Clare,
What a great weekend. I am intrigued, what was the reaction of the men when you told them of your journey?
I do understand that we were programmed to feel unworthy, but there are so many who feel they have to project a persona to be accepted, personally, professionally, in almost any realm. What do we humans want to hide...it's like Adam and Eve who his themselves in the garden...I know its allegorical, but it points to a human condition.
Is everyone scarred? Is everyone taught to hide? Do we instinctually know to do this?
How many truly vulnerable people do you know? I can say that, from my experience, there aren't many.
I was reading the Gospel of Phillip last night again...it said that when a life is created with love and intention the life is fully human. Perhaps we need more intentional love.
I had a random thought this week that's stayed with me, so I will share it...
I was thinking about light and how it is so dark in outer space...it is darkness until there is an object to reflect the light back to the eye.
When we talk about shining the Light into our darkest corners what will we see?
I am still trying to figure this out...
We saw daughter #2's play again today. She is really good in this role. The review said that she plays the part with "cool sensuality" and that she "commands the stage and keeps the audience guessing about what she is up to". She's so tired, but she loves acting.
I will check in with you tomorrow,
Maggie
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Pie and queries
Sweet day with my grandson. We made pie because that is his favorite food in the world, and his answer to every request, "What would you like?"
My pie crust has the deserved title of being edible cardboard. It was a little tougher today because it was played with even more than usual. But we also made Shepherd's Pie!
I have been thinking about the private lives of people, and that none of us is perfect. And everyone I know holds themself to a higher standard than anyone else ever possibly would. And we continue to internally berate, and even despise ourself even when the behavior and the pain are in the past.
Why do we do that? What blocks us from loving and accepting and forgiving ourself? What is the pay-back, the reward for bearing this burden for a lifetime?
Night...C.
My pie crust has the deserved title of being edible cardboard. It was a little tougher today because it was played with even more than usual. But we also made Shepherd's Pie!
I have been thinking about the private lives of people, and that none of us is perfect. And everyone I know holds themself to a higher standard than anyone else ever possibly would. And we continue to internally berate, and even despise ourself even when the behavior and the pain are in the past.
Why do we do that? What blocks us from loving and accepting and forgiving ourself? What is the pay-back, the reward for bearing this burden for a lifetime?
Night...C.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Expectations
So nice that you are having a daughters weekend with your beautiful girls. I am having a Friend's weekend. I thought we were going to be exploring the idea of leadings and our own leadings today. Instead what we were looking at was the state of meeting and the leadings we feel as a meeting.
What we feel is that we want to be connected with each other. It was so deep and heart-filling to see that this longing I have to be a joined meeting - to be safe and connected - is shared by all of us. We all want to be united in Spirit, at least during worship.
And one of the ways to do that is to be vulnerable with each other, to open our hearts and share. Wasn't I just ripe for this?
We had to break into small groups - mine was three - and share an "Aha!" moment that changed our understanding. My group-mates were two men I have known for about 15 years. We were instructed to go for a walk and take turns talking. No questions, no comments, just listening to each other. After everyone shared, we could ask questions. I decided to go for broke and talk about Grandma's haunting me and the breakthrough of understanding what happened to us. We walked down to the lake, and as I spoke I was between the two of them - almost shoulder to shoulder as we walked. And I felt safe. It was so blessed to feel safe.
There was another moment that made an impact. Someone asked why Friends used to have such profound experiences during meeting for worship, as compared to today when we seem to be lost and floundering. And the answer was simple. In the past, Friends expected to be changed by meeting. Each time they entered into the silence they expected something that would change them. And it occurred to me that that is what we are doing here. We are struggling together, and expecting change.
Why do we hide? The first thought that comes to mind is that because when we were innocent, forthright, inquisitive, gorgeous little girls we were told we were fat, ugly, a burden, so shut up and go away. We learned very young that who we were was not loveable. So we can't be that. We'd rather pretend and be accepted than be authentic and be cold, isolated, abandoned. The problem goes deeper because we didn't know what to do to be okay. We didn't know how to act to be acceptable. One day Dad loved us and laughed at us, the next, when we were acting the same, we were the cause of all evil in his life. We were You damned kids.
I don't know if I understand ego well enough to know how much ego impacts our reactions.
Today we did an exercise of recognizing each other's gifts. I was afraid that my list would be...nothing, words that don't mean much. Instead I found that my meeting sees me as someone who speaks the truth and lives the truth. I was relieved and touched. Maybe they do see me...
Love to you all,
Happy Weekend!
Clare
What we feel is that we want to be connected with each other. It was so deep and heart-filling to see that this longing I have to be a joined meeting - to be safe and connected - is shared by all of us. We all want to be united in Spirit, at least during worship.
And one of the ways to do that is to be vulnerable with each other, to open our hearts and share. Wasn't I just ripe for this?
We had to break into small groups - mine was three - and share an "Aha!" moment that changed our understanding. My group-mates were two men I have known for about 15 years. We were instructed to go for a walk and take turns talking. No questions, no comments, just listening to each other. After everyone shared, we could ask questions. I decided to go for broke and talk about Grandma's haunting me and the breakthrough of understanding what happened to us. We walked down to the lake, and as I spoke I was between the two of them - almost shoulder to shoulder as we walked. And I felt safe. It was so blessed to feel safe.
There was another moment that made an impact. Someone asked why Friends used to have such profound experiences during meeting for worship, as compared to today when we seem to be lost and floundering. And the answer was simple. In the past, Friends expected to be changed by meeting. Each time they entered into the silence they expected something that would change them. And it occurred to me that that is what we are doing here. We are struggling together, and expecting change.
Why do we hide? The first thought that comes to mind is that because when we were innocent, forthright, inquisitive, gorgeous little girls we were told we were fat, ugly, a burden, so shut up and go away. We learned very young that who we were was not loveable. So we can't be that. We'd rather pretend and be accepted than be authentic and be cold, isolated, abandoned. The problem goes deeper because we didn't know what to do to be okay. We didn't know how to act to be acceptable. One day Dad loved us and laughed at us, the next, when we were acting the same, we were the cause of all evil in his life. We were You damned kids.
I don't know if I understand ego well enough to know how much ego impacts our reactions.
Today we did an exercise of recognizing each other's gifts. I was afraid that my list would be...nothing, words that don't mean much. Instead I found that my meeting sees me as someone who speaks the truth and lives the truth. I was relieved and touched. Maybe they do see me...
Love to you all,
Happy Weekend!
Clare
Again with the questions??????
Last night I had the great fortune of my oldest coming home for the weekend.
She is 'canning' for Thon...a PSU tradition...individuals and groups raise money from September to February and then the have a dance marathon...3 days of nonstop dancing for the lucky ones who get to participate. Canning means that she and her friends stand at intersections with big coffee cans and ask for donations from passersby.
She loves doing this so much. I am really grateful that she sees value in the effort to help others...the money goes for research at Hershey Medical Center for pediatric cancers.
Their motto is, "for the kids" (FTK).
It makes me sad to think that so many kids are neglected and abused when there is all of this love and energy going out to the ones who are sick.
Somehow the sickness makes them more special...which I understand..they have special needs...
but all kids are special...
all kids deserve people investing their time and energy to allow them to grow and mature in a whole and healthy way...In a perfect world!
I also had the opportunity to see daughter #2 play the lead female role in a murder mystery...it was an Agatha Christie play and she played this cold calculating woman who manages to get her husband acquitted from murder charges. In the end she reveals that her actions were all out of love for this husband...but in the process she has to break his heart. She was very good in the role.
I don't understand these facades that we put on.
Like the cactus...and the masks I've worn for most of my life...why don't we just allow our real self to be seen?
How are we programmed for this?
I know it's not a characteristic that is unique to us.
I read about it in human behavior books.
Why do we separate ourselves and maintain distance at such a cost to living an authentic life?
Who are we protecting?
It can't be that we are protecting ourselves because the masks do not allow us to grow and connect with others.
Is it specifically our ego?
Does the ego have that much power over the rest of the personality?
So how are we programmed for self protection at the expense of personal growth?
Too many questions...
I will have to think about all of this.
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
She is 'canning' for Thon...a PSU tradition...individuals and groups raise money from September to February and then the have a dance marathon...3 days of nonstop dancing for the lucky ones who get to participate. Canning means that she and her friends stand at intersections with big coffee cans and ask for donations from passersby.
She loves doing this so much. I am really grateful that she sees value in the effort to help others...the money goes for research at Hershey Medical Center for pediatric cancers.
Their motto is, "for the kids" (FTK).
It makes me sad to think that so many kids are neglected and abused when there is all of this love and energy going out to the ones who are sick.
Somehow the sickness makes them more special...which I understand..they have special needs...
but all kids are special...
all kids deserve people investing their time and energy to allow them to grow and mature in a whole and healthy way...In a perfect world!
I also had the opportunity to see daughter #2 play the lead female role in a murder mystery...it was an Agatha Christie play and she played this cold calculating woman who manages to get her husband acquitted from murder charges. In the end she reveals that her actions were all out of love for this husband...but in the process she has to break his heart. She was very good in the role.
I don't understand these facades that we put on.
Like the cactus...and the masks I've worn for most of my life...why don't we just allow our real self to be seen?
How are we programmed for this?
I know it's not a characteristic that is unique to us.
I read about it in human behavior books.
Why do we separate ourselves and maintain distance at such a cost to living an authentic life?
Who are we protecting?
It can't be that we are protecting ourselves because the masks do not allow us to grow and connect with others.
Is it specifically our ego?
Does the ego have that much power over the rest of the personality?
So how are we programmed for self protection at the expense of personal growth?
Too many questions...
I will have to think about all of this.
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
Friday, September 28, 2012
Meet you in the heart chakra!!
Reading about the Borderline Personality led me to wonder if there is a passive face and an aggressive face. I certainly do not intrude myself into other's lives, but I have welcomed intrusion. There's that duality of life again. I have been drawn into drama, and enjoyed the angst that separates me from facing my own reality - all those demons chewing on my entrails, challenging me to find the limit of the pain I can tolerate. Too bad we live in a culture that rewards us for bearing a lot of pain. I think I have moved past the worse of it...
...But I worry about it. I had a deep conversation with a man about his abusive childhood. I could feel my heart opening, not in sympathy, not in Me, too, but in: I could save you! I recognized the pattern, though, and backed off. I am learning, but I am still worried about myself...
When I was married, people frequently said, "Oh, you are so strong!" I was praised for my endurance. Was I just being a good girl by being quiet and smiling, not letting anyone see me slip...but unfortunately, never letting anyone see me smile, either - because I didn't!
Sometimes I think I am a cactus. I am all prickly on the outside. You can't get close to me because I'll poke you. I just wish people knew I was soft and refreshing and giving and life-sustaining on the inside. If I go with this, though, someone has to take a slice of me to get to the center...so I think I'll stop being a cactus!!
We need to create a safe place, a place where we are seen and recognized and honored and welcomed. Once I am safe, I will ask for help, and I will know when to put my hand out to support you...covalescently.
I like the idea of covalence, of sharing electrons and becoming something new. The more I think about it, the more I like it!
When I wrote the lament post yesterday, part of me was berating myself for whining. But another part of me remembered birthing. We take two steps forward, one step back. Slowly, we make progress, and there is something new - a whole new creation. We are rebirthing ourselves, in a way. Another realization was that I take the logic that we offer each other and understand, but it doesn't completely reformat my thinking patterns. I need those moments of sorrow and feeling lost or bereft. The emotion takes the logic and makes it real.
So I will continue crying and whining and being a little out of control - a little wild - knowing I will come back to balance...and I will meet you in the heart chakra!!
Passionately,
Clare
I will be at a Quaker retreat all day tomorrow. We are going to be thinking about our leadings. I expect to have a lot to share, if I can organize my thoughts...we'll see!
...But I worry about it. I had a deep conversation with a man about his abusive childhood. I could feel my heart opening, not in sympathy, not in Me, too, but in: I could save you! I recognized the pattern, though, and backed off. I am learning, but I am still worried about myself...
When I was married, people frequently said, "Oh, you are so strong!" I was praised for my endurance. Was I just being a good girl by being quiet and smiling, not letting anyone see me slip...but unfortunately, never letting anyone see me smile, either - because I didn't!
Sometimes I think I am a cactus. I am all prickly on the outside. You can't get close to me because I'll poke you. I just wish people knew I was soft and refreshing and giving and life-sustaining on the inside. If I go with this, though, someone has to take a slice of me to get to the center...so I think I'll stop being a cactus!!
We need to create a safe place, a place where we are seen and recognized and honored and welcomed. Once I am safe, I will ask for help, and I will know when to put my hand out to support you...covalescently.
I like the idea of covalence, of sharing electrons and becoming something new. The more I think about it, the more I like it!
When I wrote the lament post yesterday, part of me was berating myself for whining. But another part of me remembered birthing. We take two steps forward, one step back. Slowly, we make progress, and there is something new - a whole new creation. We are rebirthing ourselves, in a way. Another realization was that I take the logic that we offer each other and understand, but it doesn't completely reformat my thinking patterns. I need those moments of sorrow and feeling lost or bereft. The emotion takes the logic and makes it real.
So I will continue crying and whining and being a little out of control - a little wild - knowing I will come back to balance...and I will meet you in the heart chakra!!
Passionately,
Clare
I will be at a Quaker retreat all day tomorrow. We are going to be thinking about our leadings. I expect to have a lot to share, if I can organize my thoughts...we'll see!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
synergism
So Clare, I am wondering if joy and contentment come from connecting with others...
why do we work so hard to keep others at a distance?
You talk about a baby crying, wanting and needing to be attended to...
but when someone pays attention we feel embarrassed, ashamed that we needed someone else...
couldn't handle it on our own...had to ask for help...
its a double edged sword.
It makes me think of Borderline Personality Disorder...
I am not diagnosing, just showing an extreme example...
the borderline pulls people in, very quickly ingratiating themselves to you and insinuating themselves into your 'circle'...once they feel as if they safely 'have' you they begin to tear you apart, emotionally. Then, when you've just about had enough, they go back to building you back up...just to once again tear you down...they have been seriously hurt as children and cannot allow themselves to trust or expect someone to love them.
The child inside of us is crying for attention...for our needs to be met...
but terrified of having another human see us in our vulnerability.
Let's go back to the concept of Covalence-
two or more atoms...each needing the other's electrons to achieve stability...
and by sharing the electrons a different molecule is created....different than the atoms that are the components.
By looking for others who have strengths where we are weak and weakness where we are strong and joining them in friendship, and mutual support we can create something that is better than the sum of the parts...
synergism at its best.
So, to answer your rhetorical question; I believe that we have the ability to catch up to our healthier peers...if we reach out and connect to others...in community.
I feel as if my progress on this journey has significantly slowed down...
I feel as if I am resting, gaining strength for the next leg of the journey...
I need to go deeply into my heart chakra and see what my needs are...
try to find my way through this block.
Keep pulling me forward.
I am afraid that I am distracted by my studies and schedule...
I will have to try to balance all of this...
balance...
that's a good goal.
Love,
Maggie
why do we work so hard to keep others at a distance?
You talk about a baby crying, wanting and needing to be attended to...
but when someone pays attention we feel embarrassed, ashamed that we needed someone else...
couldn't handle it on our own...had to ask for help...
its a double edged sword.
It makes me think of Borderline Personality Disorder...
I am not diagnosing, just showing an extreme example...
the borderline pulls people in, very quickly ingratiating themselves to you and insinuating themselves into your 'circle'...once they feel as if they safely 'have' you they begin to tear you apart, emotionally. Then, when you've just about had enough, they go back to building you back up...just to once again tear you down...they have been seriously hurt as children and cannot allow themselves to trust or expect someone to love them.
The child inside of us is crying for attention...for our needs to be met...
but terrified of having another human see us in our vulnerability.
Let's go back to the concept of Covalence-
two or more atoms...each needing the other's electrons to achieve stability...
and by sharing the electrons a different molecule is created....different than the atoms that are the components.
By looking for others who have strengths where we are weak and weakness where we are strong and joining them in friendship, and mutual support we can create something that is better than the sum of the parts...
synergism at its best.
So, to answer your rhetorical question; I believe that we have the ability to catch up to our healthier peers...if we reach out and connect to others...in community.
I feel as if my progress on this journey has significantly slowed down...
I feel as if I am resting, gaining strength for the next leg of the journey...
I need to go deeply into my heart chakra and see what my needs are...
try to find my way through this block.
Keep pulling me forward.
I am afraid that I am distracted by my studies and schedule...
I will have to try to balance all of this...
balance...
that's a good goal.
Love,
Maggie
Momentary Lament
I walked to the library today. It was gorgeous and walking always frees my mind. I found a milk snake on the road, and I encouraged it to get off to the side. It didn't seem to welcome the savior-me. Checked on it on the way home, and it was not road kill. It was gone and I was grateful.
Had a strange chain of thoughts. Thinking about a peer, exactly my age, with an equal number of kids. We are equally talented, equally intelligent, equally beautiful. She seems more stable and is definitely happier. The only difference that came to me is that she came from a very supportive, loving home.
I wonder how long it takes to overcome that lack springing from our early youth. Do we ever catch up with our healthier peers?
Pensively,
Clare
Had a strange chain of thoughts. Thinking about a peer, exactly my age, with an equal number of kids. We are equally talented, equally intelligent, equally beautiful. She seems more stable and is definitely happier. The only difference that came to me is that she came from a very supportive, loving home.
I wonder how long it takes to overcome that lack springing from our early youth. Do we ever catch up with our healthier peers?
Pensively,
Clare
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Simply Joy
I think this fear of nature, fear of anything that is not self, even fear of each other is violence in its purest form. We are shredded from our connections and left bereft, floating alone in what should be a deep, rich, loving, inviting, warm and gooey experience. Life should be so much fun, but instead I feel like that infant crying alone, wishing someone would come to me and pick me up, soothe me and tell me it will be all right. But we are controllable when we are alone and afraid. We are powerful when we are connected and beloved. So it benefits those in power to have a sad, timid population. We will change the world when we shine from our hearts and connect with each other - no shame, no fear, simply joy!
When you are having a hard time putting words and thoughts together - release them, follow them. See where they go and try to put words on it later...
In my dream, I had the strongest impression/understanding that I was wrestling with myself. The man's smug nastiness is something I hate in myself, although I don't really feel that or express that any more. And like the man in the dream/TV show, I keep my distance. I don't know if I was calming sexual fear as much as reassuring him/myself of adult status.
I am solving something, and accepting myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm healing!
I have had a few male friends, who were truly friends. Once I got married, though, that was against the rules my ex made and I ended up obeying. He said he knew he could trust me, but he couldn't trust other men, and so I had to keep my distance.
My male friends taught me a lot about the way they thought and behaved. One in particular felt like he had to make a move. I suggested that if we got romantic, we would lose our friendship. We decided our friendship was more important, and so we spent a lot of time together. My other really close guy friend was gay. That made everything easy!
I tried to open the letter you attached, and there's something blocking me. I will try again.
I am tired today...maybe it's the change in weather.
Tomorrow, little sister...Love to you!
C.
When you are having a hard time putting words and thoughts together - release them, follow them. See where they go and try to put words on it later...
In my dream, I had the strongest impression/understanding that I was wrestling with myself. The man's smug nastiness is something I hate in myself, although I don't really feel that or express that any more. And like the man in the dream/TV show, I keep my distance. I don't know if I was calming sexual fear as much as reassuring him/myself of adult status.
I am solving something, and accepting myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm healing!
I have had a few male friends, who were truly friends. Once I got married, though, that was against the rules my ex made and I ended up obeying. He said he knew he could trust me, but he couldn't trust other men, and so I had to keep my distance.
My male friends taught me a lot about the way they thought and behaved. One in particular felt like he had to make a move. I suggested that if we got romantic, we would lose our friendship. We decided our friendship was more important, and so we spent a lot of time together. My other really close guy friend was gay. That made everything easy!
I tried to open the letter you attached, and there's something blocking me. I will try again.
I am tired today...maybe it's the change in weather.
Tomorrow, little sister...Love to you!
C.
in a funk
We have been raised to fear the wild...
the forest...
its animals...
the insects...
even the plants...
I smile as I can hear husband warning the kids not to go off the lawn or they'll get poison ivy...
he has an aversion to poison ivy.
Where did that come from?
Who believed that humans would be better off separated from other animals and the earth?
My brain is in a funk today...tired but I rested well last night...
I am having trouble putting ideas together...
The dream is fascinating...
what does it mean to you?
I love the part where you reassure the little man that the size of his genitalia doesn't matter because you haven't seen a man in a while. It is interesting that by your acknowledging his sexual fears and reassurance from you he was able to trust and enter the heart chakra.
I have often wished for a true male friend. I would like, for one time in my life, to be able to trust and open to a male and not be interpreted as sexual. I would like to be valued for just being me...Maggie...not as a potential 'partner'. To listen to them and to understand how men think and process.
Yesterday, I was working on a educational program and came across this letter on line. I thought it took great courage to write this letter. The woman had years of multiple, vague pains and ailments. She improved after the remembering and telling of her abuse. She describes her healing, especially healing her broken heart. It is difficult to read, but the message is one that needs to be heard.
http://acestudy.org/yahoo_site_admin/assets/docs/Dear_Doctor.12893135.pdf
Blessings,
Maggie
the forest...
its animals...
the insects...
even the plants...
I smile as I can hear husband warning the kids not to go off the lawn or they'll get poison ivy...
he has an aversion to poison ivy.
Where did that come from?
Who believed that humans would be better off separated from other animals and the earth?
My brain is in a funk today...tired but I rested well last night...
I am having trouble putting ideas together...
The dream is fascinating...
what does it mean to you?
I love the part where you reassure the little man that the size of his genitalia doesn't matter because you haven't seen a man in a while. It is interesting that by your acknowledging his sexual fears and reassurance from you he was able to trust and enter the heart chakra.
I have often wished for a true male friend. I would like, for one time in my life, to be able to trust and open to a male and not be interpreted as sexual. I would like to be valued for just being me...Maggie...not as a potential 'partner'. To listen to them and to understand how men think and process.
Yesterday, I was working on a educational program and came across this letter on line. I thought it took great courage to write this letter. The woman had years of multiple, vague pains and ailments. She improved after the remembering and telling of her abuse. She describes her healing, especially healing her broken heart. It is difficult to read, but the message is one that needs to be heard.
http://acestudy.org/yahoo_site_admin/assets/docs/Dear_Doctor.12893135.pdf
Blessings,
Maggie
Dream - wrestling with myself
Just woke up and wanted to share a dream before it completely disappears from my memory...I had a dream about having two dreams. I was dreaming about a small man, based on a character from a television program I watched.
We all worked together, so I was there, other family members were there. The man was stunted, and humiliated and furious. He found silent, but nasty ways to hurt people. He could be charming but he heard every detail, and nothing escaped him, and he could turn any little tidbit of info into a weapon.
It is hazy, but at first I was beginning to understand how he worked, how he hurt others in order to protect himself. Then we had a friendly conversation and I accidentally spoke about an incestuous situation in the family, and I knew he was going to hurt us. He began to lash out and set up a vengeful, painful scenario and I grabbed him, and put my arms around him and pulled him close to my heart. He began to shrink to child size. I calmly, soothingly told him to get into his heart, everything was okay, get into his heart. His clothes started to shrink and he began to panic because his genitalia was too small for an adult male. I told him I hadn't seen a naked man for so long, I wouldn't even know the difference, and he relaxed and went into his heart chakra.
Last "scene" - he was calm, friendly, relaxed, hadn't hurt anyone of us, and was looking for a new job somewhere else...
Wasn't there a Bible story about someone wrestling inner demons? My life has reached Biblical proportions...ha!
Love, Clare
We all worked together, so I was there, other family members were there. The man was stunted, and humiliated and furious. He found silent, but nasty ways to hurt people. He could be charming but he heard every detail, and nothing escaped him, and he could turn any little tidbit of info into a weapon.
It is hazy, but at first I was beginning to understand how he worked, how he hurt others in order to protect himself. Then we had a friendly conversation and I accidentally spoke about an incestuous situation in the family, and I knew he was going to hurt us. He began to lash out and set up a vengeful, painful scenario and I grabbed him, and put my arms around him and pulled him close to my heart. He began to shrink to child size. I calmly, soothingly told him to get into his heart, everything was okay, get into his heart. His clothes started to shrink and he began to panic because his genitalia was too small for an adult male. I told him I hadn't seen a naked man for so long, I wouldn't even know the difference, and he relaxed and went into his heart chakra.
Last "scene" - he was calm, friendly, relaxed, hadn't hurt anyone of us, and was looking for a new job somewhere else...
Wasn't there a Bible story about someone wrestling inner demons? My life has reached Biblical proportions...ha!
Love, Clare
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wilding
I think there are two kinds of fear. We have irrational fears that pop out of nowhere, and speaking for myself, paralyze me. That is when I retreat into serenity, but make no mistake - it is a retreat. I am unreachable. Then there are those fears that are logical and wise - the ones that keep us alive. The irrational fears are the ones I am trying to recognize, face and dismiss - do that Buddhist thing of bless then release. But they are so real, that sometimes I can't make space. I can't get enough distance to be calm and logical and rational. I am just panicking, silently trapped inside myself. I think the seeds of these parts of self are what we are trying to find in the swamp. I think, maybe, that when we recognize one of the irrational fears, we should give ourselves a little hug, then block it from view. It is appropriate.
If we are going to look at fear, then why do I fear compliments and love and admiration and strokes? Why do I fear attachment? Success draws me, yet petrifies me. I want to be recognized for doing something unique or doing something well...but only if no one really sees me. What has been twisted in my brain, and how do I unbraid this? Probably by doing something shiny and see what happens next - both internally and externally.
To reach out is to get messy...I think this is what I meant when I said I wanted to get dirty.
I finished Women Who Run With the Wolves last night. I was so excited, so emotional about The Wolf's Eyelash. In the story/poem, wolves are not the killers of fairy tale reputation. If you help, they are grateful and offer a gift. And the eyelash allowed the woman who freed the wolf from a trap and treated its foot to see beyond facade - to see kindness and goodness, to recognize suffering...to see truth.
I think that since humans evolved with the forest, we are tied to the trees in ways we can't even fathom. The trees hold the ancient knowledge and are willing to share. One of the ways of taming us was to create fear of the forest. And to create fear of the creatures who live in the forest. I dream of the Hicks painting, of creatures relaxing together, without fear, coming to life with a human in it.
I think one of the wildest things I ever did was sleep "under the stars" in the national forest. I slept in a sleeping bag under a shagbark hickory with my head surrounded by blossoming Mayapples. I was not in a tent, though. I did not have that man-made shelter to visually block the wild.
I also think that the tree of life we memorize in basic biology, the evolution of one celled to many celled to sea creature to land creature, the separation of plant world and animals world - it's only one way to see our relationships. And it's a segregative way of seeing. I see plants, who emerged from the sea and learned how to survive on land as our direct ancestors. These first plants that figured out how to hold the sea within are our kidney medicines. They still generously teach our organism to maintain this balance. The trees can teach us so much, as can the ancient ones - the horsetail, the dragonflies, the turtles...
We have been separated from this ancient knowing by fear. We are afraid of the forest, afraid of the bears, terrified by the wolves. I wonder if I would be afraid of a wolf if I met one in the wild...Could I trust the ancient connection within?
I wonder about howling. I think of howling with pain, but also howling with laughter. I love to lay in the dark on summer nights and listen to the coyotes howl. They touch something deep in my soul. For several summers we slept outside for the whole summer. I learned the coyotes pattern of coming nearer each night, then moving further away. I was not afraid. Howling feels lonely, even when there is a group...is that just in my soul?
And now, I am going to step into weird...after I finished reading and turned off the light, went through my nightly ritual of holding each child in the Light...my beloved border collie, who passed about five years ago was with me. She was with the other border collie who was part of my family. They stayed with me for a long time. I realized she was not my spirit dog or companion. She is my soul sister. Her loving essence is experiencing dog maybe to help me/us/women get back to wolf, to rediscover our inner wilding...
Thank you so much for the gift of the book. I truly appreciate you!!
I know this is your busy day, and I hope I haven't overwhelmed you by going off at such length...and I know there is a family birthday today...so when you are back...Love to you and yours.
Clare
If we are going to look at fear, then why do I fear compliments and love and admiration and strokes? Why do I fear attachment? Success draws me, yet petrifies me. I want to be recognized for doing something unique or doing something well...but only if no one really sees me. What has been twisted in my brain, and how do I unbraid this? Probably by doing something shiny and see what happens next - both internally and externally.
To reach out is to get messy...I think this is what I meant when I said I wanted to get dirty.
I finished Women Who Run With the Wolves last night. I was so excited, so emotional about The Wolf's Eyelash. In the story/poem, wolves are not the killers of fairy tale reputation. If you help, they are grateful and offer a gift. And the eyelash allowed the woman who freed the wolf from a trap and treated its foot to see beyond facade - to see kindness and goodness, to recognize suffering...to see truth.
I think that since humans evolved with the forest, we are tied to the trees in ways we can't even fathom. The trees hold the ancient knowledge and are willing to share. One of the ways of taming us was to create fear of the forest. And to create fear of the creatures who live in the forest. I dream of the Hicks painting, of creatures relaxing together, without fear, coming to life with a human in it.
I think one of the wildest things I ever did was sleep "under the stars" in the national forest. I slept in a sleeping bag under a shagbark hickory with my head surrounded by blossoming Mayapples. I was not in a tent, though. I did not have that man-made shelter to visually block the wild.
I also think that the tree of life we memorize in basic biology, the evolution of one celled to many celled to sea creature to land creature, the separation of plant world and animals world - it's only one way to see our relationships. And it's a segregative way of seeing. I see plants, who emerged from the sea and learned how to survive on land as our direct ancestors. These first plants that figured out how to hold the sea within are our kidney medicines. They still generously teach our organism to maintain this balance. The trees can teach us so much, as can the ancient ones - the horsetail, the dragonflies, the turtles...
We have been separated from this ancient knowing by fear. We are afraid of the forest, afraid of the bears, terrified by the wolves. I wonder if I would be afraid of a wolf if I met one in the wild...Could I trust the ancient connection within?
I wonder about howling. I think of howling with pain, but also howling with laughter. I love to lay in the dark on summer nights and listen to the coyotes howl. They touch something deep in my soul. For several summers we slept outside for the whole summer. I learned the coyotes pattern of coming nearer each night, then moving further away. I was not afraid. Howling feels lonely, even when there is a group...is that just in my soul?
And now, I am going to step into weird...after I finished reading and turned off the light, went through my nightly ritual of holding each child in the Light...my beloved border collie, who passed about five years ago was with me. She was with the other border collie who was part of my family. They stayed with me for a long time. I realized she was not my spirit dog or companion. She is my soul sister. Her loving essence is experiencing dog maybe to help me/us/women get back to wolf, to rediscover our inner wilding...
Thank you so much for the gift of the book. I truly appreciate you!!
I know this is your busy day, and I hope I haven't overwhelmed you by going off at such length...and I know there is a family birthday today...so when you are back...Love to you and yours.
Clare
Monday, September 24, 2012
we have nothing to fear, but fear itself
Clare,
I missed you 8 years ago. B#4 and I would have honestly driven up and picked you up that evening.
I am taken back by looking at fear in our own eyes...
I don't know how to answer that one.
There are so many things that I see when I look into my own eyes...
I don't want fear to be one of them.
I see hope...
potential...
light...
love...
energy...
I think that if fear is there I am subconsciously blocking it from my view.
It pops up when certain triggers occur...
I think that's understandable...
I am trying not to allow fear to make me go into automatic reaction mode...
protect your self at all costs...
even if it means separating vital parts of yourself away from the outward persona.
I did that for far too long.
But I feel as if what you said has a sense of guidance to it.
Perhaps I should be looking at the fear...or fears...inside of myself.
Maybe I should redraw that fear picture and see if it's changed.
Perhaps, now that I have thought about the fears of being trapped and physically restrained by unknown entities and being abandoned and helpless, perhaps I can look deeper.
Perhaps the external sources of fear aren't my deepest fears?
Perhaps I fear things that are within me?
That, in itself is a scary prospect.
I will have to ruminate about that more.
The reaching out honestly to others can get messy...
but it is the only way to build genuine connection...
authentic relationship...
devoid of power struggles, and ulterior motives, and parasitic attachments.
It is one of those things that challenges us to be more than we think we are...
to be a better version of ourself.
Me Too is simple, but never easy.
Sorry, time for homework.
I love you,
Maggie
I missed you 8 years ago. B#4 and I would have honestly driven up and picked you up that evening.
I am taken back by looking at fear in our own eyes...
I don't know how to answer that one.
There are so many things that I see when I look into my own eyes...
I don't want fear to be one of them.
I see hope...
potential...
light...
love...
energy...
I think that if fear is there I am subconsciously blocking it from my view.
It pops up when certain triggers occur...
I think that's understandable...
