Breathe in Light

Exhausting weekend.  One of my daughter's friends took her son to the babysitter's home and found the place littered with beer cans, and a guy on the couch, smoking a cigarette.  She called my daughter in a panic, and so we took her almost two-year old overnight.  Then we had my grandchildren overnight.  I loved seeing them, but I am tired!!!


Oh I know exactly what you mean about singing.  I have had the exact same sense of union, perhaps that was a communion, in both Catholic and Quaker settings. But it is always a gift, a surprise.  I never see it coming. And it can happen with just two, too, when the harmony is unexpectedly perfect.  I think it has to be unexpected, though - like it's a rule.

I know the tapes, too, that inner criticism that runs non-stop. I stop some of it, or I stop very temporarily, but then it's back.  I appreciated your exploration of the tapes in reference to the upcoming party.  I went to that well-known social media and asked, and I found out our youngest sib is coming Thursday, everyone else seems to be coming in on Friday.  They are almost all staying nearby, where Dad's party was.  We have been asked to get to the park at 10 a, to help set up.  Guests will come at 1 p.  And I guess we're supposed to bring barbecue foods - meats, I think...so there's the planning for you!!!

Two of my kids have to be at a wedding that Saturday, and they didn't realize everything was the same day until the last few days.  So they will probably go up on Friday evening and visit whoever, and kiss Mom.  I, on the other hand, am working on Friday.  I made sure I blocked most of my schedule, and so I will end up spending a little time there.  I show up, but if you look at the family photos, I'm not really there.  I hide, too.  And maybe I'm a bit more dishonest than you...And we're camping...no reservations, no more trying to synchronize schedules with my kids!  We will have three small children with us, and so distance from the partying is a plus.

Now, I have every right to attend. I am expected to attend. But I do not feel welcomed to attend...

I think you summed up what most of us feel.  We are separate.  We are not really much of a family, although I feel like you and S#3 are truly my sisters now.  But we all feel like we are on the outside.  We feel like everyone else is connected and - well, family.  But none of us are in there, really.  At Dad's party, I was talking to B#2's ex.  She thought we all spent a lot of time together, and only B#2 was on the outside.  Same story, over and over...

Have you decided if you are coming?

I spent a lot of time thinking about the three states of Light, thank you very much,  I think that particle is solid, wave is liquid, so I've been trying to find an image for the gaseous, or Spiritual aspect of Light.  The closest I can come is, "Breathe in Light..."  So I'm still working on it.  

Thoughts?

Enjoy your evening, loving thoughts from -

Clare

Mindfulness

I have been working on changing my reactions and responses to different events. 

It begins and ends with mindfulness. 

I will explain.

So, I have been trying to overcome my trepidation about the upcoming family gathering...

unable to stop the negativity that starts to play over and over in my brain each time I thought of attending. 

S#3 texted and asked me if I was attending...she said that she has not heard much about the plans either...so maybe it is not just me...maybe the others have it all taken care of.

Now, I have every right to attend. I am expected to attend. But I do not feel welcomed to attend...

Does that make sense?

So, I have been trying to recognize the negativity as soon as it begins to play and replay within my psyche...you know those old tapes that automatically run through your brain...

not good enough...

not one of us...

outsider...

dumb, fat, ugly...

and on and on and on.

I have been trying to recognize and stop those as soon as I am able to, in order to replace them with more positive thoughts...to take away the uncertainty and isolation that is so prevalent within our family of origin. 

It is so sad that anyone has to play these mind games with family. The people who are intended to be closest to us...but also the people who we are most vulnerable to as well. 

I am striving for vulnerability...

I am striving to be open and wholehearted...

isn't this an opportunity to practice that?

Maybe not with this group of people...

maybe that task's too dangerous...

What a sad statement to make and yet it is truly what my heart feels.

So how strong have I become over this past year(s)?

How much progress have I/we made through this sharing?

How courageous am I capable of being?

How sad it is that I have to muster courage to visit family...how sad indeed.

Anyway I am getting better at replacing negative thoughts with positive ones...and that is a great lesson to be learned. I am reprogramming my brain to dwell on the positive and reconnect those areas of the brain rather than just moving me into stress mode or fight/flight. Last week I gave a lecture on stress and disease and I was asked by several people how to counteract the effects of abuse and stress on the brain and body, so I am experimenting with my own brain. I am going to see what works and makes sense in my life and then hopefully pass them on to others.

So it all comes back to mindfulness...awareness of the present moment...not the past or the future...

just right her and right now.

I will continue to practice...

I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend...it rained very hard here this afternoon and I napped...what a wonderful way to spend a few hours.

Love and Light,

Maggie

Dual nature? Where is the trinity?

I love that musing... We are both particle and wave, depending upon when and how we are seen.

We have a multifaceted nature, which we fail to clearly and fully comprehend.
We are simultaneously particle/separate and wave/collective consciousness...we have to be both while we are incarnated...unless we are experiencing a contemplative moment when we fully connect to the collective...as in a gathered Meeting.

I can honestly remember only being aware/conscious of that gathered-ness in the 6 years that I have been attending Quaker Meetings. I did have similar experiences during a few Masses/special prayer services when I was a practicing Catholic...particularly when I was singing...sometimes I would open to the point that the spirit sang through me...one evening a woman recognized that this happened and spoke to me about it after...it was exhilarating and frightening at the same time.

So if we are dual natured we can cultivate either, or both, condition in our life. I see an imbalance towards particle/separateness but this can be shifted consciously towards more wave-like activity. It is all a matter of awareness and mindfulness. I am reading Buddha's Brain by Hanson, PhD and Mendius, MD right now. It deals with mindfulness training and how to practically re-circuit our brains to minimize the dwelling upon the negative memories and incessant monologues that run within our brains keeping us mired in negative memories and experiences. I have been attempting to work through some of their suggestions and so far I have found it very challenging to recognize when I begin to slip into one of those "tapes" that replays how someone has hurt me in the past, which only reinforces the negativity and increases the expectation of threat from future encounters. I find myself replaying my perceived ostracizing from our family of origin, which is occurring more frequently as the birthday party approaches. I spent a lot of energy today recognizing and aborting that tape as soon as I recognized that it had begun again. I am shocked how often I reinforce that negative concept within my own head...while externally it seems that I don't care about it at all. It is amazing what the ego does...hijacking my thought processes. I am definitely a work in progress.

So today I was told that I am a 'blessing and a curse' by an old friend...and I totally agree with him. I made the comment about myself and he agreed. I can be very hard to be around because I demand a lot of the people around me but even more from myself. It is part of my dual nature.

I am left to wonder if there is another state of Light...remember the trinity?
This dual nature seems incomplete...
perhaps there is an intermediary form that would allow for the trinity...
as in physical elements there is gas, liquid, solid...
Light is particle, ????, wave.
What would be the intermediary form? A question to ponder...
I will leave you to go and wonder about this.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie

Middle-night musing

Thinking about ego versus connection, thinking about the basic tenet - we all have the Light within.  It came to me that we are Light.  We are both particle (ego) and wave (tribal member) depending on how and when we are observed.

It's physics!

joined

We don't need to believe we are on our own.  That is what is so elegant about a joined meeting.  We are not separate, but one.  It is in the power's best interest for us to believe and to act as if we are separate, set apart, unworthy of being joined.  Then we become good consumers - looking for the latest thing to make us whole.   Or at least what the neighbor has so we feel the same, like we belong.

It's the violence that teaches us we are separate, we are driven out.  It's the violence that drives this unworthiness deep into our soul.  I wonder if there's some sort of heavenly emergency room so we can be treated just after we pass.  These truths are so deep, that it must take some healing to allow us to release.

I fell that if we were healthy, we would know and glorying in both ego uniqueness and being joined, being part of the tribe.

My mind slides back to the baby.  She doesn't know she is separate.  She expects everyone to smile, to accept her, to adore her.  We were all there once.  Can we find that part?

