I had a Quaker weekend. It was our Spring Gathering. I tend to be pretty heavily involved in youth programming - I serve on regional committee for teens, developing community building activities. But since I am the oldest, I tend to stay out of their actual programs much of the time. Instead, this weekend, I was with the younger kids. In the course of playing, I fell backwards, caught myself on one wrist - and broke it. It was an excruciating weekend...not because of the pain in my wrist, which was noticeable, but because I had to be seen, because I had to be helped. I had to accept help.
I am the posterboard for this country. I work 38 hours a week - part-time - so I don't have benefits. That is frightening when something happens. A Friend, someone I have known for years is a family doc. He took over. He talked to urgent care, took me there, sat with me, offered immediate second opinions. He was calm and warm and gentle and accepting and I had no option but to accept it. He paid the upfront fees, knowing meeting would reimburse him. (I am crying as I write this, awkwardly with one hand.)
Friends sat with me, mothered me, one dear Friend kissed my boo-boo. Someone offered to help me dress. I went to our healers and asked for help and two Friends did some energy work.
I was partly cringing - this isn't for me, and partly basking - I'm truly present, people know I am here.
My daughter woke up from her nap and interrupted my tears...more later. Until then, I heal.
Love you, Clare
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
rambling tonight
What a beautiful dream.
It is comforting to know that the afterlife isn't somewhere far off...just a different frequency of energy.
So today I did my final presentation today...it went pretty well.
I have to submit the paper that goes along with it by Tuesday and then I am officially finished.
What a sense of relief...
and fatigue...
I have been sleeping so much this week, just knowing the end was in sight, I let my guard down.
So now I have to give my final exam to my students on Tuesday.
Hooding on the 11th, graduation on the 12th
Life is settling down...at least until I find a job...
I did wonder how the group experience would have been different if I had talked about abuse early on in the process, but it didn't seem to be necessary at that time. But perhaps it would have made a big difference in attitudes...lessons learned
I think I'm going to ask my marketing major daughter to work on that ad...I think it could work...at least start it locally.
I am going to start singing again next week...
probably not the smartest thing I've ever done considering my allergies are terrible right now, but if I put it off any longer I won't get to it.
Singing makes my soul happy.
I think I am going to give my mentor one of my CD's this week, since classes have finished...she's hosting a "send off" for us...at least I can give her a little piece of myself.
I am rambling this evening. I think it's time to sign off and pick up a book...let someone else's ideas flow.
I love you,
Maggie
It is comforting to know that the afterlife isn't somewhere far off...just a different frequency of energy.
So today I did my final presentation today...it went pretty well.
I have to submit the paper that goes along with it by Tuesday and then I am officially finished.
What a sense of relief...
and fatigue...
I have been sleeping so much this week, just knowing the end was in sight, I let my guard down.
So now I have to give my final exam to my students on Tuesday.
Hooding on the 11th, graduation on the 12th
Life is settling down...at least until I find a job...
I did wonder how the group experience would have been different if I had talked about abuse early on in the process, but it didn't seem to be necessary at that time. But perhaps it would have made a big difference in attitudes...lessons learned
I think I'm going to ask my marketing major daughter to work on that ad...I think it could work...at least start it locally.
I am going to start singing again next week...
probably not the smartest thing I've ever done considering my allergies are terrible right now, but if I put it off any longer I won't get to it.
Singing makes my soul happy.
I think I am going to give my mentor one of my CD's this week, since classes have finished...she's hosting a "send off" for us...at least I can give her a little piece of myself.
I am rambling this evening. I think it's time to sign off and pick up a book...let someone else's ideas flow.
I love you,
Maggie
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Eclipse
We need both. We need "I am" to do what we're supposed to do, to explore what we're supposed to discover, to feel and experience. We also need "Me too!" to remember we are part of the whole.
Telling your group why the DV project was so important to you was vulnerable. You allowed yourself to be seen and expected to be heard. I wonder if people would listen if it was shared right from the beginning. Your team members would understand your passion, and you wouldn't have to go through those feelings of frustration when you felt like no one else cared about the importance of what you were doing.
I like your commercial idea. Do you ever watch Glee? There was one where everyone word a T-shirt with a label. The commercial could have the same. Grandma's to young babies wearing T-shirts that say Raped, Punched, Burned, Shoved Down the Stairs, Told I Am Ugly...It might make people gasp. (Especially if the labels are all true.)
I had a dream two nights ago that is staying on my mind. It included a F/friend who died about a year and a half ago. She had leukemia. She left two teenagers behind. She was a wonderful person. I visited her once, went to help out with some errands, when she was quite sick. She greeted me with tea, and questions about my kids. Not a drop of self-pity, nothing but joy.
We were walking and talking together in the dream. I was aware that she was dead, and I was not. But I had that feeling of having no edges...just like my friend. As we walked, we passed her son, and she stopped and kissed him on his forehead. He didn't see us, or acknowledge us, but he stopped for a moment and looked up.
It was a beautiful, sad, joyful dream. I woke up confused...
Then last night, I stepped out of my body, exposed myself, and it was no big drama. I didn't feel the fear of being seen or of being an attractive woman.
Today is an eclipse. Every eclipse brings something difficult. I wonder what I will get this time...waiting with open heart.
Love to you,
Clare
Telling your group why the DV project was so important to you was vulnerable. You allowed yourself to be seen and expected to be heard. I wonder if people would listen if it was shared right from the beginning. Your team members would understand your passion, and you wouldn't have to go through those feelings of frustration when you felt like no one else cared about the importance of what you were doing.
I like your commercial idea. Do you ever watch Glee? There was one where everyone word a T-shirt with a label. The commercial could have the same. Grandma's to young babies wearing T-shirts that say Raped, Punched, Burned, Shoved Down the Stairs, Told I Am Ugly...It might make people gasp. (Especially if the labels are all true.)
I had a dream two nights ago that is staying on my mind. It included a F/friend who died about a year and a half ago. She had leukemia. She left two teenagers behind. She was a wonderful person. I visited her once, went to help out with some errands, when she was quite sick. She greeted me with tea, and questions about my kids. Not a drop of self-pity, nothing but joy.
We were walking and talking together in the dream. I was aware that she was dead, and I was not. But I had that feeling of having no edges...just like my friend. As we walked, we passed her son, and she stopped and kissed him on his forehead. He didn't see us, or acknowledge us, but he stopped for a moment and looked up.
It was a beautiful, sad, joyful dream. I woke up confused...
Then last night, I stepped out of my body, exposed myself, and it was no big drama. I didn't feel the fear of being seen or of being an attractive woman.
Today is an eclipse. Every eclipse brings something difficult. I wonder what I will get this time...waiting with open heart.
Love to you,
Clare
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Speaking up...Me Too
I kept flashing back to the TED talk by Jill Bolte Taylor as I read your post...
I am...we are
I have always believed that "I am" was the most powerful statement...
but after I saw that video I realize that that statement propagates the disconnect...
I have to rethink this.
So I sat with a state senator today asking for money for domestic violence...speaking about the need and the continued cycle that occurs...He offered verbal support but said that funding is very tight all over...and Blah, Blah, Blah.
Then on the way back I was riding with the director of the shelter, we were talking about effective outreach...I suggested an ad that had people stepping forward, joining hands and saying Me Too...I even thought of "Break the silence, Break the cycle". She really liked it. I was surprised, and very happy that she understood the concept.
Then, I had class, the last class that I had a group presentation on domestic violence and a prevention program. This project was fraught with serious frustration because most of the group was treating it as just an assignment to do before graduation. At the end we all had to reflect on the process, and the first two men spoke of not being organized or not caring about DV at all...
and I had to speak up.
I stepped forward and said,
"I am passionate about DV. I care very deeply because I am a survivor of abuse. This project was more than an assignment and I am committed to it."
Well, that got their attention and drew apologies, which was not my intention. I just wanted them to understand that this is closer than they know. I feel good about the honesty and the disclosure.
Anyway...
sometimes things just need to be said.
I love you,
Maggie
I am...we are
I have always believed that "I am" was the most powerful statement...
but after I saw that video I realize that that statement propagates the disconnect...
I have to rethink this.
So I sat with a state senator today asking for money for domestic violence...speaking about the need and the continued cycle that occurs...He offered verbal support but said that funding is very tight all over...and Blah, Blah, Blah.
Then on the way back I was riding with the director of the shelter, we were talking about effective outreach...I suggested an ad that had people stepping forward, joining hands and saying Me Too...I even thought of "Break the silence, Break the cycle". She really liked it. I was surprised, and very happy that she understood the concept.
Then, I had class, the last class that I had a group presentation on domestic violence and a prevention program. This project was fraught with serious frustration because most of the group was treating it as just an assignment to do before graduation. At the end we all had to reflect on the process, and the first two men spoke of not being organized or not caring about DV at all...
and I had to speak up.
I stepped forward and said,
"I am passionate about DV. I care very deeply because I am a survivor of abuse. This project was more than an assignment and I am committed to it."
Well, that got their attention and drew apologies, which was not my intention. I just wanted them to understand that this is closer than they know. I feel good about the honesty and the disclosure.
Anyway...
sometimes things just need to be said.
I love you,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Transitions
Kids' behavior can change for so many reasons. But I think you are a savvy parent to notice when something is different. And keep in mind, they often won't tell what is bothering them or what happened - if something does happen. I think we have to expect the best, but be aware.
It does suck that we always jump to the worst conclusion, though. It's all a part of that worry pattern we inherited.
We are linked to the body and its pain. That is half of the reason we numb. They other half is to soothe the psyche that carries the emotional pain of the betrayal of abuse.
As I walked yesterday, I watched my shadow stride along the ground, and the thought returned - It was not supposed to be this hard! This Earth, this physical experience is supposed to stretch us, but it's not supposed to be this painful. We are all in pain, we are all so separate. I just know way down deep, it's not the way it's supposed to be.
We should be able to love each other back to health. But that means being vulnerable...and allowing someone to love us back...harp, harp, harp...same old crap.
Take a breath and find something to sing about.
My little dog is preparing to transition. She's not quite in her body any more. Pretty soon I will be burying her with the other two out back. This little spaniel has been part of this family for 14 years. We have had her since she was so small she fit on my hand. It is beautiful, but awful to release them. I sat with my hand on my husky as he blew his spirit out. It was agonizingly beautiful. Now I have to do it again - to let go. At the same time a dear friend is releasing her spirit. She is 93, and she has had an interesting life - so many experiences. It is time, but we will miss her. She became a grandma figure to my children.
I am feeling soft. Like I have no distinct edges. I know these beloved beings are leaving, and I am staying.
I love you, my sister...Clare
It does suck that we always jump to the worst conclusion, though. It's all a part of that worry pattern we inherited.
We are linked to the body and its pain. That is half of the reason we numb. They other half is to soothe the psyche that carries the emotional pain of the betrayal of abuse.
As I walked yesterday, I watched my shadow stride along the ground, and the thought returned - It was not supposed to be this hard! This Earth, this physical experience is supposed to stretch us, but it's not supposed to be this painful. We are all in pain, we are all so separate. I just know way down deep, it's not the way it's supposed to be.
We should be able to love each other back to health. But that means being vulnerable...and allowing someone to love us back...harp, harp, harp...same old crap.
Take a breath and find something to sing about.
My little dog is preparing to transition. She's not quite in her body any more. Pretty soon I will be burying her with the other two out back. This little spaniel has been part of this family for 14 years. We have had her since she was so small she fit on my hand. It is beautiful, but awful to release them. I sat with my hand on my husky as he blew his spirit out. It was agonizingly beautiful. Now I have to do it again - to let go. At the same time a dear friend is releasing her spirit. She is 93, and she has had an interesting life - so many experiences. It is time, but we will miss her. She became a grandma figure to my children.
I am feeling soft. Like I have no distinct edges. I know these beloved beings are leaving, and I am staying.
I love you, my sister...Clare
Monday, April 22, 2013
It is time to breathe and sing and laugh and meditate again....
I actually stayed at my house today...
just me and the animals...
I worked on my final assignments and I took 2 walks.
I took the boys shopping after school and it was nice to laugh and just be with them.
You talk about leaving our bodies because of the abuse...
hovering near but failing to have an earthly experience...
but we're still tied down to the body and its pain.
You are so right that we are changed by abuse...
every cell is changed when one experiences violence...
especially when the person is supposed to be a family...
then you are most vulnerable.
It has left me distrustful and vigilant for the rest of my life, for example...
One of my children stayed overnight at a friend's house on Saturday.
When he came home on Sunday he was very tired and short tempered.
He took 4 showers in less than 24 hours and yelled at me this morning to leave him alone.
He is not usually like this...he isn't a morning person, but he is never angry.
My first thought was someone has hurt him...
I spent the day wondering what could have happened...
When he got home from school I explained that he wasn't acting like himself and asked if anything had happened. He denied anything happening...just that they stayed up way too late.
I cannot help myself from jumping to the conclusion that someone has done something to my babies.
I cannot be logical and tell myself he is just tired.
I cannot believe that they are safe, because the world is not a safe place to live.
I hate living like this...vigilant, overly responsive, distrustful, reactive.
In quiet moments I do know that the world is a good place and that there are many loving beings here...
but as soon as something seems off...I jump to conclusions...negative conclusions...and I run the scenarios through my head...warding off the worst.
