Woveness- I like that.
I do have a sense of being connected…
or interconnected with the beings and the earth.
I like that feeling- it makes me an integral part…
but only as important and vital as all of the rest.
I had a strange occurrence today- I ran across a couple from my Catholic days who I hadn't seen in years. We talked about music and what they are doing at my former parish. Then husband and I went for some ice cream tonight and a man in the shop asked if I still sing- he remembered me from my days at the Catholic church. Maybe I'm supposed to move back into music
This expansion is becoming a pain in the ass- or chest more literally. I've got 320 cc in each expander and their goal is 450cc. This morning, out of curiosity I measured my lumps and I'm at 37 inch bust- bigger than I want to be. Also because the expanders are almost full they are pushing outward into the axillary area which makes it uncomfortable to put my arms flat against my sides or lay on my side to sleep. I'm going to get a better idea of the reasoning for getting me bigger than I ultimately want to be next time I go into the plastics office.
I cannot imagine sleeping on the desert ground with these things…it'll be like rocks on rocks. That's what they feel like- rocks. My skin is numb, they are hard, but hurt when the muscles surrounding them go into spasm. They are also very high- I look as if I am wearing a push-up bra constantly and I haven't put a bra on since my surgery. These things don't move either. I can jump up and down and they just stay put. I am curious what the implants are going to be like. I hope they're a little more natural- although I love the idea of not ever wearing a bra again.
The Quaker farm school you told me about is closed. I met the former headmistress of the school today at Meeting. She is currently the clerk of New England Yearly Meeting. She grew up at Reading Meeting and is visiting my 90 year old friend/Friend.
I have had a difficult day. I am not sure why. We had tickets to see a country band this evening and I couldn't muster the energy to go. We ended up giving the tickets away. I sat with the feelings for a while and I think I'm incredibly afraid to bring my son home. He's doing so well in Az. But, he has to return to the real world at some point. The counselor told us that when they feel that the desert is their home and the world is wilderness it's time to return to the world. I cannot wait to see him and hear his stories. I just don't know if I can go through any more drug and alcohol issues. He wants to be sober. We all want him to be sober. But the temptations will be all around. Please hold him in the Light that he can maintain this lifestyle.
I am off to the southwest tomorrow. I will return on Saturday. I will catch up with you then. I hope that you have a wonderful week. I am very curious what your friend finds in the cards for you. Keep me posted.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
woveness
I just reread your last post. You were writing about connection. At night I try to sense my connections to my children and their beloveds and their kids. I get a sense of a web. But when I was reading your last post, I suddenly felt like I was far above, and instead of connections, I saw a woven oneness. Those connections make us part of all.
I noted your comment about your youngest son trying to maintain all of his connections. He will learn that we can't. Some people stay with us for a lifetime, but mostly they don't. They sort of add depth to our woveness! I think back to intense friendships during college for instance. I only remained closely attached to one person, and loosely attached to another. That's life.
The woven oneness feels right.
I went to a small music fest today. I saw three of my kids, two of their beloveds. I spent a lot of time with a sister-friend and with my youngest granddaughter. I felt connection. And you know, I felt that sense of belonging I have felt rarely before.
Nice.
Maybe my work each evening is bearing fruit, letting me know I am connected...
My psychic neighbor decides I need a read every few years. I never ask. I simply trust her. She said it's time. She wants to bring her cards over. I'll let you know if anything interesting happens.
How much bigger do your boobs have to get before this expansion period is over?
I look forward to hearing about your trip to Sedona...
Love and hugs,
Clare
I noted your comment about your youngest son trying to maintain all of his connections. He will learn that we can't. Some people stay with us for a lifetime, but mostly they don't. They sort of add depth to our woveness! I think back to intense friendships during college for instance. I only remained closely attached to one person, and loosely attached to another. That's life.
The woven oneness feels right.
I went to a small music fest today. I saw three of my kids, two of their beloveds. I spent a lot of time with a sister-friend and with my youngest granddaughter. I felt connection. And you know, I felt that sense of belonging I have felt rarely before.
Nice.
Maybe my work each evening is bearing fruit, letting me know I am connected...
My psychic neighbor decides I need a read every few years. I never ask. I simply trust her. She said it's time. She wants to bring her cards over. I'll let you know if anything interesting happens.
How much bigger do your boobs have to get before this expansion period is over?
I look forward to hearing about your trip to Sedona...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Feeling Fine
Clare,
You write about connection…
I think that's becoming more apparently important to me…
connection with each other…
connection to the earth…
connection with ourself.
It is strange how the connection between my older son has strengthened despite him being so far away. But we've written to each other. I think that writing is one of the best ways to be open with someone. You have time to consider your words…
they have time to read and re-read them.
It is a gift.
Last night husband, and a group of friends that we have through my younger daughter went to see her in a play. It was a great night. The show was face paced and funny. She was amazing, as were the other 3 actors. After the show she cried because of the people who came out to see her. She is really developing into an actress and a woman. The first scene, she is sitting in a theater box, with a black wig and a low cut black evening gown- my friend didn't know it was her until after the scene. We laughed about that.
Both daughters began their final years of college this past week. It is bittersweet…
they really are growing up.
The older is already planning on applying for Masters programs.
The younger wants to join a touring group or intern (paid, I hope) for a theater.
They both have direction and goals.
It's great to watch them develop and mature.
I think that's the missing piece for my son right now…
he lost direction and didn't create goals.
He wrote that he had given up on himself a long time ago.
But, that has changed in the desert.
A lot has changed in the desert.
My youngest is also away…
he asked to go to boarding school to escape the influences that affected his brother …
and that he was beginning to get pulled into.
He is at the Mennonite school- doing well.
But he has difficult transitions between the two worlds. I am hoping that he lets go of some of his friends here- the negative influences. But, for now he is struggling to maintain all contacts.
I am feeling very well- for the most part. Each week I get more fluid in my expanders and then for several days I feel as if I am in a vice- kind of like perpetual mammogram compression. Yesterday I had pectoral and shoulder pain after I walked…so I took a valium…my prescribed muscle relaxant. I fell asleep half an hour later. The Tamoxifen hasn't affected me too much except that it kills my appetite…and the things I crave when I am hungry are sugars and fats. I feel really good mentally and physically. I am walking, practicing gratitude, and seeing people I love…it's all good.
Next week we are going back to Sedona- to experience the vortices again. I found a map this time, so we should be more efficient at finding them. I also love the feel of that town. People just stop and talk. It's friendly, so it doesn't seem touristy. I will not be checking in here from Tuesday - Saturday next week…but them I'll be back
I hope that you have a wonderful day. I am grateful for you and our writing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
You write about connection…
I think that's becoming more apparently important to me…
connection with each other…
connection to the earth…
connection with ourself.
It is strange how the connection between my older son has strengthened despite him being so far away. But we've written to each other. I think that writing is one of the best ways to be open with someone. You have time to consider your words…
they have time to read and re-read them.
It is a gift.
Last night husband, and a group of friends that we have through my younger daughter went to see her in a play. It was a great night. The show was face paced and funny. She was amazing, as were the other 3 actors. After the show she cried because of the people who came out to see her. She is really developing into an actress and a woman. The first scene, she is sitting in a theater box, with a black wig and a low cut black evening gown- my friend didn't know it was her until after the scene. We laughed about that.
Both daughters began their final years of college this past week. It is bittersweet…
they really are growing up.
The older is already planning on applying for Masters programs.
The younger wants to join a touring group or intern (paid, I hope) for a theater.
They both have direction and goals.
It's great to watch them develop and mature.
I think that's the missing piece for my son right now…
he lost direction and didn't create goals.
He wrote that he had given up on himself a long time ago.
But, that has changed in the desert.
A lot has changed in the desert.
My youngest is also away…
he asked to go to boarding school to escape the influences that affected his brother …
and that he was beginning to get pulled into.
He is at the Mennonite school- doing well.
But he has difficult transitions between the two worlds. I am hoping that he lets go of some of his friends here- the negative influences. But, for now he is struggling to maintain all contacts.
I am feeling very well- for the most part. Each week I get more fluid in my expanders and then for several days I feel as if I am in a vice- kind of like perpetual mammogram compression. Yesterday I had pectoral and shoulder pain after I walked…so I took a valium…my prescribed muscle relaxant. I fell asleep half an hour later. The Tamoxifen hasn't affected me too much except that it kills my appetite…and the things I crave when I am hungry are sugars and fats. I feel really good mentally and physically. I am walking, practicing gratitude, and seeing people I love…it's all good.
Next week we are going back to Sedona- to experience the vortices again. I found a map this time, so we should be more efficient at finding them. I also love the feel of that town. People just stop and talk. It's friendly, so it doesn't seem touristy. I will not be checking in here from Tuesday - Saturday next week…but them I'll be back
I hope that you have a wonderful day. I am grateful for you and our writing.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, August 29, 2014
soul contract
Oh, and Diamonds in the Rust. It reminds me that we are never alone. You were being prepared for this moment. I think parents, especially have a psychic connection to the future and to their children.
What is happenning now is part of your family's soul contract.
Keep singing, my sister!
What is happenning now is part of your family's soul contract.
Keep singing, my sister!
Table Rock
Hi Maggie,
I'm excited for you to travel back to the desert, too. I'm hoping everyone is on the way to being healed. I'm surprised that your son chose a family home. It was not what I was expecting. But after staying there before he left for the program, he has a good idea what to expect. Our baby sister and her husband are good with kids...I hope for the best for all of us. I truly believe that as one of us heals, we all heal.
So, I know my kids like to be outdoors, a lot. Every chance they get, they retreat to nature. They are very experienced campers. Knowing this, I decided to take two pairs of shoes. I took my sandals, and I took a pair of sneakers. I thought. Actually I took two sneakers, two black sneakers, even - but they were from different pairs. So I wore sandals the whole time I was there.
