surrender

Maybe the universe is opening way for the book.  And the Me, Too foundation.  Maybe you need to work with someone else who is not normal, and has no expectations of normal.  Maybe you don't need to be accepted by the powers-that-be, because being swallowed by the whale may digest you, making you just like them.  You have a marvelous background for seeing more than they do.  Maybe you are supposed to work from outside the system...

My dog is still breathing.  She is teaching me about surrender, and maybe, because we communicate so much, she is also teaching you.  This process feels a lot like birthing.  My first labor was very, very long.  I started out strong and smart and sassy, I knew what happened in birth - I took the classes, and I'm tough.  I can do anything.  Contractions started and continued, and continued - way past that 15 hour mark typical of a first labor...and it continued and I was inside it, fighting to get out.  I had to surrender.  I had to surrender to my body, to my daughter, to time, to nature.  I had to be part, but I was not the part of prime importance.  I was simply part of the channel, part of the play - the flow of life.  Once I surrendered, it flowed, and there was a baby and I knew my power.

I have been revisiting these feelings as I wait for my dog to die.  She is unconscious.  When I pet her, her neck is cool.  I have no idea how she keeps breathing.  I was so tense, waiting, yesterday.  Today I am more relaxed.  The sadness is a more general emotional state.  I am still aware of the closeness of life and death.  I am aware that the door is open here.  But she can go when she needs to go.  No more judgement from me.  She is not in pain, and so she may breathe until she has finished what she is doing...I don't know what it is, but I trust her, I trust the process.

So, now, maybe, you have to surrender.  You have to see which part flows through you - knowing you can't manifest it, knowing you can't be like the rest of the kids, you wait and trust the flow.  The universe knows you are here, and the universe knows you have gifts!

I was always afraid to lie.  I can't keep a straight face.  But I do rewrite events to make sense - which is a sort of lying, I think.  I did that when I was younger.  Now I lie by omission.  I just don't ask, don't tell!!

Meltdown - nice.  When you are all melted down into one gooey mess, you can resculpt yourself into something a little different...maybe!

I recognized me in your description of what happened in your interview.  I have a tendency to out-think the leaders, and overdo.  It is usually not as impressive as I imagined it might be.

Making chokecherry fruit leather and companioning my dog...that is my afternoon.

And sending love to you...keep melting!!

Love from Clare