I am trying not to allow fear to make me go into automatic reaction mode...
protect your self at all costs...
even if it means separating vital parts of yourself away from the outward persona.
I did that for far too long.
But I feel as if what you said has a sense of guidance to it.
Perhaps I should be looking at the fear...or fears...inside of myself.
Maybe I should redraw that fear picture and see if it's changed.
Perhaps, now that I have thought about the fears of being trapped and physically restrained by unknown entities and being abandoned and helpless, perhaps I can look deeper.
Perhaps the external sources of fear aren't my deepest fears?
Perhaps I fear things that are within me?
That, in itself is a scary prospect.
I will have to ruminate about that more.
The reaching out honestly to others can get messy...
but it is the only way to build genuine connection...
authentic relationship...
devoid of power struggles, and ulterior motives, and parasitic attachments.
It is one of those things that challenges us to be more than we think we are...
to be a better version of ourself.
Me Too is simple, but never easy.
Sorry, time for homework.
I love you,
Maggie
Someone's gotta see what's under the rock...
Someone has to lead the way out from under the rock and behind the tree and from inside the cave! I'm coming - slowly!
How did I feel when dancing? Not self-conscious. That may sound trivial, but it is huge. In the past I have felt awkward and afraid to move. This time my friend demonstrated the basic zydeco step, and I did it. Not well, but who cares. Then we were still there when someone began teaching the basic salsa step, so we did that for a little while. I didn't sing along because I don't know any zydeco song lyrics, and many have no lyrics. It's just music that encourages you to move.
I admired some of the dancers,. and some of the couples. It shows a level of comfort in one's body I am not real familiar with. I was most "in" my body when pregnant. I was most physical. Maybe that was when I was most wild. And when I think about birthing - always out of hospital and without analgesics - maybe that was my Wild Woman! I felt real and powerful. So how do I incorporate that birthing self into my daily life...something to ponder.
And you are good - your words are why this daily sharing is so effective...So what did you mean when you said it has gotten too clean here? That you want to play in the mud. Is that your attempt at uncovering your wild woman?...Maybe it is. Those words came from somewhere inside me. I was thinking about the sterility of solitude. I spend too much time alone - which is the source of serenity, but also of my hands-off detachment. Can't get hands dirty when totally hands-off, now, can we? I was expressing a desire to be more involved in life and with other people. When I was sitting at the bar, observing and thinking - which again, does not make me uncomfortable - I was trying to imagine what I would enjoy doing with peers that didn't involve drinking in a place that is too loud to have a decent conversation. Or an indecent one!
Mom's birthday is so far away, and so many things could happen before then, that I am not going to worry now. I will know better what to do when we get closer. I was remembering their fiftieth wedding anniversary when we were all instructed to show up at a hotel in...another state. I was the only one who didn't show up. I got the impression it would have been nice if I had been there, but I didn't get the impression that I was terribly missed. (So, now, eight years later, does it matter? That's what will happen if you don't make it.) Mom called me afterwards and gave me a lecture about asking for help. But I hit a deer and destroyed the front end of my car. I was on my way. Geez!!
I really do think that the therapists are leading the way, but just barely. And that is perfect. The reason you have been able to identify the levels of resiliency is because we are ready to go. It is time!!
Are we looking fear in the eye, or looking at the fear in our own eyes?
Love you, wise-one!
Clare
How did I feel when dancing? Not self-conscious. That may sound trivial, but it is huge. In the past I have felt awkward and afraid to move. This time my friend demonstrated the basic zydeco step, and I did it. Not well, but who cares. Then we were still there when someone began teaching the basic salsa step, so we did that for a little while. I didn't sing along because I don't know any zydeco song lyrics, and many have no lyrics. It's just music that encourages you to move.
I admired some of the dancers,. and some of the couples. It shows a level of comfort in one's body I am not real familiar with. I was most "in" my body when pregnant. I was most physical. Maybe that was when I was most wild. And when I think about birthing - always out of hospital and without analgesics - maybe that was my Wild Woman! I felt real and powerful. So how do I incorporate that birthing self into my daily life...something to ponder.
And you are good - your words are why this daily sharing is so effective...So what did you mean when you said it has gotten too clean here? That you want to play in the mud. Is that your attempt at uncovering your wild woman?...Maybe it is. Those words came from somewhere inside me. I was thinking about the sterility of solitude. I spend too much time alone - which is the source of serenity, but also of my hands-off detachment. Can't get hands dirty when totally hands-off, now, can we? I was expressing a desire to be more involved in life and with other people. When I was sitting at the bar, observing and thinking - which again, does not make me uncomfortable - I was trying to imagine what I would enjoy doing with peers that didn't involve drinking in a place that is too loud to have a decent conversation. Or an indecent one!
Mom's birthday is so far away, and so many things could happen before then, that I am not going to worry now. I will know better what to do when we get closer. I was remembering their fiftieth wedding anniversary when we were all instructed to show up at a hotel in...another state. I was the only one who didn't show up. I got the impression it would have been nice if I had been there, but I didn't get the impression that I was terribly missed. (So, now, eight years later, does it matter? That's what will happen if you don't make it.) Mom called me afterwards and gave me a lecture about asking for help. But I hit a deer and destroyed the front end of my car. I was on my way. Geez!!
I really do think that the therapists are leading the way, but just barely. And that is perfect. The reason you have been able to identify the levels of resiliency is because we are ready to go. It is time!!
Are we looking fear in the eye, or looking at the fear in our own eyes?
Love you, wise-one!
Clare
Sunday, September 23, 2012
You are beautiful and so much more
Clare,
You are beautiful and peaceful and talented...
You are amazing...
you just keep trying to put yourself back under that rock.
How are we going to get Me Too going if you are under a rock?
So how did you like going out and dancing?
Was it fun?
Did you feel free(er)?
Did you laugh?
Did you sing outloud with the music?
That's why I love to dance...
because I don't care if any one is watching...
I love to sing and move to music...
I just feel free and happy.
So what did you mean when you said it has gotten too clean here? That you want to play in the mud. Is that your attempt at uncovering your wild woman?
I am not sure that I will go to the gathering next year. I am not sure that I want to. I will wish Mom a happy birthday, but maybe not in the presence of everyone. I don't feel bitter and as if I am cutting myself off from them. I just don't feel the drive to go. Maybe that's selfish. Maybe I will hurt others by my absence. Maybe no one will really care.
So did the levels of resilience make sense to you? I feel as if the incremental approach makes it more comfortable for me. I hate to think that healers are stopping at functional and outwardly allright. We both know that the some survivors are great actors...and just keep up the plastic facade until they cannot do it anymore. Then they have a crisis...or spiritual awakening...something that wakes them up and forces them to look fear in the eyes and shine the Light.
I have to run...
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
You are beautiful and peaceful and talented...
You are amazing...
you just keep trying to put yourself back under that rock.
How are we going to get Me Too going if you are under a rock?
So how did you like going out and dancing?
Was it fun?
Did you feel free(er)?
Did you laugh?
Did you sing outloud with the music?
That's why I love to dance...
because I don't care if any one is watching...
I love to sing and move to music...
I just feel free and happy.
So what did you mean when you said it has gotten too clean here? That you want to play in the mud. Is that your attempt at uncovering your wild woman?
I am not sure that I will go to the gathering next year. I am not sure that I want to. I will wish Mom a happy birthday, but maybe not in the presence of everyone. I don't feel bitter and as if I am cutting myself off from them. I just don't feel the drive to go. Maybe that's selfish. Maybe I will hurt others by my absence. Maybe no one will really care.
So did the levels of resilience make sense to you? I feel as if the incremental approach makes it more comfortable for me. I hate to think that healers are stopping at functional and outwardly allright. We both know that the some survivors are great actors...and just keep up the plastic facade until they cannot do it anymore. Then they have a crisis...or spiritual awakening...something that wakes them up and forces them to look fear in the eyes and shine the Light.
I have to run...
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Duhhhhh!
I just received a compliment, and I rolled my eyes. Please smack me!
Love, Clare
(just so there is no confusion who posted this gem!)
Love, Clare
(just so there is no confusion who posted this gem!)
Always Me
You say healing is becoming more relational. I say healing is beginning to come from the heart. We are all losing our fear of opening our heart chakras and exposing who we are. We are beginning to understand that as humans, this is where we belong at this point in our spiritual evolution.
A friend was talking about the evolution of philosophy last night. Someone discovers a truth, someone else sees a chink and restates another aspect of that truth, a third coalesces the truths into something larger. We learn from each other, lead each other, inspire each other. And as a Friend of many years says, "We are all in the same river - just at different points."
Confoundedly, I think I am simultaneously graduating from level 1 to level 2 and level 2 to level 3 resiliency!
So...last night I danced in public. Just for a short while. And even though I am not a good dancer, I was not feeling shamed or embarrassed. I also spent quite a bit of time alone at the bar watching others dance. I was fine, comfortable, and not wishing I was dancing - but wishing I could take dance lessons. Really thinking about that leap forward where we go from knowing the steps to coordinating those steps with another person - agreeing to move together and knowing who has the lead. Lots of life parallels here.
I realized, though - and I knew this - so I realized once again that I am not a bar chick. So what do middle-aged single people do if not into the bar scene? No answers, but there does need to be one! It also signals a desire for more of a community of peers. More changes in me.
A friend and I went to listen to a zydeco band. Both her boyfriend and my neighbor are part of the band. After they were done making music, we - the three women, not the boyfriend - got caught in a deep discussion of relationships with alcoholic men. My neighbor is just leaving such a relationship, and so we discussed Al-Anon and why we are in pain and how we fall into the traps of trying to save them, yet lose ourselves in the process. I shared a lot of my insight and some of the work we are doing together. My neighbor said something to the effect of admiring what I have learned and how I behave. I do know I appear to be extremely serene all the time. I often hear about my strong, soothing, loving presence - even among Friends. But suddenly it seemed like the Buddha on the mountaintop, the sage people go to for answers. And it seemed wrong and lonely and like - how can Buddha know if all wisdom comes from detachment?
I have pulled myself together and created a calm place. But it's too clean here. I want to get dirty again. I want to play in the mud.
Two other things happened yesterday that have been stirring great emotions. A friend died, after a six year battle with cancer. She was so loving and joyous, it is hard to know that such a good person has gone.
Then I talked to Mom. She had been praying for my friend. Conversation drifted to her birthday party next year. There was some talk of moving it closer to "home". That fell through, so we are back to the B&B plan - the one in the mountains halfway between here and B#3. I checked the website and saw the price and knew my family couldn't afford it. Mom said this may be the first time all 9 of our generation could be together since her 60th birthday. I know that is important to her.
Knowing money was my issue, Mom said S#5 said (because that IS how our family operates...we don't actually talk to each other. We just send messages through the grapevine and wait for them to arrive at the right sib!)...S#5 said we each pay what we can and some will make up for the others. This is the same problem I have with the Quakers. When a plan is too expensive for some, we have to go ask for help...every single time. In my region, I know who we are. I can name the Friends who have to ask for aid. And it's humiliating. So lots of times I just say I am busy. I just don't go. And a Friend, who was mentioned earlier, has told me I just have to ask...but I always have to ask. and in our family, it's always me. I always have to ask. I hate it. I hate it so much. I work really long hours, doing a professional job. But I don't get paid much. So I give up or I continually ask for more.
Mom said she really wanted me to come, so please ask for help. And I told her I might just go crawl back under my rock. You know, I think Mom might be the only place where I feel safe enough to release my inner Drama Queen! And she laughed, but with sympathy, and said she hopes I don't so that.
What we may do is find a cheap place to camp nearby...maybe...if we can even get down there...
Sorry, I have gone from"I danced in public" to "I am going back under my rock." Feeling very emotional.
I hope you are having a great day. I have lots of options for my day...and the sun is shining!!
Love you, Clare
A friend was talking about the evolution of philosophy last night. Someone discovers a truth, someone else sees a chink and restates another aspect of that truth, a third coalesces the truths into something larger. We learn from each other, lead each other, inspire each other. And as a Friend of many years says, "We are all in the same river - just at different points."
Confoundedly, I think I am simultaneously graduating from level 1 to level 2 and level 2 to level 3 resiliency!
So...last night I danced in public. Just for a short while. And even though I am not a good dancer, I was not feeling shamed or embarrassed. I also spent quite a bit of time alone at the bar watching others dance. I was fine, comfortable, and not wishing I was dancing - but wishing I could take dance lessons. Really thinking about that leap forward where we go from knowing the steps to coordinating those steps with another person - agreeing to move together and knowing who has the lead. Lots of life parallels here.
I realized, though - and I knew this - so I realized once again that I am not a bar chick. So what do middle-aged single people do if not into the bar scene? No answers, but there does need to be one! It also signals a desire for more of a community of peers. More changes in me.
A friend and I went to listen to a zydeco band. Both her boyfriend and my neighbor are part of the band. After they were done making music, we - the three women, not the boyfriend - got caught in a deep discussion of relationships with alcoholic men. My neighbor is just leaving such a relationship, and so we discussed Al-Anon and why we are in pain and how we fall into the traps of trying to save them, yet lose ourselves in the process. I shared a lot of my insight and some of the work we are doing together. My neighbor said something to the effect of admiring what I have learned and how I behave. I do know I appear to be extremely serene all the time. I often hear about my strong, soothing, loving presence - even among Friends. But suddenly it seemed like the Buddha on the mountaintop, the sage people go to for answers. And it seemed wrong and lonely and like - how can Buddha know if all wisdom comes from detachment?
I have pulled myself together and created a calm place. But it's too clean here. I want to get dirty again. I want to play in the mud.
Two other things happened yesterday that have been stirring great emotions. A friend died, after a six year battle with cancer. She was so loving and joyous, it is hard to know that such a good person has gone.
Then I talked to Mom. She had been praying for my friend. Conversation drifted to her birthday party next year. There was some talk of moving it closer to "home". That fell through, so we are back to the B&B plan - the one in the mountains halfway between here and B#3. I checked the website and saw the price and knew my family couldn't afford it. Mom said this may be the first time all 9 of our generation could be together since her 60th birthday. I know that is important to her.
Knowing money was my issue, Mom said S#5 said (because that IS how our family operates...we don't actually talk to each other. We just send messages through the grapevine and wait for them to arrive at the right sib!)...S#5 said we each pay what we can and some will make up for the others. This is the same problem I have with the Quakers. When a plan is too expensive for some, we have to go ask for help...every single time. In my region, I know who we are. I can name the Friends who have to ask for aid. And it's humiliating. So lots of times I just say I am busy. I just don't go. And a Friend, who was mentioned earlier, has told me I just have to ask...but I always have to ask. and in our family, it's always me. I always have to ask. I hate it. I hate it so much. I work really long hours, doing a professional job. But I don't get paid much. So I give up or I continually ask for more.
Mom said she really wanted me to come, so please ask for help. And I told her I might just go crawl back under my rock. You know, I think Mom might be the only place where I feel safe enough to release my inner Drama Queen! And she laughed, but with sympathy, and said she hopes I don't so that.
What we may do is find a cheap place to camp nearby...maybe...if we can even get down there...
Sorry, I have gone from"I danced in public" to "I am going back under my rock." Feeling very emotional.
I hope you are having a great day. I have lots of options for my day...and the sun is shining!!
Love you, Clare
Saturday, September 22, 2012
true healing
Clare,
I wrote a short journal article about resilience from the perspective of one who outwardly has had it for years, but inwardly has struggled to find it. I came to the conclusion that resilience has levels or degrees and that there are 3 of them..surprise another trinity.
level 1...experiencing an intensely stressful experience and maintaining function through it. (I found that definition on a navy website) so the victim...a type of resilience that allows them to function though traumatized.
level 2...successfully using coping skills to minimize or repress the trauma but able to participate in daily life...healthy and unhealthy coping skills in play here...but the person is participating and contributing to life...the survivor
level 3...reaching out of the shame, connecting honestly with others, retrieving the lost pieces of self left behind at the trauma, integrating back to wholeness, self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love...the thriver
I think that currently therapists and counselors are content to bring people to level 2...that's considered success...
unfortunately that leaves people still fractured...unable to open and trust...
It is in the disclosure of the secrets and shining the Light into the dark corners of the memory where healing happens.
You probably are correct that many of the healers are only steps ahead of their clients.
They are probably learning much from their interactions with clients.
It amazes me that counselors and therapists are just beginning to talk about allowing a relationship develop between therapist and client...the professionals were supposed to maintain themselves above their clients to avoid transference and countertransference...but it comes across as arrogance and a power-over interaction. The only way to help another is to be open to them...sharing parts of yourself that are appropriate and don't take the focus off the client. I think therapists keep clients at a distance because they don't want them realizing how broken they are as well. I have a therapist who has walked a similar path to me. while she has never shared details, she has allowed me to know enough that I have developed trust for her and her insights and advice.
