The Grand Finale

Hey Maggie,

My daughter is CHK2 negative.

And with that bit of glorious news, I have a feeling this blog has served its purpose and run its course.

It has been a fabulous 5 and a half years.  It has been a wonderful 2402 posts.

I love you forever!!!

Clare

balance

Hey Maggie,

I completely understand the way genetics works.  And thanks for the offer.  I think I'll wait and see what my daughter's doc says.  For some reason, I am not worried. You and S#4 were both sure you had the mutation - and breast cancer, and both of you were correct. Sometimes I think we are more connected to our bodies, our truths than we suspect.

The book is developing.  Not much on paper lately, but I am getting it. I wish I actually had time to write.  But I think when I am ready to push, I won't be able to stop. It will be like all my other birthing experiences!  I still don't want to out us, but I guess I will.

I think.

The internet went down here for a few hours today.  I missed 2.5 hours of work.  That will be a bit of a hit, because I took two days off for Thanksgiving.  But what was worse?  funnier?  was that I felt like a bad girl.  I knew I was supposed to be working, and I wasn't. I felt incredibly guilty.  I think I am a bit more OCD about work that I have ever realized!

Lots going on, but not mine to discuss...and so I will follow up on the two men chiding me for being an awful woman..  And I find I don't care. It was topped this weekend by two young people who were friends with my kids when teens.  Both told me how much of a positive impact I had on their lives.  I was so touched.

Balance!

Love and hugs from Clare

crazy dreams

Clare,
I appreciate your oldest's willingness to have her genetic testing, but it only answers the question, Does she carry the mutation? If you carry the CHEK2 then each of your children have a 50% chance of having it...
that means that all could carry it- or none could carry it-but each has a 50/50 chance of having inherited it...
But, dear sister, you should have the testing. If you are negative none have to worry about it. If you choose to go ahead with the testing I will pay for it...just an offer...no pressure.

So, I am exhausted and in pain...
my feet are killing me. The orthotics that take the pressure off my sprained ankle and heave allowed that to heal are causing a lot of pressure on my metatarsal heads...
I cannot believe how painful this is.
NSAIDS- like ibuprofen- cause serious GI upset.
I've tried topical...
ice...
copper sleeves...
you name it...
but, no relief.
So I tried CBD...
And have been having less pain, but really vivid dreams...
crazy, animated-like dreams...
people being killed...
I had to stop...
I was being awakened by my crazy dreams multiple times each night...
hence more exhaustion.

Disappointing news- my teen parenting classroom pilot has been denied by the state for funding. Now, I've got to find another funding source.
You write your book and I'll dig up money.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

classically conditioned

And last night I dreamed of a parade of victims. Occasionally someone would stop and hug a rescuer in the crowd along the street.

Hey Maggie!

You seem to be really exhausted.  Are you ready for the holidays?  Do you think you'll be able to get through them?  I'm emotionally preparing.  It is never easy, but I always have that inner little girl who thinks this year will be magic.

Actually I released all of that expectation, about everything, years ago. I get ready for the holidays, as much as I can, then - whatever happens is okay.

I continue to struggle with the book.  But the friend who is living here now encouraged me to get a big piece of poster board.  I did it, and have been writing ideas and drawing bubbles and lines...it is percolating.  And I think the dreams tie in.

I introduced her to Brene last night. We watched both of her TED talks.  I knew I needed to see them again.

And I am doing the shame thing.  I am waiting until I am okay, until I am good enough, before I move forward. 

My oldest has excellent insurance, and opted to go for the genetic testing for our family mutation.  She said she is doing it for me.  I think she is also doing it because her inner scientist wants to know.  They were surprised that we have it, because they said it is a Finnish thing.  I reminded her that Grammy was Saami.  The interesting thing is that there is also something about Saami that resists HIV.

I went to youtube last night to listen to Saami people.  I was wondering if it would sound "right".  I'm not sure if it was at all familiar.

And I was looking at the Mayflower story, I guess because of Thanksgiving.  So far I have identified 5 of our ancestors on the voyage.  Three of them are a mother-father-daughter triad.  The parents did not survive.

I have decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as it was originally intended - as a harvest festival.  Agrarian people have done this ever since they began farming. It is human nature to celebrate, and so there was the feast once the hard work of preserving, storing, and butchering were done for the winter. And so we continue with this preChristian tradition.

And Thanksgiving is followed by Buy-Nothing Day, another favorite!  It is the day to think about Christmas, and how we would like to celebrate, rather than to be led like slobbering idiots by the big box stores.

I have been thinking about Pavlov's dog and classical conditioning a lot lately.  every time I see someone respond to their phone - the dog is salivating.  Every time we follow cultural commands - go fight to be the first into Walmart - salivation.  We are so well trained!

And so I will take my jaded self to dinner.

Love and hugs from Clare

trial

Claire,

Strange dreams...
but you are protecting the youngest, most vulnerable...
that is good.

The meeting went well. He validated my interpersonal conflicts with my co-worker...
Me Too moment.
But I still have to deal with the stress regularly. I did request a lap top to be able to work remotely. I need to be in my home space more than I've been this year. It's confusing how much I like and admire this co-worker, but how frustrating I find interactions with her.
She is 15 years older than I am...
I feel as if I will be a perpetual child...
never be allowed to mature...
But- I am mature.
I am confident.
I am competent.
I just have a different approach and manner.

Sometimes I want to quit and stay home, read, walk, garden, and cook.
So much for being a change-maker, feminist, trendsetter.
Do you ever wonder if your education was a waste?
That thought keeps me working...
It all means something and can certainly help others.

I went to a program on Moral Injury last Thursday...
the discussion was about veterans and their mental health issues after returning from deployment. The author and producers feel that the issue isn't PTSD, but moral injury. Witnessing, not helping, performing acts that go against your soul's moral compass, against your deepest sense of right and wrong...
that's the struggle to re-enter the real world...
And how difficult it is to cope with the memories of what you did, or failed to do.
It feels right...
more right than PTSD.

I am exhausted...
too tired to remember my dreams.
I hate being this tired.
I started a trial of CBD oil...
30 days to see if it helps my mood, my foot pain, what ever...
I will let you know.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

dreaming like crazy

Hi Maggie,

Good luck with your meeting.  I hope you find words your manager can hear.  I hope you find balance.

I am back in a dreaming phase. Right before we left the farm and moved here, I dreamed I was in school. For months I attended classes.  I except for the university.t seems to be happening again.

Last night I spent a lot of time on a small urban university campus.  I can only find the library.  I get lost going everywhere else.  I left the library and started walking toward town, but everything was dark.  The whole town was in a blackout.  I found my youngest granddaughter, and stayed with her, waiting for her mom to get us.

Then I slipped to a different time/place.  I saw B#1 take my youngest granddaughter into my chicken house.  I followed him and saw him put her on the floor and climb on top of her. I came from behind.  He was wearing loose blue briefs, and I could see his scrotum - because the shorts were so loose. I walked up, leaned over, and said...You get your penis away from her.  He got up and ran.

Then I was back in school.  I was in class where we were being given bits of information and had to solve mysteries.  But there wasn't enough room for all of the classes, so we had to make room for a class, then a painting class, so we were squeezed in.

It has been interesting!!

Love and hugs from Clare

need peace

Claire,

I am still fighting a cold...
typical for this time of year.
I'm so glad it is Friday...
work is incredibly demanding. My board chair/boss wants to meet next week to discuss the job...
good and bad...
I cannot even figure out what to talk about. It's about lack of balance...
running full speed most of the time.
I'm not sure I'm doing what I am supposed to be because it is so hectic. I want to be able to breathe and enjoy some time with people.
Listen to them...
hear what they have to say...
Learn from them...
be present.
Instead I am jotting notes about other things that pop into my head when someone else speaks.

I'm still trying to get new floor in my house- since August...
I'm living with minimal furniture and nothing where it belongs...
waiting on someone else's schedule...
mine doesn't matter to them.

I'm tired...
unbalanced...
needing some internal peace...
That's how I am at this point.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

forward...

Hi Maggie,

I am glad you are home.  It sounds like you are centered. Being there helps make you strong.

This summer - I don't think either one of us thought we were going to become a couple.  Too many red flags.  And too much of being more like best friends.  All of this anger and meanness is actually a glorious temper tantrum.  There is too much to go into here, but we react differently.  I am expected to be submissive and do whatever I can to make sure he likes me.  It bothers me that the friendship is ending, because we have been talking for about 5 years.  And I appreciate his intelligence and his worldview.  We have had some amazing conversations.  But I would not want to be in love with this guy.  It would be painful.

So I have been stymied on the book...going in circles...not finding way.

Then as I was reading Smithsonian, I got a glimpse.  There is an article,  Theater of War. A man named Bryan Doerries is using the Greek tragedies to create an opening for vets and others to reach that emotional point where healing can begin.

