If circumcision is removing the insensitive part, then we need a new word for what we do to our sons. I prefer to think my heart is thawing. I have been so frozen for so long.
I forced myself to stay in bed and finish my book this morning. What a leisurely way to start a day! I looked out the window and watched the snow. I made a breakfast that tasted pretty good. I am waking up. I just need to be vigilant, to not trip into addictive behaviors. It is weird to be able to feel. I feel a sense of anticipation...
I opened the straws and lifted them out. You know how taking a drink of water can feel when you are really thirsty? You can feel the water trickling, then flowing down, rehydrating, soothing, cooling? That is what it felt like. This morning I meditated on being a conduit of joy. I don't want the opened channel to scar shut. I want to remain open and feeling - even though this feels scary. I feel like I am in the open. Like people can see me...
I looked up floors as a dream image, and one suggestion was that a floor indicates the divide between conscious and subconscious. The basement would definitely seem to be subconscious. There was also an interpretation that our floor is our foundation, our security. I would not be surprised to understand that I am finally learning that the foundation of our family stories, our family behaviors is not secure, not even true. We make it true by our belief and cooperation.
Never considered looking up the meaning of the straws!
The last two nights have been confused blasts of images. I have been dancing or working in the haunted part of my house - which is a carpeted floor. I am afraid, I feel the panic, but I remain aware and keep dancing, and talking to whoever is with me. But it's all fragmented and I only have glimpses when I awake. I don't know exactly what I'm doing.
I cave for apples and carrots, too. They are two of my favorite foods! Give Tinya a hug from the other human from the past.
Love from Clare
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