on hold

Claire,
I am so tired...
I love the dreams.
I love the insights.
I am so crazy busy with work, class, and the trauma program for victims...
I read an email today that we are going to get the pregnant and parenting classroom with babies and a doula is being funded...
I am so excited,
but it means a lot of time and energy...
and a serious opportunity to succeed and fail.
Nothing ventured...nothing gained.

I took Mamma D back to her home yesterday. We had a great visit...
none of my flooring was laid down...
very frustrating and unsettling.
My house is ripped apart to make room for the installation...
which is on hold until further notice.

Keep sharing the heart energy...
the more you use it the stronger it grows.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

and another

I had another dream, little sister...

I dreamed I was with a small group of people...it seemed like family. We were on the upper floor of a barn.  There was tape on the floor, marking squares...I think there were two of them, with people in each.

The squares were safe.  It couldn't get you there.

Outside the square things were flying.  It wasn't safe. So I walked to the very edge of the line, maybe on the line or a little over the line.  Cups were flying off of a shelf. I stayed quiet, and watched, and I could see the shadow of a woman with dark hair, pulled back, wearing a long, old fashioned dress.  She was furious and grabbing things and flinging them.

As I watched, I could see her, she was densening.  I told her I could see her.  She was not happy.

I thought, I can play this game, and I opened my heart and showered her with love, and told her, out loud, that I loved her.

She quieted, but remained angry.

I woke up amazed that I wasn't afraid.

Today, I thought, maybe that was a part of myself...an estranged part that haunts me.

Thoughts?

Love and hugs from Clare

reveling in chaos

Hi Sister,

You honed right in on that dream.  Funny, for me, the strongest image was of the braids.  I looked them up - an orderly way of thinking.

As always,I have to let it settle.

So about a week ago a friend posted on our favorite social media that a little local off-grid music fest needed cooks.  My friend and I volunteered and did all the cooking for the whole weekend.  I like volunteering because I get to meet everyone.  It pulls me out of my comfort zone of sitting back and watching...

But last night at about 9:30, we started running out of everything.  This year's weather has been so magnificent that more people showed up compared to other years.  So we started bunting and improvising and inventing.

I was having so much fun. I realized I enjoy those moments when everything goes off track, when plans are not exactly as hoped, when chaos enters the game.

Two extra people started cooking, two  ran to the store, someone helped serve...and then amidst all that energy, Gable, a young, male rough coated collie came in the kitchen. Two or three people started chasing him around yelling, "Go.  Get out of the kitchen..."

And I reveled in the absurd.  I was so happy. I was so in my element.

I really wonder who I am!!!

The weekend was so much fun.  I am so totally exhausted.

I will check back when less exhausted and more coherent!

Love and hugs from Clare

challenges

Claire,
Baby/ies usually mean a new idea you are gestating/birthing...
what are you protecting from the violence around you?

Holding a baby, "Dreaming of holding a baby is analogous to holding onto an earlier part of your life where you felt more depended on and more needed."

Hostage means, "To dream that you are a hostage indicates that you are feeling victimized or powerless. You feel limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, to dream that you are a hostage suggests that a part of yourself is not fully expressed.
I am being tormented by "two steps forward, one step back" mentality at work. I get things rolling and then theres something that halts forward progress- usually a funding issue. Sometimes I feel like writing a check and just keep the forward momentum going. But, then I am not trusting the universe and its timing."

Challenges...
sometimes they really suck.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

hostage?

Hi Maggie,

I wrote last night.  I wrote for about 2 hours.  I didn't judge, I just let it flow.  I will judge later.

And I had a weird dream last night.  I went to the local university to listen to a few of the students who were campaigning for student office.  I was sitting toward the back of a small auditorium. It was not very full.

I had a baby with me.  I think it was my youngest grandson.  He was wrapped in a blue blanket, and he slept through the whole dream.  My job seemed to be aware and to protect him.

Because a young woman, with clear features and longish reddish braids took us all hostage.  She got on stage with a gun and fired two shots and told us all to get down.  I sat down on the floor, between the two seats, and kept my hand on the baby sleeping on the seat.  The whole dream was hiding, waiting for something to happen. Int he end, someone disarmed her and not much else happened. We were told we could leave. I remember standing there, holding the baby, thinking it was too late for the buses to run now...I wondered where I could go. I thought of walking to my oldest's apt., but thought - she would be asleep.

It was weird...

I am exhausted. I spent four hours helping move sheep fence. It was a good workout for me.  I think I will sleep well tonight.

I am not familiar with the hymn you shared at all...But I think I kind of like Divine tests. It keeps us on our toes.

Love and hugs from Clare

servants...