This all gives me hope though...healing is becoming more relational...it's about telling our stories and empathizing with each other...ME TOO bridges many gaps...people are meant to help each other...they are meant to reach out and offer compassion and support...if more people did this spontaneously we would have a political debate about entitlements...we would willingly and lovingly share abundance until all had enough.
People were never meant to hurt each other, to exploit each other, to abuse each other...our society needs to shine the Light on this...
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
I wrote a short journal article about resilience from the perspective of one who outwardly has had it for years, but inwardly has struggled to find it. I came to the conclusion that resilience has levels or degrees and that there are 3 of them..surprise another trinity.
level 1...experiencing an intensely stressful experience and maintaining function through it. (I found that definition on a navy website) so the victim...a type of resilience that allows them to function though traumatized.
level 2...successfully using coping skills to minimize or repress the trauma but able to participate in daily life...healthy and unhealthy coping skills in play here...but the person is participating and contributing to life...the survivor
level 3...reaching out of the shame, connecting honestly with others, retrieving the lost pieces of self left behind at the trauma, integrating back to wholeness, self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love...the thriver
I think that currently therapists and counselors are content to bring people to level 2...that's considered success...
unfortunately that leaves people still fractured...unable to open and trust...
It is in the disclosure of the secrets and shining the Light into the dark corners of the memory where healing happens.
You probably are correct that many of the healers are only steps ahead of their clients.
They are probably learning much from their interactions with clients.
It amazes me that counselors and therapists are just beginning to talk about allowing a relationship develop between therapist and client...the professionals were supposed to maintain themselves above their clients to avoid transference and countertransference...but it comes across as arrogance and a power-over interaction. The only way to help another is to be open to them...sharing parts of yourself that are appropriate and don't take the focus off the client. I think therapists keep clients at a distance because they don't want them realizing how broken they are as well. I have a therapist who has walked a similar path to me. while she has never shared details, she has allowed me to know enough that I have developed trust for her and her insights and advice.
This all gives me hope though...healing is becoming more relational...it's about telling our stories and empathizing with each other...ME TOO bridges many gaps...people are meant to help each other...they are meant to reach out and offer compassion and support...if more people did this spontaneously we would have a political debate about entitlements...we would willingly and lovingly share abundance until all had enough.
People were never meant to hurt each other, to exploit each other, to abuse each other...our society needs to shine the Light on this...
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Mother-Crone Speaks!
I agree with your understanding of the two types, or maybe two levels of resilience. (Is there a third stage? Is this another trinity?) The next thought goes back to an observation you made. Many people in helping professions have been abused. And I think many do understand the depths of the trauma. And many professionals are externally okay - they are functioning well in society. But they are wearing masks and armor.
Maybe therapy is a type of "Me too" profession. The therapist is evolving along with their clients...hopefully. Maybe opening little by little and staying a few steps ahead so they can blaze a new trail through the swamp. Maybe therapists are more successful when they are in the swamp, too, but they know the high spots, the dry spots, the pathway out...Maybe their job is to discover and mark the pathways.
Of course, some therapists may try to treat those who are lost as a way of not dealing with their own selves hidden beneath the armor...
I don't think the choice is maiden or bitch. We are maiden - mother - crone - we have to be one, just based on age and experience. Any one of these can be the bitch. I made a flower essence once teaches us how to be a strong woman without being the bitch. That led me to think about strength and anger and the ways we use it. If we lead and are going to a good place, we are strong. If we just make everyone else miserable, that's my definition of the bitch.
I do love dogs, though, and have a hard time describing a nasty personality as the bitch. I think the word came from the defensive mother wolf - frightening!!
Maiden - mother - crone, though - one of my favorite trinities. The maiden is exuberant and maybe uncontrolled. She is young and naive and gullible. This is a happy time, when not damaged. The maiden reminds us of possibilities. But as we grow, we need to go from possibilities to decisions. We need to produce something. The mother is powerful. The mother can create human life with her body. The mother has the strength, endurance and power and flexibility and instinctual trust to birth a baby. The mother knows how to straddle two worlds while doing it, while allowing another human to be part of her then to separate from her. Mothers can make milk with their own bodies. We can feed the world. We instinctually know how to feed and nourish and nurture. (Maybe this is the wild me!?!) And now the crone. The crone knows how the story comes out. She has lived it or she has listened or observed others who have been through it. The wisdom of the crone is frighening.
Remember the quote - something to the effect that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it? The crone won't allow that to happen...unless she is silenced. Unless she is forced out of daily life, away from daily contact.
There is so much power in mother and crone, that maiden is the safest stage of womanhood, and so I am back to my conjecture that modern society can only continue on its current path if women remain child-like. We have jobs, where we are paid, at best, .75% of what a man with the same education, some experience will get. Because our jobs aren't real. We aren't real unless we are defined by a man. Single women are not included in many social gathering unless it is by other single women.
Being middle-aged and overweight, I am invisible. People simply do not see me, which is comfortable - but I don't think I want to be this. But I am comfortable here...and so I am trapped in my own cycle!
Riding my merry-go-round...
Sending you love as I pass...Clare!
Maybe therapy is a type of "Me too" profession. The therapist is evolving along with their clients...hopefully. Maybe opening little by little and staying a few steps ahead so they can blaze a new trail through the swamp. Maybe therapists are more successful when they are in the swamp, too, but they know the high spots, the dry spots, the pathway out...Maybe their job is to discover and mark the pathways.
Of course, some therapists may try to treat those who are lost as a way of not dealing with their own selves hidden beneath the armor...
I don't think the choice is maiden or bitch. We are maiden - mother - crone - we have to be one, just based on age and experience. Any one of these can be the bitch. I made a flower essence once teaches us how to be a strong woman without being the bitch. That led me to think about strength and anger and the ways we use it. If we lead and are going to a good place, we are strong. If we just make everyone else miserable, that's my definition of the bitch.
I do love dogs, though, and have a hard time describing a nasty personality as the bitch. I think the word came from the defensive mother wolf - frightening!!
Maiden - mother - crone, though - one of my favorite trinities. The maiden is exuberant and maybe uncontrolled. She is young and naive and gullible. This is a happy time, when not damaged. The maiden reminds us of possibilities. But as we grow, we need to go from possibilities to decisions. We need to produce something. The mother is powerful. The mother can create human life with her body. The mother has the strength, endurance and power and flexibility and instinctual trust to birth a baby. The mother knows how to straddle two worlds while doing it, while allowing another human to be part of her then to separate from her. Mothers can make milk with their own bodies. We can feed the world. We instinctually know how to feed and nourish and nurture. (Maybe this is the wild me!?!) And now the crone. The crone knows how the story comes out. She has lived it or she has listened or observed others who have been through it. The wisdom of the crone is frighening.
Remember the quote - something to the effect that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it? The crone won't allow that to happen...unless she is silenced. Unless she is forced out of daily life, away from daily contact.
There is so much power in mother and crone, that maiden is the safest stage of womanhood, and so I am back to my conjecture that modern society can only continue on its current path if women remain child-like. We have jobs, where we are paid, at best, .75% of what a man with the same education, some experience will get. Because our jobs aren't real. We aren't real unless we are defined by a man. Single women are not included in many social gathering unless it is by other single women.
Being middle-aged and overweight, I am invisible. People simply do not see me, which is comfortable - but I don't think I want to be this. But I am comfortable here...and so I am trapped in my own cycle!
Riding my merry-go-round...
Sending you love as I pass...Clare!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Maiden or bitch...I guess it's time we choose bitch
It's funny that you talk about making this blog more "public"...
I mowed the yard this afternoon...mulling over the effects of that movie and my recent readings on resilience...and I am composing an essay in my head...an essay that I imagined I would submit for publication...publically making a bold statement about abuse.
Maybe it is time to tell the siblings of our writings...I will let you decide that...I did not get a sense from S#5 if she is open to deeper conversation or just wanted to briefly reach out. I do have a strong sense that Mom is not wanting to dive deeper...she has once again shied away from real conversation with me.
But the purpose of letting them know that this is here is to allow them to access our thoughts and our journey...they do not have to read...they don't have to participate...they are free to ignore this for the rest of their lives...at least they will be aware.
My thoughts on resilience are that professionals don't understand the depth of the wounds. When they see a person who tells them of a history of abuse they assume the person has resilience if they are outwardly OK. They fail to understand the masks and armour that is worn to keep others at a distance. They fail to see that despite being in relationships, their relationships are not healthy because the person cannot trust anyone, sometimes not even them self.
So I propose that there are 2 levels of resilience;
First survivor's resilience- that which allows them to participate in daily life, despite the wounds they carry.
Second thriver's resilience- that which comes from deep self awareness, healing and growth and allows the person to regain wholeness...gather those pieces of our self that were left behind or hidden away during the abuse...this is the goal...this is what healers should guide to.
I wonder if it will make sense when I write it? I am going to use the ideas for a journaling assignment that I have to do for class and see where it takes me.
Your thoughts on extended maiden-hood are interesting and very insightful...we do want that youth...but it is in reality associated with being powerless...dependent...
We shy away from being a bitch...an insult to most women...but a bitch is really a women who is willing to be strong in the face of power...demanding equality and respect...protecting her own...
What a concept...you could develop that idea...it rings true.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
I mowed the yard this afternoon...mulling over the effects of that movie and my recent readings on resilience...and I am composing an essay in my head...an essay that I imagined I would submit for publication...publically making a bold statement about abuse.
Maybe it is time to tell the siblings of our writings...I will let you decide that...I did not get a sense from S#5 if she is open to deeper conversation or just wanted to briefly reach out. I do have a strong sense that Mom is not wanting to dive deeper...she has once again shied away from real conversation with me.
But the purpose of letting them know that this is here is to allow them to access our thoughts and our journey...they do not have to read...they don't have to participate...they are free to ignore this for the rest of their lives...at least they will be aware.
My thoughts on resilience are that professionals don't understand the depth of the wounds. When they see a person who tells them of a history of abuse they assume the person has resilience if they are outwardly OK. They fail to understand the masks and armour that is worn to keep others at a distance. They fail to see that despite being in relationships, their relationships are not healthy because the person cannot trust anyone, sometimes not even them self.
So I propose that there are 2 levels of resilience;
First survivor's resilience- that which allows them to participate in daily life, despite the wounds they carry.
Second thriver's resilience- that which comes from deep self awareness, healing and growth and allows the person to regain wholeness...gather those pieces of our self that were left behind or hidden away during the abuse...this is the goal...this is what healers should guide to.
I wonder if it will make sense when I write it? I am going to use the ideas for a journaling assignment that I have to do for class and see where it takes me.
Your thoughts on extended maiden-hood are interesting and very insightful...we do want that youth...but it is in reality associated with being powerless...dependent...
We shy away from being a bitch...an insult to most women...but a bitch is really a women who is willing to be strong in the face of power...demanding equality and respect...protecting her own...
What a concept...you could develop that idea...it rings true.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Maybe it's time
You did describe Light pouring from your eyes once before. I think I would have freaked out, just a bit. But it must be amazing to know you have so much Light inside of you. There is so much Light it just pours out of your eyes. I am learning that Light is a powerful tool. It forms things, but also pervades things - like it is its own container.
Fifty years ago...hmmmmm...I think...maybe...I would still be married, since divorce wasn't nice, and our lives - mine and my kids...well, and my ex - would be very different. My kids would be different people than they are. We would be making the best of hard choices, complaining about life, privately, and smiling publicly. Our choices, because we are female, would have been limited.
My daughter's friend was here this afternoon, and we talked about her paper on women and beauty a little more. We talked a lot about the power of media - and came to the conclusion that marketing anorexia as beautiful is a great way to make money on diet products and beauty supplies. Most of us can never attain what we are taught to accept as beautiful, but we will spend money forever and die trying. I said something about the maiden - mother - crone and how the maiden was valued because she had the least power, and notice how we all value the maiden and we all strive to be the maiden and the way we keep the maiden young and powerless. Why do we shave legs and arms pits? Secondary sexual characteristics indicate adult, mother. We are unclean unless we remove these physical signs of adulthood.
Then we compared to Honey BooBoo Child - star of a new reality TV show S#3 told me about. She said it was about a preadolescent beauty queen. We watched a few clips on youtube, in dismay. What my young friend and I realized today is that we objectify baby girls by sexualizing them - making them appear to be sexually aware, and we disempower adult women by forcing them to stay in adolescence forever. No wonder we are all so confused!
I read once that when childhood is a separate time, with separate activities and separate clothing styles, that children were more likely to be respected and protected. But when children were simply dressed as miniature adults, they were more likely to be abused, especially sexually abused. This little baby, this 6 year old pageant contestant was wearing a hip hugging mini-skirt with a midriff baring top. She gyrated her hips as she walked. Her mother angrily declared that if we see sexy, it is because we are dirty. But although I saw a caricature of adult behavior, a puppet, an objectified child, a predator is going to see sexy. That is how a pedophile would justify sexually attacking a child - she wanted it, she knew. And if he can't have Honey BooBoo, he will attack and violate another child.
I felt shocked and nauseous.
How's the Brene search? That would be so exciting!
So maybe it is time to tell the sibs that we have been doing this and ...see what happens next.
Hope you have fun plans for the weekend.
Love you!!! C.
Fifty years ago...hmmmmm...I think...maybe...I would still be married, since divorce wasn't nice, and our lives - mine and my kids...well, and my ex - would be very different. My kids would be different people than they are. We would be making the best of hard choices, complaining about life, privately, and smiling publicly. Our choices, because we are female, would have been limited.
My daughter's friend was here this afternoon, and we talked about her paper on women and beauty a little more. We talked a lot about the power of media - and came to the conclusion that marketing anorexia as beautiful is a great way to make money on diet products and beauty supplies. Most of us can never attain what we are taught to accept as beautiful, but we will spend money forever and die trying. I said something about the maiden - mother - crone and how the maiden was valued because she had the least power, and notice how we all value the maiden and we all strive to be the maiden and the way we keep the maiden young and powerless. Why do we shave legs and arms pits? Secondary sexual characteristics indicate adult, mother. We are unclean unless we remove these physical signs of adulthood.
Then we compared to Honey BooBoo Child - star of a new reality TV show S#3 told me about. She said it was about a preadolescent beauty queen. We watched a few clips on youtube, in dismay. What my young friend and I realized today is that we objectify baby girls by sexualizing them - making them appear to be sexually aware, and we disempower adult women by forcing them to stay in adolescence forever. No wonder we are all so confused!
I read once that when childhood is a separate time, with separate activities and separate clothing styles, that children were more likely to be respected and protected. But when children were simply dressed as miniature adults, they were more likely to be abused, especially sexually abused. This little baby, this 6 year old pageant contestant was wearing a hip hugging mini-skirt with a midriff baring top. She gyrated her hips as she walked. Her mother angrily declared that if we see sexy, it is because we are dirty. But although I saw a caricature of adult behavior, a puppet, an objectified child, a predator is going to see sexy. That is how a pedophile would justify sexually attacking a child - she wanted it, she knew. And if he can't have Honey BooBoo, he will attack and violate another child.
I felt shocked and nauseous.
How's the Brene search? That would be so exciting!
So maybe it is time to tell the sibs that we have been doing this and ...see what happens next.
Hope you have fun plans for the weekend.
Love you!!! C.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Light
Clare,
That passage is beautiful.
I loved the part about looking into the mirror...being able to see themselves clearly after unburdening their soul of their pain.
I once had an experience that scared and invigorated me at the same time. I may have shared this with you before.
I was on a retreat, attending a conference that opened up questions in my mind that made me think and feel very deeply. That night I couldn't sleep well, so I walked to the bathroom and as I washed my hands I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
What I saw was my face but with light coming from my eyes...it was scary enough that I closed my eyes for a few moments and when I reopened them I again saw the Light coming from within.
I stared and contemplated the meaning for a short time and then went back to my bed. I wrote a song that night, The Learning Curve...I've shared parts of that with you before.
By morning the Light was gone.
I have only seen that Light one other time since then, briefly in my mirror at home.
This summer when I sketched my fears and then sketched the resolution to my fears I had a remembrance of that Light from within. The Light has the power to illuminate the secrets and show them for what they truly are...bad memories that keep us prisoner.
The haunted house of your dream was dehaunted by that Light within you.
We have the power to stop our own interior haunting by the secrets and the doubts that plague our souls and hold us in the swamp.
