triggered

I'm so glad you are back…
I am in such a state of distress…
the young men (young man and youngest son) are pushing me past challenge into distress.
I am having trouble sleeping, eating, and maintaining calm.
I am shitting my brains out…
my GI tract is a great barometer for my internal environment.

My young man resists and refuses everything I suggest or direct him to do.
Outright refusal to work on homework…
or go to his room to read after we've had an outburst…
I found myself counting to 3 yesterday because he would not go to his room when directed…
he was causing conflict and I needed a break from him.
It occurred to me that I was reliving sending one of my young ones to time out and having them try a standoff…
the problem is that he is 17…
not 5…
and yet that is where he goes when he's angry.
I've reached out to the CYS worker and the director of his former group home to try to moderate this for us. I need help. He's triggering me like I haven't been triggered in a long time.
He tried to leave last evening.
I wanted to say, "go"…
but I told him that if he did I would have to call the police and have them pick him up…
which carry consequences.
Help me…
how do I do this?
I want to, but I don't know if I have the skills or patience.
Failure holds huge implications for his future.
Would he have been better off if I hadn't stepped forward and offered a home?
This process is exhausting…
and confusing…
and humbling…
and embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed how many times the words of Papa Delana come into my head during one of our conflicts. I do not say them out loud…
but I could;d so easily slip one of his barbs into a comeback and cut this kid to the quick. But, I am mature enough to hold it in. Maybe that's me trigger…
Maybe I'm fighting the fact that part of me could become like Papa D.
I've always decided against belittling and shaming children into submission. At this point there it is in my face…
more often than I care to admit.

I need a long distance perspective.

topic switch…
If you want to go to the coast of Maine I may be able to facilitate that for you. My elderly friend owns a cabin on Swan's Island, off the coast of Maine. She does not use it, sometimes it is rented, but I'm pretty sure she would allow you to use it. It is rustic- but you like remote and rustic. Here is a link to check it out...
http://www.swansisland.org
Opportunity is opening…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie