Clare,
Back to normal today...
at least that what it feels like. I had a text from one of our nieces, I asked her how she's doing...
she went back to work today...
she works at the same school her mom, SIL, did...
she felt supported...
her student is out of school with an infection so she didn't have any direct responsibilities.
This niece is a wonderful caregiver.
I am glad that I was able to watch her care for her mom.
In the end, she was the only one awake when SIL died.
All of the others stayed up most of the night, expecting her to die. When the sun rose they all assumed she would hold on until her oldest made it home in 2 days...
so they all napped...
this niece stayed vigilant...
quietly waiting...
and watched her mom take her last, labored breath...
she said that the breaths become progressively more shallow and then they stopped.
She work her father to tell him that SIL was "gone".
This niece was peaceful and settled about the death.
She knew she had done all that she could possibly do to care for her mom...
She also knew that her mom would never be well again...
so it was time to let her go.
I like this niece.
I like her energy.
Anyway, I had to leave work for about an hour today...
I felt it was too chaotic...
the company we shared office space with moved out today.
I am not sure if it was the commotion or if life is just too stressful for me right now.
But, a drive calmed me down.
I feel anxiety well up in me...
very much like the hot flashes that are welling up in me...
more and more each day.
Perhaps that's the reason...
perhaps it is hormonal.
I still feel as if I have to give something up for Lent...
what will it be?
I have to think about this...
I could do a social media 'fast'...
or give up my favorite latte...
or perhaps offer gratitudes every morning and night.
I have a few hours to consider this...
maybe I'll give up my anxious hot flashes!
I hope you sleep well.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
way opens
Hi Maggie,
Thank you for sharing your impressions and stories from the funeral. Of course she was more than our annual glimpse, but I never had any idea what it might be. And when I look back, I remember B#1 expressing disgust at nieces for pretending to be cheerleaders, for playing. I remember having not so nice thoughts in my mind about his reaction to perceived sexuality of little girls. I worried, but never knew what to do with my worries.
What I remember about his wife was talking about kids. She was perceptive about her own. She could analyze them briefly, but get right to the point.
I will have to ask my daughters if SIL ever adjusted their clothes. My youngest said that her aunt basically ignored her, which she assumed was a judgmental reaction because my daughter lives with a man she has not married. Yet. She feels the same comes from her uncle. I am never sure if it is perception, stemming from unfamiliarity, or if she is absolutely correct.
The letter is not from the cousin you are thinking of. She is mentioned in the letter. But I will make a copy when I get out and get in the mail for you...sometime soon.
I think it would be powerful to make that study...to investigate what early violence does to our adult psyche.
After Dad died, I got the hit, the leading, once again, to go to grad school, and follow up on this. To look at the roots of violence, to define violence and violation, to trace the ways we adopt the behaviors inflicted on us. To study how to identify early violations and stop them...But, again, I am saying to the universe, I will not go into debt for this. I will not take student loans. If I am meant to do this, then way will open. And, sorry to announce, I do not/will not trust that way will open!! Once it is opened, I will move forward, though!! (Just talking to the universe here!!)
I am glad you made it to the funeral. I am glad you made ithome safely.
We had a family birthday dinner for my youngest son. When my kids are thirty, I give them their baby books. I only have one left. It is bittersweet.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thank you for sharing your impressions and stories from the funeral. Of course she was more than our annual glimpse, but I never had any idea what it might be. And when I look back, I remember B#1 expressing disgust at nieces for pretending to be cheerleaders, for playing. I remember having not so nice thoughts in my mind about his reaction to perceived sexuality of little girls. I worried, but never knew what to do with my worries.
What I remember about his wife was talking about kids. She was perceptive about her own. She could analyze them briefly, but get right to the point.
I will have to ask my daughters if SIL ever adjusted their clothes. My youngest said that her aunt basically ignored her, which she assumed was a judgmental reaction because my daughter lives with a man she has not married. Yet. She feels the same comes from her uncle. I am never sure if it is perception, stemming from unfamiliarity, or if she is absolutely correct.
The letter is not from the cousin you are thinking of. She is mentioned in the letter. But I will make a copy when I get out and get in the mail for you...sometime soon.
I think it would be powerful to make that study...to investigate what early violence does to our adult psyche.
After Dad died, I got the hit, the leading, once again, to go to grad school, and follow up on this. To look at the roots of violence, to define violence and violation, to trace the ways we adopt the behaviors inflicted on us. To study how to identify early violations and stop them...But, again, I am saying to the universe, I will not go into debt for this. I will not take student loans. If I am meant to do this, then way will open. And, sorry to announce, I do not/will not trust that way will open!! Once it is opened, I will move forward, though!! (Just talking to the universe here!!)
I am glad you made it to the funeral. I am glad you made ithome safely.
We had a family birthday dinner for my youngest son. When my kids are thirty, I give them their baby books. I only have one left. It is bittersweet.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, February 26, 2017
please share...
Clare,
Could you share that letter with me? Something in me wants to read it. I believe the cousin was one that we knew. She was very kind to us. She adopted 2 children that we also knew. I am fascinated by the violent lineage.
We should start to catalogue, or study, the face of early abuse. What it looks like. How it manifests without words...
played out through choices...
defiances...
abuses of ourselves and others.
What a study that would be.
I wonder if a survey would open that information up...
a survey with focused interviews to follow.
The suicide was a friend of mine's sister. I don't think I was clear in that post. I was dreading any texts from anyone...not specifically from S#3...I was overwhelmed by other's grief and needs on top of my own. My friend wants answers that no one can give to her...but she keeps asking me.
The memorial service was beautiful. 3 people, besides the preacher spoke. Two of our nieces spoke- one read a poem, the other brought forward family memories. They both spoke so beautifully and showed great courage. The other speaker was a young man, one of SIL's hearing impaired students. He is finished with school now and I believe at college. He was SIL's first hearing impaired student. He visited last Saturday to sit with her as she labored to breathe. He spoke of her protection from bullies and guidance with his school work. It was wonderful. I never saw that side of her. I saw her as a quiet, but judgmental woman. She made the young nieces feel badly by pointing out their clothing that she felt was too revealing. That is my daughters' memories of her...she would pull up their tops to cover any cleavage. It's an interesting memory for them to carry.
We are home now. Tired, but grateful that we had the opportunity to visit with family. I will sign off until tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Could you share that letter with me? Something in me wants to read it. I believe the cousin was one that we knew. She was very kind to us. She adopted 2 children that we also knew. I am fascinated by the violent lineage.
We should start to catalogue, or study, the face of early abuse. What it looks like. How it manifests without words...
played out through choices...
defiances...
abuses of ourselves and others.
What a study that would be.
I wonder if a survey would open that information up...
a survey with focused interviews to follow.
The suicide was a friend of mine's sister. I don't think I was clear in that post. I was dreading any texts from anyone...not specifically from S#3...I was overwhelmed by other's grief and needs on top of my own. My friend wants answers that no one can give to her...but she keeps asking me.
The memorial service was beautiful. 3 people, besides the preacher spoke. Two of our nieces spoke- one read a poem, the other brought forward family memories. They both spoke so beautifully and showed great courage. The other speaker was a young man, one of SIL's hearing impaired students. He is finished with school now and I believe at college. He was SIL's first hearing impaired student. He visited last Saturday to sit with her as she labored to breathe. He spoke of her protection from bullies and guidance with his school work. It was wonderful. I never saw that side of her. I saw her as a quiet, but judgmental woman. She made the young nieces feel badly by pointing out their clothing that she felt was too revealing. That is my daughters' memories of her...she would pull up their tops to cover any cleavage. It's an interesting memory for them to carry.
We are home now. Tired, but grateful that we had the opportunity to visit with family. I will sign off until tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, February 25, 2017
powerful
Hi Maggie,
I know you are many, many states away, gathered with family, preparing to say goodbye to SIL. I know 5 of 9 of us made it down to B#1's, so 6 of you will be together. I will be praying and crying with you at 2:00.
I took a shower this morning. There is a great pleasure in turning off thoughts and feeling warm water on my back. But that is when thoughts creep in, uninvited.
