Hey Love,
Deep breath. Now another one.
I am not sure what is going on, but neither one of you is getting what you signed on for. There is a big break in communications - whether spoken or implied.
And I agree that sending him back would be a major mistake.
First of, go to a counselor...not him, but all of you. Together. Listen to each other until you find the breach. I get the sense that no one is feeling heard. Everyone is trying to keep head above water, and mostly succeeding but while struggling all the while.
Go soon before any more erosion sweeps the solid from beneath your feet.
Go and be totally honest and let them know they are damaging you physically. But listen to what is happening to them. Find out what they are feeling, and how they are sensing their own damage.
And consider how your youngest's outbursts, plus your older son's drama at the beach are influencing the young man. He may be learning from their examples.
You have chosen a hard thing. Embracing an older child with years of rejection and damage, and with piles of wounds that trigger and are triggered by so much - that is a lot to take on.
As far as Maine. Thank you. I will think about it. Maybe see if youngest wants to go. She may have another knee surgery in her near future. If I have an internet connection, I could work from there. Actually, my best friend from college has a new position where she lives one week on an island off the coast of Maine, followed by a week off. She and her husband just bought a house on the mainland for her weeks off. She mentioned my coming to spend time, since, again, I could work from there. Maine seems ti be calling my name. I have only been in the very south, Kennebunkport, but I have always thought I would love it there...
So, my kitten came back. I had been calling her every time I went out. Yesterday morning as I took the dogs out before I started work, I called her and she answered. I sat down and she came near, but would run if I put my hand down. So I told her I had to work, and she needed to come or she would have to wait. I took dogs in, brought the third out, and she was calling me from the picnic table. I told her to come here, and she did.
Once in the house, she went straight for her bowl. She would eat quickly, come lean on me and purr. And she has been attached to me ever since. It has been hard to write reports, because she is snuggled against my chest, between me and the keyboard.
Next day, she is still on me. But I have convinced her to sleep on my lap instead of on my desk.
S#5 let me know there will be a birthday party for Papa Delana next month. I believe you and me and B#2 are the only ones who have not agree to come, yet. My youngest son is going. My middle son is thinking about it. His brother-in-law is getting married earlier in the month, and they all have to go to the mountains for a long weekend. At the moment, I am feeling rather cool and calm about the party. Will that last?????
Lots of hugs and kisses and love,
Clare
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
triggered
I'm so glad you are back…
I am in such a state of distress…
the young men (young man and youngest son) are pushing me past challenge into distress.
I am having trouble sleeping, eating, and maintaining calm.
I am shitting my brains out…
my GI tract is a great barometer for my internal environment.
My young man resists and refuses everything I suggest or direct him to do.
Outright refusal to work on homework…
or go to his room to read after we've had an outburst…
I found myself counting to 3 yesterday because he would not go to his room when directed…
he was causing conflict and I needed a break from him.
It occurred to me that I was reliving sending one of my young ones to time out and having them try a standoff…
the problem is that he is 17…
not 5…
and yet that is where he goes when he's angry.
I've reached out to the CYS worker and the director of his former group home to try to moderate this for us. I need help. He's triggering me like I haven't been triggered in a long time.
He tried to leave last evening.
I wanted to say, "go"…
but I told him that if he did I would have to call the police and have them pick him up…
which carry consequences.
Help me…
how do I do this?
I want to, but I don't know if I have the skills or patience.
Failure holds huge implications for his future.
Would he have been better off if I hadn't stepped forward and offered a home?
This process is exhausting…
and confusing…
and humbling…
and embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed how many times the words of Papa Delana come into my head during one of our conflicts. I do not say them out loud…
but I could;d so easily slip one of his barbs into a comeback and cut this kid to the quick. But, I am mature enough to hold it in. Maybe that's me trigger…
Maybe I'm fighting the fact that part of me could become like Papa D.
I've always decided against belittling and shaming children into submission. At this point there it is in my face…
more often than I care to admit.
I need a long distance perspective.
topic switch…
If you want to go to the coast of Maine I may be able to facilitate that for you. My elderly friend owns a cabin on Swan's Island, off the coast of Maine. She does not use it, sometimes it is rented, but I'm pretty sure she would allow you to use it. It is rustic- but you like remote and rustic. Here is a link to check it out...
http://www.swansisland.org
Opportunity is opening…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am in such a state of distress…
the young men (young man and youngest son) are pushing me past challenge into distress.
I am having trouble sleeping, eating, and maintaining calm.
I am shitting my brains out…
my GI tract is a great barometer for my internal environment.
My young man resists and refuses everything I suggest or direct him to do.
Outright refusal to work on homework…
or go to his room to read after we've had an outburst…
I found myself counting to 3 yesterday because he would not go to his room when directed…
he was causing conflict and I needed a break from him.
It occurred to me that I was reliving sending one of my young ones to time out and having them try a standoff…
the problem is that he is 17…
not 5…
and yet that is where he goes when he's angry.
I've reached out to the CYS worker and the director of his former group home to try to moderate this for us. I need help. He's triggering me like I haven't been triggered in a long time.
He tried to leave last evening.
I wanted to say, "go"…
but I told him that if he did I would have to call the police and have them pick him up…
which carry consequences.
Help me…
how do I do this?
I want to, but I don't know if I have the skills or patience.
Failure holds huge implications for his future.
Would he have been better off if I hadn't stepped forward and offered a home?
This process is exhausting…
and confusing…
and humbling…
and embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed how many times the words of Papa Delana come into my head during one of our conflicts. I do not say them out loud…
but I could;d so easily slip one of his barbs into a comeback and cut this kid to the quick. But, I am mature enough to hold it in. Maybe that's me trigger…
Maybe I'm fighting the fact that part of me could become like Papa D.
I've always decided against belittling and shaming children into submission. At this point there it is in my face…
more often than I care to admit.
I need a long distance perspective.
topic switch…
If you want to go to the coast of Maine I may be able to facilitate that for you. My elderly friend owns a cabin on Swan's Island, off the coast of Maine. She does not use it, sometimes it is rented, but I'm pretty sure she would allow you to use it. It is rustic- but you like remote and rustic. Here is a link to check it out...
http://www.swansisland.org
Opportunity is opening…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, August 29, 2016
settling in
Hey Maggie,
I had my first day back at work today. I got up, got ready, sat down at my computer, and was not sure what I do.
Then I remembered.
I am still trying to figure who and where I am and what happened while I was away.
While I was gone there was a storm, and the wind blew one of the screens out of the dining room window. My younger cat escaped. There have been sightings, but she will not come to any of us. I had this fantasy that I would get home, and she would hear my voice and come to me. Yeah, that has not happened.
