I don't think I was courageous to ask the 8-year-old question. I think I was being oblivious. I was seeing it as a way to explore who I thought I would be versus who I am. I wasn't thinking of exactly what life was like when I was 8. When I was 8 I started hanging around with a friend from school whose father told me once that he cared about me the first time he saw me, and if I ever needed help, I ever needed a home, I should come to them.
I remember I didn't react much outwardly, but my heart melted. He didn't make this statement until I was a teen, but he was reflecting back to my 8-year-old self.
You are going to grow roots in Arizona. You're going to need a desert house! Is there any way we can support this program? Part of the current situation might be that you need to be there, as much as your sons. And it was very wise of you to remind your husband that this is a different child with different experiences and expectations.
My middle child will be 30 this weekend. That will mean 3 of the 5 are definitely adults. I feel a bit old. It seemed weird today when I took that leap - most of them are in their 30's...
When my kids were homeschooled teenagers we did lots of lessons and lots of volunteer work. We worked in a soup kitchen once a week for four years. We met amazing community activists, we met the people who needed our services. We ate with them sometimes. We learned how the community pitched together, to glean, who cared about the hungry. We learned how politics affects people's lives. Welfare cuts meant we had children coming for meals for the first time.
We felt poor much of the time, but helping some of these people taught us that we weren't poor.
We helped build homes, we volunteered for the library, we volunteered at the SPCA. Friend's youth activities, and especially AVP were a godsend.
There are so many ways he can be of service and seethe world differently. Be creative mama!
Spent time on my paper tonight, and must sleeeeeeep now. 5:00am always comes so darned early!
I love you, Maggie!!
Hugs from Clare
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Off again
Clare,
I'm glad that you didn't end up in the ER…
that's never a good thing.
I think the question about your 8 year old self was valid and it helped me to see that I no longer feel that way about myself. When we started this blog, I believe that I was fighting those self-inflicted images of myself. Now, I know that I did no wrong. I know that those who hurt or used me did so from a wounded place. I know that human beings do not intentionally hurt each other, so we were less than human at that point. It was a good exercise. I appreciate your courage in asking the question.
My youngest has agreed to go to Arizona. We discussed it yesterday afternoon and he agreed that it would be preferable to traditional drug and alcohol programs. By last evening he was actually excited about the adventure of being out in the desert for so long. He was imagining himself killing snakes, roasting and eating them…even making a headband from their skin. I hope he finds his "heart at peace" early on before he tries to kill animals. My heart is more peaceful and settled knowing that I won't have to lie to him or coerce him to go. We fly on Thursday. Another weekend in Arizona. Husband is excited to return to some of the places we've enjoyed. I am tired and want to just enjoy the beauty. Husband wants to rush through the orientation activities, but I've cautioned him that we are going for very different reasons this time and that we need to take the time to understand why we are there with the youngest. It is a dis-service to expect that we will have the same experience or hear exactly the same messages.
I am back in a holding pattern professionally because of all of this. The schools will not allow him to physically attend because of the substance violation. So, once he returns, he will be doing virtual school (cyber) for the remainder of the year. If he stays clean, then he can return next fall. So, I have to figure out how to juggle work and monitoring his school work, keeping him from being too bored and looking for trouble, all of that. Every time I believe that I can step forward professionally- I get sucked back home. I'm still trying to understand this dynamic- what is the purpose of it? What am I being prepared for?
I have to run some errands before work. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I'm glad that you didn't end up in the ER…
that's never a good thing.
I think the question about your 8 year old self was valid and it helped me to see that I no longer feel that way about myself. When we started this blog, I believe that I was fighting those self-inflicted images of myself. Now, I know that I did no wrong. I know that those who hurt or used me did so from a wounded place. I know that human beings do not intentionally hurt each other, so we were less than human at that point. It was a good exercise. I appreciate your courage in asking the question.
My youngest has agreed to go to Arizona. We discussed it yesterday afternoon and he agreed that it would be preferable to traditional drug and alcohol programs. By last evening he was actually excited about the adventure of being out in the desert for so long. He was imagining himself killing snakes, roasting and eating them…even making a headband from their skin. I hope he finds his "heart at peace" early on before he tries to kill animals. My heart is more peaceful and settled knowing that I won't have to lie to him or coerce him to go. We fly on Thursday. Another weekend in Arizona. Husband is excited to return to some of the places we've enjoyed. I am tired and want to just enjoy the beauty. Husband wants to rush through the orientation activities, but I've cautioned him that we are going for very different reasons this time and that we need to take the time to understand why we are there with the youngest. It is a dis-service to expect that we will have the same experience or hear exactly the same messages.
I am back in a holding pattern professionally because of all of this. The schools will not allow him to physically attend because of the substance violation. So, once he returns, he will be doing virtual school (cyber) for the remainder of the year. If he stays clean, then he can return next fall. So, I have to figure out how to juggle work and monitoring his school work, keeping him from being too bored and looking for trouble, all of that. Every time I believe that I can step forward professionally- I get sucked back home. I'm still trying to understand this dynamic- what is the purpose of it? What am I being prepared for?
I have to run some errands before work. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, September 29, 2014
sorry
Hey Maggie,
After your last post, I wanted to think. And so I got out the lawn mower and proceeded to walk in circles for a long time. I was almost finished with the front yard - probably for the last time this season, when I felt a burn, and another. I mowed over a yellow jacket ground nest. I started running, debating whether to strip off my clothes in the driveway. I made it in the house, and there was one more in my pants leg. I had about six stings on my ankles and lower leg, another higher on my leg and one on my back. And I had no benadryl in the house. I started a tea and filled my canning pot so I could immerse my legs while my daughter started asking her sibs and some neighbors if they had any benadryl. Bottom line - I did not have to go to the ER. And my ankles itch like crazy...And I never made it here last night!
My daughter starts a new job on Wednesday. She will be full time 3 - 11. I will have the baby a lot more. Tonight my daughter went for training, and I fed the baby, bathed the baby, played with her, put her to bed. It took me back to my early mommy days...But my life is about to change...
I thought about your last post a lot. I wish I could share your burden. It hit me hard, again, how much worse it was for you and S#3 being tortured and used at the hands of the brothers for so long. I never had to endure that. One of my first impulses was to copy paste the entry and send it to the three older brothers. I want them to know what they did, to apologize and yet realize they can never fix the damage they did.
Yet my heart goes out to them, knowing they were also sexually abused.
I spent a day with a friend last weekend. She gets mentioned here a lot. She is a social worker and we discuss many things in depth. I was talking a little about our family, and it really came out that Mom had to come from a place of sexual abuse too. It's the only thing that makes sense, the only way she could be so afraid and so hard - I don't know - hard hearted or hard headed - about anything sexual. I popped back to the time she told me I could not walk across the upstairs in my underwear because the boys could not control themselves. That is the essence of the rape culture right there. Never relax, never expose yourself - they can't help themselves, they must rape. Who taught Mom that lesson?
So that led to another question. I know I have mentioned a young friend who died at age 35 of ovarian cancer. After her death her mom and I stood in one place for many hours under a tree at a festival and talked. People began to joke about us still being there. Just before her death, the daughter revealed that she had been molested by her mother's best friend's husband. The thought that popped into my head was - Of course her cancer would appear in her reproductive system. Since breast are seen as sex organ more than organ of nourishment for babies, I wondered if we had such a strong history of breast cancer because we have such a long, strong history of sexual abuse...There is that knowledge that if men see cleavage, we asked to be raped...
I am sorry I asked you the question about being 8. It was very thoughtless of me. I apologize...
Baby is asleep. All of her books are picked up, I think. I remember your older son pulling all of the books down on a regular schedule. Both of my little granddaughters do the same...
I miss you,
Love and hugs from Clare
PS - It is a matter of honor. If he agreed to keep the rules of the school, he was honor bound to keep them. Everything else is rationalization.
After your last post, I wanted to think. And so I got out the lawn mower and proceeded to walk in circles for a long time. I was almost finished with the front yard - probably for the last time this season, when I felt a burn, and another. I mowed over a yellow jacket ground nest. I started running, debating whether to strip off my clothes in the driveway. I made it in the house, and there was one more in my pants leg. I had about six stings on my ankles and lower leg, another higher on my leg and one on my back. And I had no benadryl in the house. I started a tea and filled my canning pot so I could immerse my legs while my daughter started asking her sibs and some neighbors if they had any benadryl. Bottom line - I did not have to go to the ER. And my ankles itch like crazy...And I never made it here last night!
My daughter starts a new job on Wednesday. She will be full time 3 - 11. I will have the baby a lot more. Tonight my daughter went for training, and I fed the baby, bathed the baby, played with her, put her to bed. It took me back to my early mommy days...But my life is about to change...
I thought about your last post a lot. I wish I could share your burden. It hit me hard, again, how much worse it was for you and S#3 being tortured and used at the hands of the brothers for so long. I never had to endure that. One of my first impulses was to copy paste the entry and send it to the three older brothers. I want them to know what they did, to apologize and yet realize they can never fix the damage they did.
Yet my heart goes out to them, knowing they were also sexually abused.
I spent a day with a friend last weekend. She gets mentioned here a lot. She is a social worker and we discuss many things in depth. I was talking a little about our family, and it really came out that Mom had to come from a place of sexual abuse too. It's the only thing that makes sense, the only way she could be so afraid and so hard - I don't know - hard hearted or hard headed - about anything sexual. I popped back to the time she told me I could not walk across the upstairs in my underwear because the boys could not control themselves. That is the essence of the rape culture right there. Never relax, never expose yourself - they can't help themselves, they must rape. Who taught Mom that lesson?
So that led to another question. I know I have mentioned a young friend who died at age 35 of ovarian cancer. After her death her mom and I stood in one place for many hours under a tree at a festival and talked. People began to joke about us still being there. Just before her death, the daughter revealed that she had been molested by her mother's best friend's husband. The thought that popped into my head was - Of course her cancer would appear in her reproductive system. Since breast are seen as sex organ more than organ of nourishment for babies, I wondered if we had such a strong history of breast cancer because we have such a long, strong history of sexual abuse...There is that knowledge that if men see cleavage, we asked to be raped...
I am sorry I asked you the question about being 8. It was very thoughtless of me. I apologize...
Baby is asleep. All of her books are picked up, I think. I remember your older son pulling all of the books down on a regular schedule. Both of my little granddaughters do the same...
I miss you,
Love and hugs from Clare
PS - It is a matter of honor. If he agreed to keep the rules of the school, he was honor bound to keep them. Everything else is rationalization.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
A sense of honor
Clare,
That captures it…
A sense of honor…
Yes...
He needs to find the honorable path on this journey.
He wants the easy way…
last evening we had a long, honest discussion about his habits…
he likes the sense of relief and relaxation that he gets from pot.
I explained that all of that is accessible if he trains his mind and body…
but he thinks that is too much work…
he doesn't understand why he should put in the work when he can get a cheap high.
He has such incredible potential…
I want that for him…
to reach his full potential…
Arizona will help him to sort his feelings out.
What would my 8 year old self say about my life now?
"You deserve this"
That sounds really harsh…
I cannot believe that I wrote that, but it is honest.
When I was 8, I was in the throes of abuse and molestation at the hands of my "family".
I was made to believe that I was no better than an object to be used when they wanted…
and treated worse than a dog when they weren't horney…
or a reminder of how powerful they were.
Sorry, this question is bringing out the worst in me.
I don't remember being 8,
third grade…
I remember understanding long division really quickly and helping the other kids to understand it…
but I don't remember anything specific from home.
I think that's the first or second year we lived at palm and forge. When we moved there I hoped the abuse would stop…
but it didn't…
others were introduced as perpetrators- "here's my sister, give her a shot"
God what horrible memories.
Yes, my 8 year old self had no sense of value, so she would say, "you deserve to struggle"
with cancer
with drugs
with defiance
with marital problems
with sugar
My 8 year old self would not understand joy and gratitude.
She would be embarrassed by any attention and feel ashamed if she was noticed for anything-…
unless it happened at school, then she would secretly love being noticed.
That was my safe place.
But it wasn't everyone's safe place…
in 5th grade a friend was molested by her bus driver- guess who she told?
She told me, did she have a sense that I could understand that kind of betrayal?
Over my lifetime, too many women have confided their abuse to me…
I've often wondered if I exude a message that I understand and am safe to tell…
It's worse now that I'm doing therapy…
I am overwhelmed by the number of people who came in and disclose sexual molestation…
it's a societal cancer.
It kills the spirit of the victims…
or paralyzes it for a period of time…
then something stirs within and starts to demand attention…
"this needs to be healed" it cries out…
and we run
we numb
we distract
we forget
And yet it keeps poking at us- subconsciously
in dreams
in conversations
synchronicity opens the way to healing.
Being violated destroys our vulnerability…
recovering that…
recovering our energy that was surrendered at the time(s) of abuse…
takes time and hard work…
but it is the only way to integrity.
Integrity is my goal…
wholeness of mind, body and spirit.
Shalom.
My 8 year old self was a shell of a girl.
My true spirit was hidden far away where it couldn't be touched.
I will never have those years…
that's one of the casualties of abuse…
I lost a portion of my life because it wasn't safe to be present.
I am making up for that time now…
being present to my own history…
being present to others in their present pain and suffering…
trying to make sense of it all.
People really want very little from others…
only to be seen and heard by the other…
and yet we look past them, don't hear their words…
what are we doing in this lifetime?
Where is our sense of honor…
individual and societal?
This is damned depressing…
but honest.
Love and Light,
Maggie
That captures it…
A sense of honor…
Yes...
He needs to find the honorable path on this journey.
He wants the easy way…
last evening we had a long, honest discussion about his habits…
he likes the sense of relief and relaxation that he gets from pot.
I explained that all of that is accessible if he trains his mind and body…
but he thinks that is too much work…
he doesn't understand why he should put in the work when he can get a cheap high.
He has such incredible potential…
I want that for him…
to reach his full potential…
Arizona will help him to sort his feelings out.
What would my 8 year old self say about my life now?
"You deserve this"
That sounds really harsh…
I cannot believe that I wrote that, but it is honest.
When I was 8, I was in the throes of abuse and molestation at the hands of my "family".
I was made to believe that I was no better than an object to be used when they wanted…
and treated worse than a dog when they weren't horney…
or a reminder of how powerful they were.
Sorry, this question is bringing out the worst in me.
I don't remember being 8,
third grade…
I remember understanding long division really quickly and helping the other kids to understand it…
but I don't remember anything specific from home.
I think that's the first or second year we lived at palm and forge. When we moved there I hoped the abuse would stop…
but it didn't…
others were introduced as perpetrators- "here's my sister, give her a shot"
God what horrible memories.
Yes, my 8 year old self had no sense of value, so she would say, "you deserve to struggle"
with cancer
with drugs
with defiance
with marital problems
with sugar
My 8 year old self would not understand joy and gratitude.
She would be embarrassed by any attention and feel ashamed if she was noticed for anything-…
unless it happened at school, then she would secretly love being noticed.
That was my safe place.
But it wasn't everyone's safe place…
in 5th grade a friend was molested by her bus driver- guess who she told?
She told me, did she have a sense that I could understand that kind of betrayal?
Over my lifetime, too many women have confided their abuse to me…
I've often wondered if I exude a message that I understand and am safe to tell…
It's worse now that I'm doing therapy…
I am overwhelmed by the number of people who came in and disclose sexual molestation…
it's a societal cancer.
It kills the spirit of the victims…
or paralyzes it for a period of time…
then something stirs within and starts to demand attention…
"this needs to be healed" it cries out…
and we run
we numb
we distract
we forget
And yet it keeps poking at us- subconsciously
in dreams
in conversations
synchronicity opens the way to healing.
