Quick post

I am trying to be patient...and know that I will wait for a good opportunity...
I told a friend that I will accept a lower salary for meaningful work...it's inversely proportional.

My son is doing better, but he has no desire to drive.
His car will be repaired by mid-June, hopefully he will be ready by then.
I'd like him to get a job this summer...so driving would be nice, especially since we live in a small town with little opportunity.

We are at ball games nightly...it is a good outlet, but I will be glad to have a break from the same crowd this weekend. I am looking forward to our visit. It will be good to just hang out and catch up in person.

My brain is fried...I will check in tomorrow.

Love and Light,
Maggie

stillness

didn't cry.  didn't sleep either.

if it were anyone else who graduated, and was looking for their next step in a relaxing manner, after years of double or triple duty in life, what would you tell them?  i know you.  i know you would say something kind.  so, please, be that kind to yourself.  you are doing something.  you're percolating.  really!!

i think craniosacral therapy and reiki might be similar.  both are hands on, but with gentle touch.  both are intuitive and energetic.  there are some reiki masters in my region. i know of at least one that teaches.  shall i look for contact information for you?   (short notice, but there is a training in lilydale next weekend, june 7 - 9.)

sometimes what seems like stagnance is really stillness.  imagine early morning, misty gold stillness.  it is a treasure.

i am working long days, for which i am grateful, but i am also tired.  i am looking forward to getting this cast off, but a little part of me is nervous about leaving my wrist unguarded, or unprotective.

it's strangely quiet here, also.  i am still waiting for my little dog to depart, which feels a little gruesome.  i just know she has to be close.  she has so little energy.  my bird did die, which made me sad.  but he was older, too.

not much else...i wonder if this is the calm before the storm!

love you,

clare

how is your son?  is he getting past the accident?

Spring days...exhausting.

Cry if you feel like it.

I have been emotional lately...
but feel as if I should "buck up"...
I guess I feel as if everything should be great now...
no classes, no assignments, more freedom, many possibilities...
but I feel as if I am floating above life...
doing mindless work to pass time until I step into my new role...
not knowing what that role will be...

Sister#3 has talked about "zero energy balance" treatments that she has received, is it the same idea?
I have been fascinated with Reiki for a while, and would love to learn the art, I ask people if they know a master who teaches when I hear them speak about it. So far I have not gotten a legitimate referral.
Some day, when the right teacher is available, I will find them.

I spent my day walking, mulching, and then at my youngest's baseball game. He is playing for 2 teams so he has a game almost nightly. I love being outside and just relaxing, but it is a lot of running around.
Tomorrow I am meeting with my research advisor...I need to get direction about my study. I feel as if the results are worth reporting, no one has described this association before, but she just keeps avoiding the question. If I don't get satisfaction tomorrow I may ask someone else to look over my research. I have been working on this brainstorm/idea for almost a year and I feel as if it is time to "birth" this project.

I haven't been able to reach deeply inward recently...
I think it is a reprieve, but at the same time it feels stagnant.
I will take your advice and seek patience.

Love and Light,
Maggie

patience

oh good...i really hesitated before mentioning sisters weekends.  i wasn't looking for apologies.  i was so happy that you simply adopted the perspective.  there's a good chance that i would not have come to he weekends.  i never had the money or freedom, with my ex only home on weekends.  and i was invited to spend a weekend listening to bible based women speakers once.  but i could never go to something like that.  having the chance to say no, i can't go, and feeling sad is different than feeling forgotten, though.

it all sort of takes me back to always feeling alone in our family.  everyone else had a friend/companion/bunk mate except me, and being the oldest forced me into a position of responsibility which further isolated me.  i think we each have this feeling of having nowhere to belong.  it's sort of comfortable being separated and isolated, which is hard to be at peace with when i also desire connection.

way will open and i will point out my ex's behaviors.  he will listen...and try to change.  he doesn't want to be mean.  my youngest does react strongly.  she wants a daddy, even though this need will never be met.  her inner little girl will never have a daddy.  she will only have me...they both have to grow up.  he wasn't great with any of them when they were in their late teens/early 20's.

i had a cranio-sacral appointment yesterday.  it was a christmas gift from my oldest son and his wife.  i went to a therapist who has a good reputation, and i have long wanted to go to her.  she ended up doing energy work.  i felt a great weight lift off my heart, and leave through my ear...strange.  she worked on my hand/wrist, too.  she said she would be willing to trade some sessions for herbal advice. 

she said i would be emotional for a few days.  i do feel over-sensitive, and like i want to cry...

so maybe i'll just go do that.

i love you...we're really looking forward to seeing you!!

clare

Parallels

I did not think of the situation from your perspective...and yes, sisters' weekend we did not include you. I think the assumption was that you wouldn't come even if you were invited. I am sorry. I let my girls read the email and asked their opinion about going to the family gathering. My oldest said, "do it for your mom, no one else". I am sure that she is wiser than I am, but I have to think about it.

This is the last week of school for the boys.. I will be glad to have a break from the schedule and early awakenings...fighting to get them to school on time...to do homework...etc.
We all need a break this time of year.

You probably could make a positive difference pointing out the use of comparisons between children and how hurtful it can be. He will see the connection and will respond. I think we tend to repeat behaviors of our parents when we aren't thinking. Give him a chance to see the parallels and allow him to change his behaviors. Your youngest has also reacted to her dad's comments  quite strongly in the past, she may be over analyzing  or sensitive to him because of their past encounters. Maybe they need to talk it out.

One of the first lessons in A Course in Miracles is that we see things as we do because of our past experiences, nothing is truly seen as it really is because of our "lens".
So for today I will try to appreciate the parallels in these 2 lessons...each of us reacts to triggers based on our history.

This weekend has been quite tiring, I am going to curl up with a book and my cat and relax the rest of this evening away.

I love you,
Maggie

faithful

well, you can't get rid of me!

i am so glad your son is okay.  this was an important lesson.  now he understands the huge responsibility of driving.  it's fun, it's free, but you have the capacity for great damage.  i know i can't sleep after something like this happens.  i see it over and over everytime i close my eyes.  i still get nauseous, just for a moment, when the sirens go off .  i have not completely released my emotions from my son's accident.  as a parent, letting a child go is so, so difficult.

and i have felt what you are feeling - left out of the family.  often it's not done  purposely.  but i am usually not invited to family functions, either.  i wonder why we don't think about it, why we are not attached.  but think about the sister gatherings - there was never any intention to hurt me. 

my youngest son is dating someone from an extremely attached family.  i have long admired them.  maybe that's why she's come to us.  i haven't met her, yet - he's not ready to bring her home to mama.  but i know some of her extended family.  i am hoping my kids will bond like that.  somedays i have hope...

...then the sniping begins.

my ex, unexpectedly to me, was here yesterday.  we are like old friends now.  it's pretty comfortable, although i am happy with very sporadic contact.  but he started in on our youngest not having it together like our oldest.  he doesn't do it in front of me - i get the hurt reports.  i want to smack him sometimes, make him just stop talking.  he has forgotten how much his parents hurt him by comparing him to his brother.  he used to make hurt comments, referring to his brother as the favorite.  now he's doing it to his children.  when way opens, i'll get in his face - just a little!

when i read the rumi, i had a vision of the force of my sorrow uprooting the sources of pain. then tears washing it away.  i was passive, ready to allow the process - trusting the process.  you are taking control, deciding what to prune. 

somehow, when i read that passage, i feel soft and vulnerable.  i feel open and ready...i feel faith.

hope my brother-in-law is breathing better today!

love to you all...

clare

Time to prune

I do believe that it is necessary to empty the hurts and past things that tie us down to make room for new joyful experiences. I think of detachment and how Buddhists believe that we should not attach ourselves to anything...real or imagined. I have trouble with that principle though because I do attach myself to my children...I guess I cannot cling.

