Balance

Health is a delicate balance...
And a balance that I don't fully comprehend.
I think that health lies somewhere between tightly controlling and being tossed around...
there has to be some flexibility within the control...
if that makes any sense.

I remember Grandma always being worried and looking worn out...
I think they used the term 'care-worn' in the Wizard of Oz to describe it.
I have read about abuse survivors 'catastrophizing' each issue of their life...
for example, your child is late to come home and hasn't called and you imagine their being hurt in an accident and how it will effect them and you for the rest of your lives...
I know because I do this kind of thing too frequently)...
I used to imagine the absolute worse case scenario and believe that by imagining it I could protect myself from that reality...it was my own superstitious practice...I believed that I could control bad events by imagining them first...nothing happened that ever matched my imagined outcomes.
I wonder if Grandma ever did that?
I wonder if she had any fantasy that she could protect us by worrying...
maybe she really was trying to protect us...
maybe it was her way of 'holding us in the Light'...
I am not sure if she ever wanted specific outcomes for us...
or if she just wanted us to be happy...
from your comment about our lack of religion she may have had specific outcomes in mind...
We will never be sure.

So I am another year older...
50 was quite eventful...
I grew more last year than I can remember ever growing in the past.
I feel as if I have built momentum and that it is carrying me...
supplying the energy I need to move forward...to grow...to break down the wall...and truly feel life.
I saw Les Mis twice in 2 weeks...
I love that story and the show...
one of the final lines is, "to love another person is to see the face of God"...
this morning I was contemplating that line...
it is an invitation for me to open my heart and love and trust and be fully human...
it is a path to the divine...
it scares the hell out of me.
It needs to be the next step along this path.
I have to open myself to the opportunity to truly love...
the thing that scares me most of all...
because if I open those tender places I am going to hurt...and hurt like hell.
It's so much easier, although energy consuming, to stay busy...maintain tight control...and numb everything.
No one ever said this was supposed to be easy.
No one ever promised that it would be painless.
They have told me that the journey is worth the effort...
I do believe that is truth.

I love you,
Maggie