My daughter has managed to change jobs.  She will be doing five hour shifts, rather than nine hour shifts.  I think it will be better for both her and the baby.  Nine hours for a new mom is unreasonable.  But we all know how poor labor law is in this country - for the workers.

Exhausted, again.  I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday.  I need some down time!

Sleep tight, dream sweet dreams...I will be listening to the rain as I drift off...

Love,

Clare

Role of the ego...separateness

I remember the days of sleeping upright in a chair with a baby on my chest. I was thinking of the two of them today, with your daughter's upcoming return to work...I was sending them some light and love.

I had a massage this morning...I have therapeutic massage every 2 weeks on my upper back, particularly my left shoulder. The woman who does the work is quite insightful and has a great energy. She wants to open a Wellness Center, and she commented that she would sell my CD's from the counter. Before I even thought about it I said, "Maybe I'll rent space from you and do private counseling in your center. I am beginning to think that I will have to create my own opportunity for work." This is what I've been trying NOT to do. I think I want to work on a larger scale, not the one on one scale...but several times now I've been directed towards private counseling. Only time will tell.

I do think that you are close to the truth when you talk about the disconnect from the Divine as the initial violation. But there is more to it.
The separation is illusion...
we are still connected to each other and the Divine at our deepest level...we never left.
We just need to believe that we are on our own...disconnected.
That's what the ego does...
it makes us believe that we are a separate, independent entity...
it propagates the illusion.
The reality is that we are interconnected and interdependent upon all others.
This is more than human interdependence...it is to animals, plants, ecosystems, resources, the universe. We are made of molecules from the universe and we depend upon it as much as it depends upon us. Once we accept that...
we become more humane...
more universal...
acknowledge the connection that has eternally existed.

So how does violence play into the role of the ego...it has to do with power and acquisition of stuff. Perhaps in the taking and hoarding instead of sharing and using only what we need, replenishing what we've taken, and being stewards of creation.
So the initial violation occurs when we perceive ourselves as separate and deserving of stuff...
more so than some other individual or group.
This makes sense in an evolutionary perspective...
those with the means to survive drought or famine or winter are the ones who live on to reproduce and their genetic information is passed on. So, for survival, an ego is a bonus. But, most of us now get our food from a store and aren't in life threatening situations day in and day out and yet our ego still drives us to be survivalists.
Hoarding, believing in scarcity, profiting from the pain and exploitation of others...
survival of the fittest in 2013.

One of the societal challenges has to be opening to others...
developing connections...
becoming interdependent...
becoming vulnerable.
Instead of building arsenals we need to disarm and lead by example. We need to speak to injustice as we see them, without violating others in the process.
What a difficult challenge this will be. It will take a wave of mindfulness and opening by many.

Rest sister,
Love and Light,
Maggie

Peace, Balance, Humanity

The final conquest of man, I think, will be recovery of his/her/our own humanity.  We will by-pass power and become humane.  To be humane/humane is a wonderful gift.  We simply have to identify the violations that destroy humanity, and do something different - something older, more primitive, less civilized, more basic - simply become humane.

Butterflies find peace, balance, but then humans up the violence.  The inhumane mind does this to all species that compete in any way.  Do you remember Mr. Rogers, and the character with the book...anything in the book was "All Mine!!"  He was using the character to teach kids about sharing.  Sharing is all about faith, about trusting the abundance, about knowing in your soul that there is enough for everyone.  To share is humane.  To hoard is inhumane.  It stems from fear, from that which we learned as children - there is not enough for me.

So, what breaks our connection to the Divine?  That is the initial, and perhaps ultimate violation.  When did I learn I was not worthy of love and belonging?  When did I learn I was not connected, not wanted?  I think this may be the most important question of our lives...

Our baby girl is sick for the first time.  She is congested.  Her mama took her to the doctor today.  The baby valiantly smiled at him, even though she felt bad.  We should all be so loving!  She got bad last night, and so my daughter woke me up at 3 am.  We filled the bathroom with steam, and I gave my daughter herbs, hoping to get them into the babe.  We got them set up in the big arm chair, so they could sleep with heads elevated.  I am tired, they are tired.  We just did another steamy shower, resulting in projectile vomiting - but freer breathing.  Hold us in the Light, please.  We all need sleep, and I work early tomorrow morning.

I love you, always...

Clare

The final conquest of man is of himself

This book, The Holy Earth is fascinating.

In the chapter called The Struggle for Existence: war bailey writes

The struggle for existence, as expressed in human combat, does not necessarily result in the survival of the most desirable, so far as we are able to define desirability...

We pick the physically fit and send them to the battle-line; and these fit are slain...the final test for fitness in nature is adaptation, not power...

Adaptation and adjustment mean peace, not war. Physical force has been immensely magnified in the human sphere; we even speak of great nations as "powers", a terminology that some day we shall regret...

The final conquest of man is of himself, and he shall then be greater than when he takes a city. The final conquest of a society is of itself, and it shall then be greater than when it conquers its neighboring society.                           Liberty Hyde Bailey

The butterflies are adapting and adjusting...they are at peace despite the escalation of toxins in their environment...perhaps we need to learn something from them...not sure exactly what though...I will consider this.

I think this speaks to your pondering on the frustration of men...and the escalation of violence and negativity from one generation to the next. If we, as humans, fail to self-actualize, fail to conquer our own ego, then frustration does increase and we lose the positive life energy.

So maybe the nidus of violence sits within the realm of disconnect as you stated months ago...but it is within the disconnect in ourselves.

This morning I was reading through my past 2 journals, it spans about 6 years of my life. I kept reading passages about the eternal connection between our soul and the divine and that it is our illusion or sense of separate-ness that creates the longing deep within. When we are so burdened by our own traumas or too busy making a living to pay attention to the still small voice..that's when we get frustrated, depressed, anxious, addicted, controlling, abusive.

The need to hoard and protect our goods runs deep within our society...and it is extending to other cultures as well. I like the idea that understanding where our water and food originates will create a desire to protect those resources. I am so saddened by China...adopting western ways...leaving behind their strong sense of family...trading family honor and responsibility for one child and increased wealth....along with pollution and questionable social practices. We are destroying many of the middle east cultures by our push for democratization...we need to adapt our world to include the uniqueness of those cultures, not attempt to make all act and believe the same things. It is much like the immigration into the US and we assimilated the people, making them melt into US culture, keeping small aspects of their cultural heritage...usually the food.

Anyway, I am rambling.
The final conquest of man is of himself...once we conquer our egos we can be open, loving and vulnerable...nonviolent.

Escalation

Hi, I'm back!  My youngest spent a lot of time with me yesterday.  She really needed to talk and to have some companionship.  So I never made it here...

I don't feel a need to hoard goods. I guess I feel more of a need to hoard tools and skills.  I think that as long as we know how to live where we are, and to live with those around us, we will be okay.  One of my favorite writers/activists is Derrick Jensen.  He observed that if we think our food comes from the grocery store and our water comes from the tap, we will fight to the death to protect that.  Once we understand that our food comes from the land, the gardens, and our water comes from creeks and lakes, we will fight to defend that.  I want to be in the latter group, connected to the land.

My youngest and a friend started to watch a movie called, The Way.  She was so impressed, and she wanted to see the end of it, so she invited me to watch it with her.  It is about a man who goes to retrieve his son's remains - a son who began to walk the camino - and ends up walking the whole length of the pilgrimage.  I was affected on many levels.  And then I spoke with three or four people who have been walking, mostly in stages as time permits.  And so I was inspired.  I expect to be challenged physically, emotionally, spiritually.  It has become a dream.  My youngest says she will bring the baby and join us for a few days. 

I am not familiar with Liberty Hyde Bailey.  I will keep an eye out for this writer.  I am not surprised that there were Quakers in the early days of Cornell.  If I remember correctly, Ezra Cornell was raised Quaker.        