Being violated destroys our vulnerability…
recovering that…
recovering our energy that was surrendered at the time(s) of abuse…
takes time and hard work…
but it is the only way to integrity.
Integrity is my goal…
wholeness of mind, body and spirit.
Shalom.
My 8 year old self was a shell of a girl.
My true spirit was hidden far away where it couldn't be touched.
I will never have those years…
that's one of the casualties of abuse…
I lost a portion of my life because it wasn't safe to be present.
I am making up for that time now…
being present to my own history…
being present to others in their present pain and suffering…
trying to make sense of it all.
People really want very little from others…
only to be seen and heard by the other…
and yet we look past them, don't hear their words…
what are we doing in this lifetime?
Where is our sense of honor…
individual and societal?
This is damned depressing…
but honest.
Love and Light,
Maggie
quick response
Hi Love,
A friend asked for my help and so I am taking off until tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure you knew you have my love and support. I am holding you all in the Light, especially the boy who has so much potential to be a crusader and to do so much good for the planet and its inhabitants. But he needs to step out of his childish "whatever I want" and develop a sense of honor.
Hugs and love,
Clare
A friend asked for my help and so I am taking off until tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure you knew you have my love and support. I am holding you all in the Light, especially the boy who has so much potential to be a crusader and to do so much good for the planet and its inhabitants. But he needs to step out of his childish "whatever I want" and develop a sense of honor.
Hugs and love,
Clare
Friday, September 26, 2014
overwhelmed
Clare,
I will respond, as my eight year old self…
tomorrow.
Tonight I am overwhelmed.
My youngest was caught with a small amount of pot in his dorm room.
He is indefinitely suspended and potentially expelled.
I had to remove all of his things from his dorm room and he is no longer allowed to live or visit there.
Our home school may not take him because it is a substance violation.
He may have to cyber school for the remainder of the year and then return to school.
The kicker is that he regrets being caught. Nothing else.
He states that he has no intention of stopping the use of pot and it's insane to ask him to.
He refuses to see that he is seriously impacting his future goals…like college choices.
I am sending him to Arizona…
I've decided to send him to the same program his brother just finished.
He needs to see the consequences of his choices and that's what Anasazi is all about. He also needs a change of heart. He left tonight, despite being grounded and being told repeatedly that he is not allowed to go out. He thinks our rules are stupid and because they don't make sense to him he can ignore them.
I've had it.
I've run out of patience with drugs, defiance and dishonesty.
That's all I can say tonight.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I will respond, as my eight year old self…
tomorrow.
Tonight I am overwhelmed.
My youngest was caught with a small amount of pot in his dorm room.
He is indefinitely suspended and potentially expelled.
I had to remove all of his things from his dorm room and he is no longer allowed to live or visit there.
Our home school may not take him because it is a substance violation.
He may have to cyber school for the remainder of the year and then return to school.
The kicker is that he regrets being caught. Nothing else.
He states that he has no intention of stopping the use of pot and it's insane to ask him to.
He refuses to see that he is seriously impacting his future goals…like college choices.
I am sending him to Arizona…
I've decided to send him to the same program his brother just finished.
He needs to see the consequences of his choices and that's what Anasazi is all about. He also needs a change of heart. He left tonight, despite being grounded and being told repeatedly that he is not allowed to go out. He thinks our rules are stupid and because they don't make sense to him he can ignore them.
I've had it.
I've run out of patience with drugs, defiance and dishonesty.
That's all I can say tonight.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, September 25, 2014
'nother question
So, while I wait for eight-year-old Maggie to sound in, I will post another of the questions...
How are you going to save the world?
I haven't thought about this one as much. But how am I going to save the world? Maybe by being open and vulnerable and listening. By listening, maybe I can hear what needs to be, needs to be done.
As an herbalist, I am a healer. I would like to learn more healing modalities and have time to focus on the ones I know. When I am out with the plants, that is when I am in "the zone." Those are my allies, that is where I belong. That is when I can think and truly see.
Instead, I make my eight-year-old cry by sitting at a desk, looking at a computer.
Last night was unusual. I took the dogs out at about 10:00 again. The darkness was thick. You know how sometimes the silence during meeting is palpable, deeper somehow? That is how the darkness was. And all of the plants had presence. There were there. And I could "see" things from the corner of my eye. I went to bed and was "visited" by my border collie and my husky. I was led to think about change and entities that come and go from our lives.
I have been thinking about a paper I have to write for the course I am taking. We have to address some aspect of violence. If I like the end result, I will share it here...
I love you, I miss you...
Hugs,
Clare
How are you going to save the world?
I haven't thought about this one as much. But how am I going to save the world? Maybe by being open and vulnerable and listening. By listening, maybe I can hear what needs to be, needs to be done.
As an herbalist, I am a healer. I would like to learn more healing modalities and have time to focus on the ones I know. When I am out with the plants, that is when I am in "the zone." Those are my allies, that is where I belong. That is when I can think and truly see.
Instead, I make my eight-year-old cry by sitting at a desk, looking at a computer.
Last night was unusual. I took the dogs out at about 10:00 again. The darkness was thick. You know how sometimes the silence during meeting is palpable, deeper somehow? That is how the darkness was. And all of the plants had presence. There were there. And I could "see" things from the corner of my eye. I went to bed and was "visited" by my border collie and my husky. I was led to think about change and entities that come and go from our lives.
I have been thinking about a paper I have to write for the course I am taking. We have to address some aspect of violence. If I like the end result, I will share it here...
I love you, I miss you...
Hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
butterfly kisses
Hey Sister,
I'm glad you took control. From way out here, it seemed that your body was saying enough. I'm so glad you listened. And I hope you can sleep tonight. I hope you have relief.
We had quite a few ugly Christmas trees. There was the one with strings of big blue lights and a silver pot pie pan with a puncture in the middle so each big blue bulb could be pushed through one - sort of homemade reflectors. That is a more vivid memory for me than the tree in the door. I think that tree was put up while I was at college. I came home to it, but missed the creation drama.
The Color Purple always makes me cry...
I still want do-overs with my kids. I could do a better job now - but that's only because I made it through the first time. Perhaps that is why grandmothers are so important. And now that families are separated, grandparents don't get to...mmmm...offer advice.
When you asked about herbs, I considered suggesting dandelion root. It tones the liver, making it more effective. A more efficient liver cleanses excess hormones, which I was afraid would influence the way the tamoxifen is working. I only use milk thistle for the most severe liver problems. And so I would suggest you really read up on it before you take it. If you decide to tone the liver, I seriously suggest dandelion root. The Flor-Essence sounds like a version of Essiac, supposedly a Native American cancer cure. I have heard a lot about it, but never actually met anyone who used it. Red clover has some estrogenic effects and also has the ability to thin the blood. You might want to think about that, especially before surgery. It is easy to prescribe just herbs, but trying to find a good balance when combining with pharmaceutical meds is complex.
I saw a question yesterday that has been staying with me. I will send the blog, with seven questions later. But I challenge you to answer this question with me:
What about your life today would your eight-year-old self hate?
I have been lost in the past thinking about this. I remembered being ten and announcing that when I grew up I would go into the Peace Corp, have 5 kids - 2 boys and 3 girls, and be a writer. I remembered how I used to take a book and climb a tree and read.
I think my eight-year-old hates that we don't climb trees and we don't read enough. My eight-year-old hates that we don't write very much...that we do what others ask us/tell us to do. We thought we could be our own boss when we got big.
My eight-year-old wanted to play an instrument and take ballet. We are sad that we haven't done that. We don't ride bike, we don't run.
My teen-aged self is appalled that I conformed, I am owned by the man, that I am losing myself because I need to make money to survive...
My eight-year-old is sad because we don't take time to spot fairy webs in the early morning or watch the pictures in the clouds or play with our food.
Maybe I have gotten rigid and forgotten how to have fun and to relate - to others, to the world...
How is your eight-year-old self?????
Love and hugs and butterfly kisses!
Clare
I'm glad you took control. From way out here, it seemed that your body was saying enough. I'm so glad you listened. And I hope you can sleep tonight. I hope you have relief.
We had quite a few ugly Christmas trees. There was the one with strings of big blue lights and a silver pot pie pan with a puncture in the middle so each big blue bulb could be pushed through one - sort of homemade reflectors. That is a more vivid memory for me than the tree in the door. I think that tree was put up while I was at college. I came home to it, but missed the creation drama.
The Color Purple always makes me cry...
I still want do-overs with my kids. I could do a better job now - but that's only because I made it through the first time. Perhaps that is why grandmothers are so important. And now that families are separated, grandparents don't get to...mmmm...offer advice.
When you asked about herbs, I considered suggesting dandelion root. It tones the liver, making it more effective. A more efficient liver cleanses excess hormones, which I was afraid would influence the way the tamoxifen is working. I only use milk thistle for the most severe liver problems. And so I would suggest you really read up on it before you take it. If you decide to tone the liver, I seriously suggest dandelion root. The Flor-Essence sounds like a version of Essiac, supposedly a Native American cancer cure. I have heard a lot about it, but never actually met anyone who used it. Red clover has some estrogenic effects and also has the ability to thin the blood. You might want to think about that, especially before surgery. It is easy to prescribe just herbs, but trying to find a good balance when combining with pharmaceutical meds is complex.
I saw a question yesterday that has been staying with me. I will send the blog, with seven questions later. But I challenge you to answer this question with me:
What about your life today would your eight-year-old self hate?
I have been lost in the past thinking about this. I remembered being ten and announcing that when I grew up I would go into the Peace Corp, have 5 kids - 2 boys and 3 girls, and be a writer. I remembered how I used to take a book and climb a tree and read.
I think my eight-year-old hates that we don't climb trees and we don't read enough. My eight-year-old hates that we don't write very much...that we do what others ask us/tell us to do. We thought we could be our own boss when we got big.
My eight-year-old wanted to play an instrument and take ballet. We are sad that we haven't done that. We don't ride bike, we don't run.
My teen-aged self is appalled that I conformed, I am owned by the man, that I am losing myself because I need to make money to survive...
My eight-year-old is sad because we don't take time to spot fairy webs in the early morning or watch the pictures in the clouds or play with our food.
Maybe I have gotten rigid and forgotten how to have fun and to relate - to others, to the world...
How is your eight-year-old self?????
Love and hugs and butterfly kisses!
Clare
taking back control
Clare,
I have just a few minutes, but wanted to tell you this. I had a plastics appointment and told them I've had enough. I cannot take any more expansion. I can't breathe with what's there now. The nurse took 20 cc out of each one, which significantly reduced the pressure and said that I'm done. I see the surgeon next week and set the implant date. I feel so much relief and that I've taken back control. It's a good feeling.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have just a few minutes, but wanted to tell you this. I had a plastics appointment and told them I've had enough. I cannot take any more expansion. I can't breathe with what's there now. The nurse took 20 cc out of each one, which significantly reduced the pressure and said that I'm done. I see the surgeon next week and set the implant date. I feel so much relief and that I've taken back control. It's a good feeling.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Getting my energy flowing again
So I had a very crazy dream last night. It seemed to last forever, and I can't quite decide what issue I am working on. I was in the farmhouse, where we lived when my children were young. I was sleeping, and woke up in the dark because one of my students was in bed with me. One of my little kids was there too. I was talking to my student and asked him to wait a minute, I needed to get a notebook so I could note grammar mistakes. When I came back, he was taking off his white union suit. I asked what he was doing, and he said as long as we were here...So I proceeded to talk about all my past work and none of it included sex. He sort of disappeared and I was looking for notebooks. I couldn't find any, then when I would find one with a little bit of room, it would disappear. I went downstairs and Mom was decorating the ugliest Christmas tree I had ever seen. And she had moved furniture to make room for the tree, so I could not find my computer or my office. Every time I checked the clock it was 15 minutes later and I was missing more and more work. I was becoming increasingly irate and frightened for my job. Then, the library lady came in and told me that when I stepped on the potato peeler at the library, my heel damaged their floors. I found my tiny computer, dropped it, broke it and bent it up. When I woke up I was very upset, very emotional.
This is great…I'll never figure out what it means, but it's brilliant.
Do you remember the christmas tree that Mom and Dad placed in the doorway and decorated it differently on both sides? That was an ugly Christmas tree! I can't believe they did that- I guess it was a good solution, but ugly.
I went to see my reiki healer yesterday…
she gold me that I need "a good cry and a good orgasm"- I cannot believe I am writing that, but it's a direct quote…
she said that both would get my energy flowing again.
I watched A Fault in Our Stars this afternoon and cried multiple times…
I do feel lighter…
not addressing the other solution on line.
I bought a book called Seeking Silence: Exploring and Practicing the Spirituality of Silence-
It has a disc of guided meditations…
so, I will take your advice and listen to those.
I had to send a copy of my son's immunization records today so that he can enroll himself in school. He will be 18 in 2 days. I am so sad that he is not here. I am so sad that he was not present for the past year. I will never get that opportunity to live with him again really. That makes me cry. I love that boy/man so much. Despite all of the struggles I truly love him. And today I am realizing that he is now a visitor- hopefully frequent- but he no longer resides here. This will always be his home, but much like the girls they've grown and moved on. I don't think I've realized how much I miss them all until now. It's funny, I'm not lonely, I just feel like I want a "do-over". I want one more week with him as if he never left or got mixed up in drugs or distanced himself. I think I squandered the opportunity to really be his mom. He was the one who didn't need me fussing over him. He was the independent, cool one that always had friends and things to do. The others were all more needy and demanding of my time. And now he's gone and I'll never have that opportunity again. I can still love and support him, but from a distance. I hope he's learned the lessons I tried to teach. Love, respect, helping others…
I realize it is time for him to fly. He told me that eagles fly high but never lose sight of the ground because they have such incredible eyesight- I trust that he has insight. That will be enough to guide him in life. Sorry for being so sad.
I will order Pronoia and read it- it sounds like what I need at this time.
I spoke with the health food store owner/naturopathic doctor who advised Silymarin and Flor-Essence while I'm on Tamoxifen. The Flor-Essence was studied by Johns Hopkins and found to be cancer preventive as well as detoxifying. it has burdock root, slippery elm bark, red clover, sheep sorrel, turkish rhubarb root, blessed thistle, kelp, and watercress. I'm going to read the studies before I start it. I did buy the Silymarin (Milk Thistle). What do you think?
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
This is great…I'll never figure out what it means, but it's brilliant.
Do you remember the christmas tree that Mom and Dad placed in the doorway and decorated it differently on both sides? That was an ugly Christmas tree! I can't believe they did that- I guess it was a good solution, but ugly.
I went to see my reiki healer yesterday…
she gold me that I need "a good cry and a good orgasm"- I cannot believe I am writing that, but it's a direct quote…
she said that both would get my energy flowing again.
I watched A Fault in Our Stars this afternoon and cried multiple times…
I do feel lighter…
not addressing the other solution on line.
I bought a book called Seeking Silence: Exploring and Practicing the Spirituality of Silence-
It has a disc of guided meditations…
so, I will take your advice and listen to those.