He said,  "Through tragedy, the great Athenian poets were not articulating a pessimistic or fatalistic view of human experience; nor were they bent on filling audiences with despair.  Instead, they were giving voice to timeless human experiences - of suffering and of grief - that, when viewed by a large audience that had shared those experiences, fostered compassion, understanding, and a deeply felt interconnection. Through tragedy, the Greeks faced the darkness of human existence as a community."

I don't want to write about bad things that happened to us, look how screwed up we are.  I want to shine the light in the swamp. Maybe then we can see who all is in their with us, and all help each other out. And then, together, we can shine the light and make sure no one else gets pulled into the muck and believes they deserve to be there.

I saw a headline recently that said that lack of connection is the root of all addiction.  I want to create connection.

So what I am going to do is mine this blog.  I am going to copy/paste some of my writing into Dreams or Aha!  or whatever.  It may help me think about which way to go...

I love you.  I hope you are feeling better and maintaining better...

Love and hugs from Clare

sabotage

Clare,

I'm back from the island.
Before I left, I completed the 5 K that I organized for my work...
I had some great support on the day of the race...
but carried much of the organizational responsibilities myself.
I became ill the day of the race.
I slept 3.5 of the 6 days I was on the island.
I decided at one point that I needed to see a doctor...
but the clinic on the island closed- so I gutted it out.
I am fine...at least healing.

I am confused about your summer visitor.
Did he come over with expectations of becoming a couple?
What were his expectations?
What were yours?
Is he so cruel because you didn't reciprocate?
Humans are kind until they are hurt...
then they strike out at you.

I am trading water at work. I cannot keep up the pace that I've been maintaining since the spring. Part of me wants to go back to part-time...
I need time for me.
I miss walking, yoga, meditation, crafting, reading, playing.
I have a meeting with my board chair soon, I am trying to decide what I want from all of this.
My co-worker, former boss, makes the office very "prickly" when I get attention she used to receive. I hate walking on egg shells when her nose gets bent out of shape. I hate dramatics.
I also have not yet figured out how to assert myself as the "executive director" because she maintains the role- minus the administrative bull that goes along with it. I am her secretary as well as my own, do the office bills and banking, I am a 'wife'.
I need a wife.
Part of me wants to just quit...
I think that's a direct sabotage of some potentially good work...
but it is honest.

I am going to try to be more disciplined with my habits...
yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging...
most have gone by the wayside because of my puppy.
He has needed a lot of time and attention, particularly in the morning...
but he's getting less needed...
and it's getting darker and cold in the morning.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

endings

Hey Sister,

Hope  you had fun on the island. I hope you had a chance to breathe and watch sunsets and walk in the sand.

Life has been much the same here.  My friend who visited this summer and I have had a total breach, I think.  He decided I am abusive, sadistic, a pathological mom, I drove Dad and my ex away because I am so bad, and my closest friend doesn't really like me, she just sees me as a therapy case.  His cruelty has escalated because I would not get him the contact info for a woman he found attractive. I can't tell if he has hurt me or not, because I know he is way off base. And I feel exceedingly nothing.  But all that abuse has to be doing something to me.

I tried to call him on his cruelty and he told me I am a hypocrite.  And so I am done.  I don't need this drama in my life.

I feel good about my boundaries, and I feel extremely uninterested in making him like me.

But it has been hard.

I had a moment, though, where I was sitting at a table with him and a few others...in my imagination.  I guess we were between lives, and talking about our lessons from this life.  And he and I were laughing, as I congratulated him on how well he played mean during this lesson.  I was reminded again that we are playing roles, and learning our lessons.

I had a "dream" last night where a large man was behind me and tried to pull me inside his body.  That sounds strange. It was strange.  It was like he picked me up against his rib cage and popped me inside.  I popped myself back out, turned around and looked at him, and said, "That's not the way this is going to work.  We are going to dance."

And we did...not well at all...but we danced.

So what's up with you?

Love and hugs from Clare

need to breathe

Clare,
I am in a whirlwind of activity...
work...
home...
Meeting...
family...

I am in need of that calm, balanced place.

I am going to the island on Sunday...
just husband, the puppy, and me...
I am hoping for calm and quiet.
I need to re-group.

Hopefully I will have time to breathe and reflect.

I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

transition

I have been trying to lie with the Earth in the middle of the night, to feel what is going on.

For awhile it felt like transition...one thing following the other, with no breaks in between...

Now it feels like that calm after transition.  Did you ever have that experience...being overpowered by wave after wave of contraction, feeling that surrender to being totally physical, nothing but sensation, and then...calm...nothing...just waiting...having a chance to center back down and breathe...

And then there is that urge to push. And nothing in the world can stop it...nothing...primal push...

Well, right now we are in that calm, centering moment.

And I am joyously terrified of what happens next...

Love and hugs from Clare

authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame...

Hi Maggie,

I didn't ditch and run.  I looked at those words quizzically, and walked away.  And perhaps that is the lesson.  It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

I think I passed that test!

The weekend was interesting.  I was tired, which affected my ability to think.  But we did an Experiment With Light on Friday night.  I felt like I was in the fog, fighting for answers, fighting for clarity.  I got a definite message.  "You know that thing you are afraid to do?  Well, you have to do it. There is a next step..."  I wondered about the next step, but no, that is not for now.

The next day was a lot of worship sharing, and so a lot of time was spent deep.  But instead of deep and clear, it was deep, and like I needed a shovel to get through.

So I approached this weekend wondering who my authentic self is.  I was thinking about moments of   bring truly who I am.

And someone quoted Joseph Campbell, I believe.  "All we need is sacred space, sacred time, and something joyous to do."

So joy.  Moments of joy are moments when I am authentic.

I said something to a committee member and she posed the query...Authenticity and joy.  And so someone else spoke about sorrow.

And I was back at that moment when I got word our sister-in-law had died.  And I keened. I never knew I could make a sound like that.  That was an absolutely authentic moment.  And it was rooted in sorrow.

I was in my mind trying to define joy. I couldn't.  I couldn't define sorrow very well either.  I got lost in that process of trying to define emotions.  And then I hit that place where I knew that the heart is the seat of emotions, and this all has something to do with evolving into the heart chakra.

Then someone else spoke, and brought out the idea of shame.  I knew I had to listen to Brene yet again...

So - authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame. I could not speak. I was lost in it all.

I think this was a searching weekend.  I think we were churning throiugh something new.  Clarity will come as long as we are faithful.

Similar to what you are planning...we are going to have a visioning session, with the new regional clerk - we are going to worshipfully see if we can get a sense of where the region is going.

I like your new idea. I have noticed that humans like novelty, but we really don't like change.

So, home, thinking, waiting for guests...and sending love


Love and hugs from Clare

ditch and run

Claire,
I'm not sure what exclusivity means...
in the context of relationship.
Of course they imply physical exclusivity, which is their way of ensuring you have no one to compare them with.
But do they also want your mind and soul too?
Do you have to be with them 100% of your time?
Are you allowed to see and enjoy your time with your children, friends, sisters?
What exactly does all of that mean?
I'd run away too.

A step-cousin of ours got married recently...
his fourth marriage...
he's my age.
I think he is living with serial monogamy...
like many.
Hang out until the tough stuff surfaces them ditch and run.

And a cousin of ours is dying from a metastatic tumor...
a life of abuse as a victim and a perpetrator...
Talk about ditching and running from the tough stuff.

What a fucked up world we live in.

I am clerking the planning committee for our spring retreat. I am changing the format and probably going to get push-back for it. We are doing 3panel with audience participation discussions on the topic of Quaker Obstacles and Opportunities...
past, present, and future.
No workshops.
We are doingbreakovut sessions between the past and present sessions.
I think we are going to discuss this through the lens of Equality.
I think it could be a rich opportunity to hear the wisdom of Quaker experiences and take the lessons with us as we tackle problems today.

I am interested in hearing about your discussion of authenticity. Perhaps I can borrow some of the ideas for this gathering.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

exclusivity

Hi Maggie,

Nice to have you back. Now it is my turn. I am off to a Quaker retreat.  We are going to talk about authenticity.

Aren't we brave.

And I have been having lessons concerning men...believe it or not.

The man from the bus last summer...summer 2016...sent me a private message asking me why I wanted to be alone. I am wondering why he made that assumption. He then said sees me as being sensuous and beautiful...and he long for exclusivity. That was what he offered.

And I thought...we met over a year ago. We talked for a few hours.  Now he wants exclusivity...I am confused. And so I replied that we don't know each other well enough to consider exclusivity.

For me, a logical reply would be to question how we could get to know each other.  What I got was a scathing analysis of my behavior - all bad.  And amazingly, I felt confused rather than concerned.

Years ago, I would have felt like I needed to make him like me.  Now I can't be bothered.  I am perfectly happy alone.

Also, he showed his true colors, and I'm not interested...

And  my friend who came to stay this summer is angry with me, because I am not an obedient woman.  And again, I don't care.