I love Lady's Mantle.  You will get soft green leaves, sort of accordian pleated and ruffly.  And in the morning, or after a rain, you will find perfect droplets of water born on the leaves.  It's very magic.  The leaves are great for the skin of women, of a certain age!  I believe they originally came from the Scottish highlands...

I am up for a good game of match the schedules if you are!

I spent a lot of time walking last weekend.  I love to get up early and get outside.  It's the most magical time of the day.  One problem with working so early is that I miss this time, and I am never as fulfilled walking at other times of the day.  Walking early means we see a lot more wildlife.  On Sunday morning, we slowly walked toward a fawn who was standing in the middle of the road.  I had the baby in her jogging stroller, so we must not have looked human.  And we were bring very quiet.  We got really close before it decided we were not friend and bounded into the woods.

As I was walking I saw some butterflies.  I may have mentioned this before.  If I am repeating myself, I  apologize.  But I saw an article quite a few years ago.  Researchers at Cornell found that corm pollen landing on milkweed leaves was poisoning the Monarch butterflies.  The info was quickly retracted, and since then, more research has disproved the first findings.  (Did you know Monsanto funds research at Cornell?)  Last year I noticed a few more monarchs than in the previous few.  I realized that they were becoming resistant to the GMO corn containing Bt.  That probably means the corn pests are also developing resistance. And so, I sighed, knowing the poison producers would now have to produce a more potent toxin to pour on our foods.  It sort of unfolded...poison - resistance - stronger poison - resistance...the escalation is a war, and I had this explosion of escalation, all war is escalation...Then I thought about families.  That is different.  the escalation is dumped on the subsequent generation, because we rarely feel powerful enough to resist our fathers.  they get more bitter and nasty as they age, just to keep us in our place.  Not sure where I am going with this, but it was something to play with!

Beautiful day here.  I am done with work - rather early.  I'm going to find something to do.

Love you,

Clare

Simple Pleasures

So, today was a typical summer day...
I decided to put in a shade garden where some trees have become so dense that the grass no longer grows. It was actually more like extending an existing garden. I moved some rocks for the border and went to the nursery and chose some shade plants. I love looking at all of the plants, I know a lot of their names by sight...but there are still some that I have never seen before. I picked some Lady's Mantle today. I have never grown those before so I can't wait to see what they are like.

I also went to (another) baseball game, sat in the shade and just enjoyed watching it. I sat with the opposing team because our team has been increasingly frustrated as the season goes. I had a great time just hanging in the shade.

Simple Pleasures...are so good.

Daughter #2 is in a play right now...it's a little irreverent and inappropriate...but funny. They are doing Reefer Madness. I am a little nervous having son#1 see it...it may be a little too personal...or make his recent predicament seem funny or ridiculous. Anyway, it is what it is.

Have you ever read Liberty Hyde Bailey? He was an author who wrote about environmental concerns in the 20's - 50's. He was from Ithaca, taught at Cornell, and his writing is fascinating. This morning I was skimming his Holy Earth and he wrote about the violence that humans perpetrate upon the earth. I will find the passage and share it with you tomorrow...I am too tired to walk upstairs and look for it right now. Anyway, if you are familiar with him, was he a Quaker? I have only seen mention of his Puritan father, but not of his faith practice. I am just curious.

My brain is fried tonight...luckily my skin is not after today.
I will check in with you tomorrow.

Blessings,
Maggie

Understanding violence

I am torn between the need to protect our freedoms and the need to hoard our goods. To me, most conflicts are about stuff...this bullshit about establishing democracy throughout the world is just a sham to keep us engaged. It's power driven, oil driven, money driven conquests. We can sit by while thousands of people are being slaughtered in civil war and find reasons to stay on the sidelines. I keep thinking of the Buddhist principle of detachment...perhaps we can cultivate that principle to the point that if things are taken we can still live in peace. If we are not afraid of scarcity we have personal freedom.

I really need to study Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr's nonviolent methods...we will need those in the future.

The Walk of St. James...Camino Del Santiago...why there? What is the inspiration? I would love to walk with you. A true spiritual journey.

The reason that I asked about B#2's allergies is that according to the study findings it is the off spring of the abused who develop early symptoms (before 2 yrs). He may have inherited that tendency from one of our parents. The abused survivor generally develops the allergies at a later age...like S#3 and myself. I am just trying to see how relatable the results are to my world experience.

If we want to truly understand violence and violations, I think that we can inquire about the difference between survivors and survivor/perpetrators...are there any specific characteristics? I want to get as much info as possible...then we can sift through it and choose what we write about. This week I am going to sit down and develop a rough draft of a survey/interview. I have to do a similar task for the DV shelter and have been brainstorming it. Then perhaps we can sit with our first subject and work out the kinks. Maybe I could travel back up for that and we could edit the paper at the same time. I have to look at schedules, but it may be a possibility.

I have an opportunity to meet the headmaster of the Quaker school in Costa Rica this week. I believe it is the one that your daughter spoke of assisting at. I hope that I can make it to the gathering.

I hope that you are enjoying your Sunday...our baseball was cancelled so I worked in the yard for several hours and then walked. It was glorious.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Summer day

Happy Summer!  It is a beautiful day here.  I took a five mile walk this morning, and noticed the plants and the lake and I found a perfect feather.  I'm not sure if it was raven or vulture, but when I picked it up I heard the word dream.  S#3 and I have a dream...if one of us hits the lotto, we're going to walk the Camino del Santiago.  Anyone is invited to come.  Wanna walk???  So I dreamed of many things, thought of possibilities.  I need to go back out with my herb basket later tonight - when it is cooler.  And tomorrow I am going to put our baby-girl in her stroller and walk to the softball game.  Training for the camino has begun!!

I was not thinking in terms of arming myself.  I don't want to be part of that.  I was rethinking my opinion about the gun laws and gun control and the Second Amendment.  I have begun to see deeper issues, which has led to some discomfort as I consider my position.  A few years ago I thought about this, about protecting ourselves.  I could imagine a gun/ammo escalation in the neighborhood, and understanding that even if we bought every bullet, every shell we could locate, someone might have one more.  It was crazy - in my mind I could see the escalation.  I stepped back and realized the strongest defense is a strong neighborhood - not being alone, with your stuff.

We need clarity and transparency.  That is why the recent spate of whistleblowers are our heroes, leading the way to transparency.  And I completely agree that with transparency, people are intelligent - we will know what to do.  First step is identifying and listening to independent media.  Also, don't spend money that will support any corporation.  I have been boycotting Nestle since 1981.  It's now part of Monsanto, and so it was easy to expand that.  And I do not even walk into WalMart.  I watched The High Cost of Low Prices, and never went in again.  We have the power.

We went to the Amish market this week, and passed a man with a sprayer on his back, treating the soil around his mail box.  I said, out loud,  "He's poisoning the Earth."  In my mind, I labeled him as lazy.  What is so hard about pulling a few weeds?  Then I went further and thought - we need a law whereby only the applier of the poison may be affected by their choice.  If their poison gets into my water, air, food, body - they are liable.

I have often wondered about the question you raised.  Why do some people who are abused go on to abuse others, while some would never do so.  That might be another project - it's an immense question.  But I think we can get glimmers...

I don't know exactly when B#2 developed food allergies.  All of my life I remember him with eczema on the arms and legs, allergic to foods, pollen, dander.  I remember him being hospitalized with lung problems from the beginning.  I think he was sexually abused, because he was one of the prime offenders against you and S#3.  But maybe it progressed differently because of his asthma and allergies.  The pain of rape can make people gasp.  Was that the beginning of his inability to breathe?  Just speculating...not accusing.

I am sure you heard the family news - B#4 had a tumor removed this week.  Waiting for results...I feel like I am very calmly holding my breath...

Enjoy your day!!

