"Old tapes"

The hole in us makes us less humane, somehow, more judgmental.

But to whom are we judgmental? 
To ourselves...most definitely.
To our children...I don't think so.
To our siblings and parents...it depends upon their relationship to us...and even that is dynamic.

We are our own worst enemy...we pick at every nuance of our internal and external life...without mercy.
And yet I try very hard to not judge others...at least I try.
I am ready to believe the worst about myself...but give others the benefit of the doubt.

I have read...
Living in the past causes depression.
Living in the future causes anxiety.
Live in the present.

Obviously that is too simplistic, but there is some truth in the saying. 

When we continually replay the "old tapes" in our head we actually solidify those neurologic pathways that cause the reactions that we have...
I'm so stupid...dumb...fat...etc.
It is a survival technique meant to teach us to avoid dangerous, threatening situations. If we come face to face with a tiger and survive we replay that scenario over and over to teach us how to survive future encounters. Well that same neurophysiologic reaction happens whenever we feel threatened...even if its psychological. So when we are shamed, mortified, embarrassed we replay the scenario over and over to help us survive something similar in the future. I think the key to this is to stop the "tape"...become aware of it...and give it a new outcome or solution...standing up for ourselves...not freezing...and envision a positive outcome. 

Anyway, being trapped in our old patterns does make us more prone to depression. 

A few suggestions...
Have you tried vitamin B6 supplement? It is a precursor of seratonin and can be helpful for depression.
Also try to get regular aerobic exercise, like walking.

I don't want to get stuck on this theme, but I am thinking about how Grandma and Pop tagged things in their attic to be given to family members...and Dad's sisters went and took what they wanted without regard for their parents' wishes...I guess it goes both ways...equal opportunity broken promises and disrespect.

I hope that S#3 and S#4 can get over their disappointment and hurt. I am sure that they are taking this all personally, but the reality is that there is no personal...
the parents cared more about their move and making it easy than they did about anyone else's needs/feelings. 
I remember a time when I thought they really cared about my wellbeing...
and then I realized that I was ignorable, disposable, not always convenient.
I often wonder how our youngest siblings were able to have such different childhood memories...
or do they also rewrite the memories to make them more acceptable?
I am not sure which is true.

I have been reading a Barbara Kingsolver novel and have not taken time to listen...
Thanks for the reminder.
Tonight is a meteor shower...I am going to sit out on the deck with a glass of wine and enjoy the show.

Blessing,
Maggie