I know there has to be a man with better character out there.  If he never comes into my life, sobe it. I would rather be alone...

I'll be back on Sunday with authenticity on my mmind.

Love and hugs from Clare

visit south

Claire,
Sorry, I've been AWOL. I went to the island with 3 of my friends. We'd planned this excursion since February. One of my friends asks a lot of questions...
conversation starting questions...
and when we first got to the island I couldn't think of any ideas to share...
no responses came to my mind.
I had so much scrambling in my brain that I could not think.
But the end of the weekend I was able to consider and think...
and laugh.
we laughed a lot.
The 3 of them re very different souls...
each unique from the other...
but together we make an interesting group.
I am the "mom" of the group...
but one, a pharmacist, is almost as "mommy-ing" as I am...
she has no children...
5 cats, a dog, and a husband...
but she is very cerebral...
like me.
She is very honest and blunt.
She says what she thinks and accepts criticism without offense.
She is about as 'normal' as any one I have ever met.
She is a yoga instructor.
Another friend, also a yoga instructor, is outrageous, lies life to the fullest, and loves freely...
except her husband...
she doesn't love him very much.
The third is a strong empath...
a massage therapist who can read auras, and people, and situations quite well...
except when it comes to her own romances.

I spent some time with them...
I spent some time by myself...
I love walking and being quiet on that island.

2 nieces visited for a day. They both seem to be coping pretty well with the bog changes in their lives. They really fit into the dynamic of the weekend.
It was good.

I am back at work until the first week in November. Husband and I are going south, even if our nephew isn't getting married. We already reserved the house- so why not?

You are spiraling around the swamp...
re-visiting those places that make us stumble.
What is different this time around?

Care for yourself...
be good to your body.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

supplement!

And the disconnect is in the red chakra.  Nothing new.  I'm not seeing anything new at all.  But I feel like I found the wound and I'm circling it and poking it.  I'm seeing everything from a different perspective.

In the middle of the night, I was thinking about 3's and reds.  Like eating wood sorrel - remember the sour grass we ate as kids?  And eating pomegranates...like I need an excuse for that!

As I was thinking, I got the words, fix the vessel.  I have the idea that the breach of my energy system, the shattering of my chakras, and the actual disconnection, have led to unhealth, to carrying extra weight, to addictive patterns, to feeling like I have no control in life, or for other people - having that feeling that life is only safe when we control everything.

Fix the vessel...so the abuse led to my unhealthy body, but having a healthy body is part of what will lead to reconnecting the broken parts. Like maybe we have to reverse the pattern.

I guess it's part of walking back through the swamp.

So...I have been upping some of the herbs I take, and taking cod liver oil and some vitamins. And my body is becoming more sensitive. At first I thought I was getting sick, but now I think I am healing.  And my body is saying no to the foods that cause the unhealthy conditions.

So that is my morning...

Love and hugs from Clare

disconnected

Hey Maggie,

I went to a wedding this afternoon.  I wore the sparkly shoes you gave me.  It was that, or red Converse...Thank you for the sparkles!

Weddings always stir up emotions. Partly because...weddings - joy and love.  Partly today because I have known the bride for half of her life.  I looked back while I was sitting in my pew waiting, and she was standing outside the chapel, waiting to come in, and I felt so much love for her. I looked right at her, she looked right at me. Emotions...spilling everywhere.

But there is always the preparation...deciding what to wear.  I bought new clothes for the first time in years.  I hate it. I hate shopping. I hate dressing rooms and their horrible lighting. I hate looking in the mirror...

And so I was trying all that loathing on for size in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.

And I was thinking about a headline I saw recently stating that disconnection is the root of all addictions. And I suddenly realized I have a serious disconnection inside myself.  I am not connected to me.

I think abuse causes that disconnection.  And with that breach, we struggle to make any other connection. We sort of make them, but not with the authenticity that we could create if we were whole..

This disconnect allows objectification, racism, sexism...I m not sure how to fix it, but I see it in a new way.

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

watch yo' mouth!

Hi Maggs,

I had another dream that two of my sons died...I woke up and it came to me that it was a warning about my kidneys...

And for nights I dreamed I was cooking and serving...people and more people...and I could see only hands...my hands and the hands of others.

I am in a very active period!!

I enjoyed having Mama here when it was my turn. I am glad you did too. She called and told me she had fun at your house.

Today, I was trying to find my camera, and I found some old photos.  I found a photo of my youngest when she was in her early teens. It was a strange photo, she was making a serious face, but all I thought was - she was so beautiful.  I see so much beauty in each of my kids.

Then I had a quick flash back to being about 13 or 14. There were some photos of me, and Mom was looking at them. She commented it was a shame about my face... My acne destroyed my looks. I looked at the photo and responded that a lot of the marks were freckles.

This may be part of the reason I don't see myself as being good enough, or ever beautiful.

We do have to watch our mouths!

Working a lot, and so no moments of depth and wisdom...just life is changing, everything is changing.

Not much else to share...

Except...

Love and hugs from Clare

on hold

Claire,
I am so tired...
I love the dreams.
I love the insights.
I am so crazy busy with work, class, and the trauma program for victims...
I read an email today that we are going to get the pregnant and parenting classroom with babies and a doula is being funded...
I am so excited,
but it means a lot of time and energy...
and a serious opportunity to succeed and fail.
Nothing ventured...nothing gained.

I took Mamma D back to her home yesterday. We had a great visit...
none of my flooring was laid down...
very frustrating and unsettling.
My house is ripped apart to make room for the installation...
which is on hold until further notice.

Keep sharing the heart energy...
the more you use it the stronger it grows.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

and another

I had another dream, little sister...

I dreamed I was with a small group of people...it seemed like family. We were on the upper floor of a barn.  There was tape on the floor, marking squares...I think there were two of them, with people in each.

The squares were safe.  It couldn't get you there.

Outside the square things were flying.  It wasn't safe. So I walked to the very edge of the line, maybe on the line or a little over the line.  Cups were flying off of a shelf. I stayed quiet, and watched, and I could see the shadow of a woman with dark hair, pulled back, wearing a long, old fashioned dress.  She was furious and grabbing things and flinging them.

As I watched, I could see her, she was densening.  I told her I could see her.  She was not happy.

I thought, I can play this game, and I opened my heart and showered her with love, and told her, out loud, that I loved her.

She quieted, but remained angry.

I woke up amazed that I wasn't afraid.

Today, I thought, maybe that was a part of myself...an estranged part that haunts me.

Thoughts?

Love and hugs from Clare

reveling in chaos

Hi Sister,

You honed right in on that dream.  Funny, for me, the strongest image was of the braids.  I looked them up - an orderly way of thinking.

As always,I have to let it settle.

So about a week ago a friend posted on our favorite social media that a little local off-grid music fest needed cooks.  My friend and I volunteered and did all the cooking for the whole weekend.  I like volunteering because I get to meet everyone.  It pulls me out of my comfort zone of sitting back and watching...

But last night at about 9:30, we started running out of everything.  This year's weather has been so magnificent that more people showed up compared to other years.  So we started bunting and improvising and inventing.

I was having so much fun. I realized I enjoy those moments when everything goes off track, when plans are not exactly as hoped, when chaos enters the game.

Two extra people started cooking, two  ran to the store, someone helped serve...and then amidst all that energy, Gable, a young, male rough coated collie came in the kitchen. Two or three people started chasing him around yelling, "Go.  Get out of the kitchen..."

And I reveled in the absurd.  I was so happy. I was so in my element.

I really wonder who I am!!!

The weekend was so much fun.  I am so totally exhausted.

I will check back when less exhausted and more coherent!

Love and hugs from Clare

challenges

Claire,
Baby/ies usually mean a new idea you are gestating/birthing...
what are you protecting from the violence around you?

Holding a baby, "Dreaming of holding a baby is analogous to holding onto an earlier part of your life where you felt more depended on and more needed."

Hostage means, "To dream that you are a hostage indicates that you are feeling victimized or powerless. You feel limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, to dream that you are a hostage suggests that a part of yourself is not fully expressed.
I am being tormented by "two steps forward, one step back" mentality at work. I get things rolling and then theres something that halts forward progress- usually a funding issue. Sometimes I feel like writing a check and just keep the forward momentum going. But, then I am not trusting the universe and its timing."

Challenges...
sometimes they really suck.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

hostage?

Hi Maggie,

I wrote last night.  I wrote for about 2 hours.  I didn't judge, I just let it flow.  I will judge later.

And I had a weird dream last night.  I went to the local university to listen to a few of the students who were campaigning for student office.  I was sitting toward the back of a small auditorium. It was not very full.

I had a baby with me.  I think it was my youngest grandson.  He was wrapped in a blue blanket, and he slept through the whole dream.  My job seemed to be aware and to protect him.

Because a young woman, with clear features and longish reddish braids took us all hostage.  She got on stage with a gun and fired two shots and told us all to get down.  I sat down on the floor, between the two seats, and kept my hand on the baby sleeping on the seat.  The whole dream was hiding, waiting for something to happen. Int he end, someone disarmed her and not much else happened. We were told we could leave. I remember standing there, holding the baby, thinking it was too late for the buses to run now...I wondered where I could go. I thought of walking to my oldest's apt., but thought - she would be asleep.

It was weird...

I am exhausted. I spent four hours helping move sheep fence. It was a good workout for me.  I think I will sleep well tonight.

I am not familiar with the hymn you shared at all...But I think I kind of like Divine tests. It keeps us on our toes.

Love and hugs from Clare

servants...

Claire,
I am avoiding a gala tonight- sitting quietly in my room. I prefer this type of evening.
When I worked for this association the galas were mandatory...
now I can say, "no thank you".
That is freedom.

I saw a few friends...
shared a few minutes with each...
mostly about work...
this is a professional gathering...
one, dear friend/mentor shared that her husband is in renal failure and starting dialysis...
neither has ever really been sick before...
she is having difficulty navigating the need for help.
She has helped others for her entire, professional career...
and doesn't know how to allow help.

This morning, at Meeting, I was compelled to share a song I used to sing at my Catholic Church...
The Servant Song by Richard Gillard

Will you let me be your servant,
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I may have the grace 
to let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
we are brothers  on a road.
We are here to help each other
walk the miles and share the load.

I will hold the Christ-Light for you 
in the night-time of your fears.
I will hold me hand out for you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joys and sorrows
'Til we've seen this journey through

When we sing to God in heaven,
we shall find such harmony
born of all we've known together
of Christ's love and agony.

Will you let me be your servant,
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I may have the grace 
to let you be my servant, too.


I can't believe I remembered this...
I actually had to pull up the lyrics on my phone because I felt compelled to remember them.
I cannot believe I sang...
but it felt so good!
Sometimes I think the Divine tests- just to see if I am paying attention.

Just my observations-
You are procrastinating.
Be clear with yourself.
You have been called to write...
and you are finding other things to fill your time.
That is OK ...IF you acknowledge what you are doing.
This is an important task...
don't stay away, or busy, for too long. If we ignore our callings them just keep getting louder until we cannot ignore them because of a crisis.
Crisis means to sift- keep what serves...discard what does not.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

dream stuff...

Hi Maggie,

Feels like we are getting back into the swing...

I went to our Fall Gathering yesterday.  I have been a Friend for 30 years now, and I am amazed by knowing these people.  Two Friends were laughing with me yesterday --- "Do you remember the time...?"

I do. I do remember.  I do have shared history with these people.

I had dreams last night - an active night.  But I can't remember much.

One though...I stepped out of my back door, it was dusky...or maybe dawny...and the chicken house door was partially open. My chickens were gone.  I started to listen for them, but didn't hear anything.

Later last night I was at a long table, with family, I believe.  Mom was at the head of the table serving cake.  She served the left side.  I was at her right.  She handed me a piece and I tasted it, so she sat down to have hers. My youngest son, a few seats up from me, quietly leaned back, caught my eye, and made an expression that clearly said, "Really?" And I realized that my side was waiting, and now quietly watching the others eat cake.

I wondered why Mom forgot them, and then had the thought - it was my fault.  I stopped passing.

I woke up just after my son caught me eye.  I tried to get back into the dream and get cake to everyone. I think I ended up cutting my piece into smaller pieces and sharing with that side of the table.

I think there is a message her, about sharing, about being aware of who I am connected to.

There was a third dream, but it is not moving into my awareness.  I will have to wait and see if there is a trigger today.

I reread all of my notes from this summer, at the spiritualist camp.  There are two things I promised to do in September....resume writing and working on a legal issue I have been avoiding.

But, my friend and I have volunteered to cook for a small folk festival next weekend...So, sorry Commitments, I have to honor this first. It is partly social life expansion, partly a good excuse to procrastinate!!

Anyway...

Love and hugs from Clare

So, if I get into a receiving position, I will remain aware of my line...of passing it down the line.

making space

Clare,

I am drowning in busy-ness also. I am trying to keep up with the commitments I've made professionally and realize that, as usual, I am over-delivering on my promised outcomes. That's great for the sponsor, but hard to maintain from my perspective.

I am glad that you will have an adult friend living with you for the winter. It can be a time to talk, laugh, and connect. The critters will add to your world. Just don't let all of that get into the way of your writing. You have to choose the writing as a priority. That is hard to do, but make space for it and let the habit develop.

I am presenting my workshop on childhood adversity on Monday at a state-wide conference for social workers. It is an important message that I feel very passionate about. I am procrastinating my preparation for it. I've given this workshop 4 - 5 times over the past few years, but this time I am somewhat intimidated- not sure why...
Oh well- what will be will be.

I will be tied up until Tuesday, so I probably won't be checking in here. Carry on without me- or collect your thoughts and save them.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

normal?

Hi Love,

Just checking in, trying to get back into the swing of things.  My youngest will not work much in the winter this year, so she won't ask me to take care of my granddaughter as often, and so I will have more free time.

At the same time, someone who lived with us 20 years ago, after a divorce, has moved in again - for the same reason.  And with her, we have lots of critters...So life is full again.

And she is a Friend, and so I will be able to be more involved with my meeting.

I had a committee meeting last night. I used to feel empowered after these meetings. Now I just feel like I am a pain in the ass.  I wonder if I am burning out...

My work schedule is especially full, too. That usually doesn't happen until late October. It makes me wonder how crammed we will be in a month...I don't know...the leaves are turning early...everything seems off...there doesn't seem to be a normal anymore.

I have to remind myself that change means everything is different, that eventually there will be a new normal...

And so that is life today.

Sending love and hugs from Care

So much, so much

Hi Maggie,

Apologies...sort of.  Mama has been here for two weeks. When I have company, I tend to put my regular activities on the back burner and focus on the person I am with.  Also, writing here seems so private, seems like a sanctuary, and I wait until I feel safe and alone to come here.

I have been thinking about this focus on rejoicing in selfishness. It troubles me. Now I know being a martyr is bad. It is a form of  deifying your personal victimhood.

But we need a balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our world and the people and the issues in it.

So, yeah, childhood was less than idyllic, and I have learned to hide. Now I am searching for my authentic self.

Not easy, but not a bad choice.

Being vulnerable...just like your son is exploring, I hope.  I have a feeling we let romance movies determine our relationship status...meet...interest...miscommunication...drama...sex...now we are going to live happily ever after.  There is no message about the day-to-day development of life forever. There is no time to look at how we slowly let a relationship deepen and ripen and decide where we want to go...

I will admit I have been wondering how people stay together for a long time. What is there to talk about?

I think in addition to being a romance retard, I am too jaded to get it.

When I wrote for the paper, I attended a widow's grief group for one meeting to talk about the work they did there.  Someone commented that it didn't matter how much of a son-of-a-b the husband was before death, after he died he became a saint.

So Mama commented a few times on not knowing my kids, not having a relationship with them for years. We just ignored the white elephant in the room -  Papa didn't like us, we weren't welcome, he wasn't nice.

Now we are just remembering the sweet things.

Is this how we lose the memories/the awareness of sexual predation from uncles and brothers? It gets lost under the funny moments. Because it is troubling and confusing, but in a family like ours there were enough connected moments to not exactly balance the abuse, but to cover it...to make young memories unsure...

I have missed Mama, pretty much since when Papa came home from Vietnam, but definitely since I started protecting my kids from Papa.

Did she have to choose him over us? Did I truly choose my kids over their Dad? Did it protect them?  Is there ever a good choice once we are part of these dysfunctional families?

And so I am lost in the whirl of memories, of now. We had a good visit. Mama and I were always good friends. We still talk a lot. I value that. She got to spend quality time with my four local kids. They were gracious and generous.  I am so proud of how good they each are.

We talked about the past, and about feelings. She talked about going though Papa's death.

I remember when I counseled new mamas, we learned to let them tell their birth story over and over. That was how they made it theirs. I think maybe our death stories are the same. It is easier, more joyful to hear a birth story. But I think we need to find the darker joy in each death story.

My friend has been diagnosed with cancer. Again.  This time there is no cure, no way to halt the progress. The best they can do it slow it slightly. And so she is currently, consciously dying. And she knows it. She has to face it each day.

They had a party yesterday. They are creating moments for friends and loved ones to come and say goodbye, to spend time, knowing it might be the last time. It's kind of like Dad's birthday party.  There is something vibrant and terrible about knowing it is a last time...

They had a party yesterday. I planned to go. I had to wait for S#5 and her husband to come and fetch Mama. They came in Friday night and stayed in a hotel, then visited for a short while on Saturday morning after breakfast before leaving. Seemed like a strong statement for who we are as a family. I am close, but I am not gonna to come close enough to touch...When Mama left, I texted a bit with my friend. It was cold on the beach where they were partying, but they thought they might be there for a little longer...It was going to take us two and a half hours to get there.  So we decided we would go on a private weekend and spend some time then...I hope we can forge ahead instead of letting life happen around us, instead of putting things off until it is too late...

Maybe we do that because we are cowards...

And, lastly, as Hurricane Irma lands in Florida, one of my non-bio kids is hunkered down in the line of the eye of the storm...and I am aware of her every moment.

So that is life here. Lots of adventures in my near future. But no more house guests, unless S#3 comes to visit...

Hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs from Clare

trust

Clare,
9 days and no response. Are you OK?

Are you thinking?
or busy?

We are trying to help our #3 child to navigate a difficult relationship. Luckily he has asked for help and support. Our discussion last night focused on trust. His relationship moved so quickly to co-habitation that he and his love forgot to learn about the other and develop trust.
Trust is a challenging thing.
Easily conceptualized...
slowly earned...
but painstakingly given...
especially if you've been hurt before.


Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Again, what are you looking for?

clare,
This is going to sound cliche, but being selfish is a virtue...
and it's not self-centered.

If you truly believe that the Divine Light is in all things...
why do you extinguish yours for the sake of others?

Martyrdom isn't self-sacrifice...
it's suicide that you can blame on some one else.

It is time to write...
It is time to contemplate...
It is time to love all the broken pieces that make you unique.

Putting it off is making it much harder. The shell gets thicker as we struggle against cracking it open. Do you want to be as closed down as Papa was?
Is that the role model you want to follow?
You have every reason to hide- Life sucked...
but now...
here and now you can choose to open.
Circumcision of the heart.

Again, what are you looking for...
eros?
philos?
agape?
They are all love...
but in very different expressions.

Find you and you get all 3.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Not DQ!

Hi Maggie,


Honestly, I am not being a drama queen.  I am not looking for declarations of love...although love is always welcome.  I am quietly, thoughtfully poking at myself, noticing, trying to understand.

What do I want?

I want to be less prickly. I want to be softer, warmer.  I am kind and giving. I am an excellent listener. But I am not one of those people who is noticed for a long, long time.  I want to be loving and open and available.

I want to be less guarded.

I think this is the point I am poking.  I have been damaged by childhood crap, by criticism, by criticizing.  I have learned to hide because I was the new kid every year, except one, until 9th grade.  I have learned not to show emotion.  I have learned to watch people, to blend, to hide...

Hmmmm, maybe what I am getting at is that I am not authentic.

And because of life events, I don't even know where or what that is.  Or if it even exists anymore...

Maybe the love I want is where I find me, recognize me, value me...love myself.

Seems a bit far-fetched though. I have too many other things on the list...things to accomplish.

And when I am being self-centered, I hurt other people. I fail to be available...

Life is a paradox.

Love and hugs,

Clare

what are you searching for?

Clare,
You are lovable...
I LOVE YOU.

eros, philos, agape...
what are you searching for?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

cactus days

Hey Maggs...

So when my friend was here, we were talking about people, about relationships. He suddenly asked why I see everything as violent. I described most failed relationships as involving some sort of violence. So he wanted to know what the sort was...emotional, physical, psychological.

But I did wonder if I identify and/or define everything as violence.  Or is it that I am sensitive to violence, and people let me see into their lives...people are willing to show the violence that permeates...us.

Then I wondered if I am just too prickly.

I feel like a cactus...all soft and fluid on the inside, but it takes a lot of hard work to get there.  I'm all tough and covered with spines.

And I thought about the reading from your healer.  In evey lifetime I sit aside and analyze...

Which led me to...am I even loveable?

So that is where I am today. A sort of twaddling mess of I didn't sleep, although I fought to sleep...exhaustion questioning the merits of myself.

But I did plan the book...I need time, but I know what to write.

Love and hugs from Clare

Just a day...

Welcome home...and I am so happy you came home to joy!  Congratulations, to you Mama, and to my lovely niece.

I had a wise friend, he died almost two years ago. He said that when the Europeans set foot here, a squirrel could travel from the Atlantic to the Mississippi without touching the ground.  The tree canopy was so dense, so contiguous. We are a forest species who fears the forest and so we try to conquer.

One of my favorite author/activists, Derick Jensen, says that once a forest has been clear cut three times, it will not return. Most of the Earth was once forested. Now I can think of so many places stripped and raped in the name of...wiping our butts, maybe.

I think you know I have chickens...all named Cinderella by my granddaughter.  Tonight I had to put them to bed alone. I chased them for about 45 minutes.  I haven't had such an effective aerobic workout for years.  I got mad, called them some unFriendly names, came inside and priced fencing!  There were 6 who just wouldn't cooperate.  I kept them moving so they wouldn't think staying up past their bedtime was a big treat.  I finally got 5 in. Then there was the last one. I came inside until almost dark.  I went back out and he was patiently waiting for me, siting on the ground right in front of the door.  I reached down, picked him up, looked him in the eye and told him he was a big a**hole, and put him to bed.

I'm a real farmer!

I am glad your youngest is settled.  I hope he finds himself at school. I remember when I went to university, I was able to reinvent myself. I was much happier there than I had ever been at home...

Today was the eclipse. I am wondering what it brings.  They all have been so potent for the past few years. 

I remain open...I'll let you know what comes!

Love and hugs from Clare

I cannot imagine

Clare,
I am back. We returned yesterday...
knowing our oldest was going to be proposed to.
So instead of settling into home we continued the party/vacation.
My daughter is thrilled to be taking the next step with her love. We are happy to see them so content.
My family was gathered, except for the youngest, as was my future S-I-L's family (munis their youngest). It was a really special time for all of us.

Today was a day for cleaning, laundry, mowing...trying to get reconnected with home.
My puppy is back. He is asleep at my feet, exhausted from a week with his brother and nonstop romping.

My trip was long, eye opening, and exhaustingly invigorating. I slept in a different city/state most nights and many did not know where that would be until we all got tired. We had some wonderful times and made memories along the way. Both of my sons drove west with me. The older agreed to come along to help with driving and to find a little adventure. He was wonderful company. It is such a night-and-day difference from 3 short years ago. My younger son was thrilled, scared, anxious, excited- all at the same time. He was patient and thankful for the time we spent together, but really just wanted to be at school and get his feet wet.

He had two days of classes- the he enjoyed- and then went on a "team building" camping trip with his college. He reports that there wasn't much excitement over the trip, but I think the experience did a lot to calm him and help him to settle in. He seems more balanced.

I had many experiences along the road, It's hard to single out a few to describe. I am not sure of my lessons from the road, except to say that I was captivated by the beauty of this earth. That sense of enchantment left me deeply saddened by the destruction it is facing. We were listening to an article on the radio about "mass extinctions" and observing the majesty of the earth. Humans squander what is good for what is easy. I cannot imagine what this earth looked like prior to human domination...what beauty that must have been.

It is good to meet you back here.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Connections

I have been seeing a lot of articles lately educating us about the relationships between empaths and narcissists.  I have read a few, trying to understand.

Then I met someone who seemed a bit narcissistic.  I was talking about it to a friend who listens to all my crazy explorations, and she gently wondered if rather than narcissism, this could be high-level Asperger's Syndrome.

I suddenly reevaluated all behaviors, and rather than frustration, a calmness came over me.  I could understand, and I could be compassionate.  It made me see all behaviors differently.

So now I am wondering, if there has been so much attention drawn to narcissism lately, do we have a lot more people living with Asperger's than ever imagined...And why do we have so many people who can't relate, can't quite understand?

I see disconnect everywhere.  We have absolutely lost touch with the Earth, with nature. We have named other races, other peoples, and see them as "other."  We do not see the connection any more.  We have so many people living their lives through the lens of technology.  Nothing happens anywhere in their lives without a device between them and others.

I wondered about people with Apserger's, who are smart, and are smart enough to see that others are connected in a way they can't perceive.

Is this the future for humans?

I had my youngest granddaughter overnight on Friday.  I had her and my youngest grandson at meetinghouse with me all Saturday afternoon, working on the permaculture project.  Then my grandson spent the night last night.  Today, my granddaughter came back while her Mama worked. Everyone was tired.  Everyone was cranky.  These two kids put on a sibling rivalry display that would have awed my kids.

Then I forced them to walk down into the woods with me.  They bickered all the way down the driveway, but as we turned to the forest, they calmed.  Once we were down in the creek, and found a toad, and walked on the stones...they were different kids.

I had forgotten the magic of the forest.

It amplifies all connections.  We need to be connected. And we need to find little inroads to our compassionate selves...

Exhaustedly, but with love and hugs,

Clare

I'm Back!

Hey Little Sister,

This may be our worst month ever! As far as posting...

I had a friend visit for three weeks.  As soon as I was done with work, he was ready to go somewhere, do something.  I got nothing done.

But I got a glimpse of being American.

My friend is European, and one day we went to the park by the lake. As an American, I am prepared to go to the park for an hour or so, then cross that task off the list, and get ready for the rest of what I have to do.