It is amazing how close she was to feral, and probably is now. My biggest concern is that she will wander home pregnant and gift me with a litter of kittens. I will then be hitting friends and family up to adopt...but, we'll see. I do hope she comes home.
This year, out west, we had an adventure with the redwoods. We hiked through the grove that was used as a setting for the Forest Moon of Endor, home of the Ewoks in the Star Wars movie. There were ferns as tall as me. The trees stretched up forever. There were char marks on some of them. But someone who worked there said the grove became protected in the 1920s, and the trees were exactly the same now as they were then.
Being with the big trees was otherworldly. Nephew speculated that it was because the trees reach so high for their messages!
We also spent a short time at the beach, feeling the Pacific Ocean. I have been yearning for the ocean, wishing I had the money to rent a house on the shore of New Hampshire of Maine for a week or two...I loved the smell, but it made the yearning deeper.
I saw a seal swimming in the surf. That was cool. I picked up a small black pebble with a thin white line around it. My son told me it is a traveler's stone. It always brings you back to home, to where you began.
I hope it is portent. I would love to be a traveler.
I got to spend time with my grandchildren. It is so difficult only seeing them once per year. They grow and they change and I just get to see the big steps. At least I see them regularly enough for them to know me, for them to have a place to identify me in their lives. One night we made a Moroccan meal. My grandson found Moroccan music. My son put a gauze tent up in their yard. We sat on pillows on the ground, and we ate with no silverware.
I hope they remember the moments when I am there!!
So Dad went home today. Apparently he is doing well, healing quickly, and Mom said - strong as an ox. We still have not gotten there to visit.
My youngest and I had planned to go this summer, but she stretched the donor tendon in her knee, and will probably need a corrective surgery. She is in pain, waiting for her doctor to be available.
Life goes on...
Love and hugs from Clare
I had my first day back at work today. I got up, got ready, sat down at my computer, and was not sure what I do.
Then I remembered.
I am still trying to figure who and where I am and what happened while I was away.
While I was gone there was a storm, and the wind blew one of the screens out of the dining room window. My younger cat escaped. There have been sightings, but she will not come to any of us. I had this fantasy that I would get home, and she would hear my voice and come to me. Yeah, that has not happened.
It is amazing how close she was to feral, and probably is now. My biggest concern is that she will wander home pregnant and gift me with a litter of kittens. I will then be hitting friends and family up to adopt...but, we'll see. I do hope she comes home.
This year, out west, we had an adventure with the redwoods. We hiked through the grove that was used as a setting for the Forest Moon of Endor, home of the Ewoks in the Star Wars movie. There were ferns as tall as me. The trees stretched up forever. There were char marks on some of them. But someone who worked there said the grove became protected in the 1920s, and the trees were exactly the same now as they were then.
Being with the big trees was otherworldly. Nephew speculated that it was because the trees reach so high for their messages!
We also spent a short time at the beach, feeling the Pacific Ocean. I have been yearning for the ocean, wishing I had the money to rent a house on the shore of New Hampshire of Maine for a week or two...I loved the smell, but it made the yearning deeper.
I saw a seal swimming in the surf. That was cool. I picked up a small black pebble with a thin white line around it. My son told me it is a traveler's stone. It always brings you back to home, to where you began.
I hope it is portent. I would love to be a traveler.
I got to spend time with my grandchildren. It is so difficult only seeing them once per year. They grow and they change and I just get to see the big steps. At least I see them regularly enough for them to know me, for them to have a place to identify me in their lives. One night we made a Moroccan meal. My grandson found Moroccan music. My son put a gauze tent up in their yard. We sat on pillows on the ground, and we ate with no silverware.
I hope they remember the moments when I am there!!
So Dad went home today. Apparently he is doing well, healing quickly, and Mom said - strong as an ox. We still have not gotten there to visit.
My youngest and I had planned to go this summer, but she stretched the donor tendon in her knee, and will probably need a corrective surgery. She is in pain, waiting for her doctor to be available.
Life goes on...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, August 28, 2016
I'm back!
Hello Sister,
I am back! I got back yesterday afternoon. My granddaughter told her mother that she had to spend the night with me, because I had missed her too much. This morning she woke up talking, which is normal. She was saying, "We waited and we waited for you to come back home..."
I was going to write last night, but I was falling asleep sitting up. I was so tired. Then the little one started talking at 5:15 am. She assured me that she did not need to go back to sleep...
So much to think about, so much to share, but none of it is straight in my mind. It will probably all trickle out in the next few weeks.
Let's see, on the ride out, my first seat mate was a dwarf Amish man. It seemed surreal! Then there was the big, black stoic cowboy who did yo-yo tricks. My last seat mate was a transgender male who was into herbs and healing. He had lots of similar interests to mine. It felt like a spiritual connection, even if just for a moment. He needs to write a book about his experiences, but has trouble getting past the pain. I felt like I was channeling spirit when I told him he needed to write the book, and write it soon. There are too many young people who needed to share his experiences. I told him that he had to walk through the fear, and write.
I told him I expected a signed copy of the book...
When I got out to my son's home, my daughter-in-law had a book for me. It is called It Didn't Begin With You. The author explores the way ancestors and family members genetically and, almost psychically - maybe, inject us with their stuff.
There are a lot of written exercises, which I am in the midst of doing. One I am done, I would like to share the book with you, with some of my kids, with a friend. The writing coming out of me was eye-opening.For instance, fear of being invisible warring with wanting to be invisible.
The book says we must make peace with our parents. In trying to imagine hugging Dad, I found myself recoiling, possibly in fear. That was new...
I'll keep you posted!!
It sounds good, believe it or not, that your young man is willing to fight with you. It means he trusts you. Maybe he will want to change schools, but he has had so many changes, I understand not wanting to. It is hard to be the new kid.
It is back to work for me tomorrow. I am trying to get my stuff together, and to reorient myself and be here.
I'll be back regularly. I missed you, too. It was very frustrating not being able to make my tablet connect to this sight. Then my son's computer refused to recognize me and to let me into this page.
Crazy...
Love and hugs from Clare
I am back! I got back yesterday afternoon. My granddaughter told her mother that she had to spend the night with me, because I had missed her too much. This morning she woke up talking, which is normal. She was saying, "We waited and we waited for you to come back home..."
I was going to write last night, but I was falling asleep sitting up. I was so tired. Then the little one started talking at 5:15 am. She assured me that she did not need to go back to sleep...
So much to think about, so much to share, but none of it is straight in my mind. It will probably all trickle out in the next few weeks.
Let's see, on the ride out, my first seat mate was a dwarf Amish man. It seemed surreal! Then there was the big, black stoic cowboy who did yo-yo tricks. My last seat mate was a transgender male who was into herbs and healing. He had lots of similar interests to mine. It felt like a spiritual connection, even if just for a moment. He needs to write a book about his experiences, but has trouble getting past the pain. I felt like I was channeling spirit when I told him he needed to write the book, and write it soon. There are too many young people who needed to share his experiences. I told him that he had to walk through the fear, and write.
I told him I expected a signed copy of the book...
When I got out to my son's home, my daughter-in-law had a book for me. It is called It Didn't Begin With You. The author explores the way ancestors and family members genetically and, almost psychically - maybe, inject us with their stuff.
There are a lot of written exercises, which I am in the midst of doing. One I am done, I would like to share the book with you, with some of my kids, with a friend. The writing coming out of me was eye-opening.For instance, fear of being invisible warring with wanting to be invisible.
The book says we must make peace with our parents. In trying to imagine hugging Dad, I found myself recoiling, possibly in fear. That was new...
I'll keep you posted!!
It sounds good, believe it or not, that your young man is willing to fight with you. It means he trusts you. Maybe he will want to change schools, but he has had so many changes, I understand not wanting to. It is hard to be the new kid.
It is back to work for me tomorrow. I am trying to get my stuff together, and to reorient myself and be here.
I'll be back regularly. I missed you, too. It was very frustrating not being able to make my tablet connect to this sight. Then my son's computer refused to recognize me and to let me into this page.
Crazy...
Love and hugs from Clare
I miss you
Clare,
I am anxious for you to return. I just keep wallowing in my own shit right now.
School starts tomorrow.
My young man adamantly states "I cannot wait for school to start"…
he's trapped here…
in his mind.
He has 2 friends that he has consistently invited to come over and neither has come once…
they always have an excuse.
I've tried to pint out to him that they may not be a toed to him as he feels to them. If he goes into the next town they will shoot baskets with him…
but they never invite him to hang out and they do not accept his invitations.
They don't respond to his social media posts…
it's silence from the other end.
It is heartbreaking to watch him come to the realization…
but it opens possibilities of making new friends who care about him.
He is taking his frustration out on me…
probably because I am the one who sees it and is brave enough to talk with him about it.
I just hate being on the receiving end of other's garbage.
My youngest starts on Tuesday. He is looking forward to school for social reasons also, but he has near constant contact with his friends through the summer. He has a car and football practice since June.
They had their first football game on Friday. They lost 33 - 0. It was 0 - 0 up until 2 minutes left in the first half. The other team got a breakaway runner and scored a touchdown…and then they did it again. Our team pretty much gave up after the second half began. My youngest gained more than half of the offensive yards in the game…
he is a bull.
It's fun to watch him run…
but I worry about injuries…
and it was 90 degrees at game time.
Oh well every Friday evening will be football for the next 2.5 months.
The kitten is doing pretty well. It amazes me how strong she's grown in one week. She is climbing furniture, eating soft food, refusing her bottles, she learned to drink from a dish today…
it's such a rapid change.
She's got quite a personality. She really wants to cuddle our dog, but the dog isn't interested in her unless she gets food on her fur…
the the dog will lick her clean.
What a household.
A man in meeting today spoke about animals not acting out of reason…
he mused that spirit doesn't work from reason either.
It was an interesting concept…
no second guessing…
no worrying about consequences…
just moving towards what opens…
I have to hold that for a while.
I have my second class tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. I love teaching…
and the new challenge of a psych course…
it offers me new ways to deliver the messages.
I miss you…
I hope you are traveling well.
It sounds like Papa Delana is recovering well. He will probably be discharged tomorrow. I hope he doesn't try to do too much at first. I equally hope that his spirits raise with this surgery…
I am worried about depression in him.
He has definite flavors of bi-polar…
depression is just part of the cycle.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am anxious for you to return. I just keep wallowing in my own shit right now.
School starts tomorrow.
My young man adamantly states "I cannot wait for school to start"…
he's trapped here…
in his mind.
He has 2 friends that he has consistently invited to come over and neither has come once…
they always have an excuse.
I've tried to pint out to him that they may not be a toed to him as he feels to them. If he goes into the next town they will shoot baskets with him…
but they never invite him to hang out and they do not accept his invitations.
They don't respond to his social media posts…
it's silence from the other end.
It is heartbreaking to watch him come to the realization…
but it opens possibilities of making new friends who care about him.
He is taking his frustration out on me…
probably because I am the one who sees it and is brave enough to talk with him about it.
I just hate being on the receiving end of other's garbage.
My youngest starts on Tuesday. He is looking forward to school for social reasons also, but he has near constant contact with his friends through the summer. He has a car and football practice since June.
They had their first football game on Friday. They lost 33 - 0. It was 0 - 0 up until 2 minutes left in the first half. The other team got a breakaway runner and scored a touchdown…and then they did it again. Our team pretty much gave up after the second half began. My youngest gained more than half of the offensive yards in the game…
he is a bull.
It's fun to watch him run…
but I worry about injuries…
and it was 90 degrees at game time.
Oh well every Friday evening will be football for the next 2.5 months.
The kitten is doing pretty well. It amazes me how strong she's grown in one week. She is climbing furniture, eating soft food, refusing her bottles, she learned to drink from a dish today…
it's such a rapid change.
She's got quite a personality. She really wants to cuddle our dog, but the dog isn't interested in her unless she gets food on her fur…
the the dog will lick her clean.
What a household.
A man in meeting today spoke about animals not acting out of reason…
he mused that spirit doesn't work from reason either.
It was an interesting concept…
no second guessing…
no worrying about consequences…
just moving towards what opens…
I have to hold that for a while.
I have my second class tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. I love teaching…
and the new challenge of a psych course…
it offers me new ways to deliver the messages.
I miss you…
I hope you are traveling well.
It sounds like Papa Delana is recovering well. He will probably be discharged tomorrow. I hope he doesn't try to do too much at first. I equally hope that his spirits raise with this surgery…
I am worried about depression in him.
He has definite flavors of bi-polar…
depression is just part of the cycle.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, August 25, 2016
rollercoaster
Clare,
Hello sister. my life is a fricken' roller coaster.
I'm battling with my son and young man…
the blow ups are getting smaller with my son…
football is good for him.
the blow ups are getting bigger with the young man…
he is fighting to not get close.