Today I was thinking about sexual abuse of infants. How do we identify it, especially when we are older? I was thinking there must be a particular series of symptoms, markers. I was thinking about the CSI type shows and looking for minute evidence, for indicative evidence.
As infants, we don't remember. We can't tell anyone. But we carry it inside of our minds and our bodies for the rest of our lives.
I wondered if it were possible to analyze the common series of markers, the typical set of symptoms for someone who has been used sexually as an infant, for someone for whom objectification began right at the very beginning of life...
So I left that train, and suddenly remembered a book we had to read in seventh grade English. It was called Mrs. Mike. If I remember a young girl, a teenager, with lung problem was sent to stay in Alaska to heal..She falls in love with a Mountie, maybe. They have two babies who die of diptheria. There was a lot of attention to the harshness of life in the north. There was the death of her babies. She went home to the east, but then she went back to Alaska. I think it was about strength of mind, about strength of character.
And I started wondering why our teacher wanted us to read this book. I wondered if he wanted us to realize our lives were pretty tame and civilized by the books standards. We had it good...
And then I remembered one day when our teacher, who was a big, athletic guy, got frustrated with one of my classmates. I remember the classmate...he was a small guy, probably one of the smallest of the boys. And the teacher told him to come to the front of the room, put his hands on the blackboard. And the teacher got a long wooden paddle, with holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance, so it would hurt the child more, and he hit the boy several times. He swung so hard his jacket swung away from his body.
It is amazing how certain images burn into our brain. I can see them both perfectly. If we went to that school, I could show you which classroom it happened in...
And my classmate remained silent while he was briefly beaten in public. He walked away there were some tears, but no uneven breathing. He already understood how to be tortured in public. He understood that not only was this adult intending to cause pain, he also meant to control our behavior by causing humiliation.
Instead of teaching us that we had pretty good, civilized lives, that teacher taught me to be silent in the face of violence. He taught me to bow down in fear to superior force. He taught me that he could not be trusted, and that power can not be trusted. He taught us that life might look good and civilized, but actually our lives were full of violence on every front.
I am so glad I homeschooled. I think paddling is now illegal, but power still finds way to control.
I love you. I wish I were with you, but since I am not, I hope I get something productive done today!!
Love and hugs from Clare
I know you are many, many states away, gathered with family, preparing to say goodbye to SIL. I know 5 of 9 of us made it down to B#1's, so 6 of you will be together. I will be praying and crying with you at 2:00.
I took a shower this morning. There is a great pleasure in turning off thoughts and feeling warm water on my back. But that is when thoughts creep in, uninvited.
Today I was thinking about sexual abuse of infants. How do we identify it, especially when we are older? I was thinking there must be a particular series of symptoms, markers. I was thinking about the CSI type shows and looking for minute evidence, for indicative evidence.
As infants, we don't remember. We can't tell anyone. But we carry it inside of our minds and our bodies for the rest of our lives.
I wondered if it were possible to analyze the common series of markers, the typical set of symptoms for someone who has been used sexually as an infant, for someone for whom objectification began right at the very beginning of life...
So I left that train, and suddenly remembered a book we had to read in seventh grade English. It was called Mrs. Mike. If I remember a young girl, a teenager, with lung problem was sent to stay in Alaska to heal..She falls in love with a Mountie, maybe. They have two babies who die of diptheria. There was a lot of attention to the harshness of life in the north. There was the death of her babies. She went home to the east, but then she went back to Alaska. I think it was about strength of mind, about strength of character.
And I started wondering why our teacher wanted us to read this book. I wondered if he wanted us to realize our lives were pretty tame and civilized by the books standards. We had it good...
And then I remembered one day when our teacher, who was a big, athletic guy, got frustrated with one of my classmates. I remember the classmate...he was a small guy, probably one of the smallest of the boys. And the teacher told him to come to the front of the room, put his hands on the blackboard. And the teacher got a long wooden paddle, with holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance, so it would hurt the child more, and he hit the boy several times. He swung so hard his jacket swung away from his body.
It is amazing how certain images burn into our brain. I can see them both perfectly. If we went to that school, I could show you which classroom it happened in...
And my classmate remained silent while he was briefly beaten in public. He walked away there were some tears, but no uneven breathing. He already understood how to be tortured in public. He understood that not only was this adult intending to cause pain, he also meant to control our behavior by causing humiliation.
Instead of teaching us that we had pretty good, civilized lives, that teacher taught me to be silent in the face of violence. He taught me to bow down in fear to superior force. He taught me that he could not be trusted, and that power can not be trusted. He taught us that life might look good and civilized, but actually our lives were full of violence on every front.
I am so glad I homeschooled. I think paddling is now illegal, but power still finds way to control.
I love you. I wish I were with you, but since I am not, I hope I get something productive done today!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, February 23, 2017
breaking the curse
Hi Maggie,
I wish I could do or say something incredibly helpful. I wish S#3 knew she could talk to me. I wish bad things didn't happen...
Even so, here we are facing pain and mortality, and the pain of mortality. We are plunged into change, and we don't like change - especially when we have no control. I no longer feel like I am next to the veil. I have moved far enough away not to fear it. But I still know it is there...
So, as I write to B#1, I am also going to write to B#2. I talked to his ex. He has alienated his daughter with his alcoholism. He was one of the most caring and attentive fathers I have ever seen. And after he left the west coast, he still talked to her every day. It seems he waited until after he talked to her to start drinking. But then he started answering the phone while drunk, and began driving her away.
So now he has proven that no one loves him. He is alone.
So we write. We send notes. Could we invite others and let everyone have a week? Is it possible to prove to him that he is lovable, even though he is sure he is not? Can we over-ride the family conditioning with nightly prayers and weekly notes?...and maybe a shower of some sort...?
If he is lovable, so are the rest of us. It could be a way to restore all of us...
And, I am confused...your friend's sister committed suicide, or B#3's friend's sister committed suicide?
Do you know, with the way I parented, I would suggest gently, but firmly pointing out to your youngest that he wasn't asked if he wanted to go. He was told that he is going. You are the parent...why stress yourself out. You know what will happen, unless he has had an eye-opening experience which matured him in the past few months.
Mom gave me a box of old letters, many from Dad. I have been reading some of those. But I found one today from Mary, who talked about Teresa and why she could not have kids. It has to be one of Mom's cousins.She was asking for the family stories.She talked about abuse and violence in her family of origin, being put in the children's home...I remember kids from the home in my class when I was young and we lived in Mom's hometown for part of a year. The letter talked about being in the home, separated from a sister who was with younger kids in the same home. When she was 13, the home contacted her mom and said she should probably come get them. They had been there long enough...9 years. So their mom, who lived nearby, took them home and remarried.
Stories about her dad - drunk, one brother shot and killed another during an argument, they both went to the west coast where her dad died of Tb.
Horrible stories permeated in alcohol and violence.
We are breaking this curse. I swear we are breaking this curse...
Love and ugs from Clare
I wish I could do or say something incredibly helpful. I wish S#3 knew she could talk to me. I wish bad things didn't happen...
Even so, here we are facing pain and mortality, and the pain of mortality. We are plunged into change, and we don't like change - especially when we have no control. I no longer feel like I am next to the veil. I have moved far enough away not to fear it. But I still know it is there...
So, as I write to B#1, I am also going to write to B#2. I talked to his ex. He has alienated his daughter with his alcoholism. He was one of the most caring and attentive fathers I have ever seen. And after he left the west coast, he still talked to her every day. It seems he waited until after he talked to her to start drinking. But then he started answering the phone while drunk, and began driving her away.
So now he has proven that no one loves him. He is alone.
So we write. We send notes. Could we invite others and let everyone have a week? Is it possible to prove to him that he is lovable, even though he is sure he is not? Can we over-ride the family conditioning with nightly prayers and weekly notes?...and maybe a shower of some sort...?
If he is lovable, so are the rest of us. It could be a way to restore all of us...
And, I am confused...your friend's sister committed suicide, or B#3's friend's sister committed suicide?
Do you know, with the way I parented, I would suggest gently, but firmly pointing out to your youngest that he wasn't asked if he wanted to go. He was told that he is going. You are the parent...why stress yourself out. You know what will happen, unless he has had an eye-opening experience which matured him in the past few months.
