i would love to try the course of miracles. i want more. i want to be more.
i read your post late last night and thought about it a lot. i am afraid. i fear rejection, i fear cruel words, i fear i am not good enough. but somehow fear doesn't go deep enough to explain or describe the deep, deep self-loathing instilled in us by church, family, society - especially as females.
i don't know how to even glimpse my value - i mean on an emotional, psychological level. logically i could say a lot, and it would make sense, be accepted, but it's just a social veneer.
i don't know if all women feel this way. and truthfully, i know men are oppressed, so maybe they also feel this way...
the catholic church taught me that i am evil, a temptress. men sin because of me. remember all the drama of having someone see underpants? we were bad. yet we had to wear skirts...
my kids ran naked in the backyard.
dad told us we were the problem. everything was our fault. i knew i destroyed his life simply by being born. logically, i see what i have written. but the little girl deep inside wonders if i am worthy enough to be here. after all, i'm just a problem. i definitely am stuck in this rut...i think this may be the core of my reluctance to ask for help.
and society...once i had breasts, i became a commodity.
self-loathing lies beneath the fear, supports it.
babies are up...more later...
love you,
clare
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