We stayed at the park for five or six hours. We talked.  We waded. We ate mangoes.  It took me three or four hours to let go of my list and relax and really look at the lake.

It is hard work hostessing, but it was a lot of fun.

Lots of insight that will probably pop in here as I process.

I have a friend who has beaten cancer twice. It is back for the third round, and it seems like it will win this time. She can take meds for as long as she can tolerate them, and live for maybe a year. Or she can enjoy the next four to six months.

What a choice.  How do you want to die?  It is a bit like our sister-in-law.

I feel stripped by loss.  How do we bear the pain of losing one more person. It is hard...

I didn't write at all while my guest was here.  But I had a breakthrough about the way to organize the book. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly what my bright idea was.

But it is in my brain somewhere!

Waiting for you to get home from the wild, wild west!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Popping In

Hi Maggie,

Is the road trip now? Are you on your way to the wild west?

Did your Reiki person say anything about Dad?  I had another moment where I felt...I began this post more than a week ago, and I don't remember any more.

That is why this blog is so valuable for me.  I can work through and record the evolution.

I have not been here because I have a houseguest who will stay for another week. We have been busy.  I am working Monday - Thursday, so long weekends have been a treat.

Meanwhile a Friend who lived with me about 20 years ago after a divorce, has divorced again and is going to live here until she gets back on he feet.  She is bringing sheep and rabbits and dogs.  Last night my houseguest and I were outside trying to save a newborn lamb.  Not sure if we were successful or not.

So life is crazy now.  S#3is coming to look at another property.  I am not sure exactly when to expect her.

Life is going to be different with your youngest far away.  I can promise you - you'll still worry!  But it will be good for him to try his own wings with the mama safety-net always below.  What is he planning to take?

I really resonated with your analysis of Papa.  I trust your comparison to your son.  I see Papa in my youngest son, but an easier version...I also see Papa in his face. My son looks more and more like Papa.

No time for deep thoughts. No writing of the book.

My guest will be here for another week.  My Friend will continue moving in.  My neighbor's brother just died, and so I have been helping by taking her pets. And Mama will visit for two weeks from the end of August into mid-September.

Then...then I will be back, thoughtfully available!!

Love and hugs from Clare

empty nesting

Clare,

I'm preparing for my empty nest...
seems like a short time ago I was nesting in preparation for my babies.

It is a really important transition.
I find myself trying to plan...
and then gathering stuff...
organizing stuff...
and then being really angry because my youngest wants to use the stuff I've planned, gathered, and organized!
I think this is a ploy to make me happy to leave him 2300 miles from home.

Less than 2 weeks.
That is hard to believe.
I've been through so much with this one.
I'm sure he's going to push me even more in the future.
The difference is that now I will have to help him to help himself...
no more rescues...
at least not emergent rescues.

I wonder if you are busy writing your story. Is that why you aren't writing here?
There is the beginning of a post from you over a week ago...
unfinished...
I worry that something pulled you away and has you too busy to check in.
I pray that all is well in your home and life.

My puppy has added much needed laughter back into my days.
He wakes me up...
frequently at night...
usually before dawn...
but we wake and walk and play and laugh together.
I have not sat to meditate since he arrived in June.
I have not sat to journal since his arrival either.
But I am laughing and enjoying his spirit and personality...
I am in the moment with him...
that's a pray in itself.
He brings joy into our home.
We all agree on loving him.
Well...except the cats...they are beginning to tolerate his slobber and clumsy paws trying to play with them.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

triggering

Clare,
The trip was a whirlwind 4 day trip to the southwest for orientation. The university did not provide one right before move in , so we had to make a special trip out for that. It was a great opportunity to see the campus, have some great southwest food, and visit the Grand Canyon.

It was truly a 'bucket list day'...

when I typed that last sentence it came out 'buck day"...very weird

The trip was a guided tour, but offered free time to roam. I posted pictures on social media of my youngest's thrill seeking...
it made me sick to watch him...
so I walked away and asked the 'Angels of Protection' to be with him.

I realized on that day that he is very much like Papa...
which is one of the reasons I react so strongly to his 'shenanigans'
(except for the fact that he LOVES heights).
When my son gets frustrated, even mildly, he makes rude, loud comments.
He won't talk to the person who is able to answer or make things right...
he chooses to call out their 'sins'...
embarrass or shame them...
and win others to his 'side'.
He doesn't see that there is no need for sides...
just better communication and a willingness to adapt- from all sides.
I realized that I am incredibly uncomfortable when he starts to rant because I felt shame when Papa did that. It's not that I want him to accept abuse or poor treatment...
but he has to understand that sometimes things don't work out as perfectly as they are planned.
The ironic thing is that he is never on time for anything and frequently fails to uphold his end of any agreement.
But he is triggering Papa reactions in me.
Once I recognize it I can start to monitor and adapt the way that I respond to him.

I hope that you are well.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

all in all...progress

Clare,

I am having a rather lazy weekend at home. No really lazy...
I've mowed and replanted a few plants...
but I'm not running around like my usual crazy person self.

Work is good. I've got a full plate.
Meeting is quiet for the summer.
We are getting ready to travel with our youngest to AZ for his orientation this week. We are making a mini-vacation out of it. A day trip to the Grand Canyon on Saturday is planned.
I've never seen it...
and I really want to.
Our older is keeping the dog for us. A friend is house-sitting and caring for the cats.
It is complicated to have some freedoms.

I am driving back out the in mid-August with all of his stuff for the drop-off. I've also wanted to do a cross-country road trip...
this is almost cross-country.
Son #2 and I are driving out together...
husband is flying out to meet us at the end of the week...
and then husband and I are driving back home...
visiting sites along the way.
we are spending more time in Santa Fe and Nashville along the trip back, but also staying at a cabin along the skyline drive in VA...
it should be a great trip.

I see my psychic/reiki healer tomorrow. I am interested to see if she has nay insight on Papa's passing to the other side. I have not seen her at all this year...
a lot has happened.
I'd love to ask what lessons he was tasked with teaching me...
and did I learn those lessons.
I need some flow, especially in my ankle.

I started PT this week. The PT told me my ankle and foot joints are "frozen" from being immobilized for 8 weeks.  I have had 2 treatments and feel so much better. My stability is better. I am able to walk more 'normally'- less limping to protect the stiff, sore joints. I still have significant swelling, but it is better. I still have pain by the evening, but not much through the day.
All in all...progress.

I hope that you are still flowing...
I hope to do more of that once my youngest is safely deposited at school.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

will I ever be satisfied?

Clare,

I'm excited for you...
let it flow!

I once decided to tell Mama D about a recurrent dream I'd had as a kid and the meaning I gleaned from it...
she glazed over.
During the same conversation I told her about an experience I'd had...
I was in my kitchen, angry with her about something she failed to acknowledge (birthday or something) and I had this distinct ring in my right ear. I closed my eyes and knew it was Grammy coming through to me...
I clearly received a message, "Don't be so hard on her. You don't know what she's been through."
It was so profound I can still hear it in my head.
Anyway, Mama D was not impressed, at least outwardly.
I came alway from that conversation sorry I disclosed and convinced that I need to choose better who to share my 'insights' with.

I have been promoted in my agency...
but my colleague has told people that nothing has changed except that I will now take on the administrative duties. I'm not sure that I agree with that statement. I have to really consider what kind of a director I want to be. I don't want to assume administrative duties that a secretary could handle (administrative assistant)...I want to lead. The important question is, how do I want to lead- what kind of leader am I? That has to develop over time.

Sometimes I wish I was a stay at home wife with nothing to think about but, dinner, when can I exercise, and when am I hanging out with my friends!
Not really- I tried that for years and felt totally unstimulated and isolated.
I am not sure I will ever be satisfied.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

back to it

Hi Sister...

What did S#3 get? Her first comment - Yeah, that was Papa - always first and loudest.  And later she commented that he talked to me, but not to her.  I know that feeling.  I have experienced it many times!

It was when the medium started talking about his style of parenting being so different than mine that S#3 and her daughter both felt Papa.

It made me wonder how advanced he is, what pain he took on to experience, to learn, to teach this time.  I wonder about all of us!

The first time I went to LilyDale, I went with a Cherokee F/friend for Indian week.  She asked me to come and help watch kids...we had the same number.  Grammy came through.  I told Mom and she scoffed and told me her mother did not believe anything like this.

I don't think she wants to know this.  My plan was to say nothing. But S#3 seems to want to let Mama know. I will wait to see what happens. We will call her tomorrow for her birthday.

My inner saboteur is at work. I am becoming efficient...with a nice list of what must be done before I can sit down and write.  I just went for a walk with the dogs...only a mile.  I am still not walking like I did before I was sick last fall. I am feeling rather jello-ey!  My plan is to walk a mile everytime I get blocked.

Actually once I got started last night, I had to stop myself because I need to get up early. But I could have gone on...

