Last night...

I think the interview went well this afternoon.  By their body language, they seemed to stay open to me the whole time.  And I made them laugh a few times.  I found out they are only hiring one person who will serve everyone.  I was glad I didn't know that going in!  I thought they were hiring or adding to a team.

I had another of my episodes last night.  I want to share it with you, but also record it, so I don't forget.  I noticed I gained a few pounds last night and I really hated myself and my addiction.  I was suddenly full of self-loathing, and I said the meanest things to myself.  I would never allow anyone to talk to a human being the way I talk to myself.  I feel like it is impossible to get past addictions.  I don't know what to do...I went to bed, turned out the light and just laid there in the dark.  I had an image of me bursting out of my body and looking fantastic, and I cringed, and shriveled and tried to hide myself.  It felt like a massive case of stage fright.  I don't want anyone to look at me.  I still want to hide.  I am still afraid to shine.

Nothing is changing.  I am still the sniveling coward I have always been.

Pain started to move out of my chest, and I felt like I was keening.  Keening is the word that came to mind.  I was breathing out pain, and pain and more pain, but there were no tears.  Just long, tortured breaths.

I looked up the word keening this morning, and saw it means mourning cries over a dead body.  Am I  dead? Dying?  Was I ever alive?

I feel so sad. And so tired...

Even so - I love you...Clare