I cannot wait to breathe again.
I cannot wait to sing again.
I cannot wait to meditate again.
I cannot wait to laugh with my kids again...
heck, I'm even looking forward to cleaning and cooking regularly again.
I am just amazed that all of that was put to the sidelines during this graduate program.
Thanks for the encouragement...
Love and Light,
Maggie
just me and the animals...
I worked on my final assignments and I took 2 walks.
I took the boys shopping after school and it was nice to laugh and just be with them.
You talk about leaving our bodies because of the abuse...
hovering near but failing to have an earthly experience...
but we're still tied down to the body and its pain.
You are so right that we are changed by abuse...
every cell is changed when one experiences violence...
especially when the person is supposed to be a family...
then you are most vulnerable.
It has left me distrustful and vigilant for the rest of my life, for example...
One of my children stayed overnight at a friend's house on Saturday.
When he came home on Sunday he was very tired and short tempered.
He took 4 showers in less than 24 hours and yelled at me this morning to leave him alone.
He is not usually like this...he isn't a morning person, but he is never angry.
My first thought was someone has hurt him...
I spent the day wondering what could have happened...
When he got home from school I explained that he wasn't acting like himself and asked if anything had happened. He denied anything happening...just that they stayed up way too late.
I cannot help myself from jumping to the conclusion that someone has done something to my babies.
I cannot be logical and tell myself he is just tired.
I cannot believe that they are safe, because the world is not a safe place to live.
I hate living like this...vigilant, overly responsive, distrustful, reactive.
In quiet moments I do know that the world is a good place and that there are many loving beings here...
but as soon as something seems off...I jump to conclusions...negative conclusions...and I run the scenarios through my head...warding off the worst.
I cannot wait to breathe again.
I cannot wait to sing again.
I cannot wait to meditate again.
I cannot wait to laugh with my kids again...
heck, I'm even looking forward to cleaning and cooking regularly again.
I am just amazed that all of that was put to the sidelines during this graduate program.
Thanks for the encouragement...
Love and Light,
Maggie
perspective
Interesting thoughts. I remembered the spider slashing my back to make room for my spirit to get in. And now you have mentioned my wrists as the way my spirit got out. Since slit wrists are so obviously suicidal, I thought it might symbolize the way I abandoned my body and all the pain inside.
I can't help but return to the thought that we store abuse in our bodies, then try to escape the pain by hovering nearby. We don't feel the pain, but we miss the joy of being on this planet...of being physical.
I went for a two hour walk with a dear friend yesterday. We talked about many of the things you and I talk about here. As we were hiking back up the hill I said - I feel my feet. She asked if I had been unable to feel them before this (She is used to my strangeness!) I described not feeling my body. I don't taste my food. I don't feel my breaths. I don't revel in the gift of being physical. So we both paid attention to our feet, our legs, our hips - carrying us up the hill. I felt really young for a few minutes...
Her dog was with us, off leash, enjoying every moment. We joked that we should have a joy club and spend time acting like the dog.
When we walked yesterday, I thought I knew where we were. But we got off on a side-trail and I wasn't sure where we were going. We came to a house and barn I had never seen before. It was like fairyland - a farm in my neighborhood I didn't know. I couldn't place anything. Then I realized I was behind my neighbor's house. I don't see it from that angle. I loved that moment when my brain readjusted the pieces and the Light dawned on my confusion. I wondered how many other familiar things seems alien in our lives simply because we see them from a different angle...
Going for a walk. Gonna keep up the momentum of yesterday's ramble. And maybe get a little Vitamin D!
You are almost there. The finish line is in sight. You will finish in grace.
Love to you from Clare
I can't help but return to the thought that we store abuse in our bodies, then try to escape the pain by hovering nearby. We don't feel the pain, but we miss the joy of being on this planet...of being physical.
I went for a two hour walk with a dear friend yesterday. We talked about many of the things you and I talk about here. As we were hiking back up the hill I said - I feel my feet. She asked if I had been unable to feel them before this (She is used to my strangeness!) I described not feeling my body. I don't taste my food. I don't feel my breaths. I don't revel in the gift of being physical. So we both paid attention to our feet, our legs, our hips - carrying us up the hill. I felt really young for a few minutes...
Her dog was with us, off leash, enjoying every moment. We joked that we should have a joy club and spend time acting like the dog.
When we walked yesterday, I thought I knew where we were. But we got off on a side-trail and I wasn't sure where we were going. We came to a house and barn I had never seen before. It was like fairyland - a farm in my neighborhood I didn't know. I couldn't place anything. Then I realized I was behind my neighbor's house. I don't see it from that angle. I loved that moment when my brain readjusted the pieces and the Light dawned on my confusion. I wondered how many other familiar things seems alien in our lives simply because we see them from a different angle...
Going for a walk. Gonna keep up the momentum of yesterday's ramble. And maybe get a little Vitamin D!
You are almost there. The finish line is in sight. You will finish in grace.
Love to you from Clare
Sunday, April 21, 2013
images from your dreams
Hello Claire,
I keep re-eading your dream...
I was getting caught up by the slit wrists...
It just engaged my attention...
and I was taken back to my residency days when a young women came into the ER with multiple knife wounds up and down her arms and thighs. There were even some on her abdomen. What made this really intriguing and sad was that the wounds were self inflicted. When I talked with her she denied suicidal intention...she was trying to release the spirits that were tormenting her.
Maybe that was the message behind the image in your dream? Maybe that was the point of exit for your soul and spirit? The thought just sticks with me.
The other thing that I am thinking about is that the soul and spirit are not abandoning the physical body...they are caring for it and staying with it.
I also like the statement that the earth (mother earth) has the purpose of helping us to heal.
I spent the day in a park handing out wildflower seeds for earth day, representing my monthly meeting. I usually don't like outreach activities, but I had several wonderful conversations with people. It was a good day.
One week to go to the completion of my degree...it is time.
Love to all,
Maggie
I keep re-eading your dream...
I was getting caught up by the slit wrists...
It just engaged my attention...
and I was taken back to my residency days when a young women came into the ER with multiple knife wounds up and down her arms and thighs. There were even some on her abdomen. What made this really intriguing and sad was that the wounds were self inflicted. When I talked with her she denied suicidal intention...she was trying to release the spirits that were tormenting her.
Maybe that was the message behind the image in your dream? Maybe that was the point of exit for your soul and spirit? The thought just sticks with me.
The other thing that I am thinking about is that the soul and spirit are not abandoning the physical body...they are caring for it and staying with it.
I also like the statement that the earth (mother earth) has the purpose of helping us to heal.
I spent the day in a park handing out wildflower seeds for earth day, representing my monthly meeting. I usually don't like outreach activities, but I had several wonderful conversations with people. It was a good day.
One week to go to the completion of my degree...it is time.
Love to all,
Maggie
Mental Turmoil - what's new
http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
Often while cleaning my house, I turn on a TED lecture, really loud, and think while I make my way through the mundane world of dirty dishes and dusty floors.
I love synchronicity. The right voice, the right off-hand remark, the right page are available and I can't miss it.
So, yesterday TED had a list of talks about life changing thoughts or events. Listed first was the talk by Jill Bolte Taylor - the address is above. Jill does brain research and so she had a deeper understanding of what was happening to her as she had a stroke.
I just had an episode where I felt the separation of spirit, soul and body. Jill described it all beautifully. Our left brain is soulful, our right brain is spirit-connection. It was so comforting to have someone else confirm my interpretations of the other night.
(I immediately sent the Taylor talk to my sister, but she already read the book!)
Back to my thoughts about the family gathering. I am not trying to sway your thoughts. I trust you to do what is right. I am exposing my own turmoil. Every time we have a family gathering, I go though this. I am so torn about going. I don't feel like part of the family. I feel like everyone else fits together better without me. This time it has been a bit easier. All of my kids want to go. They want the memories, the connection with family, a look at their roots. Granted, they are not getting the full view, but it does give them a sense of belonging to someone. That is important.
Damn, we are such an unhealthy group to belong to! But my kids are a bit healthier - am I justifying? They struggle with alcohol, but there's no sexual abuse.
Youngest is getting up...time for me to start my day.
Love you, Clare
Often while cleaning my house, I turn on a TED lecture, really loud, and think while I make my way through the mundane world of dirty dishes and dusty floors.
I love synchronicity. The right voice, the right off-hand remark, the right page are available and I can't miss it.
So, yesterday TED had a list of talks about life changing thoughts or events. Listed first was the talk by Jill Bolte Taylor - the address is above. Jill does brain research and so she had a deeper understanding of what was happening to her as she had a stroke.
I just had an episode where I felt the separation of spirit, soul and body. Jill described it all beautifully. Our left brain is soulful, our right brain is spirit-connection. It was so comforting to have someone else confirm my interpretations of the other night.
(I immediately sent the Taylor talk to my sister, but she already read the book!)
Back to my thoughts about the family gathering. I am not trying to sway your thoughts. I trust you to do what is right. I am exposing my own turmoil. Every time we have a family gathering, I go though this. I am so torn about going. I don't feel like part of the family. I feel like everyone else fits together better without me. This time it has been a bit easier. All of my kids want to go. They want the memories, the connection with family, a look at their roots. Granted, they are not getting the full view, but it does give them a sense of belonging to someone. That is important.
Damn, we are such an unhealthy group to belong to! But my kids are a bit healthier - am I justifying? They struggle with alcohol, but there's no sexual abuse.
Youngest is getting up...time for me to start my day.
Love you, Clare
Saturday, April 20, 2013
a lot to process
I am going to need some time to process this 2 posts...
so much packed into them and such depth of emotion...
Not sure how I feel about the family gathering...I will consider what you have written.
I am going to see daughter #2's play tonight with husband and son#2 and his girlfriend.
I want to just relax at home,
but I will go.
I will check in tomorrow, after my Earth Day activities.
Love and Light,
Maggie
so much packed into them and such depth of emotion...
Not sure how I feel about the family gathering...I will consider what you have written.
I am going to see daughter #2's play tonight with husband and son#2 and his girlfriend.
I want to just relax at home,
but I will go.
I will check in tomorrow, after my Earth Day activities.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, April 19, 2013
Fairy Tales
Had another thing happen last night. I felt like my body, soul and spirit divided and were three instead of one. My spirit is beautiful and Light and strong and vibrant. My soul is tired, but okay - healthy. My body is sort of inactive. I don't think I have ever appreciated or understood my body. I truly think abuse at an early age drives us from our body, and our bodies simply become a place for storing pain. We have no idea of the delight having a body can bring.
I felt most alive, most embodied when pregnant, and especially when surrendering to labor and delivery. Otherwise my body has been - not important enough - to me.
My body was like a deflated balloon when the soul and spirit separated from it. My spirit was sort of ineffectively sculpting it. And I noticed, that psychically, I have slit wrists. And I had a lot of shards, of metal maybe, in my butt and thighs. My spirit picked up my flaccid body and shook it, and the shards were drawn to the magnetic north pole (I could not make this stuff up - it is simply too weird) I apologized to the Earth and was told that this was good, it was her job.
Looking at my deflated, sort of 2-D self, the fairy tale Sleeping Beauty came to mind. I thought maybe I needed a man to kiss me and awaken me. My mind rolled to my favorite fairy tale - Beauty and the Beast. I read that we live our favorite tale. I married a beast (an alcoholic) and expected my love to transform him. And we did not live happily ever after. I was berating my naivete, when I understood that a woman's love can redeem something in a man, just as a man's kiss can awaken a woman. It's all about balance, expectation and vulnerability.
I fell asleep...and since I got up and worked today, I assume my spirit and soul have rejoined my self.
Sweet dreams little sister,
Clare
I felt most alive, most embodied when pregnant, and especially when surrendering to labor and delivery. Otherwise my body has been - not important enough - to me.
My body was like a deflated balloon when the soul and spirit separated from it. My spirit was sort of ineffectively sculpting it. And I noticed, that psychically, I have slit wrists. And I had a lot of shards, of metal maybe, in my butt and thighs. My spirit picked up my flaccid body and shook it, and the shards were drawn to the magnetic north pole (I could not make this stuff up - it is simply too weird) I apologized to the Earth and was told that this was good, it was her job.
Looking at my deflated, sort of 2-D self, the fairy tale Sleeping Beauty came to mind. I thought maybe I needed a man to kiss me and awaken me. My mind rolled to my favorite fairy tale - Beauty and the Beast. I read that we live our favorite tale. I married a beast (an alcoholic) and expected my love to transform him. And we did not live happily ever after. I was berating my naivete, when I understood that a woman's love can redeem something in a man, just as a man's kiss can awaken a woman. It's all about balance, expectation and vulnerability.
I fell asleep...and since I got up and worked today, I assume my spirit and soul have rejoined my self.
Sweet dreams little sister,
Clare
Miracles?
I think we learn to trust serenity and grace. When that happens, we jump off the see-saw at a lower height, so we don't get hurt as much (or maybe we don't hurt ourselves as much) and we don't shock those who are nearest to us as much. I think our highs get lower and our lows get higher, and we have moments of exquisite peace within. Maybe not lots of moments - but they happen. Instead of drama we have depth.
But I still run and hide. It is reflexive. Someone smiles and I feel vulnerable, and I am gone - even if I am sitting in front of you, smiling back at you...
