My life is a roller coaster this week.
I can't remember where I left off on my holiday saga…
but to catch you up…
son#1 disappeared on New Years Eve during a 15 minute period when we were all out…
he would respond that he was OK but not coming home to text messages…
but refused to answer our calls.
I spoke with his closest friend's and their parents and no one knew where he was…
this went on until 10 pm New Years day/night…
then I got angry enough to go look for him….
luckily someone gave me a location and husband and I went to retrieve him…
he was so angry…
wouldn't speak…
which is good because I didn't want to their his rationalizing…
he took a shower and went to bed.
He was quiet before school…
more talkative after school…
and now is playing on the four-wheeler in the snow…
this volatility is making me so unsure of myself.
He still hasn't said that he is sorry…just that he doesn't understand what the big deal is about smoking pot…he forgets the lying, stealing, littering, etc…
I called to make him an appointment with a psychiatrist today…I don't want to medicate him…but am not sure what other options we have.
He admits that he's medicating himself.
So I slept on the couch for the send time in a week…because he was a flight risk…and feel like I am 90 years old today…This is going to sound really selfish but he's screwing up my weekend plans! I am willing to change plans…his safety is worth that…but- I don't think we can meet friends for dinner on Friday evening because he can't be left alone…and there's no way that we can both attend that workshop because he needs to be watched…the girls suggest getting a babysitter…I told them that in this instance it would have to be a probation officer…imagine explaining to someone why a 17 year old needs a babysitter.
There is a silver lining in all of this…my 'authentic' moment…During the tension I was able to stay with the uncomfortable feelings…not escape into my head with my computer or distract myself with something mindless…I made myself hold him in the Light…thought about channeling goodness and positive energy to him…it was a difficult experience…but it was better than worry…and better than distraction…
I am worried about him…and how all of us are being affected but his behavior and volatility. But, if I can maintain a sense of balance and resolve…maybe we can all learn and grow from this.
By the way…daughter#1 caught me stress eating gummy snacks and called me out on it…so much for authentic eating…but it made me more aware.
Sorry to keep dumping my garbage at your door.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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