Yesterday was an interesting experience...it was a roller-coaster ride, to say the least. Baseball was fun, the boys couldn't do anything right, and it was blustery, but they stayed in the game, for the most part. Husband was coaching...one of the boys asked to be taken out of the game after a particularly poor defensive inning and he said..."So that's it? You want to quit!" and went on to give them an academy award winning motivational speech....luckily the umpire got them moving because his lectures can be quite long. I didn't know it but he had been hit by a line drive to his right ribs/flank before the game and came home quite gimpy.

After the game I took daughter #1 car shopping. Son #1 has his license so he is going to take the old Jeep that she's been driving and she will get a newer one. We chose one, but because husband was at home trying to breath we put a deposit on it and will return to pick it up and sign all of the paper work. So we came home and son #1 was SO EXCITED that he has a car to drive. He took his sister to a graduation party and agreed to pick her up because she wanted a few beers. On his way to pick her up he swiped a telephone pole and damaged the entire length of the car on the passenger side. You can imagine how his happiness turned quickly to sadness. He was unhurt except for a small cut on his elbow, which is lucky because his passenger front window imploded into the car. Now he is afraid to drive. He was so excited to drive to school this week and now the car will be in the body shop.

I did not sleep well last night.

So, we have to take the good with the bad...and things can change in an instant. I am thankful for the resilience and resources to get through the unexpected. I hope that I never get complacent and fail to be grateful for the good times, the joyful times because all too easily they can turn into sorrow.

So did you read Mom's email today?
I have been seriously considering all that you said about attending the birthday party...and just being present to whatever happens. But today's email smacked me back to reality.

Brothers #2 & 4 and Sister #3 and their families are barbecuing together...less that an hour from my house and I was not invited. I haven't been invited to anything in this part of the state in over a year and I am getting the message loud and clear. Not one comment on my graduation...not one email or text...not even a Facebook "like". I think I am checking out of this family and detaching myself from those ropes that are tying me down. I can move ahead in my life without revisiting and picking open those scabs any more. I am letting those yellow leave fall to make room for the green, cutting the roots and pruning to allow growth and health.

Thanks for holding onto me,
Maggie

perspective

Sorrow prepares you for joy. 

It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. 

It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. 

It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. 

Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.

 -rumi





i see the logic of your words.  i understand and agree.  but for some reason i have not broken through to that emotional, experiential place of understanding and acceptance.  or maybe i haven't gone deep enough.

everytime i reach one of those places of self-acceptance and joy, i seem to glory there for a short while.  then the universe sends me a new teacher - someone who pushes me into a new place, and i am seeing another layer of fear, another aspect of self-loathing - something inside i never noted before.

i think maybe i am complaining and exploring and talking my way into a new life.  you are my sounding board, and also the reason i show up every day.  i am doing the work because i am not alone.  but i'm psychologically kicking and screaming the whole way!

i think maybe i go back to my bad moments because i don't want to forget.  i don't want to be part of the family pattern that conveniently lets the bad slip away - only maintaining the facade of loving health.  think about how many memories you needed to have returned to you, or corroborated.  what we have forgotten - never happened.  i want to model taking responsibility for bad behavior, for being truly sorry, for letting people i hurt know i would do it different if i had a chance, and that i am different now.  i have become softer, more loving, patient, more serene - more whole.

i keep going back to something you wrote about cycling.  we continue to return to the same issues, but we see it from a different perspective each time.  i think what i am doing now proves that is true.

how were the baseball games?  we'll be going to a softball game this afternoon.  my youngest son plays on a community league.  my middle son played until last year, but i think the realities of home ownership and parenthood have reared their exciting head!!

love to you...see you soon!!!

clare

(i think i get to the brink, look over the edge and throw up...fear of falling!!!)

...yanking yourself back from the brink...

We do the best that we can...under specific circumstances.
We can't go back...
but if continue to dwell on those faults then we are missing the present...
which, in reality is the only thing that truly exists.
I don't think that assigning blame is necessary...
we are the product of our environment...
ours just happened to be toxic in many ways.
I remember something the Caroline Myss wrote or said,
"...the more weight you carry the longer you will have to wait."
She was talking about spiritual burdens and enlightenment
and I still pause to think about the meaning of those words.

I read something about human connection, love...
it said that there are multiple aspects of true love, one of which is deep listening and being fully present to others. It explained that we go through life looking superficially and judging based upon our past experiences, without deeply seeing the person we are so easily judging. It suggested to approach people the way that a mother approaches her crying child. She listens to the nature of the cry, looks carefully at the child, holds them in her arms and scans their whole being to understand the reason for the cry. Quite rapidly she is able to understand and respond appropriately, calming and tending to the baby's need. Just her presence and attention already begin to calm the child. This book suggests approaching first our loved ones in this manner and then when we are more comfortable extending it to friends and extended family and gradually to all. The book was written by a Buddhist monk.

So, when are you going to forgive and love yourself? You hold so much anger against yourself that it tethers you and keeps you floundering. You go through cycles of self love and discovery and then self-loathing and abuse. Perhaps you are frightened by the discovery and you use the berating as a  "flagellation", like some priests do when the are tempted by human desire (I am not sure that they still do that in 2013).  I wonder if you are on the verge of your nobility when you yank yourself back from the brink of discovery?

I spent my morning at baseball, and afternoon mulching and mowing...my body wants to find horizontal and just lie still, but the kids are out and need to be picked up.

Until tomorrow,
Maggie

whose fault?

still thinking about what we mean to each other - both personally and generally.  i think it was in my mind all night long.

i thought about hermits - people who live alone without reflection from anyone else.  what do they think?  what do they think of themselves?  i have taken this on to a small extent - since i got rid of my car.  i can spend days with no human contact.  i can be incredibly silent for long periods of time...then, just for my own entertainment, i can sing loud.  but, what do i think of myself?  mostly i don't.

it is in the presence of other humans that i become self aware.  i become self-conscious.  and truthfully, it is in the presence of humans that i feel judged and judge myself more harshly than anyone else would.  it is in the presence of humans that i become fearful.  i am aware that i am unworthy....even though that's my truth, not a universal truth.

where did we get this cultural belief that we need to put kids in their place, teach them that they are lesser, teach them to be seen and not heard - that their role is simply to make us look good - to be accessories to our successful life...

we can be beaten and burned and raped and scapegoated in private, as long as we keep quiet, smile, and gaze adoringly at our parents in public.  and good students grow up to do the same with their spouse.

i knew, i knew when i yelled at my kids that it was a formula for crazy...the were forced to depend on their abuser for everything, they had to reformat their brains to find a way to interpret me and my horrible outbursts as love.  and to make it better/worse (not sure)  most of the time i was the good, nurturing mom. 

i don't know...i don't know...more and more thoughts...

the haudenosaunee people teach that every species has its duty.  our duty is to celebrate.  finding the beauty of this planet - easy.  remembering to celebrate - not so easy, but doable.  but maybe, just maybe, we are also supposed to celebrate each other. 

i think we could heal the world by seeing each other, listening to each other, complimenting each other, celebrating each other.  i have found that the best gifts i can offer are listening to others, and stability.  i am always here.  i am always as gracious and calm and open as i can be.  i am trying.

but i still don't feel worthy of the other side.  i still suffer in silence, afraid to share, afraid to be a burden..."you damn kids, it's all your fault, all your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault".....i am trying so hard not to be resented by anyone else...

enough for now.  if all goes well, i will get some seeds in the garden today.

love you, enjoy your day...

clare

swirling thoughts

i think i have also heard that dad enlisted before he was old enough...and he was 19 when he was shot.  i do think that his criticism of our intelligence stems from the messages he received.  he felt stupid and so we are all stupid.  and i think because he couldn't berate mom, he took it out on us.

there was a noose in that attic...maybe someone did die there.  and the house was haunted and the graveyard was spooky.  i used to race to my room and huddle on the bed until i was calm enough to lie down, and eventually sleep.  maybe that is why i read so much - escaping my thoughts!