Claire,
I am avoiding a gala tonight- sitting quietly in my room. I prefer this type of evening.
When I worked for this association the galas were mandatory...
now I can say, "no thank you".
That is freedom.

I saw a few friends...
shared a few minutes with each...
mostly about work...
this is a professional gathering...
one, dear friend/mentor shared that her husband is in renal failure and starting dialysis...
neither has ever really been sick before...
she is having difficulty navigating the need for help.
She has helped others for her entire, professional career...
and doesn't know how to allow help.

This morning, at Meeting, I was compelled to share a song I used to sing at my Catholic Church...
The Servant Song by Richard Gillard

Will you let me be your servant,
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I may have the grace 
to let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
we are brothers  on a road.
We are here to help each other
walk the miles and share the load.

I will hold the Christ-Light for you 
in the night-time of your fears.
I will hold me hand out for you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joys and sorrows
'Til we've seen this journey through

When we sing to God in heaven,
we shall find such harmony
born of all we've known together
of Christ's love and agony.

Will you let me be your servant,
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I may have the grace 
to let you be my servant, too.


I can't believe I remembered this...
I actually had to pull up the lyrics on my phone because I felt compelled to remember them.
I cannot believe I sang...
but it felt so good!
Sometimes I think the Divine tests- just to see if I am paying attention.

Just my observations-
You are procrastinating.
Be clear with yourself.
You have been called to write...
and you are finding other things to fill your time.
That is OK ...IF you acknowledge what you are doing.
This is an important task...
don't stay away, or busy, for too long. If we ignore our callings them just keep getting louder until we cannot ignore them because of a crisis.
Crisis means to sift- keep what serves...discard what does not.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

dream stuff...

Hi Maggie,

Feels like we are getting back into the swing...

I went to our Fall Gathering yesterday.  I have been a Friend for 30 years now, and I am amazed by knowing these people.  Two Friends were laughing with me yesterday --- "Do you remember the time...?"

I do. I do remember.  I do have shared history with these people.

I had dreams last night - an active night.  But I can't remember much.

One though...I stepped out of my back door, it was dusky...or maybe dawny...and the chicken house door was partially open. My chickens were gone.  I started to listen for them, but didn't hear anything.

Later last night I was at a long table, with family, I believe.  Mom was at the head of the table serving cake.  She served the left side.  I was at her right.  She handed me a piece and I tasted it, so she sat down to have hers. My youngest son, a few seats up from me, quietly leaned back, caught my eye, and made an expression that clearly said, "Really?" And I realized that my side was waiting, and now quietly watching the others eat cake.

I wondered why Mom forgot them, and then had the thought - it was my fault.  I stopped passing.

I woke up just after my son caught me eye.  I tried to get back into the dream and get cake to everyone. I think I ended up cutting my piece into smaller pieces and sharing with that side of the table.

I think there is a message her, about sharing, about being aware of who I am connected to.

There was a third dream, but it is not moving into my awareness.  I will have to wait and see if there is a trigger today.

I reread all of my notes from this summer, at the spiritualist camp.  There are two things I promised to do in September....resume writing and working on a legal issue I have been avoiding.

But, my friend and I have volunteered to cook for a small folk festival next weekend...So, sorry Commitments, I have to honor this first. It is partly social life expansion, partly a good excuse to procrastinate!!

Anyway...

Love and hugs from Clare

So, if I get into a receiving position, I will remain aware of my line...of passing it down the line.

making space

Clare,

I am drowning in busy-ness also. I am trying to keep up with the commitments I've made professionally and realize that, as usual, I am over-delivering on my promised outcomes. That's great for the sponsor, but hard to maintain from my perspective.

I am glad that you will have an adult friend living with you for the winter. It can be a time to talk, laugh, and connect. The critters will add to your world. Just don't let all of that get into the way of your writing. You have to choose the writing as a priority. That is hard to do, but make space for it and let the habit develop.

I am presenting my workshop on childhood adversity on Monday at a state-wide conference for social workers. It is an important message that I feel very passionate about. I am procrastinating my preparation for it. I've given this workshop 4 - 5 times over the past few years, but this time I am somewhat intimidated- not sure why...
Oh well- what will be will be.

I will be tied up until Tuesday, so I probably won't be checking in here. Carry on without me- or collect your thoughts and save them.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

normal?

Hi Love,

Just checking in, trying to get back into the swing of things.  My youngest will not work much in the winter this year, so she won't ask me to take care of my granddaughter as often, and so I will have more free time.

At the same time, someone who lived with us 20 years ago, after a divorce, has moved in again - for the same reason.  And with her, we have lots of critters...So life is full again.

And she is a Friend, and so I will be able to be more involved with my meeting.

