Clare,
I went to the gathering yesterday with my daughters and one of their significant others. It was small, S#5 and her husband and son, B#2, B#4, parents, my group. It was nice though- not a lot of high energy rushing. Papa looks better than I expected from the previous reports. He didn't move around very much- his hip is hurting. He did mention the pain meds were making him smile- that's a good thing. He joked with my girls about fishing and other superficial things. He did not call my oldest by his nickname for her. He did mess up my younger daughter's name- as usual...he puts an 'ie' on the end instead of 'ia'. Mom was quite happy to be with family. She and S#5 talked a lot about their fantasy football playing. I don't understand that.
Resolutions: I'm going to take better care of me this year.
more yoga
more meditation
more walking
better dietary choices- not a 'diet' but better choices
Is that selfish?
For my birthday I am going to Kripalu for the weekend with a friend. We are enrolled in a seminar about trauma healing. On of the presenters is an authority on healing trauma through body work- I've read his book and taken his course on line. The other is a therapist, singer-songwriter. She is doing a breakout session on expressing pain/healing through song. I am so excited! I'm watching the weather- I think Massachusetts gets a lot of snow. Yoga several times a day, natural healthy foods, spa, life will be good. I'm giving myself this present for turning 55.
I'm battling a cold...congestion, runny eyes, pink eye, fatigue...but I refuse to give in.
I think New Year's Eve is going to be spent napping and sleeping. Husband is on call so we don't have plans.
Blessings beautiful sister...
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Happy New Year
Hi Maggie,
It's the last day of 2016.
I have been thinking about the year, and what is ahead. This year was dark in so many ways, but when it was Light, it was Light!! And sometimes it was both - like having Emily die in my arms - that whole process of her softening and releasing and mine of deciding she should not have to endure any more pain. It should not have to hurt before we go...
And worrying about Dad...knowing he is in the process of releasing, and hoping it all unfolds with grace and love...that has been both...
The Lightest moment, though, still Lightens my every day. On my birthday, I expected to go out for dinner with S#3. Instead I had my five children together, with various other beloved members of our extended family, eating pizza. Hanging out. They were all together for the first time in seven years. And it was so amazing. The most amazing gift ever. When my daughter-in-law's mom heard, she cried. She knew how deep and special this moment was.
And you were part of that...thank you so much...
I slept fairly well last night, but I was awake for a short while. I am thinking about resolutions. Someone, a friend who is also a friend on everyone's favorite social media, challenged us all to not buy a single plastic bottle full of water this year. That goes well with my ongoing attempt to reduce the amount of plastic I buy and am forced to discard.
One of my favorite pasta sauces just changed to plastic jars. I will not be buying it any more.
It is hard...ridiculously hard...
But I was thinking about blockages and flow. And I started thinking about parasitism versus symbiotic relationships. Our species is behaving like parasites on this Earth. We take and don't give. We live in an unsustainable manner, and just hope there is enough for us to survive. Our attitude is really, if we pull back the curtain and look at the TRUTH, it is - fuck our grandchildren, as long as we make it with what we want, what we deserve.
Kind of like Lucy, "All I want is my fair share..." But we don't have any comparison for understanding our fair share. We just have television. Our country has 5% of the world's population, and we use 25% of the world's resources. There is no way we understand fair share. We take what the neighbor takes, and if we are spiritual and aware, we take a little less.
Parasites kill their host. It is really the only possible end. Then we go on to find another host. But if you only have one planet, well, that doesn't work.
How do we become symbiotes?
How do we unblock the flow? One of the most frightening and glaring examples, is of course our 1%, our billionaires. They are the ultimate parasites. There is really no way to accumulate that much wealth without exploiting the Earth or exploiting other humans.
I have been thinking that maybe someone needs to identify and define pathological greed as a recognizable mental illness. We need to see this for what it is rather than continuing to honor the caste system which underlies all this puritanical belief that if you have money, god loves you. And with this proof of god's love - you don't have to change or acknowledge the people or situation where there is obviously no love from god.
So - resolutions - try to recognize and not be involved in parasitism. Reduce plastic use. Clean up my diet. And make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed. A lot of times Nephew and I sort of graze in the evenings. Since there isn't a meal, there isn't a clean up.
It's all connected somehow.
Happy New Year Little Sister!!
With love and hugs from Clare
It's the last day of 2016.
I have been thinking about the year, and what is ahead. This year was dark in so many ways, but when it was Light, it was Light!! And sometimes it was both - like having Emily die in my arms - that whole process of her softening and releasing and mine of deciding she should not have to endure any more pain. It should not have to hurt before we go...
And worrying about Dad...knowing he is in the process of releasing, and hoping it all unfolds with grace and love...that has been both...
The Lightest moment, though, still Lightens my every day. On my birthday, I expected to go out for dinner with S#3. Instead I had my five children together, with various other beloved members of our extended family, eating pizza. Hanging out. They were all together for the first time in seven years. And it was so amazing. The most amazing gift ever. When my daughter-in-law's mom heard, she cried. She knew how deep and special this moment was.
And you were part of that...thank you so much...
I slept fairly well last night, but I was awake for a short while. I am thinking about resolutions. Someone, a friend who is also a friend on everyone's favorite social media, challenged us all to not buy a single plastic bottle full of water this year. That goes well with my ongoing attempt to reduce the amount of plastic I buy and am forced to discard.
One of my favorite pasta sauces just changed to plastic jars. I will not be buying it any more.
It is hard...ridiculously hard...
But I was thinking about blockages and flow. And I started thinking about parasitism versus symbiotic relationships. Our species is behaving like parasites on this Earth. We take and don't give. We live in an unsustainable manner, and just hope there is enough for us to survive. Our attitude is really, if we pull back the curtain and look at the TRUTH, it is - fuck our grandchildren, as long as we make it with what we want, what we deserve.
Kind of like Lucy, "All I want is my fair share..." But we don't have any comparison for understanding our fair share. We just have television. Our country has 5% of the world's population, and we use 25% of the world's resources. There is no way we understand fair share. We take what the neighbor takes, and if we are spiritual and aware, we take a little less.
Parasites kill their host. It is really the only possible end. Then we go on to find another host. But if you only have one planet, well, that doesn't work.
How do we become symbiotes?
How do we unblock the flow? One of the most frightening and glaring examples, is of course our 1%, our billionaires. They are the ultimate parasites. There is really no way to accumulate that much wealth without exploiting the Earth or exploiting other humans.
I have been thinking that maybe someone needs to identify and define pathological greed as a recognizable mental illness. We need to see this for what it is rather than continuing to honor the caste system which underlies all this puritanical belief that if you have money, god loves you. And with this proof of god's love - you don't have to change or acknowledge the people or situation where there is obviously no love from god.
So - resolutions - try to recognize and not be involved in parasitism. Reduce plastic use. Clean up my diet. And make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed. A lot of times Nephew and I sort of graze in the evenings. Since there isn't a meal, there isn't a clean up.
It's all connected somehow.
Happy New Year Little Sister!!
With love and hugs from Clare
Friday, December 30, 2016
let it flow
Hi Maggie,
I really want to know exactly what kind of caroling you are doing! Details, please!
I am so glad you are still spending time with your boy. It is so important for both of you.
I had a silent meeting, a meeting for discernment last night. We need to do it again.
But last night I got a sense of what Friends have done in the past, giving me a glimmer of what we can do in the future. I was thinking about the way Friends exposed and changed the way the mentally ill were treated, slavery and the Underground Railroad, and womens' rights. I know the women's rights movement was inspired by women from near Lake Ontario brushing community with the Haudenosaunee women, who had equal rights. It let women know it was possible.
I thought about where the Light is working right now. It seems it is with the healers and with the water protectors. Then I realized the ice is melting. It seemed pertinent.
And we need to be led by the indigenous. They know more than we do.
What came to me is that this planet, life here, it is ruled by flow. Everything is supposed to flow, and then it is healthy. Where there is a plug, ill health - lack of rights, degradation of the Earth, etc. - occur. Friends pulled the plug, allowed the Light to shine into the dark, and allowed at least a trickle of flow to reestablish itself.
There are so many plugs. How do we pull them?
There are plugs in me. I thought I was getting stronger and healthier, but I have fallen back into my sugar addiction again, and I feel like shit. I know the problem, but addiction is so much stronger than wisdom right now.
Where is the plug in me? I have to sit with it. I am currently reading Christiane Northrup. It is the right book for me to be reading right now. I know she is leading me to an answer.
In the meantime, though...I am not enjoying the way I feel...
Hope all is well with you. What will you do for New Years?
Love and hugs from Clare
I really want to know exactly what kind of caroling you are doing! Details, please!
I am so glad you are still spending time with your boy. It is so important for both of you.
I had a silent meeting, a meeting for discernment last night. We need to do it again.
But last night I got a sense of what Friends have done in the past, giving me a glimmer of what we can do in the future. I was thinking about the way Friends exposed and changed the way the mentally ill were treated, slavery and the Underground Railroad, and womens' rights. I know the women's rights movement was inspired by women from near Lake Ontario brushing community with the Haudenosaunee women, who had equal rights. It let women know it was possible.
I thought about where the Light is working right now. It seems it is with the healers and with the water protectors. Then I realized the ice is melting. It seemed pertinent.
And we need to be led by the indigenous. They know more than we do.
What came to me is that this planet, life here, it is ruled by flow. Everything is supposed to flow, and then it is healthy. Where there is a plug, ill health - lack of rights, degradation of the Earth, etc. - occur. Friends pulled the plug, allowed the Light to shine into the dark, and allowed at least a trickle of flow to reestablish itself.
There are so many plugs. How do we pull them?
There are plugs in me. I thought I was getting stronger and healthier, but I have fallen back into my sugar addiction again, and I feel like shit. I know the problem, but addiction is so much stronger than wisdom right now.
Where is the plug in me? I have to sit with it. I am currently reading Christiane Northrup. It is the right book for me to be reading right now. I know she is leading me to an answer.
In the meantime, though...I am not enjoying the way I feel...
Hope all is well with you. What will you do for New Years?
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
interesting excursion
Clare,
I realize I did not publish my last post...
left it as a draft...
sorry.
I worked for a few hours today and then took my young man to visit his family. They want to know why the younger brother isn't with me...
I tell them he doesn't want contract with us...
he's exercising his autonomy...
he doesn't want to rock his rickety boat of stability.
The young man and his Nana went to the kitchen to eat pie and the great-aunt (she's my age) asked me why he's no longer living with us...She said something about our "tough rules". I told her the true reason is because he doesn't want anyone to get too close. He wants his family- particularly Dad- to rush in and take him home. I explained that he was uncomfortable, even miserable, at my house because we do love him. All of the stuff about rules is an excuse. She seems to understand. She said that she can see that I care because I still stay in contact with him. It was good to be heard and seen by them. I gave the young man a journal, a sand dollar he brought back from NC (but left at the house), and a hoodie from his school's basketball team. He was very excited to get the hoodie especially.
I am supposed to go caroling tomorrow afternoon in a small town in the northern part of the county. We are expecting 3-5 inches of snow. It might be really beautiful! I went in another small town yesterday, it was quite interesting...
I'm not sure it is in the best of taste to give you the particulars of the excursion...
needless to say it was interesting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I realize I did not publish my last post...
left it as a draft...
sorry.
I worked for a few hours today and then took my young man to visit his family. They want to know why the younger brother isn't with me...
I tell them he doesn't want contract with us...
he's exercising his autonomy...
he doesn't want to rock his rickety boat of stability.
The young man and his Nana went to the kitchen to eat pie and the great-aunt (she's my age) asked me why he's no longer living with us...She said something about our "tough rules". I told her the true reason is because he doesn't want anyone to get too close. He wants his family- particularly Dad- to rush in and take him home. I explained that he was uncomfortable, even miserable, at my house because we do love him. All of the stuff about rules is an excuse. She seems to understand. She said that she can see that I care because I still stay in contact with him. It was good to be heard and seen by them. I gave the young man a journal, a sand dollar he brought back from NC (but left at the house), and a hoodie from his school's basketball team. He was very excited to get the hoodie especially.
I am supposed to go caroling tomorrow afternoon in a small town in the northern part of the county. We are expecting 3-5 inches of snow. It might be really beautiful! I went in another small town yesterday, it was quite interesting...
I'm not sure it is in the best of taste to give you the particulars of the excursion...
needless to say it was interesting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
reflections
Clare,
It was good to see you, and the extended family last weekend. I had a good time. I really mean that. For me there was a different feel to the gathering. I laughed and enjoyed myself. I wasn't sad or stressed out. It was a good feelings. I wish more of my brood attended, but it wasn't in the cards.
I'm trying to pull specific memories out to share, but it is all a blur. I did have a conversation with Papa…
he bragged about firing multiple doctors who have kept him waiting or who didn't give him the answers he wanted. He is so tough on people. I guess if you are in the home stretch of life you can be assertive and get what you want…
the problem is that sometimes you get exactly what you think you wanted and it turns out to be disappointing…
or hollow….
or unsettling.
Mom seemed to be in her glory…
surrounded by her kids, grands, and great-grands…
I had a realization that I am, once again, behind most of you all…
no grandkids and none on the horizon.
It's ok…
but they are so cute.
What are your impressions of the gathering?
My youngest is making poor choices again. I had approximately 3 weeks to be calm and now he's acting out. I don't want to rush time…
but it will be good when he's old enough to understand the repercussions of his actions and choices.
I have a very full week. I have a grant deadline. I'm organizing a 5K fundraiser, I had class last night, I'm going to a conference on Friday. I wanted to go to a conference onThursday- but have no time.
I am really looking forward to Sunday evening and breathing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It was good to see you, and the extended family last weekend. I had a good time. I really mean that. For me there was a different feel to the gathering. I laughed and enjoyed myself. I wasn't sad or stressed out. It was a good feelings. I wish more of my brood attended, but it wasn't in the cards.
I'm trying to pull specific memories out to share, but it is all a blur. I did have a conversation with Papa…
he bragged about firing multiple doctors who have kept him waiting or who didn't give him the answers he wanted. He is so tough on people. I guess if you are in the home stretch of life you can be assertive and get what you want…
the problem is that sometimes you get exactly what you think you wanted and it turns out to be disappointing…
or hollow….
or unsettling.
Mom seemed to be in her glory…
surrounded by her kids, grands, and great-grands…
I had a realization that I am, once again, behind most of you all…
no grandkids and none on the horizon.
It's ok…
but they are so cute.
What are your impressions of the gathering?
My youngest is making poor choices again. I had approximately 3 weeks to be calm and now he's acting out. I don't want to rush time…
but it will be good when he's old enough to understand the repercussions of his actions and choices.
I have a very full week. I have a grant deadline. I'm organizing a 5K fundraiser, I had class last night, I'm going to a conference on Friday. I wanted to go to a conference onThursday- but have no time.