Love from Clare



 

nonviolence to break the cycle

The cicadas are humming a beautiful sound. This species does not have the harsh buzzing of most years. It is a constant melodious humming. I have been working outside all day, mulching and mowing, and enjoying the cicadas. Two friends came by to pick up their children and both looked puzzled as they got out of their cars, "what's that sound?" they both asked. I didn't realize that they don't hear this even 3 miles away in town. What a treat for me.

I have not overlooked your ideas on arming oneself.
I have said to my sons several times that the government is no longer, "of the people, for the people, and by the people", it is being run by corporations whose motives are profit and power. Once citizens come to realize this they will see a need for change, demand change, create real change...not just offer the rhetoric to appease those already aware. I have said to them that there will inevitably be a revolution. And when I read your words I was struck. I had heard a piece on NPR about the surveillance issues and a comparison to Germany prior to WWII. We are complacent, sitting ducks. We mind our own business, as long as we have enough. When things get tight the government throws a bone to appease us...instead of real change. I still do believe in nonviolent revolution though. Having weapons simply makes the "other" get bigger and more lethal weapons...I just cannot buy into the NRA's philosophy of people needing to protect themselves from the enemy...it's a fear tactic and fear is never a good motivator.

To stop the cycle of violence we need to break the cycle...break the silence...make others aware of the issues...whatever the level of violence.

So for the interviews,
I was thinking we could try to get an idea of the difference in motivations of survivors versus survivor/perpetrators. Some people experience violence and learn to never repeat that behavior...they know it is wrong, recognize it as unhealthy. Others experience abuse and learn the patterns, later using the same tactics to deal with stressful situations in their lives. They may see it as a tool to be used when necessary. What is the difference? Where does the awareness come from? Is it a question of resilience? Is it a question of external teaching or divine intervention?

I was thinking as I worked outside today about my research findings and our family. The stats show that abused people are less likely to show signs/be diagnosed with a food allergy if they experience childhood adversity but those who do have food allergy develop it at a later age depending upon the number of different types of abuse/neglect, frequency, duration and severity of the abuse. There is also an increase in food allergy in the offspring of people who have adverse experiences. So, at what age did B#2 develop food allergy? I am curious because if it was young (less than 2) then there is a chance that he was spared abuse...I am not sure that this study has the ability to predict that type of information.

I have to run to pick up a car.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Cicadas

You have cicadas? No fair!  I was so excited when I read that this was the year they would emerge, but we are not in their range.  I would love to be listening to the cicadas!

I truly believe that abusers have always been abused.  That's the only way they could have learned to behave in such an inhumane way.  And I have learned that the biggest gift we can give to anyone is to listen.  So many of us are ignored, pushed aside, dropped through the cracks as if we are insignificant.  We begin to believe we are insignificant.  We need to let people know we see them, we hear them, they are real. 

I like your dream.  Do I get to keep all the gifts?  One thought that came to my mind is a memory of gifts offered to me, but I refused.   I thought they weren't really for me, that I was not good enough, that everyone else should get theirs first.  Maybe it's time to receive - which is easier said than done!

Gifting must have two sides.  Someone must give and someone must receive or it's not really gifting.  And receiving graciously is a gift to the giver.  I don't think I am very good at that.

Maybe you were dreaming of the gift we are about to give others...

I mowed lawn for about three hours this evening, and am exhausted.  I don't think anything profound is going to emerge here, and so I will say good-night and sweet dreams, and I'll "see"you tomorrow!  And I love you!!

Clare

addendum...

I had an interesting dream last night.

I was in NY waiting for you. I was in some sort of old dorm type of building and was worried because you were late arriving. There were others around, but I can't seem to recall any specific, significant people. I found you in a very different, open setting. It was a beautiful field and you were there, with a long line of wrapped packages...thousands of them...beautifully wrapped in all colors. You told me that there was supposed to be a gift exchange, but that people just dropped them off and didn't wait to gather and exchange the gifts. Now there was no one to receive them.

It struck me how often we give, because it is comfortable to just leave something and feel as if we are doing good but how rarely we actually receive. It is sterile and impersonal to just leave something for another, without contact or connection. We fool ourselves into believing that the recipient would be ashamed, so we will save them that experience. It is sometimes uncomfortable to be the recipient, particularly if you have nothing tangible to offer in return (I hate birthdays for this reason). But the cycle requires both donors and recipients, equally important in the process. It also impressed me how people give...they do it without personal connection to decrease their own discomfort. Dropping money off in the offertory plate, dropping clothes at Good Will, dropping food for the homeless at the pantry...

I recently stayed and ate dinner with the homeless. I had one of the most interesting conversations that I had with a young black man, there with his wife and 2 kids. He was quite intelligent and yet lacked the resources to make it. 

Many years ago we responded to a newspaper ad for a family with a need for a crib. After contacting the paper we were directed to deliver it to the family in the northern part of the county. The home was falling apart. The young mother was intellectually disabled, living in her parents home. There were several other sisters, also disabled living together with other older children. Husband went into the home and set up the crib for them. I stayed outside and talked with the rest of the family. It was eye-opening, to say the least. 

It still amazes me that there is such disparity...financially, intellectually, opportunity...in so many ways. 

Or is this diversity?

A lot to think about,

Maggie

Joy...revisited

I am glad that you "went there"...
I, too, was uncomfortable with suffering uniting...
not that I disbelieve that it does...
but why do we unite over the negative?
And yet, suffering isn't always negative...
there are silver lessons built into many types of suffering.
But I do like the image of uniting around joy.
Joy is such a positive experience and healthy emotion...
It creates health and balance.
But too many of us dwell on the painful and difficult...
not even appreciating the simple joys of everyday existence...
like the birds singing or the cicada chorus that is around me each day,
the beautiful views that I sometimes am too busy to even acknowledge,
the openings form my kids that show me just how incredible they really are,
the regular rhythm of my day,
and on and on and on.

The survey should be easy to navigate...
much like the ACE study's survey, but with an opportunity for open ended answers or reflections.
It needs to be compassionately worded so that participants will feel comfortable talking with us, sharing their story and insights more deeply...that's where the heart of this work lies.
What are the lessons and insights?
Those will be deeply held secrets...but secrets that others are willing to share if just asked in a nonjudgemental and compassionate way.
I think back to the Brene Brown video when she talks about her thousands of interviews...
we certainly don't need that many...
but enough to get a full picture.
We also need to use the same survey for victims and abusers...
because abusers are often first victimized and then re-enact the process.
By using the same, carefully crafted survey it will allow both sides of the issue to be assessed.
That is an intriguing idea and one that hasn't been investigated very well...
those that work in domestic violence don't want to humanize the abusers...
By blocking them from telling their story they are once again victimized by the label "perpetrator"...
and placed on public lists to keep them separate from any moral, law abiding citizens...
not given the appropriate intervention and support to learn new and healthier habits.

Anyway...the boys are home from baseball...
until tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

So does JOY!

We absolutely have to remember that although suffering unites, but so does joy.  Joyful experiences are as powerful, I think.  We just tend to overlook them.  I think we need a way to promote joy!  Or maybe, promote awareness of joy.  We need to celebrate life, and recognize that there are moments of great sorrow and suffering, rather than focus on the pain and see life as sorrow, with a few high points.  I guess that's where I hope I'll end up as we move through this process.

The problem, as I understand it, is that sorrow attracts more sorrow.  Being victimized sets up a mind-pattern that allows it to happen again.  We don't know how to protect ourselves, and we feel like we deserve it.

I did.

I felt like I deserved to be hurt, like I was sub-human, not worthy.

Reading  Jan de Hartog has got me thinking about violence, perhaps it's another face of violence.  I have been thinking about prison reform a lot lately.  Then today I read an article about a 14 year old boy who wore an NRA T-shirt to school.  According to the article, this is not against school policy.  But a teacher demanded he take it off.  The boy refused. He was suspended.  The day he returned to school, he wore the same T-shirt, as did many of his classmates - in a show of solidarity.  The boy was arrested and faces up to a year in prison.

