nose pressed against the window

I'm so glad to know the dolphins are there.  It was so important to me last year!  And I was really happy to hear you had the connected, close sisterly times.  I have to admit I was a little afraid...

The first night there were a lot of jokes about the wine, followed by an impromptu invitation to S-in-law to just head up and to make sure she keeps the date for next year, since this will be an annual event. It suddenly seemed like the weekend would morph into a family party rather than a reconnect.

It triggered all of my - "I'm on the outside" reactions, sort of followed by my typical, "I want to be on the outside" protection reactions.

I remember being at a New Year's Eve party one year - with S#3, S#4, B#4and all related kids and spouses and partners.  At one point B-in-law, married to S#4, asked me if I wanted another drink. At that point B#4's high school girlfriend who he was with for a few years, and I were the only sober parental types.  I said "No thanks." B-in-law went into a drunken diatribe about how this was his family and in his family we drank.

He probably has no memory whatsoever, and to him, I think it was just words - trying to get me to join in a bit more...but he hit my core issue - smack on the head.

Not my family.

I'm not one of you.

I'm different, outside.

And it is part of me.  In high school, my philosophy was - If everyone is doing it, it must be wrong.  I'm just going to do something else.

So I embrace it.

But I also hate the loneliness and isolation of feeling I don't have a tribe.

So I had a moment of that this weekend, watching you all from social media's virtual reality screen, filling in the blanks with my very vivid imagination.

So your words about the close moments of talking, sharing, feeling connected left me feeling reassured.

Travel safe, all my sisters.

I love you all...

Clare