I am really looking forward to Sunday evening and breathing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
kinda
Hi Love,
You are learning...whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Relax and enjoy. I think I have gotten somewhat good at this one.
Lots more where that came from, through. I 'spect there will be more and more lessons no matter how long I live.
When Mom told me Dad slept most of the day, I started to get the feeling that he was softening. I have felt it over and over...that soft place between this side and the other, where it is possible to feel both. Or maybe, possible to acknowledge both. I think going through the process makes the transition easier. Much easier than having a sudden trauma that knocks you out of earthly and into heavenly.
I started back to work today. It seemed like a very long day. But conversations were deep.
I am feeling...I am not sure what. I am feeling not central to anyone or anything. I have these spells where I think that if I slipped away, no one would miss me. I am not feeling vital.
What do I want? I don't know. I kind of don't care.
This will pass. Because at a deeper level, I am getting excited about spring. I am getting excited about getting chickens. I am playing with the idea of moving a garden and creating hot boxes against the garden wall for starting plants early and keeping greens growing through the winter.
I am sliding back into the enthusiasm for self-sufficency and homesteading that I had when I was young.
I promised my daughter a knitted gift for her work exchange by Thursday. Gotta go get started...I agreed, because she just brought me very bulky yarn!
Love you, miss you,sending hugs...
Clare
You are learning...whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Relax and enjoy. I think I have gotten somewhat good at this one.
Lots more where that came from, through. I 'spect there will be more and more lessons no matter how long I live.
When Mom told me Dad slept most of the day, I started to get the feeling that he was softening. I have felt it over and over...that soft place between this side and the other, where it is possible to feel both. Or maybe, possible to acknowledge both. I think going through the process makes the transition easier. Much easier than having a sudden trauma that knocks you out of earthly and into heavenly.
I started back to work today. It seemed like a very long day. But conversations were deep.
I am feeling...I am not sure what. I am feeling not central to anyone or anything. I have these spells where I think that if I slipped away, no one would miss me. I am not feeling vital.
What do I want? I don't know. I kind of don't care.
This will pass. Because at a deeper level, I am getting excited about spring. I am getting excited about getting chickens. I am playing with the idea of moving a garden and creating hot boxes against the garden wall for starting plants early and keeping greens growing through the winter.
I am sliding back into the enthusiasm for self-sufficency and homesteading that I had when I was young.
I promised my daughter a knitted gift for her work exchange by Thursday. Gotta go get started...I agreed, because she just brought me very bulky yarn!
Love you, miss you,sending hugs...
Clare
Monday, December 26, 2016
Quiet holiday
Clare,
Blessed second day of Christmas.
My Christmas eve was filled with baking and preparing. I made the annual sweet rolls...
no one wanted to help...
but they were thrilled that I was making a double batch. I anticipated 9 sleepers in our house for Christmas Eve. But, as the day progressed my second daughter told me she was not coming for the night...another stop had been added to their Christmas Eve tour. A little while later my older son told me that he and his girlfriend had to work later than expected so they would also be coming on Christmas morning. At first I was feeling sad...disappointed...
but I decided to enjoy what was happening at the house and not wish for more.
I spent over 4 hours going to...being at...and returning home from the Meeting house. I had a brilliant idea to create luminaries to hold thoughts and people in the Light (literally). It seemed like a great idea...for any size donation people created bags with names or ideas that they wanted to be held on Christmas Eve. I collected $150, which will be used to help our immigrant families with summer camps for their children. The "bump in the road" came when only one woman offered to help set them up with me. I was obligated to set up, monitor, and clean up through a 2 hour vigil.
The sand I bought to weigh the bags down was wet. A few of the bags began to break apart before we could place them. The tea light candles only burned for about 45 min. I had to replace and relight them all about half way through the vigil. One of the bags broke through and bent over- catching fire. Luckily a woman was taking a picture of the scene at the time and she put it out. If I eve do this again it will involve mason jars, no sand, and possible battery run candles.
Christmas Day was lovely. We didn't begin to open presents until about 10. It took us hours as we took frequent breaks and the kids were telling stories. It was a great day.
My youngest is behaving better the past few days. He does know that if he is expelled from this school, his next school is in Utah. He asked to go there to avoid failing 2 classes- I told him to work harder. The option is available...but not as an escape.
Back to work tomorrow...I've got to get a bunch of hours in so I can go to MD on Friday. I spoke with Mama D and S#5...I am worried that Papa's time is drawing near. If I had to guess I'd say early spring. I hate to say that, but it is my gut instinct. S#5 and I spoke of Mama's reluctance to acknowledge what's going on. I spoke with her about getting a palliative care specialist to help with comfort...she heard "hospice". I had to reassure her that many people use palliative care for chronic pain conditions and the goal was comfort. We really need to support S#5 during this period.
That's about all for now...I've got to let husband remove a large splinter from my finger...I pushed a window up quickly to scare the squirrels from my bird feeder and got a splinter in my pinky from the window jam...I need to learn patience.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Blessed second day of Christmas.
My Christmas eve was filled with baking and preparing. I made the annual sweet rolls...
no one wanted to help...
but they were thrilled that I was making a double batch. I anticipated 9 sleepers in our house for Christmas Eve. But, as the day progressed my second daughter told me she was not coming for the night...another stop had been added to their Christmas Eve tour. A little while later my older son told me that he and his girlfriend had to work later than expected so they would also be coming on Christmas morning. At first I was feeling sad...disappointed...
but I decided to enjoy what was happening at the house and not wish for more.
I spent over 4 hours going to...being at...and returning home from the Meeting house. I had a brilliant idea to create luminaries to hold thoughts and people in the Light (literally). It seemed like a great idea...for any size donation people created bags with names or ideas that they wanted to be held on Christmas Eve. I collected $150, which will be used to help our immigrant families with summer camps for their children. The "bump in the road" came when only one woman offered to help set them up with me. I was obligated to set up, monitor, and clean up through a 2 hour vigil.
The sand I bought to weigh the bags down was wet. A few of the bags began to break apart before we could place them. The tea light candles only burned for about 45 min. I had to replace and relight them all about half way through the vigil. One of the bags broke through and bent over- catching fire. Luckily a woman was taking a picture of the scene at the time and she put it out. If I eve do this again it will involve mason jars, no sand, and possible battery run candles.
Christmas Day was lovely. We didn't begin to open presents until about 10. It took us hours as we took frequent breaks and the kids were telling stories. It was a great day.
My youngest is behaving better the past few days. He does know that if he is expelled from this school, his next school is in Utah. He asked to go there to avoid failing 2 classes- I told him to work harder. The option is available...but not as an escape.
Back to work tomorrow...I've got to get a bunch of hours in so I can go to MD on Friday. I spoke with Mama D and S#5...I am worried that Papa's time is drawing near. If I had to guess I'd say early spring. I hate to say that, but it is my gut instinct. S#5 and I spoke of Mama's reluctance to acknowledge what's going on. I spoke with her about getting a palliative care specialist to help with comfort...she heard "hospice". I had to reassure her that many people use palliative care for chronic pain conditions and the goal was comfort. We really need to support S#5 during this period.
That's about all for now...I've got to let husband remove a large splinter from my finger...I pushed a window up quickly to scare the squirrels from my bird feeder and got a splinter in my pinky from the window jam...I need to learn patience.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Looks like we made it...
Hi Maggie,
We survived yet one more Christmas. Only 364 days until we have to do it again...
Christmas seemed quiet, almost pensive, this year. I am not sure why. I didn't feel the same lingering connection as I did last year. It was almost as if we were going through the motions, or as if we were doing what we had to do. But I never felt much breakthrough to real Christmas joy.
I talked to Mom and she said Dad pretty much stayed in bed all day. He is very tired. That makes me wonder how much time is left...
I am thinking forward to the next year, thinking resolutions, maybe. What do I want to change? What do I have to change? Quakerwise, I am trying to understand what I am being called to do. Personally, I am wondering what I want to be different...or am I ready to just float forward?
After I married, my ex used to keep soda in the house. For the first time in my life I started drinking it daily. I don't even like it...so I made a resolution - no soda. I think I kept that one for years and years. Now I drink soda once or twice a year. I really don't like it.
So what I noticed is that if I make a resolution to lose weight, I don't follow through. But of I make a resolution not to drink soda - that I can do.
So be specific...
One resolution is that I think I want to completely clean the kitchen every night before bed. That is not always easy because we don't always eat meals. We just sort of graze separately, and odds and ends build up on the counters. Then I have a mess that makes everything seem messy. So even if it's just a few things - every night, clean the counters. It makes the next day easier to start.
I also want to get my eating habits adjusted. I think I need to go sugar free again - for years and years would be nice. And I am going to try grain free, and I think even dairy free for awhile.
Is that too much? Because I also need to develop habits for walking and doing, maybe, tai chi and/or yoga. Once I have the habit, I am good. But when I have a practice that is sporadic, I get lost in the time of my day...
I just hope 2017 is a better year than 2016. But with the 1% being put in charge of the cabinet, I have serious doubts...
How was your Christmas??
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
We survived yet one more Christmas. Only 364 days until we have to do it again...
Christmas seemed quiet, almost pensive, this year. I am not sure why. I didn't feel the same lingering connection as I did last year. It was almost as if we were going through the motions, or as if we were doing what we had to do. But I never felt much breakthrough to real Christmas joy.
I talked to Mom and she said Dad pretty much stayed in bed all day. He is very tired. That makes me wonder how much time is left...
I am thinking forward to the next year, thinking resolutions, maybe. What do I want to change? What do I have to change? Quakerwise, I am trying to understand what I am being called to do. Personally, I am wondering what I want to be different...or am I ready to just float forward?
After I married, my ex used to keep soda in the house. For the first time in my life I started drinking it daily. I don't even like it...so I made a resolution - no soda. I think I kept that one for years and years. Now I drink soda once or twice a year. I really don't like it.
So what I noticed is that if I make a resolution to lose weight, I don't follow through. But of I make a resolution not to drink soda - that I can do.
So be specific...
One resolution is that I think I want to completely clean the kitchen every night before bed. That is not always easy because we don't always eat meals. We just sort of graze separately, and odds and ends build up on the counters. Then I have a mess that makes everything seem messy. So even if it's just a few things - every night, clean the counters. It makes the next day easier to start.
I also want to get my eating habits adjusted. I think I need to go sugar free again - for years and years would be nice. And I am going to try grain free, and I think even dairy free for awhile.
Is that too much? Because I also need to develop habits for walking and doing, maybe, tai chi and/or yoga. Once I have the habit, I am good. But when I have a practice that is sporadic, I get lost in the time of my day...
I just hope 2017 is a better year than 2016. But with the 1% being put in charge of the cabinet, I have serious doubts...
How was your Christmas??
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Use me
Hi Maggie,
I am sort of settling into Christmas. I am not ready, I will not be ready, and it is always okay. I have a lot of cleaning and cooking to do, and I have to work tomorrow. I have not wrapped much of anything, but there is not much to wrap. The gifts I need to send are only going out tomorrow. They will be late.
Oh well.
I make lists of what I would like to do, and keep cutting it. Keep delaying...
Christmas has never been easy for me.
I am looking forward to January, settling into my big soft easy chair with seed catalogs, and dreaming of spring.
Maybe I will start preparing for Christmas in February next year...yeah, maybe...
Does your youngest know he is one bad choice from boarding school? You might want to let him know. Or...what does he think he wants?
You know, I have read that more and more women are being hired, because we get paid three-quarters of what our male counterparts are paid. And more and more of those women work part-time, because then we don't get benefits, or, because then the employer does not have to pay benefits. And that is why it happens to us. It is how the 1% exploit the rest of us.
I had a committee meeting last night. We discerned we are praying the prayer, "Use me." which is frightening. And maybe we are not ready to hear the answer...
When I think about what is happening in this country, it seems surreal.
Feeling a bit lost...but still sending love and hugs from wherever I am.
Clare
I am sort of settling into Christmas. I am not ready, I will not be ready, and it is always okay. I have a lot of cleaning and cooking to do, and I have to work tomorrow. I have not wrapped much of anything, but there is not much to wrap. The gifts I need to send are only going out tomorrow. They will be late.
Oh well.
I make lists of what I would like to do, and keep cutting it. Keep delaying...
Christmas has never been easy for me.
I am looking forward to January, settling into my big soft easy chair with seed catalogs, and dreaming of spring.
Maybe I will start preparing for Christmas in February next year...yeah, maybe...
Does your youngest know he is one bad choice from boarding school? You might want to let him know. Or...what does he think he wants?
You know, I have read that more and more women are being hired, because we get paid three-quarters of what our male counterparts are paid. And more and more of those women work part-time, because then we don't get benefits, or, because then the employer does not have to pay benefits. And that is why it happens to us. It is how the 1% exploit the rest of us.
I had a committee meeting last night. We discerned we are praying the prayer, "Use me." which is frightening. And maybe we are not ready to hear the answer...
When I think about what is happening in this country, it seems surreal.
Feeling a bit lost...but still sending love and hugs from wherever I am.
Clare
unsettled today
Clare,
Only a few more days of preparation. I am pretty much ready. Presents are, for the most part, here. They are wrapped. This is a dangerous time for me, I forget what I've bought. I begin to panic and buy another present to make sure it's even in my head. Then on Christmas morning I realize I've overdone it...again.
I am staying at 25 hours per week for work for at least half of January...
until we see if there's an additional project for me to take on. If this doesn't come through I am not sure I will be able to go full time. I will be piecing together 2-3 jobs to make a full schedule....
of course that means no benefits...
a lack of stability once again.
I'm not sure how I end up...
job after job...
in this same predicament.
part-time- poor pay- no benefits- but they LOVE me and my work type jobs.
I'm sure that job satisfaction is important...
it really is...
but if employers really value an employee they reward them with additional hours/benefits...
I get nothing...
not even a Christmas bonus.
Did I ever tell you that story? My first job after my residency I was working at a family practice office. We had a Christmas party at a local restaurant. As we were finishing dinner and talking I got up to use the ladies' room and when I came back there was an awkward feel at the table. My boss had distributed bonus checks to all of the staff- but told them not to tell me because I was not getting one. I was a professional, not staff, and so he didn't feel he needed to offer me a bonus...
story of my life (professional).
Daughter #2 and I went shopping together yesterday. She is so nice to hang out with. She is very calm and easy going- most of the time. Her boyfriend came up and we went to dinner. What a great day.
I'm making pumpkin and banana breads today...small loaves for the neighbors and larger loaves for our Christmas dinner. I braved the grocery store today to buy ingredients for Christmas dinner. Cornish hens, quick, onion soup, rice pilaf, roasted root vegetables, apple crisp and ice cream.
Of course sweet rolls for breakfast...
I hope your short days are filled with love.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Only a few more days of preparation. I am pretty much ready. Presents are, for the most part, here. They are wrapped. This is a dangerous time for me, I forget what I've bought. I begin to panic and buy another present to make sure it's even in my head. Then on Christmas morning I realize I've overdone it...again.
