dancing?

I just wanted to point out that it's not only family culture that has shredded our psyches.  Our national violent culture as well as our religious culture all work together and destroy our humanity.

I did something extremely vulnerable.  I was talking to my daughter-in-law yesterday when she opened up and started talking about some of the patterns in their family.  I spoke openly about my problems and understandings.  But we ran out of time.  So, I decided to email her and tell her about this blog.  I gave her the link and asked her not to out us.

For the first time I have someone I know and love reading this.  I hope it doesn't change my honestly, I hope I don't start to protect myself.

But she sent a quick thanks, and a little insight.  It was absolute Me, too time.  Her patterns are our patterns.  Maybe now we will start to have a direct effect on those we love the best, those nearest and dearest to us.

I'm still thinking about suffering.  I am thinking about bearing sorrow and sadness and loneliness.  It is like a pressure weighing us down.  But we are supposed to feel.  I was so sad when Grammy died.  But she was worth the tears.  Her absence in my life was painful, because I loved her.  It is appropriate and almost beautiful to feel this sorrow.  And once I got used to the weight, it lifted and joyful memories raced into their place.

But death of a grandparent is natural.  The pain of being abused is not.  Maybe we hold onto the bad feelings, because we are hiding from them, or hiding from more being dumped on us.  Or maybe it's simply that part of our spirit has died. Is that possible?  Did Dad's hate-filled words kill part of me?  Is that the tar-girl?

Have you ever seen this quote?

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions:
When did you stop Dancing?
When did you stop Singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by Stories?
When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of Silence?
Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves and where we have stopped them is where we have experienced the loss of soul.”  

                                                                                        -Gabriel Roth

I was walking the baby and singing while her mama attended a work meeting last evening.  She actually likes Patsy Cline - Walking After Midnight!  And I thought of this quote.  I never stopped singing, but I don't think I ever started dancing.  I think I was violated out of my body at an early age.  I had the strong sensation that this is true again last night.  So later, when I was ready for sleep, I thought of the tar-girl who has been dancing all summer, and I invited her back.  She rejoined me, she seems to be part of me again.

I hope so.

I love you,  Hope all is well with your brood.

Clare




 Gabrielle Roth