I was thinking about this summer's gathering. I was feeling your ambivalence, and a thought came to me. If I go, I am not going with the intention of getting in anyone's face about our past. I am not going to show up in a T-shirt that says Abused by... or Raped by... I don't want to put anyone on the defensive. But if way opens, I am not going to pretend nothing happened. I don't see anything wrong with calmly noting that a situation might be different if we hadn't all endured - name the abuse and abuser. Just mention the truth quietly and confidently and see if the light starts percolating in those dark areas we all have. Who knows what the others are thinking, or trying desperately to ignore. If I am calm and loving and open to listening, something beautiful may emerge.
Writing that made me wonder what my life would be like if I lived my life in expectation of beauty.
But when it starts to show, I hide...
As far as whispering - I feel like there's always been the lingering question in the family, "why is Clare so weird? strange? different?" The question will be there for the rest of this existence.
I don't know if you remember, but I brought a friend home for Thanksgiving many years ago. She was a young, single art teacher. When we left, she said, "They are all so...normal. What happened with you?" I have never fit. So, let them whisper.
I don't think we can address domestic violence, or wife and child torture to a high degree, without exposing patriarchy and the rape culture we live in. Men have to be oppressed in order to objectify family members, women in general, children, animals, plants the land...in order to own this, to benefit from this, it must be objectified. In order to take on these torture issues, they have to see their role in maintaining the system. That is a lot to take on emotionally. It is so much easier to be the victim of circumstance.
I remember it was hard for me to go from being St. Clare of the Kitchen Sink to understanding that I bullied my children with my anger. I damaged them. It is hard to see what happened to me. It is devastating to see what happened to me. But it's harder to see the pain I have each inflicted on others; to suddenly see my place in maintaining this patriarchal slavery. Those who maintain emotional distance don't have the courage and the strength. Someone else has to go first, then slowly, others follow. Then it will become trendy, and civilization will change.
Sounds easy, except when you are the one alone and naked before the group saying - someone abused me, bad things happened to me - but I am still human, humane, good, worthwhile. And when we're lucky, we actually start to believe ourselves.
So even though I believe to the core of my soul that no one wants to see me naked, I stand here, naked except for pseudonym, and say I was neglected, I was shamed, I was raped. I expected my husband to love and accept me and to heal me. He could not. He did not have the ability, nor did he know I had the expectation. I was so hurt and angry with him, and with my father who had the same behaviors, that I screamed at my children, berated them, took out my pain on them. I was a bully - taking out my anger on the weakest link - the people who were stuck with me.
I am ashamed.
But I hold my head up, because I had the courage to face my demons, to go to Al-Anon. And I stopped screaming. And my children have forgiven me.
Unfortunately, I have not forgiven myself.
Forgiveness will come through my children, when I trust myself with their love.
And maybe that's why I don't want to give up on the sibs. Miracles can happen, as long as we're not counting on them.
Love to you...and grace and serenity!
Clare
But I still run and hide. It is reflexive. Someone smiles and I feel vulnerable, and I am gone - even if I am sitting in front of you, smiling back at you...
I was thinking about this summer's gathering. I was feeling your ambivalence, and a thought came to me. If I go, I am not going with the intention of getting in anyone's face about our past. I am not going to show up in a T-shirt that says Abused by... or Raped by... I don't want to put anyone on the defensive. But if way opens, I am not going to pretend nothing happened. I don't see anything wrong with calmly noting that a situation might be different if we hadn't all endured - name the abuse and abuser. Just mention the truth quietly and confidently and see if the light starts percolating in those dark areas we all have. Who knows what the others are thinking, or trying desperately to ignore. If I am calm and loving and open to listening, something beautiful may emerge.
Writing that made me wonder what my life would be like if I lived my life in expectation of beauty.
But when it starts to show, I hide...
As far as whispering - I feel like there's always been the lingering question in the family, "why is Clare so weird? strange? different?" The question will be there for the rest of this existence.
I don't know if you remember, but I brought a friend home for Thanksgiving many years ago. She was a young, single art teacher. When we left, she said, "They are all so...normal. What happened with you?" I have never fit. So, let them whisper.
I don't think we can address domestic violence, or wife and child torture to a high degree, without exposing patriarchy and the rape culture we live in. Men have to be oppressed in order to objectify family members, women in general, children, animals, plants the land...in order to own this, to benefit from this, it must be objectified. In order to take on these torture issues, they have to see their role in maintaining the system. That is a lot to take on emotionally. It is so much easier to be the victim of circumstance.
I remember it was hard for me to go from being St. Clare of the Kitchen Sink to understanding that I bullied my children with my anger. I damaged them. It is hard to see what happened to me. It is devastating to see what happened to me. But it's harder to see the pain I have each inflicted on others; to suddenly see my place in maintaining this patriarchal slavery. Those who maintain emotional distance don't have the courage and the strength. Someone else has to go first, then slowly, others follow. Then it will become trendy, and civilization will change.
Sounds easy, except when you are the one alone and naked before the group saying - someone abused me, bad things happened to me - but I am still human, humane, good, worthwhile. And when we're lucky, we actually start to believe ourselves.
So even though I believe to the core of my soul that no one wants to see me naked, I stand here, naked except for pseudonym, and say I was neglected, I was shamed, I was raped. I expected my husband to love and accept me and to heal me. He could not. He did not have the ability, nor did he know I had the expectation. I was so hurt and angry with him, and with my father who had the same behaviors, that I screamed at my children, berated them, took out my pain on them. I was a bully - taking out my anger on the weakest link - the people who were stuck with me.
I am ashamed.
But I hold my head up, because I had the courage to face my demons, to go to Al-Anon. And I stopped screaming. And my children have forgiven me.
Unfortunately, I have not forgiven myself.
Forgiveness will come through my children, when I trust myself with their love.
And maybe that's why I don't want to give up on the sibs. Miracles can happen, as long as we're not counting on them.
Love to you...and grace and serenity!
Clare
Thursday, April 18, 2013
insight
"We can let the see-saw drop from a lower height"...
is that the path to recovery?
Do we startle, jump off and run away less when we recover from all of this?
Do we trust more, need to protect ourselves less?
What is the path...I am told it is to let it all go.
Not forget, but no longer remain attached to the memories or the shame and secrecy...
to be able to speak the truth out loud.
I don't know...my wise friend tells me over and over again, "you know exactly what to do"...
but I am not sure...and I am too fearful to let the guard down and see what the solution is.
I have been thinking about the family party this summer, and am not sure if I am attending...
it's not a spite-filled choice... it is a well thought out choice.
but as you say the farce of being one, happy, normal family is a lie and I really don't want to live lies...
I don't want to meet up with siblings and pretend that I never wrote of the abuse and dysfunction.
I don't want the silence, but then again I don't want them whispering about my "breakdown"or mental health issues.
I'm back to "sometimes I feel like a motherless child, such a long way from home"
I think that I realized a large part of my current frustration with my class project...
I am working in a group that includes 2 men who are not invested in this domestic violence project...
I have been looking at it from a responsibility aspect...
me taking on too much and them just letting it all happen.
Tonight I said something to a friend, I said that maybe the project was too close to home for them to invest themselves into it. I realize that the project is too close to home for me so I can't de-invest myself from it. I am working very hard to make a difference, and they don't seem to care. I think that's the crux of the frustration. It must be close because I am crying as I write this. Maybe I need to speak my truths and let them understand my need to do this.
I love you,
Maggie
is that the path to recovery?
Do we startle, jump off and run away less when we recover from all of this?
Do we trust more, need to protect ourselves less?
What is the path...I am told it is to let it all go.
Not forget, but no longer remain attached to the memories or the shame and secrecy...
to be able to speak the truth out loud.
I don't know...my wise friend tells me over and over again, "you know exactly what to do"...
but I am not sure...and I am too fearful to let the guard down and see what the solution is.
I have been thinking about the family party this summer, and am not sure if I am attending...
it's not a spite-filled choice... it is a well thought out choice.
but as you say the farce of being one, happy, normal family is a lie and I really don't want to live lies...
I don't want to meet up with siblings and pretend that I never wrote of the abuse and dysfunction.
I don't want the silence, but then again I don't want them whispering about my "breakdown"or mental health issues.
I'm back to "sometimes I feel like a motherless child, such a long way from home"
I think that I realized a large part of my current frustration with my class project...
I am working in a group that includes 2 men who are not invested in this domestic violence project...
I have been looking at it from a responsibility aspect...
me taking on too much and them just letting it all happen.
Tonight I said something to a friend, I said that maybe the project was too close to home for them to invest themselves into it. I realize that the project is too close to home for me so I can't de-invest myself from it. I am working very hard to make a difference, and they don't seem to care. I think that's the crux of the frustration. It must be close because I am crying as I write this. Maybe I need to speak my truths and let them understand my need to do this.
I love you,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Painful thought...
I was talking to a sib about taking pictures of all of us, the nine siblings, at Mom's birthday party. Part of me thought - how nice, what a nice record of us. Then I thought of the combination of abusers and victims all smiling together and my heart tore a little. Still at a loss of who we all are to each other. Do we bless each other for being great teachers or do we curse each other for the pain of our family?
Lost, C.
Lost, C.
You are so beautiful to me...
There was a children's play at Meeting once, many years ago. Afterwards, someone came to find me - backstage. She said she knew she would find me there. Backstage, invisible, yet making sure everything worked.
That's me!
You describe the feelings of - "notice me, please notice me" followed by an immediate "Don't look at me" very well. I think we all need to be noticed. We need each other to be real. Or we define ourselves best in relationship with each other. I am not saying this correctly. My thoughts are not clear, but I know we are tribal and we need each other. I know the greatest gift we can offer each other is time, attention, listening and acknowledging.
But in our home of origin, being noticed was not a good thing. It was better to lay low, be silent, not be around when the proverbial crap hit the fan. Learning to hide has made us just a little schizo, I feel. One can't hide and be vulnerable, and be loved. Yet the hidden one needs to be loved so much.
You would not love to be normal. Besides we already agreed that there is no normal. I think you are close to a truth when you start seeing the blurred lines between healthy and diagnosable! I think a lot of what we see as problems are simply refusal to conform.
One of the flowers helped me understand imbalance, which is what I understand when you talk about the see-saw. We will never be perfectly still - that would be death. But we don't have to take our imbalances to such extremes. We can let the see-saw drop from a lower height...
There is a short video that has gone viral on the web. Several women were asked to describe themselves to a forensic artist, who drew them based only on their description. Then he redrew them based on someone else's description. In every case the woman's description of herself was less attractive than what another saw. It was, obviously, a comment on societal expectations of beauty.
Seems coincidental since I am struggling so much with the concept of beauty and feeling or not feeling it.
Someone wrote an insightful blog about the choice of thin, white women and other expectations of our society...I included a bit of what she said...
Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything—from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness! And while it could be argued that the woman was actually talking about how you feel about yourself or something, it is clearly edited to suggest that the “it” is beauty. I know we’ve been told it thousands upon thousands of times before, but I hope you heard that, girls: your physical, superficial beauty is the most significant part of who you are, and the most important determining factor in your life. And now I want you to hear this: that is a lie.
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me
The words hit me, but now that I have moved them here, sort of out of context, I am at a loss. I am not sure what I wanted to say. I know I have been thinking about beauty. I have been thinking about how beautiful some people become with familiarity. We forget to judge them by current standards. We see more. We see who they really are.
Maybe I don't think anyone sees who I really am...I am confusing myself. I think I will let this stand as a testament to today. I will think about this - today is a good day for planting peas. Sitting in the dirt always helps me think. I will try again tomorrow.
But the one thing that is clear, the writer's last line:
But please, please hear me: you are so, so much more than beautiful.
Thinking...ruminating...baaaaaa
Your loving Clare
That's me!
You describe the feelings of - "notice me, please notice me" followed by an immediate "Don't look at me" very well. I think we all need to be noticed. We need each other to be real. Or we define ourselves best in relationship with each other. I am not saying this correctly. My thoughts are not clear, but I know we are tribal and we need each other. I know the greatest gift we can offer each other is time, attention, listening and acknowledging.
But in our home of origin, being noticed was not a good thing. It was better to lay low, be silent, not be around when the proverbial crap hit the fan. Learning to hide has made us just a little schizo, I feel. One can't hide and be vulnerable, and be loved. Yet the hidden one needs to be loved so much.
You would not love to be normal. Besides we already agreed that there is no normal. I think you are close to a truth when you start seeing the blurred lines between healthy and diagnosable! I think a lot of what we see as problems are simply refusal to conform.
One of the flowers helped me understand imbalance, which is what I understand when you talk about the see-saw. We will never be perfectly still - that would be death. But we don't have to take our imbalances to such extremes. We can let the see-saw drop from a lower height...
There is a short video that has gone viral on the web. Several women were asked to describe themselves to a forensic artist, who drew them based only on their description. Then he redrew them based on someone else's description. In every case the woman's description of herself was less attractive than what another saw. It was, obviously, a comment on societal expectations of beauty.
Seems coincidental since I am struggling so much with the concept of beauty and feeling or not feeling it.
Someone wrote an insightful blog about the choice of thin, white women and other expectations of our society...I included a bit of what she said...
Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything—from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness! And while it could be argued that the woman was actually talking about how you feel about yourself or something, it is clearly edited to suggest that the “it” is beauty. I know we’ve been told it thousands upon thousands of times before, but I hope you heard that, girls: your physical, superficial beauty is the most significant part of who you are, and the most important determining factor in your life. And now I want you to hear this: that is a lie.
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me
The words hit me, but now that I have moved them here, sort of out of context, I am at a loss. I am not sure what I wanted to say. I know I have been thinking about beauty. I have been thinking about how beautiful some people become with familiarity. We forget to judge them by current standards. We see more. We see who they really are.
Maybe I don't think anyone sees who I really am...I am confusing myself. I think I will let this stand as a testament to today. I will think about this - today is a good day for planting peas. Sitting in the dirt always helps me think. I will try again tomorrow.
But the one thing that is clear, the writer's last line:
But please, please hear me: you are so, so much more than beautiful.
Thinking...ruminating...baaaaaa
Your loving Clare
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
See-Saw
Wow...I just saw that we have created 600 posts...
that's a lot of catharsis!
So I feel as if I am on a see-saw...
vacillating up and down...
and occasionally being dropped because the other person jumps off...
but I must reluctantly admit that sometimes I am the one who jumps and lets the other person drop.
I was asked to write a paragraph about one of my students who is receiving an award, he's a very gifted man who is curious and bright...a great combination.
I was looking for a great quote or idea to spark this paragraph and came across the qualities of gifted adults...and I fit so many...
the one that stopped me in my tracks was a tendency to loneliness and isolation...mood and energy swings...strong sense of social injustice...and the inability to ignore injustice or cruelty...a drive to self-actualization
maybe that's part of my answer, why can't I let all of this go and just be normal...
I'd love to be normal...if even for a little while,
but I am passionate about causes that are important to me...it's why I am going into social work and why I can't focus on one vulnerable population...because there are so many in need...and the basic problems are universal; disconnect and fear of not having enough. To me that is the bottom line.
So what am I going to be when I grow up?
I want to be so many things it will take more lifetimes to do it all.
"We can do no great things, only simple things with great love" -Mother Theresa
I need to remind myself of that, frequently.
Anyway the see-saw seems to be part of these gifted characteristics...
and part of the description of bipolar disorder...
What's exceptional and what is pathology? Where do we draw that line?
I am reading a book (yes one that is not assigned) called First Rate Madness by Nassir Ghaem.
It describes the most effective historical leaders as biploar in chaotic times and "normal" in times of tranquility, pointing out the need for different strengths and traits depending on the demands of the time period. It describes the traits of bipolar as realism, resilience, empathy, and creativity...somehow I am beginning to have difficulty seeing the pathology in all of this.
The lines are blurring and both are seeming to just be variations on normal...
So I will continue to see-saw, try really hard not to dump anyone to the ground, and remain open and accepting to ideas about my queer character traits...
I love you,
Maggie
that's a lot of catharsis!
So I feel as if I am on a see-saw...
vacillating up and down...
and occasionally being dropped because the other person jumps off...
but I must reluctantly admit that sometimes I am the one who jumps and lets the other person drop.
I was asked to write a paragraph about one of my students who is receiving an award, he's a very gifted man who is curious and bright...a great combination.
I was looking for a great quote or idea to spark this paragraph and came across the qualities of gifted adults...and I fit so many...
the one that stopped me in my tracks was a tendency to loneliness and isolation...mood and energy swings...strong sense of social injustice...and the inability to ignore injustice or cruelty...a drive to self-actualization
maybe that's part of my answer, why can't I let all of this go and just be normal...
I'd love to be normal...if even for a little while,
but I am passionate about causes that are important to me...it's why I am going into social work and why I can't focus on one vulnerable population...because there are so many in need...and the basic problems are universal; disconnect and fear of not having enough. To me that is the bottom line.
So what am I going to be when I grow up?
I want to be so many things it will take more lifetimes to do it all.
"We can do no great things, only simple things with great love" -Mother Theresa
I need to remind myself of that, frequently.
Anyway the see-saw seems to be part of these gifted characteristics...
and part of the description of bipolar disorder...
What's exceptional and what is pathology? Where do we draw that line?
I am reading a book (yes one that is not assigned) called First Rate Madness by Nassir Ghaem.
It describes the most effective historical leaders as biploar in chaotic times and "normal" in times of tranquility, pointing out the need for different strengths and traits depending on the demands of the time period. It describes the traits of bipolar as realism, resilience, empathy, and creativity...somehow I am beginning to have difficulty seeing the pathology in all of this.
The lines are blurring and both are seeming to just be variations on normal...
So I will continue to see-saw, try really hard not to dump anyone to the ground, and remain open and accepting to ideas about my queer character traits...
I love you,
Maggie
Monday, April 15, 2013
invisibility
Why can't you see your own beauty?
I think that you are beautiful and worthy of attention and an investment of my time and energy...
a lot of people cherish you and your gifts...
I will explain my thoughts on this...
I too feel invisible...
being sought out when there are chores to be done, events to be organized, work to be accomplished...
especially when it involves children.
I must be every one's nanny.
But, when I really want others to notice me...
for my thoughts, my music, my ingenuity....
I am all alone.
But, on the flip side of that...
attention makes me uncomfortable.
I crave that people see all of my gifts and talents...but I shun those that do.
Perhaps they are mistaken, or they want something from me, or there must be something wrong with them...I can't and don't accept compliments or attention well.
I believe that it stems from our days of being seen and not heard...or even better yet just blending into the surroundings.
I am thinking of the ring in the Lord of the Rings which made invisibility a "super power"...perhaps I am not fully considering all sides of this invisibility concept.
I do believe that it is the biggest hurdle to climb over in the process of Me Too...
why bother to tell if no one notices or worse, they don't believe me...or do believe you and blame you.
So cry, and laugh, and build forts...
and be the golden grandma who fills their loved ones with happiness and self worth...those are the gifts that will last.
Appreciate the little things that you do so well...
Mother Theresa is quoted as saying, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."
That's what I will to do...small things with great love...
But my ego still wants at least one great big thing...maybe then I won't be invisible.
I guess controlling my ego is something to work on...
I have been haunted by the Motherless Child image today...
it is powerful, and heartbreaking, and freeing at the same time.
I hope that my children never feel like a motherless child...at least for their earthly mother.
More to think about...
I love you.
You are beautiful.
Time to Shine...
Maggie
I think that you are beautiful and worthy of attention and an investment of my time and energy...
a lot of people cherish you and your gifts...
I will explain my thoughts on this...
I too feel invisible...
being sought out when there are chores to be done, events to be organized, work to be accomplished...
especially when it involves children.
I must be every one's nanny.
But, when I really want others to notice me...
for my thoughts, my music, my ingenuity....
I am all alone.
But, on the flip side of that...
attention makes me uncomfortable.
I crave that people see all of my gifts and talents...but I shun those that do.
Perhaps they are mistaken, or they want something from me, or there must be something wrong with them...I can't and don't accept compliments or attention well.
I believe that it stems from our days of being seen and not heard...or even better yet just blending into the surroundings.
I am thinking of the ring in the Lord of the Rings which made invisibility a "super power"...perhaps I am not fully considering all sides of this invisibility concept.
I do believe that it is the biggest hurdle to climb over in the process of Me Too...
why bother to tell if no one notices or worse, they don't believe me...or do believe you and blame you.
So cry, and laugh, and build forts...
and be the golden grandma who fills their loved ones with happiness and self worth...those are the gifts that will last.
Appreciate the little things that you do so well...
Mother Theresa is quoted as saying, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."
That's what I will to do...small things with great love...
But my ego still wants at least one great big thing...maybe then I won't be invisible.
I guess controlling my ego is something to work on...
I have been haunted by the Motherless Child image today...
it is powerful, and heartbreaking, and freeing at the same time.
I hope that my children never feel like a motherless child...at least for their earthly mother.
More to think about...
I love you.
You are beautiful.
Time to Shine...
Maggie
Teary still
I turned on Motherless Child to serenade me as I write. I feel like a motherless child. I feel alone. I feel like everyone's best friend. I am here to serve others, yet I am invisible. I listen, I comfort...but...but...I don't let anyone touch me.
For Christmas my oldest son and his wife gave me a gift certificate for an alternative practitioner. I have said, many times that I would love to go to her. When I opened the gift card, I started to cry. The gift was wonderful, but what it meant was that someone listened to me and heard what I said. That was what made me cry. My son said he wished it had been him, but that it was my daughter-in-law who noticed me, who listened to me.
(Not sure why I am complaining. I don't always listen to those around me...)
Remembering is making me cry again. But I walked in the woods today, and cried. I listened to the trees. The wind was blowing through them, portending change. I listened and I cried a little more. And I stood still in all of that movement for a few minutes.
I need to remember - always go outside. That is where I will find myself.
I had grandchildren here this weekend, and we spontaneously built a blanket fort in my dining room. I shoved the table over to the windows and we set up and extensive "house." It was a delightful mess. But then, a friend dropped by unannounced to visit. He often does this when traveling. We are his cup of tea and conversation break. As he pulled in, I looked at the blanket fort mess (the kids had gone home about 30 minutes before his arrival) and started to laugh. I guess I'm not as bad as I feared - I can still make blanket forts and laugh at the mess.
I taught my three-year old grandson a new word this weekend - negotiation. We negotiated about the fort construction. It was a precious moment. I want to be one of those grammies that leaves nothing but golden memories for as long as they live.
What if I am never beautiful? What if I never see my beauty? What if I refuse to allow anyone else to see that I am beautiful? Yeah, those are the questions that are making me cry...
So I need to turn in early...I am so tired...
I love you little sister!
Clare
For Christmas my oldest son and his wife gave me a gift certificate for an alternative practitioner. I have said, many times that I would love to go to her. When I opened the gift card, I started to cry. The gift was wonderful, but what it meant was that someone listened to me and heard what I said. That was what made me cry. My son said he wished it had been him, but that it was my daughter-in-law who noticed me, who listened to me.
(Not sure why I am complaining. I don't always listen to those around me...)
Remembering is making me cry again. But I walked in the woods today, and cried. I listened to the trees. The wind was blowing through them, portending change. I listened and I cried a little more. And I stood still in all of that movement for a few minutes.
I need to remember - always go outside. That is where I will find myself.
I had grandchildren here this weekend, and we spontaneously built a blanket fort in my dining room. I shoved the table over to the windows and we set up and extensive "house." It was a delightful mess. But then, a friend dropped by unannounced to visit. He often does this when traveling. We are his cup of tea and conversation break. As he pulled in, I looked at the blanket fort mess (the kids had gone home about 30 minutes before his arrival) and started to laugh. I guess I'm not as bad as I feared - I can still make blanket forts and laugh at the mess.
I taught my three-year old grandson a new word this weekend - negotiation. We negotiated about the fort construction. It was a precious moment. I want to be one of those grammies that leaves nothing but golden memories for as long as they live.
What if I am never beautiful? What if I never see my beauty? What if I refuse to allow anyone else to see that I am beautiful? Yeah, those are the questions that are making me cry...
So I need to turn in early...I am so tired...
I love you little sister!
Clare
A motherless child
You're wrong...so much has changed.
We are both very different now than a year ago.
Not everything is going to be perfect...we lived in dysfunction and chaos for years...
it may never be all right...but it won't ever be as all wrong as it was before.
I went to a concert last night, The Gospel of Jazz.
One of the performers sang...
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Such a long way from home.
I cried...it was so powerful.
I have to run, but don't get discouraged, don't give up...
changes are happening within and without you...
Maggie
We are both very different now than a year ago.
Not everything is going to be perfect...we lived in dysfunction and chaos for years...
it may never be all right...but it won't ever be as all wrong as it was before.
I went to a concert last night, The Gospel of Jazz.
One of the performers sang...
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Such a long way from home.
I cried...it was so powerful.
I have to run, but don't get discouraged, don't give up...
changes are happening within and without you...
Maggie
Friday, April 12, 2013
Last night...
I think the interview went well this afternoon. By their body language, they seemed to stay open to me the whole time. And I made them laugh a few times. I found out they are only hiring one person who will serve everyone. I was glad I didn't know that going in! I thought they were hiring or adding to a team.
I had another of my episodes last night. I want to share it with you, but also record it, so I don't forget. I noticed I gained a few pounds last night and I really hated myself and my addiction. I was suddenly full of self-loathing, and I said the meanest things to myself. I would never allow anyone to talk to a human being the way I talk to myself. I feel like it is impossible to get past addictions. I don't know what to do...I went to bed, turned out the light and just laid there in the dark. I had an image of me bursting out of my body and looking fantastic, and I cringed, and shriveled and tried to hide myself. It felt like a massive case of stage fright. I don't want anyone to look at me. I still want to hide. I am still afraid to shine.
Nothing is changing. I am still the sniveling coward I have always been.
Pain started to move out of my chest, and I felt like I was keening. Keening is the word that came to mind. I was breathing out pain, and pain and more pain, but there were no tears. Just long, tortured breaths.
I looked up the word keening this morning, and saw it means mourning cries over a dead body. Am I dead? Dying? Was I ever alive?
I feel so sad. And so tired...
