Stepford wife

Clare,
We are supposed to get snow tomorrow too. Is this the 'onion snow'? Hopefully the storm takes a more easterly track and we get nothing. I still have a bank of snow on the northern side of my house.

It's funny, when you talk about mom's and your M-I-L's criticisms of your 'look'. In my life it was different. My M-I-L disliked that her daughter was not well dressed, she just didn't care to be up to date, as long as she was clean and comfortable it was good. One of the things that I (and my other S-I-L) had going for me was that I liked to buy clothes. My M-I-L always commented on my weight though. She would ask if I'd lost or gained at almost every gathering. The last time I spoke to her, in the ICU, she woke from a nap and I was there, she looked at me and said, "Hi Maggie, Have you lost weight?".

I laughed, and still laugh, because she couldn't see any deeper than my weight and clothes. She was a very shallow, cold person. I don't think she ever explored the depths of herself, so why would she even know to do that with another? A friend told me that husband was attracted to me because I had depth, he didn't care why, he just needed to have that depth in his life. They had a 'Stepford' experience, all perfection to outward appearances, but hollow inside.
That's what the first 20 years of our marriage was too…
I was trying to be the perfect wife and mother…
all the while my trauma infused system was playing hide and seek inside my brain.
One of the things that we've worked on since reuniting is trying to find out what we're truly feeling inside…instead of stuffing emotions into the dark corners of our brain.

Self-esteem is a very interesting topic. I am working on that with an intern right now…
looking at the neurophysiology and development of self-esteem and how it plays out in our life choices. None of us has a healthy self-esteem…
we are all fakers, plastic masks doing and saying all of the politically and social correct things to survive in this world…
that's the Delana way.
I, temporarily, feel embarrassed when I post a comment or link on social media and one of my friends criticizes it…
it is as if their opinion supersedes my own knowledge and beliefs.
This is temporary and I quickly rationalize the reaction, but my first reaction is that I screwed up…
then I realize that there are many differing opinions, and everyone wants to express their own…
that's what social media is about.

I have to write an article today. It was going to be on the topic of gender violence, but I keep thinking it's not gender violence, it's us versus them violence…
and that will take more thought…
more time to grow and develop. I think I will write about the childhood adversity and it's outcomes…
Maybe I'll call it 50 ways to screw up your child's life….
something interesting will come from it.

I love you, stay warm…Spring is almost here.
Love and Light,
Maggie