We have the power within us.
I am wondering, if we had lived 50 years ago, how we would be handling this process of coming to terms with our past, reintegrating our soul and moving forward as a whole person for the remainder of our life. I think it would be a very different scenario.
I am grateful to be alive at this time.
I also wonder, with the emergence of awareness and the public breaching of taboo subjects what it will be like 50 years from now. Will this type of abuse still exist? If it does will it be as prevalent or will it be an exception?
I truly hope and believe that by shining the Light on abuse in all forms it will end.
I hope that no young people ever have to live with the shame and isolation that we did.
I have to journal for class on Monday night. It is supposed to be on our readings, but I feel led to write about my reactions to the movie that we watched. I have shared with my classmates that I have experienced abuse in a previous class...when I had a strong reaction to another discussion that we were having...it seems like a safe outlet for expression of MeToo.
Today I was speaking with the director that I am working with about planning conferences for continuing education credits for social workers. After the discussion I was brainstorming topics and then I had the thought, 'Wouldn't it be great if I could schedule Brene Brown to speak?' ...well it would be fabulous...so I am going to at least check out her fees, etc.
I was walking this evening, and as I walked I remembered a conversation that I had with my wise friend last spring...she told me that I needed to share my memories with my family...I remember becoming nauseous almost immediately and asking her why? Why do you tell stories that they all already know? What's the point? The disclosure was for my healing, not theirs she told me. As I recalled her words I realized how rue they were and still are today. It has taken me a long time to realize that I only have the power to heal myself...that's hard to handle when I've had a Joan of Arc complex all of my life...The interesting thing is that tonight I didn't feel nauseous at all...I felt light and vitality...
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
That passage is beautiful.
I loved the part about looking into the mirror...being able to see themselves clearly after unburdening their soul of their pain.
I once had an experience that scared and invigorated me at the same time. I may have shared this with you before.
I was on a retreat, attending a conference that opened up questions in my mind that made me think and feel very deeply. That night I couldn't sleep well, so I walked to the bathroom and as I washed my hands I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
What I saw was my face but with light coming from my eyes...it was scary enough that I closed my eyes for a few moments and when I reopened them I again saw the Light coming from within.
I stared and contemplated the meaning for a short time and then went back to my bed. I wrote a song that night, The Learning Curve...I've shared parts of that with you before.
By morning the Light was gone.
I have only seen that Light one other time since then, briefly in my mirror at home.
This summer when I sketched my fears and then sketched the resolution to my fears I had a remembrance of that Light from within. The Light has the power to illuminate the secrets and show them for what they truly are...bad memories that keep us prisoner.
The haunted house of your dream was dehaunted by that Light within you.
We have the power to stop our own interior haunting by the secrets and the doubts that plague our souls and hold us in the swamp.
We have the power within us.
I am wondering, if we had lived 50 years ago, how we would be handling this process of coming to terms with our past, reintegrating our soul and moving forward as a whole person for the remainder of our life. I think it would be a very different scenario.
I am grateful to be alive at this time.
I also wonder, with the emergence of awareness and the public breaching of taboo subjects what it will be like 50 years from now. Will this type of abuse still exist? If it does will it be as prevalent or will it be an exception?
I truly hope and believe that by shining the Light on abuse in all forms it will end.
I hope that no young people ever have to live with the shame and isolation that we did.
I have to journal for class on Monday night. It is supposed to be on our readings, but I feel led to write about my reactions to the movie that we watched. I have shared with my classmates that I have experienced abuse in a previous class...when I had a strong reaction to another discussion that we were having...it seems like a safe outlet for expression of MeToo.
Today I was speaking with the director that I am working with about planning conferences for continuing education credits for social workers. After the discussion I was brainstorming topics and then I had the thought, 'Wouldn't it be great if I could schedule Brene Brown to speak?' ...well it would be fabulous...so I am going to at least check out her fees, etc.
I was walking this evening, and as I walked I remembered a conversation that I had with my wise friend last spring...she told me that I needed to share my memories with my family...I remember becoming nauseous almost immediately and asking her why? Why do you tell stories that they all already know? What's the point? The disclosure was for my healing, not theirs she told me. As I recalled her words I realized how rue they were and still are today. It has taken me a long time to realize that I only have the power to heal myself...that's hard to handle when I've had a Joan of Arc complex all of my life...The interesting thing is that tonight I didn't feel nauseous at all...I felt light and vitality...
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Aha! Almost - I think!
I knew the beginning of the week was tough for you - with no spare time. So I wasn't worried. But I did miss you. I look forward to this exchange every day.
The trinities may all be cyclical, but some of them definitely move us forward. This may be like the circling up and away, the movement/process you described early in this sharing. We see issues over and over, but from a different perspective.
Logically, I get "wild". I understand the definition. But I haven't found the words or understanding that make me gasp, "Aha!" and sigh and integrate the concept and know how to use it, to make it mine. I know someone will say the right word or I will read the right sentence - something. I remember taking calculus, and I simply didn't understand derivatives. I asked the prof for help and he said the same thing several times, then suddenly I got it. The brain has to settle a little. Or shift. I am anticipating recognizing the wild part of me, then moving her into a more prominent role in my life!
My daughter and her friend were working on a paper about perceived feminine beauty and cultural influences. The two of them had a big "aha!" moment when they realized the rampant steroid use indicated that young men have similar body issues. The same is true for the young men you saw in the film. It is heartbreaking that we allow children to be damaged, generation after generation.
Several years ago, I was at a Quaker youth retreat, as an adult support person, when an intense discussion broke out about papers the adults were asked to sign promising not to be sexually inappropriate with any of the teens. No one had ever been inappropriate before. This was instigated by an insurance company, who I suppose was off the hook, just in case something happened. But it was also pushed forward by a woman who had been molested and raped by a stepfather from the time she was a toddler. It has supremely influenced who she is. Because of reactions to the paper, suddenly everyone was sharing. All but one adult in that room had been the victim of violent and/or sexual assault. As people spoke, I sat there with tears streaming down my face, my heart breaking for these people I had known for so many years. We all moved forward, shadowing our pain, hunched over it, keeping it from public notice.
Your account of the young man wondering why if family treated him so bad he could expect anything different from a stranger resounded with me. I don't know if I wrote this before, but I remember my logic as a child: Your parents have to love you. It's a rule. If Dad doesn't love me, there must be something really wrong with me.
I remember looking in the mirror and trying to discern what was broken, what was not okay with me...
I agree with you - what a sad society we live in.
As for S#5, it really doesn't matter who disconnected from who. Those are the dramas that keep us separate. It obviously is not quite time to work together on this.
I read a beautiful passage last night that I wanted to share with you. From The Elegant Gathering of White Snows, this is one of the characters that has been attending a weekly support/study group with seven other women.
"...During the past sixteen or so months, I have listened to and watched each one of them expose a torturous moment in their lives that has drawn them to this moment. A rape, death, lost love, mental illness, the bumps and dips of life - there is a story of great loss or love or longing that has slowly worked its way loose from each one of their souls.
"And oh, my God, how I have relished watching them turn to face themselves in the mirror. The transformation, the relief - the relief has been an amazing portrait of life. Everything that I have done and seen has flashed before my eyes once again because of them..." (-Kris Radish)
This is what we are doing. And this is the poetic description of the "Me too!"
Hugs and kisses and lots of love to you tonight!! C.
The trinities may all be cyclical, but some of them definitely move us forward. This may be like the circling up and away, the movement/process you described early in this sharing. We see issues over and over, but from a different perspective.
Logically, I get "wild". I understand the definition. But I haven't found the words or understanding that make me gasp, "Aha!" and sigh and integrate the concept and know how to use it, to make it mine. I know someone will say the right word or I will read the right sentence - something. I remember taking calculus, and I simply didn't understand derivatives. I asked the prof for help and he said the same thing several times, then suddenly I got it. The brain has to settle a little. Or shift. I am anticipating recognizing the wild part of me, then moving her into a more prominent role in my life!
My daughter and her friend were working on a paper about perceived feminine beauty and cultural influences. The two of them had a big "aha!" moment when they realized the rampant steroid use indicated that young men have similar body issues. The same is true for the young men you saw in the film. It is heartbreaking that we allow children to be damaged, generation after generation.
Several years ago, I was at a Quaker youth retreat, as an adult support person, when an intense discussion broke out about papers the adults were asked to sign promising not to be sexually inappropriate with any of the teens. No one had ever been inappropriate before. This was instigated by an insurance company, who I suppose was off the hook, just in case something happened. But it was also pushed forward by a woman who had been molested and raped by a stepfather from the time she was a toddler. It has supremely influenced who she is. Because of reactions to the paper, suddenly everyone was sharing. All but one adult in that room had been the victim of violent and/or sexual assault. As people spoke, I sat there with tears streaming down my face, my heart breaking for these people I had known for so many years. We all moved forward, shadowing our pain, hunched over it, keeping it from public notice.
Your account of the young man wondering why if family treated him so bad he could expect anything different from a stranger resounded with me. I don't know if I wrote this before, but I remember my logic as a child: Your parents have to love you. It's a rule. If Dad doesn't love me, there must be something really wrong with me.
I remember looking in the mirror and trying to discern what was broken, what was not okay with me...
I agree with you - what a sad society we live in.
As for S#5, it really doesn't matter who disconnected from who. Those are the dramas that keep us separate. It obviously is not quite time to work together on this.
I read a beautiful passage last night that I wanted to share with you. From The Elegant Gathering of White Snows, this is one of the characters that has been attending a weekly support/study group with seven other women.
"...During the past sixteen or so months, I have listened to and watched each one of them expose a torturous moment in their lives that has drawn them to this moment. A rape, death, lost love, mental illness, the bumps and dips of life - there is a story of great loss or love or longing that has slowly worked its way loose from each one of their souls.
"And oh, my God, how I have relished watching them turn to face themselves in the mirror. The transformation, the relief - the relief has been an amazing portrait of life. Everything that I have done and seen has flashed before my eyes once again because of them..." (-Kris Radish)
This is what we are doing. And this is the poetic description of the "Me too!"
Hugs and kisses and lots of love to you tonight!! C.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I am back
Sorry Clare,
I have been at class and trying to catch up/keep up with homework.
To catch up...the trinities are cyclical, even the dependence-independence-interdependence cycles around sometimes in old age (and sometimes younger) to dependence again. In relationships we cycle through these as well...at times I find myself in each of these roles within my marriage...cycling.
It really makes me think...
When I think about becoming wild it isn't about outlandish, attention seeking behaviors...
I think of becoming more natural, trusting the universe and my intuition...
being courageous enough to walk the "road less traveled" because my gut tells me it is the right path at this time.
Wild is becoming synchronized with our animal nature, being interdependent with the earth and environment, rather than our ego driven intellect...does that make sense?
Sorry I didn't check in last night. It was a long, hard day. Last night I sat through a movie in class that tore at my heart. It was a documentary/indie film made about men who have survived sexual abuse as children. They spoke of the isolation and self-disgust, thinking they had somehow attracted the rapist and the sexual attack.
They spoke of their coping mechanisms; drugs and alcohol, multiple sexual partners, extreme busy-ness, repression of the memories, suicide attempts...
I sat there...tears welling up in my eyes...not wanting to draw attention to myself...trying desperately to hear their stories...and I was overwhelmed with sadness for our family.
The one young man said..."if this is how family, the ones who are supposed to love you, treats you then why would anyone else treat you any better?"
There is a young man in PA who is scheduled to be executed in early October, he killed 2 men when he was 18, they were perpetrators of sexual abuse to this man. In his original trial the abuse wasn't part of testimony (from what I understand). Many people signed petitions to consider life in prison rather than the death penalty. Last week the clemency board reviewed his case, they denied him clemency...he is going to die...what a sad society we live in.
I responded to sister #5's message. I thanked her for her thinking of me. I explained that I did not disconnect...that I had been ignored because I made everyone uncomfortable with my disclosure...and that I was in contact with you, working with a therapist and doing well. She responded that she was confused about who disconnected from who. At least it was an attempt.
Tell me more about the book you are reading...
Thank you for noticing my absence...it means alot to know that you care.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
PS- don't worry about whether or not people notice you losing weight...you are doing it for yourself, not them anyway.
I have been at class and trying to catch up/keep up with homework.
To catch up...the trinities are cyclical, even the dependence-independence-interdependence cycles around sometimes in old age (and sometimes younger) to dependence again. In relationships we cycle through these as well...at times I find myself in each of these roles within my marriage...cycling.
It really makes me think...
When I think about becoming wild it isn't about outlandish, attention seeking behaviors...
I think of becoming more natural, trusting the universe and my intuition...
being courageous enough to walk the "road less traveled" because my gut tells me it is the right path at this time.
Wild is becoming synchronized with our animal nature, being interdependent with the earth and environment, rather than our ego driven intellect...does that make sense?
Sorry I didn't check in last night. It was a long, hard day. Last night I sat through a movie in class that tore at my heart. It was a documentary/indie film made about men who have survived sexual abuse as children. They spoke of the isolation and self-disgust, thinking they had somehow attracted the rapist and the sexual attack.
They spoke of their coping mechanisms; drugs and alcohol, multiple sexual partners, extreme busy-ness, repression of the memories, suicide attempts...
I sat there...tears welling up in my eyes...not wanting to draw attention to myself...trying desperately to hear their stories...and I was overwhelmed with sadness for our family.
The one young man said..."if this is how family, the ones who are supposed to love you, treats you then why would anyone else treat you any better?"
There is a young man in PA who is scheduled to be executed in early October, he killed 2 men when he was 18, they were perpetrators of sexual abuse to this man. In his original trial the abuse wasn't part of testimony (from what I understand). Many people signed petitions to consider life in prison rather than the death penalty. Last week the clemency board reviewed his case, they denied him clemency...he is going to die...what a sad society we live in.
I responded to sister #5's message. I thanked her for her thinking of me. I explained that I did not disconnect...that I had been ignored because I made everyone uncomfortable with my disclosure...and that I was in contact with you, working with a therapist and doing well. She responded that she was confused about who disconnected from who. At least it was an attempt.
Tell me more about the book you are reading...
Thank you for noticing my absence...it means alot to know that you care.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
PS- don't worry about whether or not people notice you losing weight...you are doing it for yourself, not them anyway.
Wild Thing
I just started reading The Elegant Gathering of White Snows by Kris Radish. It is a bit of synchronicity in my life. It is about a group of women who meet regularly - a support group of sorts. One night they start to walk, It turns into a pilgrimage. They begin to rip their hearts open for the others to see. They begin to affect and inspire the women around them.
One of the first stories is about a character being raped in her late teens. She doesn't talk about it. She feels bad and dirty. The writer nails it and it hit me hard.
I think this is a story of women finding their wild selves. Perhaps I have been led to this book to help me solve the riddle or maybe find the definition of wild. I talked to someone about that today. I tried to explain that at parties I am the one sitting quietly talking with one or two others. I am not the wild one dancing on the piano.
Still trying to define wild. I know wild has to do with my penchant for wandering barefoot in the forest. But I can't find a definition that fits. I will keep trying.
I walked to the store this afternoon. My body is changing. I am walking with more strength and flexibility. The word that came to me was: metamorphosis. When I talked to my son earlier this week he talked about the amount of respect he has for me. He said I wasn't perfect, but no one was, and my mistakes, my bad moments are far outweighed by my good ones. I may be beginning to believe him. I may be beginning to believe them. It is painful to accept though...aren't I screwed up?????
I'm going to trust that you are incredibly busy.
Love to you Maggie!
Clare
One of the first stories is about a character being raped in her late teens. She doesn't talk about it. She feels bad and dirty. The writer nails it and it hit me hard.
I think this is a story of women finding their wild selves. Perhaps I have been led to this book to help me solve the riddle or maybe find the definition of wild. I talked to someone about that today. I tried to explain that at parties I am the one sitting quietly talking with one or two others. I am not the wild one dancing on the piano.
Still trying to define wild. I know wild has to do with my penchant for wandering barefoot in the forest. But I can't find a definition that fits. I will keep trying.
I walked to the store this afternoon. My body is changing. I am walking with more strength and flexibility. The word that came to me was: metamorphosis. When I talked to my son earlier this week he talked about the amount of respect he has for me. He said I wasn't perfect, but no one was, and my mistakes, my bad moments are far outweighed by my good ones. I may be beginning to believe him. I may be beginning to believe them. It is painful to accept though...aren't I screwed up?????
I'm going to trust that you are incredibly busy.
Love to you Maggie!
Clare
Strange thoughts
Dream last night...I briefly remember someone from high school asking me exactly what I hoped to do with my degree.
Strange thoughts as I was going to bed. I was thinking about the way B#1 has rewritten our childhood to make it safe and happy. I suddenly wondered what percentage of our population has done the same in order to survive. Then I wondered how much I do that. And then, I wondered why some of us refuse to rewrite our histories. Why we refuse to accept and forget.
Strange thoughts as I was going to bed. I was thinking about the way B#1 has rewritten our childhood to make it safe and happy. I suddenly wondered what percentage of our population has done the same in order to survive. Then I wondered how much I do that. And then, I wondered why some of us refuse to rewrite our histories. Why we refuse to accept and forget.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I miss your face...
Long, dreary, rainy day here. But I had a long talk with my oldest son. I feel so reconnected to him and his wife since I stayed with them. It is so hard to maintain that level of intimacy and involvement when you can't see each other regularly. The baby is getting ready to crawl. I can "see" it because she was so ready, but I also know she has changed.
Yesterday I saw the four others. My children are so amazing. They are so beautiful!
Thinking about the chasm between us, the family here in one village, and the oldest boy...I love him everyday, I hold him and his family, as I do all of my beloved young, in the Light each night before I sleep. But we are still connected differently because of physical space. I think about us, you and me and our siblings, and our connection to Mom and Dad. Is this how it happens? Lack of daily interaction, a too-busy life and we slip away from each other, leaving large, gaping holes in our hearts and psyches. But we are too busy to notice...it's one more thing I'll catch up on tomorrow if I can just make it through today.
I miss your face, little sister...C.
Yesterday I saw the four others. My children are so amazing. They are so beautiful!
Thinking about the chasm between us, the family here in one village, and the oldest boy...I love him everyday, I hold him and his family, as I do all of my beloved young, in the Light each night before I sleep. But we are still connected differently because of physical space. I think about us, you and me and our siblings, and our connection to Mom and Dad. Is this how it happens? Lack of daily interaction, a too-busy life and we slip away from each other, leaving large, gaping holes in our hearts and psyches. But we are too busy to notice...it's one more thing I'll catch up on tomorrow if I can just make it through today.
I miss your face, little sister...C.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Directionally cyclical trinities!
Boundaries are also difficult for me. I am usually willing to say yes whenever anyone needs my help. I think I assume everyone else is stubborn and prideful, as I am, and wouldn't ask unless in dire straits. I hate to ask for help. Since it takes so much to ask, I try to say yes.
And it's easy for me to niggle my boundaries away. I decide what is appropriate, but can be persuaded to go a little further. That was why I wanted to know how you set yours. I thought I could use the lesson.
Of course the message from our baby sister was - when you are ready to reconnect, she is open. That is not quite an invitation. We are a wishy-washy bunch!
And I have been thinking about boundaries and vulnerability. It somehow seems that being vulnerable means taking down the boundaries. But that can't be right. That could be fatal - and it's the wrong definition of vulnerable. Maybe the boundaries are set further away so that there is a nice big, safe, free area around self. Obviously I am not ready to consciously set boundaries. Sometimes I only know something is wrong when it is happening...
The dream - you're right, I am still on the outside looking in...feels like a bit more Match Girl syndrome. The weird part about my friend losing weight is that she talked to me a lot as she lost about 100 pounds. And she has kept the weight off for almost 15 years now. Everyone carried on about how young she looked. But she lost the weight fairly quickly and so the world noticed. For me, I have lost about 20 pounds a year for each of the last three years - since my oldest son's wedding. But it's happening so slowly no one is noticing - except my oldest daughter who is my most ardent cheerleader. I think a lot of the dream was about not being noticed, and not being valued. But it was also about developing community.
They other thing I have been pondering is the trinities we have identified. It dawned on me that we have two types. We have the directional trinity that moves forward, hopefully, into integration as an adult. This is dependence - independence - interdependence. As we mature, we move through these...or, if we mature, we move through these. Each is an octave higher - morally and spiritually.
But the victim - rescuer - perpetrator is a cyclical trinity. We move through these roles over and over, examining them, experiencing them from different levels of awareness. But victim and rescuer are about being receptive and extrusive (?) and the perpetrator role helps us move from one to the other. I wonder how different these roles look within the directional trinities. I have a sneaking suspicion it would relate closely to chakra work! I must think about this!!!!
I am a worrier. That was why my neighbor's message was so noticeable. She has been on so often, that I have learned to trust her gift.
I have had a long day in front of the computer. I am going to go wash dishes or something!
Sweet dreams - and may you remember them.
Love you - Clare
And it's easy for me to niggle my boundaries away. I decide what is appropriate, but can be persuaded to go a little further. That was why I wanted to know how you set yours. I thought I could use the lesson.
Of course the message from our baby sister was - when you are ready to reconnect, she is open. That is not quite an invitation. We are a wishy-washy bunch!
And I have been thinking about boundaries and vulnerability. It somehow seems that being vulnerable means taking down the boundaries. But that can't be right. That could be fatal - and it's the wrong definition of vulnerable. Maybe the boundaries are set further away so that there is a nice big, safe, free area around self. Obviously I am not ready to consciously set boundaries. Sometimes I only know something is wrong when it is happening...
The dream - you're right, I am still on the outside looking in...feels like a bit more Match Girl syndrome. The weird part about my friend losing weight is that she talked to me a lot as she lost about 100 pounds. And she has kept the weight off for almost 15 years now. Everyone carried on about how young she looked. But she lost the weight fairly quickly and so the world noticed. For me, I have lost about 20 pounds a year for each of the last three years - since my oldest son's wedding. But it's happening so slowly no one is noticing - except my oldest daughter who is my most ardent cheerleader. I think a lot of the dream was about not being noticed, and not being valued. But it was also about developing community.
They other thing I have been pondering is the trinities we have identified. It dawned on me that we have two types. We have the directional trinity that moves forward, hopefully, into integration as an adult. This is dependence - independence - interdependence. As we mature, we move through these...or, if we mature, we move through these. Each is an octave higher - morally and spiritually.
But the victim - rescuer - perpetrator is a cyclical trinity. We move through these roles over and over, examining them, experiencing them from different levels of awareness. But victim and rescuer are about being receptive and extrusive (?) and the perpetrator role helps us move from one to the other. I wonder how different these roles look within the directional trinities. I have a sneaking suspicion it would relate closely to chakra work! I must think about this!!!!
I am a worrier. That was why my neighbor's message was so noticeable. She has been on so often, that I have learned to trust her gift.
I have had a long day in front of the computer. I am going to go wash dishes or something!
Sweet dreams - and may you remember them.
Love you - Clare
boundaries
Clare,
Boundaries are tough for me.
I think that's why I am reluctant to open my self to this attempt.
When I spoke with my wise friend about reconnecting she told me to reconnect to myself...my lost parts...that's the reconnection that most matters right now.
So what boundaries are appropriate?
I hate the idea of superficial bullshit notes sent mindlessly on text, email or facebook.
I don't think I an strong enough for a all out face to face interaction.
So what's in the middle?
How vulnerable do I allow myself to be?
I say that I want to live vulnerably, but now I am looking at an opportunity I am scared.
I am remembering your story about the army recruiter and know that I should open myself up...
I need to move out of the safe, poor me, victim role and meet this head on...not hurting others, but not hiding those parts of myself that are less than "nice".
I love the dream...
I love the amount of people and various activities that are simultaneously occurring.
I think it's fascinating that you are still on the outside, watching, not really interacting fully.
The safety glasses are funny...protecting the vision...the doors to the soul...smart man...perhaps they are prescription glasses to improve the sight...and allow insight...
or could it possibly be to cover the vision and the soul?
The weight loss friend is confusing to me...
why would she be flaunting something that is elusive to so many?...
perhaps it is possible that she was able to work through her unhappiness, her traumas and was then able to shed the "insulation" that protected her from the outside...
or perhaps she is increasingly unhappy and has taken control of her eating as her life gets more and more chaotic.
A friend once told me that if she is losing weight then she spends money recklessly and when she is budgeted and controlled she eats recklessly.
Food once again becomes an addiction- one way or the other.
I have been mulling over the dependence-independence-interdepence idea.
Moving through that trinity requires an increasing mindfulness.
The dependent are passive...until they can see that there is more...they too can have power.
The violence in our world stems from achieving independence or taking power-over others. We wield this power over animals, other humans- who we perceive as less than ourselves, plants, and the earth- seen as an inanimate object to be manipulated and exploited.
When we finally can move to interdependence...understanding our connection to everything...
the mindfulness of Buddhists...
That's the Light that we are shining I think.
The Light that allows us to 'dehaunt' our souls and opens us to Truth.
That same Light may be able to beak the silence of our family's long kept secrets. Perhaps it isn't one person's control of all the others. The others will have to open themselves to the possibility that it is safe to drop their guard, and feel safe enough to share their power...their stories...their emotional chaos...to say, "Me Too".
I agree with your neighbor...don't worry...we are so much farther on this journey than we were 6 months ago...it's been really difficult...but has been worth the pain and efforts.
Lots to think about.
I love you,
Maggie
Boundaries are tough for me.
I think that's why I am reluctant to open my self to this attempt.
When I spoke with my wise friend about reconnecting she told me to reconnect to myself...my lost parts...that's the reconnection that most matters right now.
So what boundaries are appropriate?
I hate the idea of superficial bullshit notes sent mindlessly on text, email or facebook.
I don't think I an strong enough for a all out face to face interaction.
So what's in the middle?
How vulnerable do I allow myself to be?
I say that I want to live vulnerably, but now I am looking at an opportunity I am scared.
I am remembering your story about the army recruiter and know that I should open myself up...
I need to move out of the safe, poor me, victim role and meet this head on...not hurting others, but not hiding those parts of myself that are less than "nice".
I love the dream...
I love the amount of people and various activities that are simultaneously occurring.
I think it's fascinating that you are still on the outside, watching, not really interacting fully.
The safety glasses are funny...protecting the vision...the doors to the soul...smart man...perhaps they are prescription glasses to improve the sight...and allow insight...
or could it possibly be to cover the vision and the soul?
The weight loss friend is confusing to me...
why would she be flaunting something that is elusive to so many?...
perhaps it is possible that she was able to work through her unhappiness, her traumas and was then able to shed the "insulation" that protected her from the outside...
or perhaps she is increasingly unhappy and has taken control of her eating as her life gets more and more chaotic.
A friend once told me that if she is losing weight then she spends money recklessly and when she is budgeted and controlled she eats recklessly.
Food once again becomes an addiction- one way or the other.
I have been mulling over the dependence-independence-interdepence idea.
Moving through that trinity requires an increasing mindfulness.
The dependent are passive...until they can see that there is more...they too can have power.
The violence in our world stems from achieving independence or taking power-over others. We wield this power over animals, other humans- who we perceive as less than ourselves, plants, and the earth- seen as an inanimate object to be manipulated and exploited.
When we finally can move to interdependence...understanding our connection to everything...
the mindfulness of Buddhists...
That's the Light that we are shining I think.
The Light that allows us to 'dehaunt' our souls and opens us to Truth.
That same Light may be able to beak the silence of our family's long kept secrets. Perhaps it isn't one person's control of all the others. The others will have to open themselves to the possibility that it is safe to drop their guard, and feel safe enough to share their power...their stories...their emotional chaos...to say, "Me Too".
I agree with your neighbor...don't worry...we are so much farther on this journey than we were 6 months ago...it's been really difficult...but has been worth the pain and efforts.
Lots to think about.
I love you,
Maggie
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Last night's dream
I remembered a dream from last night that seems important, so I thought I would get it down before it slipped my mind. I think the whole dream took place in and around the house that is me. It was kind of in F-burg, kind of where I graduated from high school, but mostly here on this hill I love so much.
There were people everywhere, inside and out. There were people from many parts of my life.
Someone from high school who had a long enduring crush on me (remember him from church?) was there coaching baseball. B#1 was on the team. The coach was very concerned that the players use special safety glasses.
I have a friend from where I used to live whose kids were about the same age as mine, and who lost a lot of weight. She was there wrapping her thighs in something to make them smooth and showing me how much weight she lost. I mentioned that I have lost a lot of weight, and no one has noticed.
A psychologist showed up to work with many of us in the group.
I remember feeling like I was being pushed out. Like I have always been the one to coach, to listen, to be there for every little thing. Now suddenly I wasn't needed, I was necessary, I was being replaced by others who can do better. Oh yeah, I believe the baseball coach is a psychiatrist in waking life! There's a theme. My friend who lost all her weight earned a degree in counseling afterwards - in waking life!
But then the psychologist talked to me. She said that once, a few years before, she and her son rented this house for a vacation. When they stayed there the place was haunted by something awful, and they were plagued by nightmares. Now the place was open and light and friendly. She asked how I had dehaunted the place, and as I woke up, I said, "Oh, I know. I can explain it to you..."
I woke up still caught in the dreamworld and thought - "You do it by shining Light anywhere anything could possibly hide
Oh, and my neighbor is psychic, and she just gave me a message. (This is in waking life, not part of a dream...) The message: Don't worry.
Love you!!!
There were people everywhere, inside and out. There were people from many parts of my life.
Someone from high school who had a long enduring crush on me (remember him from church?) was there coaching baseball. B#1 was on the team. The coach was very concerned that the players use special safety glasses.
I have a friend from where I used to live whose kids were about the same age as mine, and who lost a lot of weight. She was there wrapping her thighs in something to make them smooth and showing me how much weight she lost. I mentioned that I have lost a lot of weight, and no one has noticed.
A psychologist showed up to work with many of us in the group.
I remember feeling like I was being pushed out. Like I have always been the one to coach, to listen, to be there for every little thing. Now suddenly I wasn't needed, I was necessary, I was being replaced by others who can do better. Oh yeah, I believe the baseball coach is a psychiatrist in waking life! There's a theme. My friend who lost all her weight earned a degree in counseling afterwards - in waking life!
But then the psychologist talked to me. She said that once, a few years before, she and her son rented this house for a vacation. When they stayed there the place was haunted by something awful, and they were plagued by nightmares. Now the place was open and light and friendly. She asked how I had dehaunted the place, and as I woke up, I said, "Oh, I know. I can explain it to you..."
I woke up still caught in the dreamworld and thought - "You do it by shining Light anywhere anything could possibly hide
Oh, and my neighbor is psychic, and she just gave me a message. (This is in waking life, not part of a dream...) The message: Don't worry.
Love you!!!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Silence Is Ingrained Into Us
I thought the performance was inspiring because this young woman was naked before the world, unashamedly baring herself. Usually when we are hurt, we pull on the bravado and pretend we are fine. That's the tough exterior, the rugged individualism we have been taught to respect. This young woman was not afraid to stand before the world, with tears in her eyes and say, "You had the power to hurt me, and you did. You hurt me. And I am in pain." I always brush myself off and say I'm fine.
Hmmmmm...is it Dad's power and control that silences us? If he is gone, will we speak our truths? I am not sure. I think silence is ingrained into who we are. I mean, what could Dad do? Kick us out, make us go home, refuse to talk to us for six years, threaten us, tell us how bad we are? I think we could survive any of those punishments. I think we have survived all of them. I wonder if it will ever happen - will we speak as a family? I think it is more likely to be minor breakthroughs between individuals that begin to influence and open the whole.
B#1 never responded to the note I sent him. But I like to believe I am in his brain, niggling a bit, eroding his sense of numbed, it's-all-okay. Maybe, possibly, it is nearing minor breakthrough.
We are all in pain. We are all doing what we can to survive...
You are going to have to decide what to do about S#5. I prefer to never ignore an attempt to connect. But she is going to have to face having her memories of a happy childhood disrupted. The smooth covers over our memories are hiding grossities beyond current comprehension. It's in her, too.
I really don't know her well enough to know how she copes, what she remembers, what patterns she has brought with her from our childhood home. I do get the sense that she is like my mother-in-law - make sure everything looks good. But I don't know what affects her or moves her. I know she is like us in that she gets very attached to her pets and takes joy in having them.
Think about your boundaries. And then let me know what you see. I also struggle a lot with setting appropriate boundaries. This could be healthy for both of us.
My day - I worked. Then Son#2 brought me two grandchildren for the night. We went for a walk, and stomped on each other's shadow's heads. We wandered through the woods for a bit. The neighbor gave them Jack-Be-Little pumpkins and gourds from his garden. We ate dinner, got into jammies, then used my new toy - a hot air popcorn popper. My little guy was so thrilled and excited, he screamed the whole time the machine was working. He was laughing and carrying on about the popcorn. He was so alive and so cute.
Now they are asleep. And it's time for me to join them. I agreed to work for a short time tomorrow. So I need to settle in.
Goodnight Beloved
Hmmmmm...is it Dad's power and control that silences us? If he is gone, will we speak our truths? I am not sure. I think silence is ingrained into who we are. I mean, what could Dad do? Kick us out, make us go home, refuse to talk to us for six years, threaten us, tell us how bad we are? I think we could survive any of those punishments. I think we have survived all of them. I wonder if it will ever happen - will we speak as a family? I think it is more likely to be minor breakthroughs between individuals that begin to influence and open the whole.
B#1 never responded to the note I sent him. But I like to believe I am in his brain, niggling a bit, eroding his sense of numbed, it's-all-okay. Maybe, possibly, it is nearing minor breakthrough.
We are all in pain. We are all doing what we can to survive...
You are going to have to decide what to do about S#5. I prefer to never ignore an attempt to connect. But she is going to have to face having her memories of a happy childhood disrupted. The smooth covers over our memories are hiding grossities beyond current comprehension. It's in her, too.
I really don't know her well enough to know how she copes, what she remembers, what patterns she has brought with her from our childhood home. I do get the sense that she is like my mother-in-law - make sure everything looks good. But I don't know what affects her or moves her. I know she is like us in that she gets very attached to her pets and takes joy in having them.
Think about your boundaries. And then let me know what you see. I also struggle a lot with setting appropriate boundaries. This could be healthy for both of us.
My day - I worked. Then Son#2 brought me two grandchildren for the night. We went for a walk, and stomped on each other's shadow's heads. We wandered through the woods for a bit. The neighbor gave them Jack-Be-Little pumpkins and gourds from his garden. We ate dinner, got into jammies, then used my new toy - a hot air popcorn popper. My little guy was so thrilled and excited, he screamed the whole time the machine was working. He was laughing and carrying on about the popcorn. He was so alive and so cute.
Now they are asleep. And it's time for me to join them. I agreed to work for a short time tomorrow. So I need to settle in.
Goodnight Beloved
Great day
Thanks for sharing that link.
That performance was inspiring.
I love it when someone rises above those negative voices that they've heard all of their lives...
and dares to try.
I would also love to have a true opportunity to openly discuss all of our experiences with the whole family and have each see their own trinity...
how each of us played each of the roles of victim...rescuer...abuser...in turn...
we all could finally see that we are not bad...
we did the best we could under the circumstances...
but, more importantly, we could finally acknowledge the pain and shame...
our big Me Too moment.
I have thought that it might happen following the funeral of our father...
I feel as if his hold and control are too strong to confront or feel safe enough to confide...
if that is true, how sad it is that a chance for connection will be postponed until it won't include one of the key components.
Maybe it will never happen and we will continue the silence and pretend to be normal and well adjusted...at least until the next suicide attempt or similar crisis.
Sorry I am being very negative today.
I got a facebook message from S#5 yesterday....saying she woke up thinking about me and that when I am ready to reconnect she is open to that.
This has me feeling angry and frustrated...
I was not the one who disconnected.
I was the one who shared my secrets and disclosed not only the abuse that I experienced, but the depression and resultant behaviors from those experiences.
I was the one ostracized...no one has reached out to me but you...
and Mom...who doesn't know what to say...but at least she tries.
I honestly want to be sarcastic and reply that she is the one disconnected...part of me wants to ignore the post...it was a facebook message...how incredibly personal.
I am trying to remember the book that talked about reconnecting...with boundaries set by me.
I am not good at maintaining boundaries...I am easily sucked in.
I obviously need to give this more time to settle and think it through.
Any insight?
What a fabulous day.
I spent my day working in the yard, surrounded by my family.
We planted 7 trees today (husband did most of them).
The first is a large maple...I was digging the hole and could sit in it with my legs slightly flexed and the ground was above my shoulders. I like the tree. It sat next to the hole as I finished digging and I thought about what a tree "thinks" as it's being transplanted. Anyway, the tree dropped one multicolored leaf into the hole...I took that as a sign that it was ready to be planted in that location.
I also transplanted a rhododendron from a shady spot into full sun...it was stretching it's branches out to the sun and was so lopsided. I put 6 hostas in its place.
Then I mowed the lawn.
The boys both had friends stop by and just hang out.
Daughter #2 came home for the afternoon and we made dinner together.
It was a great day.
I was reading an assignment yesterday and they wrote about therapists playing through the cycle of victim...rescuer...abuser...
synchronicity is amazing.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
That performance was inspiring.
I love it when someone rises above those negative voices that they've heard all of their lives...
and dares to try.
I would also love to have a true opportunity to openly discuss all of our experiences with the whole family and have each see their own trinity...
how each of us played each of the roles of victim...rescuer...abuser...in turn...
we all could finally see that we are not bad...
we did the best we could under the circumstances...
but, more importantly, we could finally acknowledge the pain and shame...
our big Me Too moment.
I have thought that it might happen following the funeral of our father...
I feel as if his hold and control are too strong to confront or feel safe enough to confide...
if that is true, how sad it is that a chance for connection will be postponed until it won't include one of the key components.
Maybe it will never happen and we will continue the silence and pretend to be normal and well adjusted...at least until the next suicide attempt or similar crisis.
Sorry I am being very negative today.
I got a facebook message from S#5 yesterday....saying she woke up thinking about me and that when I am ready to reconnect she is open to that.
This has me feeling angry and frustrated...
I was not the one who disconnected.
I was the one who shared my secrets and disclosed not only the abuse that I experienced, but the depression and resultant behaviors from those experiences.
I was the one ostracized...no one has reached out to me but you...
and Mom...who doesn't know what to say...but at least she tries.
I honestly want to be sarcastic and reply that she is the one disconnected...part of me wants to ignore the post...it was a facebook message...how incredibly personal.
I am trying to remember the book that talked about reconnecting...with boundaries set by me.
I am not good at maintaining boundaries...I am easily sucked in.
I obviously need to give this more time to settle and think it through.
Any insight?
What a fabulous day.
I spent my day working in the yard, surrounded by my family.
We planted 7 trees today (husband did most of them).
The first is a large maple...I was digging the hole and could sit in it with my legs slightly flexed and the ground was above my shoulders. I like the tree. It sat next to the hole as I finished digging and I thought about what a tree "thinks" as it's being transplanted. Anyway, the tree dropped one multicolored leaf into the hole...I took that as a sign that it was ready to be planted in that location.
I also transplanted a rhododendron from a shady spot into full sun...it was stretching it's branches out to the sun and was so lopsided. I put 6 hostas in its place.
Then I mowed the lawn.
The boys both had friends stop by and just hang out.
Daughter #2 came home for the afternoon and we made dinner together.
It was a great day.
I was reading an assignment yesterday and they wrote about therapists playing through the cycle of victim...rescuer...abuser...
synchronicity is amazing.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Friday, September 14, 2012
Pouring out the pain for all to see...
I saw an amazing video. A young singer named Jillian Jensen appeared on a show called the X Factor, which I assume is a version of a talent show. She talked openly about the pain of being bullied, and she cried while she spoke. She cried while she was performing. This young woman stood up and showed her heart, and everyone in the audience stood up and said, "Me, too. You are enough." The audience was crying. The judges were crying. I was crying watching her. Her outpouring was from her heart and it touched us all. This is what we must all do.
http://www.godvine.com/Severely-Bullied-Girl-Chokes-Up-Simon-Cowell-A-Must-See-2073.html#.UFN87X83DwY.
And I had a fantasy of standing before Dad, or just family, and saying, "This is how it hurt." and crying together. I knew that would mean I would have to stand and listen to you and my other sibs, who I love but who I do not know, and recognize your pain and accept that I helped inflict that on you. We have so many tears inside.
Clarissa talks about the cleansing power of tears in Women Who Run With Wolves.
Okay, so we work in trinities. Probably because we are based in threes, the third chakra is our root. And because triangles are so stable. We are maiden - mother - crone. I think we are hero- father - sage. I am beginning to think we do need to name positive trinities we cycle through regularly. It seems easier to recognize and name the negative ones. I liked yours, and so I have been trying to think of more positive aspects, and I came to: I minister to you (the healthy rescuer) - you minister to me/I accept your loving ministrations (healthy form of victim) - and maybe - we have a period of mutual health (no perpetrator necessary). Or maybe: I give/you receive - you give/I receive - we are in balance/we share with others/the world? I can also see these cycles, but not as clearly. If there's no drama, what do we have? Children from alcoholic homes are lost!
We need positive ways to interact, to find our balance. I don't want to be the perpetrator in order to engage your attention. I just want to sing together, to join our voices and be beautiful!
I love covalence. We need to coin that!
Why do I isolate myself? I never considered that. I think I am a bother and nobody really likes me. If I stay by myself in the corner, then there's no chance of annoying anyone, and I never have to prove that I'm really not likeable or loveable.
Rugged independence...I would have thought of Teddy Roosevelt. In our independence, we all have to take care of ourselves - we can not receive any ministerings. We must have our own home, our own car, our own possessions and we can't weaken anyone else by allowing them to share. I always wanted to live in intentional community with shared possessions as well as private belongings. But I don't really want to lose control of my life and my stuff. My stuff has seemed different lately.
Not sure where this is going, but maybe I am off to someplace new...
Love you,
Until tomorrow,
Clare
More trinities
So another trinity?
Victim- Rescuer- Perpetrator...
I can see all of these as well...in our family life...and in the life of our nation.
So with victim I am thinking about the words...passive/receptive/vulnerable/power under others
Rescuer...reactive/uncertain intentions/ power over the victim and the perpetrator
Perpetrator...active/malicious/ power over the victim
So nowhere in that scenario is an equal sharing of power...equality...respect...
and yet we do choose to move through this trinity as we live our lives. Why?
Tying that to the chakras (you have a greater understanding of them than I do)
...the lower chakras are about relationship of self to others...
we are obviously not ascending beyond those lower energy levels when we play these roles.
Once again we are stuck...in the swamp with our heavy cloaks clutched tightly to maintain our separateness...to hide what's not good enough.
I loved the expansion of the chakras to include the feet and a connection to the earth and, I imagine, to the universe in the 10 - 12 chakras.
I am beginning to see that we also need to move through a cycle, a trinity of sorts, during a full lifetime:
dependence
independence
interdependence
in the sense of power dynamics that would be:
power under
power over
shared power
In our culture we are raised to be ruggedly independent...wasn't that a Herbert Hoover dictate?
Don't help people too much or they will get weak and needy...
In that quest for rugged independence we have forgotten how to rely upon others...
ask for assistance and help when we need it...
"Lean on me, when you're not strong, I 'll be your strength, I'll help you carry on.
Oh it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on"...
We, as a culture, are missing the next higher step...
connection....
community...
cooperation....
collaboration...
covalently bonding or sharing our electrons with another, who is different, to create a strongly bonded new molecule...new entity.
Isolation is the result of the abuse and traumas we experienced...
but is also part of our learned culture...
in our case...a double whammy...
Our universe and all of its elements are interconnected...interdependent...
all of the processes of life rely upon the unliving elements found in the earth and the atmosphere and the waters...and yet we manipulate...exploit and abuse all of those. Living depends upon nonliving and nonliving depends upon living...the circle of life (thank you Lion King).
I personally isolate myself because I don't want anyone to know how flawed and broken I really am.
I have recently, thanks to you and this work, have been able to see that by isolating I was hurting myself...and those around me...
That's where vulnerability steps up and says...Me Too...
not displaying our wounds for pity or special status...
we already know that we are not unique, unfortunately...
but so that Light can be shone on the abuse and in that Light the secrets will lose their power over our thoughts and actions.
Once the perpetrator can ask for help finding a healthy way to dissipate their feelings of rage and confusion instead of striking out against the victim...and the rescuer has no one to rescue...the victims will no longer be...those people can just living with that open heart chakra...in a vulnerable...trusting...loving way.
Interdependence...
sounds like a noble goal to strive for.
I love you...
Thanks for sharing your friends insights.
Maggie
Victim- Rescuer- Perpetrator...
I can see all of these as well...in our family life...and in the life of our nation.
So with victim I am thinking about the words...passive/receptive/vulnerable/power under others
Rescuer...reactive/uncertain intentions/ power over the victim and the perpetrator
Perpetrator...active/malicious/ power over the victim
So nowhere in that scenario is an equal sharing of power...equality...respect...
and yet we do choose to move through this trinity as we live our lives. Why?
Tying that to the chakras (you have a greater understanding of them than I do)
...the lower chakras are about relationship of self to others...
we are obviously not ascending beyond those lower energy levels when we play these roles.
Once again we are stuck...in the swamp with our heavy cloaks clutched tightly to maintain our separateness...to hide what's not good enough.
I loved the expansion of the chakras to include the feet and a connection to the earth and, I imagine, to the universe in the 10 - 12 chakras.
I am beginning to see that we also need to move through a cycle, a trinity of sorts, during a full lifetime:
dependence
independence
interdependence
in the sense of power dynamics that would be:
power under
power over
shared power
In our culture we are raised to be ruggedly independent...wasn't that a Herbert Hoover dictate?
Don't help people too much or they will get weak and needy...
In that quest for rugged independence we have forgotten how to rely upon others...
ask for assistance and help when we need it...
"Lean on me, when you're not strong, I 'll be your strength, I'll help you carry on.
Oh it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on"...
We, as a culture, are missing the next higher step...
connection....
community...
cooperation....
collaboration...
covalently bonding or sharing our electrons with another, who is different, to create a strongly bonded new molecule...new entity.
Isolation is the result of the abuse and traumas we experienced...
but is also part of our learned culture...
in our case...a double whammy...
Our universe and all of its elements are interconnected...interdependent...
all of the processes of life rely upon the unliving elements found in the earth and the atmosphere and the waters...and yet we manipulate...exploit and abuse all of those. Living depends upon nonliving and nonliving depends upon living...the circle of life (thank you Lion King).
I personally isolate myself because I don't want anyone to know how flawed and broken I really am.
I have recently, thanks to you and this work, have been able to see that by isolating I was hurting myself...and those around me...
That's where vulnerability steps up and says...Me Too...
not displaying our wounds for pity or special status...
we already know that we are not unique, unfortunately...
but so that Light can be shone on the abuse and in that Light the secrets will lose their power over our thoughts and actions.
Once the perpetrator can ask for help finding a healthy way to dissipate their feelings of rage and confusion instead of striking out against the victim...and the rescuer has no one to rescue...the victims will no longer be...those people can just living with that open heart chakra...in a vulnerable...trusting...loving way.
Interdependence...
sounds like a noble goal to strive for.
I love you...
Thanks for sharing your friends insights.
Maggie
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Victim - Rescuer - Perpetrator
I have had a dear friend for years that used to live nearby, who moved back to Europe, and is now back living in the greater neighborhood. We talked for a long time tonight, and I described what you and I are doing here, together.
She said that she has been reading a book about transformation, and the key is to be totally honest and open while looking at yourself and what happened. She said we are doing the work, and commended us. I love talking to her, because she looks at me and my kids and sees health and groundedness. She reminds me to enjoy them as much as worry about them.
I mentioned your repeating theme of trinities, and she mentioned another that she has been learning about in a course she has been working on. In response to my story of B#2's suicide attempt and family response, she pointed out that we each play the roles of victim, rescuer, perpetrator. What was amazing was when she talked about how we slide from one through the other. I could see it. I have done it.
I like being the victim. I used to write a column about life with kids. Once one of my sons was throwing rocks into the air in a group of children. Not malicious, but definitely not bright. A little girl was clonked on the forehead. I was the parent of the bad one. I wrote a column about how much easier it was to be the parent of the victim - to share their victimhood. To accept apologies and sympathy as opposed to groveling for forgiveness and not being the mom of the wild kids...
But I have recognized myself as rescuer. Then I expect praise and glory for time immemorial. When I don't get it. I know I use martyr to do my perpetrator act. If I can exasperate you, and make you react then I am comfortably back into victim - sigh of relief, St. Clare in in the house!
It was kind of fun to sit back and trace the way we and our sibs passed through the cycle when we have a family drama. Since my rescues are a bit ineffective, I mostly get to play alone in the victim-pool! Actually, I may be out and just be sunning myself nearby these days.
Sleep well. I'll talk to you tomorrow. With love from Clare.
She said that she has been reading a book about transformation, and the key is to be totally honest and open while looking at yourself and what happened. She said we are doing the work, and commended us. I love talking to her, because she looks at me and my kids and sees health and groundedness. She reminds me to enjoy them as much as worry about them.
I mentioned your repeating theme of trinities, and she mentioned another that she has been learning about in a course she has been working on. In response to my story of B#2's suicide attempt and family response, she pointed out that we each play the roles of victim, rescuer, perpetrator. What was amazing was when she talked about how we slide from one through the other. I could see it. I have done it.
I like being the victim. I used to write a column about life with kids. Once one of my sons was throwing rocks into the air in a group of children. Not malicious, but definitely not bright. A little girl was clonked on the forehead. I was the parent of the bad one. I wrote a column about how much easier it was to be the parent of the victim - to share their victimhood. To accept apologies and sympathy as opposed to groveling for forgiveness and not being the mom of the wild kids...
But I have recognized myself as rescuer. Then I expect praise and glory for time immemorial. When I don't get it. I know I use martyr to do my perpetrator act. If I can exasperate you, and make you react then I am comfortably back into victim - sigh of relief, St. Clare in in the house!
It was kind of fun to sit back and trace the way we and our sibs passed through the cycle when we have a family drama. Since my rescues are a bit ineffective, I mostly get to play alone in the victim-pool! Actually, I may be out and just be sunning myself nearby these days.
Sleep well. I'll talk to you tomorrow. With love from Clare.
heart chakra
To do that would be to crawl into our heart chakra and function with faith. We
would be simply loving. When we are in balance, we are in the flow, and we use
our will, our yellow as a rudder or an oar to direct our movement.
Isn't this what we've been trying to do for months?
Trying to access that open and vulnerable place that is meant to guide us ... along with our intellect?
I love what you shared about chakras and essences...I need time to ruminate over it...it seems as if there is something in that message that I need to extract. I will spend time with it tomorrow, when I am alone and contemplate it...you aren't "way out there"...you are synthesizing ideas from a variety of sources.
Son#1 needs my computer for home work...sorry...to be continued tomorrow.
Blessings,
Maggie
Isn't this what we've been trying to do for months?
Trying to access that open and vulnerable place that is meant to guide us ... along with our intellect?
I love what you shared about chakras and essences...I need time to ruminate over it...it seems as if there is something in that message that I need to extract. I will spend time with it tomorrow, when I am alone and contemplate it...you aren't "way out there"...you are synthesizing ideas from a variety of sources.
Son#1 needs my computer for home work...sorry...to be continued tomorrow.
Blessings,
Maggie
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Trustingly
Resiliency...it is a possibility! I like that! I have a few trusted people in my life. I have you and S#3, and two woman friends I can tell almost anything...one in particular...we have a date to go for a walk and talk this week. I have hope, although sometimes I think my hope is fantasy, and an escape. What I don't have, have never have and have never witnessed in a family home is a supportive, stable partner. I think I was close with my college sweetheart, but I didn't recognize, much less value those gifts. Does this make me 66% resilient? I feel like it puts me on the track toward resilience!
Checked in with my child after last week's chat. My intelligent, magnificent child discovered, "I am enough," without ever having heard of Brene Brown! I was impressed!
You have stumbled into something I have been working on for years - trying to understand the chakras. First, let me say that I was touched that you remembered my annual strep throat. And tying them to a blocked blue chakra is pretty wise. I learned how to treat strep throat with herbs. It was one of the first remedies I mastered, and I have not suffered from this disease for decades. Maybe finding herbs was when I found my voice. Or else I know how to turn off the symptoms now. When I work with my chakras, the one that is and has been consistently blocked is orange. I saw a chart that shows a shut down orange is illustrated by isolation. Hmmmm, would that be me?
I don't know if you know that I studied flower essences a few years ago, and became quite adept at making them. Part of the process is to attune to the plants - to recognize their sentience, open heart and try to perceive what they want to share with us.
I got a few strong messages right from the start. One of the first renumbered the chakras. Our feet are number one, and our knees and the second. Then the red is three, orange is four, yellow is five, green is six, blue is seven. The forehead - indigo or purple - number eight. And the top of the head, violet or gold is nine. It actually continues up to 12.
What I have learned is that we are trapped in our yellow chakras. We use our will to control everything in our lives, around our lives, affecting us in any way. We are taught to be successful, we must make a plan and stick with it. I see will everywhere. We will babies to be born at set times with induction or Cesarian. We will the Earth to bear monocultures. We have no faith. We never simply relax and go with the flow.
To do that would be to crawl into our heart chakra and function with faith. We would be simply loving. When we are in balance, we are in the flow, and we use our will, our yellow as a rudder or an oar to direct our movement.
This change that is immediately before us has to do with climbing into our hearts, becoming truly humane. That is what you and I are working on together.
I have been thinking about my use of will. I haven't been forcing anything to be the way I insist it must be. I have more been hiding and kicking anyone who got to close to my hidey-hole!
This new way of understanding herbs has been so wonderful for me. To perceive chakras on my feet puts me in energetic contact and communion with the Earth. I feel I am with her - which may be why I prefer barefooting for as long as possible during the year. I also rethought sex. Sex is the union of two threes, which creates a heart, a six - if you do it right! I mean with consciousness and connection and respect and passion. I suddenly understood why the words sex and six are so close. That is why Number 6 of the tarot deck is the Lovers, and Number 5 is the Pope.
I also understood the religious symbolism of a cross, a pentagram, a Star of David. I knew why quartz crystals were suddenly so important.
Play with the images for awhile. Am I way out there? Even if I am, I know I am right! I loved Myss' Sacred Contracts. I had a notebook full of all the work I did while working my way through the book. I think it was a library book, which I returned. I do love her work, though.
I do look forward to your reaction. I haven't shared this with many people. Now here it is in public!
Trustingly,
Clare
Checked in with my child after last week's chat. My intelligent, magnificent child discovered, "I am enough," without ever having heard of Brene Brown! I was impressed!
You have stumbled into something I have been working on for years - trying to understand the chakras. First, let me say that I was touched that you remembered my annual strep throat. And tying them to a blocked blue chakra is pretty wise. I learned how to treat strep throat with herbs. It was one of the first remedies I mastered, and I have not suffered from this disease for decades. Maybe finding herbs was when I found my voice. Or else I know how to turn off the symptoms now. When I work with my chakras, the one that is and has been consistently blocked is orange. I saw a chart that shows a shut down orange is illustrated by isolation. Hmmmm, would that be me?
I don't know if you know that I studied flower essences a few years ago, and became quite adept at making them. Part of the process is to attune to the plants - to recognize their sentience, open heart and try to perceive what they want to share with us.
I got a few strong messages right from the start. One of the first renumbered the chakras. Our feet are number one, and our knees and the second. Then the red is three, orange is four, yellow is five, green is six, blue is seven. The forehead - indigo or purple - number eight. And the top of the head, violet or gold is nine. It actually continues up to 12.
What I have learned is that we are trapped in our yellow chakras. We use our will to control everything in our lives, around our lives, affecting us in any way. We are taught to be successful, we must make a plan and stick with it. I see will everywhere. We will babies to be born at set times with induction or Cesarian. We will the Earth to bear monocultures. We have no faith. We never simply relax and go with the flow.
To do that would be to crawl into our heart chakra and function with faith. We would be simply loving. When we are in balance, we are in the flow, and we use our will, our yellow as a rudder or an oar to direct our movement.
This change that is immediately before us has to do with climbing into our hearts, becoming truly humane. That is what you and I are working on together.
I have been thinking about my use of will. I haven't been forcing anything to be the way I insist it must be. I have more been hiding and kicking anyone who got to close to my hidey-hole!
This new way of understanding herbs has been so wonderful for me. To perceive chakras on my feet puts me in energetic contact and communion with the Earth. I feel I am with her - which may be why I prefer barefooting for as long as possible during the year. I also rethought sex. Sex is the union of two threes, which creates a heart, a six - if you do it right! I mean with consciousness and connection and respect and passion. I suddenly understood why the words sex and six are so close. That is why Number 6 of the tarot deck is the Lovers, and Number 5 is the Pope.
I also understood the religious symbolism of a cross, a pentagram, a Star of David. I knew why quartz crystals were suddenly so important.
Play with the images for awhile. Am I way out there? Even if I am, I know I am right! I loved Myss' Sacred Contracts. I had a notebook full of all the work I did while working my way through the book. I think it was a library book, which I returned. I do love her work, though.
I do look forward to your reaction. I haven't shared this with many people. Now here it is in public!
Trustingly,
Clare
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Blocked fifth
Clare,
Sorry, Mondays and Tuesdays are marathon days with work and class in the evening...
I will try to check in on those days...I will do my best.
I look forward to this contact immensely.
What is outside reflects what is inside...
I think that's true...but it has been inside all the time...just buried under the shame and garbage piled high early in life.
We were talking about resiliency in class tonight...what are the protective factors...
there was a trusted person and having a sense of hope for a better future.
and there was having a stable, supportive mate as an adult and doing work that gives your life purpose, helping others...
I have looked at resiliency as a trait you either had or didn't have...
but it seems as if it is something that you can acquire...
or perhaps uncover when you start to poke an prod and dig and stretch and break up the dam into pieces.
I was thinking about what you said the other day about living inside your head while I was doing yoga several days ago...and the instructor on the video does an exercise where you lay hands successively on your chakras and breath feeling the flow connecting the chakras. I had an image of you with your throat chakra blocked...it was blocking the flow from your intellect (your head) to your heart and vice versa. I started to remember all of the throat infections that you had as a kid and wondered if there was a connection. Does any of that mean anything or stimulate anything in you?
I mention it because it was a clear image and it has persisted in my mind since.
So I have also felt compelled to pull out Anatomy of a Spirit by Caroline Myss, my initial introduction to chakras and see what is significant in the throat chakra.
Here are some excerpts that stood out:
"The fifth chakra embodies the challenges of surrendering our own willpower and spirits to the will of God."
"Symbolic/perceptual connection: The symbolic challenge of the Willpower chakra is to progress through the maturation of the will: from the tribal perception that everything and everyone around you has authority over you; through the perception that you alone have authority over you; to the final perception, that true authority comes from aligning yourself to God's will."
"We fear having no authority or power of choice in our own lives...we fear having no authority within with ourselves, being out of control when it comes to our responses to substances, to money, to power, and to another's emotional control over our well-being."
"The most costly energy consequences come from acting out of fear. Even when choices made from lead lead us to what we desire they generally produce unwanted side effects."
"faith is the essence of the fifth chakra....having faith in fear commits part of our energy to that fear. As a result of our energy commitments, we- our minds, our hearts, and lives- become woven into their consequences."
"Confession is the sacrament associated with the throat chakra...Confession is much more than the public acknowledgement of a wrongdoing. In energy terms it is the acknowledgement that we have become conscious of- and therefore empowered over- a fear that had previously commanded our spirits.,,,it liberates our spirits from past fears and negative thought patterns."
The chapter is fascinating and goes on to talk about imbalances between head and heart and how that leads to addictions.
Anyway...I am not sure of the significance of all of this to you...or us...
but I felt led to share it ...and so I did...
maybe you can shines some light on all of this.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Sorry, Mondays and Tuesdays are marathon days with work and class in the evening...
I will try to check in on those days...I will do my best.
I look forward to this contact immensely.
What is outside reflects what is inside...
I think that's true...but it has been inside all the time...just buried under the shame and garbage piled high early in life.
We were talking about resiliency in class tonight...what are the protective factors...
there was a trusted person and having a sense of hope for a better future.
and there was having a stable, supportive mate as an adult and doing work that gives your life purpose, helping others...
I have looked at resiliency as a trait you either had or didn't have...
but it seems as if it is something that you can acquire...
or perhaps uncover when you start to poke an prod and dig and stretch and break up the dam into pieces.
I was thinking about what you said the other day about living inside your head while I was doing yoga several days ago...and the instructor on the video does an exercise where you lay hands successively on your chakras and breath feeling the flow connecting the chakras. I had an image of you with your throat chakra blocked...it was blocking the flow from your intellect (your head) to your heart and vice versa. I started to remember all of the throat infections that you had as a kid and wondered if there was a connection. Does any of that mean anything or stimulate anything in you?
I mention it because it was a clear image and it has persisted in my mind since.
So I have also felt compelled to pull out Anatomy of a Spirit by Caroline Myss, my initial introduction to chakras and see what is significant in the throat chakra.
Here are some excerpts that stood out:
"The fifth chakra embodies the challenges of surrendering our own willpower and spirits to the will of God."
"Symbolic/perceptual connection: The symbolic challenge of the Willpower chakra is to progress through the maturation of the will: from the tribal perception that everything and everyone around you has authority over you; through the perception that you alone have authority over you; to the final perception, that true authority comes from aligning yourself to God's will."
"We fear having no authority or power of choice in our own lives...we fear having no authority within with ourselves, being out of control when it comes to our responses to substances, to money, to power, and to another's emotional control over our well-being."
"The most costly energy consequences come from acting out of fear. Even when choices made from lead lead us to what we desire they generally produce unwanted side effects."
"faith is the essence of the fifth chakra....having faith in fear commits part of our energy to that fear. As a result of our energy commitments, we- our minds, our hearts, and lives- become woven into their consequences."
"Confession is the sacrament associated with the throat chakra...Confession is much more than the public acknowledgement of a wrongdoing. In energy terms it is the acknowledgement that we have become conscious of- and therefore empowered over- a fear that had previously commanded our spirits.,,,it liberates our spirits from past fears and negative thought patterns."
The chapter is fascinating and goes on to talk about imbalances between head and heart and how that leads to addictions.
Anyway...I am not sure of the significance of all of this to you...or us...
but I felt led to share it ...and so I did...
maybe you can shines some light on all of this.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Inside is Outside - if we look
So I youtube-karaoked, for the cat and the dog last night. I could feel my chest open and become free. It was a good thing to do. And I tried to watch something funny. I got the humor, but I didn't laugh out loud. Either my humor is too cerebral or my laugh on/off button is out of order. Not sure which it is.
I worked in the garden, seeking my herbs among the weeds and freeing them. My gardening year started so well. Now I have an overgrown jungle. Last night, though, I made supper from the garden. It felt good - on many levels.
I hope all is well with you. I miss you. I choose to think you are just having a very busy day!
Without you, I will simply ramble.
While I was gone, my glass table I have in the yard, it has a nice big sun umbrella, blew over in a wind storm and the glass-top shattered into small pieces - like a windshield does. There are shards nestled in the overgrown grass. Because my lawn was not mowed for the month. So today I sat on the lawn and picked glass out of the grass, and thought about shame. I thought about people who won't look others in the eye, or be clear about their intentions. People are so afraid of NO! But seeing it in others makes me aware it is in me. I have gotten better about transparency, though. Transparency lets the Light shine in!!
Then I cut the tip of my middle finger and began to bleed profusely. So I came in the house. Next project, after getting the blood to stop flowing - figure out what is wrong with the vacuum.
I found a clog in the hose - a mouse nest - and poked and prodded and shook and stretched and twisted until it began to crumble and fall out. I think this is what I am doing to my psyche. I am trying to stretch and twist and poke and loosen the debris that has blocked my true self - all that garbage that's keeping the Light from shining on my soul. I put the machine back together and it still wasn't working...ah the belt is missing.
I don't know, but I thought about belting children, threatening to belt children. It hurt my soul.
So the inside, private life is reflected on the outside every day. I think the Universe is prodding us, inspiring us, every moment.
I worked in the garden, seeking my herbs among the weeds and freeing them. My gardening year started so well. Now I have an overgrown jungle. Last night, though, I made supper from the garden. It felt good - on many levels.
I hope all is well with you. I miss you. I choose to think you are just having a very busy day!
Without you, I will simply ramble.
While I was gone, my glass table I have in the yard, it has a nice big sun umbrella, blew over in a wind storm and the glass-top shattered into small pieces - like a windshield does. There are shards nestled in the overgrown grass. Because my lawn was not mowed for the month. So today I sat on the lawn and picked glass out of the grass, and thought about shame. I thought about people who won't look others in the eye, or be clear about their intentions. People are so afraid of NO! But seeing it in others makes me aware it is in me. I have gotten better about transparency, though. Transparency lets the Light shine in!!
Then I cut the tip of my middle finger and began to bleed profusely. So I came in the house. Next project, after getting the blood to stop flowing - figure out what is wrong with the vacuum.
I found a clog in the hose - a mouse nest - and poked and prodded and shook and stretched and twisted until it began to crumble and fall out. I think this is what I am doing to my psyche. I am trying to stretch and twist and poke and loosen the debris that has blocked my true self - all that garbage that's keeping the Light from shining on my soul. I put the machine back together and it still wasn't working...ah the belt is missing.
I don't know, but I thought about belting children, threatening to belt children. It hurt my soul.
So the inside, private life is reflected on the outside every day. I think the Universe is prodding us, inspiring us, every moment.
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