I am staying at 25 hours per week for work for at least half of January...
until we see if there's an additional project for me to take on. If this doesn't come through I am not sure I will be able to go full time. I will be piecing together 2-3 jobs to make a full schedule....
of course that means no benefits...
a lack of stability once again.
I'm not sure how I end up...
job after job...
in this same predicament.
part-time- poor pay- no benefits- but they LOVE me and my work type jobs.
I'm sure that job satisfaction is important...
it really is...
but if employers really value an employee they reward them with additional hours/benefits...
I get nothing...
not even a Christmas bonus.
Did I ever tell you that story? My first job after my residency I was working at a family practice office. We had a Christmas party at a local restaurant. As we were finishing dinner and talking I got up to use the ladies' room and when I came back there was an awkward feel at the table. My boss had distributed bonus checks to all of the staff- but told them not to tell me because I was not getting one. I was a professional, not staff, and so he didn't feel he needed to offer me a bonus...
story of my life (professional).
Daughter #2 and I went shopping together yesterday. She is so nice to hang out with. She is very calm and easy going- most of the time. Her boyfriend came up and we went to dinner. What a great day.
I'm making pumpkin and banana breads today...small loaves for the neighbors and larger loaves for our Christmas dinner. I braved the grocery store today to buy ingredients for Christmas dinner. Cornish hens, quick, onion soup, rice pilaf, roasted root vegetables, apple crisp and ice cream.
Of course sweet rolls for breakfast...
I hope your short days are filled with love.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
still tired
This is stressed out time...I'm not so sure about the joy though.
I do have a sense of joy as I purchase perfect gifts for people...
or from friends who make beautiful things for me to give to others...
double gifting.
I bought several art or jewelry pieces this year from friends who are artists...
I'm so happy to have supported their work.
I bought 4 plain skateboard decks for my older son to paint and prep as a gift. He loves to paint and place the grip tape and then give/sell them to others. This gift gives him an opportunity to create, it also give shim an opportunity to make some money.
I am still at the end of my patience with my youngest.
I understand that he is becoming who he inherently is...
but he's so difficult during this process.
I am seriously considering boarding school again. He is one tardy or positive drug screen away from expulsion. If he is expelled he is going to boarding school. I cannot take the stress. I'm not sure that I have the guts to go through with this plan...
but it makes me feel better to have a plan.
I don't know what to do, but I cannot keep living like this for long.
One of us is going to be hurt seriously.
I am tired.
I am going to full time work in January...
I hope that I can keep up with all of my household responsibilities. We may eat take out every night after this. I already cook several meals on Sundays to eat at the beginning of the week...
I guess it will be cooking on weekends and eating leftovers all week long.
My little dog is slowing way down. She spends most of her time lying on her side, breathing quite rapidly. She is eating, but not like usual, she is limping on her back leg...
I am afraid that she will die soon. I expect her to die overnight or while I'm at work. She's always been a loner. I keep telling her how much we love her.
What a year for pets.
I'm falling asleep instead of typing...
Love and light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I do have a sense of joy as I purchase perfect gifts for people...
or from friends who make beautiful things for me to give to others...
double gifting.
I bought several art or jewelry pieces this year from friends who are artists...
I'm so happy to have supported their work.
I bought 4 plain skateboard decks for my older son to paint and prep as a gift. He loves to paint and place the grip tape and then give/sell them to others. This gift gives him an opportunity to create, it also give shim an opportunity to make some money.
I am still at the end of my patience with my youngest.
I understand that he is becoming who he inherently is...
but he's so difficult during this process.
I am seriously considering boarding school again. He is one tardy or positive drug screen away from expulsion. If he is expelled he is going to boarding school. I cannot take the stress. I'm not sure that I have the guts to go through with this plan...
but it makes me feel better to have a plan.
I don't know what to do, but I cannot keep living like this for long.
One of us is going to be hurt seriously.
I am tired.
I am going to full time work in January...
I hope that I can keep up with all of my household responsibilities. We may eat take out every night after this. I already cook several meals on Sundays to eat at the beginning of the week...
I guess it will be cooking on weekends and eating leftovers all week long.
My little dog is slowing way down. She spends most of her time lying on her side, breathing quite rapidly. She is eating, but not like usual, she is limping on her back leg...
I am afraid that she will die soon. I expect her to die overnight or while I'm at work. She's always been a loner. I keep telling her how much we love her.
What a year for pets.
I'm falling asleep instead of typing...
Love and light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, December 18, 2016
stressed-out joy
Hi Little Sister,
And so, Christmas is stressful if you are central to everyone's plans, it is equally stressful if you are not central to anyone's plans. Christmas is stressful and confusing and maybe lacking in authenticity, which could be a root of the stress, as well.
I still wonder, each year, what we are celebrating. Last night I had Christmas carols playing as I decorated. Christ is king resounds over and over. But he was here to not be a king...His message has been convoluted, which is why I really can't consider myself a Christian. What it means now has nothing to do with the original message.
And as I was listening to these songs, I was hanging a lot of snowmen and Santa Clauses and angels and a cow and a violin...what does these images mean. There is no connect. It felt crazy. We have a fish ornament that a friend brought back from Mexico.
One year I did not decorate. Instead, I put candles everywhere. It was lovely.
I know we are celebrating the Light, the return of Light after surviving the darkest part of the year. So maybe I should ditch the ornaments, and just string lights everywhere. Maybe that would mean something to me.
I have the creche out, because it belonged to my kids' great-grandmother. Some of the ornaments are from their grandmother. Some of the ornaments were made by my kids when they were young. And every year we laugh at the popsicle stick, wire, and yarn creation made by my middle one when he was quite young...
Is this the point, to revisit memories in the darkest days, to allow us to go forward together, reminded of our connections, into the Lightest, busiest, most public time of year?
Anyway I have been eating sugar. I feel...unhealthy!
You know, parents are not gods, although they/we may seem so. Kids are not formed by us. Each Spirit has a self, a way of understanding, a mission, we come in with. We have a soul contract with our parents, who will provide some of what we need to fulfill our mission. You did not create your son. You helped form his worldview, but he came in with more than you gave him. You loved him. You gave him what you thought he needed. That is being a parent...
He does have to take full responsibility for his actions. That is how we learn. He may be getting a rather late start, but he's a smart boy. He will catch up.
And he will go through a period of hating you. Then he'll learn some valuable lessons,and he'll see it all differently. These are the steps we all go through...just part of being human.
I think I am going to veg out..popcorn and a movie...I am tired and the week ahead will be stressed-out joy!
Love and hugs from Clare
And so, Christmas is stressful if you are central to everyone's plans, it is equally stressful if you are not central to anyone's plans. Christmas is stressful and confusing and maybe lacking in authenticity, which could be a root of the stress, as well.
I still wonder, each year, what we are celebrating. Last night I had Christmas carols playing as I decorated. Christ is king resounds over and over. But he was here to not be a king...His message has been convoluted, which is why I really can't consider myself a Christian. What it means now has nothing to do with the original message.
And as I was listening to these songs, I was hanging a lot of snowmen and Santa Clauses and angels and a cow and a violin...what does these images mean. There is no connect. It felt crazy. We have a fish ornament that a friend brought back from Mexico.
One year I did not decorate. Instead, I put candles everywhere. It was lovely.
I know we are celebrating the Light, the return of Light after surviving the darkest part of the year. So maybe I should ditch the ornaments, and just string lights everywhere. Maybe that would mean something to me.
I have the creche out, because it belonged to my kids' great-grandmother. Some of the ornaments are from their grandmother. Some of the ornaments were made by my kids when they were young. And every year we laugh at the popsicle stick, wire, and yarn creation made by my middle one when he was quite young...
Is this the point, to revisit memories in the darkest days, to allow us to go forward together, reminded of our connections, into the Lightest, busiest, most public time of year?
Anyway I have been eating sugar. I feel...unhealthy!
You know, parents are not gods, although they/we may seem so. Kids are not formed by us. Each Spirit has a self, a way of understanding, a mission, we come in with. We have a soul contract with our parents, who will provide some of what we need to fulfill our mission. You did not create your son. You helped form his worldview, but he came in with more than you gave him. You loved him. You gave him what you thought he needed. That is being a parent...
He does have to take full responsibility for his actions. That is how we learn. He may be getting a rather late start, but he's a smart boy. He will catch up.
And he will go through a period of hating you. Then he'll learn some valuable lessons,and he'll see it all differently. These are the steps we all go through...just part of being human.
I think I am going to veg out..popcorn and a movie...I am tired and the week ahead will be stressed-out joy!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, December 17, 2016
illusion of magic
Clare,
Maybe that's part of the stress...
not being central to anyone's plans.
I am here to make others' plans materialize.
Buy, wrap, present, make sweet rolls, make dinner...
each one shows up when they are able to.
This year we will have all the kids and their significant others late Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day. So my job is to create the illusion of magical day.
It doesn't feel magical to me though. I feel alone in the stress and preparation. One day I will visit their homes and hopefully help and make them feel the prep time is special time too.
I had 3 parties scheduled for today...
all but the closest was postponed due to weather. What a bonus. But, I anticipate having my oldest here to bake with me...it's almost dinner and she hasn't come by yet. Oh well, my plans not hers.
We are decorating the tree tonight. I think it's going to be husband, oldest daughter, her boyfriend, and me.
I went back to the psychiatrist yesterday...
she gave the same advice...
let him live with the consequences of his choices...
preferably before he's 18 so the punishment isn't a lifelong weight around his neck. She told me to experience this as sadness and grief- not failure...
that was a shift for me...
I do see this as a personal failure- Where did I go wrong?
It's hard to let go of responsibility.
I am going to gather the ornaments...
I love you sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Maybe that's part of the stress...
not being central to anyone's plans.
I am here to make others' plans materialize.
Buy, wrap, present, make sweet rolls, make dinner...
each one shows up when they are able to.
This year we will have all the kids and their significant others late Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day. So my job is to create the illusion of magical day.
It doesn't feel magical to me though. I feel alone in the stress and preparation. One day I will visit their homes and hopefully help and make them feel the prep time is special time too.
I had 3 parties scheduled for today...
all but the closest was postponed due to weather. What a bonus. But, I anticipate having my oldest here to bake with me...it's almost dinner and she hasn't come by yet. Oh well, my plans not hers.
We are decorating the tree tonight. I think it's going to be husband, oldest daughter, her boyfriend, and me.
I went back to the psychiatrist yesterday...
she gave the same advice...
let him live with the consequences of his choices...
preferably before he's 18 so the punishment isn't a lifelong weight around his neck. She told me to experience this as sadness and grief- not failure...
that was a shift for me...
I do see this as a personal failure- Where did I go wrong?
It's hard to let go of responsibility.
I am going to gather the ornaments...
I love you sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, December 16, 2016
being central
Hi Maggie,
What are we singing?
I'm still wondering if the Christmas Spirit is going to creep up on me and surprise me. I talked to a very poetic man today who told me he simply woke up elated this morning. He had absolutely no idea why, but everything, all day long, was good.
So I am wondering if Christmas Spirit is an entity of love and joy and merriment and clear sight that sort of grabs you and swallows you when you are least expecting it.
Maybe we need a new song...
Your youngest did want to go to the psychiatrist. But when he got close, he panicked and blamed it on you. He was lying to himself, and emotionally puking on you.
He needs to take complete responsibility for his actions. Dad protected B#2 over and over. We know by example that it doesn't work.
The Light is there, my love. Just turn to face it. You are worthy.
We have a storm warning. We are being advised to stay off the roads from 7p today until 7p tomorrow. I was going to go shopping with my youngest and my neighbor. Maybe I'll have to/be able to stay home and do something about this house. If I decorate, will I start to feel the Spirit?
The most fun I have been having is making a menu for Christmas Eve. I expect to spend the day puttering and preparing. It is always fun and relaxing.
For the past few years, I have had almost all my fam here for dinner. Then they all go home, latish, and I spend Christmas Eve alone. It is part of getting older. I wake up alone, and open a few gifts alone. Then I go to join the mash of people in my middle son's small, warm home. So I am not alone...but there are moments...
I miss when my kids were little and I was vital and central to Christmas. Now I am part, but it has definitely changed.
Maybe that is why I can't find the Spirit. I'm pouting because I am not central to anyone's celebration...
Ruminating, and sending light and love and hugs...
Clare
What are we singing?
I'm still wondering if the Christmas Spirit is going to creep up on me and surprise me. I talked to a very poetic man today who told me he simply woke up elated this morning. He had absolutely no idea why, but everything, all day long, was good.
So I am wondering if Christmas Spirit is an entity of love and joy and merriment and clear sight that sort of grabs you and swallows you when you are least expecting it.
Maybe we need a new song...
Your youngest did want to go to the psychiatrist. But when he got close, he panicked and blamed it on you. He was lying to himself, and emotionally puking on you.
He needs to take complete responsibility for his actions. Dad protected B#2 over and over. We know by example that it doesn't work.
The Light is there, my love. Just turn to face it. You are worthy.
We have a storm warning. We are being advised to stay off the roads from 7p today until 7p tomorrow. I was going to go shopping with my youngest and my neighbor. Maybe I'll have to/be able to stay home and do something about this house. If I decorate, will I start to feel the Spirit?
The most fun I have been having is making a menu for Christmas Eve. I expect to spend the day puttering and preparing. It is always fun and relaxing.
For the past few years, I have had almost all my fam here for dinner. Then they all go home, latish, and I spend Christmas Eve alone. It is part of getting older. I wake up alone, and open a few gifts alone. Then I go to join the mash of people in my middle son's small, warm home. So I am not alone...but there are moments...
I miss when my kids were little and I was vital and central to Christmas. Now I am part, but it has definitely changed.
Maybe that is why I can't find the Spirit. I'm pouting because I am not central to anyone's celebration...
Ruminating, and sending light and love and hugs...
Clare
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Sing
Clare,
I'm sorry...
I am overwhelmed with life right now.
It all seems to be a chore...
and it should be joy.
I am having to make serious compromises at work...
my full time job is not sustainable. I will probably be working about 25-30 hours because the agency doesn't have funding. I hate that doing what I like and am driven to do is not valued enough to reimburse. My work is quite valuable, but it is a primary prevention strategy- no results measurable for years- therefore not valuable for funding streams.
It's still good work.
My youngest is continuing to drive me crazy. We went to see a psychiatrist- he agreed to go back- last Friday. As we got out of the car in their parking lot he tells me he is only there to appease me and get me off his back. So I wasted 3 hours, money, and a lot of energy on him. He is pushing me every day. I cannot take him most days. I love him, but he is making poor choices and getting his hole deeper and deeper.
I cannot save him at this point...
he's got to figure out the consequences of his choices...
but that hurts husband and I too.
Son#2 tells us we are ego-driven maniacs because we care how his choices reflect on us.
There is pain and grief in lost hopes...
but they are my hopes and dreams.
Christmas is exhausting for me. I have my gifts bought/ordered. I have not wrapped anything yet. I am at a very critical point now- I am trying to stop myself from impulse buying presents for family. I get my gifts selected and purchased and then forget what I have. When I'm shopping I see "pretty things" and buy them impulsively. I have to stay out of stores.
This coming weekend I had too many activities scheduled...
now there's a 5 inch snow/ice forecast and I have free time!
I LOVE SNOW DAYS!!!!!
Unexpected, free time- such a gift!
I am struggling with life.
I am telling myself, "I am enough" and " I will learn through joy and happiness" each day...
still having trouble seeing the light.
I need to sing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm sorry...
I am overwhelmed with life right now.
It all seems to be a chore...
and it should be joy.
I am having to make serious compromises at work...
my full time job is not sustainable. I will probably be working about 25-30 hours because the agency doesn't have funding. I hate that doing what I like and am driven to do is not valued enough to reimburse. My work is quite valuable, but it is a primary prevention strategy- no results measurable for years- therefore not valuable for funding streams.
It's still good work.
My youngest is continuing to drive me crazy. We went to see a psychiatrist- he agreed to go back- last Friday. As we got out of the car in their parking lot he tells me he is only there to appease me and get me off his back. So I wasted 3 hours, money, and a lot of energy on him. He is pushing me every day. I cannot take him most days. I love him, but he is making poor choices and getting his hole deeper and deeper.
I cannot save him at this point...
he's got to figure out the consequences of his choices...
but that hurts husband and I too.
Son#2 tells us we are ego-driven maniacs because we care how his choices reflect on us.
There is pain and grief in lost hopes...
but they are my hopes and dreams.
Christmas is exhausting for me. I have my gifts bought/ordered. I have not wrapped anything yet. I am at a very critical point now- I am trying to stop myself from impulse buying presents for family. I get my gifts selected and purchased and then forget what I have. When I'm shopping I see "pretty things" and buy them impulsively. I have to stay out of stores.
This coming weekend I had too many activities scheduled...
now there's a 5 inch snow/ice forecast and I have free time!
I LOVE SNOW DAYS!!!!!
Unexpected, free time- such a gift!
I am struggling with life.
I am telling myself, "I am enough" and " I will learn through joy and happiness" each day...
still having trouble seeing the light.
I need to sing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Self-empowered
Hi Maggie,
Quick check-in just to note what I have been thinking about...maybe it will lead to further, deeper rumination.
Thinking about self-empowerment, about understanding that I am enough, and that I deserve...
Then thinking about the martyr/victim role. It seems to be that if you never walk through the swamp, self-empowerment simply feeds being victim. Self-empowerment becomes a way to avoid taking responsibility. But once you have walked through the swamp, passed back through the pain, know what happened to you...then the hard part, to see what you have done to others while reacting to your pain...and understand and accept responsibility, there is more of a balance.
Once you accept responsibility, you are no longer victim but co-creator. Once you understand responsibility, awareness spreads throughout your being, and your self-empowerment is different...balanced...fair to the others in your life.
I am taking a chicken course on-line...Chicken Behavior and Welfare. Gonna gowatch a few videos and read an article!!
Sending love and hugs...
Clare
Quick check-in just to note what I have been thinking about...maybe it will lead to further, deeper rumination.
Thinking about self-empowerment, about understanding that I am enough, and that I deserve...
Then thinking about the martyr/victim role. It seems to be that if you never walk through the swamp, self-empowerment simply feeds being victim. Self-empowerment becomes a way to avoid taking responsibility. But once you have walked through the swamp, passed back through the pain, know what happened to you...then the hard part, to see what you have done to others while reacting to your pain...and understand and accept responsibility, there is more of a balance.
Once you accept responsibility, you are no longer victim but co-creator. Once you understand responsibility, awareness spreads throughout your being, and your self-empowerment is different...balanced...fair to the others in your life.
I am taking a chicken course on-line...Chicken Behavior and Welfare. Gonna gowatch a few videos and read an article!!
Sending love and hugs...
Clare
Monday, December 12, 2016
Kinda
Hi Maggie...
I got the next step...I got it from thinking back to Christ, to Gandhi, to King...it is submission but without obedience. I got stuck in passive and forgot about resistance.
We made Christmas cookies last weekend. I had my two younger, local grandkids. We made dog bone shaped gingerbread cutouts. And the kids really, really decorated them.
My youngest started taking pieces of dough and making teensy pancakes which she was layering and smooshing. She said she was making a cookie for her west coast uncle. So I got her a pie pan and let her create. She ended up with a fairly good sized lump. We baked it and then she covered it in frosting, and then piled on as much candy as she could. She was very proud in the end. It is all wrapped up special for her uncle now.
Do I have the spirit? Kinda. Maybe...maybe...
I am having fun trying to create a menu for Christmas Eve. I love trying out new recipes.
I got a subscription to Mother Earth News for Christmas. I am inspired. I am going to get chicks next spring...maybe for my birthday! And I want to get my garden back under control. I lost it when we had the baby. She is not even mine, but she has kept me very busy. Now, maybe she can help. If not, she is old enough to be outside without my having to watch her every moment.
I remember being 20, reading that magazine, and wanting that life. That yearning is still inside me. I want to be self-sufficient.
Never too old!!
Lots going on, but not too much to share...
Hope your home is calm and happy!!
Love and hugs from Clare
I got the next step...I got it from thinking back to Christ, to Gandhi, to King...it is submission but without obedience. I got stuck in passive and forgot about resistance.
We made Christmas cookies last weekend. I had my two younger, local grandkids. We made dog bone shaped gingerbread cutouts. And the kids really, really decorated them.
My youngest started taking pieces of dough and making teensy pancakes which she was layering and smooshing. She said she was making a cookie for her west coast uncle. So I got her a pie pan and let her create. She ended up with a fairly good sized lump. We baked it and then she covered it in frosting, and then piled on as much candy as she could. She was very proud in the end. It is all wrapped up special for her uncle now.
Do I have the spirit? Kinda. Maybe...maybe...
I am having fun trying to create a menu for Christmas Eve. I love trying out new recipes.
I got a subscription to Mother Earth News for Christmas. I am inspired. I am going to get chicks next spring...maybe for my birthday! And I want to get my garden back under control. I lost it when we had the baby. She is not even mine, but she has kept me very busy. Now, maybe she can help. If not, she is old enough to be outside without my having to watch her every moment.
I remember being 20, reading that magazine, and wanting that life. That yearning is still inside me. I want to be self-sufficient.
Never too old!!
Lots going on, but not too much to share...
Hope your home is calm and happy!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, December 9, 2016
Perfect?
Hi Mags,
Yep, it's just one of those days. My kids seemed even, now...not so even. I think we all go into drama at Christmastime. We expect Christmas to be perfect, but it never is. I don't think a perfect Christmas exists, nor should it. You know this is probably from the primitive brain that believes everything we see on TV. There are visions of perfectly decorated homes, lots of gifts, perfect clothes on impossibly thin model bodies, gourmet meals, gorgeous neighbors, perfect children...even the dog is well-behaved.
In truth, we get stretched budgets, and the same old house and the same old jeans, and begging dogs and kids who think farting is funny...
Besides what I did with S#3, I haven't done anything to get ready for Christmas. I don't really care. Someone I talked to today told me she believes the Christmas decorations redeem/renew/release our inner childlike wonder at this time of year. She encouraged me to decorate, saying the feelings might follow.
I think I am back to my annual what does Christmas really mean? What does it mean to me? funk.
I like to think we are celebrating the light, just as all people do at the darkest time of year.
But I think I would rather sleep. Maybe I am part bear. Which side of the family do you think that comes from?
I have been intrigued by what is happening at Standing Rock. Unarmed people who cherish this planet and each other are standing up to Christian institutions who will destroy the planet if left unwatched and untended.
I am really wondering if nonviolent passive resistance - absolute submission to the pain and power - is the message of the season. Striking back in violence justifies their retaliation. But looking at them, seeing them, reminding them they are also human, while they are using violence hits their hearts a little. Some of them, at least, stop and think about what they are doing, who they are being.
I am glad you are back to grieving the latest shipment of shit that has unloaded in your consciousness. It means you cleaned up the last delivery and are ready for more. You are making progress.
I don't think you have failed your foster son. You have not rejected him. You just changed the game, while maintaining the rules. He knows you are still there.
My young cat slipped out maybe Sunday or Monday. I have spent most of the week looking for her. Last night she came to me, so she is in and warm and purring a lot. I think that mini-drama helped me make peace with the absence of Emily. It has been over a week now, and I am no longer looking for her in the morning. I am used to the new balance in our pack.
So, do I decorate tomorrow? I do want to make cookies for the grandkids out west. Will that make it feel Christmassy??
I love you and miss you...
Hugs from Clare
Yep, it's just one of those days. My kids seemed even, now...not so even. I think we all go into drama at Christmastime. We expect Christmas to be perfect, but it never is. I don't think a perfect Christmas exists, nor should it. You know this is probably from the primitive brain that believes everything we see on TV. There are visions of perfectly decorated homes, lots of gifts, perfect clothes on impossibly thin model bodies, gourmet meals, gorgeous neighbors, perfect children...even the dog is well-behaved.
In truth, we get stretched budgets, and the same old house and the same old jeans, and begging dogs and kids who think farting is funny...
Besides what I did with S#3, I haven't done anything to get ready for Christmas. I don't really care. Someone I talked to today told me she believes the Christmas decorations redeem/renew/release our inner childlike wonder at this time of year. She encouraged me to decorate, saying the feelings might follow.
I think I am back to my annual what does Christmas really mean? What does it mean to me? funk.
I like to think we are celebrating the light, just as all people do at the darkest time of year.
But I think I would rather sleep. Maybe I am part bear. Which side of the family do you think that comes from?
I have been intrigued by what is happening at Standing Rock. Unarmed people who cherish this planet and each other are standing up to Christian institutions who will destroy the planet if left unwatched and untended.
I am really wondering if nonviolent passive resistance - absolute submission to the pain and power - is the message of the season. Striking back in violence justifies their retaliation. But looking at them, seeing them, reminding them they are also human, while they are using violence hits their hearts a little. Some of them, at least, stop and think about what they are doing, who they are being.
I am glad you are back to grieving the latest shipment of shit that has unloaded in your consciousness. It means you cleaned up the last delivery and are ready for more. You are making progress.
I don't think you have failed your foster son. You have not rejected him. You just changed the game, while maintaining the rules. He knows you are still there.
My young cat slipped out maybe Sunday or Monday. I have spent most of the week looking for her. Last night she came to me, so she is in and warm and purring a lot. I think that mini-drama helped me make peace with the absence of Emily. It has been over a week now, and I am no longer looking for her in the morning. I am used to the new balance in our pack.
So, do I decorate tomorrow? I do want to make cookies for the grandkids out west. Will that make it feel Christmassy??
I love you and miss you...
Hugs from Clare
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Joy and happiness
Clare,
The last post was a lot of questions...
I had a barium swallow this morning...
trying to see why I am still wheezing daily...
minimal reflux.
Now I have cramping through my abdomen as the barium moves through.
I then spent 2 hours with my reiki healer.
My life is kind of a mess.
I'm back into grieving all the lost parts of my life...
or, more accurately, trying not to grieve those lost parts...
so everything is coming out in symptoms...
wheezing and coughing...
fatigue...
uncertainty about my abilities...
and so on.
She wants me to begin to say "I am enough" and "I will learn my lessons through joy and happiness".
I am willing to try that. I may even get it tattooed on my wrist to remind myself.
We talked about my young man. She didn't have much specific insight. She didn't tell me I'm damned for failing. I was secretly dreading hearing something about a karmic curse on my head for failing such an important contract...
it sounds ridiculous to write that...but it's true.
I do feel as if he is still part of my life and I a part of his. I think it was very important to create a boundary and consequence for not respecting that boundary. We've been through all of this before.
The brand of essiac tonic I purchased was recommended by a naturopathic physician who is a friend of mine. I trust her. They got the CBD oil- hopefully it makes a difference. At least they can away they are doing something...I believe mama needs to be able to say that to the world.
I spent over an hour at a clothing store today- trying to use gift cards purchased from a friend to help with her son's catholic school tuition. It's a long story, but they scanned them ($75 worth) and then voided the transaction. When they tried to re-enter the cards they read as zero balance. I stood at the register, watching the manager on hold trying to figure it out...and when I had to leave to make a meeting she told me there is nothing she can do. So I ended up leaving with no merchandise and 3 blank gift cards. I was so frustrated...not even knowing who to be frustrated with. I'm supposed to go back when I have the time for them to call corporate and figure it out...I'm not sure how many hours that will take! Anyway...one of those days
Joy and happiness...I am enough.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The last post was a lot of questions...
I had a barium swallow this morning...
trying to see why I am still wheezing daily...
minimal reflux.
Now I have cramping through my abdomen as the barium moves through.
I then spent 2 hours with my reiki healer.
My life is kind of a mess.
I'm back into grieving all the lost parts of my life...
or, more accurately, trying not to grieve those lost parts...
so everything is coming out in symptoms...
wheezing and coughing...
fatigue...
uncertainty about my abilities...
and so on.
She wants me to begin to say "I am enough" and "I will learn my lessons through joy and happiness".
I am willing to try that. I may even get it tattooed on my wrist to remind myself.
We talked about my young man. She didn't have much specific insight. She didn't tell me I'm damned for failing. I was secretly dreading hearing something about a karmic curse on my head for failing such an important contract...
it sounds ridiculous to write that...but it's true.
I do feel as if he is still part of my life and I a part of his. I think it was very important to create a boundary and consequence for not respecting that boundary. We've been through all of this before.
The brand of essiac tonic I purchased was recommended by a naturopathic physician who is a friend of mine. I trust her. They got the CBD oil- hopefully it makes a difference. At least they can away they are doing something...I believe mama needs to be able to say that to the world.
I spent over an hour at a clothing store today- trying to use gift cards purchased from a friend to help with her son's catholic school tuition. It's a long story, but they scanned them ($75 worth) and then voided the transaction. When they tried to re-enter the cards they read as zero balance. I stood at the register, watching the manager on hold trying to figure it out...and when I had to leave to make a meeting she told me there is nothing she can do. So I ended up leaving with no merchandise and 3 blank gift cards. I was so frustrated...not even knowing who to be frustrated with. I'm supposed to go back when I have the time for them to call corporate and figure it out...I'm not sure how many hours that will take! Anyway...one of those days
Joy and happiness...I am enough.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Friday, December 2, 2016
How do we bear...
Hi Maggie,
Thanks for the sympathy. Things feel sort of quiet and empty today. I have looked for Em a few times. But it is all feeling softer.
