Not DQ!

Hi Maggie,


Honestly, I am not being a drama queen.  I am not looking for declarations of love...although love is always welcome.  I am quietly, thoughtfully poking at myself, noticing, trying to understand.

What do I want?

I want to be less prickly. I want to be softer, warmer.  I am kind and giving. I am an excellent listener. But I am not one of those people who is noticed for a long, long time.  I want to be loving and open and available.

I want to be less guarded.

I think this is the point I am poking.  I have been damaged by childhood crap, by criticism, by criticizing.  I have learned to hide because I was the new kid every year, except one, until 9th grade.  I have learned not to show emotion.  I have learned to watch people, to blend, to hide...

Hmmmm, maybe what I am getting at is that I am not authentic.

And because of life events, I don't even know where or what that is.  Or if it even exists anymore...

Maybe the love I want is where I find me, recognize me, value me...love myself.

Seems a bit far-fetched though. I have too many other things on the list...things to accomplish.

And when I am being self-centered, I hurt other people. I fail to be available...

Life is a paradox.

Love and hugs,

Clare