Stress

So, reflecting on those who have died...
Of course I share most of those memories, but not all.
I have no recollection of Grampa Smoke...

I also remember the animals I have loved...
the animals that I was with when they died...
crying for their passing...
I have even cried at road kill...

I remember my patients who have died...
those who showed up in the ER barely alive...
and those that I knew well and was privileged to be near as they passed.
I remember the young and the old...each with a story to tell...
each mourned in a unique way.

I used to sing for funerals at the Catholic Church...
usually for strangers...
some with huge crowds...some with only one or two to witness their ceremony...
no matter...each one made me feel closer to the Spirit...

I spent my day researching the effects of stress hormones on the body...
developing a talk about the need for primary prevention of abuse and neglect...
It makes me sick to think that so many live only partially alive...
blocking their innermost self in order to protect it.
And yet we respond to the symptoms...
wasting time and money and personnel treating symptoms without investing in prevention...
teaching respect...
seeing that of God in all beings...

It is a start...
the beginning of Me Too...
the beginning of educating and raising awareness...
I will follow the lead after that.

Happy Halloween,
Maggie

Again with the heart

Someone said today that if we can just get into the heart, or higher - there is no fear.  Does the pain of our past keep us trapped low?  Grounded, mired in fear and pain?  Is this the swamp?

-Clare

Samhain

Happy Halloween,

Remember the year we were Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?  The advantage of being the oldest/tallest - I got to be the princess.  Mom did have fun working with a group sometimes.  I think if she sent us out today, she would make us be the Cleveland Browns.  What do you think?

Halloween is different with an empty nest, living on a dark, dead end road.  Those who celebrate Samhain note that today is the day when the veil is thin.  Those who have passed over are closest to us now.  When my kids were at home, when they were older - too old for trick-or-treating, etc., we used to sit together on Halloween night and remember those who had passed.  We always talked a lot about Cousin D who died young of ALS.  My middle son is named for him.  I told them about his humor - The Peanut Butter Ghost stories.  We talked about Aunt S and Grammy - my oldest has their names - they both died while I was pregnant the first time.  When I look at my oldest, I realize they have been gone for three decades, but it doesn't seem that long.  Grammy seems so real and so present.

My youngest son has the name of his great grandfather and great uncle.  You remember Uncle O from my in-law's side of the family?  He dropped his shorts for you when he discovered you were studying medicine.  He wanted you to get a look at his...shingles!  Nana was so embarrassed.  And Nana - my youngest has her name.  I loved her so much...She was truly kind.

I think it's good to remember.  I have been thinking about the duality.  Pop was charming, funny, fun to be with.  Yet he abused - who knows how many.  And my oldest son has his name...Grandma was self-sacrificing and sometimes bitter, but she made me feel special - she cooked special foods, especially when I stopped eating meat, and just made it seem like that was normal - it was normal to notice what I ate and provide that for me.  She had a true generosity of spirit despite hiding from the pain and grossness of her life in abusive families. Grammy made me feel special, too.  Somehow she seemed to do that for everyone.  She is often my role model in life.  Grampa Smoke is also a sympathetic character, despite being a falling-down-in-public alcoholic.  I remember my parents-in-law, who held on to me and the kids as my marriage crumbled.  They came from dysfunctional backgrounds, and none of us were perfect, but I remember their generosity and support, and I miss them.

I feel a balance today.  They are all hovering nearby, on a loving vibration.  They were flawed, but they are family.  They hurt us, yet they loved us.  I don't think any one of them was malicious.  They/we are all just damaged.  Maybe it's good to be alone on a dark, dead-end road for Halloween!

I hope you have a Happy Halloween.  Love you!!  C.

(I didn't get the manager's position - not enough business experience.  I just saw the announcement of who was promoted.  I think it was a good choice.)

No duality?

So there is no duality, just failure to see? or to recognize? or to reflect?

I am more drawn to dogs as companions.  They choose me and choose to be part of a pack with me.  There is an inherent understanding, as opposed to living with my cat, who simply owns me.  There is no doubt of that!  I never thought much about having companions who are predator vs.prey - except that I expect the cat to take care of the autumn mouse invasion.  And she has been doing an exemplary job this year!  I have kept sheep and goats, but they were not pets or companions.  So I guess I am not aware of the difference of befriending a horse as compared to a dog.  I have never had the time or place or resources for keeping a horse, so I'll just have to learn from you.  I think we do need companions who keep us real and force us to be aware of what we are really thinking.

The grooming we all go through is to be nice.  To be no trouble.  To be a perfect women like Grandma who silently served everyone and took what was left for herself.  We do the same to ourselves and to our animals.  So I guess it is logical that they would mirror it back to us.

Today I listened to a talk about radiance.  We are radiant when we emit light from within.  We (read I) can't be radiant with our head down, slouched over to protect our hearts.  The line that called my attention today was that we can't have compassion for anyone else if we don't have compassion for ourselves.  I started to object, because I can be nicer and kinder and more present for anyone, except myself.  But, if I want to be honest, maybe it's superficial kindness and it's offered only as a distraction.  Maybe that's why relationships run sort of cold and at a distance - sort of like the sibling/familial relationships in the Delana Clan.  When I hear all the advice to love myself, I clog up and shut down.  But be compassionate with myself...maybe I can do that, or at least get closer to true kindness.

Did you know:
"The world will be saved by the western woman,"   -Dalai Lama

Maybe that's because we're all doing what you and I are doing...being fearless!

I'm exhausted.  Working with no electricity for most of the morning set me back at work.  I finished later than usual.

Night,  Clare

the power of the feminine

I love a good storm...
to be stranded and have my awareness of nature raised...
to appreciate the pure power of nature...
especially the wind that, though invisible, moves heavy objects.
On Saturday, at the barn, a friend commented, "I wonder who pissed Mother Nature off this bad?"
We laughed and blamed it on the nasty politics so prevalent this close to elections...
but the truth of the matter is that we are all responsible for the changing climate...and the disrespect of Mother Nature...exploiting and manipulating the gifts shared with us...
we are thankfully dry, safe and only have tree limbs to clean up.

I, too, have curled up with a book through this storm...
The Tao of Equus by Linda Kohanov...
it is very powerful and has given me insights.
You seem to gravitate to dogs...
I love my dogs...but have always been drawn to horses.
I have had the pleasure of owning 6 horses in my life...
all had different gifts to give me...all very different in personality...
My purpose of owning our first horse was to allow daughter#1 to "show" a beautiful, talented horse and win alot of ribbons...needless to say that was a disaster.

With each of the other 5 I welcomed them into my herd because they needed me, as much as I needed them...Each was being "disposed" of because they were no longer of value or use to their owners...
I learned with our first horse that, while I own the rights and responsibilities to a horse, it is impossible to own them.
My horses have been abused and neglected in many different ways...
they all come with memories and the issues that abuse carries with it.
It took me a long time to realize that I collected these horses because I needed them for my own healing.
Horses are prey animals...they are alert, intelligent, intuitive and need companions...
they carry feminine characteristics...
they are much like women...
when they are treated as stupid and insignificant they act stupid and insignificant...
but, deep down they never forget their birthright...
and given the opportunity their innate wisdom and powers will resurface.
Given the opportunity they reflect human emotions and conflicts back to us...if we let them.

Abuse doesn't take away our humanity...
it means to...it trys to...it wants to...
but it does not have the power to do that...
unless we stop trying to remember who we really are.
Abuse sends our truest self...that innocent, trusting self...into hiding.
It cannot destroy...only frighten into silence...temporarily.

The book talks about being congruent with your emotions...
horses know when we are acting one way yet feeling another...
they react to the deep, not the shallow...
so when I am with a horse who is misbehaving (unless there is a predator close by) they are reacting to me. It is pointless to be frustrated with the horse...I must turn the attention back to myself and find out what is causing this.
I can own my true feelings of anger or frustration with life...
as long as I am acting in a way that is connected with the emotions...
then the horse settles.

The books says, talking about women with a history of abuse;
As little girls, they learned to be happy, helpful, brave and polite when they really felt sad, frightened, rebellious, and angry. No one ever taught them how to manage or learn from those "bad feelings". As a result, later they found that they could not rely on their own internal warning system to avoid ...

What should we be avoiding because of this "grooming"? What are we avoiding to ensure that we don't remember who we really are?
Re-member...we need to bring all of the aspects of who we are back into one, perfect self...
we have separated out our deepest self to protect her...
now it is time to bring her back into the self and recreate wholeness.

The wondering about light and darkness that you were doing in the previous post made me think of dualisms...
Light cannot exist without darkness...
do you remember when we posted about the darkness of outer space...
Light is present there, but only visible when there is an object to reflect it back to our eyes.
Somehow darkness is not the absence of light...
only one form of Light- unreflected Light.

