I did youth work for years - with Quaker kids. I had one who sat on top of the refrigerator, or in some other place where he was present, but still had his space. It reminds me of your son, a little. He needs to find his distance, yet still be there. He felt like part of the group, just as your son does.
The other thing I remember thinking at his age, at that age when we are pulling away from the family and discovering who we are, was, "I didn't ask to be born! I didn't ask for this!" I had a great sense of outrage and of the unfairness of life in general. I think your older son is sensitive to all this, and the safest place to fight back is with parents who won't reject him. Of course, that's too simplistic, and there's always a deeper layer.
When you described your husband's behavior, I was somewhat reminded of me. If you love me, you will know what I want. It's not authentic. I think he wanted you all to consider what would be easiest for him, then choose that. When that wasn't the thought process that started, he may have felt put upon. Learning this language, and lack of, and avoiding it will be part of the work of being authentic.
First we have to decide what we want, what will work best for us. Then we have to communicate it reasonably and gently. And we have to know if it's negotiable or not.
The holidays brings up emotion in all of us. The child is still waiting for a perfect Christmas. The young parent is still struggling to get it right. I think your husband has this going on, but he's too busy to sit down and see who is clamoring for attention, or peace. Instead he just pushes forward and has no idea who is knocking to get out.
I agree that Facebook is not an appropriate place for much of what goes on there. I think sometimes it is the only place where people feel heard.
I woke up this morning and thought it was Friday. I was very disappointed to find I have one more work day. I was awake from about 3:00 am on, making and revising Christmas lists. The tension has begun!
I had a vivid dream, that I need to share with a participant. I was in the front seat of a large car with a friend, a man who is my age and who I really enjoy talking to. We have similar backgrounds. I was in the middle seat, my oldest son was in the passenger seat, and I think my youngest granddaughter was in the back in her carseat. We were coming downhill, on snow, approaching the lake and a good speed. All of a sudden we saw that the road curved at almost 90 degrees. If we missed the curve, we would end up crashing into a very large rock. The driver grasped the wheel and steered. I laid back and consciously relaxed my body, knowing it would be best whether we crashed or not. We careened around the curve and made it - somewhat out of control - but safely. I just laid there with my eyes closed, waiting to see what would happen...
All day I planned to pop an email to my friend and tell him, but I forgot until now.
Hope you are warm and cozy and serene!
Love you,
Clare
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