And another Thanksgiving is just a memory, joining with the others through my life. We had a nice day. In the morning, before the day really started, I read a post by a Quaker healer I have met - maybe, twice. He presented that this should be the best time of our lives...today. Then he sort of analyzed his life using this thought as his lens.
I thought about my life a lot last night, after the house was finally quiet and dark, and all the dogs were settled. I thought about our childhood - moving every year. Going to a new school every year. Almost always being the new kid. That was such instability. I remember envying a friend who always lived in the same house, with her grandmother and parents and siblings. Our only stability was each other - our family. And we know how unstable and unsafe that was.
I remember my teens as one long depression. I was so unhappy. I didn't belong anywhere. I always felt isolated. Then I went to college. I wasn't living with Dad. For the first time in my life, I felt - happy. I was fairly consistently happy. I mean, nothing's ever perfect, but in general I was okay. I dated my college sweetheart during this time, and still felt like myself, and like I was -- happy.
My twenties were about family - having my own. It wasn't too long after I married, that I had a bout with depression. I think that somewhere inside I knew I married Dad - someone like him, except young and polite. And less critical. But this was the decade when I really leapt into gardening, herbalism, activism. So they were good years. I was establishing who I am.
My thirties were a deepening...so deep I came out the other side. I walked into an Al-Anon meeting. The changes led to the end of my marriage. The choices were change or end...
My forties were back to instability. It is part of the rape culture that after a marriage ends in the US, a man's standard of living improves while the women and children struggle more. Sometimes I wonder if there is an intentional war on families in this country. But in my forties I found home. I know I belong in this region. I feel rooted for the first time in my life. I feel connected to the land here, like nowhere else ever before.
My fifties. I am working a lot. Involved with grandchildren - not as much as I had hoped. Still struggling. Not as happy as I was while at the university. I feel like life still has a lot of potential. I feel like I can still make a difference...
Why was I happy then? How do I find those insights or attitudes or activities now?
After all this thought, I had a dream. I took off all of my clothes and stood in front of a mirror. The parts of myself that I could see with my eyes were to be criticized. But when I stepped out of myself, and walked around myself, the parts I could not see were fine. I remember thinking that - I look fine.
That doesn't need a lot of analysis, does it?
Hope you had a deep and meaningful and joyful Thanksgiving.
Love from Clare
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