I am going to keep reading...and later drop in to see how the horses fared in the storm...
Love and Light,
Maggie

Womb Memories

The hurricane has hit!  It is wild outside...wind, heavy rain.  It is now so dark that I can't see what is happening.  But I can hear it.

I listened to an hour long workshop with a woman named DeAnna L'am today.  She was talking about reclaiming the women's mysteries, especially concerning menstruation.  She said a few things that hit home, and I wanted to share with you...whenever you return from the storm...

She talked a lot about the shame of menstruation and female sexuality and contended that the mother's attitude affects the daughter's.  Once the mother has come to a healthier place, a healthier attitude, the daughter will too.  So she asked women to remember their first menses, the way they were welcomed to womanhood.  And what I thought was that when girls are used as a sexual object at a young age - that is their welcome to womanhood.  How do we fix that?  How do we go back there.  (I know sex and sexuality are gifts, but I still feel bad, because of the lessons we learned in our home.  And when I started bleeding the first time, I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't think it mattered to anyone but me.)

She challenged everyone to go to a time when we felt free and easy in our bodies, when we felt joyous.  Mostly I don't have those memories.  Mostly I remember being fearful and elusive, wanting to be invisible.  But then I had a flash of memory.  I was 7 years old, it was summer, late afternoon, we lived in K. and all the neighborhood kids were together, having races.  I used to hate racing.  I ran half-heartedly.  But for some reason that day, I ran.  I felt what it was like to be in my body, to move fast, to contact the Earth, to just run.  I have never felt that freedom since, although I have wished for it many times.  But I think I don't trust enough to go there.

After DeAnna spoke she asked for questions.  The very first woman spoke of infant sexual abuse.  I had tears running down my face as I listened to her.  Because DeAnna had told us that the girl who became woman is sitting in the cellar of our consciousness, and she is the last piece of our jigsaw puzzle - as we claim our wild and beautiful selves.  She wants to lead women to grieve and cleanse all those emotions that have been there all these years...but what happened to infants?  What is there never was a time?  De Anna suggested returning to the womb, to a time when we felt safe. 

What she started with was very beautiful.  She wants to revive our heart and womb memories.

So this is what I will be thinking about tonight as I lie in bed and listen to the wind howl around my house.  I will also be thinking of my children and their children and my loved ones - human, furry or even leafed - and sending us all Light.

I hope you and yours are safe and comfortable.  With love, Clare

Wildness

Hello!

I had grandchildren here for the last two days.  I love having them here, but this week I was just exhausted.  I think I am fighting a virus.  Usually, I write to you after they go to sleep, but last night, I crashed as soon as they did.  And I also had a grandpuppy with me!

I have been thinking about your question - are we traveling parallel paths?  It struck me hard that we started in the same place and are going to the same place.  Then I thought about the swamp.  I think you are keeping your head above water, no matter what.  I am roiling in the muck.  I fight it less.  I think if we were healthy, traveling in clear, clean flowing water, my way would be healthy - trusting the flow and seeing where it leads.  But in a swamp - doesn't work so well. 

Your writing brought a Brene observation to mind.  When she asked about acceptance, people told heartwrenching stories of not being accepted.  When she asked about love, people talked of heartbreak.  But I know someone, when she talks of love, she tells the most romantic, fated story of a marriage that thrives.  Maybe that's why we have to learn to tell our stories from a positive point of view.  So we can become more like this wonderful woman I know.

I tried to do it, in my mind.  I tried to write my story.  I started, then I notice I punctuate with "Then I was stupid..."  or "Then I was afraid..."  or even, "Then I was mean..."  I need to get past this point.  I was thinking it might be a good practice - write my stories from a positive place.  But I am not sure where to start.  I don't ever want to see the positive points of being abused...except that it leads to this point where we fearlessly talk about it. Maybe...I am fighting it, but maybe...

I forgive those who hurt me. At least, I am pretty sure I forgive.  I just can't seem to step past fearing them.  It's harbored deep inside somewhere.  Maybe it's self-preservation.  Maybe it's the child me.  I think I fear myself, though, too. I am not sure how...this is just sort of coming to me...

The Martina line that screamed at me:  Sometimes she wishes she was never born

I have felt this...so many times.  Reading the lines makes tears well up in my eyes.  I see me here...And I love the mosaic.  It provides a great illustration for the way the walls break.  I can see the Light shining out...or is it in???

We are also in the Frankenstorm's path.  With the expected sustained winds, we are told to expect sustained electrical outages.  I have my candles, I have stored water.  But the first thing I did when I saw the forecast was go to the library and get five new books.  Unfortunately, I have already finished one of them.  It was Dogs of Dreamtime by Karen Shanley.  She writes of a beloved dog reincarnating and calling her in her dreams.  She finds the dog, then writes about the ensuing chaos of other dogs and lessons learned.  At the end she is worried about her dog running off with the coyotes, of embracing her wild self and abandoning the connection with Karen.

I have reread and taken comfort in the following passage.  Kiera is her soul dog, Magic is another dog that she had to have put down.

I believe there is a golden thread that runs through all of our lives.  I'd temporarily lost sight of mine, and needed to learn to trust that it was still there.  This is the purpose of faith, I've come to understand.  It's the light that carries us safely through the darkness until we're able to see the light again for ourselves.

My Kiera was still here.  She didn't run away with the coyotes; she came back to me of her own accord.  I'd always had this worry in the back of my head that her wildness who eventually take her away from me too, as I believed Magic's wildness had taken him.  And that, some night, if she could run off with the coyotes, she would.

Kiera, lying on my feet as always, looked up at me, as if reading my thoughts, as if to say, Don't you get it?  My wildness is mine, not the coyotes'. I don't need to run off with them to be free.  I have always been who I am.  I've never left you and I never will.  I'm still here.  And now finally, so are you.

Yes, I thought.  Now finally so am I.

And so I could see that it was I all along who had been somehow calling the coyotes to us.  It was I who needed to meet these coyotes face-to-face, so I could stare into the face of my own wildness.  Because, in fact, I had been set free - free from my grief, and free from fearful thinking that had been trapping me.  I knew for certain now that my freedom lived within me.

I had been reminded of the unseen field behind everything that holds us all together.  I knew that I was still connected to Magic and he was still connected to me.  And I was one of the lucky ones, because I knew how deeply I was connected to...she mentions specific individuals.   Like Kiera, this knowing was mine now and I knew what I needed to do to keep it healthy. 

And maybe most importantly, I came to understand that absolutely everything had happened for a purpose...

This passage spikes many thoughts.  One I will share tonight is...How can we trust the light when born in a dark situation?  Children of abuse have such a hard time learning faith, because there is so little light...and maybe we need light to dry the swamp and turn all that gross turbid darkness into fertility for our new seeds of life.

If you need to evacuate, come here.  We are also in the storm's circle, but more peripherally.

I love you. Clare

Coincidental Messages

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel   (Concrete Angel, recorded by Martina McBride)
I went to a concert on Friday evening, Martina McBride...
she sang this song...and several others raising awareness about abuse...
She got a standing ovation...
I am struck by the line in the lyrics about "it's hard to see the pain behind the mask"...
I wore a mask for many years...I probably still do to some extent...although I am trying to be authentic.
I guess, in keeping with yesterday's post, I am rewriting that part of my story...that the mask was necessary for a period of time to protect myself...now I no longer need it...I am ready to be seen...to be heard...to be understood...and to be rejected if necessary.

This morning in Meeting for Worship a woman spoke of mosaics...
she said that by placing broken pieces together into a beautiful piece to create the mosaic you let in more Light...it is "beauty in the brokenness".
I am so grateful for the breaking down of the wall that I have erected and secured in the past...it isn't totally demolished...but, like the mosaic, it has enough cracks that it allows Light to penetrate...
No longer afraid to be seen and known...

I love it when people say things that feel as if they are meant precisely for me...I love being the recipient of coincidental messages...it feels powerful.

I am settling in for this storm...everything has been cancelled for tomorrow...a rare, unplanned day off...I love the possibilities of what I can do with unscheduled time...I pray that this storm is not as devastating as they are predicting...pray for safety...
I may lose power or internet...if you don't hear from me just trust that I will be back as soon as it is restored...
Stay safe and dry,
Maggie

Reflections

So are we approaching health and wholeness from opposite directions?
Are we traveling towards balance from the poles?
Are we traveling parallel paths?
We started from similar places of angst, could it be that the beginning of this healing was our common point, our intersection and now we travel divergent paths, both of which can lead us to health.
But we keep coming back to the metaphor of the swamp...how does that tie us together?

