Life's lessons don't lessen us

Clare,

Let's remain positive…
I have breast cancer…
I have an incredible opportunity to learn that "no (wo)man is an island"…
something I have avoided all of my life.
I once wrote, Life's lessons don't lessen us…
this is true.

You speak of hermitage…
my true self has been a hermit for many years.
I have hidden myself from others…
not let anyone close enough to know me…
to understand me…
to see me truly…
or to ever hurt me again.

And this cancer is the manifestation of that.
It is my right breast…
the area believed to carry trauma from males.
My reiki friend has never been able to open that area…
I have held onto that energy for 50 years…
and it has changed me at the molecular level.
I believe that this tumor will help me to finally break it all open and release that toxic memory.
If I lose a part of my body in the process, it will be worth it.

I am distracting myself…
but at times find myself thinking about what it would be like to not have breasts.
I am not sickened by the thought…
but it makes me wonder how I will react if/when it happens.
I think about losing my hair…
vanity makes me wonder if I have a pretty enough face to pull off the bald/ball cap look.
My mind plays with all of this.

My kids are handling the news pretty well.
Daughter #1 will be home Tuesday…
her boyfriend graduated with his bachelors and masters yesterday…
ironically his mother is getting Chemo right now for breast CA.
Daughter #2 has been with me most of the weekend…
she is an extra for the pilot and has been my assistant wardrobe person.
She has made friends with many of the actors and is thrilled to be working with professionals.
Son#1 I have not seen because of conflicting schedules…
he went to an after prom party and was not home when I left yesterday morning.
I saw him this morning and he seemed tired and angry…
he is usually pleasant in the morning.
Son#2 is convinced that this is something that they just rip out and everything is OK…
Right?
Husband is hovering, but doing well.
The hardest part right now is that I am so tied up with this pilot that we speak after midnight when I drag myself home. He is scared and I am not here to help him.

2 more days of filming. We are finished with 3 of the actors- 2 women who I enjoyed working with so very much. One, in particular was such a gentle, warm soul. I left the set last night about 11:30…
in a semi-anxious state…
exhausted and on the verge of tears…
I didn't say goodbye.
When I got home there was a text from this woman who wrote, "Maggie, you didn't say good bye." 
I felt like shit…but I couldn't explain my actions.
I have only shared the news with the assistant director, and one actor who overheard our conversation.
I asked them to wait to share this with the others.
I will tell my friends when they are finished filming…
I don't want to distract them from the work they are doing.
The news isn't going to change…

Enough for today,
Love and Light,
Maggie