So, back to it tonight...as soon as I am done here...still not sure how to organize, but I will keep writing!

Love and hugs from Clare

working hard

Clare,
I knew you would eventually write...
just watch for the saboteur in you...
there's one in all of us.
Maintain a dialogue with the saboteur...
find out why they want to distract or confound your attempts to work on your life's purpose...
it may offer even more insights.

I pulled this from your last post...
What dis S#3 talk about? that Papa came through?

Oh, and S#3 said she mentioned some of what happened to S#5...she is wondering if it will get to Mom...I'm not ready for that!

I am trying hard to work on my inner self and outer self...
one feeds the other.
I am seeing a physical therapist tomorrow for my sprained ankle. I have officially given in and asked for additional opinions. I refused PT before because I didn't have time for appointments with the 3 projects I had running concurrently in May and June. Now things have settled down a bit. So I am signed up for 3 times a week- first appointment tomorrow.
I got sick of being sedentary so I walked this past weekend...
I went 3 miles at a decent pace.
It was uncomfortable, but not terrible.
I iced and took some ibuprofen...
had reflux...
but I'm doing it again tonight.
I am so sick of sitting around!

Let your Light shine beautiful sister,
Maggie

I am going to write!

Hi Maggie,

I am satisfyingly tired. I planted and weeded and mowed and watered.  I remembered to wear my big hat!  And while I worked, I thought...I let my mind wander.

The book is sort of writing itself. Today I will open a brand new document and start it.  We will see where it takes me.

Green wood really needs time to season, or else it just makes smoke.  Maybe this time alone here on this land was my seasoning time...

So when the kids were young, we had two different women move in with us when their marriages ended.  One of them divorced again, and is going to live here again.  She is bringing sheep and rabbits and dogs...can you tell she is one of my fiber friends? - who I actually met at my first meeting about 30 years ago.  I like the company, but I am becoming very aware of how much time I have been spending alone.  And I don't mind being alone at all.

But, you know, it sucks being a single older woman in this country.  Working together helps.

We went to a party last night...my friend, my daughter, my granddaughter, and I.  I can see that married people and single people live in completely different worlds.  Someone who used to come to my current meeting was there with her new husband.  There were two couples about the age of our parents there...I watched how couples stick together. It is different...

I talked to my closest friend here, and she is going to try to be my academic.  She has an MSW, like you. And we agreed, we would see how it goes...

I still have chicks in my office.They are getting bigger. It has to be almost time for them to go out. My sons have partially completed the chicken house...I'll keep you posted.

I was wondering what would happen if you and I and maybe S#3 went to a medium and asked to talk to some of our ancestors. I wonder if we could get the story, and find out exactly what happened to us. And if we did, I wonder if I would trust the info!

Oh, and S#3 said she mentioned some of what happened to S#5...she is wondering if it will get to Mom...I'm not ready for that!

And the last sort of interesting thing I wanted to mention about our day trip last week, was that Mom's dad came through. He talked about some things that happened to me, and let me know he was there with me.  I am not sure why, but it seemed important that I know he is with me.

I think I am probably the only grandchild who physically, experientially remembers him.

I am going to write...send love.

Love and hugs from Clare

green wood to coals

Clare,

He never found the courage to out the family secrets...
but from the other side of the veil he can allow the swamp to run...
eventually running to the clear source.
I am fascinated what else the medium(s) said.

I feel as if I need to go back to my psychic friend to touch base. I wonder if his energy is more at peace with our journey this time around.
From the reports he and I have taken turns hurting and killing the other in previous lives...
at least this one we peacefully coexisted...
maybe even learned a little rom each other.
What a weird journey this is.

I think your college friend is correct. If someone else adds the cerebral part to the writing you can be free to share the emotions and lessons.
You are like me...
analyze, keep it at a safe distance...
until suddenly it is no longer separate from you...
the emotion will burn, but not consume you...
it will change you- as green wood that is put into the fire...
popping and releasing...
then seasoning...
eventually becoming the coals that maintain the fire.
You are the keeper of the ancestral stories- at least the lineage...
it is your story to tell.
I will help you if you need me.
I will remain beside you through the process.

I think Henry is Dory returned to us...
he has so many similar habits and looks to him.
I loved him from the minute I saw a photo of him...
and in real life he is even more lovable.

Livie is in a better place. Her world had contracted due to blindness, arthritis, and congestive heart failure. She is free to chase butterflies and jump 3 feet in the air once again. She is buried next to Dory at the bottom of our yard. Within view of the house to remind me how much they added to my life. I am grateful.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

fuckfuckfuck

Hi Maggie,

Lots of transitions for you...maybe for everyone.  I am so sorry you lost your little Livy. We really allow ourselves to feel when we lose a fur-baby.  I think that is part of their gift.

I'm glad she overlapped just a little with your Henry.  There is a continuity.

When I read your post - write the book, I started crying again.  I am fighting this.  I don't want to...I have to either get past the emotions, or learn to use them...

And so I talked to best friend from college. She said, "Write."  Then she said maybe there was an academic who could take my writing and fill it out with what I am too close to see.

I wanted to be the academic. I wanted to go to grad school, and use this as a thesis. I think I wanted to distance myself from the emotions. But she may be right. I am too close. I may not be able to provide the distance needed for a fuller perspective.

And then...

On Monday I went to Lily Dale with S#3, her daughter, nephew's girlfriend, and her mother, and one of S#3's granddaughters.

First session of the day...first reading of the first session..."You with the glasses, and the blue...May I come to you?"

And she told me she had a strong fatherly figure with her. He recently passed over.  You were there when he was passing. I said no. But he knew you were concerned...

Then she said he was sending love, he was on a loving vibration. And I started crying, because I never felt like he loved me.  He said he understands now that I/why I did things differently.  He was never interested in our emotions, he didn't have time to listen to us.  I did things completely different, and my children live in a completely different world.  He praised my patience.

Yeah, still crying.

Then...

Then he said I am the one who has the strength. I am the one who can move forward and change things, change the family.  I am the one who can stop the problems.

And, oh yeah, he added:  don't worry because the money will work itself out. Money will be available.

So, either I am nuts, or Dad just gave me permission, and encouraged me, to out our family.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, still crying.

So, how are you?

Love and hugs from Clare

good lesson

Clare,

This has been an interesting week.

We puppy-sat our oldest's dog...
brother of our puppy.
It is exhausting...
they have so much energy.
I haven't laughed this much in years.
They are either 100% on or fast asleep.
They played and played.
They ruined several perennial gardens...
but they were exploring and fully enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, and feel of the world...
a good lesson to learn.

On Saturday our old dog died very suddenly.
It was not unexpected...
she has been in heart failure for a while.
She has had two or three nights where her breathing was so labored I doubted she would survive until morning...
but she bounced back and seemed better the next day.
She took a half mile walk with us last week...
she wouldn't stay on the porch when we were taking the puppy for his walk...
I assumed I would carry her for most of the walk...
but she stayed with us almost the whole way.
She rode along for a pizza run this weekend.
She even ate pizza crusts Saturday evening...
one of her favorite treats...
before she died.
She collapsed, had a brief seizure, and then her breathing became agonal...
I picked her up and she died in my arms.
My youngest was there through it all.
He chose her 11.5 years ago...
wants to name her 'milkshake' ...
and then helped her leave the earthly realm.
He cried...
he really has such a good heart.

He is struggling with boredom and the transition...
he wants to move to the next step- college- NOW.
We had some very good talks this weekend.
I pray for him...
choices are really important...
setting boundaries for himself is really important...
he just doesn't know how to wait well.

I hope that you re having a wonderful Holiday week.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

channel

Clare,
That's where you begin the book...
or perhaps that is the ending...
but by writing all of that you have begun.

The universe invites you into this process...
it will alter your life...
and affect the life of many who read it.
Just start writing.

Make me a channel of your peace...

A channel...
a conduit...
without obstacles...
clear path...
way opens.

Be a channel for what is birthing in you.
It feels important...
Let it flow.
no judgements or preconceived notions about the purpose, product, or consequences...
let words flow onto the page and it will be magnificent.

Have you ever read Conversations With God...
it is intriguing.

Be a channel.
I support you...
let me know how.

Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie

middle-of-the-night chaos...and breakthrough?

Hi Maggie,

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Then the barrage happened. I don't know if I can remember it all, but I am going to share what I can. I actually sat up, took notes...then I never went back to sleep. Today was a long day of work.

I was awake, thinking about love...what is the opposite of love?  Until now I would have said apathy. But in the middle of the night, I thought, the opposite of love is pain.  Love is creating a safe place, a sanctuary for the beloved. It is a place where we are safe and protected, a place with little pain...we are human after all - can't expect perfection.

When we experience pain, we have a choice. We can harden ourselves, protect ourselves, and be prepared to lash back. Or we can soften ourselves and feel the pain.  Feeling the pain then softens us, makes us wiser, makes us loving, makes it harder to hurt us...