Mom gave me a box of old letters, many from Dad. I have been reading some of those. But I found one today from Mary, who talked about Teresa and why she could not have kids. It has to be one of Mom's cousins.She was asking for the family stories.She talked about abuse and violence in her family of origin, being put in the children's home...I remember kids from the home in my class when I was young and we lived in Mom's hometown for part of a year. The letter talked about being in the home, separated from a sister who was with younger kids in the same home. When she was 13, the home contacted her mom and said she should probably come get them. They had been there long enough...9 years. So their mom, who lived nearby, took them home and remarried.
Stories about her dad - drunk, one brother shot and killed another during an argument, they both went to the west coast where her dad died of Tb.
Horrible stories permeated in alcohol and violence.
We are breaking this curse. I swear we are breaking this curse...
Love and ugs from Clare
exhausted on all levels
Clare,
This is a time of being out of our comfort zones. We have been knocked out...
forcefully...
repeatedly.
So it is a time for finding a new balance...
new comfort spaces...
forging new relationships.
FORGING...
verb (used with object), forged, forging.
That's interesting...
we have been heated up- emotionally...
we have been beaten into new form...emotionally
Are we imitating? Are we pretending to get along? Is this authentic change?
I am having a hard time this week. I am trying to work and act normally...
but I am standing at the edge of the veil...
death takes us there.
I am ready to cry...
and curse...
and fight...
and run away.
I got a text from S#3 today...
and didn't want to read it...
not because it was from her...
but I cannot take any more news...or requests...or anything.
A friend's sister committed suicide last week. She called to talk.
I listened and explained that I sit on the suicide prevention task force in the county...
she has become demanding...
wanting details and explanations...
and reasons...
every day she wants something else from me...
she wants answers and reassurances that I don't have.
I dread the messages now.
I want to be nasty and say "leave me alone"...
but I keep asking for her patience.
And hope that she won't hurt herself from the grief.
My youngest is making me crazy...
he doesn't want to come along to SIL's funeral. He cites many reasons...
the bottom line is that he wants a weekend of no parents. Daughter #2 will be at the house...
but he wants the freedom of no parents.
Frankly- I want to leave him home...
I need a break from him...
but the stress of wondering what he's up to is going to be on my mind.
Husband reminds me that we were going to leave him home with his sister this weekend to go to Quebec for the weekend...
but life is much different now than when we scheduled Quebec...
and I am exhausted...
on all levels.
My friend's burial was beautiful. Her family and friends were gathered around her grave. Her dog's ashes were buried with her. People spoke of her gifts and talents and memories her. I found myself envious of those who had known her for a long time. I wish I had grown up with her care. But I had her love and care at the end of her life. She was a peacemaker. She was an intellect. She cared for many children, pets, and people.
It is husband's birthday. He is the same age as SIL. I am giving him many supplements and teas to improve his health.
I am going to go try to breathe.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
This is a time of being out of our comfort zones. We have been knocked out...
forcefully...
repeatedly.
So it is a time for finding a new balance...
new comfort spaces...
forging new relationships.
FORGING...
1.
to form by heating and hammering; beat into shape.
2.
to form or make, especially by concentrated effort:
to forge a friendship through mutual trust.
3.
to imitate (handwriting, a signature, etc.) fraudulently; fabricate a forgery.That's interesting...
we have been heated up- emotionally...
we have been beaten into new form...emotionally
Are we imitating? Are we pretending to get along? Is this authentic change?
I am having a hard time this week. I am trying to work and act normally...
but I am standing at the edge of the veil...
death takes us there.
I am ready to cry...
and curse...
and fight...
and run away.
I got a text from S#3 today...
and didn't want to read it...
not because it was from her...
but I cannot take any more news...or requests...or anything.
A friend's sister committed suicide last week. She called to talk.
I listened and explained that I sit on the suicide prevention task force in the county...
she has become demanding...
wanting details and explanations...
and reasons...
every day she wants something else from me...
she wants answers and reassurances that I don't have.
I dread the messages now.
I want to be nasty and say "leave me alone"...
but I keep asking for her patience.
And hope that she won't hurt herself from the grief.
My youngest is making me crazy...
he doesn't want to come along to SIL's funeral. He cites many reasons...
the bottom line is that he wants a weekend of no parents. Daughter #2 will be at the house...
but he wants the freedom of no parents.
Frankly- I want to leave him home...
I need a break from him...
but the stress of wondering what he's up to is going to be on my mind.
Husband reminds me that we were going to leave him home with his sister this weekend to go to Quebec for the weekend...
but life is much different now than when we scheduled Quebec...
and I am exhausted...
on all levels.
My friend's burial was beautiful. Her family and friends were gathered around her grave. Her dog's ashes were buried with her. People spoke of her gifts and talents and memories her. I found myself envious of those who had known her for a long time. I wish I had grown up with her care. But I had her love and care at the end of her life. She was a peacemaker. She was an intellect. She cared for many children, pets, and people.
It is husband's birthday. He is the same age as SIL. I am giving him many supplements and teas to improve his health.
I am going to go try to breathe.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
write
Hi Maggie,
I have a wise older friend who says we not only have family, we have chosen family. Sometimes the damage we manage to survive with our family of origin divides us forever. We develop these superficial relationships that look good for pictures.
I have been friends with the woman who came into my birthday party last year with S#3 and me for about 13 years. About 10 years ago, we exchanged house keys. I remember laughing and joking about going steady, but actually she became a sister-friend. She is like part of the family. She joins us for holidays and no one bats an eye.
Chosen family.
She knows me better than anyone in the family, because I have had the practice of hiding from you all. I was certain I was being judged. Certain something hurtful would happen. And so I kept my head down and my mouth shut.
Good lessons from the war zone!
Until a few years ago, when I reconnected with S#3 and then you. Now it is different. Now life is fuller. And I am glad...only partly because my friend is in LOVE with a wonderful man.She is happy and in pink cloudland, and not as available as she has been in the past!
And let's be honest. Our kids complain about B#1. He was mean to them when they were young. We have kept our distance. It was also a little self-centered, but I don't know if I would or could change it. I tried to talk to him and he has no idea what I am talking about.
And so my children come first.
And so I am not surprised that B#1 has found chosen family to trust. Why in the world would he trust us? We are not part of his anything.
But...how do we change? Do we want to change? Realizing how much I did not know SIL has made me uncomfortable. Do I live with that? or do we want something else?
I have not talked to B#1 yet this week. I am going to write him a letter.When I was at school and he was in the Navy, we used to write each other letters. And if I am going to write him a letter, I think I will write one to B#2, also. Can't hang upon a letter.
I don't really have any other ideas...
Do you?
Love and hugs from Clare
I have a wise older friend who says we not only have family, we have chosen family. Sometimes the damage we manage to survive with our family of origin divides us forever. We develop these superficial relationships that look good for pictures.
I have been friends with the woman who came into my birthday party last year with S#3 and me for about 13 years. About 10 years ago, we exchanged house keys. I remember laughing and joking about going steady, but actually she became a sister-friend. She is like part of the family. She joins us for holidays and no one bats an eye.
Chosen family.
She knows me better than anyone in the family, because I have had the practice of hiding from you all. I was certain I was being judged. Certain something hurtful would happen. And so I kept my head down and my mouth shut.
Good lessons from the war zone!
Until a few years ago, when I reconnected with S#3 and then you. Now it is different. Now life is fuller. And I am glad...only partly because my friend is in LOVE with a wonderful man.She is happy and in pink cloudland, and not as available as she has been in the past!
And let's be honest. Our kids complain about B#1. He was mean to them when they were young. We have kept our distance. It was also a little self-centered, but I don't know if I would or could change it. I tried to talk to him and he has no idea what I am talking about.
And so my children come first.
And so I am not surprised that B#1 has found chosen family to trust. Why in the world would he trust us? We are not part of his anything.
But...how do we change? Do we want to change? Realizing how much I did not know SIL has made me uncomfortable. Do I live with that? or do we want something else?