I have been reading about theories and approaches to psychotherapy...
toady's is Narrative Therapy...you are the sum total of your perceptions of your "stories" accumulated throughout your life.
If you carry predominantly negative beliefs about yourself you will reinforce those by telling stories that highlight your shortcomings and failures. On the contrary, if you have a healthy self-esteem you will focus on the positive strengths within your stories.
Anyway...it made me wonder why we, us and our siblings, tell very different "stories" about our early family life. I understand that no one experienced life the same way, each of us was unique, as we still are. But what constitutes health in the recollections of the family stories from each individual that lived within the Delana family?
Is it repression and rewriting or forgetting the difficult memories?
Is it in vilifying certain members of the clan...or in canonizing others?
I have been told that I cannot help the Delana family members heal...
I can only heal myself by understanding that the feelings of fear and mistrust that I carry are not real...
they are as much an illusion as the Delanas are a real family.
I remind myself frequently that I am safe, and healing and have no reason to hold onto the illusions...
trust is possible...
some people are trustworthy....others are not...but I can choose.
The narrative therapy approach says that by rewriting your story...to focus on the positive that healing can happen...
at first I was repulsed by this idea...how can rewriting and gaining new perspective help?
But then I thought of our work here...
we began from a very closed, fearful, dark place...
but by seriously looking at the stories and memories, I have been able to truly feel as if we all did the best that we could, under the circumstances.
I can't change the events...they are historical...
but I can see the brokenness and suffering...
I can forgive those who hurt me and/or failed to protect me...
I can forgive myself for not protecting others...
I can move on with my life...and not have bits and pieces of my soul still stuck back in those places in those times.
I am not yet fully there...but I can see the path much more clearly from where I am now.
I sometimes wonder if there are more layers to be uncovered...
am I totally honest with myself about all of this?
I hope that I am...I believe that I am...I have to trust that the worst is behind...and life is ahead.

So we are bracing for a "Frankenstorm"...a good time to step back and take a moment to reflect.

I love you...
Maggie

Green chakra - Get in the GREEN chakra

Again, I wonder why...why do we react the way we do? You control situations.  This is classic for kids who grew up in chaos.  Childhood was absolutely uncontrollable, we were tossed about with no concern for the effects on our development, or on our sense of security.  One response is to become an adult and absolutely control everything, so that the world is not scary any more.  My mother-in-law was the queen of this.  Then there's me, and people like me.  When life gets chaotic, I roll with it and just wait to see where I land.  I don't have any sense of control, or being able to make a difference, or, at base, of even being here.  So why is my response the exact opposite of yours?  What makes us so different?

And, what I have been thinking is that healthy is halfway between us.  You need to learn to direct, not control.  I need to learn that I have some influence, especially in my own life.  You need to release, I need to get a grip.  Maybe that is why we are in this together.  We are the two faces of a dysfunctional upbringing...and neither one of is truly happy or connected.  But we have the potential to be, and are getting closer every day!  So, get out of your yellow chakra, get into your heart chakra and trust the universe.  And I need to remember I have a yellow chakra and have some influence in my own life...

If I had been asked to describe a perfect job, I would never have dreamed up the job I have.  Yet I love it.  Some days I am tired and groan about having to work, but I never complain about the job.  I enjoy myself every day.  So, make your wish list, then trust the universe.  I know you recognize the messages!!  And you'll end up someplace where you can make a difference.

Confront your past?  Confront your future?  Maybe, simply confront yourself...

I have been feeling blank also.  That was why I watched the TED talk again.  I have seen it so many times, but each time something else rises for me.  This week, today, I feel like I am trying not to get sick, and so my brain has gone into hibernation to keep me calm.  The house is messy, but I am going to knit and see if I have more energy tomorrow.

Another word that comes to mind...boundaries. I know we have had struggles with this word, and continue to struggle.  But, just as you don't want others taking over your life, make sure you set boundaries for your job.

Active sentence:  I lost the paper.
Passive sentence:  The paper is lost.

I have an editor who reminds and repeats - No passive sentences.  We want active articles!!  Passive is a great way to not take responsibility.  Thinks of kids,  "Mom, the lamp got broken!"  Passive is abundant in political speeches!

I am feeling tired and logy.  I think I am going to turn on a movie and knit - even though it is beautiful outside.  And yeah, we are wondering what will happen with the storm which is also heading toward us!

Tomorrow...until then, Smile!  Clare

control...I'm doing it again

So, I will attempt to be more open this morning.
For some reason...maybe the approaching storm and these dreary days...
I have been short-tempered and short on insight for the past few days.

I feel confrontational for some reason.

So what am I being moved to confront?
My future?
My past?
no those are too obvious...
No, it's probably the present...the answer is never the obvious...that much I have learned.
I am starting to have increasing awareness that in a few months I will be finished with this degree and still have no clear idea what to do.
I have so many ideas...but they seem to be exclusive of each other...
I need to find a position that is inclusive of my interests...
or create one that does.

Oh, crap...I am trying to control the outcome...once again...
one of my usual mechanisms of defense.
It's one that people raised in dysfunctional homes like to turn to...
and one that I have mastered to the point that it becomes automatic for me...
even hard to recognize.

This morning, as I was showering, I thought of my current life situation.
I am teaching because of a serendipitous meeting.
I am getting a Masters because of people who are peripherally involved in my life...
had the correct message at the correct time for me.
I believe that this morning's message is to trust that the opportunity will present itself...
I just have to be open enough to recognize it say yes.

I am interning in an office right now for the MSW requirements...
the group is accepting applications for the executive director's position...
a professor, whom I greatly admire, told me very clearly that I would be perfect for that position.
Is that serendipity...or a vehicle for my self-reflection?
The deadline for applying is today...
I think that may be part of this 'funk'...
I have been preoccupied with the conflicting thoughts of this opportunity.
I have been contemplating this for the past two weeks...is it what I am looking for?
Part of me (the practical part) thinks it is ridiculous to think that I could go from to intern to executive director.
Part of me has seriously considered it...it is prestigious...but there's alot of travel involved...most of the activities and projects that they are involved in would interest me...but the public advocacy that they do is very focused on the needs of the profession, not social justice issues.

I want several things in a position; research opportunities,  researching and writing public policy, the opportunity to make a significant difference (teaching, speaking, writing and/or advocating), and social justice work.

I am meeting with my current employer next week to see if they can craft a position that meets my requirements (aka the wish-list).
After the election, I want to send out "feelers" to elected officials to see if they are interested in a research analyst/policy 'shaper' type position.
I have also suggested that my current university hire me to teach and research...
I could truly do Bio-psycho-social research and teach undergrad and grad level courses...
they are bringing it to the dean.
So is all of this activity control?
Is it prudence and being proactive?
I feel as if it is trying to control the future instead of trusting in the process...
One of my greatest fears is that I will take on a position that will take over my life...
be so engaging or demanding that I will forget to make time for me...and my family.
I have to remember to give myself enough time to breathe and walk and meditate and read for pleasure and sing and cook and garden and hang with my animals...
to make me a priority...to feed my soul.
If I can do that then I will continue to heal...
continue to grow...
to become integrated and whole...
maybe I will actually be balanced and grounded...
so the next time some external crisis occurs it won't send me into a tail spin that takes a year to recover from.

One last question...I don't understand the difference between active and passive sentence structures...can you explain or give me an example?

Shalom-
Maggie

no words tonight

Thanks for seeing me...
all aspects of me...
It is really hard to remain open and exposed for such a long time...
but we have pushed through difficult periods and stayed present with each other.

Daughter #2 came home to pick up a few items and sat and helped her brother with homework...
they laughed and joked while she "tortured him with science". They wouldn't let me help because I am too technical.

I am blank tonight...
no ideas...
no streams of consciousness...
no raging emotions...
maybe this is peace?
maybe this is equinimity?
It's sad that I am unsure.

I was trying to find an amazing picture that a friend shared with me, for some reason I am thinking of it and wanting to share it with you. When I find it I will share it.

I am going to sign off...
not sure where my words are tonight.
I will be back tomorrow.
I love you...
Maggie

Fluttering through

URLs are so far beyond me.  I have no idea who has been here.  If a sibling reads and has anything to add or to question, I just assumed we would hear from them either here or in person.  I think what we are doing is scary.  I think we all feel shame.  The others all went through similar versions of what we went through.  We both know how bad it really was and how hard it is to walk through the muck and not drown again.

Consider that you are being taken seriously, just not by the sibs and just not yet.  Someone has to go first and we have done it, so I say - I respect you, I honor the work you are doing, I am so grateful that you have kept me moving forward through all of this - especially when I felt frightened...you reminded me that I do have family - I have you.

Just a thought - I teach active and passive sentence structure.   Passive is a great way to avoid blaming anyone else.  Active takes responsibility...

And a mystery that demands presence...I really like that.  I have a feeling those words will haunt me for some time.  I am grateful to be present for you and I welcome your presence so much.  I look forward to our exchanges.  You have become a vital part of each day for me...thank you.

