disconnected

Hey Maggie,

I went to a wedding this afternoon.  I wore the sparkly shoes you gave me.  It was that, or red Converse...Thank you for the sparkles!

Weddings always stir up emotions. Partly because...weddings - joy and love.  Partly today because I have known the bride for half of her life.  I looked back while I was sitting in my pew waiting, and she was standing outside the chapel, waiting to come in, and I felt so much love for her. I looked right at her, she looked right at me. Emotions...spilling everywhere.

But there is always the preparation...deciding what to wear.  I bought new clothes for the first time in years.  I hate it. I hate shopping. I hate dressing rooms and their horrible lighting. I hate looking in the mirror...

And so I was trying all that loathing on for size in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.

And I was thinking about a headline I saw recently stating that disconnection is the root of all addictions. And I suddenly realized I have a serious disconnection inside myself.  I am not connected to me.

I think abuse causes that disconnection.  And with that breach, we struggle to make any other connection. We sort of make them, but not with the authenticity that we could create if we were whole..

This disconnect allows objectification, racism, sexism...I m not sure how to fix it, but I see it in a new way.

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare