Divinely

I feel the difference too.  I am really working on the idea of forgiveness, the concept of forgiveness, and how to apply it to myself, I am still wicked to myself.  But somehow I sense it is gentling.  I hope it does.  I am so tired of carrying this self-loathing.

Not to be mean, but I am so glad you got the leading to go to Dad.  I feel like I escaped that bullet!  Of course, that does not mean I am off the hook.  It could happen to me, also!  But so far, I'm good.

You said we are doing a swan dive into the swamp.  It is much more graceful than what I got.  I had a sensation that we are surrendering to the swamp.  It is there, we can't avoid it. It affects us.  It's effects are stronger when we pretend it is not there.  So we surrender...yep, we have a swamp all around us, and sometimes it doesn't smell very nice. But it's our swamp, and we're cleaning it as fast as is healthy!  Maybe we'll never get it perfectly cleaned and manicured, but that's okay. It's  better every day.

When I talked to my son in the middle of the night, he was soft. He was ready to surrender.  The timing was right and I thank the Divine that I was able to touch his Spirit at that moment.  I was allowed to be part of the miracle of healing. But it's just the start for them.  I hope they find courage. They are taking steps into the Light and finding it is okay.  They are loved, flaws and all.

There's something to the softness. I have talked to others, and when they reached that point of vulnerability, they became hard.  They deflected, blamed others, hid, pushed me away. They were still afraid.  But we can feel softness, vulnerability, a readiness to trust, to be loved, to be seen.

I talked to S#3 last night.  She seems softer too, more present. I am happy.  It relieves my fear that we could lose her - either to her own hand or to succumbing to asthma - just giving up.


My copy of our Yearly Meeting monthly newspaper, and a well-known Friend, Nadine Hoover, wrote something very powerful I wanted to share with you.

This the second of three steps to healing as being practiced in her work in Indonesia...

We need to face directly, release, and heal from human pain and injustice. We practice facing the truths together, even though they are not packaged to our size, seemingly small and petty or large and overwhelming. We practice releasing emotions physically, sharing our stories, comprehending our feelings and needs, reprocessing human experience, and finding ways to speak out about human tragedy and injustice. We also practice being good listeners and companions for others as they do this work themselves.

Trauma sets in and persists when we are left alone in our pain and injustice; good attention by others is essential for health and health is essential for a centered life.  Without public responsibility for and diligence in this, human stress and distress dominate and order our lives and obstruct our individual and collective sense of the divine.


I think perhaps we were learning to be companions during that time we spent on the beach.  I think I need to learn to stop and listen just a little bit more, but I think we were there for each other.  I think we did create a safe healing space.

Oh, and thanks to you, I have an earworm!  That "It's quarter after one and I'm all alone and I need you now..." song is STILL stuck in my brain, going round and round and round.  And I don't know the words, so it's just the chorus!!

Divinely,

Clare (who loves you)



PS -I think when people hear your story, they hear what applies to them. They hear what makes sense. They take as much as they can handle.  Later, there will be more.

And your sons have years to go before the onset of adult thinking.  Until then, you get to hold on to two young men who are certain they are immortal and nothing bad could ever happen to them.  But they hear you, listen to you more than they would like to admit...just noticing from the outside...