Lots of reactions here tonight. First of all, my dearest, we are all assholes sometimes - even you. Admit to your son that you are an ass, ask for forgiveness and let it go. I have had my asshole moments and I treasure each one. I pull them out to poke myself with whenever I don't feel bad enough about myself!
I'll tell you a secret...my youngest has commented on the Sunday news emails as being the news of S#5 and her family. I hear a bit of resentment in her comment. I know my kids are sorry they don't have a stronger connection with our parents, but I could never just leave them there. Dad was too unreliable. I could never predict when he would have enough and become a grumpy-mean-name caller. I had to be there to get them out. I feel guilty, I feel strong. Nothing is ever easy..
I have mentioned doing some work with Reevaluation Counseling. It is a process of being present with someone, no matter how emotional they get. Peers create a safe place for each person to release stored pain. One night I was at a women's group and we were talking about sexuality. I talked about being raped. I was very logical, calm, in control. But I was shaking. A peer smiled and told me it was okay, keep talking. I shook harder and asked, "What is this?" She smiled and told me I was releasing terror.
I think that today, on a safe table, in the hands of a trusted healer, you release terror that has been stored in your body for decades! Congratulations.
The other thing that really hit me is that your male is concrete.. And you are struggling so hard with keeping your balance while guiding two adolescent males into young manhood. I think this struggle is going to loosen your impenetrable male. I think they are helping you - more soul contract. So maybe, spiritually, you should thank them for sneaking out, for rushing into and avoiding and hiding from adulthood. You should be grateful for their anger and fear and defiance, for they are leading you out of your concrete. But don't thank them out loud!
I have been thinking about S#5 and her planning more and more events. I am trapped here at home, and I glory in it. I can't go anywhere. Sometimes it is great - I have an excuse to avoid anything, but sometimes it sucks because I miss events I wish I could attend. Basically this is not authentic way to live. I started thinking today - we can never get the family we wanted, but maybe by superficially hanging out we can create the beginning of a healing space. And maybe by healing some of the rift with our family of origin, and by healing some of the damage with the 'rents, we open way to create better relationships with our families - with our children and grandchildren. I think we are connected, and we do affect each other.
But when it's time to go, I drag my feet. Honestly, though, although we are not close and connected, it's never as bad as I had imagined...
I was talking to my oldest about this today, and I said something I didn't know I would say...I dread/love moments like this. I said I think I am in hermit mode now because there is something I need to write. Once I have done my duty, life will open and opportunities will occur, and life will change. Not sure how to make time right now, though.
Excuses, excuses, cowardly excuses...
Sweet dreams...Love from Clare
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