I don't remember that Christmas cartoon.  And I don't remember any regrets from walking beyond my comfort zone.  My regrets all stem from playing it safe, not reaching out, not letting people get close, not being daring.  I had one interview, and there will be a second in the next few days.  I feel good about the first one, although I have been reworking my answers now that it doesn't count.  I am so human!!

I have been continuing to try to feel I am part of all.  I have been asking to have my blocks and plugs removed so that I could be part of the flow.  I had a strange sensation when I was walking this afternoon.  I saw the moon rise and suddenly I saw it as a planetary body.  Usually I see it as a sky decoration, or as a way to measure the month.  But today it was an entity.  It felt right - more complete.  And as I was gazing into the sky, I saw one oak leaf flutter down through the expanse of blue. Just one brown leaf.  I guess I am slowing down and admiring the Earth and seeing the perfection and the beauty.  Getting more into the flow?  Wouldn't that be amazing?

And I understand what you want to do.  You want to heal.  You don't want to salve symptoms any more.  You are a healer.

A loving goodnight to you...Clare

(What costumes did your boys choose?)

Just put one foot in front of the other...

So, as far as fearing that you might be hung up on...
I am not certain, but looking at the stats I don't see that anyone has accessed us directly from the URL you posted.
I shared the URL with another person and I could tell when the blog was directly accessed by the addresses listed in the stats.
Their apparent lack of interest really intrigues me.
Do they think we are so screwed up that it isn't worth their time?
Are they afraid of what might be here?
They can access it anonymously...I don't think that we are planning on tracking any one's activity.
It would be nice to be taken seriously.

I spent my day at a "self care" conference. Telling us to reflect and cultivate self awareness, rest, exercise, eat well, etc. One woman was fabulous, she spoke of volunteering...going outside of your needs and responsibilities and doing something for another. She quoted someone saying that you can be "active or passive", it is your choice...she suggested active. I believe that our blog is an active process...we are sharing and clarifying...we are moving forward...not exactly in step with each other, but still journeying together...supporting each other at a time of vulnerability.

I picked up another very poignant quote today, from a woman who works with cancer patients...but the words are applicable to abuse survivors as well,
Suffering is not a question which demands an answer,
not a problem which demands a solution,
it is a mystery which demands presence.
                                        Anonymous
So your presence, with me throughout the spring and summer, throughout my chaos and crises, through my ups and downs...is a mystery...and a grace...I thank you.

I am glad that you have applied for the manager's position...
I am sure that it is anxiety provoking...but you will never advance if you fail to take the steps.
Do you remember the Christmas cartoon with the song,
"Just put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking cross the floor.
If you put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking out that door".
(sorry that I am borrowing wisdom from a Christmas cartoon)
I have never regretted moving out of my comfort zone and trying something that unnerved me.
Good Luck.

I do know that Brene Brown has a counseling training. I have considered it, but I don't think I am going to counsel when I am finished.
I am really leaning towards teaching and research and potentially writing public policy if I can find the right opportunity.
I am frustrated with the current therapeutic strategies...
identify a problem...fix the problem by changing your way of thinking...and then...back to life.
My opinion is that if you fail to treat the deeper wounds they will manifest in another way in the not too distant future...
BUT...currently it's a quick fix, short-sighted, but cost effective...
I believe that people deserve better...
they aren't Pavlov's dog who can be trained/conditioned and then move on...
humans are more complex that that...
anyway...off my soapbox.
I have to take the boys shopping for Halloween costumes...
until tomorrow-
Maggie

Excruciating/Numbed/Necessary

I was expecting a week of Indian summer.  But today is dark and dismal.  It has been raining all day.  My mood matches.  I feel solemn and uninspired.

So...I listened to Brene Brown's first TED talk again.  I haven't heard it for awhile so I thought it would inspire me.  (Did you know she is training connection counselors...you should do it!)  Usuallty I just listen and respond emotionally.  This time I jotted down the phrases that jumped out at me.  Let's see where they take me.

power of vulnerability
call deep on my courage
expanded perception
excruciating vulnerability/necessary vulnerability/we numb vulnerability
birthplace of joy
to be worthy of love and connection
fear of disconnection
love without guarantee
the courage to be imperfect
we stop screaming and start listening

The excruciating -> necessary -> numbed vulnerability caught my imagination.  I often we say we numb our pain.  Maybe what I perceive as pain is truly vulnerability.  But the other thing I have heard her say is that vulnerability is the place of pain and grief and being alone...but it is also the birthplace of joy.  So I still need to work on identifying vulnerability, although I truly recognize the honest, open moments of true connection with others.  I guess I am learning.

A manager's position opened up in my company.  I really dithered about applying for it.  I wondered if I am too maverick, and maybe a little too flaky.  I took the Myers-Briggs (INFJ - although the J is very slight) and Strength's Finder  (in order:  Innovation, Problem Solving, Faith, Curiosity, Communication, Visionary, Teamwork).  I dithered some more.  It became a topic of conversation at the party I attended.  I allowed a man I had just met to compliment me and say I would make a good manager.  He said that even though I am quiet, I truly listen to people and everything I say is germaine.  And I swear I did not roll my eyes!!  (I get points for that!)  (And that sort of destroyed my security blanket notion that I am invisible...)

I finally relaxed and decided I would like to have the position, but if I wasn't selected, it was okay.  And so I applied.  I felt/feel very little emotion.  I am not nervous.  This is good for me!

But I am having another reaction.  Just to be open about what has been happening, last weekend we let our siblings know about this blog.  I wanted to talk to Mom about something, and suddenly realized she may know about this and they may start hanging up on me again...and that makes me sad and frightened.  And I wonder if I am creating an internal drama, which is typical for the child of an alcoholic.


So this is where I am today...More tomorrow...

Sweet dreams little sister,  Clare

Recreate the connection

I don't know how we got hurt at such a young age.  I don't know why I felt so unwelcome.  Sometimes I wonder if I am unusually sensitive...which may be true.  Kids from chaotic households have to learn to gauge the mood of the adults around them.  I know that I my stress level was influenced by Dad's moods.  And I know my kids had to do the same with me.  I do know how it affected me.  We all have our standard Mommy-Lectures, those spiels we can repeat without thought because we say them over and over and over...One of my top lectures was:  "Don't lock your sister/brother out.  This is home and we are all safe and welcome here.  You are not allowed to take away their safety."  And I made sure my kids knew they could come home whenever they needed to.  I don't care if they are 62 years old.  If they need refuge, they are welcome with me.

When I think of this, I wish we had community.  Can you imagine living next door.  If Clare was flipping out, everyone could go hang with Aunt Maggie.  And vice versa - kids would have had an escape and peer/cousins...

You made it through the institutional harassment in your life and are stronger for it.  You made it through the physical sensations and found it didn't kill you, and so you are stronger.  I hate this method of toughening each other up though.  It is so violent...and now we have to work so hard at finding the vulnerability inside of us.  Maybe we need to redefine strength as flexibility rather than a tough hide.

I was thinking about enemies, about the something other that we get to hate in order to feel community.  I also read something a Quaker I have met wrote.  And I read a bit of Eckhart Tolle at a friend's house before I fell asleep.  All three coagulated and I have been playing with a new idea.  Our enemy is other, it is outside of us.  God is other, also outside of us.  God has been presented as a father figure and we get to go beg and beseech.  Maybe he listens, maybe not, and we know that we get only what we deserve.  If we really are connected, then our enemy is part of us, as is divinity.  We separated ourselves out, now how do we recreate the connection and find our place back in the oneness?

I went outside yesterday, into the wind, and tried to feel the air movement move my molecules.  I felt like a bubble wand with the soap film stretching, then coming back to one sheet.  It was strange, but fun.  Today I took a long walk  (it is gorgeous outside!) and tried to feel my foot become one with the Earth, to barely merge, with each step.  I have no idea if this will be effective, but I want to feel that I am part of the whole.

It promises to be a beautiful week, I think I will go out and see/feel/smell/sense what I can...

Hey world, I love my little sister!

Clare

Quick post

So how are we so hurt at such a young age...
to accept that there might not be a place for us at the table...
the time of community...
family coming together to share that abundance...
and stories and love.
I can't recall a specific incident...
but I remember also feeling as if I deserved to be left out...
ignored...
given the leftovers...
actually I am getting the image of Grandma and Pop's anniversary in Wildcat park...
being left outside...not welcomed...barely tolerated.
I always hated hearing,"you are to be seen and not heard".

