This is a time of being out of our comfort zones. We have been knocked out...
forcefully...
repeatedly.
So it is a time for finding a new balance...
new comfort spaces...
forging new relationships.
FORGING...
1.
to form by heating and hammering; beat into shape.
2.
to form or make, especially by concentrated effort:
to forge a friendship through mutual trust.
3.
to imitate (handwriting, a signature, etc.) fraudulently; fabricate a forgery.That's interesting...
we have been heated up- emotionally...
we have been beaten into new form...emotionally
Are we imitating? Are we pretending to get along? Is this authentic change?
I am having a hard time this week. I am trying to work and act normally...
but I am standing at the edge of the veil...
death takes us there.
I am ready to cry...
and curse...
and fight...
and run away.
I got a text from S#3 today...
and didn't want to read it...
not because it was from her...
but I cannot take any more news...or requests...or anything.
A friend's sister committed suicide last week. She called to talk.
I listened and explained that I sit on the suicide prevention task force in the county...
she has become demanding...
wanting details and explanations...
and reasons...
every day she wants something else from me...
she wants answers and reassurances that I don't have.
I dread the messages now.
I want to be nasty and say "leave me alone"...
but I keep asking for her patience.
And hope that she won't hurt herself from the grief.
My youngest is making me crazy...
he doesn't want to come along to SIL's funeral. He cites many reasons...
the bottom line is that he wants a weekend of no parents. Daughter #2 will be at the house...
but he wants the freedom of no parents.
Frankly- I want to leave him home...
I need a break from him...
but the stress of wondering what he's up to is going to be on my mind.
Husband reminds me that we were going to leave him home with his sister this weekend to go to Quebec for the weekend...
but life is much different now than when we scheduled Quebec...
and I am exhausted...
on all levels.
My friend's burial was beautiful. Her family and friends were gathered around her grave. Her dog's ashes were buried with her. People spoke of her gifts and talents and memories her. I found myself envious of those who had known her for a long time. I wish I had grown up with her care. But I had her love and care at the end of her life. She was a peacemaker. She was an intellect. She cared for many children, pets, and people.
It is husband's birthday. He is the same age as SIL. I am giving him many supplements and teas to improve his health.
I am going to go try to breathe.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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