Passive?

I worked with a then-friend years ago who was completing her hypnosis certification. I was "under" and she was taking me back through our family, and we got slime, too.  I had the impression that the slime edged it's way in a long, long time ago.  But I feel relieved when someone else gets the same impression.  It validates my weird.

The information about Dad's family feels right.  The oldest brother always frightened me.  I was blowing up a balloon once and he pushed his cigarette into it to pop it in my face.  I was shocked, because I didn't expect it. When I looked at him, he was laughing, and his eyes were evil.  He looked downright mean.  I remember Grandma talking about how mean he was once.  During the depression, unemployed men helped build new roads.  While they were working nearby, our uncle used to throw apples and stones at them.  "Just mean."  I remember her saying that, and shaking her head.

But we know mean is created by mean.  He was abused by someone who was abused.  It had to have happened to him.

Even though they are dead, I am sorry that Grandma was abused.  I am haunted by a photo of her and her family.  She was about 13 years old. She is looking at the camera, but it's like she's not there.  Like she is hiding. It seemed like that for most of her life. She was kind and loved to help, but she stood aside, and hid.  I see me in her, or I see her in me. I don't want that...Physically present, yet removed.

I hope you two can sort through Mom's family soon.  All of that trauma is hidden under layers of nicer and more educated.  It intrigues me...(hint, hint...)


I was up in the middle of the night again last night, with thoughts racing.  I keep coming back to the way we learn we are unloveable when we are very, very young.  Then we spend the rest of our lives proving our parents were right.  I thought about couples hurting each other, trying to find the limit - that point where someone gives up on you, proving, once again - you're not loveable.

I had that going on in my marriage.  But it was easy for me.  When push came to shove and I delivered the ultimatum, - family or alcohol, he left.  It was so easy to see that I was not worthy of love. Logically, I know, I know...but emotionally, psychologically - I'm not loveable.  I wonder if I will ever have a grand romance in this life.  Will anyone ever be passionate about me. Or will they just stick around as long as it is easy and I don't interfere with their numbing process.

Not trying to be pathetic, just trying to analyze what is happening in the middle of the night.  Once it is on paper, and public - it loses some power.  It loses the skewed vision necessary to maintain the pretense!!

And let's see what tonight brings...

Love to you and yours,