I was thinking about lessons. I was thinking about my relationship with Emmy which was so different from my other dogs. The others, the border, the husky, the spaniel, especially, they all came to us as puppies. They were always part of the family. Their particular eccentricities were part of the normal weave of each day. They loved us with big doggy emotion, wide open hearts, joy of connection. The border knew she slept next to my stomach. Every night she would wait until I was settled, then she would jump up and stretch out along my stomach and relax. She was confident that this was her place. She knew she was welcome. She knew home.
Emmy never bonded like that. She would wait until things were quiet, then, maybe, jump up on the bed, and curl up in a polite little ball down in the corner. When she got sick, I saw her looking at the bed and I got up and lifted her onto the mattress. After that, she asked. And her last night, rather than curling up, she stretched out and slept with her nose under my neck. She had never done that before.
She never connected with full heart and confidence because...who knows completely why, but I know damned well three months on a 3 foot long leash taught her she was not worth noticing. I could see every bone in her body when she came to me. I think even dogs can illustrate what happens to heart, to trust and love, after abuse. It never glows as bright as possible...there is always question, fear, reticence.
My friend said I am a saint for taking the dog. I didn't need to think about it. Here was a dog that needed me, and I had the emotional and physical resources to stop her pain. This is not sainthood, this is common decency.
I am still feeling her loss...she was such a goofy little weirdo.
My neighbor was born with her gift. It simply bubbles out of her, as it does from many in her clan. I think she keeps it strong both by giving reads, but by respecting it and passing messages even when people think she is crazy.
Who is the friend son wants to have move in? Is he trustworthy? Is he a drug buddy? Is he going to influence your son positively, or join in narcissistic shenanigans?
And - ask your healer. Has she ever commented on your relationship with your foster son? I don't think it is done. I don't think you have failed. I think it simply transitioned. I think this is one more instance where we try to fulfill our soul contracts, and realize that the violence of our culture causes more pain than we imagined. It is unbearable...
How do we learn to bear it, besides numbing??? Strength?? Submission?? Is that a message of the Christ story? They are teaching us this lesson out at Standing Rock. I have so much respect for everyone there. If I didn't have to work, I like to think I would be brave enough to go...
Oh, the safety of living paycheck-to-paycheck.
I have heard of Essiac. I know a lot of imitations are marketed under the name. I have never used it, or really recommended it. I will look for some info to share with them. I think he should use medical marijuana, or the oil of...I like imagining it.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thanks for the sympathy. Things feel sort of quiet and empty today. I have looked for Em a few times. But it is all feeling softer.
I was thinking about lessons. I was thinking about my relationship with Emmy which was so different from my other dogs. The others, the border, the husky, the spaniel, especially, they all came to us as puppies. They were always part of the family. Their particular eccentricities were part of the normal weave of each day. They loved us with big doggy emotion, wide open hearts, joy of connection. The border knew she slept next to my stomach. Every night she would wait until I was settled, then she would jump up and stretch out along my stomach and relax. She was confident that this was her place. She knew she was welcome. She knew home.
Emmy never bonded like that. She would wait until things were quiet, then, maybe, jump up on the bed, and curl up in a polite little ball down in the corner. When she got sick, I saw her looking at the bed and I got up and lifted her onto the mattress. After that, she asked. And her last night, rather than curling up, she stretched out and slept with her nose under my neck. She had never done that before.
She never connected with full heart and confidence because...who knows completely why, but I know damned well three months on a 3 foot long leash taught her she was not worth noticing. I could see every bone in her body when she came to me. I think even dogs can illustrate what happens to heart, to trust and love, after abuse. It never glows as bright as possible...there is always question, fear, reticence.
My friend said I am a saint for taking the dog. I didn't need to think about it. Here was a dog that needed me, and I had the emotional and physical resources to stop her pain. This is not sainthood, this is common decency.
I am still feeling her loss...she was such a goofy little weirdo.
My neighbor was born with her gift. It simply bubbles out of her, as it does from many in her clan. I think she keeps it strong both by giving reads, but by respecting it and passing messages even when people think she is crazy.
Who is the friend son wants to have move in? Is he trustworthy? Is he a drug buddy? Is he going to influence your son positively, or join in narcissistic shenanigans?
And - ask your healer. Has she ever commented on your relationship with your foster son? I don't think it is done. I don't think you have failed. I think it simply transitioned. I think this is one more instance where we try to fulfill our soul contracts, and realize that the violence of our culture causes more pain than we imagined. It is unbearable...
How do we learn to bear it, besides numbing??? Strength?? Submission?? Is that a message of the Christ story? They are teaching us this lesson out at Standing Rock. I have so much respect for everyone there. If I didn't have to work, I like to think I would be brave enough to go...
Oh, the safety of living paycheck-to-paycheck.
I have heard of Essiac. I know a lot of imitations are marketed under the name. I have never used it, or really recommended it. I will look for some info to share with them. I think he should use medical marijuana, or the oil of...I like imagining it.
Love and hugs from Clare
condolences
Clare,
You are moving me to tears. I am so attached to my animals- everyone of them is family. I actually trust animals more than I trust humans. If they attack me it is out of survival- not spite.
I am very sorry for your loss. I still feel the loss of my doodle in July. I still miss her being at the door every day when I return…
or looking me in the eye when she wanted to come along…
I feel very sad for you…
but thankful that the physical pain is over.
And you are so close to the veil between worlds…
sit in that space for a bit and just feel.
It is a very special time…
if you allow yourself to sit there.
I've never understood how people can have an animal and not consider it a part of their family. I do not understand why people take on the responsibility and then ignore it. Holding that in the Light.
My youngest just came home - late as usual. His best friend's great-aunt died. He lived with her and his mom. From interactions with his mom I think she is a meth addict. My sons sled if his friend could stay here with us. We did similar things for 2 of my older son's friends…
it worked out well.
I have to think long and hard about this.
Husband will give it an automatic NO…
we just lived through the foster son experience…
it's too much!
I don't know…
I'm touched that my son would ask…
her trusts me enough to ask.
Guidance is needed.
He is a narcissist…but he's my narcissist.
I went to a 'developing your psychic abilities' class last evening with my reiki healer. I, and the others, were not very good at being 'psychic' on demand…
My goal though isn't to do a 'dog and pony show' but to trust the guidance I'm being offered. To not fear outcomes I cannot predict or understand. I want to be open to step forward when way opens. I also asked for protection from others' negative energy. I soak that shit up like a sponge.
So I am learning to work with my abilities…
to train my 'psychic muscles' as the healer described. Have you ever asked your neighbor how she developed her talents and gifts? I'm just curious.
Last week Mama Delana called me to talk about Essiac …
he brother recommended it for Papa. I picked some up at my local store run by a naturopathic doctor and she suggested also using CBD oil. Essiac twice a day on an empty stomach and CBD under the tongue once a day. What do you know or think about that?
I'm going to send it down to them…perhaps you should offer some insight for them.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
You are moving me to tears. I am so attached to my animals- everyone of them is family. I actually trust animals more than I trust humans. If they attack me it is out of survival- not spite.
I am very sorry for your loss. I still feel the loss of my doodle in July. I still miss her being at the door every day when I return…
or looking me in the eye when she wanted to come along…
I feel very sad for you…
but thankful that the physical pain is over.
And you are so close to the veil between worlds…
sit in that space for a bit and just feel.
It is a very special time…
if you allow yourself to sit there.
I've never understood how people can have an animal and not consider it a part of their family. I do not understand why people take on the responsibility and then ignore it. Holding that in the Light.
My youngest just came home - late as usual. His best friend's great-aunt died. He lived with her and his mom. From interactions with his mom I think she is a meth addict. My sons sled if his friend could stay here with us. We did similar things for 2 of my older son's friends…
it worked out well.
I have to think long and hard about this.
Husband will give it an automatic NO…
we just lived through the foster son experience…
it's too much!
I don't know…
I'm touched that my son would ask…
her trusts me enough to ask.
Guidance is needed.
He is a narcissist…but he's my narcissist.
I went to a 'developing your psychic abilities' class last evening with my reiki healer. I, and the others, were not very good at being 'psychic' on demand…
My goal though isn't to do a 'dog and pony show' but to trust the guidance I'm being offered. To not fear outcomes I cannot predict or understand. I want to be open to step forward when way opens. I also asked for protection from others' negative energy. I soak that shit up like a sponge.
So I am learning to work with my abilities…
to train my 'psychic muscles' as the healer described. Have you ever asked your neighbor how she developed her talents and gifts? I'm just curious.
Last week Mama Delana called me to talk about Essiac …
he brother recommended it for Papa. I picked some up at my local store run by a naturopathic doctor and she suggested also using CBD oil. Essiac twice a day on an empty stomach and CBD under the tongue once a day. What do you know or think about that?
I'm going to send it down to them…perhaps you should offer some insight for them.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Emmy is gone...
Hi Maggie,
My old dog has passed. I had to make the choice that today was the day, and follow through. I did not like shouldering that responsibility. But I am telling myself that I loved her enough to do it. She has been getting a bit weaker each day. This morning she could no longer use her hips, or her back legs. She would not eat or drink. She started crying a few times.
I sent a note to my close friend who brought her here. She promised to keep up with all the vetting if I took the dog. She has been so true to her word. When I sent the first note, I cried. When she responded with an appointment time after a few exchanges, I cried again. My goal for the day was not to cry during work. I did not succeed.
Luckily I cried while talking to a man I have been working with for so many years. He heard her whine, asked what that was. I said my dog was dying. I asked him to hold while I took her to nephew. I talked about what was happening, then he told me a long bittersweet story about a rescued horse named Chandler Bing. It helped...especially since there is a happy ending.
I took a quick shower the minute I was done with work. I was standing in the water, and I remembered that the family before me had left her outside on a three foot leash for the whole summer. She was afraid of thunder and lightning...how could they do that to her...??? More tears.
She was almost 11 when I got her...three years ago. She was skinny, afraid, nervous,unable to look at anyone's face...her head was always down. She was never normal, not connected like a dog one raises from a puppy would be. But when she started ripping through the screen in my bedroom window because I was out front, I knew she noticed me, wanted my company.
When someone we love dies, we can feel the rip of their spirit from ours.
She was a good dog. She died with such grace. She is buried out back with the other dogs, she is one of us even in death.
I'm probably gong to cry for a little while longer...
Love and hugs from Clare
My old dog has passed. I had to make the choice that today was the day, and follow through. I did not like shouldering that responsibility. But I am telling myself that I loved her enough to do it. She has been getting a bit weaker each day. This morning she could no longer use her hips, or her back legs. She would not eat or drink. She started crying a few times.
I sent a note to my close friend who brought her here. She promised to keep up with all the vetting if I took the dog. She has been so true to her word. When I sent the first note, I cried. When she responded with an appointment time after a few exchanges, I cried again. My goal for the day was not to cry during work. I did not succeed.
Luckily I cried while talking to a man I have been working with for so many years. He heard her whine, asked what that was. I said my dog was dying. I asked him to hold while I took her to nephew. I talked about what was happening, then he told me a long bittersweet story about a rescued horse named Chandler Bing. It helped...especially since there is a happy ending.
I took a quick shower the minute I was done with work. I was standing in the water, and I remembered that the family before me had left her outside on a three foot leash for the whole summer. She was afraid of thunder and lightning...how could they do that to her...??? More tears.
She was almost 11 when I got her...three years ago. She was skinny, afraid, nervous,unable to look at anyone's face...her head was always down. She was never normal, not connected like a dog one raises from a puppy would be. But when she started ripping through the screen in my bedroom window because I was out front, I knew she noticed me, wanted my company.
When someone we love dies, we can feel the rip of their spirit from ours.
She was a good dog. She died with such grace. She is buried out back with the other dogs, she is one of us even in death.
I'm probably gong to cry for a little while longer...
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
It's mutual...
Hi Maggie,
Kudos for honesty.
When I wrote the column about life with children for all those years, all those years ago, I wrote one where I wondered what my life would be like if I had never had children. I remember not even realizing that was in me, but I was scanning the possibilities I gave up when I decided to have babies.
Someone I was close to at that time, she had five homeschooled children also, and we used to trade off kids, she read that column and she thanked me. She said she had had similar stray thoughts but had never been brave enough to give them voice. She felt so relieved that other moms had similar thoughts.
Parenting is hard. It is the most difficult job we ever accept. And our rewards are kids who hate us. Every single one of my kids told me they hated me. Outwardly, I acknowledged that I knew they did - they could hate me. It was okay. Inwardly, I don't think I ever hated them, but I was equally frustrated with them. It was mutual.
I was wishing I was somewhere else, doing something that was - not this - as much as they were.
He got himself free of boarding school once...right?
What is the treatment for narcissism? How would you treat someone who asked you to be their counselor?
My old dog is losing control of her hips. She has also deepened into her dementia, and is not sure what she is supposed to do. Every time the back door opens, she thinks she is supposed to go out. She has begun pacing while I am working.
I am sensing that soft, spiritual feeling that comes with being with someone who is passing - who is half here and half there. I am praying that she let go painlessly, that I don't have to make a decision that she is in pain and would be better off gone.
She has been getting up every two to three hours through the night to get a drink and go out to pee. Last night, she woke me up twice by stepping on my face. For some reason the top of the bed seemed like the best place to get through.
So I am watching and waiting and trying to find ways to remind her that humans are kind, and she is loved.
Love and hugs from Clare
Kudos for honesty.
When I wrote the column about life with children for all those years, all those years ago, I wrote one where I wondered what my life would be like if I had never had children. I remember not even realizing that was in me, but I was scanning the possibilities I gave up when I decided to have babies.
Someone I was close to at that time, she had five homeschooled children also, and we used to trade off kids, she read that column and she thanked me. She said she had had similar stray thoughts but had never been brave enough to give them voice. She felt so relieved that other moms had similar thoughts.
Parenting is hard. It is the most difficult job we ever accept. And our rewards are kids who hate us. Every single one of my kids told me they hated me. Outwardly, I acknowledged that I knew they did - they could hate me. It was okay. Inwardly, I don't think I ever hated them, but I was equally frustrated with them. It was mutual.
I was wishing I was somewhere else, doing something that was - not this - as much as they were.
He got himself free of boarding school once...right?
What is the treatment for narcissism? How would you treat someone who asked you to be their counselor?
My old dog is losing control of her hips. She has also deepened into her dementia, and is not sure what she is supposed to do. Every time the back door opens, she thinks she is supposed to go out. She has begun pacing while I am working.
I am sensing that soft, spiritual feeling that comes with being with someone who is passing - who is half here and half there. I am praying that she let go painlessly, that I don't have to make a decision that she is in pain and would be better off gone.
She has been getting up every two to three hours through the night to get a drink and go out to pee. Last night, she woke me up twice by stepping on my face. For some reason the top of the bed seemed like the best place to get through.
So I am watching and waiting and trying to find ways to remind her that humans are kind, and she is loved.
Love and hugs from Clare
narcissist
Clare,
I think you are right…
if you forgive 70 x 7 times you will be the Light…
shining brightly.
