Sugar is my addition. I guess I am looking for something sweet in my life. Busy-ness was my addiction until I stopped having a car. Before, the adage: If you want something done, ask a busy woman, meant me. Now I am in hermit mode, unless someone seeks me out. I am assuming I am learning a lesson - about slowing down. But I'm not learning a lesson about feeling...I am still numbing too often with sugar or crunchy stuff.
I have been having a strange train of thought developing. I know I quoted - We are not our bodies. We are spirits, we have bodies. I'm close in quoting that. But I have been trying to be my spiritual self and see my body as my vehicle. What is strange is that I feel like I have a beautiful spirit. This may be the first time I have ever thought, felt, said, recognized that I am beautiful. But I know that I am kind and patient and understanding. I know that I am loving and people feel that love. People seek me out when they need to be healed. Yet I judge myself by my imperfect thighs. I am not good enough. So I have been trying to feel my beautiful spirit and love my vehicle, to see it as a project that can be loved into beauty. It is making me very uncomfortable, so I think I am on the right track. I am becoming very aware of the way I store pain in my body, and it makes me lumpy and disfigured. I don't want to be controlling, nor do I want to be out of control. I want to love myself back to healthy and glowing.
Got a flash of The Velveteen Rabbit, there. In my version, I think I need to be my own lover, though.
You are healing. Look at the awareness you share in this blog. Could you have done that a year ago?
S#3 and her brood, all except the baby, came to the shower. I like that the cousins are spending some time together. I like that her oldest grandchild and my oldest grandchild are 4 days apart in age, and really like to play together. Our children knew each other when they were young. Being the two single moms meant we relieved each other, we turned to each other. I watched her kids for days at a time when she had business trips, she welcomed me to stay with her for a week while I typed the first draft of my still unpublished herbal.. Then as the kids aged, we sort of lost each other. But she has always been most likely to come visit. After she told me about her suicide attempt, I started calling her regularly. So now I know her better, again.
When S#3 was here, I started wondering how much make up she uses, and even how she uses it. I might be turning into a girly-girl. Heaven help me!
Went for a walk with my prego-daughter today, and took some photos of her near a pond, and in the woods. She looked very beautiful. Oldest son checked in and their little one took first steps this weekend. Life is moving forward...the web is shifting!
Slow down, feel my love...breathe it in...Clare
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