I really had to fight that when I became a professional.
I had to force myself to speak up for patients...
to advocate...
which always made me nervous to the point of physical symptoms...
especially when I had to speak to an older male...
confronting power was so uncomfortable...
I doubted my own skills and knowledge because they were "more" than I was.
I enjoy speaking up now...and have learned not to confront, but to share a discussion...sometimes it feels more confrontational, but that isn't intentional from my side. I have come to trust that i am intelligent, well educated, and deserve to be heard.
In school (back in the 80s) I had to fight sexual harassment from those "more powerful" than me...it reinforced that "be seen, not heard" brain meme...
I am not a feminist...I believe that we are all acting and reacting the way that was modeled for us...but to be taken for your outward appearance rather than your abilities was and is demeaning...whether it is from men or women.

Got to run the boys to the doctor...
love you-
Maggie

Can I flow?

I guess channel and flow are the themes of the week.  And questions comes to mind...if I open my heart and channel, where is the fear?  Where will the fear go?  Will the fear go?  Will it be replaced by an appropriate fear?  Because fear can be a good thing if it keeps us from burning ourselves, driving off cliffs, being in intimate relationships with alcoholics.

Your questions are powerful...especially,  Why can't we trust in the abundance of the universe?

I had a memory...I was 5 or 6, we lived with Grammy because Dad was stationed overseas and Mom was trying to find a house for us.  We moved into our own home the next summer, but for about 7 months, we lived with Grammy.  You were the baby. Uncle J. and Cousin M. lived there - this was the wild time when Uncle J's marriage was chaotic.  The Uncles and Aunts were home for holidays and some weekends.   One night we had chili for dinner, and there was a large family group there.  I don't know if someone set one too few places or what, but there was no place for me at the table.  Uncle J started teasing me and saying that there was not enough for me.  I started crying, left the dining room and went upstairs and hid under a bed.  I believed there was not enough for me.  I believed I was not welcome.  A more secure child would have laughed and found a chair...

Even when I was 6 I believed there was not enough.  Our culture had already taught me that there was not enough.

How do we get passed such effective conditioning?

Your other words that screamed at me were: we create enemy so that we have someone to target as the cause of all of our problems...

We do see everything as a war.  Everything is our enemy.  We team up against something outside of us in order to feel a least some camaraderie somewhere in our sterile, isolated existence.  Since we don't have true community we find novel ways to connect.  I watch people create drama, and I have long realized it is a distraction.  We have a drama and we can feel, and life is normal - especially for those who grew up in drama-addicted families.  I just realized that having a common enemy provides a community.  It is a violent and false community, but it's better than feeling abandoned and alone.  I think this may be the roots of bullying.

And maybe the deepest individual roots are in trying to escape being that infant, crying alone in the dark, despairing, knowing no one will come, no one will hold us.

My emotions are high today, and thoughts are swirling...

Love you...Clare.

Becoming a channel

Clare,
"We need to stop hoarding and be in the flow."

That sentence grabs me...
one of my favorite songs/poems is the Prayer of St. Francis...
Make me a channel of your peace...
A channel is an unobstructed conduit, it's purpose is to allow flow...
not to dam it, impede it, block it, or hoard it.
"Make me a channel" is a profound prayer...
a powerful grace...
recited rotely by too many who never incorporate the impact of the words.
So what is it that we hoard?
money,
power,
control,
people,
food,
drugs,
alcohol,
sex,
technology,
facebook friends,
distractions,
knowledge,
religion,
truth,
stuff...
and the list goes on and on...

What does hoarding do for us?
it alleviates our fears of not having enough...

Why can't we trust in the abundance of the universe?
we have been taught to protect what's ours at all costs...
we have been starved emotionally and are trying to make up for that time...
we see everyone else do it so we mimick and try to keep up...
we have lost our connection to the earth...to other humans...to all of creation...
we create enemy so that we have someone to target as the cause of all of our problems...
we create scarcity because it serves our needs...makes us stronger than them...
we live isolated...together...in an illusion of community...but lacking true connection...
We have more on-line friends than real-live friends...and we measure ourselves by the number of "likes" we get when we post a thought or share an experience.

We are lost...and alone...on an overcrowded, fully taxed earth...and we still fail to connect...continue to exploit and manipulate...squeeze every drop of blood from this stone...
failing to recognize that there is enough for all...
society has enough to share and care for her people...
I am enough...perfectly enough...just the way that I am.
I can be no more and no less...I am as I was created...
as are all of us- perfect...

no matter what happened to us as we developed, or as we learned and loved, lost and had to start all over again...life lessons don't lessen us...they make us more complex...stronger...better.
fear has controlled for too long...
yes, I am grateful that it allowed me to survive...
I respect it...
But I choose to no longer allow it to guide me.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring Your love.
Where there is injury your pardon Lord.
And where there's doubt true faith in You.
Where there's dispair in life let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness only Light.
And where there's sadness ever joy.
Oh Master grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console.
To be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
In giving of ourself that we receive.
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.
-St. Francis

Blessing,
Maggie

Passionate, flowing love

I honor your compassion and your awareness.  I read a book, How to Raise Moral Children, when mine were little.  I think you are a success - whether we attribute that to Mom and Dad or to your own hard work.  So many of us can't make that leap to compassion for the perpetrator.  This may be why you left medicine.  You are no longer able to cover symptoms and call it healed.  (Remember George Fox - Wear it as long as you can?  I think you no longer can!)

People aren't just bad.  Something happened to block their innate goodness. 

I think Me, too is the first step.  Humans are tribal.  When we personally think we are bad and unloveable, or when it goes larger and our society labels us as bad and unworthy - trash - we use that word for each other...Me, too restores hope.  As I have said, I thought I was a monster.  The first time I walked into an Al Anon meeting and heard my story from people I respected, it was my big Me, too moment. Everything changed.  Me, too helps us recreate tribe.  We know we are okay and we belong.  Next, maybe we have to go public. 

We are all so very ashamed.  There is still something wildly emotional in me that believes I am disgusting and dirty and worthless. If people truly knew me that would send me away.  Logically, I reject this, but...there is a little girl who is helpless and unloved.  I am still trying to find her and love her, but she is slippery and elusive.  She has survived by lurking in my psyche, quietly, not drawing attention to herself and she pushes the panic button when something or someone frightens her.  She would like to be the safe hermit.  I feel a little schizophrenic here, but it's the best way I have to describe what seems to happen inside of me.

So if we go public, we shine the Light on Me, too.  It is no longer a quiet connection between two people.  It becomes the seed of a tribe of people who are reconnecting. 

I think I have mentioned that I was involved with Re-evaluation Counseling for awhile.  It was not my answer, but it was a great step for me.  The whole premise is to bare yourself and be accepted.  I did most of my work one-on-one with a peer.  No matter what I told her, she had compassion.  She sat near me, holding my hand, encouraging me to talk, to feel, to share.  No matter what I said she simply accepted me.  And it was authentic, because I did the same for her.  We always shared our time equally.  And no matter what she told me I still loved her and accepted her.  She has been one of the biggest gifts in my life.  Neither of us are involved with RC anymore, but we are still involved with each other.

So we go public.  We model compassion and the world will follow.  Humans want to be connected, to be accepted, to connect with to accept...

And again, the fear is real.  It just doesn't apply to us now.  Somehow we have to find a way to bless the fear, to thank it for keeping us alive when we were vulnerable...then release it with love.  Easy to say, but I have absolutely no idea how to do it.  But I think if we try to ignore the fear or silence the fear, it will have to yell louder and will cause more chaos.  Instead acknowledge it with gratitude and ask that part of self to just wait a minute - let's try something new...Words are flowing without much logical thought...but I will be vulnerable and not delete and see if they are still authentic tomorrow.

Because of the grouse ghosts I have been thinking about shamanism again.  I think I feel drawn because of our Saami roots, and  because what we are doing now is not very effective.  I want to go back to something pre-Biblical when I think we were more human, more humane.  I have found some interesting practitioners and teachers.  What blew me away was that one will be teaching at Pendle Hill.  I can't go because it is soon, and I already have plans...but she's teaching at a Quaker retreat center.  That added a lot of weight to my leading.

There was a deeper feeling with the condom story.  I had the impression that we are sick.  All of humanity is weakened by disease, but it is a painful emotional, psychological disease.  We need to be cleansed, to bring our emotions back into balance, maybe...to clear our psyches of the lies and the slime that pollute our true kindness and vulnerability...the loving nature of humans.  But I think the cleansing, the rebirth is possible.  I think we can love each other and heal.

Someone I talked to recently was on a train in Madrid.  Unemployment is soaring there.  Young people, with degrees even, ride the train  all day, in tears, because the current system has blocked them.  They are homeless and hungry and in despair.  I am haunted by this, by what is going on...we need to heal.  We need to love.  We need to stop hoarding and be in the flow...only then will we remember how to be human.

Very philosophical this morning...How is your cat?

Passionate, flowing love to you today!!!

Clare

Why is suffering universal?