I am trying to concisely describe what is going on with my youngest.
If I hadn't raised him I would swear he was an abused child.
He is a narcissist:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
He cares only about self-preservations and gratification. He struggles with any criticism- adopts a "they're against me" attitude towards anyone that attempts to steer him or discipline him. This is true of teachers, coaches, and husband and I. He is incredibly strong physically and has an impulsive temper. He breaks things out of anger and then does not see any benefit in paying for damages. He panics when he's grounded…and exponentially increases the discipline because he breaks rules just to piss us off. The one, saving grace is that he has a wonderful heart- if he lets it be seen.
He's been breaking rules and telling lies- that he spins as truth- and doesn't think it fair that we are restricting his use of a car. We gave him "one last chance" on Sunday night and last evening he came home 45 minutes late- but it wasn't his fault, his friend was hungry. I would not let him stay home from school today so he made me late for an appointment and then called me a little over an hour later- asking to be picked up because he is sick…he is not. In less than one year he's had 2 accidents and received 2 speeding tickets- everyone else's fault of course
I've had it with being manipulated and abused by this kid. I am seriously considering boarding school to finish out his senior year. I don't even care about success at this point- I just want a break. I'm not sure I can make it to 25….
I love him, but I don't want to live with him anymore.
I'm a terrible momma, right?
I haven't thrown him into the streets yet.
I guess that's one point for me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think you are right…
if you forgive 70 x 7 times you will be the Light…
shining brightly.
I am trying to concisely describe what is going on with my youngest.
If I hadn't raised him I would swear he was an abused child.
He is a narcissist:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
He cares only about self-preservations and gratification. He struggles with any criticism- adopts a "they're against me" attitude towards anyone that attempts to steer him or discipline him. This is true of teachers, coaches, and husband and I. He is incredibly strong physically and has an impulsive temper. He breaks things out of anger and then does not see any benefit in paying for damages. He panics when he's grounded…and exponentially increases the discipline because he breaks rules just to piss us off. The one, saving grace is that he has a wonderful heart- if he lets it be seen.
He's been breaking rules and telling lies- that he spins as truth- and doesn't think it fair that we are restricting his use of a car. We gave him "one last chance" on Sunday night and last evening he came home 45 minutes late- but it wasn't his fault, his friend was hungry. I would not let him stay home from school today so he made me late for an appointment and then called me a little over an hour later- asking to be picked up because he is sick…he is not. In less than one year he's had 2 accidents and received 2 speeding tickets- everyone else's fault of course
I've had it with being manipulated and abused by this kid. I am seriously considering boarding school to finish out his senior year. I don't even care about success at this point- I just want a break. I'm not sure I can make it to 25….
I love him, but I don't want to live with him anymore.
I'm a terrible momma, right?
I haven't thrown him into the streets yet.
I guess that's one point for me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, November 28, 2016
Forgiving
Hi Maggie,
It was good to hear you on Thanksgiving, too. I made a couple of remarks, no one heard me, so I listened...I was not sure who I was listening to some of the time...but it was nice to hear how much we sound alike.
I am glad you had time with your foster son. And it is awesome that you recognized crisis point and averted a problem. Is he happy where he is? How is the younger brother doing?
It would be interesting if he got insight from your kids. I wonder what that would do to his perception. Too often the stories we tell ourselves are totally self-centered.
How many times do we forgive? As many as it takes, I think...except we don't keep doing the same thing over and over. That stretches back to the definition of insanity. If someone beats you, you don't forgive them. You forgive them, and let them stay near if they get some counseling, if something changes. Or you forgive them and put space between the two of you so you don't get beaten again.
I think forgiveness may be transformative. You forgive and you become something new, something aware, something wiser...Or else it is not truly forgiveness. It is really: I will allow you to behave badly because I am terrified of being alone.
By the time you have truly forgiven 70 x 7 times, you will be Light, baby!!
I still don't know what the latest crisis with your son is. I do understand. I prayed long and hard for my youngest son - Please get him to 25. I have harped a little on Best Friend From College's research...25 is the age when a biochemical change occurs in the brain, and with that comes the onset of adult thinking.
I am getting the fever and congestion crud my granddaughter has been sharing. Her mama is in rough shape too, especially with her congested sinuses. I have always identified myself as being very healthy. Is this part of aging? Getting sick more often?
LOng day, still catching up on dishes from the weekend!!
Love and hugs from Clare
It was good to hear you on Thanksgiving, too. I made a couple of remarks, no one heard me, so I listened...I was not sure who I was listening to some of the time...but it was nice to hear how much we sound alike.
I am glad you had time with your foster son. And it is awesome that you recognized crisis point and averted a problem. Is he happy where he is? How is the younger brother doing?
It would be interesting if he got insight from your kids. I wonder what that would do to his perception. Too often the stories we tell ourselves are totally self-centered.
How many times do we forgive? As many as it takes, I think...except we don't keep doing the same thing over and over. That stretches back to the definition of insanity. If someone beats you, you don't forgive them. You forgive them, and let them stay near if they get some counseling, if something changes. Or you forgive them and put space between the two of you so you don't get beaten again.
I think forgiveness may be transformative. You forgive and you become something new, something aware, something wiser...Or else it is not truly forgiveness. It is really: I will allow you to behave badly because I am terrified of being alone.
By the time you have truly forgiven 70 x 7 times, you will be Light, baby!!
I still don't know what the latest crisis with your son is. I do understand. I prayed long and hard for my youngest son - Please get him to 25. I have harped a little on Best Friend From College's research...25 is the age when a biochemical change occurs in the brain, and with that comes the onset of adult thinking.
I am getting the fever and congestion crud my granddaughter has been sharing. Her mama is in rough shape too, especially with her congested sinuses. I have always identified myself as being very healthy. Is this part of aging? Getting sick more often?
LOng day, still catching up on dishes from the weekend!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, November 27, 2016
a very busy week- thanks
Clare,
I've been running for days…
I'm sorry that I've neglected our space.
It was good to hear your voice on Thursday…
I found that group call to be very confusing.
Thanksgiving was fun, low-keyed, and very enjoyable.
My daughter#2 came up on Wednesday afternoon and we began cooking together. She is very calm and loves to chat. Her emotional being has changed so much over the past several years. She is more settled, more thoughtful, less reactive. We chatted and made chocolate mousse pie and pumpkin bread. She had to go back to her apartment in the afternoon. My oldest came home in the late afternoon and we too began to make some of the vegetable side dishes. She was a bit high strung because her friends and former high school classmates go out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving each year…she loves to fret about who she will run into.
Husband and I went to an interfaith Thanksgiving service in Berks. My responsibility, as a Quaker representative, was to hold silence. I prefaced it with a verse from Simple Gifts, shared 2 weeks before in Meeting for Worship…
'tis a gift to be patient, 'tis a gift to be kind, 'tis a gift to wait to hear another's mind.
From deep within the silence, comes forth truth, 'tis a gift for me, 'tis a gift for you…
I wasn't sure about the third line- so I may have made that up…
but it worked well for the purpose.
My older boy showed up late on Wednesday night- having to work until 10:30…
and the younger stayed at friends' house(s) and came home in the morning. Of course he needed a ride as I was in the middle of some dish I was preparing. He is driving me crazy…he wants to make amends and have a 'clean slate'- unfortunately he may be expelled this week from school, may lose his driver's license, and was late again last night despite being given 'another chance'. I will be very happy when that one is an adult. I love him, but he is so very trying of my patience and good judgement.
Thursday was fun, family gathered, talking, laughing, remembering. I had one small panic moment…
I'm not even sure what initiated it.
Saturday, husband and I shopped at 4 small businesses in the area. I'm trying to buy from small businesses, preferably local ones. It was a great day. We also decorated the mantles- one with fresh greens and the other with a collection of santa claus figurines that we've collected over the years. It was good to pull them out and remember.
I had a day with the young man today- at least an afternoon with him. I picked him up and drove him to visit his grandmother and great grandmother. This was the first time I've seen him since I dropped him off at school that day in early October. It was awkward at first- understandably. He didn't want to talk much on the trip down. We spoke of many safe topics. Once we were at his family's home his grandmother was sternly talking to him. After the fact I learned that she was asking him to make amends with husband and I. She wants both boys living in our house together. I explained that the younger brother does not want to see or hear from husband and I. We cannot be a resource for him because he refuses our help. He won't be coming to live at our house because of his own choices. The older brother has to reach out to all of our children and create relationship or at least ask for another chance. He told me today he is reluctant to contact anyone, except maybe the youngest. Unfortunately the youngest's phone is out of order so that will be difficult. I encouraged him to move out of his comfort zone and connect…
rejection is possible...
rejection is certain to continue if he does nothing.
I was very honest about my views with him- his rejection of relationship is going to be with him for many years to come. The only way to change the outcome is to open himself to someone along the way.
Trust.
Vulnerability.
Excruciatingly difficult.
Incredibly necessary.
I told him I'd take him to visit again before Christmas.
He did tell me that he was planning on running away around the time that I had him moved to another home. He said he knows he would be in a much different place right now if I hadn't acted. It was good to hear that my instincts were on target.
How many times do we forgive?
70 x 7…
isn't that what the bible says.
I'm not very biblical, but I do think that forgiveness is a longterm process.
Forgiveness starts with the decision to consider the other…
a tough place to start.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I've been running for days…
I'm sorry that I've neglected our space.
It was good to hear your voice on Thursday…
I found that group call to be very confusing.
Thanksgiving was fun, low-keyed, and very enjoyable.
My daughter#2 came up on Wednesday afternoon and we began cooking together. She is very calm and loves to chat. Her emotional being has changed so much over the past several years. She is more settled, more thoughtful, less reactive. We chatted and made chocolate mousse pie and pumpkin bread. She had to go back to her apartment in the afternoon. My oldest came home in the late afternoon and we too began to make some of the vegetable side dishes. She was a bit high strung because her friends and former high school classmates go out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving each year…she loves to fret about who she will run into.
Husband and I went to an interfaith Thanksgiving service in Berks. My responsibility, as a Quaker representative, was to hold silence. I prefaced it with a verse from Simple Gifts, shared 2 weeks before in Meeting for Worship…
'tis a gift to be patient, 'tis a gift to be kind, 'tis a gift to wait to hear another's mind.
From deep within the silence, comes forth truth, 'tis a gift for me, 'tis a gift for you…
I wasn't sure about the third line- so I may have made that up…
but it worked well for the purpose.
My older boy showed up late on Wednesday night- having to work until 10:30…
and the younger stayed at friends' house(s) and came home in the morning. Of course he needed a ride as I was in the middle of some dish I was preparing. He is driving me crazy…he wants to make amends and have a 'clean slate'- unfortunately he may be expelled this week from school, may lose his driver's license, and was late again last night despite being given 'another chance'. I will be very happy when that one is an adult. I love him, but he is so very trying of my patience and good judgement.
Thursday was fun, family gathered, talking, laughing, remembering. I had one small panic moment…
I'm not even sure what initiated it.
Saturday, husband and I shopped at 4 small businesses in the area. I'm trying to buy from small businesses, preferably local ones. It was a great day. We also decorated the mantles- one with fresh greens and the other with a collection of santa claus figurines that we've collected over the years. It was good to pull them out and remember.
I had a day with the young man today- at least an afternoon with him. I picked him up and drove him to visit his grandmother and great grandmother. This was the first time I've seen him since I dropped him off at school that day in early October. It was awkward at first- understandably. He didn't want to talk much on the trip down. We spoke of many safe topics. Once we were at his family's home his grandmother was sternly talking to him. After the fact I learned that she was asking him to make amends with husband and I. She wants both boys living in our house together. I explained that the younger brother does not want to see or hear from husband and I. We cannot be a resource for him because he refuses our help. He won't be coming to live at our house because of his own choices. The older brother has to reach out to all of our children and create relationship or at least ask for another chance. He told me today he is reluctant to contact anyone, except maybe the youngest. Unfortunately the youngest's phone is out of order so that will be difficult. I encouraged him to move out of his comfort zone and connect…
rejection is possible...
rejection is certain to continue if he does nothing.
I was very honest about my views with him- his rejection of relationship is going to be with him for many years to come. The only way to change the outcome is to open himself to someone along the way.
Trust.
Vulnerability.
Excruciatingly difficult.
Incredibly necessary.
I told him I'd take him to visit again before Christmas.
He did tell me that he was planning on running away around the time that I had him moved to another home. He said he knows he would be in a much different place right now if I hadn't acted. It was good to hear that my instincts were on target.
How many times do we forgive?
70 x 7…
isn't that what the bible says.
I'm not very biblical, but I do think that forgiveness is a longterm process.
Forgiveness starts with the decision to consider the other…
a tough place to start.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
cliche
Hi Sister#2,
S#3 just left a few minutes ago, and I am sitting in the quiet. We had our annual week-end long Christmas craft fest, this year starring - viruses. My youngest grandchild had a fever, a cough and general snottiness. My oldest grandchild had vomiting and a fever - at her other grandma's. So we mostly didn't have all seven combined grandchildren. But for a few hours - we did.
As usual, I am a little worried about S#3. She is overwhelmed by those kids. She fell asleep for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, and I kept everyone quiet for a few hours so she could sleep as long as she needed. Nephew took her grandkids for a walk to help. Her mood was so improved. I think she needs more breaks.
We did our annual cookie decorating extravaganza. Her youngest granddaughter has the absolutely uncanny ability to get more candy on one small star cookie than seems humanly possible. Her creations each weighed about a pound!!
Last night after we had cleaned up the day's mess, we sat down to watch a Hallmark Christmas special, which S#3 loves. We watched the first half before we both admitted we were exhausted. But I could tell from the beginning what the story would be. Country girls moves to city, then finds out country people, and country life are the best. Arrogant rich men - no. Humble worker - yes.
It was so cliche.
But I started wondering if our lives are cliche. Are there only a certain number of story lines and we pick one and live our cliche lives? It is not necessarily bad. Falling in love is pretty wonderful, even if it is cliche...so is having a baby...
A friend remarried when she was just into her 50s. Newer cliche - on-line dating leads to love and marriage. She said her wedding would not be anything like anyone else's. I remembered her words as I saw her come down the open air aisle in a white gown and a veil.
Cliche. But warm and joyous.
I think the wish is Jewish...But I have heard: May you live in interesting times.
With the chaos, the opening, the Light pouring into our culture and civilization - cliche may be right out the window soon!
Loads of dishes to wash if I can pry my tired butt off this chair!
How was your holiday? Did everyone celebrate this year?
Love and hugs from Clare
S#3 just left a few minutes ago, and I am sitting in the quiet. We had our annual week-end long Christmas craft fest, this year starring - viruses. My youngest grandchild had a fever, a cough and general snottiness. My oldest grandchild had vomiting and a fever - at her other grandma's. So we mostly didn't have all seven combined grandchildren. But for a few hours - we did.