I have not talked to B#1 yet this week. I am going to write him a letter.When I was at school and he was in the Navy, we used to write each other letters. And if I am going to write him a letter, I think I will write one to B#2, also. Can't hang upon a letter.
I don't really have any other ideas...
Do you?
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Missing her
Clare,
We do need to find each other...
accept each other for the way that we are.
How do we reconnect with B#2...
so much hurt there...
seething quietly underneath...
occasionally bubbling and exploding through the surface.
Tomorrow is my elderly Friend's burial...
at the ancient meeting house...
where we gather during the summer months.
I am so nervous to go...
but I do know there will be Friends around me.
I miss her...
I don't miss wondering of she is safe.
I know she is at home and comfortable again.
One observation I've had through this process...
B#1 allows non-family to comfort him...
much more easily than family.
He appreciated our help.
But he seems to allow others to really hold him emotionally.
Probably something we all do in one way or an other.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We do need to find each other...
accept each other for the way that we are.
How do we reconnect with B#2...
so much hurt there...
seething quietly underneath...
occasionally bubbling and exploding through the surface.
Tomorrow is my elderly Friend's burial...
at the ancient meeting house...
where we gather during the summer months.
I am so nervous to go...
but I do know there will be Friends around me.
I miss her...
I don't miss wondering of she is safe.
I know she is at home and comfortable again.
One observation I've had through this process...
B#1 allows non-family to comfort him...
much more easily than family.
He appreciated our help.
But he seems to allow others to really hold him emotionally.
Probably something we all do in one way or an other.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, February 20, 2017
broken
Hi Maggie,
I am so happy you and Mom and the sisters were able to be there. Maybe we should play "Sisters of Mercy" for you all. I talked to S#3 today. There were tears and laughter and too many grandchildren making too much noise...Life!!
We agreed, we are angry. SIL was too young. My heart melted as I heard stories of grace...especially the way B#1 cared for his dying wife.
I got the message this morning during my breakfast break. I didn't want to open it. I didn't want to read it. It was the first time I have been afraid of a message from a sib. And I shocked myself. It was like the old Irish ancestors poured through me, and I started keening. I was rocking and making a sound I didn't know I could make. Someone was ripped away from us, and it hurt.
I am lost again in not knowing her well despite knowing her for 35 years.
We need to be a different family. We need to be connected. And my heart goes to B#2. An old favorite poem comes to mind:
“He drew a circle that shut me out -
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In !
-Edwin Markham
We need him back. He is part of us. How do we woo him? How do we love him? This letting him live across the street from B#4 and them not speaking to each other is not who we are.
I need a plan.
Maybe we need to do showers for everyone.
So now it is time to take stock. How are the rest of us? Well? Whole? Relatively together? Is anyone hanging on loosely?
So, sink into the emotional lake, my love. It is not the swamp. It is clear and healing waters. You will be okay. I am so sorry for the loss of your elderly Friend. All of this, it is the gifts of love. The gift of the broken heart...that is how the Light gets in.
I envy you the freedom to be able to go to minister to family, to celebrate with family. I need to change my life.Still not sure how. I hope, when way opens, my heart and eyes are open.
Sending love and Light and many hugs,
Clare
overwhelmed
Clare,
I feel overwhelmed.
I am sinking into an emotional lake.
I heard the call to action on Friday...
we need you...
we make it happen.
In my mind B#3 was exaggerating...
"What does he know about terminal?" I kept asking myself. But I knew we needed to get Mama there to allow her to be present. So I made arrangements.
S#3 and I talked a lot along the drive...
it is good to spend time with her.
We picked up Mama and S#5 Saturday morning and hit the road. It was a pleasant trip, touched by expectations and fear of what we would find once we got to the house...
but I kept telling myself that B#3 doesn't know about death and the stages people go through...
he's over reacting.
Unfortunately, he was right on the mark with his call to action.
SIL was lethargic, barely conscious, recognized us, but faded out more than in...
the most prominent thing was her labored breathing...
her whole body was working to breathe...
her color was poor, especially in her extremities...
but she was surrounded by her husband and children, and a good friend...
and then us.
B#1 said she was looking forward to hearing us talk and play scrabble. When we first got there she was on the couch, but by evening they had delivered a hospital bed, she was more comfortable in there. Safer in there too...she was so floppy I was afraid she was going to slide onto the floor from the couch. She did not seem to be in much pain...and denied pain almost every time she was asked. When she expressed pain she got a minimal amount of morphine and it helped within a minute...
besides the labored breathing she was not uncomfortable.
I flowed reiki over her on Sunday...
she relaxed with the reiki to the point that her breathing was almost normal...
I was so afraid that she was dying...
can you imagine if I was doing reiki when she died...
I'd never escape that one.
Anyway, as she relaxed I began to softly sing amazing grace to her...
she smiled...
it was a beautiful sight.
As the others heard me softly singing they came into the room and we sang old fashioned hymns...
SIL woke up, looked me in the eyes and said, "What is going on?"...
I told her we were pouring love all over her...
she went back to her semi-coma.
I'm not sure if our singing was so good she thought it was angels...
or so bad she wanted it to stop!
That gave us all a laugh...
We cooked and helped as we could and then left about 15 minutes before her brother was scheduled to arrive.
The girls were so strong and loving. B#1 was amazing...admitting he had to control everything to remain in control of himself...but he was patient and gentle and kind and expressing his love for SIL whenever she woke. We helped him clean her up before we left...he was right there helping us.
What an amazing weekend.
On a side note...
I called my elderly friend, the one I take to meeting each week, on my way to B#1's home. Her daughter in law answered and told me she died that morning...peacefully in her home. Just the way she wanted to die. It was her late husband's birthday. I loved and admired her so much. Poor Mama and S#3 an 5...they had to sit with my sobbing and phone calls trying to help the family contact the appropriate people. I will miss her so very much. I looked forward to hearing her stories and asking her advice. Her burial is Wednesday. I hope to be able to attend that and then drive south for SIL's services.
One of my Quaker friends moved to Durham in December...luckily she was able to meet with me while I was there and we plan on seeing each other again when I return. She dearly loved the elderly friend as well. it was good to comfort each other.
What a time... my youngest says that with all of this negativity there has to be good stuff coming. I love him...in spite of him!
Love and Light beautiful sister. I hope to see you later this week.
It will be good to hug you.
Maggie
I feel overwhelmed.
I am sinking into an emotional lake.
I heard the call to action on Friday...
we need you...
we make it happen.
In my mind B#3 was exaggerating...
"What does he know about terminal?" I kept asking myself. But I knew we needed to get Mama there to allow her to be present. So I made arrangements.
S#3 and I talked a lot along the drive...
it is good to spend time with her.
We picked up Mama and S#5 Saturday morning and hit the road. It was a pleasant trip, touched by expectations and fear of what we would find once we got to the house...
but I kept telling myself that B#3 doesn't know about death and the stages people go through...
he's over reacting.
Unfortunately, he was right on the mark with his call to action.
SIL was lethargic, barely conscious, recognized us, but faded out more than in...
the most prominent thing was her labored breathing...
her whole body was working to breathe...
her color was poor, especially in her extremities...
but she was surrounded by her husband and children, and a good friend...
and then us.
B#1 said she was looking forward to hearing us talk and play scrabble. When we first got there she was on the couch, but by evening they had delivered a hospital bed, she was more comfortable in there. Safer in there too...she was so floppy I was afraid she was going to slide onto the floor from the couch. She did not seem to be in much pain...and denied pain almost every time she was asked. When she expressed pain she got a minimal amount of morphine and it helped within a minute...
besides the labored breathing she was not uncomfortable.
I flowed reiki over her on Sunday...
she relaxed with the reiki to the point that her breathing was almost normal...
I was so afraid that she was dying...
can you imagine if I was doing reiki when she died...
I'd never escape that one.
Anyway, as she relaxed I began to softly sing amazing grace to her...
she smiled...
it was a beautiful sight.
As the others heard me softly singing they came into the room and we sang old fashioned hymns...
SIL woke up, looked me in the eyes and said, "What is going on?"...
I told her we were pouring love all over her...
she went back to her semi-coma.