i had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  i am healing well.  the cast comes off june 6.

your second post set off a lot of thoughts.  i don't know if i will be able to find words...but i'll try.

your words triggered an old, often heard message:  who do you think you are?  the unspoken message is - you're not as good as you think you are.  this statement is meant to take our pride, to keep us from feeling too good about ourselves, to keep us in our place.  why is pride a deadly sin?

so why are we most comfortable feeling bad about ourselves?  i know i am.  there's a comfort in beating myself up. 

what are my noble aspects?

maybe we need others to tell us...

maybe if no one looks at us, truly sees us, we can't know what our gifts are.  so when we spend our early years being ignored, or worse, abused, we never know, we never believe.  if those who produce and protect us think we are not worth much, that becomes our truth.

how do we find our noble self?  does it shine through in ways we don't notice?  can we find it when it is over 50 years deep in our psyche?

i know i will continue thinking about this...love you,

clare

Nobility...inner wisdom

I was given a chapter from a book by Jack Kornfield called The Wise Heart by a good friend. We were talking about limbic resonance so he gave me this reading. I found other aspects more interesting and very much in-tune with our conversation.

He wrote about our hidden nature...the true self that we hide in order to survive the traumas of life....
covering our innate nobility 
is how he phrases it.
He goes on to explain that nobility comes from the root gno (as in gnosis) meaning inner wisdom and/or illumination.
He explains that most people easily allow their fears and thoughts to define them...and that we  resist the noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than they hide the dark sides...it is more disrupting to find that you have a profound nobility of character than to find out you are a bum. 
He goes on to say that...
Our belief in a limited and impoverished identity is such a strong habit that without it  we are afraid we wouldn't know how to be. If we fully acknowledged our dignity, it could lead to radical life changes...

Every time I read passages that resonate with my issues I am reassured that I am not alone, or abnormal, and probably following a very human path. I do wonder what people who have had "normal" healthy childhood experiences struggle with. We all struggle. I will have to remember to ask the first person that I meet who has had a perfect early life.

So we all protect our inner most life...we protect and isolate the very center of who we are...from the "other"...and yet, in reality we are one collective soul or consciousness having this human experience. We expend enormous amounts of energy creating this separation and disconnect...long for connection...but fail to realize that we are still, and always have been part of the whole. What silly creatures we really are. But we continue the illusion because we are so ego driven that we cannot bear to give up our "identity" which is really the illusion.

So how do I, or we, come to acknowledge our true self?
I keep coming to the word vulnerability...we allow ourselves to be seen and known.
Simple, but not easy.

My brain is circling around this idea...I think I stop here and sleep on it.

Love and Light,
Maggie

More questions

Those stories are heartbreaking...and have parallels in my life.
I remember lying in bed crying at night and not being reassured or comforted.
I remember being terrified, especially in the house on center street...believing that people had died up in the attic...and the graveyard next door was haunted...and I spent time in dark closets when Mom and Dad were away...I was too terrified to say anything because Dad would overreact to almost anything.
Did he lie and join the army before 18? I thought I remembered that being said before. Also how old was he when he was shot? 19?

I remember him returning from Viet Nam.
I saw a different car in the alley by our house and knew he was back...and I was scared.
I know people who rejoice when their family returns...
but I remember being so afraid that I wanted to hide.
I see the images of people rushing into each others arms and wonder how true those feelings are...
sure there's relief of their safe return...but they will have to learn to live with each other again...and there will be some very big differences in all concerned.

I remember once correcting him about the rotation of the moon...
he reacted so strongly, negatively to my comment...
accusing me of trying to make him look stupid for my own benefit...
I really think it was just an interesting point that I shared.
But, if he really was made to feel inferior, then that reaction makes sense.

I wonder how he felt about Mom's natural intelligence and her siblings being so smart/educated. Do you think that's why he controlled her for so long? I always wondered why she let him control her to the extent that she did.

So we have baseball every evening this week, except Friday...
I will check in tomorrow...
I love you...
Maggie

dad

ben and jerry's once in awhile - indulgence.  enjoy it, savor it - even if you eat two whole cups.  every day - you got a problem!  i watched a film once where the main character is told she is going to die.  she talked about the things she should have done, and should have eaten.  remember to savor...my favorite is chunky monkey!!

my biggest problem today is that there is no one here to tie my shoes.  i want to go for a walk...oh well.  life could be worse.

what do i remember about dad?  when i try to remember the stories mom and pop told, they seemed to be about their oldest son and second daughter...i remember the story that when grandma's mother died, her siblings came and moved the whole family into the family home so someone could take care of her father.  they both said they were very happy on the farm, and both resented being forced to move - even into their old age.  when great-grandpa died, our dad was about 6 years old.  he got moved into his grandpa's room, and into his grandpa's bed.  grandpa came back every night and tried to force the little boy to leave his bed.  his parents did not coddle nor listen to him.  he was forced to stay there alone in the dark with his terror.

sweeter stories involved dad remembering walking the oil leases on the backs of pop's snowshoes.

dad had either scarlet fever or rheumatic fever at some point - maybe late elementary school.  he ended up missing a year, and so he was older than his classmates.  i have the impression he thought, or was told, he was stupid.  he never seemed to tell a story about liking school.  he told stories of pushing apples in the janitor's tail pipe, so they could hear him swear in swedish when he started his car.  he quit school as soon as he could, and enlisted in the army.

i know he had at least one other girlfriend, someone named priscilla.  family lore says he wanted that to be my name. mom said no.  the other story is that is was supposed to be a boy, and they didn't consider girls' names until the last few days.

mom  met aunt mj when they were in high school, and they became close friends.  and her family shared a duplex next to b & h.  someone in the family encouraged mom and dad to write to each other - he was stationed somewhere far away.  mom was in nursing school at this point.

he did serve in the korean war when he was 19.  he was shot, you can still see the scars - in the front, out the back - where i think it was removed.  debbie reynolds visited the wounded soldiers, so he briefly met her - but he always thought suzanne pleshette was hotter.  there was another adventure - he was an extra in a war film when he was stationed in germany.  i saw the film, and near the end there is a group of soldiers in the distance standing by the woods.  he is one of them.  for the life of me, i don't remember the name of the film.

they got married just after mom graduated.  she said once that most of the wedding plans were made by her mom and sisters, or at a distance.  they moved to georgia, had a bulldog or boxer named sarge, got transferred to germany and came home with me.

all my next memories are of annual moves and annual babies.  what seems important, next, is that when he lived at the gap he requested a transfer back to germany.  he wanted to take the whole family.  instead he was sent to vietnam.

he came home different - worse - angry - he drank a lot.  he decided to retire from the army.  then came a series of jobs he hated - i remember one at the steel mill.  then he found the position as a police officer - we moved again - and things seemed more stable.  he earned his ged at some point, then took some classes at a local college.

remember when we helped settle the vietnamese family in town?  and you had a vietnamese friend?  dad left the house one day.  i followed a little later.  he was sitting on the porch swing, staring.  he said,  "when i see those kids, i remember everything that happened to our boys..."  i don't think he ever said anything more about the war.  but he was always different.

i left after that...the rest of the story is yours...

one other thing i remember, he told me that when he reads military histories, he often knows what will happen before he turns the page.

and we have they grumpy-grampy stories!

memories?  insight?

love you,

clare

forward progress

So, I woke up this morning feeling like shit...too much gardening this weekend.
I did some work inside and then went to the grocery...
somehow slipped a pint of Ben and Jerry's into the cart and proceeded to eat it before anyone got home from school...talk about pathetic!

Oh well, I will do better tomorrow...
maybe after I stop all of this ridiculous PMS-ing I will stop the ridiculous binge eating.

So what did I learn today?
I am just enjoying time without a schedule.
I am enjoying yoga in the morning, and gardening for as long as my body is able, and reading on the couch when I am too tired to move.
I think I'm going to try to do vegan again...just to break the habits I have created.

So I have been wondering what stories you have about Dad's young adult life. I don't know a lot, he quit school and joined the army, got shot in Korea...I was wondering if you could make it more of a narrative. I have actually considered asking Mom to write some of the stories down...but am resisting that urge....not sure why I'm resisting, but I am.

I feel as if I need to make forward progress again...not just recoup and rest, which is what it feels as if I am doing recently...I am working on other things...like meaningful employment...but I want to continue to progress on this personal journey.

Love and Light to you and yours,
Maggie

Physically spent

I will bring along the book...
you can decide if it works for you or not.
It has changed my perceptions...but because it has been several years since I did the whole book I had forgotten a lot of it. Perhaps this time through will deepen my understanding.

I don't have a lot to add today.
I went to Meeting...
returned home...
applied for a job...this one is with a domestic violence agency.
walked and mulched gardens.

So far I have applied to be a full time professor, an assistant director of a university social work program, a legislative analyst, a director of a community health center for the indigent and a policy analyst for DV...everything interests me.
Like I said before...I am searching job boards and applying to those that really catch my interest.
I am trusting that the right position will find me...I just have to stay open to it.

I am physically spent so there is not much left mentally either.
I am looking forward to my visit there.
I am wondering what I can do to ease some of your burdens.
I will help you to do whatever needs to be done that you can't do with your arm in a cast.

Love and Light,
Maggie

yes! i'll take miracles!!!

i would love to try the course of miracles.  i want more.  i want to be more.

i read your post late last night and thought about it a lot.  i am afraid.  i fear rejection, i fear cruel words, i fear i am not good enough.  but somehow fear doesn't go deep enough to explain or describe the deep, deep self-loathing instilled in us by church, family, society - especially as females.

i don't know how to even glimpse my value - i mean on an emotional, psychological level.  logically i could say a lot, and it would make sense, be accepted, but it's just a social veneer.

i don't know if all women feel this way.  and truthfully, i know men are oppressed, so maybe they also feel this way...

the catholic church taught me that i am evil, a temptress.  men sin because of me.  remember all the drama of having someone see underpants?  we were bad.  yet we had to wear skirts...

my kids ran naked in the backyard.

dad told us we were the problem.  everything was our fault.  i knew i destroyed his life simply by being born.  logically, i see what i have written.  but the little girl deep inside wonders if i am worthy enough to be here.  after all, i'm just a problem.  i definitely am stuck in this rut...i think this may be the core of my reluctance to ask for help.

and society...once i had breasts, i became a commodity.

self-loathing lies beneath the fear, supports it.

babies are up...more later...

love you,

clare

Fear

Come back to me,
with all your heart,
don't let fear,
keep us apart.

Fear...

That's the answer to both of your questions.

Fear...the opposite of love.
Love empowers and opens us.
Fear closes us down and robs us of our potential.

You fear being seen...and known.
I can only guess that your "daughter" is afraid of not being seen, and so she attracts male attention...
women are raised to feel incomplete without a man to define her. Those who choose to live independently are called lesbians or crazy cat women.

I sometimes regret giving up the opportunity to live independently...but with kids in the picture it is best to make sacrifices. I think if I am ever widowed I will live independently...not without companions...but at my choosing.

Have you ever read/practiced A Course in Miracles?
It is a spiritual practice, lasting a year if you are diligent,
that brings you to a new perspective.
I have completed it once...
began it another time...
and picked it up again today.
I have used it in the past as a place to begin my meditation...

Today I read about fear...being the opposite of love...
giving up fear frees a person to open to the possibilities of the divine.
Hence my opening answer to you...
no one can coerce you to love them.
they can frighten you into respect, or compliance...but never into love.
If you would like I will bring you a copy of the book when I see you...it might interest you.

I am glad that you helped a young woman escape her abuser...we all need to open our doors to those who need us. I remain open to that possibility...to the point that my oldest tells me to not give her room to a foster child because she still wants to come home.

The one last thought that comes to me this evening is that as we give love we are filled with more love. It "defies physics" because in sharing we are replenishing and building our stores. It is a great image to hold onto.

I love you,
Maggie

still thinking...too much

i think maybe i am being boring and whiney as i try to find a way to look at myself, really see myself, accept myself - and maybe get a glimmer of why this is so difficult -- well besides having dad's voice echoing through my psyche, "fat, dumb and ugly..."  i guess i've cycled back.  wonder what my perspective will be this year.  just had a thought - i wonder if the cycle is annual.  maybe i'll remember to check when i'm working with two hands again.

we had dinner with a friend of my youngest daughter's last night.  she had to flee a domestic violence situation with her two sons, and hid out here, about a year and a half ago.  my daughter asked if she could stay for a night, which turned into ten until all of the legal work was done and she could go home.  ever since then, this young woman calls me mom.  while we were spending time together last evening, i realized that this young mama is built almost exactly like me.  she is cute and dramatic - some tattoos and piercings, lots of dark hair, gorgeous eyes, big, smiley personality...i really considered, for awhile, why is she cute while i am disgusting.  sure, she needs too lose weight, but she is fine, she is loveable the way she is.  she never lacks for romantic interests.

i, though, am so afraid of rejection, i am paralyzed.  i am afraid to move.  i still still, in agony, in such emotional pain, not knowing how to break through my addictions - to wheat, to sugar, to being invisible.  i want to emerge, step into the light, but i am still afraid...

my little dog is still breathing.  that is one of the first things i check each morning, and throughout the day.

i hope you have a great weekend.  if the sun wins out and we have clear skies, i will!

love to you,

clare

good memories

I read your post, and flashed to 2 of my horses...
Miss Daisy and Small One.
When I first met Miss Daisy she had just been bought, out of the meat pen at the auction...
that's where they put horses that won't sell for use...so they go for the going meat rate and are sent to the slaughter house. What makes that even more repulsive is that she was over 30 years old, emaciated, had body lice and open sores over her body. She had slippered hooves...and was mostly blind. But she had a beautiful face, soulful eyes, and she loved kids...she loved having them fuss over her, ride her and groom her...she didn't even need a saddle...her back was so swayed they fit perfectly. In about a year, and several episodes of bad luck for her rescuer, she became mine because no one else wanted to waste the money.

 About the same time a small pony came to the farm, terribly abused, starved...but he had spirit. He played tag with my kids...running after them and stopping abruptly when they did. He was also seen as a liability...so I came to assume ownership. My youngest was rode this pony on trails for hours at a time. He loved him so much...

When the two of them were put into the same pasture Small One became Daisy's guide. They just clicked and locked. He led her from the barn to the pasture and to the grass. They were inseparable.

4 years ago Small One colicked and I had to put him down. I would not have had the courage to do that except that he looked me in the eye and "told" me to "let me go". Miss Daisy was nearby when we injected him, as were all of his pasture-mates, and she was calm. We all grieved. The following summer she punctured her eyeball, she no longer had a guide...Rusty protected her, but didn't lead her the way that Small One did. The eye healed, but now she was totally blind, she wasted away and died the next spring.

I love the fact that they bonded...and I love bonding with them. Even if it means having patience and letting them live out their days with dignity and love.

I am so engrossed in this memory...
it's a good place to settle for the night.

Love you...
Maggie

"I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member". Groucho Marx

i see what you are describing with owning horses when i read the dog rescue sites.  i think it's another aspect of objectification....make me look good.  people buy trendy breeds, then dump them later - some people, not all.  i can always feel the bereft pain of the dog - they are part of the family.  they love unconditionally.  to be treated like furniture, to be cast aside.  it breaks my heart.

people mostly dump dogs between 6 and 9 months - when that puppy adoration, i'll follow you anywhere stage ends, and adolescence begins, or in old age when health problems set in.  it is hard to watch them die.  it is easier to pretend they are at the farm, playing with the other dogs.

my husky gave me a great gift by dying of old age, and cancer, while my hand was on him.  he looked me right in the eyes just before he left, blew his spirit out and was gone.  and, as with the passing of all of our beloveds, the cord between us snapped and i was without him.  it was horrible grace.  and i am about to go through it again.  my 14 year old cocker is now blind, deaf and mostly confused.  but she knows where her food dish is, she knows where i am, and she mostly sleeps comfortably.  but a little more of her is gone every day.  this dog is not objectified.  she has been part of the family since she fit in my hand.  i don't expect her to be with us when you visit.

it is objectification...we want perfect horses, perfect dogs, perfect children, perfect partners to reflect our value and perfection.  it doesn't matter what lies below the facade.  that was our family - we were the great american family...tall, blue-eyed, talented, intelligent.

you followed this to your ex.  i followed it to me.  while reading your words, i wondered if i objectify me and reject myself.  i accept so many differences in my friends, love my children unconditionally.  but i reject myself, can't see my own value...i'm still really struggling with this...i'll keep working, keep pushing myself...

hugs to nephews, and love from clare

control without connection

There really is a shallow-ness to our existence...
we want so much and so many that we fail to settle deep roots.
We are content to accumulate instead of savoring what is ours...
and move on without finding contentment.
I find it to be so disheartening that once we have, or possess, something it loses its attractiveness...
and we are distracted by the next thing that we gotta have...
it's not only stuff...
it's people
and animals as well.
And then we discard the old...
or at least put it away to make room for the novel distraction...
only to once again become bored and distracted.

It breaks my heart when people buy and sell horses without ever gaining their respect and bonding a relationship with them...they want control without connection.
they want a perfectly behaved mount that does everything it is told to do.
But when you have a horse like that what you really are getting is one whose soul and will have been broken because they have been over trained and under respected. I would rather a thinking, responsive companion who wants to work with me...instead of for me.

People are much the same.

I have had a few email correspondences with a former love...
He acts interested and supportive...
asking intelligent questions and replies in a way that conveys respect for my very different life views...
and then after he gains my attention he becomes critical and cruel...
I guess he wanted control without connection too.
I have come to realize that I dodged a bullet with that one.
That was kind of random...but somehow was part of that train of thought.

Anyway...
I am going to talk with my boy...he's very talkative today.

Love and Light,
Maggie

still going

oh my god, it's been quite the year.  in a way i feel like we're all still wandering around, raw and lost.  i guess it kind of bugs me that b2 is on the road, searching - for something - peace, i suppose, or home.  and our attitude is just that this is the way he is.  i get so frustrated with the shallow level of analysis and understanding we accept.  i see it in the news.  i see it in political arguments.  i see it in the family, in us as well as in some cousins.

but i am less raw, and more importantly, less inside my own head.  i have changed, at least inwardly.  i see more possibilities in life, and maybe i'm less fearful.  and despite my ongoing struggle, i think maybe i love and accept myself - at least a little more.

every family gets one - that kid with the light in their eye...the one everyone looks at, and expects -- something.  i got one of them, too.  and that child is a continuing delight.

not much going on here.  or maybe, too much going on here.  i'm not sleeping well, so no dreams, no deep thoughts, except of how to heal.  i'm just trying to get through each day!

i hope you are enjoying this quiet down-time.  it won't last.  it never does!

smile,

clare

What a difference a year makes...

Then the first weekend of June it is...
I am looking forward to a quiet weekend with you and your family if they are around.

My youngest had his first baseball game tonight...
he stole home base...
head first...
he likes to make an impression.

I am mindfully and patiently waiting for the right opportunity to open up for me.
I don't want to get sucked into a position that isn't beneficial to me...
I want to do something meaningful.

I ordered my mulch pile today...
it's an annual ritual...
a huge pile that gets spread across my gardens.
I generally get it for Mothers Day.
I love to mulch my gardens...
and all of the other activities involved...
weeding, edging, transplanting...
it will be a good week.
I had to cover my vegetables last evening...we had a frost...
the safe planting date is 5/16, but I put the plants into the beds last week...
so much for patience.

I spoke with Mom on Saturday...
it was nice to hear from her.
She mentioned that B#2 is in my geographic vicinity...
I doubt that I will be on his calling list.
But I set boundaries for my own preservation and so it is good to maintain those.

I have been trying to remember how emotionally charged I felt last year at this time.
I can remember the emotions...but cannot revisit the emotional roller coaster.
What a difference a year makes.
I think that all of those experiences were so necessary and are ultimately beneficial...
it just sucked having to walk through them.
Even though it was difficult...
I definitely felt alive during the process...
which was a great improvement over the grey-fog that I felt prior to all of that and the counseling.
Anything is better than living in a grey colored world surrounded by persistent negativity....
depression sucks...

That's all that I can write tonight...
Love and Light,
Maggie

moving on

you have power struggles and tantrums.  we snipe and set each other off - resulting in power games.  we're a family!

so nice that you had a good mother's day.  i saw or talked to all mine.  that makes it a good day.  i went to a softball game because my youngest son was playing.  i played catch with my grandson, who could not play properly until he borrowed someone's mitt, someone else's hat, then he lifted a pair of sunglasses. he was smooshy adorable, and oh so serious.

i love those moments of deja vu.  and yes, you were practicing for this moment.

the right job will come.  i say that for you as much as for me.  i don't know if i reported this - but i did not get the job i interviewed for.  they advertised that the coach could telecommute, but i had a higher percentage of telecommute time in mind than they did.  they graciously said i impressed them.  so i'm looking for something else.  i'm reading the ads every day, but unless there is something perfect, i'm going to hold out until my wrist heals.  everything takes about ten times as long now.  on saturday, i usually get my house under control and basically neat.  this week, i did two loads of laundry and washed dishes.

so happy to see i am on your list!  the first weekend of june looks great.

family gossip - b2 is north, trying to resettle, and visited s3 yesterday.  i talked to mom and she said she thinks he just moves on like that.  she had no idea what set him off and away from b1.  i remembered that he had his last address for about 15 years.  i think that without his daughter close by, he doesn't have an anchor.  not sure what to do or think...

any thoughts?

love you, clare

time to regroup

Mothers' Day was fun.
Of course it was all about me this year...
which is slightly uncomfortable but I made the most of it.
It was so nice to have all 4 of the kids come to graduation.
Of course there were temper tantrums and power struggles...we never seem to fully outgrow those...
but there was a strong sense of love and belonging...and accepting our idiosyncrasies and uniqueness.

I came home, crashed, and spent time looking for a job.
I found one to apply for...sent my letter and CV this morning.
If I search for a job each day...or even every other day...I should find my next step.
This one was as a director of a medical clinic in a small, impoverished city nearby...
it would definitely allow me to use my skills and advocate for a very vulnerable group of people...
but for now I just wait to hear.

I wanted to tell you that the hooding ceremony on Saturday was deja vu for me.
I had dreamt parts of the day...
a while ago...
particularly this one usher in very colorful regalia.
It's comforting to know that you are where you are supposed to be...
it was foretold in a dream.

So, now it is time for me to get my life together...
clean my house...
read...
exercise...
sing...
catch up with old friends...
and not lose the ones that I've made along these past 3 years.

So, are you up for a visit?
I am thinking the first weekend of June...6/1 and 6/2.
Does that work for you?
If not we will find one that does.

Love and Light,
Maggie

it's mother's day

fred is a cockatiel.  he loves my daughter, and i thought he hated me.  but recently i discovered that while he allows me to feed and water him, and i may clean his cage, he bites anyone else who tries.  i guess he hates me less than the rest of the world.  this week, for the first time ever, he flew to my desk and was walking around in my work space.  i was really delighted.

how many of you graduated together?  and i like the word elated.  it's best when you are proud of yourself.

happy mothers' day!  do you celebrate?  i generally don't.  i have always been too aware of the original intent, and of the way it has been dumbed down to a hallmark holiday.  mothers are supposed to be activists, to defend their children, thereby defending the planet and all life.

because we had a long night - my daughter pinched a nerve in her neck, i am going to post the original mother's day proclamation, and be inspired...i used to read this aloud every year, a feel filled with the passion...


Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the
summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.




Yes!!!   love, clare

bittersweet

Who is Fred...
and why did he poop on someone's keyboard?

Today was bittersweet...
I sat with the women that I shared the past 3 years with...
we reminisced throughout the ceremony...
and we shared our present joys and concerns...
two are pregnant, one is having a bilateral mastectomy next week, and most have no clue what is next.
But we are all optimistic...and ready to move on.
And we all celebrated each other today.

My hero and mentor spoke about me this morning at the honor induction...
she quoted my song, Heart's Voice, which was very touching.

Don't worry about greatness, 
do simple things well,
be kind to others, 
show respect,
give of your time generously
and always believe in yourself...

I was proud of my words and elated that she found them meaningful. She really is a wonderful women and role model. I am grateful to have learned from her.

I will check in tomorrow...
Love and Light,
Maggie

still thinking

i think there should be a page for the strangest sentences uttered in households.  yesterday, mine would have been,  "fred, don't poop on the keyboard."

you are a healer.  i don't think you changed paths as much as moved to another lane.  in a way it is much more intimate - you have to know people's stories, know their emotions rather than test physiological responses.  our stories repeat the same themes, the same pain, yet each is individual.  at the same time, this work offers a larger chance to identify the commonalities and change the world.

i'm still in awe of your determination and intelligence.  and i'm still proud of you.

i usually don't pay a lot of attention to the news.  i read enough to have an idea of what is happening.  but the story of the three women held captive for ten years won't let me go.  this is the ultimate objectification of women.  they are simply possessions.  the abductor looks weak and mild.  i saw him standing, looking at the floor, chewing his own collar.  the parts of the story i expected to hear are emerging:
- he was sexually abused.  as i have repeatedly said, only the raped can rape.
- he blamed the girls.  what happened was their fault.  typical of a person who identifies and defines himself by the abuse inflicted on him.  he, and his own pain, are central, the rest of us are pawns, unreal, unfeeling characters to be used to play out the drama, to reenact the torture.
- he had a prior history of controlling and confining his wife, his initial possession.

it seems we could begin to see the warning signs.  will we?  i wonder about all of the children who disappear daily...

i got my omega catalog a few weeks ago, and looked at it for awhile last night.  someone is doing a workshop on branding.  we announce who we are by the choices we make in clothes, shoes, hair, make up.  i think my preferred look is invisible, and i am (finally) struggling with that.  the story of out of cleveland screams - be invisible.  women are safer that way.  but i am tired of being this clare.  i want to be another clare.  still struggling with age, maybe.  yay birthdays!

i remember when i was a high school senior, maybe, one of your friends said i would be very pretty if i were just normal.  there's a clue to the real clare - not normal!!

i'll continue this self examination as i continue cleaning my house with one hand.

love and joy to you on your graduation weekend!

clare

note - fred pooped on my keyboard...

Life's lessons don't lessen us.

I am proud of my accomplishments, but for different reasons...

I began this degree at a point in my life when I was searching for truth and real-ness in my life.
I was separated from husband...
dealing with 3 of my kids at home...
trying on a new relationship...
trying on a new profession...
and then I was inspired to apply to this program.
It didn't make sense...
I could have reactivated my medical license for half the cost in one third of the time and make 4 times the money...
but that didn't feel right...
that path no longer drew me to it.

Along the way I have met wonderful people...
colleagues and clients...
and realized how much common ground there is in humans...
we look different, talk different, even perceive ourselves as separate and different,
but we are more alike than different.
Each time I would learn something about human behavior, either from books or interactions,
I felt the bond.
I felt the commonality of human nature.
What is amazing is that, despite that fact, we spend our lives believing we are superior to some, but inferior to others...for a myriad of reasons we find boundaries that separate us from the others.

Now that I am finishing, transitioning, I am sad and excited simultaneously.
I will miss the rhythm of academic demand.
I will miss the intellectual discussions and researching a multitude of social justice issues...
But, I am excited by the possibilities of the future...but patiently waiting for the right opportunity to open.

So through this long process I have come to know myself much more intimately...
to really search and understand my motivations and the way that I process and handle life.
I have a long way yet to go, but I am much more "me" than I have ever been.
I have come to understand that life's struggles make us stronger...they bring out our best...
Life's lessons don't lessen us.

I keep coming back to my last post...
and the word humiliation, humility,
humus...of the earth...
we are meant to be humble...the live with humility...
and yet we utterly reject humiliation...
what is that about?

I took a wonderful walk today...around a beautiful lake...
the sights, sounds and smells were wonderful.
I will sleep well tonight.

Love and Light,
Maggie

celebrate

itching under a cast is awful!  i just finished work for the week, and so i can relax.  the cast is actually easier to sleep in...that is good.

i think you and your family will be celebrating YOU this weekend.  years of hard work, and you have some new letters to follow your name.  but even more, you have new insight, new skills, new tools for raising awareness and changing the world for the better.

i am proud of you, proud that you are my sister, that we are family.  with your passion and intelligence, i know you will change the world.

grandchildren arriving in about an hour and a half.  maybe i'll get a little bit done before they arrive.

congratulations

love you

clare

Sleep Clare

Sleep Clare...
just take a day to yourself and sleep.
There are others who can take over for you for at least a short while...
listen to your body and rest.
I wish that I lived closer...I would come and offer respite.
All that I can offer right now is...
Love and Light,
Maggie

struggling, always struggling

hi slow-poke,

so glad you are taking time to breathe.  the splint was removed today.  i saw my wrist.  it looked like a dead fish - all golden greenish and floppy.  i was a little distressed.

i am in distress.  emotional and physical.  my wrist aches from all the prodding and pulling today.  i'm not sleeping well.  the house is chaos around me.  but i'm also feeling out of control and dissociated, bodily.  i don't like me, but i don't know how to be anyone else.  i want to be a different me.

i think part of my problem is that the achiness and lack of sleep is making me look older.  i am struggling with that.  i am struggling with my lack of connection with my body.

i want to be beautiful, but since i never have been, i don't know how to be.  so i want to retreat and hide.  but i am so tired of hiding.  i am at war with myself.

i know what to do, but i can't seem to engage my body with my spirit, and so i wallow.

i'm teary.  all the pain is catching up with my exhaustion.  i think i need to sleep.

i love you,

clare

life-cycles

I am in  regeneration mode...
I am eating, sleeping (napping), cleaning and organizing.
It is so strange, but wonderful to have free time.
I have been looking for jobs...applied for a few, but nothing is truly engaging me yet.

I grabbed a book, just trying to see what sparked me...I picked up The Seven Storey Mountain, by Thomas Merton...he wrote something that made me pause and consider it... He was talking about his younger brother wanting to be with him and his friends, but their rejection of him.

We will to separate ourselves from that love. We reject it entirely, and will not acknowledge it, simply because it does not please us to be loved. Perhaps the inner motive is that the fact of being loved disinterestedly reminds us that we all need love from others, and depend upon the charity of others to carry on our own lives. And we refuse love and reject society, in so far as it seems, in our own perverse imagination, to imply some obscure kind of humiliation.

Do we, or shall I say Do I, reject charity, love, assistance because it is a humiliation to need others?
I do...
I know that I do.
But, as Merton wrote, our natural tendency is to love and help others...
why is it so difficult to reciprocate and accept love.

You have accepted love and assistance...and have given love and assistance to your daughter and granddaughter...you have completed a circle, a cycle...
to give and to receive is a full cycle.

