prayer

Hi Magie,

I just went for a 2 mile walk, a faster walk than I do with the stroller. A "prayer" came, unbidden.  I thought I would share it here.  Partially because I will own it, partially because I will remember.

As I walked, something inside of me rose and became words:

I am ready to face the pain.
I thank you for insulating me, 
protecting me, 
keeping me strong inside here.

But I am ready to release the quilts I am hiding in.

I thank this body for the experiences
for bearing five healthy children...
what power.

And I apologize for all the times I said I hate you
especially my thighs
even when I was young and slender and healthy, 
I hated you

And I don't know why

But you are strong
You are beautiful...

You are beautiful changed to I am beautiful, in time with my walking. Part of me was very upset. But a mama-self said it was okay to be uncomfortable.  Just stay with it.

In the past I would have told myself to shut the hell up.

I am being more accepting of myself, it seems.

I couldn't move the full length mirror, because my screw gun is not here.   Hmmmm... But I moved a big oval mirror, placing it oddly at shoulder level in my bedroom, where I can see my body but not my face.

My oldest was so sad, so overwhelmed. She now knows that she may not find a man she wants to marry, but she does want to be a mother. She has changed. She is more spiritual.

My youngest is frightened, but holding together.  Her boyfriend's mother is an ER nurse and called with advice. Her first statement to her son was,  "I know her well enough to know she is searching the internet for information and scaring herself.  Tell her to get off now!"  She's gonna have a good mother-in-law.


Love you,

Clare