still whining, a bit

Yes, we should thrive.  I absolutely agree.  But I am not thriving, and neither are my children.  

But they are doing a bit better than I am.  We all struggle with the depression thing, which I know comes from abuse.  I know it changes our brain biochemistry.

I am struggling with a depression this week.  I am crying easily, about everything.  I know tears are good and cleansing.  But I am getting tired of myself.

Bottom line is that I am so tired.  I am so very tired and there is no end in sight.  I feel trapped.  

Sorry, I'm done complaining...

Because S#3 was in the cast for her hips, she may have been molested before you.  You might want to work that possibility into your considerations.  That might help you step out of the guilt you assumed.  I would also ask you to consider - what kind of power did you have over a group of older boys.  You could not fight them physically.  And who could you have told.  There were no safe adults in our neighborhood.

I talked to S#3.  She told me that S#4 did not get the things she wanted, either.  Her husband was frantically trying to make arrangements and negotiating with Dad when Dad announced - it was all gone.  He gave it all away.  So she is hurt.  And angry.  As S#3 says, it's only stuff, but the meanness makes everything so typical of our parent.

So Dad had untrustworthy parents, dishonest parents who stole from their children.  I had never heard that story.  Why, when we choose to have children, we accept the responsibility for them, why do we think they owe us?  That is so twisted.  At least Dad just told us to get out.  He didn't expect repayment for allowing us to live!  I guess he was a healthier parent!

I honor you for standing up for your daughter and making sure she could nurse.  I remember you calling me, back then, and wishing I lived close enough to be her wet-nurse.  I would have done that if we hadn't have moved so far away.  She would have been a breast-twin with my youngest!!  I took a lot of flak also, for extended nursing, cosleeping, not letting them cry.  I think that attachment parenting hits deep in our soul, to that wounded place where we needed to be held, to be listened to, to be mothered as if we were important.  The hole in us makes us less humane, somehow, more judgmental.

I'll be thinking about this.  I'm tired, and I have a few things to do before bed...

Have fun with the ocean.  Listen for the message!!

Love you,  Clarre