stories

Hi Maggie,

Meet Anna! I found more information.  But first I studied her face.  She has the same lack of bilateral symmetry that I have.  One of my eyebrows has always been higher then the other.  I remember the comment when I first got glasses. I remember Mom doing a lousy job of cutting my bangs because of it.

A macrobiotic friend explained that in that modality, it shows a disconnect between my male and female selves.  I am out of balance, and relating more to Dad, or perhaps fearing to be like Mom.  I've thought about that a lot, and have not come to peace with that yet.

So Anna was born of English colonists, in 1798, near Lake George, New York.  At age 14 she was traveling with her family, and they met another group of travelers, our great-great-great-grandfather and his two brothers were going to Ohio to homestead.  Our g-g-g-grandpa was 21.  After three days they got married and moved into northwestern Pennsylvania, bought land with some coal on it.  They had lots of kids, I think there were 13 bio-kids and one adopted. 

Anna was noted to be a talented singer..

I noticed that Anna's birthday is the same as Mom's, and her husband's birthday is two days before Dad's.

Apparently, they set out to homestead in Nebraska after their kids were grown, and g-g-g-grandpa was 78 years old.  Strange decision.  I wonder why...but he contracted a lung infection while traveling and died there and so Anna, who must have been about 70 came back east and lived with her children.

They had two sons who served in the Civil War.  One was killed in Gettysburg.

So who is Anna and why was she in my dream?

As far as the lack of facial symmetry - I attended a class on facial diagnosis once, and the teacher speculated that it could have happened at birth.  She recommended I go to a cranial-sacral practitioner to see if my face can be brought back to balance.

A former friend died today. We were very close for years, but as often happens in divorce, when a couple separates, they sort of divide up the friends. I went with the former wife.  I saw the former husband occasionally, and we became friendly again, but we never hung out as we had in the past. But for those years when we were close, he was marvelous with my kids.  My ex did not spend much time with the kids, and so this man really took over - almost like a beloved uncle.

He is another of those who I wonder - what would his life have been like if he had been raised by healthy parents.  His dad was harsh and violent and controlling. And so of course my friend had problems with addiction and with maintaining a marriage. 

But, man, he was a star.  He shown so bright.  When he was on, he was loving and generous and wise and funny and absolutely intelligent.  We adored this man.  Then there was the dark side that suffered in constant pain of the crap laid on him by his dad.

I think I mentioned in the past few weeks that I just found out a friend from high school died.  He didn't just die, but I just found out and so it feels that way.  I was Facebook stalking his family - a huge, Catholic family - lots of siblings. I saw early deaths and fundamentalist religions...signs of a violent upbringing to me --- signs of addictions.

My heart breaks for all of us who are raised in violence. My heart breaks for the ones who did it to us, knowing they are endlessly replaying the violence inflicted on them. My heart bleeds for our children whom we helplessly abuse - never meaning to hurt them.

My thoughts go to the movie Groundhog Day, a story about a day that repeats itself over and over and over. We are trapped in a timewarp of violence.

The way out is always love...

And...the superstitious side of me wonders - who is next.  So often, deaths come in threes. I am nervous...

I don't work tomorrow. I think I am going to spend a little time digging around in the family history.

Last thought - my friend who just died was a first-rate storyteller. Someone videotaped him telling as tory and posted.  His ex-wife sent it to me. I watched him twice tonight, so I could cry.  The gift oof tears, one last gift...

Love and hugs from Clare