Drama

I had the upset stomach/headache thing yesterday.  I couldn't figure out why I just didn't have energy.  Still feeling a little punk.

I can go for very long periods of time with a sort of serenity about the family.  We are who we are.  It is so hard to change.  Then suddenly I am enraged by our lack of ability to take responsibility for what we have done.  I know we did harmful, damaging things in response to the things that were done to us. But we still did them.  And we still need to take responsibility and apologize.

Maybe I was reacting because I got an email from the father of my youngest's imminent child.  She won't talk to him - mostly because she does not know what to say or to do.  I told her that I received the email, and she asked to read it.  Now she is upset and didn't want dinner.  Both of these "children" are heavily engaged in drama.  She needs to accept her fears and feelings, and go forward anyway.  Of course, neither her father nor I set a good example of that.  But she is going to be a mother, so she has to face the consequences of her decisions and grow up.

In compassion, I decided to answer him.  He is concerned because his daughter from a previous relationship is upset because my daughter is no longer in their lives.  I suggested that she is picking up cues from him.  Although I didn't mention it, he lets his seven-year-old stay up until midnight, because she is his little buddy and he doesn't like being alone.  Emotional incest.  And I said that my daughter should not have been identifying herself as the child's stepmother after such a short time.  He said my daughter's behavior now is not the girl he knew.  I suggested that they did not have time to really know each other and that their behavior has now hurt two children.

Basically his response is that his daughter misses mine and that he doesn't do anything to remind her or trigger that.  And he wasn't the first to use the word step-mom.  So he is fine, everything he does is wise, it's everyone else's problem, he just wants someone to argue with.

I am so angry with both of them.  Here is one more precious child being born into drama, conflict, violence.  One more child who will not have a home because the courts will divide her like a possession.  It breaks my heart that we consider the parents' wants and not the child's needs. 

And I am frightened.  The video we watched by Leslie Morgan Steiner showed the patterns.  And this man is stalking my daughter.  The fact that she is avoiding him and won't talk to him is adding fuel to the fire.

One more generation...one more generation of this crap.  I hate this diminishment of community.  It's an absolute loss of nuclear family and we have already lost extended family and neighborhood.  The baby is on her own from infancy.  What is wrong with us????  The part of the video that screamed at me was when Leslie said that the courts order children to go stay with the man that abused their mother.  What is wrong with us??????  It all relates to male dominance, ownership of their wife and children.  With the advent of women's lib, it has become increasingly difficult to force women to behave as chattel.  But the kids still have no power, no say in their fate.  They are simply possessions.

While I was writing, my daughter called and said she made a decision.  She would like to be left alone - no more trying to contact her, no more driving past the house, no more checking - until after the birth.  Then she will go to a mediator with him and try to work things out.  I was the first to make this suggestion, because I know everything is more peaceful when courts are kept out.

Sorry.  I know I am venting.  But this is such a hard situation, and as the grandmother - I am powerless.

Exhaustedly,

Clare