More vigilance

Thanks.
Thank you for your support.

The saga continues to develop.
Husband and I spent an hour or so talking with son#1 last evening…
our concerns, our rules, the legalities involved.
We tried to listen to him…but he was pretty shut down…he got angry and defensive.
The next time we talk he needs to talk and we need to listen.
But, husband likes to lecture…and last night turned into a lecture.

After we went to bed the youngest came in twice to say how much he loves us.
It was great…
but…
there's always a but…
about 1:30 I was awakened by dogs barking…
I found both boys in the kitchen, eating…
it was late but that wouldn't make the dogs bark.
I walked upstairs with my youngest and realized his windows had been open…
it was cold in his room and the air was crisp.
He explained he had to get rid of a stink bug…
but why would you leave them open long enough to chill the room?…
I like it cold, was his reply.

This morning I walked the dogs before anyone was awake…
and found matches, foil with pot residue and several other questionable items…
just below his bedroom window.
It had snowed the night before so finding these uncovered meant they went out within the past 24 hours. When confronted he decided to walk away. He left, not covertly like his brother…but he left.
An hour and a half later I called him…
he was up on the local mountain…
one of his favorite places…
he had run there before when he was upset…
and he asked me to meet him up there to talk.

He wants me to be OK with his recreational use of pot…
not blatantly in my face using…
but knowing he's doing it when I am not looking.
I explained how important it is to develop coping and life skills in an un-medicated way to be able to navigate life in a meaningful way. He just laughs and says life is better when you're high.

It's funny…
part of me wants to give in and just say go ahead…
but part of me knows that breaking the law is not right…
and that using isn't healthy.
We walked and talked for a while…
didn't really come to any real agreement on the basic issue…
only that he is grounded for 2 weeks…
I just want to run away.
It's my turn to run.
But I remain steadfast, committed to these kids.

Somehow, through this time Mom decided to call my cell phone.
There was a voice mail when I came off the mountain…the reception up there is not great.
My reaction was strong…
Why is she bothering me at this time?…
that's my first impression…
not, Wow isn't it great that she would reach our just when I really need her…
not, I can really benefit from her wisdom at this moment…
nope, it was just leave me alone!
If I tell her my troubles they will be broadcast on the Sunday email…
that is if there's room after the Barrow-report.
Sorry, my nasty side is coming out.
She doesn't get to mother me…
she lost that chance a long time ago…
and she lost it again when she refused to help me through my sexual abuse memories and my depression.

Sorry, I am really dumping negative garbage today. Please bear with me while I clear this away.
Perhaps the trauma centers that I reacted so negatively to last week are allowing this to flow right now.
Perhaps the boys are loosening up that concrete so that I can clear it away.

I will tell you a funny story from all of this…
I was driving up to the mountain to find my youngest, talking with my oldest because I needed to talk about it so that I wouldn't be ready to explode when I saw him. I was explaining the events of the day and realized that I had left pot and paraphernalia in my bedroom with my older son at home!
I just started to laugh…
saying it was like leaving candy for a kid…
daughter and I just howled…
she called her sister who is home for the long weekend…
woke her up from a nap and had her hide it.
It sounds dumb when I read it…but I needed to laugh about something…it saved me.

Thank you, once again.
I love you,
Maggie