Even so - I love you...Clare
I had another of my episodes last night. I want to share it with you, but also record it, so I don't forget. I noticed I gained a few pounds last night and I really hated myself and my addiction. I was suddenly full of self-loathing, and I said the meanest things to myself. I would never allow anyone to talk to a human being the way I talk to myself. I feel like it is impossible to get past addictions. I don't know what to do...I went to bed, turned out the light and just laid there in the dark. I had an image of me bursting out of my body and looking fantastic, and I cringed, and shriveled and tried to hide myself. It felt like a massive case of stage fright. I don't want anyone to look at me. I still want to hide. I am still afraid to shine.
Nothing is changing. I am still the sniveling coward I have always been.
Pain started to move out of my chest, and I felt like I was keening. Keening is the word that came to mind. I was breathing out pain, and pain and more pain, but there were no tears. Just long, tortured breaths.
I looked up the word keening this morning, and saw it means mourning cries over a dead body. Am I dead? Dying? Was I ever alive?
I feel so sad. And so tired...
Even so - I love you...Clare
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Be a Bitch!
I am completely calm about the interview. If I am meant to have the job, it will happen. A friend told me that every interaction with the potential employer was positive. Makes me feel positive. But then I have the momentary hyperventilation...what do I wear? what do I know? who do I know?
Lots of times, by Friday I have forgotten all of my nouns. That seems to happen to those of us who talk a lot for a living. So, pray that I remember nouns, please!
Oreos...or Hershey kisses left over from last weekend. Chocolate works!
I say we embrace our inner bitch. We enjoy her and let her impact the world. Because the bitch is always more impressive than we can imagine. She knows how to fix things just the way she wants. I think we should embrace our inner bitch just as we embrace our inner fairy godmother and inner songstress and inner mechanic. We have to love all of ourselves...nothing subjugated...all acceptable and accepted.
I found some bitchy quotes. Guess which is my favorite...
“When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.” - Bette Davis
“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” -Madonna
"A bitch always smokes." He looks back at Lucy. "A bitch is the opposite of a whore. A bitch doesn't need anybody. Or she wants people to think she doesn't need anybody. And she smokes to prove it.” C. JoyBell C.
These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don't appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and opened legs.” -Margaret Cho
"Being a Heartless Bitch isn't about stepping on other people, or reality TV-style sabotage antics. Its about working hard for what you want, and knowing when to stand up for what you deserve. Its not about demoralizing others; its about self-empowerment. Its not about being arrogant; its about displaying your confidence and intellect as a badge of pride. Its not asserting any inherent superiority or self-entitlement, but recognizing your own self-worth and value."
-- Kat D.
"I do get called a bitch quite often. What I do NOT get called is pushover, stupid, sweetheart, dear or doormat. Works for me."
-- Rebecca M.
Have a bitchin' night!
Clare
Lots of times, by Friday I have forgotten all of my nouns. That seems to happen to those of us who talk a lot for a living. So, pray that I remember nouns, please!
Oreos...or Hershey kisses left over from last weekend. Chocolate works!
I say we embrace our inner bitch. We enjoy her and let her impact the world. Because the bitch is always more impressive than we can imagine. She knows how to fix things just the way she wants. I think we should embrace our inner bitch just as we embrace our inner fairy godmother and inner songstress and inner mechanic. We have to love all of ourselves...nothing subjugated...all acceptable and accepted.
I found some bitchy quotes. Guess which is my favorite...
“When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.” - Bette Davis
“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” -Madonna
"A bitch always smokes." He looks back at Lucy. "A bitch is the opposite of a whore. A bitch doesn't need anybody. Or she wants people to think she doesn't need anybody. And she smokes to prove it.” C. JoyBell C.
These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don't appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and opened legs.” -Margaret Cho
"Being a Heartless Bitch isn't about stepping on other people, or reality TV-style sabotage antics. Its about working hard for what you want, and knowing when to stand up for what you deserve. Its not about demoralizing others; its about self-empowerment. Its not about being arrogant; its about displaying your confidence and intellect as a badge of pride. Its not asserting any inherent superiority or self-entitlement, but recognizing your own self-worth and value."
-- Kat D.
"I do get called a bitch quite often. What I do NOT get called is pushover, stupid, sweetheart, dear or doormat. Works for me."
-- Rebecca M.
Have a bitchin' night!
Clare
start talking
Advice for an interview...
know something about the company, prepare yourself...
look them in the eye and answer questions honestly...
if you don't know something be honest...
believe in yourself...
breathe.
I am not sure that me shining through this group is happening.
I am beginning to feel as if I am being challenged to allow the others to shine to the best of their abilities...that sounds egotistical, it's not meant to be.
If I push them to their limits and they perform better than they would have without me...maybe that's enough...maybe that's what is meant to be this time around.
This morning they were all sharing "virtual high fives" and talking about what a great job we did. I have been considering all day the fact that they may have been pushed beyond their previous limits or comfort zones...just because it was not equal to my expectations doesn't mean it was failure...
I really don't know how to finish out the next project...but I trust that instinct will guide me...and oreo cookies will help too!
I have been in a wicked mood today...I told my class to beware this morning, they thought it was so funny...but I thought I should give them fair warning. It actually helped because I felt lighter just for saying it out loud instead of hiding it and pretending. Then I had a haircut, I told my hairdresser that I was a bitch today and told stories and were laughing by the end.
Maybe I should start speaking of my mood instead of trying to pretend that I am always happy and in control...maybe there's a lesson in all of this.
I've been having weird dreams...dusty, black and white, and chaotic...I'll let you know when the images and ideas become clearer.
I love you,
Maggie
know something about the company, prepare yourself...
look them in the eye and answer questions honestly...
if you don't know something be honest...
believe in yourself...
breathe.
I am not sure that me shining through this group is happening.
I am beginning to feel as if I am being challenged to allow the others to shine to the best of their abilities...that sounds egotistical, it's not meant to be.
If I push them to their limits and they perform better than they would have without me...maybe that's enough...maybe that's what is meant to be this time around.
This morning they were all sharing "virtual high fives" and talking about what a great job we did. I have been considering all day the fact that they may have been pushed beyond their previous limits or comfort zones...just because it was not equal to my expectations doesn't mean it was failure...
I really don't know how to finish out the next project...but I trust that instinct will guide me...and oreo cookies will help too!
I have been in a wicked mood today...I told my class to beware this morning, they thought it was so funny...but I thought I should give them fair warning. It actually helped because I felt lighter just for saying it out loud instead of hiding it and pretending. Then I had a haircut, I told my hairdresser that I was a bitch today and told stories and were laughing by the end.
Maybe I should start speaking of my mood instead of trying to pretend that I am always happy and in control...maybe there's a lesson in all of this.
I've been having weird dreams...dusty, black and white, and chaotic...I'll let you know when the images and ideas become clearer.
I love you,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Dark of the Moon
Maybe we cycle more in sync with the moon. Tonight is new moon. It is darkest and so maybe we are most inward, and most emotional and most aware of what we are feeling. I used to cycle, physically, with the quarter moon. I know I felt like crying much of yesterday. I felt alone and like people were asking too much of me. Today seems better.
My youngest went to the doctor. She has been moved out of high risk, although they are still monitoring her closely. But she is calmer and happier and goofier. She and a friend who is here were very playful today. Nice.
Right now my downstairs has been taken over by baby stuff. I hope her nesting urge kicks in - hard...and soon.
It is too bad that your performance is connected to a group who doesn't care much. I remember being part of a group like that. The dynamics were so interesting - and frustrating. Are you going to push for a better presentation next time? It is possible to shine in that kind of group.
Question - What's for dinner? Answer - You have a parent in the house. Ask your dad. If all else fails, he can swing ordering a pizza. But I understand the frustration of always being the one who knows, being the ultimate authority. Mom is also the only one who knows where shoes are and where anything belongs.
I hope you cry. It's a perfect night for it. Dark and quiet.
Not much happening for me. Just longer days of work, and trying to sleep. I have an interview in two days. I am beginning to feel nervous...Advice?
I love you and feel free to bitch any time!
Clare
My youngest went to the doctor. She has been moved out of high risk, although they are still monitoring her closely. But she is calmer and happier and goofier. She and a friend who is here were very playful today. Nice.
Right now my downstairs has been taken over by baby stuff. I hope her nesting urge kicks in - hard...and soon.
It is too bad that your performance is connected to a group who doesn't care much. I remember being part of a group like that. The dynamics were so interesting - and frustrating. Are you going to push for a better presentation next time? It is possible to shine in that kind of group.
Question - What's for dinner? Answer - You have a parent in the house. Ask your dad. If all else fails, he can swing ordering a pizza. But I understand the frustration of always being the one who knows, being the ultimate authority. Mom is also the only one who knows where shoes are and where anything belongs.
I hope you cry. It's a perfect night for it. Dark and quiet.
Not much happening for me. Just longer days of work, and trying to sleep. I have an interview in two days. I am beginning to feel nervous...Advice?
I love you and feel free to bitch any time!
Clare
Bitch session
I once listened to Clarissa Pinkola Estes who said that women still emotionally cycle even after menopause...she said, "the veil gets thinner" cyclically and that we are more emotional...more vulnerable...maybe that's what you're experiencing.
I did a group presentation to day that was probably the worst thing I have ever been involved in. The other members told me they didn't care as long as they passed and they basically presented from that point of view. I told them that I have higher expectations, but was trying to not impose my work habits on them...but now I wish I had...I wish I had pushed and guilted them into trying or caring. I hate mediocrity. The crappy thing is that I have another project/presentation with this same group in 2 weeks. This is more stressful than deadlines and commitments...knowing that they just don't give a damn.
Then I am driving home, in a heavy downpour, and my youngest calls to ask me what's for dinner. It is 7 pm, they are home with Dad, and I have to deal with dinner...since when am I the only one who can cook? Sorry...I just need to let it all go.
I am overwhelmed and ready to cry.
I want to go to bed and just be left alone.
I need a wife to take care of me!
Tomorrow should be a better day...
It better be.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I did a group presentation to day that was probably the worst thing I have ever been involved in. The other members told me they didn't care as long as they passed and they basically presented from that point of view. I told them that I have higher expectations, but was trying to not impose my work habits on them...but now I wish I had...I wish I had pushed and guilted them into trying or caring. I hate mediocrity. The crappy thing is that I have another project/presentation with this same group in 2 weeks. This is more stressful than deadlines and commitments...knowing that they just don't give a damn.
Then I am driving home, in a heavy downpour, and my youngest calls to ask me what's for dinner. It is 7 pm, they are home with Dad, and I have to deal with dinner...since when am I the only one who can cook? Sorry...I just need to let it all go.
I am overwhelmed and ready to cry.
I want to go to bed and just be left alone.
I need a wife to take care of me!
Tomorrow should be a better day...
It better be.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Exhausted and teary - and no chocolate
I think it's always impossible to slow down just before graduation. That's when all the finishing crunch crap presses down on you and you have to gimp exhaustedly over the finish line. But you have to look good while you do it! Which of course you always do, beautiful one!
Speak out, though. Trust your gut.
Although I have had two or three people ask me recently - why not just give in to the way things are? I was told we can't win, or maybe I can't win. And challenged: so why try? But I have to. I have to point at the pain, and state the obvious - this hurts. Otherwise we all stay numb. And I am so tired of being numb...although I have to state that thawing is not great.
I can't possibly move fast today. I am back into my not sleeping phase. Can't fall asleep. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. I don't know exactly why this happens, but it is tiring when it does. I love my job, but there's always this possibility of nodding off - which would be noticed. So today I am scattered. I wash a few dishes, vacuum a small square of floor, get sidetracked, write an article, sent some emails, ransacked for the chocolate I purposely gave away...and all the while I feel teary, which I know is exhaustion.
I know what I need. I need to go outside,. That is where I find home...
Love, Clare
Speak out, though. Trust your gut.
Although I have had two or three people ask me recently - why not just give in to the way things are? I was told we can't win, or maybe I can't win. And challenged: so why try? But I have to. I have to point at the pain, and state the obvious - this hurts. Otherwise we all stay numb. And I am so tired of being numb...although I have to state that thawing is not great.
I can't possibly move fast today. I am back into my not sleeping phase. Can't fall asleep. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. I don't know exactly why this happens, but it is tiring when it does. I love my job, but there's always this possibility of nodding off - which would be noticed. So today I am scattered. I wash a few dishes, vacuum a small square of floor, get sidetracked, write an article, sent some emails, ransacked for the chocolate I purposely gave away...and all the while I feel teary, which I know is exhaustion.
I know what I need. I need to go outside,. That is where I find home...
Love, Clare
critical...
It is damn near impossible for me to slow down...at least for the next few weeks.
I am caught up in the trap that I have laid out for myself...
I think my planning is manic and then my depressed mood hits and I wonder, what was I thinking?
Anyway, I am in a critical, discerning mood, seeing that much around me is not as it should be...
At my internship I am asked to lobby for legislation next week for legislation that, in my opinion is misguided. I am trying to tactfully avoid it, but I believe that today I just need to speak up and say no. I support the organization, but not these bills.
Sometimes I wish I could relax and not care so much.
I just want to be complacent and not make waves just once in my life...
but I can't.
I am driven to do what I believe is right and good...
but it is really inconvenient sometimes.
I saw your pictures, your daughter is beautiful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am caught up in the trap that I have laid out for myself...
I think my planning is manic and then my depressed mood hits and I wonder, what was I thinking?