Sorry for my absence...my little cat has been ill for about a week and I have spent two days this week at vets trying to figure it out. It seems that she has swallowed a foreign body that temporarily blocked her stomach...hence the 4 days of vomiting..and now is moving through her colon...unfortunately she has not defecated in several days so I fear she may be getting blocked.
She is comfortable and lazy today, so we are just waiting it out.

I had a ruffed grouse die by flying into one of my windows a few years back as well. Unfortunately I have birds fly directly into my windows several times a year...but this grouse flew into the basement patio door...no other bird had gone there.

I remember the goal of the psychics now...my thoughts had clouded on why we were contemplating that step...probably just wishful thinking that someone would complete this journey for me...and then I could live happily ever after...I do understand that it doesn't work that way...we have to work for things that are valuable...so yes, lets try to connect with the ancestors.

I have been working on a paper about perpetrators of abuse...specifically domestic violence. I keep coming to the conclusion that they are deeply hurt and so they lash out at the ones that they love...twisted thought process...but when you can't trust yourself things do get twisted and warped.
I should hate batterers, but I feel great compassion for them...and wish for healing for them.
Why should we allow anyone to suffer? No one deserves to suffer.
No one should have to carry the festering wounds left raw and exposed from childhood trauma...
and no one should cause those scars...even if they carry them too.
How do we stop the violence and abuse cycle?
Is saying me too enough?
How do we prevent the disrespect and maltreatment that cycles, generation after generation?
One theory is to ignore any contributing factors (like a history of child abuse or mental illness) and hold people totally accountable...but how can they be totally accountable when they aren't whole? How can they trust and release control when they were raised in a chaotic and untrustworthy life... when they carry suffering?
It is so sad...it's a sad, vicious, continuous circle...it's so universal.
It's like the condom analogy...we never really connect with each other in an open an vulnerable way because we are broken, scared children at the center, protecting ourselves.

The breakthrough from earlier this week was acknowledging that the fear that haunts and tethers me is not real...
it is only an  illusion...
and I hold myself prisoner because I cling to it as reality...it has been my reality...
afraid to let go and allow events to occur...no, not me.
I am compelled to direct and control the external situation because if I lose control on that level then the internal chaos will become even greater.
I have to consciously tell myself that when I feel that visceral fear reaction that I can choose to turn away from it and choose peace.
I have been  hypervigilant for most of my years that I don't know how to let go...
how to stop...
how to surrender and open...
how to trust.
But all of that will change as I choose to remove the power that fear holds over me...I can release those parts of my brain that are constant alert for danger and begin to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, not just in my safe little corner...but anywhere I find myself and with any person that I choose.

I have to learn to trust...to trust myself enough to trust...to trust in the good and the abundance of the universe and all beings.

Love and blessings,
Maggie

And Now...For Something Completely Different

(Or Clare goes on a tangent...)

I had a conversation with someone today and the premise was:  If there was a vaccine for HIV, would you get it?

I thought that the fear of HIV was the reason so many people practiced safe sex now.   I thought maybe if people lost their fear of AIDS, they would stop using condoms and we would suddenly have a massive rise in the number of cases of syphilis and gonorrhea and even more pregnancies...

I got lost in an image of condoms and was suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that we don't touch each other.   Ever.  If we can help it.  We always keep a protective layer around ourselves.  Then it deepened into an understanding of how sick and damaged we all are.  I felt like our species was frail and weakening and it seemed hopeless.  All the physical damage, all the emotional and psychological damage, it just seemed like too much.  We've got to change or we won't survive...

Plaid pansies

Crying is so good, even if you're just leaking a few tears.  It is cleansing the self with liquid light.  Lately, everything makes me cry.  It is a bit annoying, but oh, so freeing.  I am so happy to be able to cry.

I love your breakthrough.  It is brave of you to stand and wait for the tears, then welcome them.

The dream is still a mass of images.  I hadn't thought about layers of the soul.  I couldn't tell if I was going lower or going deeper.  

I did have an experience with ruffed grouse and maybe that is why the birds showed up in the dream.  I was working at my desk about this time of year, and I think it was two years ago.  I heard a slam.  I ran upstairs to see if anything had fallen, I looked around the house...nothing.  Later I went outside and found a dead "hawk" by the bush outside my window. Then I noticed a bit of down from its chest clinging to the window.  I picked it up, showed the neighbors and my grandkids then buried it.  About 10 days later I was at my desk, on the phone with someone I work with and there was a crash as a big bird came through that same window in an explosion of glass and landed on the floor of my office.  I picked it up as it gasped its last breath.  I realized it was the same kind of bird, and that it wasn't a hawk, it was a ruffed grouse.

A friend who was studying shamanism told me that I had better pay attention to the message of this animal - how much more did it need to do?!?  So I looked it up in a Ted Andrews book.

Sacred Spiral, Sacred Dance

Grouse medicine is the medicine of personal power.
 The Sacred Spiral is one of the
oldest known symbols of personal power.  

(http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/grouse.htm) 

  

It went on to say I should be dancing, and dancing what I want into reality.  And we all know how I feel about dancing.  So to be perfectly weird, I will admit that I did go out and dance in the moonlight, alone, in my backyard, beneath the gaze of the Quaking aspens.

So, I think the grouse returned via this dream, which is so much better than hurtling itself through my window!  In the dream there were two grouse, one had bright colored patches and the other was striped.  (Once I dreamed I was designing plaid pansies...so this fits with my crazy psyche!)

I guess I have to dance...I was walking yesterday, and I stopped and looked at the pond-becoming-swamp, and returned to my previous thoughts - that I have spent much of my life hovering near my body.  I have not been very physical, except maybe when I was pregnant and breastfeeding...could explain why I nursed for so long, and why I loved being pregnant.  To dance, I have to be in my body...and we all know how I feel about dancing.  I am a lunk.  

The initial inspiration for the psychic was to give voice to the grandparents who have been trying to get our attention and tell us something.  It was never to simply tell you/us what happened to us.  I always say we have to walk through the pain.  This is going to take tears...and you are on your way, love. 

C. 

I thought I was finished, but remembered there was a pastel colored turkey in the dream also.

Many saints and mystics have Turkey as a totem.
With a Turkey totem, you have transcended self.
You act and react on behalf of others.
This act is not a sense of moralism or guilt,
but a deep knowledge that all life is sacred.
What you do for others, you also do for yourself.

And my turkey was free, calm, wandering around campus, and baby pastels instead of earthy colors...

And I just realized that the two grouse in the dream were haunting me...and I just told you the story of the two grouse that died here in my office.  I think I found the link.  I need to pay attention to grouse again.  I think I need to look at shamanism a bit more.  I think I am being called or drawn or groused into it...

Goodnight again...C.

 

opening

I had a long talk with my wise friend today. I told her that I feel ready to go deep and asked her to help me go there. She responded much like Glinda, the Good Witch did to Dorothy, she said,"everything you need is already within you."
She listened and then was helping me to feel the difference between opening to the spirit and allowing the healing to happen and closing down out of fear. Every time she said "fear" or "scared" I had a visceral reaction and involuntarily shed tears. I have never had that happen before...to be triggered by a word.
She helped me to feel fear and then to feel peace and opening.
It was an amazing experience.
She encouraged me to be open to let myself trust the universe enough to open to it.

This is hard work...and a scary journey...but I feel as if we are getting close to healing.
I am not sure about the psychic after today's experience. Let me think about it for several days.

The dream has so many twists to it. What do you think it means? The descending the staircase into an identical apartment it intriguing...rooms are symbols of the soul...going deep into the soul is  one possible interpretation...finding fear there fits with my lessons from today.
The colored game birds...I don't know what to think of that. What do you think?

I love you,
Knit well
Maggie

Game birds changing colors

Hi Maggie,

Just to be a little more specific, the night full of dreams was a combination of meditation images and dreams. The definitely dream part started when a friend showed up to my house unexpectedly.  I identified her as another friend in the dream...you know we just accept crazy in a dream.  She came to see the house, and suddenly most of my kids were here, moving things around, helping me create order.  But there was stuff everywhere - and it was this house that I live in......In the midst of the chaos someone drove up and three men came to the back door.  They were gypsies with wrinkled skin, but by their eyes I knew who was oldest and who was youngest.  We all sat in my back entryway and talked for a while.  They were telling me where they were from and I knew, but the names of the places were all different.  We walked outside and there were a lot of people, my family, but also a lot of gypsies of all ages.  There was a stage with music out front.  When we walked out there, we were on a college campus.  I listened to music and then went to my dorm apartment to get moved in.  My apartment was haunted by birds - ruffed grouse, I think, that changed colors and patterns, and by dogs.  I felt spooked, but not afraid.  One of the birds came at me, and I grabbed it by the neck and just held it for a minute wondering if there was a message.  I didn't hurt it, it was not afraid.  I released it and flew to the top of the refrigerator.  I ran out of the apartment, and down a spiral staircase and ended up in an identical apartment.  Someone was there and I was afraid, so I ran.  I got outside and saw a pastel colored turkey - baby pinks and blues and yellows - it also changed colors.  I was still running when the alarm went off and I woke up and thought,  "Wild!"