I had to send a copy of my son's immunization records today so that he can enroll himself in school. He will be 18 in 2 days. I am so sad that he is not here. I am so sad that he was not present for the past year. I will never get that opportunity to live with him again really. That makes me cry. I love that boy/man so much. Despite all of the struggles I truly love him. And today I am realizing that he is now a visitor- hopefully frequent- but he no longer resides here. This will always be his home, but much like the girls they've grown and moved on. I don't think I've realized how much I miss them all until now. It's funny, I'm not lonely, I just feel like I want a "do-over". I want one more week with him as if he never left or got mixed up in drugs or distanced himself. I think I squandered the opportunity to really be his mom. He was the one who didn't need me fussing over him. He was the independent, cool one that always had friends and things to do. The others were all more needy and demanding of my time. And now he's gone and I'll never have that opportunity again. I can still love and support him, but from a distance. I hope he's learned the lessons I tried to teach. Love, respect, helping others…
I realize it is time for him to fly. He told me that eagles fly high but never lose sight of the ground because they have such incredible eyesight- I trust that he has insight. That will be enough to guide him in life. Sorry for being so sad.
I will order Pronoia and read it- it sounds like what I need at this time.
I spoke with the health food store owner/naturopathic doctor who advised Silymarin and Flor-Essence while I'm on Tamoxifen. The Flor-Essence was studied by Johns Hopkins and found to be cancer preventive as well as detoxifying. it has burdock root, slippery elm bark, red clover, sheep sorrel, turkish rhubarb root, blessed thistle, kelp, and watercress. I'm going to read the studies before I start it. I did buy the Silymarin (Milk Thistle). What do you think?
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
Monday, September 22, 2014
dreamin' strange
Yeah, Maggie, I understand. Sugar is sneaky-addictive. I can't have any at all. One bite of sugar triggers a binge. Since I haven't been eating sugar, I have begun to notice that white flour can sneak up on me and I end up eating another slice of pizza or two without thought, but also without hunger. So I think that will be next to go.
I have read that we may be Vitamin B deficient or magnesium deficient when we crave chocolate. But for me, it comes down to numbness. If I am having a hard time with life, or feeling low or sad or on the outside, I want chocolate - especially ice cream - but candy will do. I just don't want to feel anything at all any more.
Advice - maybe some guided meditation. Imagine, while deeply relaxed, that you are expanded, that you can breathe deeply. And, yes you can get nettles at the health food store. I usually get it as tea, because it is my daily habit to drink tea. But you can also get it as a capsule.
If I had extra money, I would buy the book Pronoia and gift it to you. The book was written by Rob Brezsny, and it is profound and fun. Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia - it is that sneaking suspicion that the universe is out to help you. After I read the book, I wanted to buy ten or twenty copies and give them out for Christmas!
So I had a very crazy dream last night. It seemed to last forever, and I can't quite decide what issue I am working on. I was in the farmhouse, where we lived when my children were young. I was sleeping, and woke up in the dark because one of my students was in bed with me. One of my little kids was there too. I was talking to my student and asked him to wait a minute, I needed to get a notebook so I could note grammar mistakes. When I came back, he was taking off his white union suit. I asked what he was doing, and he said as long as we were here...So I proceeded to talk about all my past work and none of it included sex. He sort of disappeared and I was looking for notebooks. I couldn't find any, then when I would find one with a little bit of room, it would disappear. I went downstairs and Mom was decorating the ugliest Christmas tree I had ever seen. And she had moved furniture to make room for the tree, so I could not find my computer or my office. Every time I checked the clock it was 15 minutes later and I was missing more and more work. I was becoming increasingly irate and frightened for my job. Then, the library lady came in and told me that when I stepped on the potato peeler at the library, my heel damaged their floors. I found my tiny computer, dropped it, broke it and bent it up. When I woke up I was very upset, very emotional.
Have fun with that!
I am falling behind with my course, and may end up dropping it. That frustrates me very much...
I love you, I hope you sleep well and deeply. I will hold you in the Light.
Clare
I have read that we may be Vitamin B deficient or magnesium deficient when we crave chocolate. But for me, it comes down to numbness. If I am having a hard time with life, or feeling low or sad or on the outside, I want chocolate - especially ice cream - but candy will do. I just don't want to feel anything at all any more.
Advice - maybe some guided meditation. Imagine, while deeply relaxed, that you are expanded, that you can breathe deeply. And, yes you can get nettles at the health food store. I usually get it as tea, because it is my daily habit to drink tea. But you can also get it as a capsule.
If I had extra money, I would buy the book Pronoia and gift it to you. The book was written by Rob Brezsny, and it is profound and fun. Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia - it is that sneaking suspicion that the universe is out to help you. After I read the book, I wanted to buy ten or twenty copies and give them out for Christmas!
So I had a very crazy dream last night. It seemed to last forever, and I can't quite decide what issue I am working on. I was in the farmhouse, where we lived when my children were young. I was sleeping, and woke up in the dark because one of my students was in bed with me. One of my little kids was there too. I was talking to my student and asked him to wait a minute, I needed to get a notebook so I could note grammar mistakes. When I came back, he was taking off his white union suit. I asked what he was doing, and he said as long as we were here...So I proceeded to talk about all my past work and none of it included sex. He sort of disappeared and I was looking for notebooks. I couldn't find any, then when I would find one with a little bit of room, it would disappear. I went downstairs and Mom was decorating the ugliest Christmas tree I had ever seen. And she had moved furniture to make room for the tree, so I could not find my computer or my office. Every time I checked the clock it was 15 minutes later and I was missing more and more work. I was becoming increasingly irate and frightened for my job. Then, the library lady came in and told me that when I stepped on the potato peeler at the library, my heel damaged their floors. I found my tiny computer, dropped it, broke it and bent it up. When I woke up I was very upset, very emotional.
Have fun with that!
I am falling behind with my course, and may end up dropping it. That frustrates me very much...
I love you, I hope you sleep well and deeply. I will hold you in the Light.
Clare
Deficiency
Clare,
I feel as if I sleep a lot right now…
but it's not restful…
I am uncomfortable in my body with these expanders in place.
This morning I have 2 Salon Pas on my upper back to drown out the muscle spasm which is trying to balance the pectoral spasms. I have a reiki appointment this afternoon, which should help a lot. I also have a massage scheduled for the same day as my next expansion. I am trying to balance my body as best I can. I do yoga every morning and walk each day. I try to breathe deeply, but the expanders are pushing inward on my rib cage and restricting that a bit too. So, I do the best that I can.
Sorry, enough complaining.
I need to find a new book or project to take my mind off my physical issues. A friend gave me a book called Ordinary Magic, Developing Resilience. I was so excited to receive it- but it reads very clinically and is not what I hoped for. Today I will stop at the book store and let myself be led to my next book. I could also begin to work on a Christmas stocking for my daughter's boyfriend. I bought all of the thread and materials last November and realized there was no way that I could finish it before Christmas, so I put it away for this fall. Maybe that's what I need to do- start something creative.
If I'm creative my body will respond and open more.
I will try the nettles. I will look for them at the health food store. Do they come as a tea?
I have become quickly dependent upon sugar again. It started as "just one" decaf mocha latte lite…
it's my favorite drink at Dunkin…
I ordered one on the way to an appointment and now I feel as if I need one every time I pass by…
and then Starbucks calls out to me "Soy Chai"…
and I am drinking those again.
Well that all led to ice cream, and chocolate candy…
I rarely eat candy because it is so addictive…
When I eat chocolate I get an amazing burst from it…
and then drop low…
becoming mean at times…
the only thing that brings me back up is chocolate.
So, today is "cold turkey" day. No more sugar. No more ice cream. No more chocolate.
It will be tough for the first 3 - 4 days, but I've done it before.
And no one is home during the day for me to be mean to so it's safe.
Looking back at all of this- I'm obviously craving something I'm missing-
I've got to identify precisely what I am deficient in and replace/supplement that.
Any suggestions?
Any inspirations?
Love and Light,
Maggie
I feel as if I sleep a lot right now…
but it's not restful…
I am uncomfortable in my body with these expanders in place.
This morning I have 2 Salon Pas on my upper back to drown out the muscle spasm which is trying to balance the pectoral spasms. I have a reiki appointment this afternoon, which should help a lot. I also have a massage scheduled for the same day as my next expansion. I am trying to balance my body as best I can. I do yoga every morning and walk each day. I try to breathe deeply, but the expanders are pushing inward on my rib cage and restricting that a bit too. So, I do the best that I can.
Sorry, enough complaining.
I need to find a new book or project to take my mind off my physical issues. A friend gave me a book called Ordinary Magic, Developing Resilience. I was so excited to receive it- but it reads very clinically and is not what I hoped for. Today I will stop at the book store and let myself be led to my next book. I could also begin to work on a Christmas stocking for my daughter's boyfriend. I bought all of the thread and materials last November and realized there was no way that I could finish it before Christmas, so I put it away for this fall. Maybe that's what I need to do- start something creative.
If I'm creative my body will respond and open more.
I will try the nettles. I will look for them at the health food store. Do they come as a tea?
I have become quickly dependent upon sugar again. It started as "just one" decaf mocha latte lite…
it's my favorite drink at Dunkin…
I ordered one on the way to an appointment and now I feel as if I need one every time I pass by…
and then Starbucks calls out to me "Soy Chai"…
and I am drinking those again.
Well that all led to ice cream, and chocolate candy…
I rarely eat candy because it is so addictive…
When I eat chocolate I get an amazing burst from it…
and then drop low…
becoming mean at times…
the only thing that brings me back up is chocolate.
So, today is "cold turkey" day. No more sugar. No more ice cream. No more chocolate.
It will be tough for the first 3 - 4 days, but I've done it before.
And no one is home during the day for me to be mean to so it's safe.
Looking back at all of this- I'm obviously craving something I'm missing-
I've got to identify precisely what I am deficient in and replace/supplement that.
Any suggestions?
Any inspirations?
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, September 21, 2014
's'allright
Maggie,
Hi Love! We spent part of every day this weekend at a small music fest - very rustic, up in the hills and the trees, but we could see the lake. I got to chat with some old friends, and spend time with a dear friend and, of course, the baby.
I didn't make it to Friends' anything this weekend. There was a regional gathering - a quarterly - but there were no teens signed up. I serve on the regional youth activity committee, and so I decided not to go. I had already made a commitment to the fest organizers.
Buses left for New York City as regional meeting broke. That I wish I could go to. The last report I saw said there was an estimated 310,000 people there. I am so profoundly excited!
Working together, we can change things. But we have to change. We can't sit around and wait for any government officials to act. We act, they follow. It has happened over and over.
With your son, you will always worry. But you have to decide what your relationship will be. Do you want to be his cop? Does he want you to be in that role? You have to trust him. You have to, or he won't grow up. But you also have to follow your intuition. If you sense something is going off track - you have to step in and remind him who he is and that he is important. And that he is loved. And that he is an integral part of this family. We need him.
Herbally, I would not advise a cleanse. I am not sure exactly how the tamoxifen works, and I would not want to interfere with the process you have chosen. I would recommend tonic herbs. Tonics tone organs and allow them to function more efficiently.
So, take nettles. That would be my first suggestion. No, my first suggestion is to get some sleep. Then get some more sleep. It is the best possible healer, and you, my little sister, you have had one hell of a year. Your body and your psyche need to heal. And you need to sleep.
I have been losing weight since my birthday. I am not sure how much since the chihuahua peed on my scale and now it won't work. But I am feeling good. I am feeling positive and confident. My clothes are getting looser. Then today I saw photos of me at the fest, and all the confidence went out the window. I became Dad...he's still in me. Will I ever escape his voice???
Back to work tomorrow. Two meetings this week, I am behind in my course and I have to get on top of some advertising for the dances. Tired already!! But I'm good.
With love -
Clare
Hi Love! We spent part of every day this weekend at a small music fest - very rustic, up in the hills and the trees, but we could see the lake. I got to chat with some old friends, and spend time with a dear friend and, of course, the baby.
I didn't make it to Friends' anything this weekend. There was a regional gathering - a quarterly - but there were no teens signed up. I serve on the regional youth activity committee, and so I decided not to go. I had already made a commitment to the fest organizers.
Buses left for New York City as regional meeting broke. That I wish I could go to. The last report I saw said there was an estimated 310,000 people there. I am so profoundly excited!
Working together, we can change things. But we have to change. We can't sit around and wait for any government officials to act. We act, they follow. It has happened over and over.
With your son, you will always worry. But you have to decide what your relationship will be. Do you want to be his cop? Does he want you to be in that role? You have to trust him. You have to, or he won't grow up. But you also have to follow your intuition. If you sense something is going off track - you have to step in and remind him who he is and that he is important. And that he is loved. And that he is an integral part of this family. We need him.
Herbally, I would not advise a cleanse. I am not sure exactly how the tamoxifen works, and I would not want to interfere with the process you have chosen. I would recommend tonic herbs. Tonics tone organs and allow them to function more efficiently.
So, take nettles. That would be my first suggestion. No, my first suggestion is to get some sleep. Then get some more sleep. It is the best possible healer, and you, my little sister, you have had one hell of a year. Your body and your psyche need to heal. And you need to sleep.
I have been losing weight since my birthday. I am not sure how much since the chihuahua peed on my scale and now it won't work. But I am feeling good. I am feeling positive and confident. My clothes are getting looser. Then today I saw photos of me at the fest, and all the confidence went out the window. I became Dad...he's still in me. Will I ever escape his voice???
Back to work tomorrow. Two meetings this week, I am behind in my course and I have to get on top of some advertising for the dances. Tired already!! But I'm good.
With love -
Clare
to trust or not to trust...
Clare,
I hope you're having a good weekend. Mine's been pretty good. I had all 4 kids home for dinner last evening- and no one got angry and left the table. That's a miracle. We actually all had a good time, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
I went to Meeting this morning, not many in attendance. Many are at the Climate Summit demonstration in NY. Many spoke about fossil fuels and our dependence this morning, others spoke about the little things that are changing. One woman spoke of the bluffs in NE Iowa which are being destroyed because they are composed of a slippery type sand that works especially well for fracking- so they're being dug up and transported- we are so short sighted.
I have to do opening exercises next week at Meeting on an environmental topic- I hope that I can put something coherent together.
My older son just left, driving back to S#5's house. He will turn 18 on Thursday and enroll in school. Then he will truly be settled in there. He came home this week on Thursday evening to go to a dentist appointment on Friday. He spent most of the weekend with two friends. I am honestly having to make myself let him go. I am afraid that others will influence him and he'll start using drugs again.
I promised him trust in Arizona.
And yet I find myself watching him, looking for signs of drug use.
So far I haven't seen anything- I am thankful.
But, am I wrong to be vigilant?
Does that make me untrusting?
Does that make me wise?
He came home one day smelling of cigarettes and I asked him about it- he said it was others smoking.
I want to believe him…
I want to believe that he'll never use again…
but I am realistic…
I just want to be able to fully trust.
I am tired.
I feel as if I need to do a cleanse.
When I get chronically tired like this that usually helps.
I am afraid of mixing herbal cleanses with the tamoxifen…
any suggestions?
I may go and ask the owner of the local health food store…
she has a naturopathic degree…
but any advice would be appreciated.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I hope you're having a good weekend. Mine's been pretty good. I had all 4 kids home for dinner last evening- and no one got angry and left the table. That's a miracle. We actually all had a good time, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
I went to Meeting this morning, not many in attendance. Many are at the Climate Summit demonstration in NY. Many spoke about fossil fuels and our dependence this morning, others spoke about the little things that are changing. One woman spoke of the bluffs in NE Iowa which are being destroyed because they are composed of a slippery type sand that works especially well for fracking- so they're being dug up and transported- we are so short sighted.
I have to do opening exercises next week at Meeting on an environmental topic- I hope that I can put something coherent together.
My older son just left, driving back to S#5's house. He will turn 18 on Thursday and enroll in school. Then he will truly be settled in there. He came home this week on Thursday evening to go to a dentist appointment on Friday. He spent most of the weekend with two friends. I am honestly having to make myself let him go. I am afraid that others will influence him and he'll start using drugs again.