Life-cycles are interesting...
I have been studying plant life-cycles with my son...
the more ancient/primitive plants have to have water to complete their reproductive cycles...
the more advanced create protected seeds to allow germination when conditions are right... and depend upon pollinators or the winds to assist them in reproduction.
they have adapted to the demands of their environments and their environment responds to them. There is a balance.
We, humans, have changed our environments to meet our needs...
and yet, at our most basic functional level we are dependent upon each other, and charity.
But we actively fight that need for charity, support and love....
many serve others because they are driven by altruism...
but how many will graciously accept help when offered by others...
how many will allow their vulnerabilities to be seen and acknowledged.
As humans, we need assistance as infants and young children...
then we are quickly taught independence...
many of us were taught that people are untrustworthy...
and we spend our adult lives acting as if we don't need anyone.
As we become elderly and frail we again need to accept assistance and charity from others...
but there is a sense of failure...
not a natural vulnerability as with a life-cycle, but one that is fraught with guilt and shame for being dependent.
Is this how everyone views the process...or am I skewed because of my childhood experiences?
One thing that I have learned in the past 3 years is that, while my young life's experiences are not normal...they are certainly, and regretfully, not uncommon...
So I would guess that many feel this way.
 Life is all about cycles...
inspiration/expiration
fertility/infertility
dependence/independence
joy/sorrow
It is one of the dependable aspects of this life.

Love and Light,
Maggie

quiet mode

I think that you'll be much more comfortable in the cast. At least that's been my experience.
I am glad that you were able to get by without surgery and that things are healing up.
I took a yoga class today.
It was with a spirit-filled woman who had such a gentle way about her.
She spent over an hour opening us up with poses...
so many yoga classes are about core strength  and flexibility...there are goals attached...
but she just concentrated on opening our hearts and centering the mind.
It was very peaceful and made me quite refreshed.
I spent the rest of the day writing my research which is fascinating, but confusing.

I am enjoying my new-found sense of rest and relaxation...
but feel guilty underneath the surface as I feel as if I should be productive.
I continue to look at job postings and do internet searches...but nothing has come of it yet.
I think that I will just continue to search in a non-pressured way...waiting for the opportunity that really resonates with me.
I hope that I have the patience to do that successfully.

I am in quiet mode...
and I like it very much.

I will check in again tomorrow...
sending you healing Light,
Maggie

foggy

prevention is always, always better than picking up the battered pieces of someone's soul, or their body.  we both know you're never the same again.  follow the leading and see if way opens.  i have mentioned the alternatives to violence project.  i would recommend it!  i have done quite a few workshops with teens and it can be very effective.

maybe the commercial could raise awareness, and inspire funding.  maybe the commercial could go on youtube, since that would not cost much....just brainstorming here.

i am enjoying spring.  the gift of a delayed spring is this assault on my senses.  can i stand so much beauty?  everything is blossoming, everything is competing for my attention when i go outside.

i am blanking today.  sleeping with this splint means restless, disturbed sleep.  i'm up too early after not being able to fall asleep.  i am brain foggy.

they will remove the splint and replace it with a cast tomorrow.  i hope it will be smaller, less cumbersome.  then i will be witty, wordy and oh so wise again!

keep me posted...love to you all...clare

Window of Opportunity

I love that newborn smell...

Things are calm here...but we are waiting for the consequences of his actions to surface.
He has been told to not discuss this with his friends as no charges have been officially filed yet...
but he is being asked about it repeatedly...he has to plead the fifth basically.
I think it is really teaching him about discernment...
what to talk about and with whom...
He seems engaged and more connected than he was before so maybe we have a window of opportunity here. I am in the process of scheduling counseling so hopefully we will all emerge stronger and more aware of our vulnerabilities.

I just came from a meeting at the domestic violence shelter...we were talking about the loss of funding and the need to pare services down to essential, core services...meaning interventions not prevention. I left there feeling frustrated, because the only way to break the cycle is prevention through education. I may take the initiative, get trained in a prevention program and offer my services to the schools through the DV shelter. It seems like the best way to proceed. I can afford to volunteer and violence prevention can't afford to wait for better financial circumstances. Maybe this is a leading???

I just feel strongly that if people understood the spectrum of violence and could recognize it...realistically identify it...they could stop it...it's too important to let sit.

I hope that you are healing. I trust that you know how to support and encourage the healing process.

Love and Light,
Maggie

the twenty year rule

oh honey,

what a tough weekend.  been there, done that.  the consequences are never as bad as feared - or imagined.  i think the lesson is in going through it all, thinking about what we want, what we want to be.  i wish i were close enough to hug you.  it's so hard to step aside and let children take responsibility for what they did.  we stand by them, but they have to take the walk alone.

i have very mixed feelings about marijuana laws.  i think it needs to be legalized.  prohibition of alcohol did not work.  it simply increased crime and violence.  mothers against drunk driving worked - that was authentic.  i believe that if marijuana were legalized, authentic restrictions would organically develop.

how are you?  are you staying even and remembering to breathe?  and remembering how amazing your son is?

my house is a wreck.  i am feeling a little overwhelmed.  this is where i need to remember and relax...when the kids were little i developed my "twenty year rule" as a way of maintaining sanity.  basically, i ask myself if, in twenty years, will it matter that the dishes were not done today?  will it matter if i was a complete bitch in order to get them done.

ideally we have serene mommy in an organized house, but first runner up is calm mommy amid chaos.  in an ideal world, mommy-bitch never makes an appearance.

of course we have our secret weapon.  if we need to calm down, we cuddle with our little princess, and smell her newborn smell, and get lost in the delight of gazing at her.

i love you. i'm holding all of you in the light.

clare

Happy Birthday

Clare,

I am glad to hear that your house is settling and peaceful for the time being.

You are right about the cycles that we are living through....tough cycles that despite our best intentions draw us into unhealthy situations and relationships.

I did not go to the Spring gathering for my meeting this past weekend, and I am glad that I did not. My family needed me. We had a crisis that made me, and all of us, aware of how easily people get distracted onto unhealthy paths. Son #1 was arrested for possession of a very small amount of pot. But, we faced it full on...everyone was home and aware of the problem....and they each stepped up to support and hold each other. It made me sad that we had to do this, but at the same time very glad to know that we can and did. I am not sure what is going to happen legally, but we are trying to cooperate to lessen charges. I am worried, but not anxious.

I talked extensively to all of my kids about addictions and abusing substances this weekend, and in the past...they know the saga of the Delana addictions...but here is another one making poor choices. He will get help and counseling...he will be loved and supported, but he will have to face any consequences that arise.

I am glad that I have you to support me and to turn to.
I wish you a very happy birthday...and yes make some plans.

Love and Light,
Maggie

my annular return

good morning maggie,

between trying to heal my wrist and having my daughter want to spend more time with me, it's getting harder and harder to get here.  i think perhaps your impending graduation is keeping you busy, too.

it's my birthday again.  last year i had the strongest sense that i should go to grad school.  it seemed like an ideal way to open more options in my life.  but the financial crap stopped me.  i have not been able to find a way through.

my birthday has always been a quiet, reflective day.  i try to think about what i have accomplished, besides simply sliding through another year.  what's different...i feel like i am in transition.  i feel like things are changing, but i'm not quite seeing them.  i think that comes from our steady experience of revelation in the work we are doing here.  we are challenging each other to think, analyze, remember, be aware.  some days this is hard work - the writing and sharing.  some days the hard job is showing up.  but mostly i look forward to reading your words and seeing where they take me.  a lot of days this work with you is delight...

so - here i am - same house - i love it,  same job - i enjoy it, still struggling with money, still being a hermit.  how does that feed me?  i have to be learning something or i wouldn't live like this.  a few friendships have changed.  i remain hidden, and full of self-loathing and fear as far as romance goes.  i was peripherally involved in my youngest's drama resulting in a three-generational, all female household.

i feel like i got through another year.  i didn't celebrate it, though.

my daughter has been showing an amazing amount of confidence for a first time mom.  she has definitely been bonding with her daughter.  that has been sweet and successful.

my kids spent yesterday with me.  they gave me the gift of time and labor - plus some flowers and seeds for the garden.  it was so sweet.  they are so wonderful.  i am so lucky.

mom let us star in the weekly family letter.  we got headlines for baby and for broken wrist.  s#5 sent a quick note asking about us saying she would love to see a picture.  i responded with our little explanation about keeping mention or photo of baby off of social media.  delana drama, the next generation.  i started thinking about the key players and realized it is the girl cousins, but it's the daughters of sisters, but even more specifically it's the daughters of the three of us who married and divorced alcoholics.

since we are all about secrets and superficial facades of happy family, i don't know what is really happening in the other families.  but when the girls get pregnant we hear enough to know they are choosing abusive or addicted males - i can't call any of them men.

so, happy birthday to me.  i wonder what will happen during this next ride around the sun.  should i make plans or is that foolish?????

love to you this gorgeous spring day...clare

Like versus Love

like versus love...
I remember when I wrote the song Graceful Spirit I toyed with the line "those I love and those I don't"...I eventually changed it to "those I like and those I don't because I reasoned that we are meant to love everyone, but only like a select few. Love is more universal and depends only upon the fact that there is that of the divine within all. Your statement about loving a select group because they show up resonates more with me if you change it to liking them. I have a choice to like or not...love is a necessity to our existence...it is the deep connection that we all have, but all spend endless amounts of energy denying...so that we can be "rugged individualists" and great individuals.

So today, I was cleaning up because my girls are both home this weekend...and I found myself dancing to the music that was playing in the background...it was such fun. I had to check to make sure that no one was watching...I was alone...but it felt good, sweeping, folding clothes, mopping...all to light hearted music.

I've been walking daily for the past 10 days or so...I love to walk...but my hip and knee are really aching...I refuse to believe that this could be arthritis...I refuse to believe that I am old enough to have joint problems...but I may have to admit it enough to wear a supportive knee sleeve in order to continue to walk. Before grad school I was doing 5 to 6 miles a day split between a morning and evening walk. I loved it. Now I am doing 3 miles and aching the rest of the day. One great bonus is that I am sleeping really well. It feels good to sleep soundly.

I have had some really good conversations with my kids this week...what a great week.
Spending time together is allowing the conversation to flow, naturally. I am glad that my life is slowing down, at least for a little while...to strengthen the connection.
Thanks for being connected to me...I appreciate your love and support more than I can say.

Love and Light,
Maggie

direction and chaos and other light subjects

as always, you make thought-provoking points. at meeting, sometimes the disconnect is simply being tired.  sometimes we are not truly a community.  i often feel a lack of unity, or of a sense of being joined.  but many times i think it comes down to our ongoing attempts to be egalitarian.  no one wants to step forward, tell others what to do, to be a leader/boss.  so everyone is sort of waiting for direction.  we have been talking about and trying to develop the gift of eldering, of spiritual companionship, in our regional meeting.  part of that is the gift of discerning and naming friend's gifts.  when we have an idea of what our gifts are, it is easier to serve.

maybe instead of a cooperation/competition issue, it is really lack of direction.  and exhaustion.

the reason we love a select group is because they are the people who show up!

i was thinking about chaos once, and realized that chaos is that moment when all possibilities are...possible.  once you make a decision, chaos diminishes.  it is frightening to have everything flying at you, circling around you, at once.  but it's exciting.  our problem is that the chaos of an alcoholic home taught us to control as much as possible, and to fear chaos.  or else we got lost in the chaos and never found our way out...not sure which i am.  either way, it is frightening.

i do not need to have surgery.  it was such a relief to hear that.  i really felt the weight lifting.  i have been using herbs aggressively - it's fun to treat someone who does what i say!  apparently it is healing fast.  i go back in a week to have it casted - for a month.  then a brace and physical therapy.  i need to confer with my granddaughter about the color of the cast.  i do believe there is a plan involving sparkles for decorating me.

i have been sitting and holding the teeny one.  she has such spirit.  i can feel it streaming out of her.  i am remembering mine when they were tiny.  i feel warm and cozy, yet sad - i miss it.

gotta find a plastic bag and duct tape so i can shower.

love you,  clare

disconnect

I actually did wonder if that reference to "need a break" was in poor taste, but I let it slide.

I like the policy of rotating committees. Our committees do seem to be burdensome...hospitality complains that people are standing around talking while they want to clean up, no one shows up for house committee clean up, no one is willing to be on care and concern or outreach because it means talking to people...perhaps it is time for a shake up.

I made a bold statement to that effect today in an email about RE and the need for an equitable distribution of responsibilities...I was surprised that others felt similarly...I actually felt supported which was nice. It all comes down to connection, as you have said before. People want to belong, but they don't want to invest themselves in order to make it happen. Why do we humans do this? Is it protective...because it seems to be the root of abuse and exploitation? It is the reason that we compete instead of cooperate...that we work at against each other rather than collaborate. The reason that we can only love a select few humans rather than loving all beings...and probably the reason that we continue to love and cling to people who mistreat us.

So how are you all coping with broken bones and new babies? You must be frustrated, not being able to hold her with both hands. I am sure that you will figure it out...you are motivated.

I don't like the dreams that I am having...I am a control person...definitely not comfortable with chaos. I am trying to clean up my space, mentally and physically from the past 4 years of work and study and putting life off. I spent today transferring my computer contents onto flash drives to clean up that space. Tomorrow I will go through the mountain of papers that I have held onto. It feels good to put things away or recycle them to create more space for new ideas, creativity, etc.

I hope that you are healing and that your pain is much less. I will check in tomorrow.

Love and Light,
Maggie

in little letters

there will be no capital letters in tonight's post.  my left hand is immobilized, i am exhausted.  we had a baby on monday.  mother and child are doing well.  i spent last night in the hospital.  that's more like it.  i was able to ignore my fracture and tend someone else.

tomorrow, i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon.  i will discover the next step.

last night, in the sort of dark in the hospital, with an aching wrist, i felt totally alone.  i am tired.  i am afraid.

today someone i know, not well, but whom i care about, told me she has unrelated tumors in her liver, breast and stomach, i believe.  suddenly surgery doesn't seem so daunting.

things are going to be tough around here with two of us needing to accept help - although my daughter is good at asking for and accepting help.

i do understand your description of friends' dependence on your talent and willingness to work with youth.  we rotate people off committees after a specific number of years to avoid burnout, and to be reminded what work is being done by friends.  maybe you could suggest a similar policy.

zombie dreams - i am shocked!  i am so far out of common culture, i still don't know what that is all about.  the rest, the chaos, maybe that's just not being able to see what's next.

must sleep...much love...clare


i need a break...is that a pun?

I need a break

I am so sorry to hear about your wrist injury,
but am glad that you were so well attended to after the accident...

I am not attending our quarterly spring gathering this coming weekend because I've got nothing left to give at this moment...
I have become synonymous with child care and kids' activities in my meeting and the expectation was that I would cover the required hours in the children's program for our meeting...whenever a childcare issues arises they look to me and/or daughter #2 to step up...and we both need a break.
So I am taking an evasive escape route, and not attending. I need a break.

I just had a wonderful conversation with my wise friend...she advises patience and remaining open until the right job opportunity comes to me. She has an incredible gift for saying, out loud, what my heart is telling me. She says that things are aligning so that the correct opportunity will present itself to me. I have been job searching, and submitted several CV's...but I will continue to be observant and open to and discerning of the possibilities.

So my dreams have been chaotic...crazy office settings...walking dead eating flesh, but I didn't run...strange cars in my driveway...no repeats that I remember, just a jumble of images.

More tomorrow,
Love and Light and wishes for healing,
Maggie