Swamps and Sugar

Thank you for permission to not love Christmas.  I remember when I read, once, I think it was Miss Manners, that I didn't have to answer the phone just because it was ringing.  It was such a relief!  The other part of the rule, though, is that I can love or hate or have any emotions I want about Christmas, as long as I don't interfere with anyone else's love of the holiday.

I will think about what goes on my list.  And I will think about favorite Christmas carols.

Today, though, I had some thoughts I wanted to share.  I am becoming more aware of myself, mostly because of the work we are doing here.  It's almost like I am outside myself, observing myself, correcting myself, while being myself.  I have had to face the fact that I am a sugar addict.  I have really been trying to pay attention, to feel it.  I notice anxiety.  It is followed by the need to eat sugar.  I feel the cold, the numbness that sugar brings. I definitely don't taste it.  I don't especially like it.  But I NEED it...

I know it is causing problems with my health.  Yet, I eat just a bit more.  It's like the small child inside of me wants the treat.  The adult me just doesn't want to feel.

This has been on my mind.  I know that if I try to stop and to punish myself, it is almost like setting up an internal competition, an internal war.  I am beginning to believe more and more that competition is the root of all problems.  Therefore, cooperation is the root of all loving solutions.

Coincidentally, I got my first seed catalog.  They are my favorite reading/dreaming material.  And somehow, the thought came...my New Years Resolution - become a "foodie".  I am going to focus on learning more cooking techniques and using more foods - especially fruits and vegetables.  Maybe if I bring a lot of joy and creativity and happiness to food - I won't need sugar.  It won't feed me anymore.

Maybe...

Another strange chain of thought.  I was wondering what it would look like if I decorated a swamp for Christmas.  I was looking at photos of swamps.  They all had muted, shadowy lights, and were surrounded by trees.  They looked like they had a solid floor, but it was really the covered surface of the water.  One had a lump - turned out to be an alligator...the alligator is supposed to be a symbol of motherhood.  Is that the kind of mother swamp kids get??  No wonder we're afraid to get out of bed at night.  So what if I strung lights over the swamp.  They wouldn't reflect on anything.  They would just shine...Not sure where I am going with this.  I think this is like the I hate Christmas experiment...does it mean anything???

I'm glad you had some sister time last night.  I wish I could have been there.  I also respect her strength and her strong sense of responsibility.  And that, no matter what, she still finds something to laugh about.

I love you,  I'll think about Christmas tonight.

Clare