roiling thoughts

There is another aspect that preys on my mind.  I can't tell if I remember Dad beating the boys, but I think I remember.  I think I was nauseated and frightened and paralyzed.  But there are two parts, two overwhelming emotions when I go back to that time.  One was that it is just wrong and bad and I am powerless to stop it (thought came to mind - unless I have an asthma attack and almost die...then it has to stop...does that help explain B#2 sickness?) the other is relief that it was not me.  I hate that thought.  I hate it.  That powerlessness has dogged me for most of my life.

Maybe that is why I have been involved with environmental and military awareness activism.  I can stand up to the bully and try to stop the destruction and violence.

There is something vivid in my mind about out little brother being knocked across the room.  I don't know if it is memory or if it is imagination.  In my mind, he is so little and so defenseless.  I am so emotional and frightened.  I remember wondering what would happen if Dad killed one of us - but especially B#3.

I wonder if I lie by omission because at least it's not me being totally abandoned.  Am I still so desperate, that child inside of me, that the crumbs still matter?  But I also do want to protect others...

The effect on me is that I feel like I don't belong anywhere, that I am not good enough for anyone.  If I am with people and there is the slightest hint that I am not welcome, I am out of there.  I would rather be alone than rejected.  Not very flexible and resilient of me, is it?

I think I have broken promises.  Not because of whimsy or change of heart, but because I could not figure out how to afford it...another way I let money and my issues maintain the horrible family patterns.  But did Dad get it from the generation before him?  We never lived near our grandparents when I was young.  You knew them better - what did you see?

I believe I am a safe place and my kids can come to me.  But I know that I have been unsupportive - usually financially, but also I follow the family pattern of - no news is good news.  If they seem even, I don't look too close.

But I have been looking a little more lately.  And I have found my concern is appreciated.  I didn't know that was true.  Had to learn that outside of our family!  I think we are a better family lately.  Part of it is the new baby, and my son's conviction that cousins should be close.  There is almost a sibling dynamic.  My grandson is going through some of the - displaced by a baby pattern.  It's so cool that they're so close!

Family lesson - I'm not doing anything I don't have to!  "You're 18.  You're an adult.  Get out of my house. And don't you think your mother and I are going to watch your children.  We are not your babysitters."

Roiling thoughts...But with love!!

Clare