The corporate prison industry has gotten out of hand.  Our authorities spend too much time feeding and enriching the corporation.  Perhaps we don't house people 100 feet below ground anymore, but we are back to imprisoning children, and destroying their lives for no reason, except to support the wealthy...

The other problem I have with this is that even though it is about the right to free speech, it reminds me that my attitude toward gun control is changing and making me very uncomfortable.

I have always been a proper liberal and supported gun control.  But a few things have made me step back, and think.  I'm sharing because I trust your opinion, and because it might help if I see this in writing...

I read something about the government disarming the Indians.  That screamed at me.  Then I saw a quote about the way the Nazis disarmed their citizens.  It bothered me and so I played with it until I came to a few conclusions.  First, I don't have any problems with a country having a defensive army.  What is morally wrong is an imperial army.  The imperial army is why all the countries need a defensive army!  The imperial army is out collecting whatever it wants, enriching itself, or its country, no - really, enriching its leaders.  On a smaller scale, we have wealthy families functioning as mini-empires.  Just as countries arm themselves against our country, we arm ourselves against each other.  So it comes back to wealth disparity, and writing laws to protect the rich, and self-defense. 

I have finally come to an opinion...the government should not ask us to do anything they will not do.  The people should disarm, but so should the government, or the authorities.  As long as the rich and powerful are armed with weapons and laws, I can understand why the people feel a need to be armed...

I'm not sure how clear I'm being, but I feel better!

Wondering about the questionnaire, and the balance of fill in the circles versus essay questions.  How do we get as much information as possible without making it too difficult to collate data?  This is your realm, Sister Scientist!

I love you,

Clare

Suffering Unites

It happened to me, too
How many millions of us can say that?
How many millions are afraid to say that?
How many live in silent shame?

Ok, so we need to compile a survey. I will search for or create something that we can edit and mold. It has to be gentle but direct enough to come across as authentic concern, not morbid curiosity.
I am working on some questions for the women's shelter...we want to do a study comparing services pre and post budget cuts and sequestration to hopefully show the need for renewed funding and return of good supportive programs.

I read something this morning that made me stop and think...

But suffering, suffering unites...
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or black or white or right or left or young or old-
If you have the same disease as someone else or if you both have a daughter with an eating disorder or have a brother in jail or had a spouse die or recently fired...
You have a bond that transcends whatever differences you have.
That's what suffering does.
This is the art of solidarity.

It is from a book called Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell.

Hopefully this book will show that it doesn't matter what the category of the violence/suffering is...
we can reach out and say, "Me Too", and then we can reconnect to each other...repair the disconnect that the original violation caused. That's the importance of this project.

I like the idea of raising angels...it's a great thought to go to sleep on.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Hush...

Thinking about altruism.  Perhaps it is learned by living with others who tend you, who see that you are warm and fed and loved and who provide stability.  We become so secure, we automatically know how to take care of others.  It's no sacrifice if you have been fed.  You have plenty to share.

I liked the story of your youngest at the baseball game.  It proves that there are heroes and kind souls everywhere.  We still have to watch, but it's so fulfilling when an angel reveals self!  Once, when mine were in Little League, the older members of a team used to berate younger ones for striking out.  They tore into a younger boy once, and I could see he was barely holding it together.  I gestured for my oldest son - he was one of the middle aged group - to come to me and I whispered in his ear, describing what happened.  I suggested he tell the young boy that they used to treat him the same way - just keep trying, the young boy was doing fine.  He did it, because later the boy's parents called me telling me how much my son had helped theirs.  I was simply creating an angel!

We are on the same track with the questionnaires.  I was thinking that it would be good to know the type of violence. the source of the violence and the age of occurrence or reoccurrence.  I was wondering how different the physiologic effects would be, based on these factors.

What remains most important to me, though, is that we teach people how to identify the violation.

I'm still reading Jan de Hartog.  Last night I read a passage from fictionalized Friend's diary that spoke for us...

But one thing is irrefutable:  the death of her children and her rape by the soldiers of the Cardinal were given some sense when I collapsed in her arms in the hold of that ship and breathed to her in horror that I had been raped.  She could say to me,  "Hush, it happened to me, too."  And those words saved my life and reason.  What resurrected me were her love and understanding, which, clearly were the fruit of her own suffering...                                                 -Jan de Hartog

Long day for me.  I'm tired...

Love you lots,

Clare

learning lessons

We spent father's day at the ball field...like usual.
My youngest's team has 2 more weeks of every day games to make up for the rain outs of the past 2 weeks. They played well today...well enough to come from behind and win.
After the game, I was sitting on a hill with the other spectators...
I saw an older gentleman talking with my youngest.
I assumed he was reprimanding him as others have done in the past...I couldn't remember any angry outbursts but was poised to move in to defend him if necessary.
I watched and they eventually shook hands...
my Mommy radar relaxed and we packed up.

When he came to the car I asked him what that was about. The man told him that he played catcher for 43 years and that he has never seen a better catcher at this level of play. He complimented his composure and his persistent attention throughout the game, also his ability to focus his team during the game.
I learned a lesson.

I was speaking of my own motivations for sacrifice when I wrote previously.
I do for others so that they value me...they see my worthiness...compliment my outcomes.
At least that has been my pattern in the past.
There is a fine line between martyrdom and altruism. I think that in altruism both parties benefit. That is what I am hoping to find in my future pursuits.

The questionnaires leading to interviews is probably a good way to go. I think that if we look at the ACE surveys that I've been working with for my current project we can get a good start on a survey. But, I think that our survey will be more inclusive of topics of violence...like assault by strangers, systematic violence and oppression or even military exposure to violence. It would be interesting to see if there are similarities or differences based upon the relationship to the perpetrator of the violence. It would also be nice to include some who have been perpetrators of violence to hear that perspective.
I will begin to work on that.

I am glad that your hand is opening and working better.
Thanks for the memory of the pancake boo-boos...it made me smile.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Altruism

What is the difference between altruism and sacrifice or martyrdom?  I stopped to look for some definitions.  Altruism is a sacrifice for a higher purpose, a sacrifice of time, energy or possessions.  Hmmmm...so they define each other, except that sacrifice was swallowed by patriarchal religion and vomited back up as blood sacrifice. One must kill something to make a holy offering to the gods. Interesting.

There is a huge difference between sacrificing oneself and being sacrificed.  This is the most basic point, and most important to remember, I think.  And do we sacrifice to placate?  I don't think I do.  I think I sacrifice to try to make life better for this generation...But I'm not trying to soothe anyone, or to answer demands.

I don't think it will be hard to find victims.  Running a list through my head, I identified a huge number of people we could talk to.  And maybe we could circulate some questionnaires via the internet.  I have some ideas of how we could construct them, but we need your expertise to identify the information we need.

I think replies to questionnaires would lead to individuals who might be willing to be interviewed in more depth.

I have been doing one page of the Course in Miracles every night.  So far, I don't quite understand, but I'm being faithful, and waiting to be surprised!

I had grandchildren here last weekend.  We made pancakes for breakfast.  Little drips of batter hit the pan, and cooked quickly as I spooned batter into the pan.  I offered them to my grandson,who was helping.  I had a flashback of Dad doing the same thing, giving us the pancake "boo-boos".  Sweet little memory.  It's Father's Day, and for some reason, my mind went to music, to Dad singing Joy to the World in the early morning quiet when we were camping.

Hope you are having a nice Fathers' Day celebration at your house. My youngest actually wished me a Happy Fathers' Day in recognition of my roles as both mommy and daddy.  Kind of nice!

Now typing with right hand and left index finger. Getting a bit stronger every day.

Love to you,

Clare

Lofty idea

That is a lot to take in.
I think that there is something to the archetype of the sacrificial lamb...
maybe not Jungian...
but still there is something to be gained by allowing oneself to be sacrificed for family or community or society's sake.
What do we gain from that sacrifice of self and our own personal needs...
back to the martyr and the benefits of martyrdom.
Praised by the "Church"...
but poorly chosen in the eye of evolution.
If we are truly animals driven by the need to reproduce and survive why is there an urge or allowance of martyrdom...why can we sacrifice our own life, or innocence, to placate family or society?
Moms do it in almost all species so there must be some evolutionary benefit to this action.

I actually would like to begin with the young women that you are speaking of...figure out what and how to ask the questions...because she is comfortable.
I would like to gather many stories though so that a more complete understanding of violence, particularly interpersonal violence, is obtained. It will lend more credence and depth to the work...and hopefully answer some of our questions....those that need to be fully understood by us...and others.

I am thinking of Brene Brown and her qualitative research on vulnerability and whole-heartedness...she came to her conclusions after many, more than a thousand interviews. I will do the "leg work"...I'll get a digital recorder and record interviews and then we can analyze and categorize the types of response...until we can wrap our heads around violence...the core motivators...and the things that propagate the cycle.

At this point we can bring a lot of personal experience to the subject...but it will be more powerful if we have others' stories to illustrate and strengthen the conclusions.

A lot of lofty ideas...
but this is how I am being guided...

Maggie

ok, Friend...

yeah, i have been troubled by the girard philosophy.  i think it's based in religious patriarchy.  I think sacrificing a scapegoat reduces that internal stress we feel before we become violent.  i think this is true on both a personal and societal level.   i was part of a grassroots environmental movement that stopped the siting of a nuclear dump in some beautiful farmland.   people were becoming so angry and stressed, and we felt so powerless, that muttered violence could be heard.  people were beginning to make threats about destroying equipment, etc.  so someone organized a bonfire night at which we burned some effigies.  that symbolic violence, and being able to sing and chant and scream about it released the inner stress, reduced violence and allowed us to continue working together with passive resistance and nonviolent civil disobedience.

in effect, the violence of scapegoating sustains the overall violence.

sort of describes the crucifixion.  i think there are may little crucifixions every day...i am reading peaceable kingdom by jan de hartog.  i just finished the section where he tells the story of margaret fell discovering the conditions in which children lived in the prison.  she moved in, and supported an 11 year old boy through his execution.  i felt like i was there, the story drew me in.  i could understand the need for a scapegoat by people living under such repressive, unjust law.  i am still emotional about this...

i think girard was skimming the surface of violence.  but his work inspires deeper work.

in writing this, i have begun thinking about the impotence of being the victim.  we never lose that feeling of helplessness.  it's that feeling that seems to erupt into violence against someone or something we perceive as weaker than we are.  i think maybe this is the essence of bullying.  we are bullied, we bully --- we are all just trying to not drown in this society.

so many images - like a boat going down and some of us are pushing others down to keep our heads above water, never knowing we can support each other and teach each other to tread water.  i do know that everyone has to get their head above water if we want to learn to swim!

one of the most important books i ever read about violence was for their own good by alice miller.  it's been about 20 years since i read it.  i think it's time to read it again.  if i remember correctly, she lays out her ideas, then does a deep analysis of two or three individuals.  we could do something like that.  take two or three people and tell their stories, and identify the moments of violation, and their psychological reaction, then their behavior changes as impacted by what happened.  the young lady i mentioned, you met her when you were here, may be an important story.  pretty girl from a middle class american family, college student - but beneath the typical american, successful facade is violence.

if we work with a few examples, and share the basic idea, analyze physiological changes, show how closely the mind and body are connected, then i think it could lead to an npo, maybe with teachings and support and another book...am i too much?  i think the basic idea will draw people.

one last thought before i decide where to start my day...housework, garden, see if i can borrow my son's lawnmower - see how much my hand can take!

i was talking to a friend about not sharing some information.  he told me that he is good at keeping secrets.  he learned to keep secrets as a child.  i said - good, but not good.  he asked why it was not good.  i responded that when children learn to keep secrets, it usually means something bad was going on at home.  he told me that i understand.....

going back to margaret fell, i think, emotionally, many of us are trapped in prisons, in our minds, that are as hopeless and dark and dank as the physical prisons of that day.  i pray we are the friends who help unlock these prisons.

i love you,

clare

how did it go with the licensing board?

motivation

The violence can be reduced by sacrificing a scapegoat...

How does sacrifice reduce violence? Isn't sacrifice the ultimate violence...taking innocence and offering it up to atone for others' wrongdoings?

The conforming issue is intriguing...I wrote the lyrics,
 "trying so hard to be the best, but conforming to be like the rest".
I thought about that long and hard...but still conform to many of society's rules.

I was meditating this morning and had a strong sense that it is time to start interviewing people for our book, gathering stories. I need to develop a series of questions to guide the interview, but still allow enough space for the stories to unfold. I am wondering what the best way to attract participants, both victims and perpetrators. I really want to wrap my head around interpersonal violence...Any ideas?

Last night I lectured about stress and disease. The class was great, asked so many questions, and made some really good insights. I think that's why I am motivated to start to work on the violence stories. I had my powerpoint but forgot my notes so I just talked from the cuff. It was freeing, I was able to speak to whatever their questions were and throw in interesting facts and stories.

Anyway, I have to go to a licensing board review tomorrow morning. I am going to bed soon. I hope the hand/arm continues to bloom and flower. 

Love and Light,
Maggie

considering violence yet again

today someone introduced me to philosopher rene girard, who wrote about the violence of the sacred.  he suggests that humans imitate, and we want what the other has.  when two individuals want the same thing, it leads to violence.  the violence can be reduced by sacrificing a scapegoat.

i wonder when we started believing in scarcity.  i wonder when we became conformists.  i remember reading erich fromm when i was a teenager.  we say that we think we are unique, one-of-a-kind nonconformists, but in reality we are most comfortable when we are like our peers, obviously one of them, obviously accepted.  fromm says we believe it is simple coincidence that we are all dressed the same, or watching the same show.

i'm not sure where i am going with this.  i know it has something to do with us.  i immediately thought of b#3 as family scapegoat.  dad targeted him with his violence.  why?

we were raised in scarcity.  i still believe in it.  so how do we pass this cultural conditioning?

thoughtfully, and with love...

clare

grow up!

i check ads, every day.  and a friend has been encouraging me to move more toward herbalism, selling potted starts, perhaps.  that has set my mind in motion.

it's the expense of grad school that stops me.  assuming student loans for the rest of my life is so daunting.  i will think about it, though, and see if way opens.  in my life, i have noticed that when i am ready for something, someone says the right words and -- there it is.

one of my all-time favorite movies is shirley valentine.  there is a point where she wonders why we dream such big dreams and live such little lives.  the first time i heard it, i started sobbing.  even now, the query leaves me unsettled and emotional.

maybe this is a time for me to decide what i want to be when i grow up...

don't assume a guard mentality.  assume the mama mentality - mother tiger fighting for, defending, her son.  being on guard or the guard makes you the antagonist.  your actions come from the heart, you love that boy, passionately and fiercely.  you will stand up to anyone to protect him, even if it's him.  i talked to my kids, ad nauseum.  we talked about what they did and why it was a mistake.  some of my children refer to this as mom's guilt trip.  but i was not making them feel guilty, i made them accept responsibility for what they did. 

i did it to non-bio kids, also.  once a son and his friend asked me to just hit them.  but i made them talk to me about the meanness of their behavior to a younger sibling. 

charming is a gift.  remind him of that, but he has to be able to use it appropriately or it will bite him!

my little one is back to sleeping by my feet. 

i love you little sister!!

clare

possibilities

I was in transition for over an hour and it sucked...
Daughter #2's delivery... it was not the course that I anticipated...but I survived it and in retrospect it was not so bad.
So life is transitioning...but, just like the midwife, there are people to help you...to get in your face...to guide you to the next step...but you have to push through all of the obstacles.
What about grad school?
You talked about applying last year, it would open new doors for you and spark your imagination...
look for possibilities, not excuses why it won't work.
Can you take on some other type of writing assignments?
Can you take on some other type of work temporarily?
What are the possibilities?