As usual, I am a little worried about S#3. She is overwhelmed by those kids. She fell asleep for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, and I kept everyone quiet for a few hours so she could sleep as long as she needed. Nephew took her grandkids for a walk to help. Her mood was so improved. I think she needs more breaks.
We did our annual cookie decorating extravaganza. Her youngest granddaughter has the absolutely uncanny ability to get more candy on one small star cookie than seems humanly possible. Her creations each weighed about a pound!!
Last night after we had cleaned up the day's mess, we sat down to watch a Hallmark Christmas special, which S#3 loves. We watched the first half before we both admitted we were exhausted. But I could tell from the beginning what the story would be. Country girls moves to city, then finds out country people, and country life are the best. Arrogant rich men - no. Humble worker - yes.
It was so cliche.
But I started wondering if our lives are cliche. Are there only a certain number of story lines and we pick one and live our cliche lives? It is not necessarily bad. Falling in love is pretty wonderful, even if it is cliche...so is having a baby...
A friend remarried when she was just into her 50s. Newer cliche - on-line dating leads to love and marriage. She said her wedding would not be anything like anyone else's. I remembered her words as I saw her come down the open air aisle in a white gown and a veil.
Cliche. But warm and joyous.
I think the wish is Jewish...But I have heard: May you live in interesting times.
With the chaos, the opening, the Light pouring into our culture and civilization - cliche may be right out the window soon!
Loads of dishes to wash if I can pry my tired butt off this chair!
How was your holiday? Did everyone celebrate this year?
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Happy Thanksgiving
Hi Sister...Happy Thanksgiving!!
We had a sweet day. There were just four of us here. My oldest, Nephew, my ex, and me. I played with recipes since there were not going to be any young eaters to complain.
I made rye bread of course. I think the recipe came from Grandma's mother, but I remember Grammy making it too. Either they had similar recipes, or one got the recipe from the other. Nonetheless, rye bread means holidays and traditions and granny-love.
My sons all make the bread now. My daughters are not terribly interested!
I made so much food, we never even got to the salad. And we shared two tiny slivers of the pumpkin flan I made for dessert...and the dogs each got some too. Everyone was full.
I wish we would have been a little more French, but I let preparations rush up on me. We started with sweet potato chowder, but the rest of the food was on the table, so we didn't really pause before we moved on.
Next time, pause. Talk. Enjoy the day.
After dinner we plays Cards Against Humanity. We have been playing this game on Christmas Eve for the past few years - after the kids go home. We laugh a lot. And sometimes we shock each other.
Tomorrow S#3 and her gang will arrive and we will have three days of chaos resulting in over-candied gingerbread cookies, and lots of lovely decorations.
I like it because it has become tradition. We need tradition.
How was your day?
Hoping you shared lots of love.
Love and hugs from Clare
We had a sweet day. There were just four of us here. My oldest, Nephew, my ex, and me. I played with recipes since there were not going to be any young eaters to complain.
I made rye bread of course. I think the recipe came from Grandma's mother, but I remember Grammy making it too. Either they had similar recipes, or one got the recipe from the other. Nonetheless, rye bread means holidays and traditions and granny-love.
My sons all make the bread now. My daughters are not terribly interested!
I made so much food, we never even got to the salad. And we shared two tiny slivers of the pumpkin flan I made for dessert...and the dogs each got some too. Everyone was full.
I wish we would have been a little more French, but I let preparations rush up on me. We started with sweet potato chowder, but the rest of the food was on the table, so we didn't really pause before we moved on.
Next time, pause. Talk. Enjoy the day.
After dinner we plays Cards Against Humanity. We have been playing this game on Christmas Eve for the past few years - after the kids go home. We laugh a lot. And sometimes we shock each other.
Tomorrow S#3 and her gang will arrive and we will have three days of chaos resulting in over-candied gingerbread cookies, and lots of lovely decorations.
I like it because it has become tradition. We need tradition.
How was your day?
Hoping you shared lots of love.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
still thinking
Hi Maggie,
My first night alone, with no kids in the house, I could not sleep. I was caught in the drama of playing doctor. Now I am calmer. I have released it enough to sleep, to be normal, to not dwell on it.
So it is time to find time with the parents. Most likely it will be after Thanksgiving, after S#3 and her brood go home...
I loved what you said...about shining Light in the corners...about not creating drama.
Thank you.
I have been thinking about discharging shame by luring others into it. I am more and more certain - absolutely certain - that one must be raped to be able to rape. So in this situation, I knew someone older had taught my grandchild - by example. And we are ashamed. Sometimes I am still ashamed, yet I did nothing wrong...
It is kind of like the bullshit we absorbed in Catholic school, we learned it to our very bones - to the depths of our consciousness, that being female meant we were bad. We were temptresses and it was our fault men touched us. We were taught to be ashamed by virtue of our very existence.
And either we drown in our shame or we discharge it. But it's hard to just live with it. We squash it down in one place and it pops up somewhere else, always someplace inconvenient.
I was thinking about how easy it is to instill shame into a whole population. One sick adult molests a couple of kids, who molest a couple of kids...and it grows exponentially until we have all been molested, and think it is a normal part of childhood...
Kids will be kids.
It's just kid stuff.
I thought it was normal. A guy I dated in college and I talked about it once...all kids play doctor. He was a psych major. We don't know what it is like to grow up in a place where sexuality is safeguarded allowing us to grow into vibrant, sexually healthy adults.
From the outside, I think your boss wanted to retire, philosophically. That was until it became real. Then I think, she panicked and realized she is not ready to let go. That may be why she has reacted so strongly to you, interpreting everything/anything as a move to displace her.
Have faith. Be calm. Watch for the lesson.
Love and hugs from Clare
My first night alone, with no kids in the house, I could not sleep. I was caught in the drama of playing doctor. Now I am calmer. I have released it enough to sleep, to be normal, to not dwell on it.
So it is time to find time with the parents. Most likely it will be after Thanksgiving, after S#3 and her brood go home...
I loved what you said...about shining Light in the corners...about not creating drama.
Thank you.
I have been thinking about discharging shame by luring others into it. I am more and more certain - absolutely certain - that one must be raped to be able to rape. So in this situation, I knew someone older had taught my grandchild - by example. And we are ashamed. Sometimes I am still ashamed, yet I did nothing wrong...
It is kind of like the bullshit we absorbed in Catholic school, we learned it to our very bones - to the depths of our consciousness, that being female meant we were bad. We were temptresses and it was our fault men touched us. We were taught to be ashamed by virtue of our very existence.
And either we drown in our shame or we discharge it. But it's hard to just live with it. We squash it down in one place and it pops up somewhere else, always someplace inconvenient.
I was thinking about how easy it is to instill shame into a whole population. One sick adult molests a couple of kids, who molest a couple of kids...and it grows exponentially until we have all been molested, and think it is a normal part of childhood...
Kids will be kids.
It's just kid stuff.
I thought it was normal. A guy I dated in college and I talked about it once...all kids play doctor. He was a psych major. We don't know what it is like to grow up in a place where sexuality is safeguarded allowing us to grow into vibrant, sexually healthy adults.
From the outside, I think your boss wanted to retire, philosophically. That was until it became real. Then I think, she panicked and realized she is not ready to let go. That may be why she has reacted so strongly to you, interpreting everything/anything as a move to displace her.
Have faith. Be calm. Watch for the lesson.
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, November 21, 2016
Wow that's a lot of thoughts
Clare,
Wow, that's a lot of thoughts.
I applaud and support your intuitively asking if the older had been similarly treated. Most adults would not go there. I am not going to offer certainty in my answers.I would say continue the conversation when it opens again…with both children to hear their sense of this. I would find a time to discuss this with the parents…again letting the spirit guide your words…kind, compassionate words full of empathy. By shining Light onto the actions it takes away the 'badness'…you've made it safe total about and process. You've explained that it is not behavior that builds the other person up- it is the opposite, it diminishes them.
Don't react harshly.
Try to listen to hear their meaning and understanding of what transpired…words from the children, parents, and yourself.
This is exactly what shining the Light into dark corners means. Talking about it in a nonjudgemental way will not add to the drama. You have to check your own biases and lenses before you discuss this though- it is obviously a n emotionally charged subject. If your body physically felt pain you may be too reactive to speak. Give yourself time to figure it out.
You will handle it all right and good…
there is no perfect way.
I had an interesting lunch today. I thought my boss was going to confront me because she thinks I'm staging a coup against her leadership…I went prepared to respond without getting emotional. She sprig on the board president and myself that she thinks we're getting a big, 3 year contract so we can both work full time. I asked if she was willing to work 3 more years full time. She answered yes. What I really wanted to say was, "when did you decide you aren't ready to retire?" I'm so confused. ANyway at this point I go to a full time schedule as of Jan1. This is my first full time job since I was a resident in 1990. That's pretty funny. I still have no idea what the ____ is going on in this situation.
Life is continually challenging us.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wow, that's a lot of thoughts.
I applaud and support your intuitively asking if the older had been similarly treated. Most adults would not go there. I am not going to offer certainty in my answers.I would say continue the conversation when it opens again…with both children to hear their sense of this. I would find a time to discuss this with the parents…again letting the spirit guide your words…kind, compassionate words full of empathy. By shining Light onto the actions it takes away the 'badness'…you've made it safe total about and process. You've explained that it is not behavior that builds the other person up- it is the opposite, it diminishes them.
Don't react harshly.
Try to listen to hear their meaning and understanding of what transpired…words from the children, parents, and yourself.
This is exactly what shining the Light into dark corners means. Talking about it in a nonjudgemental way will not add to the drama. You have to check your own biases and lenses before you discuss this though- it is obviously a n emotionally charged subject. If your body physically felt pain you may be too reactive to speak. Give yourself time to figure it out.
You will handle it all right and good…
there is no perfect way.
I had an interesting lunch today. I thought my boss was going to confront me because she thinks I'm staging a coup against her leadership…I went prepared to respond without getting emotional. She sprig on the board president and myself that she thinks we're getting a big, 3 year contract so we can both work full time. I asked if she was willing to work 3 more years full time. She answered yes. What I really wanted to say was, "when did you decide you aren't ready to retire?" I'm so confused. ANyway at this point I go to a full time schedule as of Jan1. This is my first full time job since I was a resident in 1990. That's pretty funny. I still have no idea what the ____ is going on in this situation.
Life is continually challenging us.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, November 20, 2016
lots of thoughts...
Hi Maggie,
I have had some count of grandchildren here with me since Friday evening. I finally have a little quiet in my house. And I am watching it snow. I'm not always crazy about winter, but I do love to watch it snow.
I had a committee meeting here on Thursday night. A Friend gave me a safety pin to wear. I took it as a sign of good faith, to my spirit, to my soul, that I will not be paralyzed by fear. Our committee meeting ended early. People were exhausted. And people are still grieving. It made it a strange meeting. I was clerking and could not get a sense of the meeting. My co-clerk was urging us forward, moving in and trying to move me - which I accept because this is a very experienced clerk. But my co-clerk was shorter than usual. I am not always a confident clerk. But this meeting was especially confounding.
But we made it through.
Our meetinghouse is surrounded by six acres of land which has been dedicated as a nature preserve. The Friend who was the moving force behind this resigned from meeting, and since then it hasn't been kept us as it was. I had a leading that we should establish a permaculture site, for education - as we learn and establish it, then as an example once it is working.
And so I have been learning more. Our clerk asked me to write something, sort of an explanation/plan. I talked to him today and he asked me to write a little more.
I think he wanted more of an idea of what will happen. I got lost in the spirituality of it. It was fun.
I was going to reprise what I wrote, but I think I will copy and paste part of my email:
I have had some count of grandchildren here with me since Friday evening. I finally have a little quiet in my house. And I am watching it snow. I'm not always crazy about winter, but I do love to watch it snow.
I had a committee meeting here on Thursday night. A Friend gave me a safety pin to wear. I took it as a sign of good faith, to my spirit, to my soul, that I will not be paralyzed by fear. Our committee meeting ended early. People were exhausted. And people are still grieving. It made it a strange meeting. I was clerking and could not get a sense of the meeting. My co-clerk was urging us forward, moving in and trying to move me - which I accept because this is a very experienced clerk. But my co-clerk was shorter than usual. I am not always a confident clerk. But this meeting was especially confounding.
But we made it through.
Our meetinghouse is surrounded by six acres of land which has been dedicated as a nature preserve. The Friend who was the moving force behind this resigned from meeting, and since then it hasn't been kept us as it was. I had a leading that we should establish a permaculture site, for education - as we learn and establish it, then as an example once it is working.
And so I have been learning more. Our clerk asked me to write something, sort of an explanation/plan. I talked to him today and he asked me to write a little more.
I think he wanted more of an idea of what will happen. I got lost in the spirituality of it. It was fun.
I was going to reprise what I wrote, but I think I will copy and paste part of my email:
Permaculture
was named both for permanent + agriculture and permanent + culture. It
is a design system that leads us in how we interact with the world.
But it is also spiritual.
I
believe that many of the problems we have come from the patriarchal
view that we can own. We can own land and animals, we own our children.
We have to control the land, force it to produce. We have lost the
idea/ideal of stewardship, of preserving, of being part of the web
rather than enriching ourselves by grabbing as much of the web as
possible - and owning it. We have lost the idea of leaving it better
than we found it.
We
have lost our sense of belonging. I see this in so many ways in our
culture. And since we don't belong to the Earth, it doesn't bother us
to kill it.
This is spiritual. But it is also political.
I
am relieved, inspired by Pepe Mujika, by Pope Francis, and by Justin
Trudeau. We have a new generation of true leaders - just a glimmer of
Light, but it is true. These men understand that they serve the people,
they do not own the people. With Bernie Sanders, we had a chance to
join this new Light and help lead culture to a better, higher place. But
the powers that be were afraid. I think they are afraid of releasing
their wealth, and so they fearfully cling to the old ways of ownership.
They have no faith. They have redefined poverty to mean being locked
out, rather than understanding the flow of abundance. I think poverty
originally meant not having to own, having faith that what one needed
would be available.
The
pathologically greedy have stopped that flow. And they are afraid of
reestablishing it. And so we are falling backwards into fear.
So,
if the nation is unable to go forward, we do it. We become one shining
little spot where we work with nature, where we allow abundance to
occur, and where we share.
I
don't know what will happen. I don't know who is going to do all of the
work. I only believe that if we are supposed to do this, and we do it
with faithfulness, those who are supposed to work with us will appear.
And maybe some of them will find a home with us, and stay.
I have a lot of sympathy for my clerks. But they asked..
And then there's one other thing I want to hit you with. I have been a little lost in what to do...Two of my grandchildren, the 6 year old and the 3 year old were playing doctor. It got very quiet. Being an experienced mother/grandmother I knew that meant something was up. They were gone for less than 5 minutes. They were playing the kind of doctor where the younger had her pants down and the older did not. They kind of doctor where one was leaning against the door to keep the adults out.