Yesterday we had a great conversation…
he shared a lot of stuff…
and then proceeded to explode after we got home.
Life is never dull.
Last evening I taught my first social work class. It was great. I had such a fun time. I really do love to teach…
I'm thankful for the opportunity…
and the challenge of Masters level students.
They were engaged and funny.
I was able to see a lot of my social work friends…
many of whom are also teaching…
I'm so excited to be back in touch and working with them.
I've got to go feed a kitten.
I'll be back…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Hello sister. my life is a fricken' roller coaster.
I'm battling with my son and young man…
the blow ups are getting smaller with my son…
football is good for him.
the blow ups are getting bigger with the young man…
he is fighting to not get close.
Yesterday we had a great conversation…
he shared a lot of stuff…
and then proceeded to explode after we got home.
Life is never dull.
Last evening I taught my first social work class. It was great. I had such a fun time. I really do love to teach…
I'm thankful for the opportunity…
and the challenge of Masters level students.
They were engaged and funny.
I was able to see a lot of my social work friends…
many of whom are also teaching…
I'm so excited to be back in touch and working with them.
I've got to go feed a kitten.
I'll be back…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
selfish
Clare,
I miss you. I have not been giving myself time to do my daily self-care practices…
I've been skipping meditation, journaling and blogging…
it's taking a toll on me.
I feel stressed and tired.
Less than a week until my young man starts school and one week until my youngest's last first day of school. I need a break.
My young man is lying to get his way…
he says what he think I want to hear…
whether it is true or not…
whether he intends to try or not.
He's at the point of lying to appease me.
He was trying to set up going to the movies today with a friend…
a friend he was told to avoid by the group home he was living in…
the friend is in a lot of trouble…
but my young man is desperate to hang out with anyone so he thought it would be ok in a controlled setting…
like the mall and movie theater.
I explained my frustrations and disappointment.
He apologized…
but half-heartedly.
then he asks if/when he can have his cell phone back…
makes the apology seem cheap and exploitative.
I told him he can have it back when I can trust him…
he can set the tone of the relationship.
A few interesting revelations came out of the discussion though…
he has no real friends…
he calls a lot of people his friend, but they never invite him to hang out and don't want to come here to hang with him…
I'm not sure he'd ever thought of that before.
I wish we had had this discussion a month ago…
he's enrolled at his previous high school, even though we live in another district…
they tuition for the school is $4K more than the tuition at my youngest's parochial school…
and we are paying both out of pocket…
it might have been better to have a clean slate to make new friends…
shoulda, coulda, woulda…
gets me all the time.
I've tried to point out his isolation, resistance to engage, lack of trust for us, passive aggressive tendencies…not all at once, but over time. It's pretty classic for people with poor attachments to their parents…
We both wrote about this several times…
if Mom and Dad cannot love me why would anyone else ever love or value me?
It's classic…
it's difficult…
it sucks…
but the breakthrough happens when we open.
it takes courage…
and persistence…
and love.
I hope he has enough…
I hope I have enough…
we all need help.
I did another interview about Quakerism last night. I sent you the link on your email…
I think it went well.
It was with 4 women who do a "the View" type program…
it was silly, but serious at times.
Let me know what you think.
I am exhausted.
I need to spend quiet time with just me.
I need to be selfish for a day.
Oh by the way my youngest showed up with a 4 week old kitten found along a rural road…
we are now bottle feeding and worrying about hydration, baby poops, staying warm, etc…
Her name is Springsteen…
I think I'll nickname her Bruce.
She is very sweet.
the other animals are warming up to her slowly.
Life is never dull.
Tomorrow is my first day of Human Behavior class. I have to teach for part of the session…
I didn't think I was teaching until next week, so I am not totally prepared…
but- C'est la vie…
I will be the cool professor who lets them slide out the first night early- right??
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Safe travels,
Maggie
I miss you. I have not been giving myself time to do my daily self-care practices…
I've been skipping meditation, journaling and blogging…
it's taking a toll on me.
I feel stressed and tired.
Less than a week until my young man starts school and one week until my youngest's last first day of school. I need a break.
My young man is lying to get his way…
he says what he think I want to hear…
whether it is true or not…
whether he intends to try or not.
He's at the point of lying to appease me.
He was trying to set up going to the movies today with a friend…
a friend he was told to avoid by the group home he was living in…
the friend is in a lot of trouble…
but my young man is desperate to hang out with anyone so he thought it would be ok in a controlled setting…
like the mall and movie theater.
I explained my frustrations and disappointment.
He apologized…
but half-heartedly.
then he asks if/when he can have his cell phone back…
makes the apology seem cheap and exploitative.
I told him he can have it back when I can trust him…
he can set the tone of the relationship.
A few interesting revelations came out of the discussion though…
he has no real friends…
he calls a lot of people his friend, but they never invite him to hang out and don't want to come here to hang with him…
I'm not sure he'd ever thought of that before.
I wish we had had this discussion a month ago…
he's enrolled at his previous high school, even though we live in another district…
they tuition for the school is $4K more than the tuition at my youngest's parochial school…
and we are paying both out of pocket…
it might have been better to have a clean slate to make new friends…
shoulda, coulda, woulda…
gets me all the time.
I've tried to point out his isolation, resistance to engage, lack of trust for us, passive aggressive tendencies…not all at once, but over time. It's pretty classic for people with poor attachments to their parents…
We both wrote about this several times…
if Mom and Dad cannot love me why would anyone else ever love or value me?
It's classic…
it's difficult…
it sucks…
but the breakthrough happens when we open.
it takes courage…
and persistence…
and love.
I hope he has enough…
I hope I have enough…
we all need help.
I did another interview about Quakerism last night. I sent you the link on your email…
I think it went well.
It was with 4 women who do a "the View" type program…
it was silly, but serious at times.
Let me know what you think.
I am exhausted.
I need to spend quiet time with just me.
I need to be selfish for a day.
Oh by the way my youngest showed up with a 4 week old kitten found along a rural road…
we are now bottle feeding and worrying about hydration, baby poops, staying warm, etc…
Her name is Springsteen…
I think I'll nickname her Bruce.
She is very sweet.
the other animals are warming up to her slowly.
Life is never dull.
Tomorrow is my first day of Human Behavior class. I have to teach for part of the session…
I didn't think I was teaching until next week, so I am not totally prepared…
but- C'est la vie…
I will be the cool professor who lets them slide out the first night early- right??
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Safe travels,
Maggie
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
changing schedules
Clare,
How are you sister? I hope that you are having a good visit with your son's family. I had a day of running…
but I was alone most of the day…
I needed solitude.