I'm not sure if our singing was so good she thought it was angels...
or so bad she wanted it to stop!
That gave us all a laugh...
We cooked and helped as we could and then left about 15 minutes before her brother was scheduled to arrive.
The girls were so strong and loving. B#1 was amazing...admitting he had to control everything to remain in control of himself...but he was patient and gentle and kind and expressing his love for SIL whenever she woke. We helped him clean her up before we left...he was right there helping us.
What an amazing weekend.
On a side note...
I called my elderly friend, the one I take to meeting each week, on my way to B#1's home. Her daughter in law answered and told me she died that morning...peacefully in her home. Just the way she wanted to die. It was her late husband's birthday. I loved and admired her so much. Poor Mama and S#3 an 5...they had to sit with my sobbing and phone calls trying to help the family contact the appropriate people. I will miss her so very much. I looked forward to hearing her stories and asking her advice. Her burial is Wednesday. I hope to be able to attend that and then drive south for SIL's services.
One of my Quaker friends moved to Durham in December...luckily she was able to meet with me while I was there and we plan on seeing each other again when I return. She dearly loved the elderly friend as well. it was good to comfort each other.
What a time... my youngest says that with all of this negativity there has to be good stuff coming. I love him...in spite of him!
Love and Light beautiful sister. I hope to see you later this week.
It will be good to hug you.
Maggie
Saturday, February 18, 2017
dreams
Hi Maggie,
It is early, but I wanted to share this before I lost it...
Not last night,but the night before I dreamed I was sitting with SIL. We were in cushy upholstered chairs, not facing each other, but angled toward each other. We were just talking. It was really relaxed. I have no memory of what we discussed.
But there was something in the dream about cutting something into cubes. It was something like fudge, but not edible. It was smooth and firm. We were concerned about the depth, because that determines the length and width of a cube.
So last night, in dreams, I was working with B#1. Whatever it is, the fudge, it is thicker now. And so we had to readjust the size if the cubes. It is really important to maintain awareness of the thickness, because it changes the size of the cube.
I woke up and was thinking about it. And in that place between dream and wake, as I was in that state, I was standing in my kitchen, cutting cubes, and some of my lines were not perfect...but they were close, and it was okay...
I have absolutely no idea what this means.
Then as I was waking up, I drew a pentagram on my forehead. I have never done that before. I have never heard of doing that. I did not do it consciously. And I freaked out in my mind.
And I was told that we are now opening our third eye. It is time. That is part of the chaos we are seeing and living all around us. I commented back that five, the pentagram, vibrates with the yellow chakra. There was an acknowledgement, but we have been trapped in the yellow chakra for so long, we know how to use that vibration. Go there, it is going to transform. As five become six, we will even out (pun not intended, but instantly recognized!). Then as we are moving through seven, we will be in chaos again. At eight, we will be balanced, we will know.
So work on opening your third eye. Make it shine through - flashlight shinning to the front and the back!!
Dream on!
Love and hugs from Clare
It is early, but I wanted to share this before I lost it...
Not last night,but the night before I dreamed I was sitting with SIL. We were in cushy upholstered chairs, not facing each other, but angled toward each other. We were just talking. It was really relaxed. I have no memory of what we discussed.
But there was something in the dream about cutting something into cubes. It was something like fudge, but not edible. It was smooth and firm. We were concerned about the depth, because that determines the length and width of a cube.
So last night, in dreams, I was working with B#1. Whatever it is, the fudge, it is thicker now. And so we had to readjust the size if the cubes. It is really important to maintain awareness of the thickness, because it changes the size of the cube.
I woke up and was thinking about it. And in that place between dream and wake, as I was in that state, I was standing in my kitchen, cutting cubes, and some of my lines were not perfect...but they were close, and it was okay...
I have absolutely no idea what this means.
Then as I was waking up, I drew a pentagram on my forehead. I have never done that before. I have never heard of doing that. I did not do it consciously. And I freaked out in my mind.
And I was told that we are now opening our third eye. It is time. That is part of the chaos we are seeing and living all around us. I commented back that five, the pentagram, vibrates with the yellow chakra. There was an acknowledgement, but we have been trapped in the yellow chakra for so long, we know how to use that vibration. Go there, it is going to transform. As five become six, we will even out (pun not intended, but instantly recognized!). Then as we are moving through seven, we will be in chaos again. At eight, we will be balanced, we will know.
So work on opening your third eye. Make it shine through - flashlight shinning to the front and the back!!
Dream on!
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, February 17, 2017
Drive safely
Hi Maggie,
I know you are driving. I wish you safe travels.
I talked to S#3 just before she left for your house... and she told me that B#3 stopped by Mom's and let everyone know, if we want a chance to see SIL, we have to go soon. And so you are on your way...I love you.
This is going too fast. It is too much and it is not supposed to be now. We are supposed to have time. We need time to adjust, time to get used to the last big change in the family. As S#3 said, she is our age...too young to die.
But B#3 said she seems to have given up. I talked to my older neighbor and she gently said, "Maybe she just knows it is time to go."
Is it ever time to go?
Why is does it seem like it is so easy for some, when others need to be dragged kicking and screaming to the other side?
You wondered what SIL was numbing with her two pack a day habit. Military family. Only daughter...with four brothers. I have read that military families have higher than average episodes of domestic violence.
I don't know.
What I do know is she married into our family. We recognize dysfunction and we bond to those who either continue the familiar, or with whom we can break free of the patterns.
Still playing Tim McGraw in my brain..."Thinking 'bout sweet time..."
I love you. Travel safely. Give my love to B#1 and SIL.
Love and hugs from Clare
I know you are driving. I wish you safe travels.
I talked to S#3 just before she left for your house... and she told me that B#3 stopped by Mom's and let everyone know, if we want a chance to see SIL, we have to go soon. And so you are on your way...I love you.
This is going too fast. It is too much and it is not supposed to be now. We are supposed to have time. We need time to adjust, time to get used to the last big change in the family. As S#3 said, she is our age...too young to die.
But B#3 said she seems to have given up. I talked to my older neighbor and she gently said, "Maybe she just knows it is time to go."
Is it ever time to go?
Why is does it seem like it is so easy for some, when others need to be dragged kicking and screaming to the other side?
You wondered what SIL was numbing with her two pack a day habit. Military family. Only daughter...with four brothers. I have read that military families have higher than average episodes of domestic violence.
I don't know.
What I do know is she married into our family. We recognize dysfunction and we bond to those who either continue the familiar, or with whom we can break free of the patterns.
Still playing Tim McGraw in my brain..."Thinking 'bout sweet time..."
I love you. Travel safely. Give my love to B#1 and SIL.
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
weepy too
Clare,
I am weepy too.
I am surprised by this reaction to the news...
terminal sounds so...
terminal.
I read the text as I was driving to work...at a red light. By the time I'd gotten to work I was crying and angry. I texted "Fuck Cancer...it's taken too much from this family."
Breasts, uteruses, skin, bladders, kidneys, colons, now lungs...
I couldn't decide if I should hit send or not...
I was afraid of offending someone...
but I hit send anyway...
and others responded in agreement.
We shouldn't take this silently.
we need to roar ...
loud, angry roars...
and gentle purring to comfort the dying.
I don't know SIL well, but I still feel for her, B#1, and especially for their children.
I have to find a way to reach out to their children and let them know it is OK.
We should find things to make her comfortable...
I sent a card yesterday...
to the hospital...
hopefully it will be forwarded to their home.
I am overwhelmed with anxiety...
or anger.
I tried to drink some wine to calm myself and it left me with heartburn...
maybe that's what I need...
heart burn.
I believe I need a good night's sleep. I will try to find some rest very soon.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am weepy too.
I am surprised by this reaction to the news...
terminal sounds so...
terminal.
I read the text as I was driving to work...at a red light. By the time I'd gotten to work I was crying and angry. I texted "Fuck Cancer...it's taken too much from this family."
Breasts, uteruses, skin, bladders, kidneys, colons, now lungs...
I couldn't decide if I should hit send or not...
I was afraid of offending someone...
but I hit send anyway...
and others responded in agreement.