That doesn't mean stand still and be abused. I am not sure what it means, but I know we are not supposed to feed their rage with our obedience...Or maybe it does. I am not sure.

But I think this is the message of the Christ, of Gandhi, of Mandela, of the women who fought for the right to vote, of the activists.  And suddenly, those who cause the greatest pain are our best teachers.They are the ones who free us to love.  It seemed that maybe the escalation of pain is the tool that will put us into our heart and force us to evolve.

Those who cause us the most pain are those who are in the most pain. They have accepted the role of being abused so they could join the pain-givers, to help lead us into humane-ity.  Or else they teach us about endurance and loving-kindness. I am thinking about some of the abused dogs who remain so kind and forgiving and loving. I'm thinking about abused people, animals, veggies, planets...

And I was thinking about Papa and the pain he caused.  I was thinking about the fact that I don't really miss him. I decided to feel the pain. I went back to that "dream", the one with the beautiful sleeping Anne Geddes baby curled up on the big hand, the one that made me scream in my sleep. The one where, even awake, I could not make my mind stop screaming. I went there and instead of screaming, I stepped into it.And there was pain. Every part of my body hurt. My feet hurt. And I was aware of three of my chakras shattering. It hurt. It hurt so much.  I just let it roll through me.

And in the middle of the night, alone in the dark, I was shaking, and there were tears running down my cheeks. And I thought, this is why I eat sugar. This is what I don't want to feel.

And I went to my rape, and I felt. I felt like someone laid boards on my chest. I felt like I was being pressed alive. I could not breathe. It was a different pain. But it hurt.  Again...my body hurt, my emotional self hurt, my psyche hurt. And I just felt the pain. I let it roll over me and through me. And I was surviving. I was softening.  I was forgiving and releasing.

Again I thought, this is why I eat sugar. I don't want to feel this.  Sugar, flour numb this.  But this, it rolled away. I survived.  I learned it does not last.

A few days ago I found a fledgling that had fallen out of a nest.  I could not find the nest.  The feathers looked weak, and not completely there. I posted on a birdwatchers board and found it was, as suspected, a mourning dove.

And I remembered the mourning dove from five years ago.  Do you remember? My grandson and I found it in the garden. A predator, probably the neighbor's huge white cat, had removed all of it's flight feathers on one wing. We moved it inside and kept it safe for about six weeks, maybe, and let it go once the feathers grewback. It flew away. 

I thought of my marriage, and the ways we hurt each other, grabbing at feathers and removing them. We were both damaged.

And those five weeks in a cage, seemed like my years here without a car. Healing time.  Finding my feathers.  Regrowing myself.

And Grandma came close and kissed my forehead, my third eye.  And I sobbed.

I am crying again, as I write...

Because we have to feel the pain. We have to trust it and treasure it. That is how we become powerful and gentle...a powerhouse of love, a safe place...a walking sanctuary.

There was so much more...I am caught in this much...

Again, though, write the book. And again from me - I am so tired. I need to know I am supported.  I need to not get up at 5 am and sit at a desk until mid or late afternoon.  I am tired....

A small voice said, maybe I could start. But I am roiling. I don't even know where to start.

And by goddess, I am tired...

But I am thinking. And I am feeling...and I am grateful!

Love and hugs from Clare

deeper truths -- somewhere

Hi Maggie,

I was going to suggest you contact La Leche League or CEA, the Childbirth Education Association.  I'm so glad you found an experienced mom to work with your program.  I am proud that I am the role model.  If you need me - to talk or for inspiration, let me know. But I think you are exactly on track.

If I came for six months, I would have to bring my chickens.  Wouldn't that be a trip??

I was wondering about the swamp, the pus, the layers, too. I am still being niggled about the idea of a deeper truth.  I wonder if I have to explore in a different direction or at a deeper latitude to find it.

The swamp is the crap that happened to us, the crap that happened to our ancestors and was then inflicted on us so we could damage our beloved children.  The boils are maybe the points that fester, that draw us, that beg for healing, maybe.  If we release, what will we find...what will we be releasing?

There is a deeper truth. That resounds in the Light for me. It is saying yes. It is calling me. I just don't know exactly what I am looking for.

I am looking at the teachers in my life right now.

What lessons am I being asked to learn?

I am being asked to think for myself, to trust myself, to not respond to gaslighting.  I am trying to make sure I take two giant steps away from drama and check to see what part I am playing.  I am being  called to understand it is better to be alone than in pain. I learned that lesson in my marriage.  But there is always a test or two to make sure!

I am being called to love deeply and gently even when in pain...to feel the pain, to acknowledge the pain, to welcome the pain, to love the pain. Pain is emotion, it is feeling, it means I am alive, I am growing, I am softening. It means we survive.

Feeling vulnerable...

Sending love and hugs,

Clare

synchronicity

Clare,
Just a quick note...
I found a doula/lactation consultant/La Leche Leader who wants to work with this pilot program!!!

I am so excited!
The Universe is good and synchronicity is working right now!
<3

Maggie

excited by the possibility

Clare,

I am coming to the end of my busiest month at this job yet. I have worked my ass off...
and ranted and raved because my boss and board took vacations and failed to physically help.
I lost it.
I lost it because the executive board forgot to show up at a meeting that I spent time preparing for...
time that should have been spent on this big project...
I felt invisible...
unworthy of their attention...
insignificant.
I refuse to be invisible.
I don't demand attention or kudos...
but I will be damned if I bust ass and no one else does.

I definitely need a little time off. I am working alone tomorrow...
that's almost time off...
and Monday I am working from home...
again, almost time off.
And then I hope my grant proposal for the pilot is written and I can get back to life (professional) as I have come to know it.

I think...
I hope that this inclusive classroom for pregnant and parenting teens becomes a reality. The one piece that is missing is a 'Clare'.
I need an educated, seasoned mom, who knows how to breastfeed, practices attachment parenting, who will work on the classroom 3 days a week for 6 hours each day. You are the model for that position...I wonder if I can find someone like you. If not, you could move down for 5.5 months and be my classroom facilitator! I'll give you free room and board.

The best part of this process is that during each interview that I do about the classroom the people at first glaze over...
another breastfeeding initiative...
and then we start talking about attachment, mirroring, neurodevelopment, potentials...
and the others get excited too.
They talk about breaking the cycle.
They are beginning to 'get it'.
I really want to emphasize how detrimental it is to separate moms and babies from a young age.
That is the message that is coming through these interviews.
today I spoke with 5 moms...
or moms to be...
3 out of the 5 said they would sign up for this classroom for several reasons...
flexibility...
respect...
the ability to stay with their babies...
and have support of a school.
I am very excited.

My youngest is at the beach. I have several quiet days at home. Next week we are puppy-sitting for our oldest's dog. That should be a lively week. God bless the poor cats!

I wonder about walking back through the swamp...
or pus...
I thought the clean source was the goal...
clean water source and the fertility of the swamp.
"Just keep swimming".

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

who waits to see

By my calculations, it's time to peel

away the obvious secrets so you can penetrate to the richer secrets

buried beneath. It's time to dare a world-changing risk that is currently

obscured by easy risks. It's time to find your real life hidden inside the

pretend one, to expedite the evolution of the authentic self that's

germinating in the darkness.              -Rob Brezsny

Hi Maggie,

I love Rob Brezsny.  He writes crazy funny astute horoscopes...this is the message for my rising sign.  I have been thinking about this for days.

The obvious secrets...abuse, shame, fat...not good enough...So what are the richer secrets beneath?

Suddenly wondered if we not only have to wade back through the swamp, to collect our secrets, but then jump through them...kind of like psychologically lancing the boil and then wading through the pus to see what we have there...

What is my authentic?  I am so good at camouflaging that, I am not sure where to look, what to look for.

But if I am germinating, all I have to do is add Light and let it grow.  I supposed there will be tendrils breaking through and then whatever it is will grow into sight.

I cross stitched a sampler once.  I thought of it tonight as I finished my vegetable garden.  It said:  Who plants a seed beneath the sod, then waits to see believes in god.

If I believe there is something germinating, I will wait to see.

I believe, I guess...

It is all about faith, being in the heart, trusting the flow.

Hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs from clare

listening to myself

Hi Maggie,

I was looking at my body today, and I flashed back to school.  I worked in a beer garden one summer. The year before the waitresses had worn denim skirts and T-shirts with sandals. My year we had to wear soccer shorts, soccer socks and sneakers.  The shorts were way short.

Every time I had a shift in the garden, I complained about my legs.  I touched them and announced that my legs were really fat.

Today, asI was looking at my legs, I realized my body listened and obeyed.

So it was not only Dad's "fat, dumb and ugly", it was mine...my voice, my words...

Now I'm trying to figure out how to fall back in love with my body...wait...I am rying to figure out how to fall in love with my body.  There is no "back in love"  if I was never there in the first place...

Love and hugs from Clare