I promised him trust in Arizona.
And yet I find myself watching him, looking for signs of drug use.
So far I haven't seen anything- I am thankful.
But, am I wrong to be vigilant?
Does that make me untrusting?
Does that make me wise?
He came home one day smelling of cigarettes and I asked him about it- he said it was others smoking.
I want to believe him…
I want to believe that he'll never use again…
but I am realistic…
I just want to be able to fully trust.
I am tired.
I feel as if I need to do a cleanse.
When I get chronically tired like this that usually helps.
I am afraid of mixing herbal cleanses with the tamoxifen…
any suggestions?
I may go and ask the owner of the local health food store…
she has a naturopathic degree…
but any advice would be appreciated.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Quick note
Clare,
Just having a busy weekend. I spent the day with my youngest, he had a double header baseball game at school. It was good to just enjoy watching him. We talked on the drive home. He seems more content this week. He has another double header tomorrow, but husband is taking him. I have Meeting and help an elderly Friend get back and forth. It will be good to have a day at home.
I had all 4 kids at dinner…everyone together…what a treat. They actually laughed and got along. It was our first family dinner in a very long time. I realize that those will be harder and harder to schedule, so for tonight I just enjoyed them all bantering back and forth.
I will check in tomorrow, right now I'm going to have a glass of wine with husband.
Lova and Light,
Maggie
Just having a busy weekend. I spent the day with my youngest, he had a double header baseball game at school. It was good to just enjoy watching him. We talked on the drive home. He seems more content this week. He has another double header tomorrow, but husband is taking him. I have Meeting and help an elderly Friend get back and forth. It will be good to have a day at home.
I had all 4 kids at dinner…everyone together…what a treat. They actually laughed and got along. It was our first family dinner in a very long time. I realize that those will be harder and harder to schedule, so for tonight I just enjoyed them all bantering back and forth.
I will check in tomorrow, right now I'm going to have a glass of wine with husband.
Lova and Light,
Maggie
happy
Good morning little sister,
I hope you are well, and just very busy.
I am serene. No dreams, no memories...just an early autumn day with fun things to do. It is another festival weekend, and I am making the vegan soups for the food tent. I am working on a curried eggplant soup, now. It needs apples. I don't have any, and so we will go into the forest. Old apple trees always indicate an old farmstead.
I went outside early to hang laundry on the clothesline. I had the baby with me. She didn't let her mama sleep very much last night, so the babe was hanging out with me while mama tried to get a little more sleep. While we were outside, and the little one stripped the rest of my cherry tomatoes from the vine, I remembered how my babies always wanted to help me. I remember rolling my eyes, then turning to them with a smile. I knew the job was going to take three times longer, but the kid would be happy and connected.
Next generation - if I go outside with the dogs, to the garden, with compost, to get the mail, to hang laundry - she KNOWS she is supposed to go wih me. She crumples into tears if I slip out without her.
I love it!
Hope you are having a happyday...
Love and hugs from Clare
I hope you are well, and just very busy.
I am serene. No dreams, no memories...just an early autumn day with fun things to do. It is another festival weekend, and I am making the vegan soups for the food tent. I am working on a curried eggplant soup, now. It needs apples. I don't have any, and so we will go into the forest. Old apple trees always indicate an old farmstead.
I went outside early to hang laundry on the clothesline. I had the baby with me. She didn't let her mama sleep very much last night, so the babe was hanging out with me while mama tried to get a little more sleep. While we were outside, and the little one stripped the rest of my cherry tomatoes from the vine, I remembered how my babies always wanted to help me. I remember rolling my eyes, then turning to them with a smile. I knew the job was going to take three times longer, but the kid would be happy and connected.
Next generation - if I go outside with the dogs, to the garden, with compost, to get the mail, to hang laundry - she KNOWS she is supposed to go wih me. She crumples into tears if I slip out without her.
I love it!
Hope you are having a happyday...
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, September 18, 2014
seeing women
Stop expanding the boobs. I think your body is saying "Enough, absolutely enough!"
My eldest went to her doc for a regular check up. Since she is high risk for breast cancer, her doc is going to try to get my daughter's insurance to cover genetic testing. She told her doc that you would be willing to talk to her, if necessary. I agreed that you would...so would you???
I was interrupted mid-thought last night. When my kid goes to pick up her cousin, I get left with a sleeping baby. The baby hears her Mama's car leave and generally wakes up. Sigh...
I do love being the grandmother. My other-coast grandkids miss me as much as I miss them, I have heard. Another sigh...
The next point I was thinking about last night was the under-reported incidence of suicide among women and minorities. I remember talking to a friend who is an archivist about tracing our family history once. She said that the Irish were treated like dogs when they first immigrated. And so it is often impossible to find records of Irish ancestors. They papers were not valuable enough to keep. I think women and minorities are still treated that way.
I read something else about the way gay men were treated in the Victorian and Edwardian and Civil War eras. It was not nice. But women were never mistreated. Because women without men were sexless and worthless. Two maiden aunts living together did so because there was not anything better for them, i.e. a man.
I think maybe suicide reports are like that. Women aren't seen as being strong enough to kill themselves.
But I was very surprised to find that white men were the largest population to commit suicide...
Had an interesting day learning about hedge funds and fungicides...each day is an adventure.
I have gotten behind on my homework, need to advertise an upcoming contradance (Wanna come up and dance?) and I am making vegan soups for a small festival this weekend. And I'm tired. Maybe it's just an complaining kind of day!
This is sacred space. You get to vent and complain if you need to. It is all lovingly recognized and acknowledged.
With love...
Clare
My eldest went to her doc for a regular check up. Since she is high risk for breast cancer, her doc is going to try to get my daughter's insurance to cover genetic testing. She told her doc that you would be willing to talk to her, if necessary. I agreed that you would...so would you???
I was interrupted mid-thought last night. When my kid goes to pick up her cousin, I get left with a sleeping baby. The baby hears her Mama's car leave and generally wakes up. Sigh...
I do love being the grandmother. My other-coast grandkids miss me as much as I miss them, I have heard. Another sigh...
The next point I was thinking about last night was the under-reported incidence of suicide among women and minorities. I remember talking to a friend who is an archivist about tracing our family history once. She said that the Irish were treated like dogs when they first immigrated. And so it is often impossible to find records of Irish ancestors. They papers were not valuable enough to keep. I think women and minorities are still treated that way.
I read something else about the way gay men were treated in the Victorian and Edwardian and Civil War eras. It was not nice. But women were never mistreated. Because women without men were sexless and worthless. Two maiden aunts living together did so because there was not anything better for them, i.e. a man.
I think maybe suicide reports are like that. Women aren't seen as being strong enough to kill themselves.
But I was very surprised to find that white men were the largest population to commit suicide...
Had an interesting day learning about hedge funds and fungicides...each day is an adventure.
I have gotten behind on my homework, need to advertise an upcoming contradance (Wanna come up and dance?) and I am making vegan soups for a small festival this weekend. And I'm tired. Maybe it's just an complaining kind of day!
This is sacred space. You get to vent and complain if you need to. It is all lovingly recognized and acknowledged.
With love...
Clare
complaining…again
Clare,
To answer the kitten question…
I think I saved it.
I can remember sitting down on the ground, reaching for it…
once you touch it, it's yours, right?
I'm not sure what it is symbolic for…
maybe a part of me…
maybe the work I'm doing right now…
every once in a while I get a lost soul in the office that needs to be revived.
I started out, in January, saying that I didn't want to see angry men….
they intimidate me…
make me stop thinking and processing…
I had 3 so far this week.
Each with very violent sides to their personalities and yet they were calm and respectful with me.
It is frightening to see this side of people.
One is schizophrenic- I've never seen a person actively hallucinating….
it was confusing because the voices in his head had to be translated so that I could understand what was going on. Luckily this person is able to understand the difference between reality and hallucination- at least today he could.
My life has kind of gotten back to normal this week. With both boys safely tucked into their new environments I am able to work and move as I need to, without worrying about who's going to be where and getting finished on a specific schedule. It's kind of nice to have a little freedom in my schedule.
I am really uncomfortable this week after expansion. I felt like I was going to faint yesterday as I was driving away from my appointment. I think the muscles are just getting too stretched. A friend did a massage later in the day and was amazed how tight my pectorals are as they insert onto my upper arm. It hurt so badly as she was trying to release those. I came home and sat in the hot tub, only to realize the bromine levels were too high and I was choking on the fumes. I had to take a shower to get it off my skin. Today I've been having stabbing pains across my lumps. I try no to grab them, but nonchalantly put pressure on the painful spots to release them. I hope that people aren't wondering why I'm grabbing my lady lumps. Last night I has a T shirt on and it was pulled kind of low and all I could see was cleavage- I told husband, "this is ridiculous, they're big enough!" He just laughs at me.
Enough complaining for one day,
Love and Light,
Maggie
To answer the kitten question…
I think I saved it.
I can remember sitting down on the ground, reaching for it…
once you touch it, it's yours, right?
I'm not sure what it is symbolic for…
maybe a part of me…
maybe the work I'm doing right now…
every once in a while I get a lost soul in the office that needs to be revived.
I started out, in January, saying that I didn't want to see angry men….
they intimidate me…
make me stop thinking and processing…
I had 3 so far this week.
Each with very violent sides to their personalities and yet they were calm and respectful with me.
It is frightening to see this side of people.
One is schizophrenic- I've never seen a person actively hallucinating….
it was confusing because the voices in his head had to be translated so that I could understand what was going on. Luckily this person is able to understand the difference between reality and hallucination- at least today he could.
My life has kind of gotten back to normal this week. With both boys safely tucked into their new environments I am able to work and move as I need to, without worrying about who's going to be where and getting finished on a specific schedule. It's kind of nice to have a little freedom in my schedule.
I am really uncomfortable this week after expansion. I felt like I was going to faint yesterday as I was driving away from my appointment. I think the muscles are just getting too stretched. A friend did a massage later in the day and was amazed how tight my pectorals are as they insert onto my upper arm. It hurt so badly as she was trying to release those. I came home and sat in the hot tub, only to realize the bromine levels were too high and I was choking on the fumes. I had to take a shower to get it off my skin. Today I've been having stabbing pains across my lumps. I try no to grab them, but nonchalantly put pressure on the painful spots to release them. I hope that people aren't wondering why I'm grabbing my lady lumps. Last night I has a T shirt on and it was pulled kind of low and all I could see was cleavage- I told husband, "this is ridiculous, they're big enough!" He just laughs at me.
Enough complaining for one day,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
violence
Hello Mags.
I am sorry I didn't make it here yesterday. I spent a few hours working on minutes for a meeting. Then I had people in my office...then I went to bed!
It was interesting reading about your kitten dream. I had had a nagging feeling that I was dreaming about rescuing a puppy or a baby. But I couldn't remember anything - I was left with an impression.
So my question is - are the kittens each one of you in the family? Does someone need rescuing? Or do the kittens stand for aspects of yourself? Is there some part of you that desperately needs to be revived?
Did you save the kitten? Do you want to? I know you woke up before you found out, but what does your intuition tell you?
How is Thunder Bay?
I have been working on my violence course. Yesterday I read a lot of statistics about violence. The population most likely to commit suicide is white men who are aged 40 - 54. The other high risk group are adolescent and young Native American men.
We are waging genocide on them now. It must be so painful that they decide to leave rather than endure what the dominant white culture inflicts on them. If they make it though this period, the inherent spirituality of their culture becomes an asset. It's all about community.
But white men - we see them as being the most important, most powerful part of all cultures. But I often think about the oppression they must endure and survive in order to suppress their humanity and become oppressive. Perhaps the most sensitive of them can not endure the pain...
What was also interesting is that there is the distinct possibility that women and minorities are under-reported.
More tomorrow...the baby is crying.
love...C.
I am sorry I didn't make it here yesterday. I spent a few hours working on minutes for a meeting. Then I had people in my office...then I went to bed!
It was interesting reading about your kitten dream. I had had a nagging feeling that I was dreaming about rescuing a puppy or a baby. But I couldn't remember anything - I was left with an impression.
So my question is - are the kittens each one of you in the family? Does someone need rescuing? Or do the kittens stand for aspects of yourself? Is there some part of you that desperately needs to be revived?
Did you save the kitten? Do you want to? I know you woke up before you found out, but what does your intuition tell you?
How is Thunder Bay?
I have been working on my violence course. Yesterday I read a lot of statistics about violence. The population most likely to commit suicide is white men who are aged 40 - 54. The other high risk group are adolescent and young Native American men.
We are waging genocide on them now. It must be so painful that they decide to leave rather than endure what the dominant white culture inflicts on them. If they make it though this period, the inherent spirituality of their culture becomes an asset. It's all about community.
But white men - we see them as being the most important, most powerful part of all cultures. But I often think about the oppression they must endure and survive in order to suppress their humanity and become oppressive. Perhaps the most sensitive of them can not endure the pain...
What was also interesting is that there is the distinct possibility that women and minorities are under-reported.
More tomorrow...the baby is crying.
love...C.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
kitten dream
Clare,
Thank you...
for loving me...
for sharing your thoughts with me...
for sharing your emotions with me...
for sharing your awakenings with me…
I've said this before, but this has become a very integral part of my spiritual practice. Writing with you makes me think and feel about topics I am too frightened to take on by myself. We've touched on, and dissected, many scary topics and we've thrived through them. This is a sacred space.
I started working on a powerpoint yesterday, What does environmental change have to do with social work? It is an expansion of an article I wrote. I pulled up the movie from 350.org talking about this week's rally at the UN and now I really want to go. But, my life is too crazy right now. I do wonder what my kids would say if I took them to NY to support wise environmental policies. It might change their dynamic a little- get them out of their own heads for a while. I will talk with friends tonight at a committee meeting.
I had a dream last night about kittens. I found a kitten and picked it up. One of my kids saw me and suddenly it was ours. As we played, another identical kitten showed up and of course we couldn't turn it away. It quickly became apparent that we were adopting the litter when another showed up and my kids snatched it up as well. Then something strange happened. I went to the food bowl, picked up a towel and found an emaciated, sick kitten under it- still alive. I didn't want to pick it up. I didn't want to take on the challenge of a sick kitten. But, I couldn't help myself. I found an medicine dropper, sat down and held the kitten and started to give it water. I woke up, so I don't know if it regained health or not. Maybe the dream ties in with your observation that sometimes we "go first" by seeing the need, and opening to the one in need. Maybe offering assistance is as scary as asking for help. I'm not sure. I do feel frightened some days with clients who I feel overwhelmed by their stories…but as I continue to listen things don't seem as daunting.
I am being pulled back to my horses too. I feel as if I NEED to see them. Through this summer I have been so distracted that I've not been over to see them much- only 4 times. They are well cared for at all times, but I haven't groomed them or spoiled them with carrots and apples. I am going over tomorrow night. I'm sure that my big ThunderBay will put his butt towards me and act offended- but eventually he'll turn around and nuzzle my neck. That's the game we play when I've been away too long. The others will also be excited to be groomed, but they are not as offended by my absences as Thunder. It will be good.
I've got to get ready for work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thank you...
for loving me...
for sharing your thoughts with me...
for sharing your emotions with me...
for sharing your awakenings with me…
I've said this before, but this has become a very integral part of my spiritual practice. Writing with you makes me think and feel about topics I am too frightened to take on by myself. We've touched on, and dissected, many scary topics and we've thrived through them. This is a sacred space.
