I think you may be traveling to the ocean-side. I hope you have time to check in here while you're vacationing! Less selfishly - I hope you have fun and create some treasured family memories.
I woke up relatively late for me. That's because I am tired. I am working every day, then watching the baby on weekends, so my daughter can work. I don't really mind, and I know - from lots of experience - this will get easier, and the baby is so pleasant and sweet and truly good-natured and I want to be important to her and to all of my grandchildren...but I am tired!
I woke up thinking about what needs to get done today, then realistically considering what will get done. Then my mind wandered...I started to think about our potential - yours, mine, our siblings - and the work we are each doing during this lifetime. I suddenly thought that even though I love teaching and herbalism, and especially teaching herbalism, and learning too, the most important work of my life might be right here. Here I face the fact that I am not doing a very good job of taking care of myself. I was thinking about my struggles this morning, and that there is a part of me that still wants to be taken care of. Because that is not happening, and because of my world view - out, rather than in - I suddenly had the impression that I will be one of those people who silently disappears, who just fades into a slow death, not trying to stop it, because - why?
Facing these thoughts about my self, allowing myself to entertain these impressions and observations, combined with the work we have been doing of understanding childhood violence is the root - that's powerful. Again, it may be the most important work of my life.
I am rereading Alice Miller's For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence. I read it once before, probably in the late 1980's, when my kids were young. And the message has stayed with me all these years. I just decided to reread it, and it is hitting me again. There are descriptions and explanations of our cultural parenting techniques. The point is to break a child's will, replacing it with blind obedience, before they even know they have a will.
This inherent violence, which we can't even see is horrifying. Add the level of violence in our home - and the result is destruction of the psyche. Part of me is sitting aside with the assuring message - It's okay. we survived. But the part that realized I won't have enough time today is very aware of the fact that I don't/can't take care of myself. My capacity, my ability for self-love, for valuing self, for breaking past the spiritual lethargy for myself -it's broken. I don't know if it is repairable - which is why I fear I will fade to nothing.
There is something hurt and angry inside today. This Earth is so lively and loving, it is such an exciting place to be. But the broken part keeps me from having a happy experience here. Instead I am relieved to simply survive. It's not fair...
So many times I have had the feeling that this burden we accepted, this burden to be born into violence, it's just so much harder than we expected. I guess I am having a "It's too hard" day.
But I will keep going, because tomorrow will come and maybe it will be better.
I hope you are some place beautiful have a happy experience!!!
I love you, Clare
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