(They shared a family joke/story. Once my son went to the grocery store with a list. He came home with everything except the carrots. He went back out for carrots, and came back with an assortment of goodies, but no carrots. The third time, he came back with only carrots. They were laughing, and I was able to stand up for him by reminding them that he is the son of a woman who traveled across the country with mismatched shoes.)
We went to a lake, but those trails were easy to walk on. The sandals were fine. I went on a tree sniffing walk with my daughter-in-law. The Jeffrey pine smells like butterscotch - it really does.
The next day we had some options. I/we chose to climb the Table Rocks, because once on top, we would be on the same level as the turkey vultures. I learned that the Klamath people call them Peace Eagles. I have decided that they are right, and am changing their name in my mind.
The trail for Table Rocks is two miles uphill, essing back and forth across steep terrain. I warned them that we would have to go slow. And I was right. I am not used to temperatures in the high 90s, nor to climbing steep hillsides. In sandals.
But we made it.
Because it was August, the top was golden dry. But it was open and expansive and there were peace eagles, some very close, some dancing on the warm updrafts. My daughter-in-law told me that there are some flowers that can be found only there, and a species of fairy shrimp, also found only there and only in the springtime. The flowers only blossom in the wet period, and they blossom in rings. It sounded like magic and I would love to see it. But even without the flowers, it was still magic.
We had a picnic, and hiked around the top. My son told me that the earth we were standing on was the original, ancient soil. It was a table because rivers eroded the rest of the earth down, way down. Standing on primordial earth appealed to me. I expected to feel the peace eagles and the ancient ones. Instead I "saw" lines of people dancing. They reminded me that we know who we are, and what we should be doing. They reminded me of balance, of being in balance.That old knowledge is still in us.
I feel like I brought some of them home with me.
There was one outcropping, just beyond some trees. I went and stood there, and knew I was on an island. I don't know exactly what it means, but it was a message. Then we started to walk back to the trail to start down. My granddaughter found a peace eagle feather, and asked her dad to carry her on his shoulders. She extended her arms, held the feather and "soared" across the table top.
Walking down was almost harder than walking up. I got real hot, but didn't sweat. I was beginning to feel a bit afraid. But I made it. I dumped cool water on my neck and face, then head and got into the air conditioned car.
I loved being up there with them. I had such a strong sense of family connection, the whole time I was there, really...
I hope you sleep well. How have you been feeling?
Love and hugs,
Clare
I'm excited for you to travel back to the desert, too. I'm hoping everyone is on the way to being healed. I'm surprised that your son chose a family home. It was not what I was expecting. But after staying there before he left for the program, he has a good idea what to expect. Our baby sister and her husband are good with kids...I hope for the best for all of us. I truly believe that as one of us heals, we all heal.
So, I know my kids like to be outdoors, a lot. Every chance they get, they retreat to nature. They are very experienced campers. Knowing this, I decided to take two pairs of shoes. I took my sandals, and I took a pair of sneakers. I thought. Actually I took two sneakers, two black sneakers, even - but they were from different pairs. So I wore sandals the whole time I was there.
(They shared a family joke/story. Once my son went to the grocery store with a list. He came home with everything except the carrots. He went back out for carrots, and came back with an assortment of goodies, but no carrots. The third time, he came back with only carrots. They were laughing, and I was able to stand up for him by reminding them that he is the son of a woman who traveled across the country with mismatched shoes.)
We went to a lake, but those trails were easy to walk on. The sandals were fine. I went on a tree sniffing walk with my daughter-in-law. The Jeffrey pine smells like butterscotch - it really does.
The next day we had some options. I/we chose to climb the Table Rocks, because once on top, we would be on the same level as the turkey vultures. I learned that the Klamath people call them Peace Eagles. I have decided that they are right, and am changing their name in my mind.
The trail for Table Rocks is two miles uphill, essing back and forth across steep terrain. I warned them that we would have to go slow. And I was right. I am not used to temperatures in the high 90s, nor to climbing steep hillsides. In sandals.
But we made it.
Because it was August, the top was golden dry. But it was open and expansive and there were peace eagles, some very close, some dancing on the warm updrafts. My daughter-in-law told me that there are some flowers that can be found only there, and a species of fairy shrimp, also found only there and only in the springtime. The flowers only blossom in the wet period, and they blossom in rings. It sounded like magic and I would love to see it. But even without the flowers, it was still magic.
We had a picnic, and hiked around the top. My son told me that the earth we were standing on was the original, ancient soil. It was a table because rivers eroded the rest of the earth down, way down. Standing on primordial earth appealed to me. I expected to feel the peace eagles and the ancient ones. Instead I "saw" lines of people dancing. They reminded me that we know who we are, and what we should be doing. They reminded me of balance, of being in balance.That old knowledge is still in us.
I feel like I brought some of them home with me.
There was one outcropping, just beyond some trees. I went and stood there, and knew I was on an island. I don't know exactly what it means, but it was a message. Then we started to walk back to the trail to start down. My granddaughter found a peace eagle feather, and asked her dad to carry her on his shoulders. She extended her arms, held the feather and "soared" across the table top.
Walking down was almost harder than walking up. I got real hot, but didn't sweat. I was beginning to feel a bit afraid. But I made it. I dumped cool water on my neck and face, then head and got into the air conditioned car.
I loved being up there with them. I had such a strong sense of family connection, the whole time I was there, really...
I hope you sleep well. How have you been feeling?
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Diamond in the Rust
Families are funny. Each has their own dynamic and hierarchy…
or dynamic hierarchy.
My family is in flux. We are probably going to be without children at home in the next two weeks. My older son decided to make a fresh start with S#5 to complete high school. Part of me is disappointed. Just when I got him sober and enjoyable to be around he's going to leave.
But, that is naive…
he will still struggle…
and I/we will still be here to support him.
My youngest wrote him a letter…
tempting/challenging him back into substance use…
I think it's going to be an incredible opportunity for the older brother to show younger what he's learned and his resolve.
I am so excited to travel next week…
to see him…
to hear his stories…
to look into his eyes and see the Light again.
Many years ago I began a song…
but never finished it.
I was reminded of it last week when I was composing a letter…
When I look into your eyes
I see nothing at all.
I wonder 'bout your life
the who, the what, the where,
the promise that you lost,
the fact that you don't care.
I shared that with my son…
telling him that is how I remember him when we parted ways…
I can't wait to write the next verse, after I see him.
My son wrote that one of his guides told him that heat and pressure can either burn you or make you a diamond…and she sees him as a diamond. The name of the unfinished song is Diamond in the Rust. How cool is that?
I see so many people who's inner Light has been dimmed or nearly extinguished. It is one of the saddest things I encounter. I sat face to face with a woman, younger than myself, who looked grayer than steel. She had no life in her eyes. I just wanted to tell her how incredible life really is…but she has to discover that in her own time…as the depression lifts.
I pray that everything works out for the family on the bus. I pray that we all find our way to happiness or at least fulfillment.
or dynamic hierarchy.
My family is in flux. We are probably going to be without children at home in the next two weeks. My older son decided to make a fresh start with S#5 to complete high school. Part of me is disappointed. Just when I got him sober and enjoyable to be around he's going to leave.
But, that is naive…
he will still struggle…
and I/we will still be here to support him.
My youngest wrote him a letter…
tempting/challenging him back into substance use…
I think it's going to be an incredible opportunity for the older brother to show younger what he's learned and his resolve.
I am so excited to travel next week…
to see him…
to hear his stories…
to look into his eyes and see the Light again.
Many years ago I began a song…
but never finished it.
I was reminded of it last week when I was composing a letter…
When I look into your eyes
I see nothing at all.
I wonder 'bout your life
the who, the what, the where,
the promise that you lost,
the fact that you don't care.
I shared that with my son…
telling him that is how I remember him when we parted ways…
I can't wait to write the next verse, after I see him.
My son wrote that one of his guides told him that heat and pressure can either burn you or make you a diamond…and she sees him as a diamond. The name of the unfinished song is Diamond in the Rust. How cool is that?
I see so many people who's inner Light has been dimmed or nearly extinguished. It is one of the saddest things I encounter. I sat face to face with a woman, younger than myself, who looked grayer than steel. She had no life in her eyes. I just wanted to tell her how incredible life really is…but she has to discover that in her own time…as the depression lifts.
I pray that everything works out for the family on the bus. I pray that we all find our way to happiness or at least fulfillment.
patterns
Hi Sister,
I wanted to share something that happened on the way home, on the bus, before I think about the time that I spent with the kids.
Riding the bus means spending long periods of time in intimately close quarters with strangers. I mean, we hear stories and exchange private stories, but we don't exchange names. It's very particular.
So I met this woman who was traveling with her teenage son. At one point, we were standing near each other in a line in a station somewhere in the midwest. We started the "Me too!" conversation. We were both in our 50s, both homeschooling single moms, both moved a lot when young, both went to a lot of schools...I had a moment when I felt like I was meeting a more vivacious version of myself. She sat behind me, with her son. A young man with a shaved head and heavily tattooed arms sat beside me. Across from us were two young women returning for the beginning of their junior years at some university.
We were talking about nutrition and life and stuff, when the Mom's phone rang. It was her oldest son, and he was freaking out. A friend had come to their house and stolen some items. He was so distraught, we could all hear him. Shewas trying to get him to breathe. He couldn't calm down,so she said she might need to call 911. He hung up on her, so she had her other son call him back. He was doing a better job of getting the oldest to listen. convincing him that Mom was not going to call the cops on him.
Meanwhile, the young man next to me said Mom seemed just like his mom. And his dad was a cop, so 911 was a goof idea.
The talk led to this young man talking about using hard drugs beginning at age 14. He was on his way to a rehab. The older son was also a heavy drinker/drug user.
All of this pain, all of this drama...can we ever escape? It is everywhere.
And probably because I have been helping a playwright translate and edit a play, it suddenly struck me that this could be a play. The characters are trapped together, and stories unfold, and in Denver everyone changed to a southbound bus, while I raced to catch mine. So I don't know how the story ended.
During the whole interaction, I noticed family patterns. There is something so human about the way we process our pain. We feel so alone, but we really aren't...
I love you, I miss you...my youngest, our nephew and I will all volunteer at a music fest to raise money for water issues this weekend. It should be fun. My oldest's partner will be performing. He whistles in some of his songs, which absolutely fascinates the baby.
Hope you have something fun and relaxing to do before you go fetch your boy!
Clare
I wanted to share something that happened on the way home, on the bus, before I think about the time that I spent with the kids.
Riding the bus means spending long periods of time in intimately close quarters with strangers. I mean, we hear stories and exchange private stories, but we don't exchange names. It's very particular.
So I met this woman who was traveling with her teenage son. At one point, we were standing near each other in a line in a station somewhere in the midwest. We started the "Me too!" conversation. We were both in our 50s, both homeschooling single moms, both moved a lot when young, both went to a lot of schools...I had a moment when I felt like I was meeting a more vivacious version of myself. She sat behind me, with her son. A young man with a shaved head and heavily tattooed arms sat beside me. Across from us were two young women returning for the beginning of their junior years at some university.
We were talking about nutrition and life and stuff, when the Mom's phone rang. It was her oldest son, and he was freaking out. A friend had come to their house and stolen some items. He was so distraught, we could all hear him. Shewas trying to get him to breathe. He couldn't calm down,so she said she might need to call 911. He hung up on her, so she had her other son call him back. He was doing a better job of getting the oldest to listen. convincing him that Mom was not going to call the cops on him.
Meanwhile, the young man next to me said Mom seemed just like his mom. And his dad was a cop, so 911 was a goof idea.
The talk led to this young man talking about using hard drugs beginning at age 14. He was on his way to a rehab. The older son was also a heavy drinker/drug user.
All of this pain, all of this drama...can we ever escape? It is everywhere.
And probably because I have been helping a playwright translate and edit a play, it suddenly struck me that this could be a play. The characters are trapped together, and stories unfold, and in Denver everyone changed to a southbound bus, while I raced to catch mine. So I don't know how the story ended.
During the whole interaction, I noticed family patterns. There is something so human about the way we process our pain. We feel so alone, but we really aren't...
I love you, I miss you...my youngest, our nephew and I will all volunteer at a music fest to raise money for water issues this weekend. It should be fun. My oldest's partner will be performing. He whistles in some of his songs, which absolutely fascinates the baby.
Hope you have something fun and relaxing to do before you go fetch your boy!
Clare
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
one last observation
We were posting at the same time. Just one last little bit. My kids used to get disrespectful at times. I told them that it was obvious that they had no respect for me, but I expected them to fake it anyway. They were not allowed to talk to me that way. My suggestion is to not accept it. Talk about it, work on it, but don't accept it.
I rad something once when my ex was being disrespectful and I was trying to understand. It said I would end up with the best analyzed man on the block, but it would not change a thing.
Maybe he's asking you both to man up, although he'll fight you when you do.
Love you very much,
Clare
I rad something once when my ex was being disrespectful and I was trying to understand. It said I would end up with the best analyzed man on the block, but it would not change a thing.
Maybe he's asking you both to man up, although he'll fight you when you do.
Love you very much,
Clare
listening
Hi Honey,
Wondering where you are in all of your family changes. Hoping it's all going well, and settles smoothly soon. If I can help, let me know.
I had two experiences on the bus that echoed each other I have been thinking about them - not sure of the lesson. I usually get in line and sit in the next available seat. So I was in the middle of an Amish crowd. Once we were seated, I was surrounded, completely surrounded, by Amish folk of all ages. Of course they were speaking Pennsylvania Dutch to each other. And what I noticed is that when you know others can't understand you, there's a freedom to raise your voice, to speak as loudly as you like.
Why do we do that? Most conversations were very quiet. But not the German one.
Later on, I got on a bus and a mother with four teenagers had put each one of her kids in their own double seat, completely surrounding her. I sat down with the youngest, a girl of 13 or 14. I think the mother was trying to get her to move, to go sit with her mother. But petulant teenage girl attitude is translatable into every language - she was not cooperating. The family seemed to be middle Asian, and maybe they were Sikh. The girls all had their hair down,but the two sons had their heads wrapped in colorful cloths, with top knots that seemed to hold their hair. That was interesting, because it seems most cultures force women to cover their hair, not the men.
Again, though, they spoke a different language, and loudly. The mother did eventually force the youngest to sit with her by asking me to change places with her. The whole interaction was strange.
But it was fascinating to sit in the middle of a group, listen to them speaking freely and pay attention to the intonation. I could tell who was a good story teller. I could interpret the culture, a little bit. For instance, the Amish men spent time listening to one young mother. They really seemed to care what she had to say.
For a language teacher, it was also interesting to experience that feeling of understanding nothing. I know my students feel that way sometimes, when we speak too fast or when they are tired and stressed or when they are just beginning to learn. I felt that way sometimes when I was learning Spanish, but the reminder will make me a better teacher.
I was not ready to come home when it was time to leave. I missed these kids a lot, and they welcomed me home and needed me. But there's a soft, open spot for the far away kids. I'm still feeling how much I miss them. I usually end up shutting that off, I can't stand the pain. But for now, I think I will savor it.
I hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Wondering where you are in all of your family changes. Hoping it's all going well, and settles smoothly soon. If I can help, let me know.
I had two experiences on the bus that echoed each other I have been thinking about them - not sure of the lesson. I usually get in line and sit in the next available seat. So I was in the middle of an Amish crowd. Once we were seated, I was surrounded, completely surrounded, by Amish folk of all ages. Of course they were speaking Pennsylvania Dutch to each other. And what I noticed is that when you know others can't understand you, there's a freedom to raise your voice, to speak as loudly as you like.
Why do we do that? Most conversations were very quiet. But not the German one.
Later on, I got on a bus and a mother with four teenagers had put each one of her kids in their own double seat, completely surrounding her. I sat down with the youngest, a girl of 13 or 14. I think the mother was trying to get her to move, to go sit with her mother. But petulant teenage girl attitude is translatable into every language - she was not cooperating. The family seemed to be middle Asian, and maybe they were Sikh. The girls all had their hair down,but the two sons had their heads wrapped in colorful cloths, with top knots that seemed to hold their hair. That was interesting, because it seems most cultures force women to cover their hair, not the men.
Again, though, they spoke a different language, and loudly. The mother did eventually force the youngest to sit with her by asking me to change places with her. The whole interaction was strange.
But it was fascinating to sit in the middle of a group, listen to them speaking freely and pay attention to the intonation. I could tell who was a good story teller. I could interpret the culture, a little bit. For instance, the Amish men spent time listening to one young mother. They really seemed to care what she had to say.
For a language teacher, it was also interesting to experience that feeling of understanding nothing. I know my students feel that way sometimes, when we speak too fast or when they are tired and stressed or when they are just beginning to learn. I felt that way sometimes when I was learning Spanish, but the reminder will make me a better teacher.
I was not ready to come home when it was time to leave. I missed these kids a lot, and they welcomed me home and needed me. But there's a soft, open spot for the far away kids. I'm still feeling how much I miss them. I usually end up shutting that off, I can't stand the pain. But for now, I think I will savor it.
I hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Confusing
The younger one has already asked about being an exchange student. The older one maybe…I can ask that. He is seriously considering moving in with S#5 to complete HS in a totally new setting. I have 3 options for him to choose from at this point.
I travel to pick him up next week. I cannot wait to see him. He sounds amazing in his letters. I am so looking forward to visiting the desert again. It was beautiful. I'll let you know how that goes.
We are having a lot of trouble with my younger son's transition to his new school. He loves it, has made friends, but is really disrespectful to husband and I when we are picking him up or dropping him off. He seems to take out all of the anxiety on us. It's so confusing. I keep telling myself and husband that it will resolve itself once this becomes more routine, but I've had it with being cursed at. I walk away or tell him I'm hanging up the phone now because I will not be spoken to in that way. It's such a strange turn of events. He was so close and open when we were looking for his school, now it's like I'm Mommy Dearest…he shares the "love" equally with husband too. I know he's testing boundaries. I know he's focusing the anxiety on those he trusts most to not leave. I've asked him to write down topics he needs to discuss this weekend…and we can talk. I just hope he stays focused and we get to the heart of the issue(s).
I had an expansion today…it's rather uncomfortable…kind of like having your chest in a vice (or 2 vices). I didn't pre-medicate because I drove myself, so I'm feeling even tighter than usual. I should only have about 4 more of these and then I wait for two months and then implant surgery. It will be nice to be finished with reconstruction.
I'm so glad you are back. I saw a few pictures on Facebook- it looks like you had a great time. I can't wait to hear some of your stories.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I travel to pick him up next week. I cannot wait to see him. He sounds amazing in his letters. I am so looking forward to visiting the desert again. It was beautiful. I'll let you know how that goes.
We are having a lot of trouble with my younger son's transition to his new school. He loves it, has made friends, but is really disrespectful to husband and I when we are picking him up or dropping him off. He seems to take out all of the anxiety on us. It's so confusing. I keep telling myself and husband that it will resolve itself once this becomes more routine, but I've had it with being cursed at. I walk away or tell him I'm hanging up the phone now because I will not be spoken to in that way. It's such a strange turn of events. He was so close and open when we were looking for his school, now it's like I'm Mommy Dearest…he shares the "love" equally with husband too. I know he's testing boundaries. I know he's focusing the anxiety on those he trusts most to not leave. I've asked him to write down topics he needs to discuss this weekend…and we can talk. I just hope he stays focused and we get to the heart of the issue(s).
I had an expansion today…it's rather uncomfortable…kind of like having your chest in a vice (or 2 vices). I didn't pre-medicate because I drove myself, so I'm feeling even tighter than usual. I should only have about 4 more of these and then I wait for two months and then implant surgery. It will be nice to be finished with reconstruction.