We shouldn't take this silently.
we need to roar ...
loud, angry roars...
and gentle purring to comfort the dying.
I don't know SIL well, but I still feel for her, B#1, and especially for their children.
I have to find a way to reach out to their children and let them know it is OK.
We should find things to make her comfortable...
I sent a card yesterday...
to the hospital...
hopefully it will be forwarded to their home.
I am overwhelmed with anxiety...
or anger.
I tried to drink some wine to calm myself and it left me with heartburn...
maybe that's what I need...
heart burn.
I believe I need a good night's sleep. I will try to find some rest very soon.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
weepy
Hi Sister!
I have been warring with my computer all week. It is finally working, but I still think it needs to visit the shop and have a thorough going-over.
But I am back...
So we got the word on S-I-L today. It has spread. It is terminal. They are making the decision - radiation and chemo or pain management.
That is a lot to face.
And just as a coincidence, today, while I was working on the course you suggested, we were asked to watch a video...I happened to be listening to Tug McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying.
"...And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
(-Craig Michael Wiseman, James Timothy Nichols, Tim Nichols)
I have been warring with my computer all week. It is finally working, but I still think it needs to visit the shop and have a thorough going-over.
But I am back...
So we got the word on S-I-L today. It has spread. It is terminal. They are making the decision - radiation and chemo or pain management.
That is a lot to face.
And just as a coincidence, today, while I was working on the course you suggested, we were asked to watch a video...I happened to be listening to Tug McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying.
"...And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."
(-Craig Michael Wiseman, James Timothy Nichols, Tim Nichols)
Sunday, February 12, 2017
connections
Clare,
I am worried about many of us...
still hiding from each other for so many years.
I see it mostly in the LONG silences from siblings...
only hearing when things are better than 'crappy'.
I worry most when I haven't heard things from siblings in a while.
Yesterday, I helped at the memorial service of a 99 year old Quaker Friend who died last month. I spoke with her family members who seem equally estranged...
they did not seem close to each other...
but put on a 'face for company'.
I took a minute to speak with one of her grandsons, he is a friend of my daughter#2, he found her protest signs...
he didn't know that side of his grandmother...
suddenly she was much cooler than before...
much like my sense of pride when the veterans saluted Papa's remains.
A person in attendance said,"O was always a lady, and she was a hell of a woman".
I didn't realize her full, peace filled life...
she was someone who was brought to Meeting with her eldest daughter for holidays.
There is a depth to many that we cannot understand.
I think the more we read out to our family, the better.
It's sometimes messy, but will be worth it in the long run.
I sat with my elderly Friend today. She was too tired to go to Meeting this morning, after having gone out for the Memorial Service yesterday. I took soup and a sandwich by her house and we sat and talked as we shared the sandwich. She spoke extensively about her parents...
so many stories...
a few tears...
she laughed several times...
it was beautiful.
But, in my heart of hearts I know that she is gathering herself for her passing.
She seems to be a shell of her full, former self.
I cried silently as she recollected stories, because I know she is disconnecting with this world...
anticipating her reunion with her beloved parents.
I will treasure her remaining time...
and miss her deeply after she has died.
All good things must pass.
I had opening exercises today and spoke of the patience and passion of Quakers...
how oddly juxtaposed those two qualities are in Quakers.
The Ladies of the Seneca Falls Convention, working passionately for women's right to vote...
putting it on the 'back burner' to advocate for black men's vote and native American's rights...
only one of those women ever voted legally in the US.
So many died before they saw their goal achieved...
but it was right and just work.
I spoke about Bayard Rustin- a gay, black man who allowed others to lead the Civil Rights movement so his homosexuality wouldn't complicate matters...
he worked with MLK on nonviolent protests for blacks' rights...
but he never saw the marriage equality act or gay rights legislation.
Passion and patience...an amazing mixture.
I also share two songs' lyrics...
Leonard Cohen's Anthem...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wRYjtvIYK0
and James Taylor's Shed a Little Light...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsKTzFwv16w
It was great...
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am worried about many of us...
still hiding from each other for so many years.
I see it mostly in the LONG silences from siblings...
only hearing when things are better than 'crappy'.
I worry most when I haven't heard things from siblings in a while.
Yesterday, I helped at the memorial service of a 99 year old Quaker Friend who died last month. I spoke with her family members who seem equally estranged...
they did not seem close to each other...
but put on a 'face for company'.
I took a minute to speak with one of her grandsons, he is a friend of my daughter#2, he found her protest signs...
he didn't know that side of his grandmother...
suddenly she was much cooler than before...
much like my sense of pride when the veterans saluted Papa's remains.
A person in attendance said,"O was always a lady, and she was a hell of a woman".
I didn't realize her full, peace filled life...
she was someone who was brought to Meeting with her eldest daughter for holidays.
There is a depth to many that we cannot understand.
I think the more we read out to our family, the better.
It's sometimes messy, but will be worth it in the long run.
I sat with my elderly Friend today. She was too tired to go to Meeting this morning, after having gone out for the Memorial Service yesterday. I took soup and a sandwich by her house and we sat and talked as we shared the sandwich. She spoke extensively about her parents...
so many stories...
a few tears...
she laughed several times...
it was beautiful.
But, in my heart of hearts I know that she is gathering herself for her passing.
She seems to be a shell of her full, former self.
I cried silently as she recollected stories, because I know she is disconnecting with this world...
anticipating her reunion with her beloved parents.
I will treasure her remaining time...
and miss her deeply after she has died.
All good things must pass.
I had opening exercises today and spoke of the patience and passion of Quakers...
how oddly juxtaposed those two qualities are in Quakers.
The Ladies of the Seneca Falls Convention, working passionately for women's right to vote...
putting it on the 'back burner' to advocate for black men's vote and native American's rights...
only one of those women ever voted legally in the US.
So many died before they saw their goal achieved...
but it was right and just work.
I spoke about Bayard Rustin- a gay, black man who allowed others to lead the Civil Rights movement so his homosexuality wouldn't complicate matters...
he worked with MLK on nonviolent protests for blacks' rights...
but he never saw the marriage equality act or gay rights legislation.
Passion and patience...an amazing mixture.
I also share two songs' lyrics...
Leonard Cohen's Anthem...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wRYjtvIYK0
and James Taylor's Shed a Little Light...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsKTzFwv16w
It was great...
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, February 11, 2017
extend...
Hi Maggie,
The latest news is bad. Possible spread to brain. S#3's daughter predicted that our sister-in-law would never leave the hospital. She may be right.
I asked S#5, and she has never had more than a superficial conversation with S-I-L either. She suggested S#4 might know her best because she lived with B#1 and his family while she was in school.
I have not seen much more of that family than at family gatherings where we are all rushed and crazy and a little over the top, and wearing our company manners. I have talked to her over the years. She is always interested in what the kids are doing. She laughs easily. But I don't know her.
We should probably reach out to our other sister-in-law, learn from the mistake of this realization that we are losing a family member we don't even know.
I am connected to B#2's ex-wife. There was a natural affinity there from the first time we met. But everyone else - we live so far apart, we don't function like family. I don't know spouses. I don't know nieces and nephews. You, S#3, and B#4 seem to be the ones who show up at most family functions and have the strongest ties with everyone in general.
That is why is has been so cool to have this connection to you. To have the regular visits with S#3. I message regularly with S#5 now. I feel like I have family.
We need to extend somehow!
I just found out yesterday that someone I was very close to in high school has just been diagnosed with cancer. There was a lump in her abdomen. They checked...it has spread. She doesn't want phone calls yet. She wants time until the next results are in.
I saw something this week that projected our species would b extinct by 2026. The way cancer is spreading, along with bombing, death by pollution...more cancers as well as pulmonary deaths...it might be true. I can't quite wrap my brain around that though.
Monday will be one month since Dad died. S#5 says Mom has settled in, begun sewing. The dog has become her companion. Life goes on, despite upsets and grief...
I look forward to seeing the family history. There is a possibility I may have it. I got a copy of a handwritten document from Mom's Aunt Mil. No matter, I will be grateful to get it!
Not much going on here. I have been sleeping better. Dreaming like crazy, but not quite remembering. Starting a little side business to see if I can help generate a little more cash flow...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
The latest news is bad. Possible spread to brain. S#3's daughter predicted that our sister-in-law would never leave the hospital. She may be right.
I asked S#5, and she has never had more than a superficial conversation with S-I-L either. She suggested S#4 might know her best because she lived with B#1 and his family while she was in school.
I have not seen much more of that family than at family gatherings where we are all rushed and crazy and a little over the top, and wearing our company manners. I have talked to her over the years. She is always interested in what the kids are doing. She laughs easily. But I don't know her.
We should probably reach out to our other sister-in-law, learn from the mistake of this realization that we are losing a family member we don't even know.
I am connected to B#2's ex-wife. There was a natural affinity there from the first time we met. But everyone else - we live so far apart, we don't function like family. I don't know spouses. I don't know nieces and nephews. You, S#3, and B#4 seem to be the ones who show up at most family functions and have the strongest ties with everyone in general.
That is why is has been so cool to have this connection to you. To have the regular visits with S#3. I message regularly with S#5 now. I feel like I have family.
We need to extend somehow!
I just found out yesterday that someone I was very close to in high school has just been diagnosed with cancer. There was a lump in her abdomen. They checked...it has spread. She doesn't want phone calls yet. She wants time until the next results are in.
I saw something this week that projected our species would b extinct by 2026. The way cancer is spreading, along with bombing, death by pollution...more cancers as well as pulmonary deaths...it might be true. I can't quite wrap my brain around that though.
Monday will be one month since Dad died. S#5 says Mom has settled in, begun sewing. The dog has become her companion. Life goes on, despite upsets and grief...
I look forward to seeing the family history. There is a possibility I may have it. I got a copy of a handwritten document from Mom's Aunt Mil. No matter, I will be grateful to get it!
Not much going on here. I have been sleeping better. Dreaming like crazy, but not quite remembering. Starting a little side business to see if I can help generate a little more cash flow...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
waiting...breathing
Clare,
So many questions...
the first thing on my mind is your question about B#1's wife. Since I first heard of her extensive pneumonia and copious drainage I have felt there is an underlying carcinoma.
It has made me wonder about her...
and her smoking habit.
B#1 told me smoking is the first thing she does in the morning and the last thing before she sleeps.
I wonder what she is numbing to that extent?
I think the PET scan has indicated cancer...
with spread to the lymph nodes.
I think she is gravely ill.
I feel that she is dying...
but I hate saying that about someone my age.
I think she will undergo radiation and chemo and have a bit of reprieve but in the end she will succumb.
I asked my reiki healer about brother's wife...
she said,"she is a keeper of many secrets."
I've never really had a conversation with her...
in 30 years I have not known much about her.
She hates it when the girls show any cleavage...
that's the running joke when we know she will be present- cover up the chest!
Do you know her?
I worry very much about the financial implications...
but human life is precious...
so cost concerns come later.
It took us almost 2 years of monthly payments to pay our 20% co-pay for daughter#2's NICU week after birth. B#4 spent quite a while paying installments towards his ex-wife's hospitalization (while they were still married).
So, for B#1, I want to explain how the fear involved in hearing the words, "you have cancer" has to slowly transmute into thoughtful choices. I've been remembering how horrible it was for me to wait a week for the MRI after my mammogram showed abnormalities. And even worse was the wait for the biopsy after the MRI. And then having to wait for biopsy results. And then having to wait a month for surgery...
I wanted it all done in a day or two.
I wanted the cancer out of my body.
But, though the delays were challenging, they gave me the opportunity to think and choose.
And breathe...most importantly breathe...and share with family.
I cannot remember what the response was to my cancer news...
I seem to remember a number of pledges to be there for me...
it all has melted into one foggy space. But when I hear the sentence "You have cancer" I still have a wave of emotions flood over me and I tear up.
I cannot remember much of my hospitalization or early recovery. I've had friends tell me about visiting with food and I cannot recall their time with me. But, in my heart of hearts, I know they cared for, and about, me.
We can hold B#1 and his family, and his wife in the Light...
we can expect good and rough times.
we can learn to care for, and about, each other to a greater extent.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday with the wife of our second cousin. Her husband is the son of Mama's cousin. Mama did not know it, but her cousin died just before Thanksgiving. That is sad but was not the interesting part. This woman told me that her husband's cousin was given a handwritten book that belonged to his grandmother with the family history back to the 1700s. I've asked her to share that cousin's contact information- so that I can share it with you. She said that she had scanned it previously, so may have an electronic copy of the whole document. That would be amazing.
This woman, that I met with, is collaborating on the inclusive classroom, for teen moms and their babies, that we are developing. I really like her and she is very generously guiding and supporting the effort.
I hope that all is well at your home.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
So many questions...
the first thing on my mind is your question about B#1's wife. Since I first heard of her extensive pneumonia and copious drainage I have felt there is an underlying carcinoma.
It has made me wonder about her...
and her smoking habit.
B#1 told me smoking is the first thing she does in the morning and the last thing before she sleeps.
I wonder what she is numbing to that extent?
I think the PET scan has indicated cancer...
with spread to the lymph nodes.
I think she is gravely ill.
I feel that she is dying...
but I hate saying that about someone my age.
I think she will undergo radiation and chemo and have a bit of reprieve but in the end she will succumb.
I asked my reiki healer about brother's wife...
she said,"she is a keeper of many secrets."
I've never really had a conversation with her...
in 30 years I have not known much about her.
She hates it when the girls show any cleavage...
that's the running joke when we know she will be present- cover up the chest!
Do you know her?
I worry very much about the financial implications...
but human life is precious...
so cost concerns come later.
It took us almost 2 years of monthly payments to pay our 20% co-pay for daughter#2's NICU week after birth. B#4 spent quite a while paying installments towards his ex-wife's hospitalization (while they were still married).
So, for B#1, I want to explain how the fear involved in hearing the words, "you have cancer" has to slowly transmute into thoughtful choices. I've been remembering how horrible it was for me to wait a week for the MRI after my mammogram showed abnormalities. And even worse was the wait for the biopsy after the MRI. And then having to wait for biopsy results. And then having to wait a month for surgery...
I wanted it all done in a day or two.
I wanted the cancer out of my body.
But, though the delays were challenging, they gave me the opportunity to think and choose.
And breathe...most importantly breathe...and share with family.
I cannot remember what the response was to my cancer news...
I seem to remember a number of pledges to be there for me...
it all has melted into one foggy space. But when I hear the sentence "You have cancer" I still have a wave of emotions flood over me and I tear up.
I cannot remember much of my hospitalization or early recovery. I've had friends tell me about visiting with food and I cannot recall their time with me. But, in my heart of hearts, I know they cared for, and about, me.
We can hold B#1 and his family, and his wife in the Light...
we can expect good and rough times.
we can learn to care for, and about, each other to a greater extent.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday with the wife of our second cousin. Her husband is the son of Mama's cousin. Mama did not know it, but her cousin died just before Thanksgiving. That is sad but was not the interesting part. This woman told me that her husband's cousin was given a handwritten book that belonged to his grandmother with the family history back to the 1700s. I've asked her to share that cousin's contact information- so that I can share it with you. She said that she had scanned it previously, so may have an electronic copy of the whole document. That would be amazing.
This woman, that I met with, is collaborating on the inclusive classroom, for teen moms and their babies, that we are developing. I really like her and she is very generously guiding and supporting the effort.
I hope that all is well at your home.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, February 4, 2017
and...
Hi Mags...
Your opening inspired my leading to create friendship circles.
I wrote an email about the leading to my monthly meeting co-clerks, the clerks of my monthly meeting's Peace and Social Action committee, and our Ministry and Counsel committee, as well as my regional M&C comembers. Only one Friend responded, saying he would hold this leading in the Light.
Being Quaker, I assume the others will respond after taking the idea before their committees. Or, being Quaker, it will fall to the wayside as we deal with other business of the monthly meeting.
Being me, I regretted sending the email, and felt a little foolish, a little embarrassed. I always seem to feel naive around other Friends. It holds me back...