I pushed the door open and the vulnerability of the younger hit my heart so hard. And the really weird thing is that my labia started to hurt, and ached for hours.
I told them to come out of the bathroom. I told the youngest that only her real doctor could be her doctor. That only parents and grandparents and real doctors could ask her to pull down her pants. I told her that anyone else who asked was doing something wrong. That she had to say no. She had to tell an adult who loved her.
She was pretty matter of fact. I don't know if she heard me or if she understood.
I asked the older if they noticed how much she trusted, how she did what was asked.
"Yes."
"Well, you betrayed her. She trusted you and you did something wrong to her."
Then it got a little hairy. I was staying extremely calm and matter of fact. I asked the older if anyone had ever done that to them.
Yes...Oh lord, I was shaking a little.
Who?
Head under a blanket, refusing to answer.
Yes...Oh lord, I was shaking a little.
Who?
Head under a blanket, refusing to answer.
"Do you trust me?"
"Was it an adult or a child?"
"An adult."
My mind was disintegrating. Everything hurt.
"Who?"
An older child...about 6 or 7 years older. His family is part of our social group, especially his parent's group.
"Do you know why he did it?"
"No."
"Because someone did it to him. But he was wrong. He did not have the right to touch you, to ask you to do this. Just like you did not have the right to do this to your cousin."
"When did it happen?"
"When I was 3 or 4."
"Is it still happening?"
"No."
Okay, it is over...or is it? I would lie. I lied to parents...I was ashamed. And you told me that when our former neighbors called Dad and told him what was going on in our old neighborhood, the boys lied. We all lie, because we are so very ashamed.
I have been turning and twisting in my mind. Is this a normal part of childhood? We have been led to believe it is. But I am not so sure. My grandchildren change clothes, casually, in front of each other. They have a very healthy attitude about nudity. So this wasn't like us and Mom's extreme fear of nudity. Getting changed has nothing to do with locking the adults out. That is a passing of shame down the line.
I have not told either set of parents. I think the kids understood my reaction - this was wrong. But did they? If I tell the parents, will they label the older? That is a huge fear. And if it becomes a drama, will it lead him to do this again? Stress relief... If it becomes a drama, will the older ever trust me again?
But the younger needs to hear from many sources, we do not share our genitalia with anyone. If anyone asks, it is always wrong.
I have read some speculation that the difference in ages determines whether it is molestation or not. I don't think so any more. I think whether or not the older child has ever been molested is what determines whether it is molestation or not.
Advice, sister. How far do I go with this? How do I make sure it does not become a drama? I am not sure if my Crone-trump card is strong enough. I want the older to understand that someone hurt them, and that this behavior can hurt someone else. But I don't want them to feel like they are bad...
I have been trapped in the past...
Sending love and hugs, and hoping for a life-line!!
Clare
Thursday, November 17, 2016
tough times
Clare,
I am considering wearing a safety pin…
in my ear.
Just to make people wonder about me.
I sometimes feel paralyzed by fear…
peritraumatic dissociation is the technical term.
It is a survival mechanism.
It is common.
It can manifest as daydreaming in some…
or multiple personality disorder in others (now known as dissociative identity disorder).
It is debilitating in some…
fugue states that last for extended periods of time.
I had one client who wandered in the woods for two weeks not knowing who she was or where she was after her father died….
she almost died.
Trauma is everywhere.
I had to sit with discomfort today. I asked for assistance with planning the future from the president of the board 2 weeks ago. He spoke with her about it and she took it as an insult and attack.
I wanted direction…
she felt I was pushing her out.
Why do women feel threatened by other women?
Why is it so hard to communicate with each other and understand what each is saying.
I try to listen to understand…
but do not feel understood.
A year ago I had not met this woman nor heard of this nonprofit. I was invited to work there- I did not ask for a job. One year later I am seen as someone competing for scarce resources and power. PArt of me wants to ditch and run…
part wants to prove I am right for the job and noncompetitive.
On similar but different front, I had a long conversation with the president of the board that I sit as vice president. I am unhappy with the process that the shelter uses to make decisions…
specifically the director tells the board what she wants and everyone nods "yes".
There are a few things that are important an I seem to be the only person paying attention. When I speak up I am met with a "what is the big deal" type of response. So I finally explained the 4.5 year history and why the process to those choices is important. She finally got it. She finally understood the board's role is to make decisions- not just agree with what is being done. I don't know if anything will change- except I was very clear that I was stepping down. She asked me to explain my point of view to the rest of the board and then see what their reaction is…then choose to stay or go. I thought I was free and clear…
and now I've got one more assignment.
Why is everything so tough right now? Why do I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall daily? It would be easier to stay home, make arts and crafts, play with the horses, cook and keep my house…
I just don't know.
We are being surrounded by bullies. I feel like they are all bullying each other behind the scenes. It is interesting to hear the stories coming out…Kushner fired Christie because Christie put Kushner's father in jail…
I'm afraid of the Bannon dude…he sounds like negative energy embodied in a human. I think I'm more afraid of his influence than I am of Trumps' ignorant, hateful rhetoric. I can only hope that he and Trump bump egos too many times and he's gone.
We can stick to Integrity, Intelligence, and Civility… my new mantra.
I actually have been asked to hold silence for several minutes during the thanksgiving service. No preparation necessary. I've also cried my way through songs at times…it can be very empowering to let the emotion move the song through you. What a great feeling that is.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am considering wearing a safety pin…
in my ear.
Just to make people wonder about me.
I sometimes feel paralyzed by fear…
peritraumatic dissociation is the technical term.
It is a survival mechanism.
It is common.
It can manifest as daydreaming in some…
or multiple personality disorder in others (now known as dissociative identity disorder).
It is debilitating in some…
fugue states that last for extended periods of time.
I had one client who wandered in the woods for two weeks not knowing who she was or where she was after her father died….
she almost died.
Trauma is everywhere.
I had to sit with discomfort today. I asked for assistance with planning the future from the president of the board 2 weeks ago. He spoke with her about it and she took it as an insult and attack.
I wanted direction…
she felt I was pushing her out.
Why do women feel threatened by other women?
Why is it so hard to communicate with each other and understand what each is saying.
I try to listen to understand…
but do not feel understood.
A year ago I had not met this woman nor heard of this nonprofit. I was invited to work there- I did not ask for a job. One year later I am seen as someone competing for scarce resources and power. PArt of me wants to ditch and run…
part wants to prove I am right for the job and noncompetitive.
On similar but different front, I had a long conversation with the president of the board that I sit as vice president. I am unhappy with the process that the shelter uses to make decisions…
specifically the director tells the board what she wants and everyone nods "yes".
There are a few things that are important an I seem to be the only person paying attention. When I speak up I am met with a "what is the big deal" type of response. So I finally explained the 4.5 year history and why the process to those choices is important. She finally got it. She finally understood the board's role is to make decisions- not just agree with what is being done. I don't know if anything will change- except I was very clear that I was stepping down. She asked me to explain my point of view to the rest of the board and then see what their reaction is…then choose to stay or go. I thought I was free and clear…
and now I've got one more assignment.
Why is everything so tough right now? Why do I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall daily? It would be easier to stay home, make arts and crafts, play with the horses, cook and keep my house…
I just don't know.
We are being surrounded by bullies. I feel like they are all bullying each other behind the scenes. It is interesting to hear the stories coming out…Kushner fired Christie because Christie put Kushner's father in jail…
I'm afraid of the Bannon dude…he sounds like negative energy embodied in a human. I think I'm more afraid of his influence than I am of Trumps' ignorant, hateful rhetoric. I can only hope that he and Trump bump egos too many times and he's gone.
We can stick to Integrity, Intelligence, and Civility… my new mantra.
I actually have been asked to hold silence for several minutes during the thanksgiving service. No preparation necessary. I've also cried my way through songs at times…it can be very empowering to let the emotion move the song through you. What a great feeling that is.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
paralyzed by fear
Hi Maggie,
So good to see/hear/meet you here. I definitely missed you. I understand being busy, though, and am happy that you are in the zone, doing amazing things.
Someone changed some of the words of 'Tis a Gift to Be Simple. Have you ever heard the version done by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss? It is amazing. Just a quick story. A good friend asked me to sing at her wedding. I did a duet with another women, singing 'Tis a Gift in harmony. We were singing before about 125 guests, and doing well, when I made a mistake...a big mistake. I looked at the bride. And when I looked at her glowing face, and felt the joy streaming from her heart, I started to weep. And there was nothing I could do but keep singing, while weeping.
Afterwards, people told me it was touching. I learned an important lesson, though. Don't look at the bride until after singing, especially if it is someone very dear to your heart!
What is the point of your speech at the Interfaith Council? That will help generate some ideas.
I have been thinking about trauma, experiencing trauma, being formed by trauma, developing our coping mechanisms.
One of mine, and I think of many people, is to freeze. Prey animals do this all the time. If there is a predator, freeze and hope they don't see you.
I think, for me I know, that this freeze strategy expands and moves into most of my life. Be quiet, don't attract attention. This is part of the why do I hide questions I have been wrestling with, I suppose.
But today I stated a phrase that has been resounding ever since...Paralyzed by fear.
I remember Dad bullying Grammy's best friend, who became our surrogate grandma for years. We froze. In the face of the bully, we all learned to be quiet and wait for the abuse to end. Then we go on as if nothing happened.
Our country is now in the hands of bullies. Watching Trump mimic a handicapped reporter once again, watching him think he was funny, breaks my heart. Most of us outgrew this cruelty by the time we were in middle school. Hearing him brag about assaulting women, knowing I am nothing but a dog or a pig to him - not even human, knowing my daughter is simply something he can grab...it frightens me, it hurts, it makes me furious.
But I am paralyzed by fear. Am I paralyzed by fear?
I think I am too busy. I think there is nothing I can do. But really, am I paralyzed in the face of bullies. Because the men he is choosing for his cabinet, his vice president...more bullies, more arrogant, entitled, rich white guys.
Is this the point of the systemized violence of our culture? Is it to render us paralyzed, unable to think, unable to react, leaving us simply ashamed at the end, because once again, we allowed someone mean to be mean?
People are starting to wear safety pins, indicating that they are safe. But does it mean anything? Will any of these people stand with a person being bullied.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke
I saw something that said if this administration starts requiring Muslims to register with the government, the first 800 people had better be white. Will I do that?
Should I get a safety pin?
The struggle continues.
Love and hugs from Clare
So good to see/hear/meet you here. I definitely missed you. I understand being busy, though, and am happy that you are in the zone, doing amazing things.
Someone changed some of the words of 'Tis a Gift to Be Simple. Have you ever heard the version done by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss? It is amazing. Just a quick story. A good friend asked me to sing at her wedding. I did a duet with another women, singing 'Tis a Gift in harmony. We were singing before about 125 guests, and doing well, when I made a mistake...a big mistake. I looked at the bride. And when I looked at her glowing face, and felt the joy streaming from her heart, I started to weep. And there was nothing I could do but keep singing, while weeping.
Afterwards, people told me it was touching. I learned an important lesson, though. Don't look at the bride until after singing, especially if it is someone very dear to your heart!
What is the point of your speech at the Interfaith Council? That will help generate some ideas.
I have been thinking about trauma, experiencing trauma, being formed by trauma, developing our coping mechanisms.
One of mine, and I think of many people, is to freeze. Prey animals do this all the time. If there is a predator, freeze and hope they don't see you.
I think, for me I know, that this freeze strategy expands and moves into most of my life. Be quiet, don't attract attention. This is part of the why do I hide questions I have been wrestling with, I suppose.
But today I stated a phrase that has been resounding ever since...Paralyzed by fear.
I remember Dad bullying Grammy's best friend, who became our surrogate grandma for years. We froze. In the face of the bully, we all learned to be quiet and wait for the abuse to end. Then we go on as if nothing happened.
Our country is now in the hands of bullies. Watching Trump mimic a handicapped reporter once again, watching him think he was funny, breaks my heart. Most of us outgrew this cruelty by the time we were in middle school. Hearing him brag about assaulting women, knowing I am nothing but a dog or a pig to him - not even human, knowing my daughter is simply something he can grab...it frightens me, it hurts, it makes me furious.
But I am paralyzed by fear. Am I paralyzed by fear?
I think I am too busy. I think there is nothing I can do. But really, am I paralyzed in the face of bullies. Because the men he is choosing for his cabinet, his vice president...more bullies, more arrogant, entitled, rich white guys.
Is this the point of the systemized violence of our culture? Is it to render us paralyzed, unable to think, unable to react, leaving us simply ashamed at the end, because once again, we allowed someone mean to be mean?
People are starting to wear safety pins, indicating that they are safe. But does it mean anything? Will any of these people stand with a person being bullied.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke
I saw something that said if this administration starts requiring Muslims to register with the government, the first 800 people had better be white. Will I do that?
Should I get a safety pin?
The struggle continues.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
I choose kindness
Clare,
It has been an unsettling week. I am dismayed that hatred has been unleashed in this country and the world. I still believe that peace and love are stronger…subtler…more stable.
What a re-action to 8 years of good leadership from a black (half black) man…
I think we underestimated the extent of threat felt by all of those white men…and women.
we greatly underestimated it.
Sunday at Meeting a man stood and sang:
'tis a gift to be patient...
'tis a gift to be kind…
'tis a gift to wait to hear the others' mind.
The verse went on…and I cannot remember the words, but that line has stayed with me.
I added a Mother Theresa Quote…
It has been an unsettling week. I am dismayed that hatred has been unleashed in this country and the world. I still believe that peace and love are stronger…subtler…more stable.
What a re-action to 8 years of good leadership from a black (half black) man…
I think we underestimated the extent of threat felt by all of those white men…and women.
we greatly underestimated it.
Sunday at Meeting a man stood and sang:
'tis a gift to be patient...
'tis a gift to be kind…
'tis a gift to wait to hear the others' mind.
The verse went on…and I cannot remember the words, but that line has stayed with me.
I added a Mother Theresa Quote…
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
I made a brief sentence about Quaker integrity making a mark at this time.
It felt right…
I have been working harder at preparing for the trauma seminar…
and my trauma work…
trying hard to be kind.
One of my students asked me if I felt safe…
she is a survivor of abuse and feels unsafe.
I told her that I refuse to give my power over to a bully.
I suggested that she find several safe people to be with…
for loving support and stability.
I also believe that, as social workers, we are the ones to stand with the vulnerable. Each adversity t=is an opportunity for something to grow. Perhaps the responsibility for caring for each other will become more personal since we will not have a supportive government. Kindness cannot be legislated in, or out of life. I plan to be kind. I choose kindness. That's all that I can do.
I have to speak at an interfaith, Thanksgiving eve gathering next week…
I have no idea what I'm going to read or say…
any quotes that you have would be much appreciated.
Thanks for keeping track of me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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