leap of faith, well maybe a dip-a-toe-in of faith

I used to do what you do.  I used to volunteer for everything - keeping myself so incredibly busy and exhausted, I never had to think about myself.  I think part of not having a car right now is enforced hermitting.  I have to stay home, I have limited contact with the world.  I have to face me.

Not fun, but perhaps necessary.

I don't think you can will yourself to lose control.  Will implies force, and that leads me to think of a lack of faith.  You are trapped in your yellow chakra again.  You have to get into the green and LOVE!!!  You have to love you and love your husband - no holds barred, or - fewer holds barred!!  You have to have faith and jump into the flow.  See where it leads you.  Of course, like all the important things in life - It's easier said than done.

I sure as hell don't do it.  I'm the little fraidy cat, sitting in the reeds watching the bold be swept by, wishing I was alive, too.  Wishing I was going somewhere too.  But I have a lot of excuses for not going...Actually I'm going to go, I'm going to do it - when things are better, when I am better.

But maybe we have to leap to heal.  Never thought of that before.  And it makes me really uncomfortable.

Why can't this be easy???

It probably is!!!  I simply don't get it...

Maybe our parents are teachers.  We learn from their mistakes.  I will admit that one of my most powerful parenting techniques was to consider what Dad would have done - and do something completely different.  (Not kidding...)  But our parents were also destroyers.  My psyche is so shredded.  And then I stepped into the role and hurt mine.  I need to find a way to step out of that shame.  Hmmm, instead of What Would Daddy Do?  maybe I should wonder What Would Brene Do?

Don't forget that you have created something for yourself.  You have created family.  You have created a home.  Maybe things aren't perfect right now, but that's just part of the flow.  Maybe you're white water rafting for a few months until your son gets his bearings.  Then there will be something else.  That's life, the cycle through okay and not so okay.

My quote of the day, something that I've been rolling around in my brain:

When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.
                                                                          -Thich Nhat Hanh

Sleep well, dream sweet dreams, love you...

Clare