I had a dentist appointment, a haircut, responsibility for enough meatballs for 50 hungry football players, print materials for a meeting tomorrow, trip to the university for HR paperwork, pick up son from football, meet with financial advisor, paperwork for school, now watching the Olympics.
It wasn't quiet…
but it is good to be alone.
I am struggling with the end of summer. The boys are both looking forward to seeing their friends. I hope they both focus on doing the work. I need their time to be more fully structured…
less boredom and down time…
less crappy choices during that down time.
I really hope we get into a better rhythm once they are back to school.
It is my youngest's last "first day of school".
I'm going to try to find the picture from his first…
that would be a great comparison.
All of my kids are getting ready for the beginning of their school years…
it's weird that we will have 5 in school at the same time…
5 tuitions to pay as well.
It's always something.
I want to find time for me once this all transitions. I am not sure where that time will be found though. I will have to wake up at 5:30 to get everything done before I have to leave. I want to be able to walk every day. I will have to budget time differently. My challenge will be doing more, but finding peace and quiet within the day also.
I need to find my deeper self again.
I am doing another interview on the local TV station about being Quaker next week I need to meditate on that before I speak to the hosts.
I've got to run and pick up my young man.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
How are you sister? I hope that you are having a good visit with your son's family. I had a day of running…
but I was alone most of the day…
I needed solitude.
I had a dentist appointment, a haircut, responsibility for enough meatballs for 50 hungry football players, print materials for a meeting tomorrow, trip to the university for HR paperwork, pick up son from football, meet with financial advisor, paperwork for school, now watching the Olympics.
It wasn't quiet…
but it is good to be alone.
I am struggling with the end of summer. The boys are both looking forward to seeing their friends. I hope they both focus on doing the work. I need their time to be more fully structured…
less boredom and down time…
less crappy choices during that down time.
I really hope we get into a better rhythm once they are back to school.
It is my youngest's last "first day of school".
I'm going to try to find the picture from his first…
that would be a great comparison.
All of my kids are getting ready for the beginning of their school years…
it's weird that we will have 5 in school at the same time…
5 tuitions to pay as well.
It's always something.
I want to find time for me once this all transitions. I am not sure where that time will be found though. I will have to wake up at 5:30 to get everything done before I have to leave. I want to be able to walk every day. I will have to budget time differently. My challenge will be doing more, but finding peace and quiet within the day also.
I need to find my deeper self again.
I am doing another interview on the local TV station about being Quaker next week I need to meditate on that before I speak to the hosts.
I've got to run and pick up my young man.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, August 13, 2016
a lot of stuff
Clare,
I hope that your trip is going well. Life is getting back to normal here, post-vacation.
I'm not sure life is ever normal here.
I would settle for stable…
or even boring once in a while.
So, there is a lot to write about…
Papa D. is in bad shape. It sounds like he's pretty depressed about his cancer. The tumor is large and invasive, but the surgeons may be able to resect the primary tumor. That will be good. If there isn't distant spread that may clear the cancer…
if it has spread there isn't much else to do. Husband called S#5 and they spoke. He offered any assistance to anyone that wants to talk.
It's a strange sense that someone who is "bigger than life" like Papa D, is being brought down by some rogue cells. Those cells went 'bad' because of choices and exposures in his life time.
Everything we do matters.
It all matters.
The other lesson is that none of us will last forever.
I had some revision surgery on my lady lumps this week.
I had scar tissue removed that was pulling and causing pain. The surgeon also worked on the sides that were funky. He used liposuction to contour the sides. It was crazy watching the fat being sucked out of my torso. He did only a small area, but it was enough to motivate me to go back on weight watchers. I needed a visual to motivate me…and that was quite visual. I'm healing pretty well. Some swelling, pain and bruising, but relatively mild for the work he did.
I am struggling with my young man's behaviors still. He agreed to do some things for me…
and then lied about doing them…
and then is angry when I point it out.
I hate being the strict/structured mom…
but if I allow him to get out of a commitment by lying then I've taught a poor lesson that won't serve him in life. He's tough to read sometimes. Fostering is harder than I ever thought it would be.
My youngest is finally ungrounded…
better mood because he's not stuck at home all the time.
At least I can breath on that front.
I hope your trip is safe and swift. I look forward to your return here, to our virtual space.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I hope that your trip is going well. Life is getting back to normal here, post-vacation.
I'm not sure life is ever normal here.
I would settle for stable…
or even boring once in a while.
So, there is a lot to write about…
Papa D. is in bad shape. It sounds like he's pretty depressed about his cancer. The tumor is large and invasive, but the surgeons may be able to resect the primary tumor. That will be good. If there isn't distant spread that may clear the cancer…
if it has spread there isn't much else to do. Husband called S#5 and they spoke. He offered any assistance to anyone that wants to talk.
It's a strange sense that someone who is "bigger than life" like Papa D, is being brought down by some rogue cells. Those cells went 'bad' because of choices and exposures in his life time.
Everything we do matters.
It all matters.
The other lesson is that none of us will last forever.
I had some revision surgery on my lady lumps this week.
I had scar tissue removed that was pulling and causing pain. The surgeon also worked on the sides that were funky. He used liposuction to contour the sides. It was crazy watching the fat being sucked out of my torso. He did only a small area, but it was enough to motivate me to go back on weight watchers. I needed a visual to motivate me…and that was quite visual. I'm healing pretty well. Some swelling, pain and bruising, but relatively mild for the work he did.
I am struggling with my young man's behaviors still. He agreed to do some things for me…
and then lied about doing them…
and then is angry when I point it out.
I hate being the strict/structured mom…
but if I allow him to get out of a commitment by lying then I've taught a poor lesson that won't serve him in life. He's tough to read sometimes. Fostering is harder than I ever thought it would be.
My youngest is finally ungrounded…
better mood because he's not stuck at home all the time.
At least I can breath on that front.
I hope your trip is safe and swift. I look forward to your return here, to our virtual space.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, August 8, 2016
tired
Clare,
We are home…
thank goodness.
Our week ended again in drama…
I can't stand it.
My older son went on a rampage about everyone hating him…
I told him he was wrong, but he wouldn't hear me. I tried to tell him that I would not ever demand everyone travel together again…
he heard that I wouldn't invite him and his girlfriend again.
He blew up…
threw his credit card across the room…
"I don't need you!"
I arranged an earlier ferry for the first car load…
sent them off the island.
Then I sat for about 2 hours and waited for my own departure.
Long drive…
very stiff…
tired out.