Anyway, I am in a critical, discerning mood, seeing that much around me is not as it should be...
At my internship I am asked to lobby for legislation next week for legislation that, in my opinion is misguided. I am trying to tactfully avoid it, but I believe that today I just need to speak up and say no. I support the organization, but not these bills.
Sometimes I wish I could relax and not care so much.
I just want to be complacent and not make waves just once in my life...
but I can't.
I am driven to do what I believe is right and good...
but it is really inconvenient sometimes.
I saw your pictures, your daughter is beautiful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sugar girly-girl (sounds like a bad song title)
Sugar is my addition. I guess I am looking for something sweet in my life. Busy-ness was my addiction until I stopped having a car. Before, the adage: If you want something done, ask a busy woman, meant me. Now I am in hermit mode, unless someone seeks me out. I am assuming I am learning a lesson - about slowing down. But I'm not learning a lesson about feeling...I am still numbing too often with sugar or crunchy stuff.
I have been having a strange train of thought developing. I know I quoted - We are not our bodies. We are spirits, we have bodies. I'm close in quoting that. But I have been trying to be my spiritual self and see my body as my vehicle. What is strange is that I feel like I have a beautiful spirit. This may be the first time I have ever thought, felt, said, recognized that I am beautiful. But I know that I am kind and patient and understanding. I know that I am loving and people feel that love. People seek me out when they need to be healed. Yet I judge myself by my imperfect thighs. I am not good enough. So I have been trying to feel my beautiful spirit and love my vehicle, to see it as a project that can be loved into beauty. It is making me very uncomfortable, so I think I am on the right track. I am becoming very aware of the way I store pain in my body, and it makes me lumpy and disfigured. I don't want to be controlling, nor do I want to be out of control. I want to love myself back to healthy and glowing.
Got a flash of The Velveteen Rabbit, there. In my version, I think I need to be my own lover, though.
You are healing. Look at the awareness you share in this blog. Could you have done that a year ago?
S#3 and her brood, all except the baby, came to the shower. I like that the cousins are spending some time together. I like that her oldest grandchild and my oldest grandchild are 4 days apart in age, and really like to play together. Our children knew each other when they were young. Being the two single moms meant we relieved each other, we turned to each other. I watched her kids for days at a time when she had business trips, she welcomed me to stay with her for a week while I typed the first draft of my still unpublished herbal.. Then as the kids aged, we sort of lost each other. But she has always been most likely to come visit. After she told me about her suicide attempt, I started calling her regularly. So now I know her better, again.
When S#3 was here, I started wondering how much make up she uses, and even how she uses it. I might be turning into a girly-girl. Heaven help me!
Went for a walk with my prego-daughter today, and took some photos of her near a pond, and in the woods. She looked very beautiful. Oldest son checked in and their little one took first steps this weekend. Life is moving forward...the web is shifting!
Slow down, feel my love...breathe it in...Clare
I have been having a strange train of thought developing. I know I quoted - We are not our bodies. We are spirits, we have bodies. I'm close in quoting that. But I have been trying to be my spiritual self and see my body as my vehicle. What is strange is that I feel like I have a beautiful spirit. This may be the first time I have ever thought, felt, said, recognized that I am beautiful. But I know that I am kind and patient and understanding. I know that I am loving and people feel that love. People seek me out when they need to be healed. Yet I judge myself by my imperfect thighs. I am not good enough. So I have been trying to feel my beautiful spirit and love my vehicle, to see it as a project that can be loved into beauty. It is making me very uncomfortable, so I think I am on the right track. I am becoming very aware of the way I store pain in my body, and it makes me lumpy and disfigured. I don't want to be controlling, nor do I want to be out of control. I want to love myself back to healthy and glowing.
Got a flash of The Velveteen Rabbit, there. In my version, I think I need to be my own lover, though.
You are healing. Look at the awareness you share in this blog. Could you have done that a year ago?
S#3 and her brood, all except the baby, came to the shower. I like that the cousins are spending some time together. I like that her oldest grandchild and my oldest grandchild are 4 days apart in age, and really like to play together. Our children knew each other when they were young. Being the two single moms meant we relieved each other, we turned to each other. I watched her kids for days at a time when she had business trips, she welcomed me to stay with her for a week while I typed the first draft of my still unpublished herbal.. Then as the kids aged, we sort of lost each other. But she has always been most likely to come visit. After she told me about her suicide attempt, I started calling her regularly. So now I know her better, again.
When S#3 was here, I started wondering how much make up she uses, and even how she uses it. I might be turning into a girly-girl. Heaven help me!
Went for a walk with my prego-daughter today, and took some photos of her near a pond, and in the woods. She looked very beautiful. Oldest son checked in and their little one took first steps this weekend. Life is moving forward...the web is shifting!
Slow down, feel my love...breathe it in...Clare
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Busy-ness is my addiction
I am not sure that I am getting much healthier...
my addiction has always been busy-ness...
controlling my emotions and thoughts by overwhelming my proceesing capacity...
I am doing it again...and I am so deeply in it that I have to complete these projects and then say no As new ones present themselves.
At Meeting today I had to postpone a Hunger Awareness Dinner that I was spearheading...
I had this idea...one that I had heard about years ago and have wanted to try...
so I set my mind that it would happen...
but that it would be a First Day School project...
well, no one else was really onboard...
particularly the parents of the older kids who were supposed to be planning and implementing this project...
I came to realize that I was the sole driving force...
so today I took responsibility for having to postpone it and I believe that I will wait for others to ask/offer assistance...
then I know that it is not just my project, but our project.
It was very hard for me to admit that I failed to pull off a project in front of all of those people...
harder than I thought it would be...
But I do believe it was the right thing to do.
I am glad that you had a web of support today for the baby shower.
I wish I could have been there and felt that...
but I probably would not have appreciated it since I am outside of that particular community.
Did any of our family attend the shower?
I had a long and wonderful talk with a young woman today...
she is also an intern and we were doing mindless work today which gave us the opportunity to just talk. Her Mom grew up in a house very much like ours..and she made a conscious decision to move
to another state to put distance between her family and her children...
this girl talked about resenting that decision, but coming to grips with it and ultimately supporting that decision in retrospect. She is an amazing young woman...I am glad to have this opportunity to get to know her. We talked about relationships, respect, ethical decisions, how hard family relationship can be, our neurotic drives towards perfection...it was a good day.
I love you,
Maggie
my addiction has always been busy-ness...
controlling my emotions and thoughts by overwhelming my proceesing capacity...
I am doing it again...and I am so deeply in it that I have to complete these projects and then say no As new ones present themselves.
At Meeting today I had to postpone a Hunger Awareness Dinner that I was spearheading...
I had this idea...one that I had heard about years ago and have wanted to try...
so I set my mind that it would happen...
but that it would be a First Day School project...
well, no one else was really onboard...
particularly the parents of the older kids who were supposed to be planning and implementing this project...
I came to realize that I was the sole driving force...
so today I took responsibility for having to postpone it and I believe that I will wait for others to ask/offer assistance...
then I know that it is not just my project, but our project.
It was very hard for me to admit that I failed to pull off a project in front of all of those people...
harder than I thought it would be...
But I do believe it was the right thing to do.
I am glad that you had a web of support today for the baby shower.
I wish I could have been there and felt that...
but I probably would not have appreciated it since I am outside of that particular community.
Did any of our family attend the shower?
I had a long and wonderful talk with a young woman today...
she is also an intern and we were doing mindless work today which gave us the opportunity to just talk. Her Mom grew up in a house very much like ours..and she made a conscious decision to move
to another state to put distance between her family and her children...
this girl talked about resenting that decision, but coming to grips with it and ultimately supporting that decision in retrospect. She is an amazing young woman...I am glad to have this opportunity to get to know her. We talked about relationships, respect, ethical decisions, how hard family relationship can be, our neurotic drives towards perfection...it was a good day.
I love you,
Maggie
Holes in the web
I'm with you. I loved being pregnant. I loved breastfeeding my infants and toddlers. I loved the family bed...now it's the cat's bed - she graciously allows me to sleep there. It is both hard and...softening...to watch my daughter be pregnant. It is both to watch my grandchildren. They warm my heart, they make my life sweet, but they remind me that I am in the next stage of life.
The shower was warm. Our community is so wonderful. Some of the women I am very close to are also close to my daughters. The generations seem to overlap more here than anywhere else I have ever lived.
The Indians tried to remind us about the web - which you described nicely. Although while reading your words, I thought of chains and chain mail. What really struck me is the idea of looking for the holes in the chains and in the web. I'm not sure what is different, but seeing the holes, and seeing from the holes, or recognizing how the holes feel seems important and different. I think about the holes in me, which keep me separate from others. I think about the holes in the web around me that amplify the alone-ness. Maybe this perspective gives me hope that the holes can be mended. Maybe I should call on my inner-spider...
I love it when poems come to mind
He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!
From the poem " Outwitted” by Edwin Markham
Once we identify the missing souls in our web, perhaps we draw them back in...
I think you are learning to just sit. Stop rushing from project to project, stop living mindlessly busy, Just sit for a minute and breathe and feel You're getting healthy. So the BIG question is - How does it feel?
I'm tired, and I have an article due. 'Til tomorrow!!
Still singing the Lullaby...Is forever enough?
Love you...Clare
The shower was warm. Our community is so wonderful. Some of the women I am very close to are also close to my daughters. The generations seem to overlap more here than anywhere else I have ever lived.
The Indians tried to remind us about the web - which you described nicely. Although while reading your words, I thought of chains and chain mail. What really struck me is the idea of looking for the holes in the chains and in the web. I'm not sure what is different, but seeing the holes, and seeing from the holes, or recognizing how the holes feel seems important and different. I think about the holes in me, which keep me separate from others. I think about the holes in the web around me that amplify the alone-ness. Maybe this perspective gives me hope that the holes can be mended. Maybe I should call on my inner-spider...
I love it when poems come to mind
He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!
From the poem " Outwitted” by Edwin Markham
Once we identify the missing souls in our web, perhaps we draw them back in...
I think you are learning to just sit. Stop rushing from project to project, stop living mindlessly busy, Just sit for a minute and breathe and feel You're getting healthy. So the BIG question is - How does it feel?
I'm tired, and I have an article due. 'Til tomorrow!!
Still singing the Lullaby...Is forever enough?
Love you...Clare
Saturday, April 6, 2013
no inconsequential actions
We are all part of a chain...more closely linked to our ancestors....but linked to everyone, everyone who lives and has ever lived...we are the sum total of all human souls...and as such we are obligated to share our love and wisdom and support. When I picture this I see that as one of us moves it effects everyone because of that connection. There are no inconsequential actions. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction...not to mention all of the ripples that are created by those reactions.
It's that disconnect that you've identified that leaves us feeling so separate and alone.
Even if we choose to be alone...it is really an impossibility, an illusion.
I have been hiding in my work...
deadlines and commitments that leave me no time to center and think...
"May is coming" I keep telling myself...but then what?
Do I know how to relax and just be with people? I haven't had that luxury in over 3 years.
I had to restrain myself from applying for an internship in NYC this summer...
it would have been an incredible opportunity to learn community organizing...
but I need to just be with my family.
I need to be with me, walking, cooking, meditating, singing...
I need to reclaim who I am and put all of this knowledge into perspective.
Then I can move forward and be effective.
I hope that your shower goes well tomorrow. I have a present, but I still haven't sent it . I texted S#3 and asked if she was going, but she never responded. I will put it in the mail on Monday.
Just keep all of the careful watching of this pregnancy in perspective. It is a temporary inconvenience. I miss being pregnant and especially miss nursing my babies. I don't even see babies anymore. Oh well, I have that to look forward to.
I love you,
My best to your family,
Maggie
It's that disconnect that you've identified that leaves us feeling so separate and alone.
Even if we choose to be alone...it is really an impossibility, an illusion.
I have been hiding in my work...
deadlines and commitments that leave me no time to center and think...
"May is coming" I keep telling myself...but then what?
Do I know how to relax and just be with people? I haven't had that luxury in over 3 years.
I had to restrain myself from applying for an internship in NYC this summer...
it would have been an incredible opportunity to learn community organizing...
but I need to just be with my family.
I need to be with me, walking, cooking, meditating, singing...
I need to reclaim who I am and put all of this knowledge into perspective.
Then I can move forward and be effective.
I hope that your shower goes well tomorrow. I have a present, but I still haven't sent it . I texted S#3 and asked if she was going, but she never responded. I will put it in the mail on Monday.
Just keep all of the careful watching of this pregnancy in perspective. It is a temporary inconvenience. I miss being pregnant and especially miss nursing my babies. I don't even see babies anymore. Oh well, I have that to look forward to.
I love you,
My best to your family,
Maggie
Invisible -- Chains
I think I just got PIA. I tend to be the slowest...You know the old adage - She who laughs last didn't get the joke. That is often me.
My youngest is having some problems with her pregnancy. Mine were all healthy - well, except the potential C-section with #2 because the placenta was low. But it migrated, and we were fine. I am wondering if there are more problems now, or if it seems like that because of the continuing over-medicalization of birth. Maybe it's the overmedicalization of all of us throughout our whole lives. An increased ability to identify problems means we find and treat more...Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's not.