Until I wrote this, I didn't realize I had the continuing motif of birds changing colors...game birds changing colors.

Your questions are making me uncomfortable.  I do have the feeling I am remembering something, but I don't know if it is an authentic memory, and I am frightened by it.  And it throws me back to questions...I hide in my questions so I don't have to think about the answers.

I looked into the Spiritualist list and found that some of their mediums, who are their clergy, will work with groups and will work by phone.  Would you like me to explore further?  See if I can find someone?  Do you want to go together...even if we are in different states?

Water is liquid light...I wonder if our light gets dirty and swampy if we are afraid to let it flow.....?????

It's been a long day...I am going to wash dishes, then knit for awhile.  I hope you are having a cozy evening, too.

Love, Clare

Floating

Fascinating...
water is liquid light...at a slower vibration.
Slow enough to totally engulf me and cleanse...
The dream is intriguing...
I also had a persistent thought about gypsies this past weekend...
someone said something that reminded me of Dad telling me that wearing earring made me look like a gypsy...it was meant to be an insult...to make me remove them right away...who would want to be a gypsy? I am not sure why, but I did take the earrings out...I can't remember if there were additional threats or not.

I wonder what the significance is?
Wanderers?
Living outside of the 'norm'?
Daring to boldly be true to their heritage?
That all sounds healthy and whole to me...

I want to go deep again...to really shine the Light deeply into the corners and see, once and for all, what hides there.
Do you have any more memories?
Is there anything else that is nagging at you that might be a key?
I would like to do this work without the help of psychics or hypnosis...2 options that I have been considering...but I just can't find the opening...the spring that feeds the swamp...

I am searching my brain for an opening...it's like I am floating on the surface, unable to submerge myself...
and I think that I should be searching my heart...
but I am not sure how to access that on demand...
I have always been plunged into my heart by outside circumstances and have done some work while it was open...
how do I consciously access that part of me?

I believe that I will sit in the quiet for a while and just be.
I have the house to myself  (and my animals) for about 30 minutes...
perhaps I can sink into my heart...a little.

Love and shalom,
Maggie

Swamped

I do agree with you.  I truly believe all humans are born good and kind and intelligent.  Every single one of us.  Then violence, both from the system - our institutionalized violence, and for many of us - a more focused, personalized attack - begins to destroy our humanity.  Our kindness begins to erode away from our souls, we begin to retreat and hide, ashamed of whatever it is in us that deserved to be beaten or abused or so detested.  And somehow, in some of us, we adopt the behaviors. We learn that this is what the powerful does to the weak.  We normalize what happened to us by inflicting it on others.  What a thwarted way to find Me, too.

This really was the seed of this exchange between us for me.  For years I thought our brothers were just bad people.  Then as I began to realize that I know people are good, I started to reevaulate what happened.  I remember how nauseous I felt when I realized that the only way they could be sexually abusing you and S#3 was if someone bigger, stronger, more powerful had taught them about sexual abuse - experientially.  They are damaged, they are in pain.  I feel compassion now, for them, and so for all abusers.  But that doesn't make it acceptable to abuse.  But perhaps it means that they can be healed.

Modern medicine gives us the theory, maybe, that if the symptoms are gone, the problem is okay.  So if there is pain, we take an analgesic rather than look for the source of the pain.  It's easier.  This relates to the behavioral therapies.  Make the behavior stop.  It now looks okay.  And it's the same with dealing with abusers.  Say they are bad and either fix them or incarcerate them.  Now it looks okay.  And life is so much easier when we don't have to look at why the abuse happens.

Jerry Sandusky was just sentenced.  I wonder what happened to him.  Who raped him when he was 8 or 10 and taught him to accept the pain, the shame, the humiliation, to accept the knowledge that his body was not his, that he was simply a sex toy for a wounded man?  What happened to his wife to silence her, to blind her to the pain being inflicted on children in her own home?


So, I had a wild night, after visiting the swamp yesterday.  I went into the swamp last night.  Then I had a wild dream.

I have two guides that I work with frequently.  Both were with me last night.  One taught me, years ago, that when I wanted to heal someone or something, I should not use my own Light.  I would exhaust myself that way.  I needed to open myself to the Universal Light and let it stream through me.  

I dove into the pond that is becoming swamp and began struggling in the cold, muddy mess. I couldn't find my way through.  I was trying to find the place where the spring fed the pond, and I "saw" a buffalo wallow, but then I saw mammoths.  The ancient energy of mammoth was stuck in old emotions, every experience was interpreted in the light of those old emotions.  Rain brings some fresh water, but not enough to rinse those old emotions away.

I learned that water is liquid light...light at a thickened vibration.

Simply draining a swamp makes it easier to function, I am no longer cold and dirty, but my heart is closed and I live in my mind.  By doing do, I become untouchable...but that is safe because everything is under control.

To be healthy, to heal, I must open the source of the stream of fresh water.  Heart opens, emotions flow...and somehow we have an open channel...emotions flow away though our feet?  knees?  eyes? I'm not sure.  I guess we have different lifestyle choices.

There was more, but I am still processing...

And finally, as we get older and the swamp dried, we can function, we are faster, but it takes guts to stray out of the known clearing and go into the forest.  Not trusting the trees means not trusting your ancestors...

I think I will process the dream a little more, and post about it tomorrow, if I can make sense of it.  But I can tell you - there were gypsies!

More later...C.

all men are created equal...and then some experience abuse

Clare,
Sorry, I have immersed myself in domestic violence for the sake of 2 papers that I must write. I am looking at it from the perspective of the perpetrator and what is the best intervention for them. It pulls me back into the slime in some ways. I am most disheartened to read time and time again how the perpetrators are considered less than human. The interventions purposefully ignore their history of abuse or traumas, their mental health issues, their substance abuse issues...all in the name of maaking them take full responsibility for their violent actions.
We humans are so broken...we grasp at ways of making ourself better than another person...as long as someone else is worse off than I am I must be OK.
When will we stop hiding and see that Light in all beings?

I have had my biggest moments through tears, through that cleansing water. I have cried only a handful of times...but when I have cried my world changed...it was like a chink in the armour...each time allowing a little Light to escape and a little more life to penetrate the walls surrounding my heart.

I cannot imagine how I will feel when my last child moves out of my house. They are growing and maturing so fast. My youngest towers over me...even slightly taller than his 5'11'' sister...and his attitudes are changing...my influence on him decreases as his peers and teachers' influences increase. I am in awe of all of my children. I cannot hinder their growth and maturation...I can onlt do my best to assist where I am needed.

I understand the curiosity of the people that I met this past weekend. I understand their difficulty believing that someone would trade a high paying career for a career that pays less...what I don't understand is their apparent devaluing of social work in relation to medicine...is it all a question of financial benefit or do they really believe that medicine is superior? I wonder if their remarks are  motivated by a sense of the comparative lack of worth of what thay do. From my perspective both are equally demanding and satisfying careers...one just pays more than the other.

I have to turn in for the night...Husband has already gone that way.
I will check back in tomorrow...
until then,
Maggie

Swampy

I went for a hike.  I saw a small pond which is becoming a swamp and a swamp that is becoming dry land.   I was gifted with lots of images to play with.

- I noticed that the swamp is surrounded by higher land, which holds the wet in and oversaturates the area.
- I noticed that there are certain plants that scream swamp/wetland to me.
- I noticed that nothing tall grows in the wetland.   

Emotions are water, if you look at traditional symbolism.  If we are Earth/our bodies are Earth,  the water/emotions keep us clean. Think of cleansing tears.  If we are inside our walls, the water/emotion stands and dissolves the physical self, it lessens the variety of life around us, it obscures the safe places to stand.  When the water/emotions can flow, we are connected by the flow which continues forever.  The water is clean and it supports such a wide variety of life...

The plants that let me know the land is wet are eupatoriums, cat tail, sedges, rushes, sensitive fern.  I wonder if this relates to the way damaged people can find each other. People who are healthy are outside of my scope.  I notice and respond to people who understand drama and the swirling mess.  Calm, tidy,well-supported and therefore supportive, prepared for anything - no, I don't do that.        