But...today...I was shopping in the local, little grocery store when I ran into a close friend. She retired as a music teacher, and started going to Divinity School. She is still in school, but she has a small congregation in a small town near here.
She mentioned AVP and mentioned some local Friends by name. They were talking about doing some basic workshops, but my friend was worried about the 23 hour time commitment in one weekend. So I told her my idea.
Synchronocity maybe. Spirit led - usually.
She was talking about someone else wanting to create a circle of women, and asked how I felt about beginning this program for women only...just to begin.
I said, "If there is interest, I'm in!"
And so maybe the leading is being well tended and held.
Love and Light and even hugs from Clare
Your opening inspired my leading to create friendship circles.
I wrote an email about the leading to my monthly meeting co-clerks, the clerks of my monthly meeting's Peace and Social Action committee, and our Ministry and Counsel committee, as well as my regional M&C comembers. Only one Friend responded, saying he would hold this leading in the Light.
Being Quaker, I assume the others will respond after taking the idea before their committees. Or, being Quaker, it will fall to the wayside as we deal with other business of the monthly meeting.
Being me, I regretted sending the email, and felt a little foolish, a little embarrassed. I always seem to feel naive around other Friends. It holds me back...
But...today...I was shopping in the local, little grocery store when I ran into a close friend. She retired as a music teacher, and started going to Divinity School. She is still in school, but she has a small congregation in a small town near here.
She mentioned AVP and mentioned some local Friends by name. They were talking about doing some basic workshops, but my friend was worried about the 23 hour time commitment in one weekend. So I told her my idea.
Synchronocity maybe. Spirit led - usually.
She was talking about someone else wanting to create a circle of women, and asked how I felt about beginning this program for women only...just to begin.
I said, "If there is interest, I'm in!"
And so maybe the leading is being well tended and held.
Love and Light and even hugs from Clare
waiting
Hi Maggie,
You found time to read Daniel Quinn. The first I read was Ishmael, and it was so thought provoking, I looked for more...
So, let's be blasphemers!
I was sleeping last night, and I started hearing Skype phone call rings and text message alerts. I sort of grogged awake, and the cat was making small sounds. I called her to me, and that was what she wanted. I am wondering if my brain translated, or if the cat decided to send electronic sounds to get my attention!!
For me, it has been love songs. I have been listening repeatedly to Arlo Guthrie's I Can't Help Falling in Love With You. Of course, it comes with a story. But I have been singing the song just for me.
I have had the sense of Dad being around lately. Coming to terms with that, but not quite sure how I am doing or doing it. But, because I am crazy about family history, Mom sent me all of their letters. It is letters we sent home before the advent of email. The first letter was from Grammy. I knew her handwriting instantly. I felt her.
But what I have are all of the letters Dad sent Mom while he was in Viet Nam. I was almost afraid to start reading them. Reading Grammy's letter was easier, because she used to write to me. It was like stepping into something familiar and comfortable, something warm and mine. But Dad never wrote. Mom did all of the writing, so although I recognize his handwriting, it is not familiar and comfortable.
So reading is not always smooth. But I have started reading them. He always addresses her as his dearest darling. He always talks about missing her.
The first letter I opened said, "I am so proud of Clare...." then something about a newspaper clipping. I am guessing it had to do with Girl Scouts. But I was kind of shocked to see my name.
I will keep reading. If I am blown apart or blown awake, I will report here.
At first I was not getting the updates about B#1's wife. I don't have a cell phone. So, S#3 has been posting the updates to messenger for me every day. She is so amazing!
What I think is that if they can't get the infection drained, then something, somewhere, is still infected, something is producing it all. Of course necrotic lung tissue is another challenge. I am nervous, but because her spirits are improving, I feel more relaxed.
I never thought about the effects of this on their budget. That's when I remembered B#1 just started this job...
What do you think is happening? Medically, you can probably guess better than I can!
Waiting to hear...
Love and hugs from Clare
You found time to read Daniel Quinn. The first I read was Ishmael, and it was so thought provoking, I looked for more...
So, let's be blasphemers!
I was sleeping last night, and I started hearing Skype phone call rings and text message alerts. I sort of grogged awake, and the cat was making small sounds. I called her to me, and that was what she wanted. I am wondering if my brain translated, or if the cat decided to send electronic sounds to get my attention!!
For me, it has been love songs. I have been listening repeatedly to Arlo Guthrie's I Can't Help Falling in Love With You. Of course, it comes with a story. But I have been singing the song just for me.
I have had the sense of Dad being around lately. Coming to terms with that, but not quite sure how I am doing or doing it. But, because I am crazy about family history, Mom sent me all of their letters. It is letters we sent home before the advent of email. The first letter was from Grammy. I knew her handwriting instantly. I felt her.
But what I have are all of the letters Dad sent Mom while he was in Viet Nam. I was almost afraid to start reading them. Reading Grammy's letter was easier, because she used to write to me. It was like stepping into something familiar and comfortable, something warm and mine. But Dad never wrote. Mom did all of the writing, so although I recognize his handwriting, it is not familiar and comfortable.
So reading is not always smooth. But I have started reading them. He always addresses her as his dearest darling. He always talks about missing her.
The first letter I opened said, "I am so proud of Clare...." then something about a newspaper clipping. I am guessing it had to do with Girl Scouts. But I was kind of shocked to see my name.
I will keep reading. If I am blown apart or blown awake, I will report here.
At first I was not getting the updates about B#1's wife. I don't have a cell phone. So, S#3 has been posting the updates to messenger for me every day. She is so amazing!
What I think is that if they can't get the infection drained, then something, somewhere, is still infected, something is producing it all. Of course necrotic lung tissue is another challenge. I am nervous, but because her spirits are improving, I feel more relaxed.
I never thought about the effects of this on their budget. That's when I remembered B#1 just started this job...
What do you think is happening? Medically, you can probably guess better than I can!
Waiting to hear...
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, February 3, 2017
cannot complain...
Clare,
I personally am sold on the 'B' stories...
let's go to a society that hunts and gathers...
not trying to tame and dominate.
That should include babies, food, animals...
Anyway...
My youngest has had a stomach virus all week...
today I have a milder version of it...
not hungry, slightly nauseated, headache...
it could be worse.
Have you been following the saga of B#1's wife? I think S#3 is keeping you up to date. She is really sick...I think she's got something brewing underneath all of that fluid and pus. I am also worried about the bills that this extensive, intensive hospitalization is going to amount to. This kind of hospitalization could wipe the average person out financially.
I have been hearing songs about Light today...
I heard James Taylor's Shed a little Light and Leonard Cohen's Anthem...
I think there's a message there.
I sat with my reiki healer last night for a psychic development course. She read two types of Tarot cards for each of us. It was amazing how similar the readings were for each of us from the 2 decks. My readings had to do with working through a difficult situation with another woman who does not want me to move forward. The message was that work and perseverance will end up with 'riches'...not necessarily money, but I will achieve my goal(s).
I am moving forward on many fronts. I love what I am doing right now. I feel good about all of my projects. I cannot complain.
Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie
I personally am sold on the 'B' stories...
let's go to a society that hunts and gathers...
not trying to tame and dominate.
That should include babies, food, animals...
Anyway...
My youngest has had a stomach virus all week...
today I have a milder version of it...
not hungry, slightly nauseated, headache...
it could be worse.
Have you been following the saga of B#1's wife? I think S#3 is keeping you up to date. She is really sick...I think she's got something brewing underneath all of that fluid and pus. I am also worried about the bills that this extensive, intensive hospitalization is going to amount to. This kind of hospitalization could wipe the average person out financially.
I have been hearing songs about Light today...
I heard James Taylor's Shed a little Light and Leonard Cohen's Anthem...
I think there's a message there.
I sat with my reiki healer last night for a psychic development course. She read two types of Tarot cards for each of us. It was amazing how similar the readings were for each of us from the 2 decks. My readings had to do with working through a difficult situation with another woman who does not want me to move forward. The message was that work and perseverance will end up with 'riches'...not necessarily money, but I will achieve my goal(s).
I am moving forward on many fronts. I love what I am doing right now. I feel good about all of my projects. I cannot complain.
Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie
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