I'm cracked

How did your interview go?  Was it fun?

My dog is still holding onto each breath.  I am exhausted.  I was up almost every hour, checking her.  She can't do anything except breathe, and so she continues to breathe.  She is refusing water and can't eat...and so we stay close, and we wait...my poor old baby.

I wonder what Mom is repressing.  And I wonder how much Dad remembers.  He has such a violent reaction to sex and especially to homosexuality, I think he must remember at least some of what happened to him.  I don't know for sure, but I feel so sure that he was sexually abused by his brothers, and possibly his father.  I just feel it deep inside.  But maybe he has the same memory lapses you and S#3 have.  Do you have reactions like he does?  Have you ever recognized this pattern - reacting strongly, but not knowing why?

And I had forgotten about the closeness between B#1 and S#5 in F-burg until yesterday when I was sharing the dream.  She had to be 2 years old through 4 years old.  He used to carry her around and she would tell everyone she was _____'s Baby!  Now I'm feeling a bit creepy...I think you were 3 or 4 when it started for you.  I wonder if they went for S#3 at the same time..........

I found an odd source for a pertinent article.  I have never seen this info laid out so clearly.  I see myself in the magic mirror!

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/


I see my pattern of not following through, or not pushing hard enough.  I can't figure out ways to make things happen, so I change my ideas, my plans.  I talked about grad school, but the loans stopped me, and I felt like it will never work for me.  So I did what I always do - I'll wait until conditions are better.  I am waiting for Mommy to take care of me.  I am waiting for the universe to prove that it loves me.

And I laughed at myself about responsibility - I am both ultraresponsible and catastrophically irresponsible in one almost crazy package.  As the oldest, I learned that everything was my fault.  That translated to my parenting and my participation in volunteer activities.  I am responsible, I don't share responsibility.  It's partly because I am such a good girl, and partly because I am afraid to relinquish control.  I was a tad overprotective of my kids, which didn't work.  Everyone got hurt sometimes anyway...Then I am irresponsible about supporting myself.  I don't spend money unwisely, I just make sure I don't have much to spend.  I have almost enough to make it.  Again, waiting for the universe to prove it loves me, I suspect!

I do judge myself without mercy.  I am wicked in the things I say to myself.  I would never talk to another person the way I talk to myself.  I would never allow someone to say the things I think about myself to anyone else.  But I am worth less than everyone else.  And so I berate myself to keep myself in check, to keep me in my place!

And I see hypersensitive - that's the chameleon in us.  But sometimes it almost seems like the seed of passive-aggressive behavior.  Trying to control other's moods.

Not sure why this seemed like "fun", but I see me!!

Let me know how today went, please.

Love you,

Clare