There was a children's play at Meeting once, many years ago. Afterwards, someone came to find me - backstage. She said she knew she would find me there. Backstage, invisible, yet making sure everything worked.
That's me!
You describe the feelings of - "notice me, please notice me" followed by an immediate "Don't look at me" very well. I think we all need to be noticed. We need each other to be real. Or we define ourselves best in relationship with each other. I am not saying this correctly. My thoughts are not clear, but I know we are tribal and we need each other. I know the greatest gift we can offer each other is time, attention, listening and acknowledging.
But in our home of origin, being noticed was not a good thing. It was better to lay low, be silent, not be around when the proverbial crap hit the fan. Learning to hide has made us just a little schizo, I feel. One can't hide and be vulnerable, and be loved. Yet the hidden one needs to be loved so much.
You would not love to be normal. Besides we already agreed that there is no normal. I think you are close to a truth when you start seeing the blurred lines between healthy and diagnosable! I think a lot of what we see as problems are simply refusal to conform.
One of the flowers helped me understand imbalance, which is what I understand when you talk about the see-saw. We will never be perfectly still - that would be death. But we don't have to take our imbalances to such extremes. We can let the see-saw drop from a lower height...
There is a short video that has gone viral on the web. Several women were asked to describe themselves to a forensic artist, who drew them based only on their description. Then he redrew them based on someone else's description. In every case the woman's description of herself was less attractive than what another saw. It was, obviously, a comment on societal expectations of beauty.
Seems coincidental since I am struggling so much with the concept of beauty and feeling or not feeling it.
Someone wrote an insightful blog about the choice of thin, white women and other expectations of our society...I included a bit of what she said...
Did you hear that, ladies? How beautiful you are affects everything—from your personal relationships to your career. It could not be more critical to your happiness! And
while it could be argued that the woman was actually talking about how
you feel about yourself or something, it is clearly edited to suggest
that the “it” is beauty. I know we’ve been told it thousands upon
thousands of times before, but I hope you heard that, girls: your
physical, superficial beauty is the most significant part of who you
are, and the most important determining factor in your life. And now I
want you to hear this: that is a lie.
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me
The words hit me, but now that I have moved them here, sort of out of context, I am at a loss. I am not sure what I wanted to say. I know I have been thinking about beauty. I have been thinking about how beautiful some people become with familiarity. We forget to judge them by current standards. We see more. We see who they really are.
Maybe I don't think anyone sees who I really am...I am confusing myself. I think I will let this stand as a testament to today. I will think about this - today is a good day for planting peas. Sitting in the dirt always helps me think. I will try again tomorrow.
But the one thing that is clear, the writer's last line:
But please, please hear me: you are so, so much more than beautiful.
Thinking...ruminating...baaaaaa
Your loving Clare
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