I started working on a powerpoint yesterday, What does environmental change have to do with social work? It is an expansion of an article I wrote. I pulled up the movie from 350.org talking about this week's rally at the UN and now I really want to go. But, my life is too crazy right now. I do wonder what my kids would say if I took them to NY to support wise environmental policies. It might change their dynamic a little- get them out of their own heads for a while. I will talk with friends tonight at a committee meeting.
I had a dream last night about kittens. I found a kitten and picked it up. One of my kids saw me and suddenly it was ours. As we played, another identical kitten showed up and of course we couldn't turn it away. It quickly became apparent that we were adopting the litter when another showed up and my kids snatched it up as well. Then something strange happened. I went to the food bowl, picked up a towel and found an emaciated, sick kitten under it- still alive. I didn't want to pick it up. I didn't want to take on the challenge of a sick kitten. But, I couldn't help myself. I found an medicine dropper, sat down and held the kitten and started to give it water. I woke up, so I don't know if it regained health or not. Maybe the dream ties in with your observation that sometimes we "go first" by seeing the need, and opening to the one in need. Maybe offering assistance is as scary as asking for help. I'm not sure. I do feel frightened some days with clients who I feel overwhelmed by their stories…but as I continue to listen things don't seem as daunting.
I am being pulled back to my horses too. I feel as if I NEED to see them. Through this summer I have been so distracted that I've not been over to see them much- only 4 times. They are well cared for at all times, but I haven't groomed them or spoiled them with carrots and apples. I am going over tomorrow night. I'm sure that my big ThunderBay will put his butt towards me and act offended- but eventually he'll turn around and nuzzle my neck. That's the game we play when I've been away too long. The others will also be excited to be groomed, but they are not as offended by my absences as Thunder. It will be good.
I've got to get ready for work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, September 15, 2014
go first
Hi Maggie,
I think I was inspired by two things. First was your son identifying why he uses with his counselor. Second was discussing conflict in the workplace. It came down to fear of losing one's job or something similar that made people react violently in a professional setting.
I had a moment's clarity when it seemed that if we could identify our fear, and be heard, we would not need to be violent. We would be safe without creating conflict.
Who goes first could be admitting one's vulnerability first. But it could also be recognizing another's fear, acknowledging it, truly listening to what the person is saying, to recognizing their humanity. Being the first to give might also lessen the need for violence and conflict.
I understand what you mean about belonging to meeting. We tracked in about 5 minutes late. My daughter was wearing cowboy boots. We had three kids. People looked up. And they smiled. They were truly happy to see us.
I remember reading something once about children who felt loved and accepted. The single little thing their parents did was to smile when they saw them. And, it does feel good. It's so simple, yet so loving and important.
I state that we don't need to reduce our consumption. We need to change our society, our whole culture. Otherwise our species will not survive.
I channeled truth once...I surprise myself when I hear things I did not plan, did not know that I knew come out of my mouth. I was with a group of Friends. We were looking through the bible trying to find advice, directions, statements related to our responsibilities toward this planet. We couldn't find much - a few lines about stewardship. Someone speculated that our species could kill the planet. I said that would not happen. We could severely wound her, but we would actually kill ourselves. The planet would recover and survive without us.
I still think this is a truth.
I was glad to hear that all is fairly smooth with your children. Please keep me posted. I am holding you all in the Light.
And in my heart, with love...
Clare
I think I was inspired by two things. First was your son identifying why he uses with his counselor. Second was discussing conflict in the workplace. It came down to fear of losing one's job or something similar that made people react violently in a professional setting.
I had a moment's clarity when it seemed that if we could identify our fear, and be heard, we would not need to be violent. We would be safe without creating conflict.
Who goes first could be admitting one's vulnerability first. But it could also be recognizing another's fear, acknowledging it, truly listening to what the person is saying, to recognizing their humanity. Being the first to give might also lessen the need for violence and conflict.
I understand what you mean about belonging to meeting. We tracked in about 5 minutes late. My daughter was wearing cowboy boots. We had three kids. People looked up. And they smiled. They were truly happy to see us.
I remember reading something once about children who felt loved and accepted. The single little thing their parents did was to smile when they saw them. And, it does feel good. It's so simple, yet so loving and important.
I state that we don't need to reduce our consumption. We need to change our society, our whole culture. Otherwise our species will not survive.
I channeled truth once...I surprise myself when I hear things I did not plan, did not know that I knew come out of my mouth. I was with a group of Friends. We were looking through the bible trying to find advice, directions, statements related to our responsibilities toward this planet. We couldn't find much - a few lines about stewardship. Someone speculated that our species could kill the planet. I said that would not happen. We could severely wound her, but we would actually kill ourselves. The planet would recover and survive without us.
I still think this is a truth.
I was glad to hear that all is fairly smooth with your children. Please keep me posted. I am holding you all in the Light.
And in my heart, with love...
Clare
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself
Clare,
Yes, fear is the root of violence…
towards others…
towards ourselves…
towards the world…
environment, animals, and the list is infinite.
How do we empower people to see that their vulnerability is not weakness or to be feared?
How do we assure them that my gifts can bolster your weaknesses and vice versa- living in true communion?
Who goes first?
It has to be "me"…
and then "Me Too".
We had a good weekend. I still felt very low in energy, but my period started today so that may explain the depressed emotions last week. Second month on Tamoxifen and I am bleeding a second time. I wonder if the dose is right? It's supposed to block estrogen, so I shouldn't be creating a lining to be shed. I will call the doctor to ask.
Anyway- the weekend. Daughter #2 and both sons were home. We did pretty well, except for my suppressed anxiety for my older son visiting with friends. I do believe that he avoided drugs- he chose the two friends that he declared his sobriety to. Son #2 was more stable. He did lose his temper on the way back to school though with husband.
We took son#1 to S#5's house. He was quiet the evening before and morning of departure, but he never challenged his decision. Our parents were there when we arrived. He and Dad talked about all of the critters he'd seen in Arizona. Dad was sharing stories. It was good to see them getting along. We left after several hours- it was not as heard as I thought it was going to be, definitely easier than the last time I dropped him off there. After I got home I texted him that I was proud of him for having the courage to follow through on his plans. He wrote back that he appreciated that. I asked him to create an email so we can write to each other. I really enjoy writing to him…I hope he does that. I really miss him, but I know this is the best move for him.
I spoke in Meeting this week. I rarely speak, but every once in a while my whole body starts to shake and I just have to. I spoke gratitude to the Friends Community for their love and support through this summer. I spoke of the Anasazi lesson of a Heart at Peace being parallel to the Quaker value of seeing that of God in every being. And I spoke of how important that has become in my life. Many came to speak with me after the rise of Meeting- so I think it touched many of them.
It is good to belong…
they have become the family that I've longed for.
They set an example for how family can truly be.
I am grateful.
I'm glad that you got back to Meeting this past Sunday. Many of my Friends/friends are going to NY for the weekend as well. I am touched by the challenge of sustainability- and how ineffective that goal really is. We need to seriously decrease our consumption- not just maintain it. A friend of mine shared an idea that is remarkable…a car that creates its own energy by having small wind turbines attached. As the car moves forward they rotate generating additional power which can be stored in a battery for starts to overcome inertia. Those simple ideas have the potential of changing the balance. But, big oil buys all innovations to maintain our addiction to oil.
Love and Light until tomorrow (well really forever),
Maggie
Yes, fear is the root of violence…
towards others…
towards ourselves…
towards the world…
environment, animals, and the list is infinite.
How do we empower people to see that their vulnerability is not weakness or to be feared?
How do we assure them that my gifts can bolster your weaknesses and vice versa- living in true communion?
Who goes first?
It has to be "me"…
and then "Me Too".
We had a good weekend. I still felt very low in energy, but my period started today so that may explain the depressed emotions last week. Second month on Tamoxifen and I am bleeding a second time. I wonder if the dose is right? It's supposed to block estrogen, so I shouldn't be creating a lining to be shed. I will call the doctor to ask.
Anyway- the weekend. Daughter #2 and both sons were home. We did pretty well, except for my suppressed anxiety for my older son visiting with friends. I do believe that he avoided drugs- he chose the two friends that he declared his sobriety to. Son #2 was more stable. He did lose his temper on the way back to school though with husband.
We took son#1 to S#5's house. He was quiet the evening before and morning of departure, but he never challenged his decision. Our parents were there when we arrived. He and Dad talked about all of the critters he'd seen in Arizona. Dad was sharing stories. It was good to see them getting along. We left after several hours- it was not as heard as I thought it was going to be, definitely easier than the last time I dropped him off there. After I got home I texted him that I was proud of him for having the courage to follow through on his plans. He wrote back that he appreciated that. I asked him to create an email so we can write to each other. I really enjoy writing to him…I hope he does that. I really miss him, but I know this is the best move for him.
I spoke in Meeting this week. I rarely speak, but every once in a while my whole body starts to shake and I just have to. I spoke gratitude to the Friends Community for their love and support through this summer. I spoke of the Anasazi lesson of a Heart at Peace being parallel to the Quaker value of seeing that of God in every being. And I spoke of how important that has become in my life. Many came to speak with me after the rise of Meeting- so I think it touched many of them.
It is good to belong…
they have become the family that I've longed for.
They set an example for how family can truly be.
I am grateful.
I'm glad that you got back to Meeting this past Sunday. Many of my Friends/friends are going to NY for the weekend as well. I am touched by the challenge of sustainability- and how ineffective that goal really is. We need to seriously decrease our consumption- not just maintain it. A friend of mine shared an idea that is remarkable…a car that creates its own energy by having small wind turbines attached. As the car moves forward they rotate generating additional power which can be stored in a battery for starts to overcome inertia. Those simple ideas have the potential of changing the balance. But, big oil buys all innovations to maintain our addiction to oil.
Love and Light until tomorrow (well really forever),
Maggie
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Fear?
Hello Maggie,
Hope you are having a fulfilling weekend, with lots of positive happenings.
I went to meeting for worship for the first time in years. I have maintained my connection to my meeting, and I serve on both monthly and regional committees. But with no car, and with responsibility for the baby, I simply have not gone to meeting. My daughter hurt her leg at work, and can't go to work, and so we had the freedom to go to meeting. She has repeatedly said she wants her daughter to be raised Quaker. My daughter's opportunities and lessons and connections through Friends have been very important to her. She wants the baby to have the same.
The messages I got today stemmed from the upcoming march. Next weekend many Friends will be in New York City to march against climate change. I have to work and so I will not go. But I read something that affected me a lot. One of my favorite activist/philosophers, Derrick Jensen, warned that we need to consider what we are marching for. If we are marching for sustainability, it can't be to sustain the current culture, which is fundamentally unsustainable. We have to become something different.
In meeting, I thought about not having a car. Do I want one? Yes. I want to be involved. I was an effective activist. Do I want one? No. I don't want to participate in the current petroleum addiction. I would like to get an electric-assist bicycle and a trailer. I would definitely use that during the temperate months. But what about the events I miss because of not having a car...My mind got lost in sustainability and the resources I use, the resources I think I need. I heard messages about change and balance or I will notice...change and balance. And so I will listen.
I worked yesterday - still trying to recover from not being paid while I went away. (European benefits are so much more humane than ours!) I spent an hour and a half working on conflict resolution with someone. I had a revelation. Suddenly I realized that the root of all violence is fear. If we can identify and verbalize what we fear, maybe we will lose the need to be violent. Could it be so simple, or am I at the beginning of a new idea...Made me think I should study mediation...
I love you, I miss you...Sending hugs...
Clare
Hope you are having a fulfilling weekend, with lots of positive happenings.
I went to meeting for worship for the first time in years. I have maintained my connection to my meeting, and I serve on both monthly and regional committees. But with no car, and with responsibility for the baby, I simply have not gone to meeting. My daughter hurt her leg at work, and can't go to work, and so we had the freedom to go to meeting. She has repeatedly said she wants her daughter to be raised Quaker. My daughter's opportunities and lessons and connections through Friends have been very important to her. She wants the baby to have the same.
The messages I got today stemmed from the upcoming march. Next weekend many Friends will be in New York City to march against climate change. I have to work and so I will not go. But I read something that affected me a lot. One of my favorite activist/philosophers, Derrick Jensen, warned that we need to consider what we are marching for. If we are marching for sustainability, it can't be to sustain the current culture, which is fundamentally unsustainable. We have to become something different.
In meeting, I thought about not having a car. Do I want one? Yes. I want to be involved. I was an effective activist. Do I want one? No. I don't want to participate in the current petroleum addiction. I would like to get an electric-assist bicycle and a trailer. I would definitely use that during the temperate months. But what about the events I miss because of not having a car...My mind got lost in sustainability and the resources I use, the resources I think I need. I heard messages about change and balance or I will notice...change and balance. And so I will listen.
I worked yesterday - still trying to recover from not being paid while I went away. (European benefits are so much more humane than ours!) I spent an hour and a half working on conflict resolution with someone. I had a revelation. Suddenly I realized that the root of all violence is fear. If we can identify and verbalize what we fear, maybe we will lose the need to be violent. Could it be so simple, or am I at the beginning of a new idea...Made me think I should study mediation...
I love you, I miss you...Sending hugs...
Clare
Friday, September 12, 2014
thoughts-n-questions
Hi Sis,
If you are having postpartum depression, who did you just birth? You or your son or a new life or a whole new family???
Seriously, though, the hormonal changes of menopause are difficult. I'm not surprised that you are having an emotional reaction. And you are going through the hormonal changes quickly, making it even more difficult. You night want to consider drinking dandelion root tea every day. It tones the liver, so that organ can work more efficiently.
I understand your worry about your older son. We always think we can handle it, but often it's more difficult than we imagine. It's like dieting, eating a "bad" food and thinking we might as well give up...I know that pattern well. And I've seen alcoholics follow the same pattern. It's that notorious slippery slope. I think he'll be better when he gets to start over, and consciously choose a new path. Is anyone from the program in Arizona keeping in touch with him? Having that connection, that reminder, that could help him stay centered.
What has your healer said about him and his renewed/restored energy?
Just a thought - Do you know what S#5's diet is like?
Your youngest knows something is off - the mood swings are the tip off. Pot does keep you relaxed, but it's not going to heal the swings. I still think he needs someone to listen to him. Is he open to counseling? How is he doing at the new school? Does there seem to be a pot subculture? Is he thriving there and bringing the garbage home to you and his dad? I've read a lot about food allergies causing emotional/psychological problems. And I remember he always had food allergies.
Have you tried reflective listening with him? Reword and repeat what he tells you or threatens you with. One important thing I use to do with mine was ask them to consider who they wanted to be. I would point out that it didn't matter who they thought they were, their behavior identified them. So I would repeat what they said, sometimes I would label it,( for instance - that is the behavior of a bully, or that is the behavior of a liar) but I would always ask them if that was who they wanted to be.
He is basically telling you that if you give him anything he wants, he will be easy to get along with. That indicates to me that he can control himself. He simply chooses not to.
I had a Skype session with your godson and his daughter today. On my side was me with my youngest granddaughter.The girls showed each other their bellybuttons and their toes. At the end, they each kissed the computer screen. They were heartbreakingly cute, so cute that we spontaneously awwwwwwed. I need to have all my kids close....
How's life now that you can eat more than lentils and rice?
Sending lots of love and hugs. If you need me, you know where to find me...
Your big sister
If you are having postpartum depression, who did you just birth? You or your son or a new life or a whole new family???
Seriously, though, the hormonal changes of menopause are difficult. I'm not surprised that you are having an emotional reaction. And you are going through the hormonal changes quickly, making it even more difficult. You night want to consider drinking dandelion root tea every day. It tones the liver, so that organ can work more efficiently.
I understand your worry about your older son. We always think we can handle it, but often it's more difficult than we imagine. It's like dieting, eating a "bad" food and thinking we might as well give up...I know that pattern well. And I've seen alcoholics follow the same pattern. It's that notorious slippery slope. I think he'll be better when he gets to start over, and consciously choose a new path. Is anyone from the program in Arizona keeping in touch with him? Having that connection, that reminder, that could help him stay centered.
What has your healer said about him and his renewed/restored energy?
Just a thought - Do you know what S#5's diet is like?
Your youngest knows something is off - the mood swings are the tip off. Pot does keep you relaxed, but it's not going to heal the swings. I still think he needs someone to listen to him. Is he open to counseling? How is he doing at the new school? Does there seem to be a pot subculture? Is he thriving there and bringing the garbage home to you and his dad? I've read a lot about food allergies causing emotional/psychological problems. And I remember he always had food allergies.
Have you tried reflective listening with him? Reword and repeat what he tells you or threatens you with. One important thing I use to do with mine was ask them to consider who they wanted to be. I would point out that it didn't matter who they thought they were, their behavior identified them. So I would repeat what they said, sometimes I would label it,( for instance - that is the behavior of a bully, or that is the behavior of a liar) but I would always ask them if that was who they wanted to be.
He is basically telling you that if you give him anything he wants, he will be easy to get along with. That indicates to me that he can control himself. He simply chooses not to.
I had a Skype session with your godson and his daughter today. On my side was me with my youngest granddaughter.The girls showed each other their bellybuttons and their toes. At the end, they each kissed the computer screen. They were heartbreakingly cute, so cute that we spontaneously awwwwwwed. I need to have all my kids close....
How's life now that you can eat more than lentils and rice?
Sending lots of love and hugs. If you need me, you know where to find me...
Your big sister
Postpartum depression
Clare,
I think I have postpartum depression.
Last week I was so elated and full of life…
except the vomiting and stuff of course.
This week life has slipped back into it's usual routine. And I feel sad and lack the energy to even go for a walk. At first I thought it was a reflection of the clients I was seeing…
very heavy stuff this week…
but, I think it's more.
I've promised trust to my son…
and yet when he goes out with friends I worry about his choices…
he went out with 2 friends yesterday who he identified as concerning for his forward walking…
and yet he reassured me that he can handle it.
The sobriety is so easily lost.
I believe that he truly values it…
but I am uncertain.
He spent 7 weeks with minimal sugar and fat, high fiber, daily exercise and all of the sunshine possible. Since his return he's been eating junk, listening to music, watching TV, not exercising, and hanging out with friends. It's too much on the body to go from one extreme to the other.
I keep telling myself…
it's been 9 weeks since he's been able to really relax and enjoy…
but there's a part that wants to sweep him away from the negative influences…
which we are doing…
he's going to S#5's on Sunday.
I understand that there will be negative influences there…
they are ubiquitous…
but, he can make conscious choices about who he hangs out with…
it won't be habitual.
My younger son is also still struggling with the transitions.
He regularly curses husband and I out when he doesn't get his way. At vulnerable moments he says he can't understand the mood swings, but refuses counseling when it's offered. He thinks smoking pot is the answer to helping him to relax…That's what he told us last night…give me more money and pot and I'll be happy and easy to get along with. He's a master at emotional blackmail…luckily I've seen through his attempts and know he's bluffing. But it doesn't make any of the time with him easier.
I've thought about making him a 7 day border and not bringing him home for the weekends- but that's not the answer, that would be the easy way out.
Anyway, I've complained enough for one morning. I am holding these two boys/men in the Light, asking for powers greater than mine to guide them. And am maintaining my Heart at Peace- seeing the greatness in each even when times get tough. Any advice or thoughts would be welcomed.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think I have postpartum depression.
Last week I was so elated and full of life…
except the vomiting and stuff of course.
This week life has slipped back into it's usual routine. And I feel sad and lack the energy to even go for a walk. At first I thought it was a reflection of the clients I was seeing…
very heavy stuff this week…
but, I think it's more.
I've promised trust to my son…
and yet when he goes out with friends I worry about his choices…
he went out with 2 friends yesterday who he identified as concerning for his forward walking…
and yet he reassured me that he can handle it.
The sobriety is so easily lost.
I believe that he truly values it…
but I am uncertain.
He spent 7 weeks with minimal sugar and fat, high fiber, daily exercise and all of the sunshine possible. Since his return he's been eating junk, listening to music, watching TV, not exercising, and hanging out with friends. It's too much on the body to go from one extreme to the other.
I keep telling myself…
it's been 9 weeks since he's been able to really relax and enjoy…
but there's a part that wants to sweep him away from the negative influences…
which we are doing…
he's going to S#5's on Sunday.
I understand that there will be negative influences there…
they are ubiquitous…
but, he can make conscious choices about who he hangs out with…
it won't be habitual.
My younger son is also still struggling with the transitions.
He regularly curses husband and I out when he doesn't get his way. At vulnerable moments he says he can't understand the mood swings, but refuses counseling when it's offered. He thinks smoking pot is the answer to helping him to relax…That's what he told us last night…give me more money and pot and I'll be happy and easy to get along with. He's a master at emotional blackmail…luckily I've seen through his attempts and know he's bluffing. But it doesn't make any of the time with him easier.
I've thought about making him a 7 day border and not bringing him home for the weekends- but that's not the answer, that would be the easy way out.
Anyway, I've complained enough for one morning. I am holding these two boys/men in the Light, asking for powers greater than mine to guide them. And am maintaining my Heart at Peace- seeing the greatness in each even when times get tough. Any advice or thoughts would be welcomed.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, September 11, 2014
afraid of
Hi Maggie,
It might be the source of the swamp because that is where it forms. The fresh water pounds down and has nowhere to go and so it begins to erode, remove, eat away, the get larger and larger, to lose its clarity, lose it's beauty.
I was stopped by your opening statement to Dad - I have always been afraid of you. I had to think about that...am I afraid of him? I am afraid of his moods. I remember monitoring the way he walked, so I knew whether to get out of the way or not. But more than being afraid of him, I have always been afraid that he didn't love me. In fact, I have always been pretty sure he didn't love me. And he never really liked me either. That was difficult, and is still very painful. I remember as a child thinking there was a rule that said parents must love their children. But Dad did not love me. It always seemed like there must be something terribly wrong with me if my own parent didn't even like me. My logical adult knows this is not true, but there is an unloved child within. Maybe that's a rock that can be moved...I just have to allow someone to love me. Maybe...
Congratulations on the Me Too art contest. I can't wait to see the entries!
The play seems important too. I never thought about scanty versus modest. It must be such a part of our culture that we do it without recognizing the pattern. I wonder if I did it...But pulling it out into the open, looking at it, discussing it - that's important.
If boyfriends can tell us how to dress, doesn't that make them our fathers???
I was suggested as a memberof a team of people looking at ways to address food issues as well as ways to increase options for exercise in our county. I went to a first meeting tonight. I went with a woman who is a little younger, who comes from a big family too. Often I throw people off, or even annoy them by sharing all kinds of crazy ideas. I know they are way out there, but the crazy idea often leads to something new and doable. So I was doing it tonight, just being myself, and she got it! I was so happy.
Three more expansions until boobalicious! You can do it!!
Love and hugs from Clare
It might be the source of the swamp because that is where it forms. The fresh water pounds down and has nowhere to go and so it begins to erode, remove, eat away, the get larger and larger, to lose its clarity, lose it's beauty.
I was stopped by your opening statement to Dad - I have always been afraid of you. I had to think about that...am I afraid of him? I am afraid of his moods. I remember monitoring the way he walked, so I knew whether to get out of the way or not. But more than being afraid of him, I have always been afraid that he didn't love me. In fact, I have always been pretty sure he didn't love me. And he never really liked me either. That was difficult, and is still very painful. I remember as a child thinking there was a rule that said parents must love their children. But Dad did not love me. It always seemed like there must be something terribly wrong with me if my own parent didn't even like me. My logical adult knows this is not true, but there is an unloved child within. Maybe that's a rock that can be moved...I just have to allow someone to love me. Maybe...
Congratulations on the Me Too art contest. I can't wait to see the entries!
The play seems important too. I never thought about scanty versus modest. It must be such a part of our culture that we do it without recognizing the pattern. I wonder if I did it...But pulling it out into the open, looking at it, discussing it - that's important.
If boyfriends can tell us how to dress, doesn't that make them our fathers???
I was suggested as a memberof a team of people looking at ways to address food issues as well as ways to increase options for exercise in our county. I went to a first meeting tonight. I went with a woman who is a little younger, who comes from a big family too. Often I throw people off, or even annoy them by sharing all kinds of crazy ideas. I know they are way out there, but the crazy idea often leads to something new and doable. So I was doing it tonight, just being myself, and she got it! I was so happy.
Three more expansions until boobalicious! You can do it!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Me Too is born
Clare,
You're correct that learning experientially is definitely the best way. I sometimes forget to get out of my head and actually practice all of the amazing things I think or read about. I have so much acquired knowledge, but some of it is buried, waiting to be tapped by some situation where it is necessary or helpful.
I was also thinking about the swamp while I wrote yesterday. I was wondering if I'd found the source of the swamp…
Is it clear at the source, only to be thickened and muddied as it journeys forward?
This morning's meditation brought me back to the stone of conversing with Dad. That's the next stone for me to remove. I actually played some of it in my head. Beginning the conversation with, "I've always been afraid of you. I don't want to feel that way anymore." I was also wondering if sharing our past lives together would freak him out or make him understand better.
I went to a play tonight on dating violence. It was well done, quite interactive. They would run a scene…and then pause and ask for audience observations and how they felt about things. It was about the subtle beginnings of power and control and then how they escalate.
I was amazed how many students thought it is OK for your dating partner to tell you how to dress…they felt that it was all right to demand a level of modesty once you're dating that that wasn't there before. I wanted to ask them why they think it's OK to parade their private parts in scanty clothing just to attract men…but then cover up once they got one.
There were also comments about helping the other person change through love. I found myself commenting out loud, "Beauty and the Beast is just a fairy tale guys".
The DV shelter is sponsoring this play at 5 local high schools- so hopefully the message will be received by the students.
Along with the play I've created an art contest entitled,
"Me too…break the silence…break the cycle".
All but 2 of the county high schools are promoting the contest and the winners (poster and video categories) will be posted on the Facebook page for the DV shelter and potentially made into a billboard. My first Me Too campaign!!!! I am so excited.
Expansion was uncomfortable- as usual. It isn't overtly painful once the needle is in place, but the pressure is incredible. I find myself pressing down on my lumps throughout the day following. That beats taking valium. I only have 3 more expansions! Then I will wait 8 weeks or so to allow the cavity to form. After that implant surgery and I will be done. Hopefully all this will be done before Christmas.
Love and Light,
Maggie
You're correct that learning experientially is definitely the best way. I sometimes forget to get out of my head and actually practice all of the amazing things I think or read about. I have so much acquired knowledge, but some of it is buried, waiting to be tapped by some situation where it is necessary or helpful.
I was also thinking about the swamp while I wrote yesterday. I was wondering if I'd found the source of the swamp…
Is it clear at the source, only to be thickened and muddied as it journeys forward?
This morning's meditation brought me back to the stone of conversing with Dad. That's the next stone for me to remove. I actually played some of it in my head. Beginning the conversation with, "I've always been afraid of you. I don't want to feel that way anymore." I was also wondering if sharing our past lives together would freak him out or make him understand better.
I went to a play tonight on dating violence. It was well done, quite interactive. They would run a scene…and then pause and ask for audience observations and how they felt about things. It was about the subtle beginnings of power and control and then how they escalate.
I was amazed how many students thought it is OK for your dating partner to tell you how to dress…they felt that it was all right to demand a level of modesty once you're dating that that wasn't there before. I wanted to ask them why they think it's OK to parade their private parts in scanty clothing just to attract men…but then cover up once they got one.
There were also comments about helping the other person change through love. I found myself commenting out loud, "Beauty and the Beast is just a fairy tale guys".
The DV shelter is sponsoring this play at 5 local high schools- so hopefully the message will be received by the students.
Along with the play I've created an art contest entitled,
"Me too…break the silence…break the cycle".
All but 2 of the county high schools are promoting the contest and the winners (poster and video categories) will be posted on the Facebook page for the DV shelter and potentially made into a billboard. My first Me Too campaign!!!! I am so excited.
Expansion was uncomfortable- as usual. It isn't overtly painful once the needle is in place, but the pressure is incredible. I find myself pressing down on my lumps throughout the day following. That beats taking valium. I only have 3 more expansions! Then I will wait 8 weeks or so to allow the cavity to form. After that implant surgery and I will be done. Hopefully all this will be done before Christmas.
Love and Light,
Maggie
experientially
Hi Maggie,
I think the first trick is to figure out where the rocks are and how to get a hand on them. The rocks may be what is keeping the swamp full of water and muck...maybe. I think I'm still a bit lost in the swamp, and I can't find the dam...Your dream featured clean, running water. That is a great step forward!
Just to clarify, RC is not about conversing. It is about listening, recognizing - not agreeing or disagreeing. You are supposed to accept and acknowledge and be present. I had to learn to stay present with wild emotions and let the person know they were okay and I was there and I was listening.
I understand "fear." I use fear to shield myself, to avoid what is frightening about life. That is my way of taking the edge off rather than going to the edge.
Your son has learned something important, probably experientially. I know it logically, but I still haven't quite learned.
I hope the expansion went smoothly and with very little pain.
I am cooking dinner as I write. It's almost done. I will be back tomorrow.
Love from Clare
I think the first trick is to figure out where the rocks are and how to get a hand on them. The rocks may be what is keeping the swamp full of water and muck...maybe. I think I'm still a bit lost in the swamp, and I can't find the dam...Your dream featured clean, running water. That is a great step forward!
Just to clarify, RC is not about conversing. It is about listening, recognizing - not agreeing or disagreeing. You are supposed to accept and acknowledge and be present. I had to learn to stay present with wild emotions and let the person know they were okay and I was there and I was listening.
I understand "fear." I use fear to shield myself, to avoid what is frightening about life. That is my way of taking the edge off rather than going to the edge.
Your son has learned something important, probably experientially. I know it logically, but I still haven't quite learned.
I hope the expansion went smoothly and with very little pain.
I am cooking dinner as I write. It's almost done. I will be back tomorrow.
Love from Clare
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Take the edge off
Clare,
I think the trick is to try to wiggle the rocks and see which one gives way…
that is the one that is ready to be moved…
that is the one that will make way for forward flow.
I had a session with a woman, younger than myself, who looked terribly old today. When she told me her story I cried on the inside. It was about childhood sexual abuse and then multiple abusive relationships. Each one tinged with hope of changing the partner for the better…but failing horribly.
I made a comment about how poorly our country views women and treats them even worse. I came home spent and feeling shaky. I think my rage was simmering underneath. I took a walk, mowed the lawn, cursed at the dog…sorry little dog…and am feeling somewhat better.
The listening and validating piece is very important. I think that's what my job is all about. Hearing the words that are spoken and unspoken…and teasing out those that are too scary to be spoken aloud. Each of the people I see has such strength. Each has overwhelming challenges….and yet they are brave enough to ask for help. They are willing to show vulnerability.
I can see the value of listening to my youngest…but I stop conversing when he crosses the boundary of respect…I don't stop listening or processing…I just refuse to continue a conversation when he's cursing at me…but I will try harder to anticipate his edge and help him to navigate it better.
My older son told me that along the trail he was discussing drug use with an advisor…."why do you use?" was the question posed to him. He made up a bunch of reasons, but finally came to the most honest answer, "fear". He told them he used substances to "take the edge off" when he was feeling uncertain and afraid. He was challenged to consciously remove the "edge"…allow vulnerability…and become comfortable with himself….and then his need for drugs would go away.
I am tired and I have an expansion in the morning. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think the trick is to try to wiggle the rocks and see which one gives way…
that is the one that is ready to be moved…
that is the one that will make way for forward flow.
I had a session with a woman, younger than myself, who looked terribly old today. When she told me her story I cried on the inside. It was about childhood sexual abuse and then multiple abusive relationships. Each one tinged with hope of changing the partner for the better…but failing horribly.
I made a comment about how poorly our country views women and treats them even worse. I came home spent and feeling shaky. I think my rage was simmering underneath. I took a walk, mowed the lawn, cursed at the dog…sorry little dog…and am feeling somewhat better.
The listening and validating piece is very important. I think that's what my job is all about. Hearing the words that are spoken and unspoken…and teasing out those that are too scary to be spoken aloud. Each of the people I see has such strength. Each has overwhelming challenges….and yet they are brave enough to ask for help. They are willing to show vulnerability.
I can see the value of listening to my youngest…but I stop conversing when he crosses the boundary of respect…I don't stop listening or processing…I just refuse to continue a conversation when he's cursing at me…but I will try harder to anticipate his edge and help him to navigate it better.
My older son told me that along the trail he was discussing drug use with an advisor…."why do you use?" was the question posed to him. He made up a bunch of reasons, but finally came to the most honest answer, "fear". He told them he used substances to "take the edge off" when he was feeling uncertain and afraid. He was challenged to consciously remove the "edge"…allow vulnerability…and become comfortable with himself….and then his need for drugs would go away.
I am tired and I have an expansion in the morning. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
moving rocks
Hi!
I love the image from your dream. I thought a lot about the circle of stones damming the flow. It seemed to me that we have two options. We can flow and splash so hard that we escape, at least partially, or we can lift a stone or two and gently set them aside. We wouldn't even have to move them all - just one. It seems so simple - yet I am blank about what to move and how to move it.
Very brave of you to face creating alliances in the family. I think my alliance was me and the kids, with their dad outside. I think I did that even when we were happily married. I guess it is part of the way we were raised. We doubt that we are loveable, and so we force our children to love us. The alliance problem in my brood does come from my ex. He always has a favorite, and together they "worry" about whoever is on the outside. That loving concern is an excuse to bash the outsider. For a long time his fave was the youngest. Lately it has been the oldest.
I have learned not to share too much about what the kids are doing with their sibs. It's not mine to share. And it cuts down on the drama...
It is so healthy to admit that this all happens. Thanks for the inspiration.
I don't think I would use AVP to communicate with the youngest. I would use techniques from RC - Reevaluation Counseling. Of course he wants vengeance. He has been wronged in favor of the broken, weaker child. I'm not sure exactly what was going on in your family dynamics, but I remember everything B#2 was allowed to get away with because our parents were protecting him. He stole from all of us...
In RC we learned to be truly present and calm and accepting and we learned to really listen. He needs someone to hear what he has to say...not to calm him or soothe him. He needs to have his pain recognized and validated.
I have been falling asleep while typing. I think I need to get up, go bring in the laundry, move!!
I love you. I also love the message from your healer...I breathed a sigh of relief.
Clare
I love the image from your dream. I thought a lot about the circle of stones damming the flow. It seemed to me that we have two options. We can flow and splash so hard that we escape, at least partially, or we can lift a stone or two and gently set them aside. We wouldn't even have to move them all - just one. It seems so simple - yet I am blank about what to move and how to move it.
Very brave of you to face creating alliances in the family. I think my alliance was me and the kids, with their dad outside. I think I did that even when we were happily married. I guess it is part of the way we were raised. We doubt that we are loveable, and so we force our children to love us. The alliance problem in my brood does come from my ex. He always has a favorite, and together they "worry" about whoever is on the outside. That loving concern is an excuse to bash the outsider. For a long time his fave was the youngest. Lately it has been the oldest.
I have learned not to share too much about what the kids are doing with their sibs. It's not mine to share. And it cuts down on the drama...
It is so healthy to admit that this all happens. Thanks for the inspiration.
I don't think I would use AVP to communicate with the youngest. I would use techniques from RC - Reevaluation Counseling. Of course he wants vengeance. He has been wronged in favor of the broken, weaker child. I'm not sure exactly what was going on in your family dynamics, but I remember everything B#2 was allowed to get away with because our parents were protecting him. He stole from all of us...
In RC we learned to be truly present and calm and accepting and we learned to really listen. He needs someone to hear what he has to say...not to calm him or soothe him. He needs to have his pain recognized and validated.
I have been falling asleep while typing. I think I need to get up, go bring in the laundry, move!!
I love you. I also love the message from your healer...I breathed a sigh of relief.
Clare
Monday, September 8, 2014
Seeking Water Stone
Clare,
As we sat in the Dawn Star Circle we all shared the Anasazi lesson(s) that most touched us. I believe that I read something similar to this, but I shared a dream that I had experienced recently. There was a mountain stream flowing downward over rocks, splashing and moving with vitality. Then there was a turbulent pool surrounded, damned by rocks. Instead of flowing around the rocks the water bounced off of them repeatedly, creating a whirlpool of turbulent waters. My "trail name" was given as Seeking Water Stone. The dream is my choice, I can continue to flow past the rocks, gaining wisdom and insights or I can stagnate and ruminate about the same issues over and over again- creating dysfunction.
That was my big lesson from Anasazi.
There were so others along the way. I realized that I had created alliances within the family in order to make myself the good guy/martyr. It was always couched in the assumption that honesty should prevail- so all of the kids should know what the others are doing. But, the reality was that I used the information to turn sibling against sibling. I have spoken to them about this and apologized.
My son created names for his Dad and I. He named me Nurturing Mountain Spring. Isn't that wonderful? I just love that name.
I'm sorry your youngest grandchild has broken a bone. All of mine broke bones early in life. I remember being on the phone with you when my oldest broke her wrist tipping off my nursing footstool. That's an interesting theory on the reason though. We should do a study.
Yesterday my youngest had a very difficult transition between school and home- again. I think I've written about this before. He leaves school and picks a fight with one of us. We are really trying to implement the Anasazi principles and listen with a heart at peace to him, but he gets so angry because we won't argue with him. He gets himself so frustrated that he's cursing and threatening us- because we won't fight back. I just tell him that I love him, but will not be cursed at, so please don't talk until you've calmed down. It is really rough. He says he wants justice for years of maltreatment at the hands of his brother (teasing, public humiliation), but what he really wants is vengeance. I've asked him to read the difference between the two, but he just laughs at me. Any advice from your Alternatives to violence program?
I took both boys to see my Reiki healer tonight. She pulled me aside after the older one and said, "He is completely different energetically. His future is changed." I need to get in to see her.
That's all for tonight.
Love and Light,
Maggie
As we sat in the Dawn Star Circle we all shared the Anasazi lesson(s) that most touched us. I believe that I read something similar to this, but I shared a dream that I had experienced recently. There was a mountain stream flowing downward over rocks, splashing and moving with vitality. Then there was a turbulent pool surrounded, damned by rocks. Instead of flowing around the rocks the water bounced off of them repeatedly, creating a whirlpool of turbulent waters. My "trail name" was given as Seeking Water Stone. The dream is my choice, I can continue to flow past the rocks, gaining wisdom and insights or I can stagnate and ruminate about the same issues over and over again- creating dysfunction.
That was my big lesson from Anasazi.
There were so others along the way. I realized that I had created alliances within the family in order to make myself the good guy/martyr. It was always couched in the assumption that honesty should prevail- so all of the kids should know what the others are doing. But, the reality was that I used the information to turn sibling against sibling. I have spoken to them about this and apologized.
My son created names for his Dad and I. He named me Nurturing Mountain Spring. Isn't that wonderful? I just love that name.
I'm sorry your youngest grandchild has broken a bone. All of mine broke bones early in life. I remember being on the phone with you when my oldest broke her wrist tipping off my nursing footstool. That's an interesting theory on the reason though. We should do a study.
Yesterday my youngest had a very difficult transition between school and home- again. I think I've written about this before. He leaves school and picks a fight with one of us. We are really trying to implement the Anasazi principles and listen with a heart at peace to him, but he gets so angry because we won't argue with him. He gets himself so frustrated that he's cursing and threatening us- because we won't fight back. I just tell him that I love him, but will not be cursed at, so please don't talk until you've calmed down. It is really rough. He says he wants justice for years of maltreatment at the hands of his brother (teasing, public humiliation), but what he really wants is vengeance. I've asked him to read the difference between the two, but he just laughs at me. Any advice from your Alternatives to violence program?
I took both boys to see my Reiki healer tonight. She pulled me aside after the older one and said, "He is completely different energetically. His future is changed." I need to get in to see her.
That's all for tonight.
Love and Light,
Maggie
welcome back!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vISnZpUBBkQ
It is so good to see/hear/note so much joy and enthusiasm in your report. I hope your whole family takes this joy and holds it deep in your hearts and remembers it forever.
The youtube clip above is a favorite by a favorite performer. I could not find a better version of the song, Wild Javelina, so I hope you can relax and listen to the long version.
I wonder if the desert is sacred because humans can't get there and desacredize it. It is what we seem to do best. We see a beautiful forest, and start cutting down the trees....sort of what we do to each other, too.
I have read, repeatedly, that when one child is acting out, when they take on the role of the bad one, they are acting for the whole family. It almost seems like the medieval scapegoat, a holy but maligned position in society. And it's so easy for the family to blame the bad one and feel righteous. But it's a sacrament to lift the role, the reputation and share that mantle.
As I read your post, I remembered Dad's, "You damned kids. It's all your fault." I know I believed it. No, I believe it - present tense! I wonder how many of the rest of the sibs believed too. I never acted out. I think the boys took that on - each of them in turn, but especially B#2.
What if Dad had accepted some of the responsibility for the way our family functioned?
I have said that one person's healing heals us all. I feel so much happiness for you right now, but it's also pushing me back to when we were little, and I'm reevaluating it somewhat. And my perspective will have to change. Your healing leads to healing.
Thank you for your courage.
I am looking forward to the rest of your story...
Love from Clare
It is so good to see/hear/note so much joy and enthusiasm in your report. I hope your whole family takes this joy and holds it deep in your hearts and remembers it forever.
The youtube clip above is a favorite by a favorite performer. I could not find a better version of the song, Wild Javelina, so I hope you can relax and listen to the long version.
I wonder if the desert is sacred because humans can't get there and desacredize it. It is what we seem to do best. We see a beautiful forest, and start cutting down the trees....sort of what we do to each other, too.
I have read, repeatedly, that when one child is acting out, when they take on the role of the bad one, they are acting for the whole family. It almost seems like the medieval scapegoat, a holy but maligned position in society. And it's so easy for the family to blame the bad one and feel righteous. But it's a sacrament to lift the role, the reputation and share that mantle.
As I read your post, I remembered Dad's, "You damned kids. It's all your fault." I know I believed it. No, I believe it - present tense! I wonder how many of the rest of the sibs believed too. I never acted out. I think the boys took that on - each of them in turn, but especially B#2.
What if Dad had accepted some of the responsibility for the way our family functioned?
I have said that one person's healing heals us all. I feel so much happiness for you right now, but it's also pushing me back to when we were little, and I'm reevaluating it somewhat. And my perspective will have to change. Your healing leads to healing.
Thank you for your courage.
I am looking forward to the rest of your story...
Love from Clare
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Anasazi- ancient wisdom works!
Clare,
I am back in the East. I already miss the desert, it was a sacred place. On Tuesday we arrived at the office and they prepared us for the reunion with our son. They explained that sometimes there is an awkwardness in the initial moments- the young walkers don't trust that their parents have changed, or can't accept their love. We had a 4 hour trip from Phoenix to the campsite, it was magnificently beautiful. The terrain changed as we traveled north to a less desert, more brushy, wooded type landscape. It was beautiful where-ever we looked. It is so unpopulated once you leave the city behind.
After we arrived we had about half an hour to wait until the brought our son to the camp. I could barely control my emotions. Finally I heard voices, Husband had been wandering and found them as they hiked down into camp, so he was at his side. The sight of him was that rush of happiness and relief that you feel after a long labor and the baby is finally birthed. The embrace was long and hard and heart-felt. We were all embracing and crying. It is a beautiful memory now. Our son was so excited, beside himself. He did not stop talking and storytelling until bedtime Tuesday night. He showed us how to make fire with sticks and a bow. He cooked us dinner- taking about an hour to prepare it for all of us. He is filled with pride and self-confidence. He has been restored. His Light has been uncovered…and he is shining.
Tuesday night we all slept around the fire- no tents. Shortly after we fell asleep we were visited by havalinas- small wild pigs. They we're snorting through some of our gear. My two men slept through the visitation, but I huddled into my sleeping bag- both frightened and curious to watch them move through the firelight. They were quietly grunting. I waited for them to leave, waited another period of time and then built the fire up to keep other animals away. I did not sleep much that night. I did get to see 6 shooting stars though. When husband and son awoke they laughed because I had used all of the fire wood keeping it bright.
Wednesday we cooked lentils with nuts and dry fruit and then hiked. The hiking was tough, but again the views that we had, in panorama, were incredible. I lost footing on a steep slope and fell, sliding about 10 feet down, pulling my shoulder as I tried to grab onto a passing rock. Needless to say my pectorals on that side reminded me that was not a good idea. When we got back to camp my head was aching. I assumed it was because of the fall. I frequently have headaches from neck/shoulder spasm. My son thought I might be dehydrated, so I began drinking more water- and feeling queasy. After an hour or so of this I started vomiting- all that water I'd been forcing came back up. Luckily it was just liquid because in the camp everything is "no trace" meaning no traces that you've been there. I would have had to dig a hole and bury any solids…which began soon after the vomiting. As my son called it "Double D's"- vomiting and diarrhea- well I was digging holes all over the place. The nice thing was how well my son took care of my needs and made sure that I was taken care of. He disappeared when his siblings were helping me through cancer surgery recovery, this was his opportunity to offer assistance and kindness.
Thursday morning we packed up, hiked about a mile up a dry creek bed and had a ceremony at dawn. Fortunately, one of our "ghost walkers" came down to help me carry my pack because I was still losing it from both ends. I was a bit dizzy by the time we got to the top of the hill. We had beautiful ceremony within a ring of stones. Everyone had the opportunity to "make a speaking from the heart". It was wonderful to hear how each of us had grown through this past 7 weeks.
My son said that what made the first change in his heart was when I claimed my own role in our dysfunction. He told me that by sharing that we all had a part in the dynamics, he felt relieved of the "black sheep" role and was able to accept and offer forgiveness. It is a beautiful thing to know you've had a change of heart and also that you've influenced another.
I will continue this tomorrow.
There is so much to tell.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am back in the East. I already miss the desert, it was a sacred place. On Tuesday we arrived at the office and they prepared us for the reunion with our son. They explained that sometimes there is an awkwardness in the initial moments- the young walkers don't trust that their parents have changed, or can't accept their love. We had a 4 hour trip from Phoenix to the campsite, it was magnificently beautiful. The terrain changed as we traveled north to a less desert, more brushy, wooded type landscape. It was beautiful where-ever we looked. It is so unpopulated once you leave the city behind.
After we arrived we had about half an hour to wait until the brought our son to the camp. I could barely control my emotions. Finally I heard voices, Husband had been wandering and found them as they hiked down into camp, so he was at his side. The sight of him was that rush of happiness and relief that you feel after a long labor and the baby is finally birthed. The embrace was long and hard and heart-felt. We were all embracing and crying. It is a beautiful memory now. Our son was so excited, beside himself. He did not stop talking and storytelling until bedtime Tuesday night. He showed us how to make fire with sticks and a bow. He cooked us dinner- taking about an hour to prepare it for all of us. He is filled with pride and self-confidence. He has been restored. His Light has been uncovered…and he is shining.
Tuesday night we all slept around the fire- no tents. Shortly after we fell asleep we were visited by havalinas- small wild pigs. They we're snorting through some of our gear. My two men slept through the visitation, but I huddled into my sleeping bag- both frightened and curious to watch them move through the firelight. They were quietly grunting. I waited for them to leave, waited another period of time and then built the fire up to keep other animals away. I did not sleep much that night. I did get to see 6 shooting stars though. When husband and son awoke they laughed because I had used all of the fire wood keeping it bright.
Wednesday we cooked lentils with nuts and dry fruit and then hiked. The hiking was tough, but again the views that we had, in panorama, were incredible. I lost footing on a steep slope and fell, sliding about 10 feet down, pulling my shoulder as I tried to grab onto a passing rock. Needless to say my pectorals on that side reminded me that was not a good idea. When we got back to camp my head was aching. I assumed it was because of the fall. I frequently have headaches from neck/shoulder spasm. My son thought I might be dehydrated, so I began drinking more water- and feeling queasy. After an hour or so of this I started vomiting- all that water I'd been forcing came back up. Luckily it was just liquid because in the camp everything is "no trace" meaning no traces that you've been there. I would have had to dig a hole and bury any solids…which began soon after the vomiting. As my son called it "Double D's"- vomiting and diarrhea- well I was digging holes all over the place. The nice thing was how well my son took care of my needs and made sure that I was taken care of. He disappeared when his siblings were helping me through cancer surgery recovery, this was his opportunity to offer assistance and kindness.
Thursday morning we packed up, hiked about a mile up a dry creek bed and had a ceremony at dawn. Fortunately, one of our "ghost walkers" came down to help me carry my pack because I was still losing it from both ends. I was a bit dizzy by the time we got to the top of the hill. We had beautiful ceremony within a ring of stones. Everyone had the opportunity to "make a speaking from the heart". It was wonderful to hear how each of us had grown through this past 7 weeks.
My son said that what made the first change in his heart was when I claimed my own role in our dysfunction. He told me that by sharing that we all had a part in the dynamics, he felt relieved of the "black sheep" role and was able to accept and offer forgiveness. It is a beautiful thing to know you've had a change of heart and also that you've influenced another.
I will continue this tomorrow.
There is so much to tell.
Love and Light,
Maggie
old lady
So, my high school reunion was this weekend. I have the same feelings about going to those as I do about family reunions - with much less drama. If I had kept in touch with anyone at all, except by social media, maybe I would feel differently. This is one instance where I like electronic communication. I often cite an incident where my youngest and I were in a restaurant watching a couple have dinner. They never spoke. They only interacted with their phones. I suppose it is possible that they were texting each other, but somehow I don't think they were. It seems we have forgotten how to be vulnerable, available, present. Interacting with a piece of electronic equipment between us seems so much safer. Although I usually complain, with high school classmates, I like the distance.
I posted my high school senior picture. I was so young. I still feel like that young woman, but then I took a couple "selfies"...and maybe we should blame the photographer or the technique, but I look awful. Saggy - like gravity has won the war! I never should have looked at my young self!
I have been sort of stuck in the past this weekend. I have been thinking about high school. But I also had my grandson overnight. When I put him to bed, we read a book I used to read to his daddy and uncles and aunts. I recited a short poem his daddy used to say every night..."I see the moon and the moon sees me. Good bless the moon and God bless me!" And I was lost in the past when my kids were babies...
It's bittersweet.
I am feeling like an old woman today. I read Jan Brett's The White Mitten and associated with the grandmother...
But I have managed to rise above it and pick potatoes and crabapples, and plant garlic and wash all the bed linens and get them out on the line in the glorious sunshine. Tonight I will sleep on sun!!
I hope you made it home safely. I missed you!
Clare
I posted my high school senior picture. I was so young. I still feel like that young woman, but then I took a couple "selfies"...and maybe we should blame the photographer or the technique, but I look awful. Saggy - like gravity has won the war! I never should have looked at my young self!
I have been sort of stuck in the past this weekend. I have been thinking about high school. But I also had my grandson overnight. When I put him to bed, we read a book I used to read to his daddy and uncles and aunts. I recited a short poem his daddy used to say every night..."I see the moon and the moon sees me. Good bless the moon and God bless me!" And I was lost in the past when my kids were babies...
It's bittersweet.
I am feeling like an old woman today. I read Jan Brett's The White Mitten and associated with the grandmother...
But I have managed to rise above it and pick potatoes and crabapples, and plant garlic and wash all the bed linens and get them out on the line in the glorious sunshine. Tonight I will sleep on sun!!
I hope you made it home safely. I missed you!
Clare
Friday, September 5, 2014
broken bones
Hi Honey,
I think you should be on your way home. I really want to hear about your experiences and how the boy is doing. And I know it will be hard to leave him behind at S#5's, so if you need me, call...or meet me here.
I have been doing some work on the violence course. So far they have been reviewing a lot of what we have discussed here. There was a video with an ER doc who deals with unnecessary violence every day. I didn't know that there were so many suicides - twice as many as homicides.
We are certainly in pain. Many of us are in so much pain we can't stand to stay here and live...
I also read a UN paper - a declaration against violence against women. Some of it was stirring, but mostly I feel like it is just words. I was happy to see that violence against women is being recognized on many levels, but I don't have much hope in the system fixing it...
We are having a bit of a drama here. The baby stepped on a toy and slipped on a linoleum floor yesterday and broke the bottom of her tibia. She and her mama are at the hospital now, waiting to see if the orthopedist can put her in a cast now, or if we will have to go back tomorrow and just have it wrapped for tonight.
I am remembering others who broke bones as babies. I have a strong feeling that we have to stop feeding her sugar and flour. I think her mama has joint problems because of this - this acidification of her body. I have a friend with Celiac's disease and they found it because her bones were crumbling. This modern wheat is just not healthy.
And so this is our life today...
I wait to hear about yours...
With love from Clare
I think you should be on your way home. I really want to hear about your experiences and how the boy is doing. And I know it will be hard to leave him behind at S#5's, so if you need me, call...or meet me here.
I have been doing some work on the violence course. So far they have been reviewing a lot of what we have discussed here. There was a video with an ER doc who deals with unnecessary violence every day. I didn't know that there were so many suicides - twice as many as homicides.
We are certainly in pain. Many of us are in so much pain we can't stand to stay here and live...
I also read a UN paper - a declaration against violence against women. Some of it was stirring, but mostly I feel like it is just words. I was happy to see that violence against women is being recognized on many levels, but I don't have much hope in the system fixing it...
We are having a bit of a drama here. The baby stepped on a toy and slipped on a linoleum floor yesterday and broke the bottom of her tibia. She and her mama are at the hospital now, waiting to see if the orthopedist can put her in a cast now, or if we will have to go back tomorrow and just have it wrapped for tonight.
I am remembering others who broke bones as babies. I have a strong feeling that we have to stop feeding her sugar and flour. I think her mama has joint problems because of this - this acidification of her body. I have a friend with Celiac's disease and they found it because her bones were crumbling. This modern wheat is just not healthy.
And so this is our life today...
I wait to hear about yours...
With love from Clare
Thursday, September 4, 2014
understanding violence
Hello Missing Sister Who Will Read This When You Return,
My neighbor visited last night, but instead of reading the cards, she taught me a new card game. That was relaxing!
S#3 called and asked me if I would like to attend S#4's 50th birthday party with her next month. She said you and S#5 and her husband would all be there. I haven't committed, but I think I will. I am having a little of the family avoidance reaction, but I'm recognizing it and feeling it, and it's not as bad as usual. I'm not sure if I'm getting healthier, or if it's because it will be just the girls...
It is hard to imagine she will be 50. It's hard to imagine I am over 50 sometimes.
I have been asked to join a community group that addresses local food issues as well as community health issues, including exercise opportunities. I think I will try it out. I am looking forward to meeting some new people. And I do care about food issues - hunger and nutrition and local foods.
And I just started a new course through Coursera. I was really looking forward to it, but I feel a bit of trepidation. The name of the course is Understanding Violence. There was an initial video warning us that we may react strongly to some of the course material, especially if we have ever experienced violence. They recommend we skip those sections.
I started reading the first abstract and already I am overwhelmed. They are defining violence as coming from humans. It reminded me of AVP work, trying to identify and define violence. It is very difficlt.
And the list of possible types of violence, levels of violence - it is a long list. And...I don't know. I think I will be able to handle this, but I think it will be intense. I think a lot of my upcoming thoughts will center around this issue. And so I am going to go continue reading, then thinking about this subject.
I hope you are thriving in the desert. I think of you often.
Love from Clare
My neighbor visited last night, but instead of reading the cards, she taught me a new card game. That was relaxing!
S#3 called and asked me if I would like to attend S#4's 50th birthday party with her next month. She said you and S#5 and her husband would all be there. I haven't committed, but I think I will. I am having a little of the family avoidance reaction, but I'm recognizing it and feeling it, and it's not as bad as usual. I'm not sure if I'm getting healthier, or if it's because it will be just the girls...
It is hard to imagine she will be 50. It's hard to imagine I am over 50 sometimes.
I have been asked to join a community group that addresses local food issues as well as community health issues, including exercise opportunities. I think I will try it out. I am looking forward to meeting some new people. And I do care about food issues - hunger and nutrition and local foods.
And I just started a new course through Coursera. I was really looking forward to it, but I feel a bit of trepidation. The name of the course is Understanding Violence. There was an initial video warning us that we may react strongly to some of the course material, especially if we have ever experienced violence. They recommend we skip those sections.
I started reading the first abstract and already I am overwhelmed. They are defining violence as coming from humans. It reminded me of AVP work, trying to identify and define violence. It is very difficlt.
And the list of possible types of violence, levels of violence - it is a long list. And...I don't know. I think I will be able to handle this, but I think it will be intense. I think a lot of my upcoming thoughts will center around this issue. And so I am going to go continue reading, then thinking about this subject.
I hope you are thriving in the desert. I think of you often.
Love from Clare
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
running dream
Hey Maggie,
I had an interesting dream last night. I'm sharing it here in hopes that you have some insight to share. You often catch things I miss.
I dreamed I was reading a book about Roman history. I was reading about people who ran races. And then I was talking to this man with long dark hair pulled back in a pony tail.
His name was Patronus. I looked the word up and found it mean defender or protector.
I noted that he was the second person I had read about in the book, he smiled and agreed. And then he hugged me. We were leaning on each other, supporting each other. He were just there, no time, it just continued. I felt very safe and protected. A women with dark hair walked between us, and we separated, but then went back into the hug.
Then we were running, then I was running. I was running on a specific road near my house. My feet were barely touching the ground. I felt like I was soaring. It felt so good to move.
And I woke up - I think because of the alarm clock.
This is the first running dream I have had since before I broke my wrist. maybe it's time...
I wonder if you are in the desert yet. Sending love...
Clare
I had an interesting dream last night. I'm sharing it here in hopes that you have some insight to share. You often catch things I miss.
I dreamed I was reading a book about Roman history. I was reading about people who ran races. And then I was talking to this man with long dark hair pulled back in a pony tail.
His name was Patronus. I looked the word up and found it mean defender or protector.
I noted that he was the second person I had read about in the book, he smiled and agreed. And then he hugged me. We were leaning on each other, supporting each other. He were just there, no time, it just continued. I felt very safe and protected. A women with dark hair walked between us, and we separated, but then went back into the hug.
Then we were running, then I was running. I was running on a specific road near my house. My feet were barely touching the ground. I felt like I was soaring. It felt so good to move.
And I woke up - I think because of the alarm clock.
This is the first running dream I have had since before I broke my wrist. maybe it's time...
I wonder if you are in the desert yet. Sending love...
Clare
Monday, September 1, 2014
naked
Hi Honey,
You are most likely on your way to Sedona. I wish you safe travels. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. I am holding you and your kids in the Light.
I think, for you, music and singing are a spiritual practice. It's good that you are getting these messages, and noticing these messages. Keep singing, keep channeling music. I think this all started when you noted the unfinished song about your older son. Write the rest of it!
While I was visiting the kids, my daughter-in-law asked me if I wanted to go to a women's night at the local hot springs. It was a nude event...all my Catholic shit fired up. I sent you and email asking your advice, and you told me to "Go for it."
I went for it.
It was hard. But I undressed, wrapped in a towel, walked to the hot springs, dropped the towel - well, I hung it up, and walked into the water. I simply turned my mind off.
I noticed other women's bodies, but didn't really pay much attention. I can't explain it exactly. I wasn't really interested in anyone else's perfection or lack of. I feel like I'm digging myself in deeper. Maybe, if I didn't judge, didn't notice - I was hoping no one would judge me.
But I was fighting the shame. S'ter was in my ear, appalled. And I do feel shame. I had a friend once, who went water skiing nude on a river. I thought then that some of us are free-spirits, and some of us are simply modest. Now I think maybe some of us are simply nuts - he hurt certain body parts when he wiped out at the end of the ride, and the rest of us are ashamed.
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself." How many times have we heard that? Too many to count!
So I faced my shame as I got out of the water, and climbed in a pool, as I walked to the steam room.
I did feel a little betrayed when I saw the few women in my age/weight class wore swimsuits. But I faced my demons.
I did it.
I have days when I am starting to feel old, I'm starting to associate with the crone. But maybe I can step back a bit, especially if I keep challenging myself...
Have a wonderful week. Know I love you.
Clare
You are most likely on your way to Sedona. I wish you safe travels. I look forward to hearing about your experiences. I am holding you and your kids in the Light.
I think, for you, music and singing are a spiritual practice. It's good that you are getting these messages, and noticing these messages. Keep singing, keep channeling music. I think this all started when you noted the unfinished song about your older son. Write the rest of it!
While I was visiting the kids, my daughter-in-law asked me if I wanted to go to a women's night at the local hot springs. It was a nude event...all my Catholic shit fired up. I sent you and email asking your advice, and you told me to "Go for it."
I went for it.
It was hard. But I undressed, wrapped in a towel, walked to the hot springs, dropped the towel - well, I hung it up, and walked into the water. I simply turned my mind off.
I noticed other women's bodies, but didn't really pay much attention. I can't explain it exactly. I wasn't really interested in anyone else's perfection or lack of. I feel like I'm digging myself in deeper. Maybe, if I didn't judge, didn't notice - I was hoping no one would judge me.
But I was fighting the shame. S'ter was in my ear, appalled. And I do feel shame. I had a friend once, who went water skiing nude on a river. I thought then that some of us are free-spirits, and some of us are simply modest. Now I think maybe some of us are simply nuts - he hurt certain body parts when he wiped out at the end of the ride, and the rest of us are ashamed.
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself." How many times have we heard that? Too many to count!
So I faced my shame as I got out of the water, and climbed in a pool, as I walked to the steam room.
I did feel a little betrayed when I saw the few women in my age/weight class wore swimsuits. But I faced my demons.
I did it.
I have days when I am starting to feel old, I'm starting to associate with the crone. But maybe I can step back a bit, especially if I keep challenging myself...
Have a wonderful week. Know I love you.
Clare
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