Issues of a higher risk pregnancy are foreign to me. But the overall result is that we have been talking more. We have been talking to the baby more. Last night we sang to the baby. We were singing Dixie Chick's Lullaby, and I got lost in the beauty of the song and wasn't sure if I was singing to my baby or to her baby.
After I went to bed, I started thinking about mom and grammy and then I know the next two names back. I am part of this chain of women as is my daughter and this little girl inside her. I was "praying" for all of these women to help our little girl get her butt out of her mom's pelvis, and get into that head-down position. I was thinking about all of the generations of natural births, or approximately natural births...each generation gets a little less natural. It's all part of women's bodies being owned my the male establishment, I fear. They own, we have no choice, we fear our intuition and ignore it. Then we are grateful that they got us through alive.
Birthing is all about surrender. The whole lesson is that we have no power except faith and endurance. And if we surrender to the process we are transformed. We are something new.
Maybe part of what is happening is that all opportunities for transformation are being taken from us. Maybe that's why the phrase, "taking your power back" needs to be stated...
My life seems to be woven of mystical moments. When Mom had breast cancer I remember being up all night, unable to sleep, praying. I remember thinking I was not ready to be a motherless child. I guess that shows a deeper connection to her than I suspect. And maybe it also shows that I am still waiting to be mothered...During prayer I fell into a well of women...mom, grammy and back and back deeper and further I was one of them, just part of them. At the same time I conceived this girl-child and knew she was part of this chain of women.
On another note, we were driving home about a week ago and I saw a young doe, limping. I dreamed about her last night. This morning I woke up earlyish and went out with the dog. It was so beautiful I started singing to the trees, and I noticed some movement behind some bushes. I froze and it was the lame doe. She stopped twice and looked right at me. I was trying to ground, and open my heart wide. It seemed that the damage is in the top of the leg. Either she was shot or she was hit by a car. I feel for her...
Just had a long talk with a close friend who struggles with depression. We came to a realization that I wanted to share quickly, before I go clean my house. We both grew up in chaotic families, and both found ways to hide. I used to read incessantly, a book a day sometimes, hiding in my room avoiding the rest of you. Now we both feel invisible. We were wondering if we pulled on that desire too well, and - now what do we do with it???
I hope it is as sunny and beautiful at you house...Have a lovely weekend,
Clare
(How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough...)
My youngest is having some problems with her pregnancy. Mine were all healthy - well, except the potential C-section with #2 because the placenta was low. But it migrated, and we were fine. I am wondering if there are more problems now, or if it seems like that because of the continuing over-medicalization of birth. Maybe it's the overmedicalization of all of us throughout our whole lives. An increased ability to identify problems means we find and treat more...Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's not.
Issues of a higher risk pregnancy are foreign to me. But the overall result is that we have been talking more. We have been talking to the baby more. Last night we sang to the baby. We were singing Dixie Chick's Lullaby, and I got lost in the beauty of the song and wasn't sure if I was singing to my baby or to her baby.
After I went to bed, I started thinking about mom and grammy and then I know the next two names back. I am part of this chain of women as is my daughter and this little girl inside her. I was "praying" for all of these women to help our little girl get her butt out of her mom's pelvis, and get into that head-down position. I was thinking about all of the generations of natural births, or approximately natural births...each generation gets a little less natural. It's all part of women's bodies being owned my the male establishment, I fear. They own, we have no choice, we fear our intuition and ignore it. Then we are grateful that they got us through alive.
Birthing is all about surrender. The whole lesson is that we have no power except faith and endurance. And if we surrender to the process we are transformed. We are something new.
Maybe part of what is happening is that all opportunities for transformation are being taken from us. Maybe that's why the phrase, "taking your power back" needs to be stated...
My life seems to be woven of mystical moments. When Mom had breast cancer I remember being up all night, unable to sleep, praying. I remember thinking I was not ready to be a motherless child. I guess that shows a deeper connection to her than I suspect. And maybe it also shows that I am still waiting to be mothered...During prayer I fell into a well of women...mom, grammy and back and back deeper and further I was one of them, just part of them. At the same time I conceived this girl-child and knew she was part of this chain of women.
On another note, we were driving home about a week ago and I saw a young doe, limping. I dreamed about her last night. This morning I woke up earlyish and went out with the dog. It was so beautiful I started singing to the trees, and I noticed some movement behind some bushes. I froze and it was the lame doe. She stopped twice and looked right at me. I was trying to ground, and open my heart wide. It seemed that the damage is in the top of the leg. Either she was shot or she was hit by a car. I feel for her...
Just had a long talk with a close friend who struggles with depression. We came to a realization that I wanted to share quickly, before I go clean my house. We both grew up in chaotic families, and both found ways to hide. I used to read incessantly, a book a day sometimes, hiding in my room avoiding the rest of you. Now we both feel invisible. We were wondering if we pulled on that desire too well, and - now what do we do with it???
I hope it is as sunny and beautiful at you house...Have a lovely weekend,
Clare
(How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough...)
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Need to talk?
The logical part of me is standing back thinking it is interesting that you are starting to dip into depression, since I am just sort of normalizing. I am feeling balanced right now. I was having a hard time for a few weeks, both trying to keep life on an even keel and feeling like no one listens to me. I was beginning to wonder if I am childish, uninteresting, boring. Of course, it would never enter my mind to consider that everyone else is just busy.
But then, and I don't know how she knew, someone I have been friends with for maybe 12 years, but who has recently become closer asked if I needed to talk. I was so grateful. She also gave me a question to consider...Does this serve you? Does it restore you or deplete you? Good gauge for life...So, little sister, do you need to talk? (Voice to voice or written word to written word, I'm up for either!)
I have so many stories of Dad being mean. They still hurt a little - sometimes a lot.
What's a PIA? I do understand the description. After I delivered, everyone wanted to get to know the baby. Visitors would come in and offer to take the baby so I could clean house, do the dishes. But one day a friend came over and said, "Oh, look - dirty dishes. You sit and cuddle your baby, and let me do this for you." Ever since then, this has been my approach - notice the mama! Do what I can to help her.
My youngest knows she is safe here. But thank you for reminding me that I am important.
All of my kids know they can always come home. No matter where they are or how old they are, if they need sanctuary, and if I have a home they are welcome for as long as they want. You too, sibs, nieces and nephews...I want people to know there is a safe place in the world.
And we can thank Dad for that lesson. He let me/us know that we were not welcome. Once we were 18, we were out. He also repeatedly told me that they were not interested in babysitting our brats. So they didn't, and now my kids don't know them as well as they might have if we were welcome.
I remember the day I realized I was furious with Mom. She let Dad be mean and cruel, and played the good parent. I divided them in my mind - Mom was good and Dad was bad for years. Then one day, something shifted in my mind, and I was furious. Now I think I have a better balance of understanding of the roles they played, and how they played them together.
It is late...I have to work early tomorrow...so I am off to bed...
Love you,
Clare
But then, and I don't know how she knew, someone I have been friends with for maybe 12 years, but who has recently become closer asked if I needed to talk. I was so grateful. She also gave me a question to consider...Does this serve you? Does it restore you or deplete you? Good gauge for life...So, little sister, do you need to talk? (Voice to voice or written word to written word, I'm up for either!)
I have so many stories of Dad being mean. They still hurt a little - sometimes a lot.
What's a PIA? I do understand the description. After I delivered, everyone wanted to get to know the baby. Visitors would come in and offer to take the baby so I could clean house, do the dishes. But one day a friend came over and said, "Oh, look - dirty dishes. You sit and cuddle your baby, and let me do this for you." Ever since then, this has been my approach - notice the mama! Do what I can to help her.
My youngest knows she is safe here. But thank you for reminding me that I am important.
All of my kids know they can always come home. No matter where they are or how old they are, if they need sanctuary, and if I have a home they are welcome for as long as they want. You too, sibs, nieces and nephews...I want people to know there is a safe place in the world.
And we can thank Dad for that lesson. He let me/us know that we were not welcome. Once we were 18, we were out. He also repeatedly told me that they were not interested in babysitting our brats. So they didn't, and now my kids don't know them as well as they might have if we were welcome.
I remember the day I realized I was furious with Mom. She let Dad be mean and cruel, and played the good parent. I divided them in my mind - Mom was good and Dad was bad for years. Then one day, something shifted in my mind, and I was furious. Now I think I have a better balance of understanding of the roles they played, and how they played them together.
It is late...I have to work early tomorrow...so I am off to bed...
Love you,
Clare
The negativity is returning
It is good that your youngest has your support, especially this close to the birth...
the more support you give her now...the more she patience she will have for her little one.
I would have loved to have Mom around when I was pregnant...she came to help when I had #3...Dad dropped her off, berating me for needing her...and I felt guilty having her there.
I had my mother-in-law with me for the first 2 and she was a PIA...
fussing about the baby, ignoring the fact that I might need help with cooking, cleaning up, laundry, etc.
Anyway...I remember when #4 was getting close, I was probably about 32 weeks, our parents stopped by on their way to S#5's house. The first thing Dad said upon entering the house was, "don't expect your mother to come when this baby is born, we're tired of driving". They had recently returned from Texas and now were heading to S#5's...God forbid they want to experience my children or life's milestones.
I will never forget that....at first I was furious with him for being such a controlling ass...then I realized that she knew exactly what he was going to say and stayed out of the room purposefully to avoid being a part of the conversation.
She allowed him to treat us like shit...it took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but it is the reality...she knew what he was like, and what he was doing, and didn't defend or protect us.
So, love and support your daughter, she will remember the love and kindness for her lifetime.
I am feeling negative and overwhelmed again...
I think depression is seeping back into my brain.
I am trying to exercise, sleep, eat healthy...
but I keep sabotaging my best intentions.
I really need space to breathe and find my center...
but that's not happening when my brain is in this mode.
I did, and am making a conscious effort to reach out and talk about the negativity this time. I had a meeting today that the other person forgot about...I sat and wallowed in the, "I must not be a priority to anyone if they can't remember a meeting with me"...but reached out and spoke with her and rescheduled the meeting.
I also spoke with husband about being forgotten and frustrated.
That's a big step for me...I don't frequently admit to anyone when I feel insecure or offended.
I do feel better
Anyway, I am hoping for a beautiful weekend for you and your gathering.
I am sorry that I will miss it. I will either mail or send a gift with S#3 if she is coming.
I may start to clean out the vegetable garden and prepare it for planting.
I love you,
Maggie
the more support you give her now...the more she patience she will have for her little one.
I would have loved to have Mom around when I was pregnant...she came to help when I had #3...Dad dropped her off, berating me for needing her...and I felt guilty having her there.
I had my mother-in-law with me for the first 2 and she was a PIA...
fussing about the baby, ignoring the fact that I might need help with cooking, cleaning up, laundry, etc.
Anyway...I remember when #4 was getting close, I was probably about 32 weeks, our parents stopped by on their way to S#5's house. The first thing Dad said upon entering the house was, "don't expect your mother to come when this baby is born, we're tired of driving". They had recently returned from Texas and now were heading to S#5's...God forbid they want to experience my children or life's milestones.
I will never forget that....at first I was furious with him for being such a controlling ass...then I realized that she knew exactly what he was going to say and stayed out of the room purposefully to avoid being a part of the conversation.
She allowed him to treat us like shit...it took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but it is the reality...she knew what he was like, and what he was doing, and didn't defend or protect us.
So, love and support your daughter, she will remember the love and kindness for her lifetime.
I am feeling negative and overwhelmed again...
I think depression is seeping back into my brain.
I am trying to exercise, sleep, eat healthy...
but I keep sabotaging my best intentions.
I really need space to breathe and find my center...
but that's not happening when my brain is in this mode.
I did, and am making a conscious effort to reach out and talk about the negativity this time. I had a meeting today that the other person forgot about...I sat and wallowed in the, "I must not be a priority to anyone if they can't remember a meeting with me"...but reached out and spoke with her and rescheduled the meeting.
I also spoke with husband about being forgotten and frustrated.
That's a big step for me...I don't frequently admit to anyone when I feel insecure or offended.
I do feel better
Anyway, I am hoping for a beautiful weekend for you and your gathering.
I am sorry that I will miss it. I will either mail or send a gift with S#3 if she is coming.
I may start to clean out the vegetable garden and prepare it for planting.
I love you,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Ramblingblingbling
I look forward to hearing your reaction to The Vagina Monologs. I have not seen the play, although I would like to. I hope you and li'l sister enjoy! And enjoy your time together.
I had one of those intrusive thoughts today. I was wondering how much culture influences our kids, despite what we teach them in the home. I have this feeling that culture is getting more and more influential and family/parents are less so. Which is a shame, because we live in such a violent culture...
What set me off was thinking about foods. I always had a garden, and so I raised my kids on organic, fresh picked foods all summer. My oldest treasures the memory of asking, "What's for dinner?"
I got this far last night before my youngest came and found me, and needed some hands-on mothering. Her pregnancy has not been easy.
So, where was I going???...My oldest would ask, "What's for dinner?" and I would answer, "Let's go in the garden and see!" And we would go pick whatever was ripe and fashion dinner around those foods. I raised my kids on whole foods we grew ourselves. We had milk goats for a long time. We had our own meats. And we always had eggs - fresh eggs. My kids were raised thinking this was a normal way to eat. Pizza was a treat, McD's was almost never eaten. In fact, I used to tell my kids that there were substances we could eat, but they were not food. Hot dogs and jello come to mind first.
So they were grounded in a pretty good food culture with pretty good expectations and tastes. Then they get out into the wider world and discover fast food and processed foods. And one, in particular, can't resist. We know it's addictive. We know it's unhealthy. But we can't resist...
I was wondering about other aspects of family culture. We teach our kids to be kind, respectful, to stand up for what is right. Then we send them out into the world with it's bully culture, and how many kids succumb, become addicted to the culture. I was really wondering about all of the people who turn their backs on violence, especially sexual violence. Then they frost it with a little Blame the victim...
Scattered thoughts...not sure if I am making sense.
So, now it's today and I just read your post about your evening with S#3. I'm glad you were together, even if it felt superficial. We need these moments to add to the few weak roots we have. With time and continued togetherness, the deeper roots can developed. We just have to admit that our family is developmentally delayed. But there's hope for improvement.
In our family, we are not connected. I always thought it was just me alone in the hinderlands, until one time we talked and B#4 said he was alone and unconnected, too. Then I started to see that we were all in really different places, but we are all alone. I wonder if we could meet somewhere out there - out far away from expectations or history or patterns. We could all go dance in the void together - totally confused, but lost together!! Just a fantasy image - you should have some idea of what it's like inside my head!
I never feel missed. Never. I always feel like everyone is more relaxed and themselves without me there. Sick, isn't it?
Your comment about women owning themselves hit hard. That is a core problem. Women do own themselves, but our culture says we can't. Our sexuality is only real if we have a man to make us real. I read an article about lesbianism throughout history. No one thought that women had any sexuality without a man, and so they never saw the relationships between the maiden aunts. Once they recognized the sexuality, our culture took it back and made it for men by presenting it as entertainment. Girl-on-girl is hot - for men. That takes the power away from sexual expression. It's probably the root of the threesome...add a guy to disempower the sexuality.
So how do we present a healthy relationship. First we have to find one...We need to recognize those little moments when we give our power away in order to be in a relationship with a man.
More tomorrow...I have been sitting for a long time, and it's been an emotional day!
Love you,
Clare
I had one of those intrusive thoughts today. I was wondering how much culture influences our kids, despite what we teach them in the home. I have this feeling that culture is getting more and more influential and family/parents are less so. Which is a shame, because we live in such a violent culture...
What set me off was thinking about foods. I always had a garden, and so I raised my kids on organic, fresh picked foods all summer. My oldest treasures the memory of asking, "What's for dinner?"
I got this far last night before my youngest came and found me, and needed some hands-on mothering. Her pregnancy has not been easy.
So, where was I going???...My oldest would ask, "What's for dinner?" and I would answer, "Let's go in the garden and see!" And we would go pick whatever was ripe and fashion dinner around those foods. I raised my kids on whole foods we grew ourselves. We had milk goats for a long time. We had our own meats. And we always had eggs - fresh eggs. My kids were raised thinking this was a normal way to eat. Pizza was a treat, McD's was almost never eaten. In fact, I used to tell my kids that there were substances we could eat, but they were not food. Hot dogs and jello come to mind first.
So they were grounded in a pretty good food culture with pretty good expectations and tastes. Then they get out into the wider world and discover fast food and processed foods. And one, in particular, can't resist. We know it's addictive. We know it's unhealthy. But we can't resist...
I was wondering about other aspects of family culture. We teach our kids to be kind, respectful, to stand up for what is right. Then we send them out into the world with it's bully culture, and how many kids succumb, become addicted to the culture. I was really wondering about all of the people who turn their backs on violence, especially sexual violence. Then they frost it with a little Blame the victim...
Scattered thoughts...not sure if I am making sense.
So, now it's today and I just read your post about your evening with S#3. I'm glad you were together, even if it felt superficial. We need these moments to add to the few weak roots we have. With time and continued togetherness, the deeper roots can developed. We just have to admit that our family is developmentally delayed. But there's hope for improvement.
In our family, we are not connected. I always thought it was just me alone in the hinderlands, until one time we talked and B#4 said he was alone and unconnected, too. Then I started to see that we were all in really different places, but we are all alone. I wonder if we could meet somewhere out there - out far away from expectations or history or patterns. We could all go dance in the void together - totally confused, but lost together!! Just a fantasy image - you should have some idea of what it's like inside my head!
I never feel missed. Never. I always feel like everyone is more relaxed and themselves without me there. Sick, isn't it?
Your comment about women owning themselves hit hard. That is a core problem. Women do own themselves, but our culture says we can't. Our sexuality is only real if we have a man to make us real. I read an article about lesbianism throughout history. No one thought that women had any sexuality without a man, and so they never saw the relationships between the maiden aunts. Once they recognized the sexuality, our culture took it back and made it for men by presenting it as entertainment. Girl-on-girl is hot - for men. That takes the power away from sexual expression. It's probably the root of the threesome...add a guy to disempower the sexuality.
So how do we present a healthy relationship. First we have to find one...We need to recognize those little moments when we give our power away in order to be in a relationship with a man.
More tomorrow...I have been sitting for a long time, and it's been an emotional day!
Love you,
Clare
Love is not abuse
I had dinner with S#3 last evening. It was nice, great to see her. She told me about her latest dietary changes and the impact they have on her sense of well being. We talked about my Masters program and the ending of it...the transitions that are coming. We talked, but it was safe and superficial.
I feel less uniquely isolated...she talked about only seeing B#4 when he comes for the rent checks, despite his living only a short distance from her.
We talked about the 80th birthday celebration this summer...and the ambivalence around attending it.
So this family that one year ago rose to the rescue and salvation of 'one of our own' is once again isolated and pretending...and no mention is made of the one who was re-assimilated into the fold.
How did you once phrase it..."false intimacy" or was it "pretend intimacy" or "fake intimacy"?
what ever the term, it once again will be displayed when all converge to wish Mom a happy 80th birthday.
Who will attend? Who will attend and be ignored?
Who will not attend? Who won't attend and be missed? Who won't attend and have no one notice, or just whisper that they aren't one of the flock anymore?
What a f***ed up family!
And yet, I see this dynamic in so many families...
I don't think that I know one family that is truly connected...
I am not saying that they are always harmonious...but they are deeply connected and willing to help the others...wait, I do know one...and they are amazing.
So, the Vagina Monologues, done by college women. It was funny and touching, and made me angry as hell. There were equally as many men as women in the room. I noticed that when the women were speaking about sexual empowerment the men started snickering or making comments like it was a come-on. Why can't women talk about sexual experiences, fantasies, or desires without men thinking the want to have sex with them? I honestly think they are confused....they don't feel comfortable with women 'owning' themselves, truly connecting with their own sexuality, and vaginas, so they have to make a joke out of it. They have to make it about conquering them. I actually worried about some of the actresses, who portrayed their role convincingly, being misunderstood and having the men become sexually aggressive with them. I worry too much though, I am told that I am a mother hen...
I was personally grateful that I had done Ob/Gyn in my career. I am comfortable with female anatomy, talking about sexuality (other people's more so than my own of course), listening to others' insights and questions. I took a continuing ed class once on sexuality and had to learn the "street jargon" for anatomy and sexual acts years ago. I have to say that I was extremely naive, but learned quickly which helped when I was working at Planned Parenthood and the STD clinics in Chester.
Anyway...I was brought to tears when they finished with a video called "1 Billion Rising"...about women standing together and saying "no more violence".
It has to happen...we need to end this violence against each other...against our loved ones...or intimate partners...love has a very strange connotation...and demands very strange things from it...Love Is Not Abuse...Love Is Not Abuse...Love Is Not Abuse
But, we fail to have role models to show us how nurturing and safe love can actually be...so we settle for Abusive Love...at least its attention...someone cares...even if they rape, beat, demean us...at least we're not alone...because then we really would be worthless...we have to have a man to justify our existence...no matter how he treats us...
Sorry...I am going on a rambling rant.
It is time for women to say...Me Too and stand together.
It is time for men to join us equally and raise the expectations of society...this is not normal, or acceptable.
I have to run...
I love you very much.
In the Light,
Maggie
I feel less uniquely isolated...she talked about only seeing B#4 when he comes for the rent checks, despite his living only a short distance from her.
We talked about the 80th birthday celebration this summer...and the ambivalence around attending it.
So this family that one year ago rose to the rescue and salvation of 'one of our own' is once again isolated and pretending...and no mention is made of the one who was re-assimilated into the fold.
How did you once phrase it..."false intimacy" or was it "pretend intimacy" or "fake intimacy"?
what ever the term, it once again will be displayed when all converge to wish Mom a happy 80th birthday.
Who will attend? Who will attend and be ignored?
Who will not attend? Who won't attend and be missed? Who won't attend and have no one notice, or just whisper that they aren't one of the flock anymore?
What a f***ed up family!
And yet, I see this dynamic in so many families...
I don't think that I know one family that is truly connected...
I am not saying that they are always harmonious...but they are deeply connected and willing to help the others...wait, I do know one...and they are amazing.
So, the Vagina Monologues, done by college women. It was funny and touching, and made me angry as hell. There were equally as many men as women in the room. I noticed that when the women were speaking about sexual empowerment the men started snickering or making comments like it was a come-on. Why can't women talk about sexual experiences, fantasies, or desires without men thinking the want to have sex with them? I honestly think they are confused....they don't feel comfortable with women 'owning' themselves, truly connecting with their own sexuality, and vaginas, so they have to make a joke out of it. They have to make it about conquering them. I actually worried about some of the actresses, who portrayed their role convincingly, being misunderstood and having the men become sexually aggressive with them. I worry too much though, I am told that I am a mother hen...
I was personally grateful that I had done Ob/Gyn in my career. I am comfortable with female anatomy, talking about sexuality (other people's more so than my own of course), listening to others' insights and questions. I took a continuing ed class once on sexuality and had to learn the "street jargon" for anatomy and sexual acts years ago. I have to say that I was extremely naive, but learned quickly which helped when I was working at Planned Parenthood and the STD clinics in Chester.
Anyway...I was brought to tears when they finished with a video called "1 Billion Rising"...about women standing together and saying "no more violence".
It has to happen...we need to end this violence against each other...against our loved ones...or intimate partners...love has a very strange connotation...and demands very strange things from it...Love Is Not Abuse...Love Is Not Abuse...Love Is Not Abuse
But, we fail to have role models to show us how nurturing and safe love can actually be...so we settle for Abusive Love...at least its attention...someone cares...even if they rape, beat, demean us...at least we're not alone...because then we really would be worthless...we have to have a man to justify our existence...no matter how he treats us...
Sorry...I am going on a rambling rant.
It is time for women to say...Me Too and stand together.
It is time for men to join us equally and raise the expectations of society...this is not normal, or acceptable.
I have to run...
I love you very much.
In the Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The Vagina Monologues
You had the day that I needed yesterday...
I am glad that you told me about it.
I am in full out mode right now...I have many projects coming due and, while I am in good shape with them, I know there is still much to do.
Tonight I am going to dinner with S#3 and then we are seeing The Vagina Monologues at my campus. I am excited to see her and I have wanted to see this performance so it is a good thing.
I am sure that it will be moving...just not sure how it will make me feel.
I will let you know. Sorry, I am off and running for the day.
I love you...
Maggie
I am glad that you told me about it.
I am in full out mode right now...I have many projects coming due and, while I am in good shape with them, I know there is still much to do.
Tonight I am going to dinner with S#3 and then we are seeing The Vagina Monologues at my campus. I am excited to see her and I have wanted to see this performance so it is a good thing.
I am sure that it will be moving...just not sure how it will make me feel.
I will let you know. Sorry, I am off and running for the day.
I love you...
Maggie
Monday, April 1, 2013
Mystical Moments
I went for a walk today. A hawk swooped down in front of me - crossing my path, then a vulture came down in front of me, and sort of came toward my face before swooping up over the tree tops. They have done this before with me. I stopped in awe and watched the big birds playing in the wind - because it was really windy today.
On the way home, I stopped again. The sun was golden, hanging low in the sky. I was looking west over a pond. The wind was pushing the water toward me. The whole surface of the pond was covered in dancing sparkles as each little cap caught the sun.
I felt like singing John Denver songs...Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.
What did sink into my mind was the work of Masuro Emoto, showing the forms of water after being prayed over, or had various words sent to it/through it. The water reforms into beautiful, balanced molecules. So I thought about how much I loved the pond. I was enamored of the sparkles. It was almost mystical and more colors seemed to emerge. The I got the impression that the water was sending love back to me.
And I got the message that it is juts that easy. You send love and if your heart is open it comes right back.
And so I am loved.
As are you!
Clare
On the way home, I stopped again. The sun was golden, hanging low in the sky. I was looking west over a pond. The wind was pushing the water toward me. The whole surface of the pond was covered in dancing sparkles as each little cap caught the sun.
I felt like singing John Denver songs...Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.
What did sink into my mind was the work of Masuro Emoto, showing the forms of water after being prayed over, or had various words sent to it/through it. The water reforms into beautiful, balanced molecules. So I thought about how much I loved the pond. I was enamored of the sparkles. It was almost mystical and more colors seemed to emerge. The I got the impression that the water was sending love back to me.
And I got the message that it is juts that easy. You send love and if your heart is open it comes right back.
And so I am loved.
As are you!
Clare
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