I'm so glad you are back. I saw a few pictures on Facebook- it looks like you had a great time. I can't wait to hear some of your stories.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
home
I'm home...lots more tomorrow. Now I have to get to bed, because I work tomorrow.
I left with kisses in my hand, and came home to Welcome Home Mima posters at the bus stop. Someone in the back of the bus said, "Ahhh..."
I feel loved.
I had another thought for your son. Do you think he would like to be an international exchange student and live with another family in another country for a year?
I have a lot of thoughts to share, but...tomorrow.
I love you.
Clare
I left with kisses in my hand, and came home to Welcome Home Mima posters at the bus stop. Someone in the back of the bus said, "Ahhh..."
I feel loved.
I had another thought for your son. Do you think he would like to be an international exchange student and live with another family in another country for a year?
I have a lot of thoughts to share, but...tomorrow.
I love you.
Clare
thoughts and ideas before I left
Hi Maggie,
Sit down. Take a deep breath. Everything is happening as it should. Way will open. Get into your heart and trust. And keep your eyes open for the right opportunity.
Woolman Semester is a 4 month program for high school juniors, seniors and kids in the gap year. They run the program twice a year. I highly recommend it, but I don't think it is what you are looking for right now. I think the programs begin in August and January. It is college level work. It filled in some of the social studies and English requirements my youngest had to complete for homeschooling. If I remember correctly, once she was home, she just had to complete one last math course.
My oldest homeschooled, and began taking 8 credits per semester at a local university when she was 16. Would your son consider that? Would that not be enough distance from the current situation? My oldest was terribly busy while doing this work.
There is a Quaker Farm School in New Hampshire that I have heard good things about...A young man I know attended. I'm not sure it's the best fit, but the isolation and the educational freedom might be just right.
I get on the bus again tomorrow afternoon. I have a 9 hour layover in a major city. Luckily, an old friend from college lives there, and so we will spend that time together. I am not ready to leave here. I always fit well with this family. But I am missing home. My youngest is struggling, a lot because of her knee coupled with a very mobile baby.
I think I will have a lot to share once home...oh, and you told me to go for the naked in the hot springs thing...I did it.
I will be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I love you.
Clare
Sit down. Take a deep breath. Everything is happening as it should. Way will open. Get into your heart and trust. And keep your eyes open for the right opportunity.
Woolman Semester is a 4 month program for high school juniors, seniors and kids in the gap year. They run the program twice a year. I highly recommend it, but I don't think it is what you are looking for right now. I think the programs begin in August and January. It is college level work. It filled in some of the social studies and English requirements my youngest had to complete for homeschooling. If I remember correctly, once she was home, she just had to complete one last math course.
My oldest homeschooled, and began taking 8 credits per semester at a local university when she was 16. Would your son consider that? Would that not be enough distance from the current situation? My oldest was terribly busy while doing this work.
There is a Quaker Farm School in New Hampshire that I have heard good things about...A young man I know attended. I'm not sure it's the best fit, but the isolation and the educational freedom might be just right.
I get on the bus again tomorrow afternoon. I have a 9 hour layover in a major city. Luckily, an old friend from college lives there, and so we will spend that time together. I am not ready to leave here. I always fit well with this family. But I am missing home. My youngest is struggling, a lot because of her knee coupled with a very mobile baby.
I think I will have a lot to share once home...oh, and you told me to go for the naked in the hot springs thing...I did it.
I will be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I love you.
Clare
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Too many questions
Clare,
I am glad that my son has chosen to attend a new school, but trying to find one with him absent is causing me enormous stress. I have stopped my reading and processing of our past behaviors because this is consuming me. It is my responsibility to have him ready for school when he returns- already 2 weeks into the term. And I am not getting much help from the program or my husband. Husband says thank you a lot, but there's no exploration. S#5 has offered to enroll him at her public school if we find no other options- so, at least I have a default plan. But, I don't want to send him away either…it's all very confusing and emotionally stressful for me.
I am trying to enroll him at the charter school that my daughter#2 attended, but he has to prepare an audition for them- I can't count on that option. I want to control this SO badly…and I can't.
I just have to listen, wait and trust.
My youngest is doing really well at his new school. He has joined a fall baseball team, associated with the school. His first game is Saturday morning. Husband took him his equipment last evening and he said that my son is so excited- exuberant was his description. I am thankful it is working out. My son made the decisions and initiated the move so it makes sense that he has a sense of ownership and is investing himself. It is a good thing. He has made friends with a young man from Hong Kong and several from Ethiopia…his life is very different than it was last week.
Tell me about the Woolman Semester. It is one thing that keeps coming back to me for my older son. Can he get a diploma? I remember your daughter saying it allowed her to complete her HS work, but how does that work?
Sorry, I am not a deep thinker today…
my mind is focused on details and questions.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am glad that my son has chosen to attend a new school, but trying to find one with him absent is causing me enormous stress. I have stopped my reading and processing of our past behaviors because this is consuming me. It is my responsibility to have him ready for school when he returns- already 2 weeks into the term. And I am not getting much help from the program or my husband. Husband says thank you a lot, but there's no exploration. S#5 has offered to enroll him at her public school if we find no other options- so, at least I have a default plan. But, I don't want to send him away either…it's all very confusing and emotionally stressful for me.
I am trying to enroll him at the charter school that my daughter#2 attended, but he has to prepare an audition for them- I can't count on that option. I want to control this SO badly…and I can't.
I just have to listen, wait and trust.
My youngest is doing really well at his new school. He has joined a fall baseball team, associated with the school. His first game is Saturday morning. Husband took him his equipment last evening and he said that my son is so excited- exuberant was his description. I am thankful it is working out. My son made the decisions and initiated the move so it makes sense that he has a sense of ownership and is investing himself. It is a good thing. He has made friends with a young man from Hong Kong and several from Ethiopia…his life is very different than it was last week.
Tell me about the Woolman Semester. It is one thing that keeps coming back to me for my older son. Can he get a diploma? I remember your daughter saying it allowed her to complete her HS work, but how does that work?
Sorry, I am not a deep thinker today…
my mind is focused on details and questions.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Seeing patterns
Hey Maggie,
I hope all is well. I have a feeling I'll be posting a lot
when I get home. But I'll try to check in here as much as
I can...
How are things?
The interesting thing about traveling by bus is that we end
up strange places at strange times...I was in Portland at
about 5:30 in the morning discussing Dante's Inferno with a
fellow traveler and a security guard. I found out fore
the first time that there is a special place in hell for
those who do nothing...those who see a problem and don't
help. those who know something is wrong and don't step in.
Then on Saturday night we were sitting on the back porch at
about 11:30 pm, watching for meteors and talking. My
daughter-in-law noted that in the future, people will look
back at this time and wonder why we didn't do anything.
I have been thinking a lot about this...about finding
strength or courage or maybe it is the loss of self
awareness, and compassionately stepping into someone else's
awareness,
I am glad that your older son has chosen to look for a new
school. I think that shows a remarkable awareness of
where he is.
I see the pattern you have described in my family. And
it is compounded by the fact that my in-laws played
favorites, making each of their children feel less than the
other. They played me against my
daughter-in-law. We never got close. My ex plays
the kids against each other. It changes, he doesn't
always have his faction. Then I wonder how I play into
it.
I will think about this, both in family of origin, and with
my kids now...
Love and hugs,
Clare
I hope all is well. I have a feeling I'll be posting a lot
when I get home. But I'll try to check in here as much as
I can...
How are things?
The interesting thing about traveling by bus is that we end
up strange places at strange times...I was in Portland at
about 5:30 in the morning discussing Dante's Inferno with a
fellow traveler and a security guard. I found out fore
the first time that there is a special place in hell for
those who do nothing...those who see a problem and don't
help. those who know something is wrong and don't step in.
Then on Saturday night we were sitting on the back porch at
about 11:30 pm, watching for meteors and talking. My
daughter-in-law noted that in the future, people will look
back at this time and wonder why we didn't do anything.
I have been thinking a lot about this...about finding
strength or courage or maybe it is the loss of self
awareness, and compassionately stepping into someone else's
awareness,
I am glad that your older son has chosen to look for a new
school. I think that shows a remarkable awareness of
where he is.
I see the pattern you have described in my family. And
it is compounded by the fact that my in-laws played
favorites, making each of their children feel less than the
other. They played me against my
daughter-in-law. We never got close. My ex plays
the kids against each other. It changes, he doesn't
always have his faction. Then I wonder how I play into
it.
I will think about this, both in family of origin, and with
my kids now...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Shining Light on yet another family dysfunction
Clare,
We moved the youngest into his dorm today. He seems so mature, and yet he's only 15…
wanting to be on his own…
in a safe way.
He was so nervous these past few days, today prolonged leaving the house for almost an hour…
But, once we got there and unloaded he sent us to Kmart for a few things and he stayed behind. When we returned he was playing pool with another boy/young man. He was pretty comfortable and sent us on our way…no tears…no big good bye…just an big hug and I love you.
My oldest will be home until Wednesday and then she returns to school. The older boy returns the weekend after labor day…so we will have some quiet time together…we had a night alone last night.
I actually drank a glass of wine in the hot tub…I'm not supposed to drink with the tamoxifen…but I had my wine and it was nice.
The letters from my older son are really showing growth and change. He is seeing how the drugs and the darkness had changed him…he is writing about the high that he achieves from a sense of accomplishment being greater than any high from a drug in the past. He wants a different school environment so now I am doing some work trying to find options that fit his needs. I am so happy with the changes that I feel are happening in him.
Husband and I go to pick him up the week following labor day. We are going out onto the desert for 3 days, camping…sleeping on the ground without a tent…hiking…eating trail food…seeing him with fresh eyes. I am so looking forward to it.
One of my biggest realizations is the alliances that we have formed within our family. I am closer with the girls than husband is. Son#1 comes to me when he needs something. The youngest goes to his dad. The girls heard my tales about the boys and took my side- becoming very tough with their brothers. We were definitely a family divided- I think that started when we were separated actually, but it's gotten worse. One of my resolutions is to maintain honesty, but to work towards a full family alliance in place of the factions. I think of our family of origin and see the pattern so clearly- and I replicated that within my own family subconsciously. Shining the Light on yet another inherited pattern of dysfunction.
I hope that all is going well out west. I look forward to hearing from you,
Love and Light,
Maggie
We moved the youngest into his dorm today. He seems so mature, and yet he's only 15…
wanting to be on his own…
in a safe way.
He was so nervous these past few days, today prolonged leaving the house for almost an hour…
But, once we got there and unloaded he sent us to Kmart for a few things and he stayed behind. When we returned he was playing pool with another boy/young man. He was pretty comfortable and sent us on our way…no tears…no big good bye…just an big hug and I love you.
My oldest will be home until Wednesday and then she returns to school. The older boy returns the weekend after labor day…so we will have some quiet time together…we had a night alone last night.
I actually drank a glass of wine in the hot tub…I'm not supposed to drink with the tamoxifen…but I had my wine and it was nice.
The letters from my older son are really showing growth and change. He is seeing how the drugs and the darkness had changed him…he is writing about the high that he achieves from a sense of accomplishment being greater than any high from a drug in the past. He wants a different school environment so now I am doing some work trying to find options that fit his needs. I am so happy with the changes that I feel are happening in him.
Husband and I go to pick him up the week following labor day. We are going out onto the desert for 3 days, camping…sleeping on the ground without a tent…hiking…eating trail food…seeing him with fresh eyes. I am so looking forward to it.
One of my biggest realizations is the alliances that we have formed within our family. I am closer with the girls than husband is. Son#1 comes to me when he needs something. The youngest goes to his dad. The girls heard my tales about the boys and took my side- becoming very tough with their brothers. We were definitely a family divided- I think that started when we were separated actually, but it's gotten worse. One of my resolutions is to maintain honesty, but to work towards a full family alliance in place of the factions. I think of our family of origin and see the pattern so clearly- and I replicated that within my own family subconsciously. Shining the Light on yet another inherited pattern of dysfunction.
I hope that all is going well out west. I look forward to hearing from you,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, August 15, 2014
Clare arrives…finally
Hey Sister,
It is obvious that I am a reactionary on every level. I really don't want a cell phone, although I can see the advantage at times. But so far, the disadvantages are so much more serious. And now I can't get into this site.
I am here. I have missed this family so much. I am so happy to have time with them.
I am here. I have missed you so much, and am glad I managed to get into my email - finally.
The trip out was thought provoking. I'll spill a little each day. The first day I had a two hour layover in a well-known city. I was confused about my gate, and asked. Then I heard another woman ask about the same bus. I smiled and told her we would be on the same trip. She is a truck driver, heading to Little Rock for further training. We talked about life, and it turned out she was also an army brat. We both lived on the same base - Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri - as children. I was 3 years old when we lived there. I told her I had vague memories of the quarters. I described the little I had, and she filled in details. Suddenly the kitchen was clear, the living room, the outside, and especially the upstairs, which I had really blocked. I remembered my room, being alone, being petrified. All of those childhood feelings came spilling through me. I was amazed at how real, how present those childhood pains were/are...maybe will be.
Seemed like quite a start to the trip.
I have been reading a bit about Robin William's death - but just a bit. It seems important to respect him and his family, and I have been avoiding the drama articles.
But what hit me hard, in thinking about it, in remembering my suicidal moments when I felt like I didn't matter, I was nothing, no one would notice if I was gone, or in fact the world might be better without me, I remembered the psychological pain. Then for some reason I started thinking about physical pain and pulling the plug when a person can't take any more pain. It is seen as a gesture of grace and loving. I guess it seems that since we can't see psychological pain, we can ignore it and tell people to Buck up, be strong...I have also been thinking about spiritual pain - because we are all three.
So, by my calculations, you may be without children for a while. Is this true? If the youngest is leaving for boarding school, the two oldest are back to college, and the oldest son is still in Arizona - it's just you and your husband...enjoy the quiet. It can be deafening.
I love you...I missed you here...
Clare
It is obvious that I am a reactionary on every level. I really don't want a cell phone, although I can see the advantage at times. But so far, the disadvantages are so much more serious. And now I can't get into this site.
I am here. I have missed this family so much. I am so happy to have time with them.
I am here. I have missed you so much, and am glad I managed to get into my email - finally.
The trip out was thought provoking. I'll spill a little each day. The first day I had a two hour layover in a well-known city. I was confused about my gate, and asked. Then I heard another woman ask about the same bus. I smiled and told her we would be on the same trip. She is a truck driver, heading to Little Rock for further training. We talked about life, and it turned out she was also an army brat. We both lived on the same base - Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri - as children. I was 3 years old when we lived there. I told her I had vague memories of the quarters. I described the little I had, and she filled in details. Suddenly the kitchen was clear, the living room, the outside, and especially the upstairs, which I had really blocked. I remembered my room, being alone, being petrified. All of those childhood feelings came spilling through me. I was amazed at how real, how present those childhood pains were/are...maybe will be.
Seemed like quite a start to the trip.
I have been reading a bit about Robin William's death - but just a bit. It seems important to respect him and his family, and I have been avoiding the drama articles.
But what hit me hard, in thinking about it, in remembering my suicidal moments when I felt like I didn't matter, I was nothing, no one would notice if I was gone, or in fact the world might be better without me, I remembered the psychological pain. Then for some reason I started thinking about physical pain and pulling the plug when a person can't take any more pain. It is seen as a gesture of grace and loving. I guess it seems that since we can't see psychological pain, we can ignore it and tell people to Buck up, be strong...I have also been thinking about spiritual pain - because we are all three.
So, by my calculations, you may be without children for a while. Is this true? If the youngest is leaving for boarding school, the two oldest are back to college, and the oldest son is still in Arizona - it's just you and your husband...enjoy the quiet. It can be deafening.
I love you...I missed you here...
Clare
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Suicide isn't painless- for anyone
Clare,
Things are moving fast, my youngest will be moving out this weekend. He starts classes in one week. He is excited, but also realizing that he is going through a major change. He is really brave- most kids his age would be so afraid to leave their comfort zone and move into a Brave New World. I am glad that he is doing within driving distance, just in case he needs assistance.
My older son is doing well. I just had a talk with his school guidance counselor, we are setting up his return. I am so nervous about sending him back to the same environment, but, he has to choose to say no at some point. At least this way we will be here to help him if he asks. I have offered to find him an alternative school if he chooses to not return. But, it has to be his choice.
A friend of mine's husband committed suicide in May, she is blogging about it and I read her almost daily. She had such a set-back with Robin William's suicide yesterday. I see people almost every day who have attempted suicide, or fantasized about it….
Why do we devalue life so much?
How much pain and darkness is present that death is the best alternative?
What if we just gave life one more chance?
I try to talk about life and Light and moving towards the Light or shining Light into those dark corners.
I met a young woman yesterday who has had 3 attempts- each time saved by her parents. Her parents sat with her through the interview- at her request. They were, all 3, so loving, accepting and supportive of each other. It broke my heart that she was still that sad and dark. But, she is asking for help, and that's the first step.
I always thought that our siblings' suicide attempts were because they didn't feel they had any support, no one to turn to. If I were that depressed I certainly wouldn't go to one of our parents, you or S#3 maybe/probably. But, now I see that no matter how much love and support you have, you can still get that low that ending your life seems the best answer. I have to rethink this now. I am having a flash-back to singing "Suicide is Painless", the theme from MASH at a high school assembly, solo right now. Very strange. Suicide isn't painless- for anyone- too much collateral damage.
My older son had an awakening last week that was interesting, I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but I think it's really deep and important. He has to cook everything on a steel cup over a fire, most of what they eat is starchy and sticky. So he realized that, if he cleans the cup right away it's easy. If he waits and lets the food build up it is like cement and is very difficult to get out. He was able to make the leap then to emotional honesty, particularly anger. If he learns to talk about it as it comes up he will have an easier time then if he lets it build up and gets "stuck". He is doing better. I am so happy for him.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Things are moving fast, my youngest will be moving out this weekend. He starts classes in one week. He is excited, but also realizing that he is going through a major change. He is really brave- most kids his age would be so afraid to leave their comfort zone and move into a Brave New World. I am glad that he is doing within driving distance, just in case he needs assistance.
My older son is doing well. I just had a talk with his school guidance counselor, we are setting up his return. I am so nervous about sending him back to the same environment, but, he has to choose to say no at some point. At least this way we will be here to help him if he asks. I have offered to find him an alternative school if he chooses to not return. But, it has to be his choice.
A friend of mine's husband committed suicide in May, she is blogging about it and I read her almost daily. She had such a set-back with Robin William's suicide yesterday. I see people almost every day who have attempted suicide, or fantasized about it….
Why do we devalue life so much?
How much pain and darkness is present that death is the best alternative?
What if we just gave life one more chance?
I try to talk about life and Light and moving towards the Light or shining Light into those dark corners.
I met a young woman yesterday who has had 3 attempts- each time saved by her parents. Her parents sat with her through the interview- at her request. They were, all 3, so loving, accepting and supportive of each other. It broke my heart that she was still that sad and dark. But, she is asking for help, and that's the first step.
I always thought that our siblings' suicide attempts were because they didn't feel they had any support, no one to turn to. If I were that depressed I certainly wouldn't go to one of our parents, you or S#3 maybe/probably. But, now I see that no matter how much love and support you have, you can still get that low that ending your life seems the best answer. I have to rethink this now. I am having a flash-back to singing "Suicide is Painless", the theme from MASH at a high school assembly, solo right now. Very strange. Suicide isn't painless- for anyone- too much collateral damage.
My older son had an awakening last week that was interesting, I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but I think it's really deep and important. He has to cook everything on a steel cup over a fire, most of what they eat is starchy and sticky. So he realized that, if he cleans the cup right away it's easy. If he waits and lets the food build up it is like cement and is very difficult to get out. He was able to make the leap then to emotional honesty, particularly anger. If he learns to talk about it as it comes up he will have an easier time then if he lets it build up and gets "stuck". He is doing better. I am so happy for him.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, August 8, 2014
Bon Voyage
I hope that you have a wonderful trip…
be safe…
check in with me when you get out there.
Did you send me an email this morning?
I tried to call you several times, sent and email and messaged Cecily.
If you need anything please just let me know specifically what you need.
My older son had several "bottom outs"…
he realizes that his brother is really alienated from him…
he thinks his decision to go away to school is his fault.
Luckily he has learned that each person os responsible for their own choices and actions…
but I'm not sure that he's letting go of the regret yet.
The other issue was my cancer.
He never wanted to listen or understand…
he just ignored it…
he was an ostrich…as my friend accurately called it.
He admitted to that he dreads the weekly letter delivery day because he expects to hear bad news about me and the cancer. He said just admitting that out loud made him feel so much lighter.
He just joined up with a band that has more experienced walkers…
and he is excited to learn from them…
he was also saddened because one of his band was so closed-hearted to the program that he had to leave the band…my son said the mood changed quickly after he was gone…and he expressed sadness that the other guy just couldn't open to the experience because he is having so many "awakenings".
I've asked him to begin to consider school when he returns…
whether he wants to return to the same HS or try a new school.
I've asked him to consider the pros and cons and then decide.
I hope that you have a safe and interesting trip. I love you. I will try to write daily, and hope to meet you again here soon.
Bon Voyage,
Maggie
be safe…
check in with me when you get out there.
Did you send me an email this morning?
I tried to call you several times, sent and email and messaged Cecily.
If you need anything please just let me know specifically what you need.
My older son had several "bottom outs"…
he realizes that his brother is really alienated from him…
he thinks his decision to go away to school is his fault.
Luckily he has learned that each person os responsible for their own choices and actions…
but I'm not sure that he's letting go of the regret yet.
The other issue was my cancer.
He never wanted to listen or understand…
he just ignored it…
he was an ostrich…as my friend accurately called it.
He admitted to that he dreads the weekly letter delivery day because he expects to hear bad news about me and the cancer. He said just admitting that out loud made him feel so much lighter.
He just joined up with a band that has more experienced walkers…
and he is excited to learn from them…
he was also saddened because one of his band was so closed-hearted to the program that he had to leave the band…my son said the mood changed quickly after he was gone…and he expressed sadness that the other guy just couldn't open to the experience because he is having so many "awakenings".
I've asked him to begin to consider school when he returns…
whether he wants to return to the same HS or try a new school.
I've asked him to consider the pros and cons and then decide.
I hope that you have a safe and interesting trip. I love you. I will try to write daily, and hope to meet you again here soon.
Bon Voyage,
Maggie
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I don't drink
I remember, when going through my Al-Anon phase of healing, that I read that there aren't bad kids. It's more that one kid is acting out the problems with the whole family. It is amazing that you are learning that and taking it all in. I think you were led to a really great program.
Does your son seem to have hit bottom yet? You said he may have glimmers of the pain he has caused his brothers.
And I'm glad your youngest has found a school he likes. I am so impressed that he knows what he needs and is not afraid to go for it.
I have a similar reaction to family get-togethers - Do I have to go? I don't drink, though. Perhaps I am afraid to let down my guard. I just stay quiet, stay near the edges, observe, wait for my chance to make a break. I guess I am kind of fascinated by these people who look like me, who I remember, sort of, from my childhood, but who are strangers. Except for you and S#3, my sibs are strangers.
I was thinking about Mom and Dad's Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary party, when we were commanded to make an appearance. I had a tough day, culminating in hitting two deer just as I got on the road. I totaled my car, and had to call and tell everyone I could not come. I had pretty mixed feelings. I was partly relieved. I was partly sad. I realized I wanted to come a little more than I suspected. I have very mixed feelings about family.
After I missed the anniversary party, I had two people offer to help...one would have lent me their car, the other would have driven. But no one said anything until it was too late.
Tomorrow I leave. I probably won't check in here again until sometime next week. I am tired, not quite packed, but I can't wait to see the kids.
I mentioned that my youngest's closest friend returned to an abusive boyfriend. Tonight she ended up in the ER. I think she's okay. She wanted to talk to my daughter, which is good. When she is with the abuser, she cuts all of us out of her life completely. It's like she is creating the perfect setting for the abuse to occur.
Going to go pack. Love you so much. I'll be back in a few days.
Clare
Does your son seem to have hit bottom yet? You said he may have glimmers of the pain he has caused his brothers.
And I'm glad your youngest has found a school he likes. I am so impressed that he knows what he needs and is not afraid to go for it.
I have a similar reaction to family get-togethers - Do I have to go? I don't drink, though. Perhaps I am afraid to let down my guard. I just stay quiet, stay near the edges, observe, wait for my chance to make a break. I guess I am kind of fascinated by these people who look like me, who I remember, sort of, from my childhood, but who are strangers. Except for you and S#3, my sibs are strangers.
I was thinking about Mom and Dad's Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary party, when we were commanded to make an appearance. I had a tough day, culminating in hitting two deer just as I got on the road. I totaled my car, and had to call and tell everyone I could not come. I had pretty mixed feelings. I was partly relieved. I was partly sad. I realized I wanted to come a little more than I suspected. I have very mixed feelings about family.
After I missed the anniversary party, I had two people offer to help...one would have lent me their car, the other would have driven. But no one said anything until it was too late.
Tomorrow I leave. I probably won't check in here again until sometime next week. I am tired, not quite packed, but I can't wait to see the kids.
I mentioned that my youngest's closest friend returned to an abusive boyfriend. Tonight she ended up in the ER. I think she's okay. She wanted to talk to my daughter, which is good. When she is with the abuser, she cuts all of us out of her life completely. It's like she is creating the perfect setting for the abuse to occur.
Going to go pack. Love you so much. I'll be back in a few days.
Clare
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Gaining insights
Clare,
There is a sense of allowing myself to miss my son as well. There are moments when I allow myself to think about him, his laugh or his "what's up Mamma?" (he's the only one who calls me Mamma)- and then I miss him terribly. Most of the time I've been channeling that energy into letters to him. I write to him almost daily even though he only gets the letters on Tuesdays- at least he has a bunch of them from me.
I've been able to gain some insight into our family dynamic through those letters. My fear that he will end up like some of our family members- abusive and/or addictive made me afraid to let him grow and explore. As he experimented I tightened my grip and he pushed back harder. And then I would just tighten my grip again- strangulating the vitality right out of him. I am so thankful that this program requires parental introspection and counseling as well. I have learned so much about my deeply held fears of how others would perceive me if my kids were drug abusers, or hurt others in order to get ahead in life…
both of those are valid…
but may or may not have been applicable to my kids…
or been my expectation if it weren't for our history.
I imposed or projected those onto them.
None of this is to say that we should have just let them live without rules or consequences…
but they needed to be fair, consistent, and based upon the present reality…
not my pent up neurotic fears.
I think I am going to visit Mom and Dad next weekend to try to talk with them about some of this. I've realized that my kids (especially the one in the desert) is following the example that I set for them…
if family is a pain-in-the-ass it's OK to ignore or avoid them. I've written about this to my son as well. I think maintaining healthy boundaries is important…
but, whenever there is a family gathering scheduled, the first thing I do is try to find a reason to not go.
I hate getting together…
I drink more alcohol when I am with family than at any other time in my life…
That being said…
I need to stop voicing those negative opinions and look at the opportunity that is there.
I have to change my thoughts and initial reaction and then it will be easier to go and enjoy myself.
The visit to the second school went well, but my son did not like it. It's very interesting- he says he is motivated by monetary success in life- he wants to be wealthy. We talk all of the time about happiness and fulfillment being more important, but at 15 the money interests him. So, he was convinced he would dislike the Mennonite school and "belong" at the prep school…
well he really liked the Mennonite school…
and dislike the prep school.
He felt they were "judgmental and subtly demeaning"…
Those were his words.
There is hope for this child, he can the difference between a genuine, caring welcome and being evaluated. So, now we wait to hear from the Mennonite school, if they accept him he will start in 2 weeks. Luckily we have so many "dorm room" necessities in the closets from the girls we should be in great shape to move him in.
I hope that you have a wonderful day today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
There is a sense of allowing myself to miss my son as well. There are moments when I allow myself to think about him, his laugh or his "what's up Mamma?" (he's the only one who calls me Mamma)- and then I miss him terribly. Most of the time I've been channeling that energy into letters to him. I write to him almost daily even though he only gets the letters on Tuesdays- at least he has a bunch of them from me.
I've been able to gain some insight into our family dynamic through those letters. My fear that he will end up like some of our family members- abusive and/or addictive made me afraid to let him grow and explore. As he experimented I tightened my grip and he pushed back harder. And then I would just tighten my grip again- strangulating the vitality right out of him. I am so thankful that this program requires parental introspection and counseling as well. I have learned so much about my deeply held fears of how others would perceive me if my kids were drug abusers, or hurt others in order to get ahead in life…
both of those are valid…
but may or may not have been applicable to my kids…
or been my expectation if it weren't for our history.
I imposed or projected those onto them.
None of this is to say that we should have just let them live without rules or consequences…
but they needed to be fair, consistent, and based upon the present reality…
not my pent up neurotic fears.
I think I am going to visit Mom and Dad next weekend to try to talk with them about some of this. I've realized that my kids (especially the one in the desert) is following the example that I set for them…
if family is a pain-in-the-ass it's OK to ignore or avoid them. I've written about this to my son as well. I think maintaining healthy boundaries is important…
but, whenever there is a family gathering scheduled, the first thing I do is try to find a reason to not go.
I hate getting together…
I drink more alcohol when I am with family than at any other time in my life…
That being said…
I need to stop voicing those negative opinions and look at the opportunity that is there.
I have to change my thoughts and initial reaction and then it will be easier to go and enjoy myself.
The visit to the second school went well, but my son did not like it. It's very interesting- he says he is motivated by monetary success in life- he wants to be wealthy. We talk all of the time about happiness and fulfillment being more important, but at 15 the money interests him. So, he was convinced he would dislike the Mennonite school and "belong" at the prep school…
well he really liked the Mennonite school…
and dislike the prep school.
He felt they were "judgmental and subtly demeaning"…
Those were his words.
There is hope for this child, he can the difference between a genuine, caring welcome and being evaluated. So, now we wait to hear from the Mennonite school, if they accept him he will start in 2 weeks. Luckily we have so many "dorm room" necessities in the closets from the girls we should be in great shape to move him in.
I hope that you have a wonderful day today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Home?
Hi Maggie,
My office seems to be where everyone congregates, and last night we congregated! I never had a private moment to write. Today is quieter.
The problem with home being where kids are is that, when you parent right, they grow up and leave you. They make their own homes. It struck me years ago that closest, immediate family is one's spouse. That's who we bond to when we leave our parents, and who we still have when the children are gone. If we are lucky...
I am grateful that four of my kids live nearby, they consider this home. And the fifth is homesick and wants to come back to our coast of the country. I am thrilled with the way my local grandchildren behave. Sometimes they are almost like siblings. When the last baby was born, my grandson went through some of the behaviors of an older sibling when a baby joins the family. It really touched my heart.
I have been thinking about carrying extra weight. Carolyn Myss might be partly right, but there's more. When I talked to my youngest's friends who were overweight, every one of them had been abused - almost all were sexually abused. And then we tend to be codependent. We'll do anything if you'll just like us. That's where the caretaker/codependent comes in. If we were likeable, we would not have been abused. So we try to be likeable.
The bracelet sounds very meaningful. What a thoughtful gift...
Next week at this time, I will be with my oldest son. I miss him all the time, but mostly I keep that feeling tamed. Now that I know I will see him soon, I am allowing myself to feel it. I really miss him so much.
I hope your trip to visit the boarding school is painless and exciting.
Love and hugs,
Clare
My office seems to be where everyone congregates, and last night we congregated! I never had a private moment to write. Today is quieter.
The problem with home being where kids are is that, when you parent right, they grow up and leave you. They make their own homes. It struck me years ago that closest, immediate family is one's spouse. That's who we bond to when we leave our parents, and who we still have when the children are gone. If we are lucky...
I am grateful that four of my kids live nearby, they consider this home. And the fifth is homesick and wants to come back to our coast of the country. I am thrilled with the way my local grandchildren behave. Sometimes they are almost like siblings. When the last baby was born, my grandson went through some of the behaviors of an older sibling when a baby joins the family. It really touched my heart.
I have been thinking about carrying extra weight. Carolyn Myss might be partly right, but there's more. When I talked to my youngest's friends who were overweight, every one of them had been abused - almost all were sexually abused. And then we tend to be codependent. We'll do anything if you'll just like us. That's where the caretaker/codependent comes in. If we were likeable, we would not have been abused. So we try to be likeable.
The bracelet sounds very meaningful. What a thoughtful gift...
Next week at this time, I will be with my oldest son. I miss him all the time, but mostly I keep that feeling tamed. Now that I know I will see him soon, I am allowing myself to feel it. I really miss him so much.
I hope your trip to visit the boarding school is painless and exciting.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Healing
Clare,
Home, to me, is where my kids are. I feel as if, after living here for 16 years, that we are home. I love this house and my animals and my stuff. I am settled here I think. I do have to say though that when I first went to Bald Head I wanted that to be my home…maybe that's my next home.
I don't think the excess weight is about feeling home-less. I think Caroline Myss said it best- it's an insulation from all of the emotions around you. You are a nurturer/caregiver who needs to protect yourself from others' energy….so you insulate yourself. If I didn't have bulimic traits I would probably be over weight as well.
My youngest really liked the first school. He is preparing for Tuesday's visit. I am looking forward to our adventure together. We are having dinner with S#4 tomorrow evening, but staying at a hotel near the school so we aren't late for the test…entrance exam. I am looking forward to seeing her and her husband, I'm not sure if the girls will be along.
I dread the drive though. I have a lot of pectoral muscle spasm when I drive. My healing is going pretty well. I was describing it to a friend today. Every week I go in and have fluid put into my expanders which puts me into spasm. They generally put 50 cc into each side, but I haven't been able to tolerate more than 25 cc since the first week. My chest muscles go into spasm and it feels as if my chest is in a vice (kind of like a perpetual mammogram squeezing) for several days. If I get a chill- I go into spasm. I went into spasm today scooping ice cream- my punishment for eating ice cream. I have 225cc in each side so far and the goal is 450 cc in each…so I am getting there slowly. This past week I started yoga- modified movements with my arms- and I have much less spasm. I am also taking a week off expansion because of my trip so hopefully I can tolerate more than 25 cc additional fluid.
My chest (lady lumps) feels like I have 2 rocks under my skin- they are rounded on the top- so I have a little cleavage (very little), but they are flat across the front and almost a shelf across the bottom. I find myself massaging my lady lumps in public sometimes if I have a spontaneous spasm- which must look quite interesting to the people around me. The discomfort will be worth it in the end, but there are times that I wonder why reconstruction seemed like a good option.
The Tamoxifen is making me as if I am in terminal PMS- I am craving sugar. I have given in to the craving too, which only feeds the beast. I need to stop it before it gets out of hand.
I definitely ovulated last week though- very painfully. I don't know if it was my ovaries protesting one last time. My reiki healer asked me what I was doing to my body- she said my organs were all confused- when I told her about the Tamoxifen she understood. I just keep telling my body it is to prevent further tumors, and to welcome it.
Mentally I am at a pretty good place. I sat in meeting today looking at a bracelet my oldest gave me just prior to surgery. It has a white bead- with water from the highest point on earth- and a black bead- with water from the lowest place on earth. I realized that cancer wasn't the darkest my life has ever been…even dealing with my son was a much darker episode- but the cycle moves around and I am coming back to the white bead. I have had many insights, particularly around my son's treatment and walking. I am doing well.
I love you, I will check in tomorrow if I can get wifi at the hotel.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Home, to me, is where my kids are. I feel as if, after living here for 16 years, that we are home. I love this house and my animals and my stuff. I am settled here I think. I do have to say though that when I first went to Bald Head I wanted that to be my home…maybe that's my next home.
I don't think the excess weight is about feeling home-less. I think Caroline Myss said it best- it's an insulation from all of the emotions around you. You are a nurturer/caregiver who needs to protect yourself from others' energy….so you insulate yourself. If I didn't have bulimic traits I would probably be over weight as well.
My youngest really liked the first school. He is preparing for Tuesday's visit. I am looking forward to our adventure together. We are having dinner with S#4 tomorrow evening, but staying at a hotel near the school so we aren't late for the test…entrance exam. I am looking forward to seeing her and her husband, I'm not sure if the girls will be along.
I dread the drive though. I have a lot of pectoral muscle spasm when I drive. My healing is going pretty well. I was describing it to a friend today. Every week I go in and have fluid put into my expanders which puts me into spasm. They generally put 50 cc into each side, but I haven't been able to tolerate more than 25 cc since the first week. My chest muscles go into spasm and it feels as if my chest is in a vice (kind of like a perpetual mammogram squeezing) for several days. If I get a chill- I go into spasm. I went into spasm today scooping ice cream- my punishment for eating ice cream. I have 225cc in each side so far and the goal is 450 cc in each…so I am getting there slowly. This past week I started yoga- modified movements with my arms- and I have much less spasm. I am also taking a week off expansion because of my trip so hopefully I can tolerate more than 25 cc additional fluid.
My chest (lady lumps) feels like I have 2 rocks under my skin- they are rounded on the top- so I have a little cleavage (very little), but they are flat across the front and almost a shelf across the bottom. I find myself massaging my lady lumps in public sometimes if I have a spontaneous spasm- which must look quite interesting to the people around me. The discomfort will be worth it in the end, but there are times that I wonder why reconstruction seemed like a good option.
The Tamoxifen is making me as if I am in terminal PMS- I am craving sugar. I have given in to the craving too, which only feeds the beast. I need to stop it before it gets out of hand.
I definitely ovulated last week though- very painfully. I don't know if it was my ovaries protesting one last time. My reiki healer asked me what I was doing to my body- she said my organs were all confused- when I told her about the Tamoxifen she understood. I just keep telling my body it is to prevent further tumors, and to welcome it.
Mentally I am at a pretty good place. I sat in meeting today looking at a bracelet my oldest gave me just prior to surgery. It has a white bead- with water from the highest point on earth- and a black bead- with water from the lowest place on earth. I realized that cancer wasn't the darkest my life has ever been…even dealing with my son was a much darker episode- but the cycle moves around and I am coming back to the white bead. I have had many insights, particularly around my son's treatment and walking. I am doing well.
I love you, I will check in tomorrow if I can get wifi at the hotel.
Love and Light,
Maggie
home
Hi Maggie,
It's a rainy day today. The whole day has been kind of gray. I watch, I think - my mind wanders, I forget as everything slithers out of my brain.
My grandkids stayed over last night. They like to fall asleep in my bed. Now that they are older and bigger, I leave them there and go sleep on the couch. This morning, really early, I woke up. I was aware of all the sleeping beings in my house - my daughter, nephew, three grandchildren, three dogs, and my cat-companion, and I was also aware of a feeling of complete serenity. It felt so much like home, like I was in the right nest.
I think one of the things that has plagued me most of my life is not feeling at home. It sort of pairs with always being afraid, which I have to admit has lessened a lot since we have bonded and have met here every day. Because we moved every year as children, I never learned how to root...until the first time I came to this hill overlooking this lake. Something in me exhaled...I felt at home.
This house felt the same. Like this is where I could work and live and play and maybe even pray.
S#3 and I have talked about this before. She says she still does not feel at home, she does not know what it means to be at home.
Does any of this resonate with you?
I was wondering why S#3 and I are the siblings that show our pain with excess weight. Does it tie with not understanding how to be at home, or maybe - how to root?
How are you feeling, love? How have your weekend, your school tour, and your homework gone?
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
It's a rainy day today. The whole day has been kind of gray. I watch, I think - my mind wanders, I forget as everything slithers out of my brain.
My grandkids stayed over last night. They like to fall asleep in my bed. Now that they are older and bigger, I leave them there and go sleep on the couch. This morning, really early, I woke up. I was aware of all the sleeping beings in my house - my daughter, nephew, three grandchildren, three dogs, and my cat-companion, and I was also aware of a feeling of complete serenity. It felt so much like home, like I was in the right nest.
I think one of the things that has plagued me most of my life is not feeling at home. It sort of pairs with always being afraid, which I have to admit has lessened a lot since we have bonded and have met here every day. Because we moved every year as children, I never learned how to root...until the first time I came to this hill overlooking this lake. Something in me exhaled...I felt at home.
This house felt the same. Like this is where I could work and live and play and maybe even pray.
S#3 and I have talked about this before. She says she still does not feel at home, she does not know what it means to be at home.
Does any of this resonate with you?
I was wondering why S#3 and I are the siblings that show our pain with excess weight. Does it tie with not understanding how to be at home, or maybe - how to root?
How are you feeling, love? How have your weekend, your school tour, and your homework gone?
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
Saturday, August 2, 2014
progress
Hi Maggie,
My oldest was in Godspell when she was 12 or 13. She did quite a bit of theater. I remember so clearly. Her hair was very long, and glistened in the light. She was one of those actresses that people noticed. I saw many rehearsals and many performances of the show. I wish I lived closer and were more mobile. I would love to come to your daughter's shows. Wish her luck from me, please.
Having our nephew here has been pretty easy. He and my youngest had a few moments of getting used to each other and dealing with expectations. But he is actually quite easy to get along with. He is a pacifist, which appeals to me. And he steps in and helps if he is needed. He transitioned from guest to family fairly easily. In reality, the transition is still occurring, but he has been so great with my daughter and her leg injury, and helping with the baby.
And since I've known him from birth, it doesn't seem like there's a man living here...
And S#3 did get him a car. She's doing paperwork at home and will send the temp tags ASAP. Progress!
I have also been thinking about the pyramid, and finding ways to be less pointed, less sharp - to provide something a little easier to balance upon. We can offer stability...
Grandkids here sleeping. My turn!
Love from Clare
My oldest was in Godspell when she was 12 or 13. She did quite a bit of theater. I remember so clearly. Her hair was very long, and glistened in the light. She was one of those actresses that people noticed. I saw many rehearsals and many performances of the show. I wish I lived closer and were more mobile. I would love to come to your daughter's shows. Wish her luck from me, please.
Having our nephew here has been pretty easy. He and my youngest had a few moments of getting used to each other and dealing with expectations. But he is actually quite easy to get along with. He is a pacifist, which appeals to me. And he steps in and helps if he is needed. He transitioned from guest to family fairly easily. In reality, the transition is still occurring, but he has been so great with my daughter and her leg injury, and helping with the baby.
And since I've known him from birth, it doesn't seem like there's a man living here...
And S#3 did get him a car. She's doing paperwork at home and will send the temp tags ASAP. Progress!
I have also been thinking about the pyramid, and finding ways to be less pointed, less sharp - to provide something a little easier to balance upon. We can offer stability...
Grandkids here sleeping. My turn!
Love from Clare
balancing pyramids
Clare,
I'm glad that everything worked out with S#3's visit. Was she able to find a car for her son?
I hope that his being a part of your household isn't making you feel as if you need to be so controlling. Have you stopped to wonder what effect bringing a man into your household has had? He isn't a child that you can control, and yet he is living as a guest in your house. It's a precarious position.
I had not known that about the Mennonites- I will look into it. We travel on Monday to look at the other school. I just wrote a letter to my older son explaining the younger's desire to move to a private school, a boarding school. He is just coming to the awakening that he has hurt his brother deeply- I was torn about telling him. On one hand he should know the truth but I don't want him to link it to his actions and carry guilt. So, I erred on the side of truth and full disclosure.
We took a 6 mile walk today (husband and I) as part of our "homework". It was great, we got all talked out after about 5 miles and were able to just walk in silence for the final mile- that's the best part of walking for me- silence. Or at least, my brain being quiet.
I like the idea of us perched upon our parents' pyramid, and them on theirs' and so forth. It really does show how important that ancestral foundation is. But, the challenge in that is to fortify our own sense of self, so that we strengthen our own base- despite what's been given to us over the generations.
Tonight we are seeing Godspell. Daughter #2 is stage managing this production so we can see her and the fruits of her labor. She them goes into rehearsal for a play that she has the lead female role in. She is busy, but that keeps her happy. She was offered a work-study job as the assistant to the theater dept. director- so that will occupy a lot of her time when the semester ends. Both girls are starting their final years of college this month. It's so hard to believe.
Love and Light,
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
I'm glad that everything worked out with S#3's visit. Was she able to find a car for her son?
I hope that his being a part of your household isn't making you feel as if you need to be so controlling. Have you stopped to wonder what effect bringing a man into your household has had? He isn't a child that you can control, and yet he is living as a guest in your house. It's a precarious position.
I had not known that about the Mennonites- I will look into it. We travel on Monday to look at the other school. I just wrote a letter to my older son explaining the younger's desire to move to a private school, a boarding school. He is just coming to the awakening that he has hurt his brother deeply- I was torn about telling him. On one hand he should know the truth but I don't want him to link it to his actions and carry guilt. So, I erred on the side of truth and full disclosure.
We took a 6 mile walk today (husband and I) as part of our "homework". It was great, we got all talked out after about 5 miles and were able to just walk in silence for the final mile- that's the best part of walking for me- silence. Or at least, my brain being quiet.
I like the idea of us perched upon our parents' pyramid, and them on theirs' and so forth. It really does show how important that ancestral foundation is. But, the challenge in that is to fortify our own sense of self, so that we strengthen our own base- despite what's been given to us over the generations.
Tonight we are seeing Godspell. Daughter #2 is stage managing this production so we can see her and the fruits of her labor. She them goes into rehearsal for a play that she has the lead female role in. She is busy, but that keeps her happy. She was offered a work-study job as the assistant to the theater dept. director- so that will occupy a lot of her time when the semester ends. Both girls are starting their final years of college this month. It's so hard to believe.
Love and Light,
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
Friday, August 1, 2014
arms out...
Hi Maggie,
It sounds as if things are serene in your home, right now. How are you healing?
I like some things about Mennonite - they are one of the three major peace churches. But I have one problem. A bit of history - when it became apparent that I had to walk away from the Catholic church, and after six months with no spiritual community, I began researching churches. My ex suggested we explore Mennonite. So I went to a few services. I couldn't get past their belief that this world is a punishment, and we just need to get through this pain and sorrow to meet our reward. And then I realized that my ex's "we" was me and the kids. He wasn't planning to attend. So, I wonder how much they share this belief in school. I hate to strip away the joy of living - even in the midst of such pain and anguish - this is still a beautiful planet and it is a gift to be here.
So S#3 was here overnight. I apologized for being controlling, about worrying about kids and dogs during lessons. She didn't know what I was talking about. When I explained, she said she sends kids to the third floor when she has to talk to a client.
Perhaps I judge myself too harshly...(please stop rolling your eyes at me)...
I know my words, the way I lash out at myself, can be harsh, but I'm truly trying to understand who I am and how I am in the world. I'm trying to figure out how I control things, and if it's healthy. My own vision of myself is of being spontaneous. I remember Mom once told me I was, back when I was a teen. I know age has mellowed that, but I wonder if it is true, or comparatively true, or if I have a need to control...
I was thinking about your discipline pyramid, thinking that our pyramid is perilously perched on our parents' pyramid - and they are poking us right in our self view and relationship with the world. They either give us balance, or deny it to us. When denied, we spend too much of our lives with our arms extended, seeking either balance or something to hang onto.
How is your husband doing with this self searching?
Hope you having a relaxing weekend!!
Love from Clare
It sounds as if things are serene in your home, right now. How are you healing?
I like some things about Mennonite - they are one of the three major peace churches. But I have one problem. A bit of history - when it became apparent that I had to walk away from the Catholic church, and after six months with no spiritual community, I began researching churches. My ex suggested we explore Mennonite. So I went to a few services. I couldn't get past their belief that this world is a punishment, and we just need to get through this pain and sorrow to meet our reward. And then I realized that my ex's "we" was me and the kids. He wasn't planning to attend. So, I wonder how much they share this belief in school. I hate to strip away the joy of living - even in the midst of such pain and anguish - this is still a beautiful planet and it is a gift to be here.
So S#3 was here overnight. I apologized for being controlling, about worrying about kids and dogs during lessons. She didn't know what I was talking about. When I explained, she said she sends kids to the third floor when she has to talk to a client.
Perhaps I judge myself too harshly...(please stop rolling your eyes at me)...
I know my words, the way I lash out at myself, can be harsh, but I'm truly trying to understand who I am and how I am in the world. I'm trying to figure out how I control things, and if it's healthy. My own vision of myself is of being spontaneous. I remember Mom once told me I was, back when I was a teen. I know age has mellowed that, but I wonder if it is true, or comparatively true, or if I have a need to control...
I was thinking about your discipline pyramid, thinking that our pyramid is perilously perched on our parents' pyramid - and they are poking us right in our self view and relationship with the world. They either give us balance, or deny it to us. When denied, we spend too much of our lives with our arms extended, seeking either balance or something to hang onto.
How is your husband doing with this self searching?
Hope you having a relaxing weekend!!
Love from Clare
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