It is interesting…
before the weekend retreat we were back at the surface…
things were calm, with a few minor waves from our children…
but we submerged the the family of origin stuff back into the swamp…
there, but not accessible…
or readily accessible.
Perhaps we needed a break…
or a period of calm…
because it feels as if the storm is back upon us.
But it feels different.
It's more like choosing to swan dive back into the swamp...
Interestingly enough it's being fanned by our own sons.
One of the most impressive things that has happened to me, following the weekend away is that I am more open and trusting. I feel it in my bones. I feel as if I really have at least the two of you at my back. That is something that I don't think I appreciated before we laughed, sang and cried together.
The Reiki healer was surprised and said that she picked up minimal distrust- that is a first!
I feel as if the pain and cruelty that has been the family legacy is shifting. Even our being more conscious of pain and compassionate towards others testifies to that. Your late night, or any time of the day, discussions with your son (or any one of your children) attests to that. You are willing to let yourself be seen, maybe not fully naked, but little by little, you are showing yourself.
I often wonder what people hear when I tell them my story…
revealing truths that haunt and, at times, paralyze me.
I wonder if I am giving them bits and pieces, the most salient parts, in my mind, but leaving them wondering what the gaps are. Does that make sense?
For example, over the holidays my youngest and I were discussing my parenting, his disapproval of my "psychotic control", and it escalated into a loud discussion. I blurted out that at least he is part of a family that loves and respects him enough to not hurt him when things get tough, and a family that cares what happens to him. I told him that I had been treated like garbage by my family and that no one cared to see my struggles, or ask me why I was unhappy. He walked away.
I know that he cannot have full comprehension, it's not his story to own…but does he understand?
Probably not, because last night he was once again making demands to be able to go out with anyone he chooses.
All I ask is that we meet them, get to know them a little…
he told me that everyone thinks I am psycho and no one wants to hang out here. Luckily my sense of self is strong enough to handle the assault, but it does hurt.
I am being bombarded with anger and male energy…
it is definitely my time to learn to stand up to it…
not shrink away and pretend I am invisible. As much as I hate the day to day struggles with my sons I am being offered a remarkable opportunity to heal something deep. They are pulling me back into the swamp to do some more work.
The young men in my practice are offering a similar opportunity…
but from a different perspective…
I can be emotionally removed from them…
their outcomes are important to me, but won't make or break my life…
at least I don't think so.
The family history of violence has set the stage for this journey…
forgiveness is the goal.
I can hear it calling to me.
I am desperately trying to ignore this, but I am being led to meet with Dad…
to tell him my story and to hear his…
and to see where that leads me.
I am hit with this every morning since we returned from NC…
since the Reiki healer said the word 'forgiveness'.
I am tentatively planning on early summer…
when I can come and go with more freedom…
that's as much as I have planned…
and believe me, I am looking for excuses to get out of this assignment.
It's interesting, I am still thinking about the mixture of genealogy, genetics, environment, past lives, Karma, astrology…it is amazing that we are such complex beings…I've been thinking how incredible it is that we have European ancestors, but then back to the tribes of Israel…and yet we had an early Roman past life…even that offers a more expansive view of humans and the world.
We have been placed in a remarkable situation…
to have this life (lives) at this time with all of that supporting and molding us…
and our mission is simple - forgiveness.
How powerful forgiveness must truly be.
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
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