The pond that is becoming a swamp is being taken over by cat tails.  What were a few decoratively scattered on the edges are now expanded further and further into the center.  I have been told that there is a natural spring feeding the pond.  Maybe the spring is blocked or has been rerouted.  There is less fresh water, less movement/less flow and so we have a swamp.  The swamp that seems to be disappearing is definitely swampier in the spring.  But now, in mid-autumn, it is soft, but not so soft that I sink at all.  And it is full of goldenrod.  Goldenrod is warm and spicy.  It's a crone's herb.  I think perhaps goldenrod should be my torch.

I waded through the weeds and emerged covered in cockleburs - which are agrimony seeds.  Agrimony has been one of my best healers.  It reminded my to release tension.  It also inspired me to think about the way I watch life from the edges.  Agrimony is an edgekeeper...

I also came home and found a tick.  I thought that Saturday's killing frost meant no more bugs, especially ticks.  I found one on my arm and freaked out just a bit.  I stripped into the washer and poured on the soap and started the cycle. And now, every time I feel a strand of hair touch my skin, I jump and check to make sure there are no little bloodsuckers hoping to dine on me.         

So, tonight I will try to go through the swamp again.  I'll see if my walk has opened my perceptions enough to have a clue about what I am doing!

Love from Clare

Maybe I'm not quite done.  Many of the herbs that grow in swampy areas heal kidneys.  In Chinese facial diagnosis, dark baggy circles under the eyes help diagnose kidney weakness or kidney disease.  Grandma always had that, and I have it to.  According to one source tinnitus can also relate to kidney disease.  I was taught that high pitched ringing can indicate kidney weakness.  I have had that all of my life. 

And according to Chinese theory of medicine:

Chinese medicine believes that the Kidney encompasses our whole genetic makeup, providing the human body with the vital substance of its being at birth. This Essence is acquired from parents, determines a person's constitutional strength and vitality, and is supported through life with proper nutrition and lifestyle.
(http://www.acupuncture-services.com/basic-theory/chinese-medicine-diagnosis/the-kidney-in-chinese-medicine.php)

I think Grandma spent her life in the swamp. I think I am back to relating to her...maybe there is something more to learn from her.

Teary

Hi Maggie,

This feels like a traditional letter...So, How are you?

I'm not sure how I am.  I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness last night and I just wanted to cry and cry and cry some more.  I don't know what started it.  But it was hard to shake. I still feel closed and tight and almost achey today.

The fact that I am feeling, and recognizing the emotions is good. I just wish I knew what was triggering it, so I could focus specifically on that.  Maybe it is because my youngest is moving out of my home and into a trailer with her boyfriend.  I am excited about having my house to myself, but I am sad that I am no longer anyone's mom.  But...I don't want to be the active mother any more, even though I mourn the passing of this part of my life. 

Just like the cat chasing its tail,  watch Clare chase herself in an emotional circle!

I also think my sadness is coming from our work here.  I hit something/someplace numb.  Maybe it is thawing - which always hurts...a lot.

It is a beautiful autumn day - warmish and breezy.  I think I will walk over to the swamp after I eat lunch and just sit there for awhile.  I think that will knock something loose.  Being in nature usually does for me.  If it does, I will be back.  If it doesn't, I will just spend some more time in tears.

love you,

C.

Boring Sunday

I always appreciate meeting someone whose past is similar to mine. I appreciate finding someone who understands.  But I really like that the mirror is a little off, giving me a different view.  Am I making sense this morning?  The similarities, the Me too, are comforting, but the differences grant a new view of what happened to us.

I can't wait to hear what spills from you as you begin to process the last few days.  And about the career question - aren't we a culture of money and status?  I wonder how many people wondered why you were giving up your status...

I had a quiet day yesterday, just what I needed.  But I don't have much to share.  I seem to have things percolating deep, but nothing is bubbling to the surface.

I promised to help with a neighbor's children today, so...Boring me!

But I love you!

C.

Reflections

I walked out this morning at 7 am, into the cold to load my luggage because I would be too busy to check out later in the morning.
It was so crisp...the sun was bright...
so bright it hurt my eyes...
I've been inside running at a feverish pace for two days...
it felt so alive and yet it was very quiet, despite being in a very public place.
Then, regretfully, I had to go back inside to my duties.

I think a psychic is intriguing and has potential. The question is when I could get away to actually go there. It would probably not be until early December at the earliest.

So this weekend was really interesting.
It helped me to solidify my understanding of alot of life events.
I presented my research from last year during a reception on Thursday. I had as many people ask me why I stopped practicing medicine for social work than I did about my research.
People don't seem to understand it. So I did my best to tell my story as briefly as possible.
The bottom line is this...I gave up success for significance.

I had several wonderful discussions with young women this weekend. One is the office's part time tech person who is also a med student...we get along very well...she was asking about my family of origin and how they have reacted to my education and "success"...she is having difficulty with her family understanding her and she perceives negativity from them. I shared that we grew up with hardships and how it has been difficult to maintain contact and connection with siblings and parents. I shared a little about the current state of the union (or disunion) for our family and how everyone seems to have their own "version" of growing up.
She is also from a family of 9, lower socioeconomic status, we are much alike, although she is a minority.
I see her shining despite her difficulties...
I see her courage...
I see her beauty...
her tenacity...
her will to have a better life...
And I see myself...30 years ago.
I told her parts of my story so that she might see that waiting until she is 50 to self-reflect and attempt to heal will waste 30 years of her life...
not a complete waste of time and energy...but not living at full capacity either...merely surviving.
She is truly amazing.
It was an opening experience for me as well. I shared the lessons that I have learned the hard way...
but I was also able to see that I have learned and have grown...
I am becoming healthier...
I am able to process the painful and chaotic and see that peace is seeping in...allowing that pain to heal and transform into wisdom.

I spoke with an older gentleman for many hours this weekend as well...he told me the story of his divorce after 33 years of marriage. I saw his pain and confusion about a wife who was unhappy and left after many years...he worked all of the time to make her happy...and she wanted him to be home and available...I was able to process alot of the events and feelings from my own separation from this conversation.
I believe that despite the exhaustive demands of this weekend I was in the right place, at the right time, and in the right frame of mind to have these discussions.
I gained better insights into some of the events, my reactions, and the way that my life story has unfolded.

Healing is happening...we will thrive...
Love and blessings,
Maggie

These Broken Wings CAN Heal - Then We'll Fly!

Good morning little sister,

I hope you slept long and slept well, and woke up to cheerfully greet this lovely Saturday.  We had a heavy frost.  When I pushed my little dog out the door, and her paws hit icy grass, she looked over her shoulder - a bit reproachfully - was I really going to make her go out in this cold?  I did.  I am a nasty human!  She is almost 14 years old now, and so she knows winter.  She knows it comes, and then the spring begins.  With her health lately, I wonder if she will see another spring.  When that happens I will be without a dog for the first time since 1985.  Unless another finds me or draws me...

I had a friend who was working on a hypnosis certification and used me as a test subject - this was back in the 90s.  We worked fairly well together.  I learned that you have to trust your therapist implicitly.  Otherwise, you stay shallow enough to protect self.  Is that the reasoning of an abusee?  We worked a lot with past lives, which was fascinating.  I also worked a bit on my inability to be in a relationship with Dad.  I identified the fact that we had slime through our family line.  I saw the slime oozing through the generations for countless generations.  It went so far back I couldn't find the initial breach.  I faced his attitudes and reactions to me as a child - my feeling was that he thought we were dirty and disgusting.  (I think I had the image of him choking as he changed a crappy diaper!)  On a deeper level, was he/I recognizing and reacting to the slime? 

Hypnotherapy might be an answer.  Or it might offer another piece of the puzzle.

As I write and think I have had music on in the background.  A song by Mary Black just drew my full attention.  It is Broken Wings.

A tall tree turn and face the west
 Oh we're running with the wind  
A high clifftop we're waiting with the rest  
For this journey to begin

Chorus
But these broken wings won't fly 

These broken wings won't fly  

These broken wings won't fly at all

And oh how we laugh but maybe we should crawl  

And ask to be excused

We shout loudly, have answers to it all  

Oh but we have been refused

Chorus

Girl child You're dancing with the stream 

Growing with the silver trees  

Your young questions  

You ask me what it means  

Oh but I am not at ease

These lyrics speak to me and to our conditions. But I think our journey has begun.  We are on our way, although we are not yet at ease.  Soon we'll fly.  That is how we'll know we are healing!

My youngest is adjusting.  A baby was not in her immediate plans.  But everything can be a gift.  I have suddenly, in the past weeks, seen the woman she has potential to become.  She has needed to grow up, and this is a hard way to do it, but it can be an effective way.  I think the reality of her future is becoming - real.

And this will be my second Taurean grandchild...cool!!

If you do want to try the Spiritualist mediums? I can try to locate someone through their church.  Maybe we could all work by conference call, or maybe you can spend a day or two here.

Enjoy your weekend...Looking forward to your next missive!

Love, Clare