Broken hearts?

I could related some of the totem message to you also.  I have found that reading these is always interesting - there's always some insight I would never find on my own.

So glad you are falling back into a normal schedule.  I know you'll miss your daughters, though.  Time to let the slowness of winter settle in...

I don't laugh enough either.  It's funny, though, I always associate you and S#3 with laughter.  You two always seem to be having fun, and getting people to lighten up!  Brene did say that pain and joy come from the same source.  You block one, you lose the other.


So, today I found an article that has made me stop and think:

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/february-13/why-love-literally-hurts.html

Basically, being ostracized causes physical pain.  Taking analgesics can relieve the pain.  So can having a romantic partner.  And when I think about my kids when they were young, so can a mother.

I have been thinking about having an overly busy, exhausted mother.  That causes exclusion, being left alone, feeling on the outside.  I have long thought that I have a broken heart - sort of figuratively, or almost poetically. . Maybe I really do, and maybe this is the source.  It was so easy to feel alone in our family - sort of invisible in that crowd of kids and chaos.  I wonder if people with broken hearts have more of a chance of having cardiovascular problems.  For some reason, Grammy is on my mind.

I am thinking about the ways we numb - our forms of self-medicating.  Maybe if  we stop isolating ourselves, we wouldn't need to numb.  But it is so painful to expose oneself, to be vulnerable.  And we've learned to be quieted, soothed in an alone place with lots of chocolate!

A sink of dirty dishes awaits me.  I'll have to think about my daily authenticity.  I've been eating fresh fruit...

Love and hugs and laughter,

Clare