I had a committee meeting last night. I used to feel empowered after these meetings. Now I just feel like I am a pain in the ass.  I wonder if I am burning out...

My work schedule is especially full, too. That usually doesn't happen until late October. It makes me wonder how crammed we will be in a month...I don't know...the leaves are turning early...everything seems off...there doesn't seem to be a normal anymore.

I have to remind myself that change means everything is different, that eventually there will be a new normal...

And so that is life today.

Sending love and hugs from Care

So much, so much

Hi Maggie,

Apologies...sort of.  Mama has been here for two weeks. When I have company, I tend to put my regular activities on the back burner and focus on the person I am with.  Also, writing here seems so private, seems like a sanctuary, and I wait until I feel safe and alone to come here.

I have been thinking about this focus on rejoicing in selfishness. It troubles me. Now I know being a martyr is bad. It is a form of  deifying your personal victimhood.

But we need a balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our world and the people and the issues in it.

So, yeah, childhood was less than idyllic, and I have learned to hide. Now I am searching for my authentic self.

Not easy, but not a bad choice.

Being vulnerable...just like your son is exploring, I hope.  I have a feeling we let romance movies determine our relationship status...meet...interest...miscommunication...drama...sex...now we are going to live happily ever after.  There is no message about the day-to-day development of life forever. There is no time to look at how we slowly let a relationship deepen and ripen and decide where we want to go...

I will admit I have been wondering how people stay together for a long time. What is there to talk about?

I think in addition to being a romance retard, I am too jaded to get it.

When I wrote for the paper, I attended a widow's grief group for one meeting to talk about the work they did there.  Someone commented that it didn't matter how much of a son-of-a-b the husband was before death, after he died he became a saint.

So Mama commented a few times on not knowing my kids, not having a relationship with them for years. We just ignored the white elephant in the room -  Papa didn't like us, we weren't welcome, he wasn't nice.

Now we are just remembering the sweet things.

Is this how we lose the memories/the awareness of sexual predation from uncles and brothers? It gets lost under the funny moments. Because it is troubling and confusing, but in a family like ours there were enough connected moments to not exactly balance the abuse, but to cover it...to make young memories unsure...

I have missed Mama, pretty much since when Papa came home from Vietnam, but definitely since I started protecting my kids from Papa.

Did she have to choose him over us? Did I truly choose my kids over their Dad? Did it protect them?  Is there ever a good choice once we are part of these dysfunctional families?

And so I am lost in the whirl of memories, of now. We had a good visit. Mama and I were always good friends. We still talk a lot. I value that. She got to spend quality time with my four local kids. They were gracious and generous.  I am so proud of how good they each are.

We talked about the past, and about feelings. She talked about going though Papa's death.

I remember when I counseled new mamas, we learned to let them tell their birth story over and over. That was how they made it theirs. I think maybe our death stories are the same. It is easier, more joyful to hear a birth story. But I think we need to find the darker joy in each death story.

My friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Again.  This time there is no cure, no way to halt the progress. The best they can do it slow it slightly. And so she is currently, consciously dying. And she knows it. She has to face it each day.

They had a party yesterday. They are creating moments for friends and loved ones to come and say goodbye, to spend time, knowing it might be the last time. It's kind of like Dad's birthday party.  There is something vibrant and terrible about knowing it is a last time...

They had a party yesterday. I planned to go. I had to wait for S#5 and her husband to come and fetch Mama. They came in Friday night and stayed in a hotel, then visited for a short while on Saturday morning after breakfast before leaving. Seemed like a strong statement for who we are as a family. I am close, but I am not gonna to come close enough to touch...When Mama left, I texted a bit with my friend. It was cold on the beach where they were partying, but they thought they might be there for a little longer...It was going to take us two and a half hours to get there.  So we decided we would go on a private weekend and spend some time then...I hope we can forge ahead instead of letting life happen around us, instead of putting things off until it is too late...

Maybe we do that because we are cowards...

And, lastly, as Hurricane Irma lands in Florida, one of my non-bio kids is hunkered down in the line of the eye of the storm...and I am aware of her every moment.

So that is life here. Lots of adventures in my near future. But no more house guests, unless S#3 comes to visit...

Hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs from Clare

trust

Clare,
9 days and no response. Are you OK?

Are you thinking?
or busy?

We are trying to help our #3 child to navigate a difficult relationship. Luckily he has asked for help and support. Our discussion last night focused on trust. His relationship moved so quickly to co-habitation that he and his love forgot to learn about the other and develop trust.
Trust is a challenging thing.
Easily conceptualized...
slowly earned...
but painstakingly given...
especially if you've been hurt before.


Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie