Teary still

I turned on Motherless Child to serenade me as I write.  I feel like a motherless child.  I feel alone.  I feel like everyone's best friend.  I am here to serve others, yet I am invisible.  I listen, I comfort...but...but...I don't let anyone touch me.

For Christmas my oldest son and his wife gave me a gift certificate for an alternative practitioner.  I have said, many times that I would love to go to her.  When I opened the gift card, I started to cry.  The gift was wonderful, but what it meant was that someone listened to me and heard what I said.  That was what made me cry.  My son said he wished it had been him, but that it was my daughter-in-law who noticed me, who listened to me.

(Not sure why I am complaining.  I don't always listen to those around me...)

Remembering is making me cry again.  But I walked in the woods today, and cried.  I listened to the trees.  The wind was blowing through them, portending change.  I listened and I cried a little more.  And I stood still in all of that movement for a few minutes.

I need to remember - always go outside.  That is where I will find myself.

I had grandchildren here this weekend, and we spontaneously built a blanket fort in my dining room.  I shoved the table over to the windows and we set up and extensive "house."  It was a delightful mess.  But then, a friend dropped by unannounced to visit.  He often does this when traveling.  We are his cup of tea and conversation break.  As he pulled in, I looked at the blanket fort mess (the kids had gone home about 30 minutes before his arrival) and started to laugh.  I guess I'm not as bad as I feared - I can still make blanket forts and laugh at the mess.

I taught my three-year old grandson a new word this weekend - negotiation.  We negotiated about the fort construction.  It was a precious moment.  I want to be one of those grammies that leaves nothing but golden memories for as long as they live.

What if I am never beautiful?  What if I never see my beauty?  What if I refuse to allow anyone else to see that I am beautiful?  Yeah, those are the questions that are making me cry...

So I need to turn in early...I am so tired...

I love you little sister!

Clare