I wonder if your little dog is having that burst of energy that many terminal people have prior to the end...they have a type of hiatus from the pain and find some relief. It doesn't prolong the end...it just gives them a sense of who they are.

I am worried about son #1...he is using his charm to manipulate again.
He is a PIA when he doesn't get his way and then incredibly charming when he has the freedoms that he seeks. I hate being "played" and yet sometimes I don't see it until after-the-fact. He needs boundaries at this point, not someone who is fooled by his charming ways. I have to step back and evaluate circumstances before assenting to anything for the time being...I am not looking forward to having a "guard" mentality...but if I don't do it he will slip back into poor habits and choices.
Any advice?

All for now,
I have a chapter to read about teaching...
Love and Light,
Maggie

whining

we all know frustration.  it may simply be part of the human experience!

i keep applying for additional jobs as i find ads.

i think this is still part of me being a good girl and waiting for it to be my turn.  i don't think i know how to stand up for myself.  i do know how to say, f*** it, and walk away.  that seems to be my method of setting boundaries.

i really don't know what to do with myself. i had a flash of birthing my oldest.  i had a very long labor, hours of transition, and when it was time to push i was exhausted.  my midwife got in my face and told me i had to push.  i had to push mean...i feel like i need to push, but i have no idea where i am or what i'm birthing!  i have the feeling i need to trust the process, and endure...sort of like being in transition for a few hours when it should be ten or twenty minutes.

sometimes i have the feeling that i'm not real...i'm not really here, like i'm invisible and totally inconsequential.

i'm so tired.  i feel like i'm tired of life.  whining again.  i apologize.

i can do more with my hand, but the more i can do, the more i discover i can't do.  so, i'll keep pretending it's normal and noting the limitations i have to work through.  this weekend - the garden.  i still have time to plant beans, and if i get starts, there will be squash and melons.

i love the magic of gardening.  i miss it.

my little dog has been up walking around a lot today.  she hasn't been this active for weeks.  i wonder what's up with her.

on to the kitchen where a soapy tub of dirty plates awaits me.  hope your life is exciting, too!

love from clare

impatience

I understand frustration...maybe not to the same extent that you do, but it is a universal experience.
I guess my point was to look at options or solutions to end the frustration...not just passively accept it as fate.
I am so impatient with frustration that I rarely sit with it...
I find some action to move forward...
that definitely gets me into some precarious positions at times, but always moves me ahead one way or another.
I am sure that you will find the correct solution to your challenges.
You have strong family support from your kids...and from me.

I started sewing today.
I haven't sewn in 3 years because of school.
I love to see the progress...it is creative in a certain way.
I am helping daughter #2 costume her current play. She has given me several assignments and I am enjoying the easy distraction that sewing is for me.

It's dinner and they are hungry...more tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

just a tad frustrated

i missed you.  actually, i was a little nervous that something happened - i definitely inherited the family worry gene.  i'm glad everyone is okay. 

my hand is still swollen, but i'm doing more with it.  i have been thinking about parts of myself that have been frozen, that i keep immobilized out of fear.  i wonder how flowers feel when they stretch and blossom.  i wonder if it's pain mixed with the joy of expansion.  i wonder if, by paying close attention to my healing process, i can transfer the experience and become more.

it also reminds me of the delight i felt when i realized that flower is flow - er.  we learn to flow, to trust the flow.  then we blossom!

i wasn't asking for help, and i wasn't trying to complain.  i was just trying to express the understanding of the violence of our government.  i was twisting it, in the middle of the night.  i know people who have used government assistance to get on their feet, and it can be a blessing, but for the first time i saw the violence of forcing people to accept, then branding them as being bad, being moochers.  it is so violent.

i definitely supplement my budget with my garden.  i grow a lot, can and dry a lot.   being out of commission has been - almost depressing.  my middle son and his life partner planted a lot of extras, for me.  that is their way of helping.  i truly appreciate them.

when i get full use of my hand back, my mood will improve.  i'm going to go think about herbs to aid the healing.

i love you,

clare

tough dilemma

Hi Claire,

I have been running for the past two days...sorry for neglecting our space here.

Friday was busy with errands that materialized as the day went on...
what looked like a quiet day was jammed pack with running around, complicated by a traffic accident that made me detour twice, taking even more time away.

Yesterday husband, daughter #1 and I went to a concert in Phila. This was a Christmas present and included a bus trip, tailgate and the concert. It was great. I sipped sangria through the afternoon and then heard 4 bands play. We saw Kacy Musgrave, Eli Young Band, Eric Church and Kenny Chesney. They were all good. They repeated a common theme throughout the concert...
follow your dreams and have a heart filled with gratitude.
Each expressed those ideas differently, but it was the message that I heard.

Yours is a tough dilemma...
do you accept assistance from an institution that you don't trust?
We all pay taxes to help people through tight spots...but it is true that each person should be paid a decent wage to allow them to live independently.
What are your other options?
a second job...
asking for rent from your daughter...
taking in a boarder...
requesting more clients from your present job...
writing and selling the work...
raising animals, like chicken to sell/eat the eggs or alpaca for their wool...
what sparks you???
Government assistance is a form of oppression and control. A friend of mine worked for the welfare office for years...she was one of a kind though...she did everything she could to maximize the benefits and worked hard to allow the clients to retain their dignity and self-worth.
With that being said...you need to move out of the violence frame of mind and see options so that you can proactively create the solutions.
Let me know if I can help you in any way...

I love the blossoming hand imagery... it describes the process well. My kids regained their strength and dexterity fairly quickly just by using it as best they could.

I will meet you here in cyber-space tomorrow. Hang in there...
Love and Light,
Maggie

bit-o-violence

today is our double birthday day...my daughter's share a birthday.  we've been celebrating a little.  it never seems like i do enough, though.  i never seem to have extra money for fun things. 

i was awake in the middle of the night, running numbers, balancing and rebalancing my budget.  i began to wonder if i should get food stamps...i would probably qualify.  but i have never taken anything from the government, and i really don't want to start now.  having to turn in all of our private financial and personal information in exchange for food is not fair.  it makes me angry.  there are certain basic necessities which are human rights.  being denied is another form of violence. 

i started wondering how we are supposed to be making it and getting angry when i realized something.  we have the right to work, and equally importantly, we have the right to earn a living wage.  if our public representatives remembered that they are truly public servants, that they are serving the people, we would earn enough money to live comfortably.  no one who works would need food stamps.

we each have the right to clean water, food, clothes, shelter - simply because we are here.

i have often thought that we live in the most violent society imaginable here.  it always astounds me when i uncover another layer of violence.

hope all is well with you and yours,

clare

blossoming

i love it!  i love finding ways through the denseness of words, through the deeper meanings.  discover is really just part of listen.  i really think listening is the way to connection.  it's the best way we have  of being present for each other.  i know i'll be thinking of dis words all night long.

i am exhausted, so i'll only be here for a moment.  i announced that it was friday today, and was immediately corrected.  my first thought was that tomorrow morning will be a shock for my body who expects to sleep.

i got the cast off today.  have you ever seen the photographs of chinese women's feet in the time when their feet were bound?  that's what my hand looked like as the cast was removed.  it has been unfolding slowly...sort of like a flower blossoming.  the wrist joint doesn't hurt, but my fingers and hand do.

and i am truly exhausted.

i love you

i honor your work

clare

Insights...fighting for scraps of scarcity.

Hello Claire,

I have been thinking about last evening's activities today. I spent my evening at a church who hosts homeless families for a program named "Family Promise" and helps them get back on stable ground. I mat a man about my age, with a 15 year old son who were well spoken, and optimistic. I met a young family, with 2 young kids (2 & 1 year old), while neither the father or mother seemed to have a great deal of formal education, the man talked for 2 and a half hours about history and faiths practices and psychology, and many other topics. We explored so many topics it is hard to remember them all. This man was in his early 20's, and is trying to go to school for IT/soft wear development. He will have difficulty getting into a school because he is homeless, but I believe that the family promise program will help him.

We talked about the underlying distrust between races, ethnicities, religions, countries, etc. He was quite insightful...talking about the role that education plays in establishing those prejudices and false beliefs. He proud spoke of influential historical African people throughout history and the world...claiming them as his own. We talked a long time about the importance of connection and opening to each other...vulnerability.

This morning I was musing on the word connection...
and then my mind moved to disconnect, distrust, disintegrate, disenfranchise, disguise, disrespect, dissociate, disappear...
When someone claims that they were "dis-ed"...it carries a lot of negative energy.

But now I am finding the word "discover"...perhaps that's the antidote to this negativity...discover the commonalities...discover the untruth that we have been led to believe was true...that we are too different to get along, so we fight for scraps of scarcity when all the while the universe offers abundance...but we have been taught to distrust the earth and the universe as capable providers of our basic needs.

So back to the people who were guests of family promise. I did not ask them to share their stories of homelessness...but am admittedly curious. I enjoyed getting to know their strengths and insights, and at the time their problems did not seem important. I do wonder if they wanted to tell that part of their story though...I am not sure.

Anyway, I have to get back to work...
Love and Light,
Maggie

Gratitude

2 crazy days here...everything is good...I just had stacked schedules.

I had a long talk with my wise friend today...she laughed heartily when I told her all that your friend told me. She told me the universe is conspiring and that I should pay attention.

I spent the evening with 3 families who are currently homeless.
They are warm and funny and incredibly optimistic. I really enjoyed talking with them and getting to know them. I didn't ask their circumstances, but was struck by how homelessness can effect anyone...
it makes me stop and think hard...and be grateful for the blessings that I have.

I will write more tomorrow...just wanted to check in today.
Have a good night.
Cast off tomorrow...congratulations!

Love and Light,
Maggie

violations

now you're on a roll like me!  i can list innumerable incidences of violence.  we need to look at them so we can stop!

i have been concerned about a young man i really love.  he's as dear as my children, but since he's not a bio-kid, he's slipping away.  he has been making some poor choices, and so people are labeling him, blaming him.  and, yes, we do need to take responsibility for our choices, but some people never have a chance.  this young man was born to a physically abusive man.  his parents split and he was the youngest of four, living with a sick, single mom.  he grew up in poverty.  he was not worth medical or dental care to our representatives, and so he lived in pain sometimes.  he was labeled poor, shuttled along in school.  how could he ever develop any sense of self worth?  so i'm reaching out, quietly, just to remind him that someone knows he's alive and is happy for that...

i know of two young men who lived in two different, but similarly chaotic households.  both have spoken, ashamedly, of having to eat dogfood, home alone, waiting for a parent to return.  one was left overnight sometimes.  we live in such violence.  could we stomach seeing the private lives of people?

when i read about your reaction to the woman who was becoming short-tempered with her child, it came to me that staring stops the behavior in public because it stimulates shame.  we need a 'me, too!' response or action to include the mom, let her know we all get tired and cranky sometimes.

we loved having you here.  i loved having you here.  i'm so glad you're considering coming back.  i thought about coming down when my youngest comes to visit her dad, but i don't want to leave while the dog is still with me.

i found the crook for the basket of flowers, but i haven't gotten my plants in the ground yet.  tonight is supposed to be cold, so everything is on the back porch...maybe tomorrow.

the next day, the cast comes off.  there may be capital letters in my future!!

i love you, hugs to all at your house...

clare

Our conversation on violence

Back again...thank you for a beautiful weekend.
It was good to sit and walk with you...sorry we didn't get to plant...perhaps soon.

I believe the discussion of violence...
noticing the subtle onset...seeing the control...identifying it...naming it...breaking the cycle
was important.
The initial violation of another...or of self for that matter.
The disconnect that occurs when we lose our center because of another's force or influence upon us.
The disconnect that leads to our belief that violence is something we tolerate or worse yet...deserve.
How many of us heard that we were "rotten kids" or "bad" or that we were "a pain in the ass" and "to be seen and not heard"...those words change us...at the very core of our being...down to the genes that determine our body's health or disease. Last week I heard a woman making nasty comments to a toddler who was simply curious in the grocery check out line...I made sure that she knew that I was watching her actions...and she calmed down...why does it take the stare  of a stranger to make us realize that our behavior is not appropriate? Why couldn't this woman just understand that this was a normal toddler and curiosity is a sign of intelligence? She may be mimicking the behavior that she endured as a toddler...most of us are mindless when we react...doing what we know...not thinking about alternatives or consequences.

We, as humans, need to wake up to the violations that are occurring all around us...
We exploit and destroy the earth for profit...we allow fossil fuels to drive our commerce and government
We use animals for profit and pleasure without regard to their sentiment nature
We use humans as slave labor by continuing to purchase products that are known to be created on the backs of unpaid or underpaid workers...including young children...chocolate, coffee, shrimp, clothing, rubber, and the list goes on and on.
We purchase and consume products that are known to violate all aspects of life...and fail to think about the "ripples" of those choices.
We abuse our own bodies with alcohol and substances that we know harm us.
We separate mothers and babies even though we know that breastfeeding and strong bonds are important for good health and development.
We convince women that their bodies are their enemies...diets, plastic surgery, bariatric surgery, hair dye, make up, spans...all meant to cover up our natural "flaws" and make us more like that elusive "perfection" that we are supposed to achieve.
We sexualize young girls to make a buck or feed their parents' pride in these ridiculous pageants and TV shows.
We ostracize young women when that sexuality gets them "knocked up"...and shake our heads in disbelief that they could actually have sex before marriage....and then are dumbstruck when they struggle to raise their children alone...continuing the poverty/poor education cycle.
We allow our children to bully their classmates to feed their own injured self-esteem.
We say there is "zero tolerance" for violence...but look the other way when it is happening.

Sorry, I could go on and on.
It really is time to name it...expose it...all facets of the same entity and reconnect...that will be the solution to violence...reconnection.

I had a moment (or two) at yoga this morning, when I went to a different plane...
it was incredibly peaceful and I was very reluctant to come back to my body at the end of the meditation. I am grateful for that brief time.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day. It was wonderful to see you and your family (most of them). I am sad that I did not have the opportunity to meet your youngest grandson and his sister ...next time I will.

Love and Light,
Maggie

together

low blogging activity this weekend, because sisters spent the weekend together.  we had a chance to talk and talk, then talk some more.  we were able to stay up late--ish (for me!) over a bottle of the local reisling.

it was good to connect, to look at her, to see her, to notice how she has changed.  my sister is kinder, more laid back, gentler than i have ever seen.  she has always been friendly, intelligent, willing to help anyone, but there is a settled spirit now, a faith, a patience.

i was grateful to have her, as we had a surprise guest.  my son called to ask if he could bring his new girlfriend for brunch.  my haphazard, one-handed housecleaning is okay for family, but i panicked a little and saw our mess through new eyes.  my sister took a two handed lead in preparing food and cleaning up.

of all the things we revisited, i think what left me with the most to consider is a discussion we had about circumcision.  i found a more ancient definition, a spiritual purification.  my sister described a circumcision of the heart as purposely opening or removing the armor around the heart.  it is about being joined, being in the flow, being vulnerable.  i understood.

i think maybe we need two words - circumcision for the spiritual meaning and amputation for the physical act.

and i was able to share some of my insights, to test some of my ideas.  i was heard.  it was a gift.

she is driving home.  i send prayers for safe travel.

and i send lots of love,

clare