No strings attached. That is the secret. We give because we are part of the flow. If others do not receive, or do their part, so what. I am glad to hear that you offer your music. It makes it even more important. I have sung at a few weddings, and I have never been paid...it's a gift...I hope.
I am sorry for your daughter. It is so disappointing to feel invisible. Most likely her colleagues in community theater meant no disrespect, they just got caught up in their own lives. Which we all do, and which we all use as an excuse. We need to remember how to put ourselves in other's shoes.
I'm glad my mini-Quakerism 101 helped! I remember doing a series of evening discussion with Friends, discussing SPICE - the virtues. (simplicity, peace, integrity, community, equality) There was so much overlap. We tried to choose and define our favorite virtue (Mine has always been simplicity) and it was both easy and very difficult.
I have been having some very intense, open-hearted discussions - with two people in particular. There has been a lot of exploration of childhood violations and the ways they affect adult behaviors especially in regards to romantic relationships or life partners.
It has been interesting to think about how we repeat patterns and carry the pain with us, and how we are afraid to step forward into love. It almost strikes me as stepping into fire.
So, with all this on my mind, last night I had an episode. For just a few moments, I became one with my oldest son, and through his eyes I saw me - angry - when he was small. And I saw his wife - angry. And I was overcome with a sense of despair, of never, ever being loved. And then I was lost in thought. I know we have been through this before, but feeling it made it different. We are born to damaged people, who try as they may, can not make us feel securely loved. And so we are ripped into two - the part that feels unworthy of love and the other part desperately seeking love, begging for love. We want someone to love us. But all we find are people who want us to love them - to heal them with our love. We are like a bunch of psychic vacuum cleaners, and all we have around us is vacuum.
I wondered if we could love someone enough to heal them, then have them love us. Which I realized is the ultimate codependent wish. But what if we did it intentionally? What if we made a deal to love each other back to health? Can two - or more - damaged individuals have enough awareness to do that for each other?
So, I'm twisting in my emotional wind, wondering which way I'll be pointed in the end.
And I had a memory-moment which opened my eyes. I always think about/talk about being worthless. As I was talking to a close friend about all this, I suddenly remembered Pop telling someone that I was worthless - I was never any help to Mom. He said it when I was standing nearby...I think he was talking to an aunt or uncle or some such- who did not stand up for me.
One last point...I have been wallowing in, or experiencing fear of being loved, the feelings I "shared" with my son. And I realized that late at night there is a still, small voice reminding me of who loved me, and of who wanted to love me. This gentleness is breaking through, at least a little.
I love you. I hope you sleep well and dream something profound!
Clare
No comments:
Post a Comment