I was talking with my wise friend who told me that the bicycle in my dream was about finding or returning to the child inside of me. She told me that I never let myself be that innocent, vulnerable child and that I need to do that to become whole again.
I started to cry when she told me that I was the one who judged her as being bad...locking her away...keeping that part of myself imprisoned...because deep down I still think that somehow I was responsible for the abuse...that I deserved to be abused...because I allowed myself to trust and be innocent.
She hit a nerve...a raw enough nerve that I welled up with tears and felt in my core that she was dead on...
While she was telling me this I was paralleling what she was saying with the dynamics of abuse.
Isolate...control...hurt...I looked at her and said, "I am my own worst abuser. I have controlled that part of myself, imprisoned my heart for over 40 years. No one else is holding me hostage. I am abusing myself."
So your shamanic poem/quote is extremely timely. I need to sing, dance, trust, be intuitive and let myself play and see the world as a child.
I have tried to open myself up emotionally...and it terrifies me.
I feel like the line from Brene Brown's video about research...and pledging her life to control and predict all phenomenon...and I, too have found my way to vulnerability as the key to my wholeness. I am successful as a control agent...being flexible makes me uncomfortable...being courageous makes me panic...some courage...but at least I am on the edge of that cliff, looking to the next step...it will have to be a surrender... and I will have to trust that I won't perish.
I need time to allow all of this to happen...unstructured time....which isn't going to happen until May, at least...but I am aware of this and will remain aware that I need to carve out time for me...to sing, dance, walk, meditate and love.
On a different note...my oldest experienced deep disappointment last night...she called in tears when something she has worked months on did not come to fruition. Part of me wants to fix it....make phone calls...set it "right". But deep down I know that the lesson that she is learning through this disappointment will serve her far better in her life. She will to persevere and to try again despite not succeeding the first time. She will know how sweet achievement is because she has experienced this. She will come to know that kindness...for the sake of kindness....not for a reward...is a worthy endeavor. She is amazing...what a great role model for me.
love and blessings,
Maggie
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