The Pokemon Go game is not something I would encourage…
sorry…
People all over the island were staring at their phones catching virtual reality critters…
ignoring the people right next to them.
Perhaps the game creators (or the government) doesn't want us to talk and interact…
sharing words might mean questions and having to find answers…
make everyone ignore their fellow human beings.
I was frustrated because he says he wants to feel a part of the family and then isolates with his phone. He does a lot of dual talking…
it's confusing to me…
and to him I'm sure.
I don't want him to live in a fantasy world…
he has to face life and reality some times.
I spoke with my boss today…
about wanting a perfect vacation with family.
She laughed out loud…
"no one has a perfect family!"
I needed to hear that.
I am ready for school to begin again. My youngest is starting serious football workouts. I was making a list of things to buy for school with my young man today. They both need more structure to their daily routines. I need structure.
I started preparing my first lecture for my new course. I'm teaching human behavior for the university that I earned my Masters from. It will be a change of pace…
a good challenge.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Happy and safe travels,
Maggie
We are home…
thank goodness.
Our week ended again in drama…
I can't stand it.
My older son went on a rampage about everyone hating him…
I told him he was wrong, but he wouldn't hear me. I tried to tell him that I would not ever demand everyone travel together again…
he heard that I wouldn't invite him and his girlfriend again.
He blew up…
threw his credit card across the room…
"I don't need you!"
I arranged an earlier ferry for the first car load…
sent them off the island.
Then I sat for about 2 hours and waited for my own departure.
Long drive…
very stiff…
tired out.
The Pokemon Go game is not something I would encourage…
sorry…
People all over the island were staring at their phones catching virtual reality critters…
ignoring the people right next to them.
Perhaps the game creators (or the government) doesn't want us to talk and interact…
sharing words might mean questions and having to find answers…
make everyone ignore their fellow human beings.
I was frustrated because he says he wants to feel a part of the family and then isolates with his phone. He does a lot of dual talking…
it's confusing to me…
and to him I'm sure.
I don't want him to live in a fantasy world…
he has to face life and reality some times.
I spoke with my boss today…
about wanting a perfect vacation with family.
She laughed out loud…
"no one has a perfect family!"
I needed to hear that.
I am ready for school to begin again. My youngest is starting serious football workouts. I was making a list of things to buy for school with my young man today. They both need more structure to their daily routines. I need structure.
I started preparing my first lecture for my new course. I'm teaching human behavior for the university that I earned my Masters from. It will be a change of pace…
a good challenge.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Happy and safe travels,
Maggie
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Breathe it all in
Hey Maggie,
Breathe...breathe in the ocean air, breathe in some sunshine. Why don't you ask the kids to go look for the gigantic alligator on the golf course. That will keep them busy!
Rather than delete Pokemon Go, why not ask him to set specific time limits...like kids with their screen time allowances. Playing Pokemon Go seems to make people part of a community. I would think long and hard before taking it away. Is anyone else playing? Maybe brother-in-law should play!! Maybe someone should join him rather than expecting him to join you...
Big question - who finally got the bedroom with the private bath?
There is a lot of drama: Fighting demos for the fam, running away and making people search. Classic!
I think the beach house could be you and husband's retreat, with an occasional sister's weekend...
With the dream, I didn't panic. I stood up and walked away. I agree that I will have to see what is there, but I didn't panic, I didn't wake up hyperventilating. I felt strong when I woke up.
I really didn't think I was going to visit my son and his family this year. I truly thought they would be closer. So I have been preparing in a more haphazard fashion than usual. Usually, I am prepared. This year - not so much. I was starting to worry, wondering if I was supposed to go, because nothing was falling into place. S#3 noted the same thing - saying maybe I should stay home. But my grandchildren are counting on me coming to visit. I need to see them - it's only once a year.
Today, though, things started falling into place. So I have to trust the process. I leave on Saturday morning.
My youngest had an MRI today. She has been having chronic pain in her shoulders and neck ever since her C-section. Apparently, that is not unusual. Since it continues to plague her, they want to make sure it is not structural. She finds out on Monday.
So I am making lists...what do I need to take?????
I will check in...since it will be with a tablet, my typing will leave much to be desired...but I will be checking in!
Love and hugs from Clare
Breathe...breathe in the ocean air, breathe in some sunshine. Why don't you ask the kids to go look for the gigantic alligator on the golf course. That will keep them busy!
Rather than delete Pokemon Go, why not ask him to set specific time limits...like kids with their screen time allowances. Playing Pokemon Go seems to make people part of a community. I would think long and hard before taking it away. Is anyone else playing? Maybe brother-in-law should play!! Maybe someone should join him rather than expecting him to join you...
Big question - who finally got the bedroom with the private bath?
There is a lot of drama: Fighting demos for the fam, running away and making people search. Classic!
I think the beach house could be you and husband's retreat, with an occasional sister's weekend...
With the dream, I didn't panic. I stood up and walked away. I agree that I will have to see what is there, but I didn't panic, I didn't wake up hyperventilating. I felt strong when I woke up.
I really didn't think I was going to visit my son and his family this year. I truly thought they would be closer. So I have been preparing in a more haphazard fashion than usual. Usually, I am prepared. This year - not so much. I was starting to worry, wondering if I was supposed to go, because nothing was falling into place. S#3 noted the same thing - saying maybe I should stay home. But my grandchildren are counting on me coming to visit. I need to see them - it's only once a year.
Today, though, things started falling into place. So I have to trust the process. I leave on Saturday morning.
My youngest had an MRI today. She has been having chronic pain in her shoulders and neck ever since her C-section. Apparently, that is not unusual. Since it continues to plague her, they want to make sure it is not structural. She finds out on Monday.
So I am making lists...what do I need to take?????
I will check in...since it will be with a tablet, my typing will leave much to be desired...but I will be checking in!
Love and hugs from Clare
challenges
Clare,
I am in paradise and I'm frustrated…
story of my life.
We are not permitted to post the young man on social media for confidentiality reasons.
He is upset that he is not appearing in the photos…
we had a long talk about it…
several times…
but it is a very clearly stated rule with CYS.
He is also going through a lot of angst about not fitting in…
not understanding family jokes…
that sort of thing.
But he isn't willing to sit and listen…
or even sit and just hang out with us. If he's in the house he is sitting with his cell phone plastered to his face…
playing Pokemon Go…
and then he runs out to chase virtual reality critters instead of being with real people.
I may require that he delete the game from his phone…
it's an obstacle to communication with him.
He is really challenging me on this trip. I'm failing the challenge.
