How do we bear...

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for the sympathy.  Things feel sort of quiet and empty today. I have looked for Em a few times.  But it is all feeling softer.

I was thinking about lessons.  I was thinking about my relationship with Emmy which was so different from my other dogs.  The others, the border, the husky, the spaniel, especially, they all came to us as puppies.  They were always part of the family. Their particular eccentricities were part of the normal weave of each day.  They loved us with big doggy emotion, wide open hearts, joy of connection.  The border knew she slept next to my stomach. Every night she would wait until I was settled, then she would jump up and stretch out along my stomach and relax.  She was confident that this was her place.  She knew she was welcome. She knew home.

Emmy never bonded like that. She would wait until things were quiet, then, maybe, jump up on the bed, and curl up in a polite little ball down in the corner. When she got sick, I saw her looking at the bed and I got up and lifted her onto the mattress.  After that, she asked.  And her last night, rather than curling up, she stretched out and slept with her nose under my neck. She had never done that before.

She never connected with full heart and confidence because...who knows completely why, but I know damned well three months on a 3 foot long leash taught her she was not worth noticing. I could see every bone in her body when she came to me. I think even dogs can illustrate what happens to heart, to trust and love, after abuse. It never glows as bright as possible...there is always question, fear, reticence.

My friend said I am a saint for taking the dog.  I didn't need to think about it. Here was a dog that needed me, and I had the emotional and physical resources to stop her pain.  This is not sainthood, this is common decency.

I am still feeling her loss...she was such a goofy little weirdo.

My neighbor was born with her gift. It simply bubbles out of her, as it does from many in her clan.  I think she keeps it strong both by giving reads, but by respecting it and passing messages even when people think she is crazy.





Who is the friend son wants to have move in? Is he trustworthy?  Is he a drug buddy?  Is he going to influence your son positively, or join in narcissistic shenanigans?

And - ask your healer.  Has she ever commented on your relationship with your foster son?  I don't think it is done. I don't think you have failed. I think it simply transitioned.  I think this is one more instance where we try to fulfill our soul contracts, and realize that the violence of our culture causes more pain than we imagined.  It is unbearable...

How do we learn to bear it, besides numbing??? Strength??  Submission??  Is that a message of the Christ story? They are teaching us this lesson out at Standing Rock. I have so much respect for everyone there. If I didn't have to work, I like to think I would be brave enough to go...

Oh, the safety of living paycheck-to-paycheck.

I have heard of Essiac.  I know a lot of imitations are marketed under the name. I have never used it, or really recommended it.  I will look for some info to share with them.  I think he should use medical marijuana, or the oil of...I like imagining it.

Love and hugs from Clare