My older son's having relationship issues here as well. They both trigger into anger really easily. I have heard more loud arguing and "f" bombs this week than I care to hear in a lifetime. Last night I finally had enough. I went into their room and told them they are free to disagree, but not in a disrespectful manner and not loudly enough for the whole family to hear. It ended with his girlfriend going for a brisk walk at midnight and the boys searching the island for her when she didn't come back.
My youngest likes to climb onto the highest peak of the roof…
yesterday with a beer and call to passing by carts and bikes. He had the young man up there 2 days ago. He was offended when we told him to get down.
DRAMA!
what a pain in the ass all of this is.
I don't think I'm going to do this family vacation again until they are all older and more stable.
I think this is going to be husband and my retreat for the next few years.
Maybe if they don't come for a few years they will appreciate the beauty and magic of the island…
and avoid the drama.
I wish I could just remove all of them without being a b---h…
I want peace and solitude.
I am getting a lot of exercise…
walking, biking, ocean swimming, yoga…
hopefully paddle boarding later today…
I love the weather…
it allows me to be as active as I care to be.
I hope that you have a wonderful trip west. When do you leave?
The house dream has to do with your soul…
what is in the back that is part of your soul that frightens you?
I say go there and see.
Courage sister…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am in paradise and I'm frustrated…
story of my life.
We are not permitted to post the young man on social media for confidentiality reasons.
He is upset that he is not appearing in the photos…
we had a long talk about it…
several times…
but it is a very clearly stated rule with CYS.
He is also going through a lot of angst about not fitting in…
not understanding family jokes…
that sort of thing.
But he isn't willing to sit and listen…
or even sit and just hang out with us. If he's in the house he is sitting with his cell phone plastered to his face…
playing Pokemon Go…
and then he runs out to chase virtual reality critters instead of being with real people.
I may require that he delete the game from his phone…
it's an obstacle to communication with him.
He is really challenging me on this trip. I'm failing the challenge.
My older son's having relationship issues here as well. They both trigger into anger really easily. I have heard more loud arguing and "f" bombs this week than I care to hear in a lifetime. Last night I finally had enough. I went into their room and told them they are free to disagree, but not in a disrespectful manner and not loudly enough for the whole family to hear. It ended with his girlfriend going for a brisk walk at midnight and the boys searching the island for her when she didn't come back.
My youngest likes to climb onto the highest peak of the roof…
yesterday with a beer and call to passing by carts and bikes. He had the young man up there 2 days ago. He was offended when we told him to get down.
DRAMA!
what a pain in the ass all of this is.
I don't think I'm going to do this family vacation again until they are all older and more stable.
I think this is going to be husband and my retreat for the next few years.
Maybe if they don't come for a few years they will appreciate the beauty and magic of the island…
and avoid the drama.
I wish I could just remove all of them without being a b---h…
I want peace and solitude.
I am getting a lot of exercise…
walking, biking, ocean swimming, yoga…
hopefully paddle boarding later today…
I love the weather…
it allows me to be as active as I care to be.
I hope that you have a wonderful trip west. When do you leave?
The house dream has to do with your soul…
what is in the back that is part of your soul that frightens you?
I say go there and see.
Courage sister…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
wind-naked/sun-melted
Hey Sister!
Enjoying the sun? And the surf? And the ocean breezes?
I saw your family portrait at the house, and was surprised your foster son was not there...
I saw two quotes that set my mind into overdrive. So I decided to share them with you, since you are in a place where you can relax and think, and play.
There is a rule, either you do spiritual practices, or the unconscious will force you to act them out in pseudo-ritual ways. I really believe that a lot of addictions and compulsive behaviors are unconscious ritual. -Robert Moore
And so I have been thinking about addiction and compulsion. My brain was comparing sharing a bowl with someone to a Japanese tea ceremony.
Addiction in community - drinking together, smoking together, whatever together always seems to have protocols. The rules create community. You are in if you know how to do whatever it is they everyone is doing.
But on the other hand, we don't seem to have rituals that celebrate anything authentic anymore. We don't celebrate manhood or womanhood - there are no ceremonies for first menses anymore. We just become adult woman by learning to hide it and to not change our behavior in the least.
High school graduation - maybe. Release from the institution! The prom - big stretch. I don't know.
Maybe the lack of authentic celebrations leads to isolation and therefore to addiction, to numbing...
And compulsion - so many of them seem to be rooted in, "I forgot to do something!" I forgot to develop a spiritual practice, maybe!?
The other quote is:
For what is to die but stand naked in the Wind and melt into the Sun? And what is to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless Tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of Silence, shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the Earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly Dance. -Kahlil Gibran
To drink from the River of Silence...wow...to drink from the River of Silence. Is this what we do in meeting? Is worship just a little death, we meet - expanded and freed, naked and melting, singing and dancing...for just a short while.
And it described the process Dad is going through - whether now or in 5 years from now - we are all in process of leaving - beautifully. It doesn't seem frightening. We are all trying to figure out how to get naked in the wind and melt into the sun. But some of us, ahem, are sort of bouncing around on one foot with our other foot stuck in our jeans, hoping we won't fall on the others and start a domino topple.
I had an odd dream about an old friend. People used to mistake us for each other. We met at Meeting, then discovered our sons were pen-pals through their kindergarten classes.
I dreamed she moved to this area. I dreamed she moved into the house I lived in after I lost the land. I went home with her, and was shocked to slowly realize this was my former home. She repainted a few of the walls, but all of the furniture was exactly the way I had it. I was looking around, and I realize this was not my former physical home, this was a part of the dream house with the scary thing in it. I started being drawn back a hallway, and realized I was going to be terrified, so I just sort of said, "No, I'm not doing that." and I left.
I woke up surprised that there was still the scary thing, and that I was almost tricked into going back there. But when I woke up, I was breathing normally, and my heart was not racing.
I'm not sure what it means. Does my old friend stand for me?
As I was writing this, it sort of came to me that the scary thing is probably something that happened to me. And suddenly I wondered what the wind-naked, sun-melted, expanded, climbing, singing, dancing Clare will say when looking at what happened. And this Clare was so loving, compassionate, warm and mothering with the wounded self hiding in the scary place.
Changes are happening!
Any dolphins yet?
Love and hugs from Clare
Enjoying the sun? And the surf? And the ocean breezes?
I saw your family portrait at the house, and was surprised your foster son was not there...
I saw two quotes that set my mind into overdrive. So I decided to share them with you, since you are in a place where you can relax and think, and play.
There is a rule, either you do spiritual practices, or the unconscious will force you to act them out in pseudo-ritual ways. I really believe that a lot of addictions and compulsive behaviors are unconscious ritual. -Robert Moore
And so I have been thinking about addiction and compulsion. My brain was comparing sharing a bowl with someone to a Japanese tea ceremony.
Addiction in community - drinking together, smoking together, whatever together always seems to have protocols. The rules create community. You are in if you know how to do whatever it is they everyone is doing.
But on the other hand, we don't seem to have rituals that celebrate anything authentic anymore. We don't celebrate manhood or womanhood - there are no ceremonies for first menses anymore. We just become adult woman by learning to hide it and to not change our behavior in the least.
High school graduation - maybe. Release from the institution! The prom - big stretch. I don't know.
Maybe the lack of authentic celebrations leads to isolation and therefore to addiction, to numbing...
And compulsion - so many of them seem to be rooted in, "I forgot to do something!" I forgot to develop a spiritual practice, maybe!?
The other quote is:
For what is to die but stand naked in the Wind and melt into the Sun? And what is to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless Tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of Silence, shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the Earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly Dance. -Kahlil Gibran
To drink from the River of Silence...wow...to drink from the River of Silence. Is this what we do in meeting? Is worship just a little death, we meet - expanded and freed, naked and melting, singing and dancing...for just a short while.
And it described the process Dad is going through - whether now or in 5 years from now - we are all in process of leaving - beautifully. It doesn't seem frightening. We are all trying to figure out how to get naked in the wind and melt into the sun. But some of us, ahem, are sort of bouncing around on one foot with our other foot stuck in our jeans, hoping we won't fall on the others and start a domino topple.
I had an odd dream about an old friend. People used to mistake us for each other. We met at Meeting, then discovered our sons were pen-pals through their kindergarten classes.
I dreamed she moved to this area. I dreamed she moved into the house I lived in after I lost the land. I went home with her, and was shocked to slowly realize this was my former home. She repainted a few of the walls, but all of the furniture was exactly the way I had it. I was looking around, and I realize this was not my former physical home, this was a part of the dream house with the scary thing in it. I started being drawn back a hallway, and realized I was going to be terrified, so I just sort of said, "No, I'm not doing that." and I left.
I woke up surprised that there was still the scary thing, and that I was almost tricked into going back there. But when I woke up, I was breathing normally, and my heart was not racing.
I'm not sure what it means. Does my old friend stand for me?
As I was writing this, it sort of came to me that the scary thing is probably something that happened to me. And suddenly I wondered what the wind-naked, sun-melted, expanded, climbing, singing, dancing Clare will say when looking at what happened. And this Clare was so loving, compassionate, warm and mothering with the wounded self hiding in the scary place.
Changes are happening!
Any dolphins yet?
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, August 1, 2016
island girl
Hey Island Girl,
Sounds like you are having fun. Sounds idyllic.
I am getting ready to leave for the west. I will get on the bus on Saturday. It has been a drama, but I'm going. The drama has been my delaying because we don't know what is happening with the potential job and move. But at this point, they are losing hope, and the move probably would not be until after I left anyway. So it's time to...cut bait and fish?
I'm taking my tablet with me, so I'll meet you here!
We are going to go camping along the last wild river left in the country.
It is feeling like late summer now. It is dark when I get up again. I have been going out to pick herbs in the early morning light, but this morning, it was more of a grope around in the dark. Luckily, I have my landscape memorized! And in the evenings, I hear crickets and tree frogs - definitely the sounds of late summer. I can sense autumn. It's all coming too fast!
I have been feeling at loose ends, and so I dove into family history again last night. I dive, and play in the dates and names, and the history. When I come up for air, four hours have passed. Last night a separate, logical part of myself was questioning - Why is this fun? And the best I could figure is that it is like putting a puzzle together. I see lines and patterns, and I see us embedded in history.
I also found that we are descended from Brian Boru!
Nephew and his girlfriend are getting their own place on September 1. I will have my house back to myself. Actually, once he fell for her, I started seeing him once every two weeks or so. It has been quiet here. But now I can decide if I want to move back upstairs,. The big room upstairs was mine, until my youngest came home pregnant, and I decided she needed the extra room. The downstairs room is convenient in the winter - for getting up in the middle of the night to put wood on the fire. But it is definitely warmer upstairs - a perk for winter.
No matter what, I will have more room for guests. My neighbor has said, repeatedly, once Nephew moves out, someone else is coming right in.
She is usually right.
Did you see my email about the musical near here in October? Maybe for a sister's weekend? Any thoughts? S#4 has not said anything, either, so I sicced S#5 on her!!
Ah, and it's late summer, and I am living on melon. And cucumber! I love this time of year!
Keep me posted about life on the island...I want to dream!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sounds like you are having fun. Sounds idyllic.
I am getting ready to leave for the west. I will get on the bus on Saturday. It has been a drama, but I'm going. The drama has been my delaying because we don't know what is happening with the potential job and move. But at this point, they are losing hope, and the move probably would not be until after I left anyway. So it's time to...cut bait and fish?
I'm taking my tablet with me, so I'll meet you here!
We are going to go camping along the last wild river left in the country.
It is feeling like late summer now. It is dark when I get up again. I have been going out to pick herbs in the early morning light, but this morning, it was more of a grope around in the dark. Luckily, I have my landscape memorized! And in the evenings, I hear crickets and tree frogs - definitely the sounds of late summer. I can sense autumn. It's all coming too fast!
I have been feeling at loose ends, and so I dove into family history again last night. I dive, and play in the dates and names, and the history. When I come up for air, four hours have passed. Last night a separate, logical part of myself was questioning - Why is this fun? And the best I could figure is that it is like putting a puzzle together. I see lines and patterns, and I see us embedded in history.
I also found that we are descended from Brian Boru!
Nephew and his girlfriend are getting their own place on September 1. I will have my house back to myself. Actually, once he fell for her, I started seeing him once every two weeks or so. It has been quiet here. But now I can decide if I want to move back upstairs,. The big room upstairs was mine, until my youngest came home pregnant, and I decided she needed the extra room. The downstairs room is convenient in the winter - for getting up in the middle of the night to put wood on the fire. But it is definitely warmer upstairs - a perk for winter.
No matter what, I will have more room for guests. My neighbor has said, repeatedly, once Nephew moves out, someone else is coming right in.
She is usually right.
Did you see my email about the musical near here in October? Maybe for a sister's weekend? Any thoughts? S#4 has not said anything, either, so I sicced S#5 on her!!
Ah, and it's late summer, and I am living on melon. And cucumber! I love this time of year!
Keep me posted about life on the island...I want to dream!
Love and hugs from Clare
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